The Harland Highway - PODCAST 240

Episode Date: March 9, 2011

Donuts, VIZ Magazine Brit humor, A visit from Chin Ho Hawaii 5-0, listener voice mails, outdoor gals, rubber sidewalks. Crab bake oyster farts!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Get your motor running. Head out on the podcast. Yeah, you are heading out on the podcast, little ladies and did you gentlemen. And it's the Harland Highway podcast. Welcome aboard. Great to have you here. We're going to have fun today.

I'm going to be taking a lot of voice calls, little voice messages. Messages you have left me. We're going to get to some of those and play them today. Have some fun with that. We're going to be going back to the UK. We're going to be dipping into some funny British humor. Been doing a bit of that lately.

We're going to be talking about donuts. I think we have a surprise visitor to the studio today. Could he be fun or could he be annoying? I don't know. Why don't you judge by the inflection in my voice? Fun or annoying? huh we're going to be talking about rubber sidewalks yeah that's right you know what we won't get that on any other podcast who else talks about rubber sidewalks and then we're going to be talking

about something that the ladies do that i think makes them heroic i i the men don't do it it's just something the ladies do that make us boys look like wusses but you're not a wuss because you're right here on the Harland Highway. Welcome to the Harland Highway. Hi, I'm Jackie. Want to play? Please go away and leave me alone. You just made a wrong turn.

On to the Harland Highway. Man, keep it going. Love the show. You're hilarious. My blanche and my blue blanket. Give me my blue blanket. Fasten your seat. You're riding down the Harlan Highway.

It's the Harland Highway. Have you checked the children? Yo, what's up, Harlan? I'm calling you asking for blind people to call in that we're listening. I'm not blind, but you were also talking about Hawaii 5-0 and playing that song over and over. And I do want to let you know that I do work for Hawaii 5-0 when I laugh like a fucking moron sometimes just completely random.

around that stage and set or whatever so you fucking rock man have a good one all right now here's something cool I've been wanting to talk to you folks for a long time

it's a subject that fascinates me I think it'll fascinate you no one really talks about it it's kind of one of those taboo things and so wait a minute is someone at the door Roger. I'm not expecting anyone. You want to let them in? Yes, sir. Yeah, who's at the door? Let them in. Let them in.

Hello. Oh, hey, Chinho. How are you? I'm doing good. What do you? This is a surprise. Yes. What are you doing here? Hawaii 5-0. Yeah, I know you're a police officer on Hawaii 5-0. What are you doing here? I've come to tell you about some new cases. Okay. Folks, every now and then, Chin Ho from Hawaii 50 drops into my studio, unannounced, Roger. Sorry, I can't hear you.

And I guess he gives us an update on some police cases that are going on on the big island of Hawaii. Yes. Okay, what's the latest? What's going on in the Hawaii crime scene, Chin? We have a drive-by. shooting. Okay, drive-by shooting with somebody killed? Yes. Okay. They were shot four times. They were shot four times, yeah. With pineapple. Okay. No, no, no. Turn it off. Turn off that music. No. Thank you. What do you mean? They were shot four times with bullets?

With what? With pineapple. Stop it. Turn it off. Turn it off. Are we going to go through this again? What? Every crime that's perpetrated, every murder, every gunshot, the weapon is a pineapple.

No. Run. Turn it off. What's the matter? Nothing. Just what else do you have from the police files? A freak accident. Okay, a freak accident.

What happened? Do you ever hear about when a piano falls off atop of a building and land on people and crush them and kill them? Yeah, yeah. Sometimes people are moving and they use a pulley system to take heavy objects up through the window. Yeah. It's up to the window.

Yeah. Up to the window. Yeah. Are you going to interrupt me? Yeah. What happened? Somebody get crushed by a piano? No.

Well, what happened? They got crushed. That's what I just asked you. By a pineapple. Come on. Turn it off. Turn that stupid music off. Turn it off.

Turn it off. Turn it off. Are you done, Shinho? No. You got it? How many more do we have to hear? I got one more, police story. Okay, hurry up.

Smugglers. What? Smugglers. Smugglers? Yes. Okay, what were they smuggling, drugs? No. Well, what?

I had to put my hand up, a man. You, are you telling me you had to put on the rubber glove? Yes. What were they smuggling? Lugling up there. Pynaple. Oh, God, that's disgusting. Turn it off.

Turn off the music. Get out of here. Get him out. Get him out. Get out of here. Up yours. Don't up yours, me. Get out.

Up your pineapple. Turn it off. Turn it off. Get up. Goodbye. What an idiot. Why do you let him in here, Roger? I don't know how he got in here.

You want me to call security? Yeah, maybe you should call security next time he shows up. Hang on, I just got a text. What's this? Up yours inlander. What the hell is that? Because I don't live on an island? Hold on, what's this say?

