The Harland Highway - PODCAST 238

Episode Date: March 4, 2011

Stupid phone greetings, British humor, need more information please, exciting celebrity sightings, check out lines at the grocery store. Sizzling stink wax!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hello, my baby. Hello, my darling. Hello, my podcast doll. Yeah, you are my podcast doll. My podcast blowup doll, because you're about to get... Helloed. Welcome to the Harland Highway, everybody. Great to have you here. Once again, it's me, Harlan Williams, your host, and a great show today. They're always great, aren't they? Okay, no answer. Interesting. Okay, well, we're going to be talking about phone greetings today. Aren't they just a little too annoying, the little greetings, the little message, leave me a message things, people leave on their phones? I've got some incredible celebrity sightings that happened to me here in Holly Weird that I'm excited to tell you about. We're going to talk about information, people not communicating well, not giving up another. information to relay a message.

We're going to be getting into some more hilarious word definitions from a British humor magazine called Viz. Very edgy, very off color, very blue, but somehow hilarious. And we're going to get into something that really annoys the ass out of me at grocery stores. Let's see if it annoys you too. But this isn't going to annoy you because guess what? It's the Harland Highway! Welcome to the Harland Highway. Hi, I'm Chuckie, want to play?

Please go away and leave me alone. You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. Man, keep it going. Love the show. You're hilarious. My black can. My blue blanket. Give me my blue blanket. Passing your seat, though. You're riding down the Harlan Highway.

It's the Harland Highway Have you checked the children? Hey, it's Harlan Williams on the Harland Highway And I met a guy the other day Who, um, I asked him what he did. You know, we were just chewing the fat. I go, what do you do, dude? And he's like, I'm in IT.

And I'm like, what? What's IT? What's that? You know, infotech. And I'm like, okay, what's that? Info technology, he says. And I'm like, okay, so you're in the information industry. It's in the name.

It's one of the words in your job description. And you couldn't give me the information to tell me what your job is. Could you be, like, give me less information? I'm an IT. Okay, I need a little more info here, pal. Okay, I'm an infotech. Uh, hello. Oh, information technology, man.

What do you want from me? How about some information, dumbass? That's your industry. What if I worked at KFC and you walked in and said, What do you guys sell? Uh, we sell meat. Yeah, but what kind of meat? We fry it.

But what is it? It's a bird. What kind of bird? It has feathers. man okay but what it clocks okay it goes okay okay is it chicken yeah chicken we sell chicken oh yeah kfcc the c at the end means chicken oh well what's the k f mean well you fill it in okay you fill in between the k and the f next time give me some information and we won't have to go through this little dance here on the Harland Highway.

Okay, so I had a weird week of celebrity sightings. I guess I should share them a little, because I actually got kind of excited about them in a way. One was kind of a surprise to me, and the other one was just kind of cool. I met kind of a legendary, I didn't meet. I saw a legendary celebrity. And then I met a big celebrity. The legendary celebrity, I was like, oh, man, that guy's just cool. Like, that guy rocks.

And then the guy I met, I thought, was like kind of a doofus and a nerd. But then when I met him, he was a really cool guy. And now I really liked the kid. So I met an older, I saw an old, see, I'm all fired up. I get all fired up when I start talking about. Deliberate. All right, enough. I'm going to have to get the heart paddles out here.

So here's what I was doing. I was driving along a road in Los Angeles here, and Holly Weird. And I came to this light, and I'm sitting at the light, and it's one of these really long lights. In Los Angeles, they got these really long. lights. And I'm not kidding. This light is about three minutes because I was coming off a side street going, trying to turn onto a main artery. So, you know, they always favor the main artery with the light

timing. And they give the little side street like three seconds to drive through. It's like, oh, my God, it's green. Oh, my God. It's yellow. Oh, my God. It's red. You know? Meanwhile, you sit there and watch the other cars on the main artery go by you. for half an hour. You're like, gha. So anyways, I was sitting at this little side street at this long light, and across the road was a parking lot to, like, a little store. Like, you know, a little convenience store type of thing.