Yeah, because you don't live on an island. What the hell's going on here, Roger? I don't know. Hang on, now I got another one. Let's just say, suck a pineapple ass munch. Turn the music off Turn it off Let's get out of him

I'm going to do something else Throw to a bit or something Unbelievable Turn it off What's up Groovsters What's up freakaholics Any donut lovers out there man

The Krispy Cream experience Oh my God Those crispy cream donuts just the idea of cream being crispy is a thing on its own. You ever get them hot off the donut grill? Oh my God, they come out and they're still hot and the sugars glistening. They're just like these pouting donuts waiting.

It's almost like a sexual experience. They're erotic. They're borderline erotic, man. Those donuts. Just something sexy about it. and then you bite into them, man, and they're soft. It's like, oh, they're warm and they're soft. It's like making out with Angelina Jolie's big puffy lips.

Oh, come here, my crispy cream donut. La roon. Oh, just eat that thing up, man, and then you just can't have one. You've got to have another one and another one and another one and another one. and suddenly you're a big fatty because you're in love with a circular shaped piece of food you're addicted, aren't you?

To donuts. You love round food. Oh, it's weird. I know. But I'm going to go get a dozen right now. Go have a picnic under a tree and fall in love with a glazed donut. Mmm.

Lemmeow. Ah, yes, donuts. Good old-fashioned comfort food, right? Gotta love it, man. Oh, nothing like a donut. I'll tell you something that makes me uncomfortable, though. That's the opposite of comfort food. And I know the Oscars just went by recently.

And I got to tell you, man, what makes me uncomfortable is watching the women who arrive at the Oscars having to stand out in the freezing cold in those dresses. People don't realize it, but this year, it was freezing. The day before the Oscars, okay, it was snowing in L.A. I've never seen it snow. I was in the valley.

It snowed for about half an hour. Just like sprinkles of snow would start and stop, and then for a few minutes it would turn into hail. And then it would be snowflakes again, and it was crazy. I've never seen anything like it, but that's an example how cold it was in L.A. And then the next day they did the Oscars. And, of course, the sun's shining.

So when you see these people on camera, you think, oh, there's some palm trees, they're outside, the sun's bright, sunny, warm Hollywood. No, it was in the 50s, man. okay and here's what makes me uncomfortable these girls these women it's not really fair you know the guys step out of their limos and they're wearing like a uh a tuxedo and a cumberbun and a vest and a shirt and a shirt and a tie i mean they're layered man okay and then here's the women that coming out and they're wrapped in like Kleenex.

They got like see-through fabric on and their shoulders are exposed and some of their dresses are cut all the way down to the very top of their butt crack. And some of them have cleavage that goes all the way down to their belly button. I mean, they're pretty much nude. If a strong wind came up or even a light wind, I think if someone sneezed, Achoo! A bunch of those dresses would just fly off. Honestly, that's how little fabric is wrapped around their bodies.

So that always makes me uncomfortable, and they've got to be freezing, and they stand out there and pose and smile, and their teeth are gritted, and maybe it's not because they're smiling. Their teeth are, like, permanently frozen, and they're just like, hurry off, hurry up. I can't fill my nipples. And I guess this leads into another, you know, little area, too. You know, when you go to a nightclub, and especially in L.A.

Or I've seen it in Vancouver. You see it. You see it in San Diego. You see it wherever you go, New York. Let's face it, it can get cold at night. Even in the summer, the nights can take a turn. It definitely gets cold at night in the fall and the spring. And you will see women standing in a line to get into a club.

And they've got a mini skirt that if it was any shorter, it would be a headband. Okay? It literally comes all the way up to their hello, right? And there's nothing on the shoulders, and it comes all the way down to the tops of their boobies. and I don't know how they do it. I think if the world ever comes to an end, like if everything collapses, I think women are going to be the survivors, ma'am,

because they just seem impervious to the cold. I just don't know how they do it. I don't like to have a chill on me even when I have a leather jacket on and a sweater. If I have a chill, I will go inside or I'll stand under a heat level. I don't like chili. And somehow these women are like polar bears, man. I'm going outside.

But there's a blizzard out. Good, I'm going to roll around and make snow angels. Well, would you like your parka and your fur coat? Hell no, I got a designer dress on. I'm going to go roll around in my Armani. Okay, idiot. Up yours. So I don't know, hats off to you ladies, man.

God bless you for putting up with the cold. Now, if only you could put up with us, men. Hello. Hey, you're listening to Harlan Williams on the Harlan Highway. Uh, hello. Hey, Harlan, this is a guy. Uh, okay. I just wanted to leave a message.

Okay, what is it? That's it? Yeah. You call me to fart on me. Yeah. Why, dude? I just wanted to leave a message. Okay, thanks, I guess.

Sweet. It's Harlan Williams. I... Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what... You want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item. plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer

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Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Always look on the bright side of life. Oh, yes. It's time for more British humor. Yes, yes, yes. La la la, la, la.

Let's look on the bright side of life here. Lately I've been dipping into some British humor here. There's a magazine that I like to. read. It's a British import. It's called Viz, V-I-Z, and these guys just see things in a different light. They are twisted. There's a segment in the magazine called Roger Nellie's, what's it called, is Profaniserius. So it's kind of like a thesaurus, but of profane words, okay? And I don't. I don't know if they're real or made up, but this thing exists, and these are not mine. But I will share them with you.

They're a little bit nasty. They're a little bit blue. They can be downright disgusting, so stick some sea scallops in the kids' ears. And here we go. Here's the first word with the definition, a smedgy. A smedgy. A hilarious practical joke whereby a lady's bills are vigorously yanked up her clopper. Oh, God.

A lady's bills are vigorously yanked up her clopper. Wow. Let's move on quickly. A smee-e-e-e-S-H. S-M-E-E-S-H. A female reproductive farmyard area. The Snapper. Two, a collective noun for ladies.

Blart, tussage, cabbage. Three, a doltish fellow, a dumbass. Okay, so there's a few meanings to that one. Here's a quickie. The starter button. The starter button is apparent, according to Viz magazine, the starter button is the Clomatis, the Whale Switch, The clit.

The whale switch, W-A-I-L. Okay. Here's another one from our friends of Viz. Sticky Wicket. A well-used crease with all the bounce fucked out of it. Oh, God. Come on, man. Sticky Wicked.

A well-used crease with all the bounce fucked out of it. or a box of assorted creams. Oh, God. I warned you, man, put some scallops in the kid ears. Here's another one. The sump. S-U-M-P is the word. The meaning, the part between the front and back bottoms on a lady.

The manifold, the rocker box, the firebreak, the curb, the tinter. Oh, God. Oh, no respect for the ladies on the old sump. Oh, let's move along. We've got a few more here. How about this one? Top dressing. Okay, here's a Viz has in its profanisorius, the term top dressing.

A term used in the catering industry for an air crouton dropped next to its table by a disgruntled waiter. Oh, my God. I got to read that one again. Top dressing, a term used in the catering industry for an air crouton dropped next to a stable by a disgruntled waiter. So a nice fart popped at a crabby customer. Okay, let's do another one here. Let's see.

Toilet duck. Here we go. Toilet duck, an untimely and probably unwanted erection. which manifests whilst one is sitting on the toilet. Named after the well-known brand of toilet cleaner, which boasts of reaching under the rim. Wow. An untimely erection while sitting on the toilet.

When does that happen? Does anybody out there, has anyone ever had a toilet duck? Affleck! I mean, come on, man. All right, let's do two more and then get the hell out of here. This is getting insane. Here's one. Touch last night's tea.

Touch last night's tea to insert a digit into the ring piece of a lady with loose morals. A ring piece, he says. And the last one, here we go. It's called the term is a travel on. Travel, one word, on. the second word, a travel on, oh God. A public transportation generated erection caused by sitting over the wheel. Other definitions, a travel fat, diesel dick, or a route master, or a root master, however you want to pronounce it.

Wow. So for those of you sitting over the wheel well on a bus, a public bus, watch out you don't get a travel on. And we must travel on. That is the dirty, dirty profanosaurious from Viz magazine. If you're looking for them on the web, it's viz.c.o.org. All right? It's a hilarious magazine. And you can take the scallops out of the kids' ears now.

If life seems jolly rotten, there's something you forgot. And that's to laugh and smile and dance and sing. When you're feeling in the dumps, don't be silly chumps. Just purse your lips and whistle. That's the thing. Ain't always look on the bright side of life. Come on. Always look on the right side.

of life Wow. Hello. Hey, Arland. Seek help immediately, guys. Wow, okay. Thanks for the call there, Dr. Phil. I guess we're listening to my message machine again today.

Hello. Love you, love it. Helps my ride. Keep it up. See, there you go. Just because one guy thinks I need help, he's obviously an anomaly. I mean, everyone else who listens to this show loves it and thinks I'm totally normal.

Listen, Harlan, you're a freak. I don't know if you're on cyclone, chloride, endocrine, digit toxins, or what? But somebody needs to string you up by your gnarly big toe and take a really ugly infected cat and rub him all over you. Oh, man. I mean, come on. Doesn't anybody have anything constructive to say to me? Oh, yes, I was just wondering, do you really smoke weed? Do I seem like the type of person that would smoke weed?

What, man? I don't smoke weed. Oh, come on, man. If you honestly, honestly think I smoke weed, let me hear you say a five-letter word that starts with H. Hello. Oh, you little weasel. Nah, I'm just kidding. I love you, buddy. Oh, man, weird messages, but I love them, man. Keep them coming. So you need help. Seek help immediately, guys.