And there was a restaurant. You know, it was like one of those little strip mall things. And I was looking over, and I see, like, a convertible pull in. And I look over, and I just kind of, I was like, oh, there's some people. And they were kind of far away. but then I kind of looked again. I was like, who's that guy with the long hair? That guy?

No, that's not him. What, no. Why would Stephen Tyler from Aerosmith be pulling in into a parking with a convertible? And then they got out, and I kind of blew it off. I was like, no, idiot. And I was just looking around, you know, waiting for this nine-hour light. And then they got out of the convertible, and they started walking towards the store in the parking lot and suddenly they're closer and I was like wait a minute I looked again and I was

like I'll be damned that is Stephen Tyler from Arrow Smith and I was like how cool is that and of course he was with some blonde chick and they did a big hug and it looked like they were more friendly than anything else and my guess is they were going down into the restaurant but I had kind of one of those little moments like wow man like that's a guy that's a guy that's been in the peripheral of my whole life. Okay, he's older than me. I grew up hearing him as a little boy, okay? And then all through my life, I would hear him,

and he's one of these guys, he's like the Rolling Stones. He's survived. His popularity and his music and his career has thrived and survived through the decades. So what it narrows down to is he's been on my life journey with me in a way, you know? and like all big bands, there's probably sooner or later going to be one song in their repertoire that somehow is a symbolic or represents a moment in your life, and you relate that song to a moment in your life. And he's got this one song that always touched me.

It's kind of a more obscure one. It was a hit for a moment. It wasn't a big hit, but it was a little hit. It's called, I think it was called Walking in the Sand. Doom, do, do, do whatever happened to, that girl that I once knew. You know, one of those things. And it's a neat little song because it kind of tells a story of, like, you know, young, angst-filled youth. And kind of a moment in time, a little slice in time with these young man and this young woman.

or walking hand in hand on a beach and I guess they shared a moment they looked in each other's eyes and they kissed and it tells a little story and I like rock little pop rock songs that do that and I guess you know I associated that song with moments in my life where I had a romantic moment with a little lady

walking in the sand hand in hand looking in her eyes and stealing a kiss if you will stop it um so anyways not to drag this out too long but here's here's a person that uh you know was was part of my upbringing and there he was and it was cool i drove by and i took my corner and it brought me even closer to him and i started driving away and as i passed him i was able to see some of the lines on his face and those big lips and he has kind of those skinny legs and kind of walks funny. He looks like he might have

bad knees or bad hip or something. And at his age, that's probably true. But he's kind of got a bit of a weird walk. And so I knew it was him. And that was exciting. Okay? And here's a little piece of that song, just

so you know. Here, listen to this. Walking hand in the man The night was soaked Steak Clean The smile was soaking back to Then she touched the chick With her cheeks Softly

We're made with a kid Why am I'm going to That girl that came up to you That girl said To my shoe Okay, now that you've been through that That man that came up to you What could you do

Oh, I'm going to? Okay, now that you've been through that, Not a cool song It's kind of got a story. It creates a vibe. But now to my next sighting, okay, this season I wrote on a show on Cartoon Network. A really wacky show. It's called Robot Chicken.

And it's with Seth Green. He produces it. And he called me up one day and said, hey, man, I think you're funny. I want you to come and write on Robot Chicken. So I was jazzed up. I went in and I wrote for the last season on Robot Chicken. Robot chicken and had a blast. And so Seth called me in and he goes, hey man, come on down to the studio.

I want you to do like DVD commentary for when kids buy the DVD, they can listen to the commentary and hear you and the writers. And, you know, I did some voice work on there too. And I guess one of the other sketches in one of the shows I did was Elijah Wood. You know the little knobbit or whatever he is? Little nublin from the Lord of the Rings things. Yeah, I always kind of, I don't want to sound mean, but that kid always kind of looked creepy to me.

He was, like, kind of short, and he had kind of buggy eyes and a little, like, peckery mouth, like a little wood sparrow or something. And I just always found him a little off-putting, a little creepy, and I don't know that I really liked him. I didn't hate him, but I didn't like him. I was never like, oh, Elijah Wood. Hey, all right.

And so here I was in a little sound booth. You know, this is how we record the DVD thing. They stuck me and Seth and Elijah Wood into a little soundproof booth about, you know, about the size of your closet, to be quite honest. This thing was about 12 feet by, you know, six feet. And we're pretty much sitting shoulder to shoulder commenting on the robot chicken show as we're watching it. And I got to tell you, I like the kid. He was very gentle and nice and courteous.

So, you know what? I'm a fan now. I'm a fan of Elijah Wood. You know, one of my favorite movies he did is one called The Ice Storm. I don't know if you've ever seen it. It's not a comedy. It's kind of a slice of life. It's with Sigourney Weaver.

And it's kind of a heavy movie. It's a good slice of life movie. kind of how life was in the 80s, I guess. But anyways, the kid had these startling blue eyes, just piercing blue eyes, which I'm not into guys, but I'm going to say it, he had beautiful eyes. The little gnobling or whatever he was in Lord of the Rings has beautiful, bulgy blue eyes.

And he just had a very gentle demeanor, like a kind, soft spirit from what he. I can tell and we were laughing and chatting and giggling and so I don't know I just thought it was interesting that in the span of a week I got to kind of somehow you know see and be around these celebrities from different areas of the spectrum from kind of old and aging in their 60s down to I'm sure Elijah Woods still in his 20s. somewhere so there you go there's my little celebrity story but i was excited it's fun and it's it's especially fun when you meet a celebrity and they they turn out to exceed your expectations of

them because believe me i met a lot of them that are just knobs and elijah nublin wood is a cool little dude hello hello My name's Talking Tina, and I'm going to kill you. Talking Tina, hello. Speaking of phones, are you as annoyed with phone message setups as I am? You know, when you call someone's phone and they're not there, they go through this whole rigmarole, they're like, We're sorry, the person you have dialed is not available right now. To leave a message, please wait for the tone.

or press one and dial now. When you are finished making your call, please hang up and press the button and go pick your face and eat a cheeseburger. Okay, why do we need all that? Hello? All we need is... Hi, I'm not here right now.

Leave a message. Beep. And then I leave my message. I don't need the whole menu. It's like human. like to hear themselves talking off? I mean, what's next? It's like,

Hi, the person you are dialing is not here right now, so please leave a message, or stay on the line and talk to me. What did you do today? Really? Oh, what mall were you at? Really, I love that color. Brown is the new green. Why don't we get together for coffee sometime?

You can't miss me on the little cellular telephone. Beep! My name is Taki Tita, and I'm born to God. Right? Here's the one that's the real killer. How about you phone your friend, right? And they're like, you get this recorded voice where it goes, please enjoy the music where we locate your caller. You're like, oh, God. Then, like, their favorite song comes on. And you know that they programmed it in, and they're like, hey, man, I really dig this song, man. Iron Maiden tune jams.

Everyone who phones me has to be exposed to it, man. I'm going to start an Iron Maiden Revolution, man. Good Lord. So I don't know. Just keep it clean, keep it simple. If you're going to leave, like, a long-winded message, at least make it creative. Like, make me laugh.

Say something silly. Say something funny. But to have me press, and press three and press five. If you'd like to deliver this message normally, press one. If you'd like to do it with fast delivery, press four. If you want to do it with a pizza, press six. Oh, shut up.