Oh, yes, you can call and leave me a message. 888, 52090. As you can see, I do put them on the air. I don't put all of them on the air, and sometimes it takes me a few weeks to get through them. The ones I like, the ones that are funny, the ones that are creative. And even if they're not, even if you're bitchy and crabby, say whatever you want to say. And I'll decide once I've heard them. But I do enjoy getting them. They make me laugh, man. So I guess I should talk about this.

I was on Conan about, I don't know, about a week ago, I guess. and I guess I should share my experience with you. You know, it was fun, and, you know, usually takes me about a week to come down off the show and wind down. And it was my first time on Conan O'Brien's new show, you know, the new one that he's done on TBS. And I think you can find clips of it on my website at Harlow Williams.com if you want to watch some of it.

Or you can go to TBS.com and look it up there. But we had a lot of fun. And I always have a blast with Conan, and people always say, you God, you look so relaxed. You look so, you guys look like you have such good chemistry, and it looks like you improvised the whole thing. And, well, the truth is, I am relaxed.

We do have great chemistry. And you know what? We do improvise a lot of that stuff. I don't know what it is with me and Conan. We just have this rapport. He likes having me on the show. I wouldn't say like. They love having me on the show.

I hate, I don't want to brag, but, and I love going to the show. So it's a two-way street and just had a riot. One of the highlights was, you know, I told Conan I brought him a present. And what I did is I got some onion buns from the grocery store. and I glued some plastic eyes on them. And if you didn't see the bit, I presented Conan with an onion bun with eyes and told him it was a toy.

And it was called Timmy the Magic Onion Bun. And he was like, what the hell is this? And I go, it's Timmy, the Magic Onion Bun. And he goes, how the hell is it magic? And I said, well, it's an onion bun. You eat it. And a day and a half later, it changes shape and changes color. and that's when Conan proceeded to throw the onion bun over his shoulder into the back of his set.

And that was a lot of fun. And then I, just when he thought the bit was over, I pulled out another one. And then another one. I'd made three of them. So it was a good time. I hope you saw it. If you want to check it out, you can check it out online at harlemwilliams.com or TBS.com. and hopefully I'll be on there again soon

and have some more hijinks for you. Hey, hey, hey, it's Harlan Williams and you're on the Harlan Highway. What's always kind of next to the highway or the roadway? Usually a sidewalk, right? In Philadelphia, I guess the town council, the mayor and the city planners, are talking about putting in rubber sidewalks,

Sidewalks. Hello. Hello. I kind of dig that idea, man. Bouncing to work. No more commuting, no more buses. Just bounce to work, man. Put on your corkshoes and

turn into a kangaroo. That'd be awesome, man. If you dropped your cell phone or your Blackberry, Boing ping Oh, no problem Did you break your phone, man? Nope, bounce straight back up What if you wiped out?

You trip Every now and then you see people trip And hit the ground Boren, bing Borg I guess if you hit it too hard You're always in danger of bouncing up and hitting a helicopter

How'd you die, man? Well, he fell on the sidewalk And was shredded by a helicopter, huh? Oh, yes, rubber sidewalks. You know, there's one thing I forgot to mention on talking about my Conan appearance is, you know, I plugged my book, The Things You Don't Know, You Don't Know. And, you know, the crowd really enjoyed it. And I don't know if any of you have been able to pick it up yet.

But it is available on the, if you have an iPad, You can purchase it for your iPad bookstore and download it digitally, or you can order it from harlomwilliams.com, and we send it out to you completely authentically autographed by me. Or you can get it from Amazon.com. But one of the reasons it jumped into my mind is because, yeah, A, I plugged it on Conan, and B, I realized when I was talking about rubber sidewalks, one of the things featured in the things you don't know you don't know is that did you know that you cannot cut down a rubber tree?

Yeah, you yell timber and they just bounce right back up. And speaking of bouncing, we're going to bounce out of here, my friends. so let me give you a few little announcements before I go let's see if you want to see me live you can catch me March 17, 18 and 19 in St. Louis the ticket information and club information is available at Harlow Williams.com click on my stand-up link and then March 25th no sorry 24th

25th and 26, you can see me in Salt Lake City, Utah. And again, check Harlow Williams.com and click on my stand-up schedule for all the info. Don't forget, you can hear us at Stitcher.com. Just download the free app, Stitcher.com, and you'll be able to hear me on your cell phone device. And check out Harlowilliams.com web store, lots of fun gifts, entertaining treats and by golly we are out of time for today so thanks for joining along tell your friends keep on trucking down the harland highway everybody and until next time chicken chow maine baby hello this is tom green Jerry and you are riding down the

harland highway well what do you know a ham sandwich George.