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August 1st. Well, anyways, let's get on to something that's a little more not annoying. this is uh i don't know if you guys caught this bit i did a few shows back but um i started talking about british humor and uh there's this this uh crazy magazine that i've been reading for years out of the uk called viz viz um and it is online you have to search around for it i don't have the website in front of me here but uh it is just ridiculous and they have this one section where it's called

Roger Nellie's Profaniserius and what it is it's I guess he's created his own bad words and then just like a dictionary or thesoreas or however you say it the Thesorius I do believe in ghosts

I do believe I do believe they put little descriptions of these words. Now, keep in mind if you got the kids by the podcast, if you have the kids in the family huddled around the podcast, just be warned. These can get a little graphic, a little edgy, a little racy, but for some reason they're so stupid and they're so edgy and they're so dirty and foul that they make me laugh. Now, keep in mind, these are not mine. I am reading right out of Viz magazine.

so first I'll give you the name of the act and then I will read the description that they have here because we all love the British humor here we go the first one is called the Great Escape the definition of fart that is planned well in advanced and released surreptitiously over a period of time and probably shaken nonchalantly from the bottom of the trouser legs whilst whistling.

Oh, yes. How many of you have shaken a fart out of the bottom of your pant leg while whistling? That is called a great escape, apparently. Here's the next one. Heavage, a cleavage that is only there thanks to cleverly designed tit pants. See, only the Brits would come up.

Who calls a bra tit pants? Here's one. Jammy Dodger. Jammy Dodger. A lady who uses the fact that the tomato boat has docked to avoid performing her wifely duty. Wow, the tomato boat is docked. Okay, for those of you that are a little young listening,

that's called The Period. I got to read that one again. The Jammie Dodger. Just that, come on. The Jammie Dodger, a lady who uses the fact that the tomato boat has docked to avoid performing her wifely duty. Oh, good Lord. Here's one called Livingstone Daisies.

Livingstone daisies, attractive flowers that come out when the sun shines. That's number one. And now number two is attractive knockers that come out when the sun shines causing taxi drivers to mount the pavement, milkmen to fall down manholes, and priests to ride their bicycles into fruit stands. Wow. Okay.

Let's move on. This one is kind of technical. This, according to Viz, it's called a 1.5. A 1.5 is a visit to the toilet. Where a product falls somewhere between a number one and a number two. A runny shit or more rarely a lumpy piss. Oh, God. You believe a 1.5?

Where you get an in-betweener where it's somewhere between a runny shit or a rarely a lumpy piss. Good Lord. Oh, all right, let's move on. We've got one more. Let's do one more, because these are just getting crazier as we go. Let's end off with a real winner here. This one's called a screaming monkey. A screaming monkey is described as a bit of female genitalia,

probably the bit, which looks the most like a screaming monkey. Wow. I think I've got to read that. one again hold on take a deep breath put on your seatbelt screaming monkey a bit of female genitalia probably the bit which looks the most like a screaming monkey well there you go there's that british humor for if you want to check it out those are right out of viz magazine and uh it is hilarious. It is just full of crazy, nutty stuff like that. And I think you can get to it by going to viz.c.c.com.

And you could probably subscribe to it there. It is a laugh, man. It makes me laugh out loud. It's so ridiculous. So let's wrap it up. Our visit with Viz. Our Viz. It. Always look on the light side of life If life seems jolly rotten, there's something you forgot And that's to laugh and smile and dance and sing When you're feeling in the dumps Don't be silly chumps, just purse your lips and whistle, that's the thing

Ains always look on the bright, side of life. Always look on the right side of life. I'll tell you one area of life that I will never look on the bright side of. And you've heard me gripe about this before, but I've got to bring it up again because it happened to me again. I'm at the grocery store. You know, it's a busy day. There's a lot of people checking out with their groceries.

And the lady in front of me has, you know, got a lot of stuff. She's got her two screaming kids with her. She's buying all this food to keep perpetuating their life. And, you know, the guy's like, well, there you go, ma'am. That will be 5947. All right? Now, most people nowadays just swipe their credit card or they just, you know, hand over 60 bucks or 50 bucks she did this thing that for some reason and it's mostly women who do it as far as I've seen you know I'm just going by what I've seen you know people in front of me at grocery stores 7-Elevens whatever they love to give the exact god darn change as word as God is my witness is a oh 47 cents okay hang on

I have this. She knows there's a giant lineup behind her. People with baskets of food, melting ice cream, defrosting turkeys. People are hungry. People are irritable. They just want to get home and eat. And this lady, you know, starts to go through her little change wallet. And, of course, you know how tight it is in there.

It's made a leather and it's hard to get your fingers. It's like, you're digging around. And she couldn't find the coins. so she turns her change purse upside down and starts banging it like a ketchup bottle. Oh, here's some pennies, here's some dimes. Literally takes about four minutes to get the damn change. Now, why are people doing this?

Do you think you're getting ahead of the change curve? It's like, oh, my God, if I get rid of this change now, I'm all cut up. I'm even. I'm going to be totally caught up for the fiscal year. I'll have no change left. No one can pin any change on me. my wallet will be so clean and so much lighter.

Now that those four coins are gone, so much lighter. It's like, what is the upside? It's almost like they're like, ooh, oh, it's like a game. It's like a math. Oh, wait, 47 cents? Wait a minute. I've got all these little pieces. And if I give you a shiny nickel and a quarter and two dimes and two pennies and

look at that. I solved the riddle. You didn't get me this time. You didn't think I had it, did you? Yeah, I got it. I got your 47 cents right here. Here's your 47 cents. Billy, get out of the friggin' chopping card,

and Wally, get the turkey out of your mouth. Here's your 47 cents. You know what I mean? It is such a royal pain in the arse. It is such a royal pain in the screaming monkey. I'm telling you. I just want to kick my screaming monkey when I get behind these people. Knock it off.

Hand the freaking guy. He's got a drawer full of change. Hand him a bill. He'll give you your change back. You're never going to get ahead of change till the day you die, okay? I'm promising you the day that you die, there will probably be some change in your purse, in your wallet, in your pocket, in your little tray in your car.

In your jar at home where you put all the pennies, you're never getting away from change. So change your habits. Stop goofing around with the change. Give my screaming monkey a break. I rest my case. And in doing so, it looks like I've used up all the rest of the time, and now we're at the end of the show. But what a show we had, what a day, what a revealing day we had.

And let me reveal some more treats for you, okay? I want to fill you in on my stand-up schedule. Coming up this month, March 17, 18th, and 19th, you can see me in St. Louis doing some stand-up comedy. You know, it's in Illinois or St. Louis. It's right in that area where all the states come together. and my little appointment book showing Illinois, but yet my agents tell me it's St. Louis. So go on my website.

Unfortunately, I don't have the name of the club in front of me, but if you live in the Illinois-St. Louis region, you can track me down, go to harlomewilms.com, click on my stand-up schedule. You can find out where I am. And then the following weekend, the 24th, the 25th, and the 26th of March, I will be in Salt Lake City, Utah.

and a great club there where I always enjoy tearing it up. So, again, check the old schedule and find out where you can come and watch the kid bust it up. So that's it. I want to thank you and your friends for joining. Feel free to call and leave me a message at 888, 500, 2090. Don't forget to check out the harlidwilliams.com web store. Got all kinds of fun gifts on there.

Birthdays, special occasions, screaming monkeys. And what else? What else? I think that's all I got, man. I think that's all I got. So I'm just going to end it with this. Until next time, chicken chow ma'am. baby.

And then this letter came from me It's all the memory was to check out on somebody new Oh, never think, never think, what shall I do? Oh, no, oh no, oh no, no, no no no. Walking in the sun, walking in the rain, The night was so excited, a smile was so about her, then she touched the cheek

with her fingertips, softly we're made with our kids Whatever ever happened to That night I gave it to you That night I gave it to you