The Harland Highway - PODCAST 242

Episode Date: March 14, 2011

Special guest Tom Green, new shoes, stupid 911 and 411 calls, Cinnamon Boy, the art of eating seeds, caller request line. Watery winged vunder yah yah!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Friends of Mr. Cairo, Cairo, Cairo, Cairo, Cairo, Yeah, yeah, Friends of the Harland Highway, welcome one and all assembled in a traffic jam on the nuddiest stretch of road in the universe right here, right now. Welcome, everybody. I am Harland Williams, your host for this podcast, the Harland Highway, and what a show we have today. A special visit from a celebrity guest is here in the studio. We're going to be talking about, are you a seed eater, pumpkin seeds, sunflower seeds? Yeah, we're going to be talking about that debacle.

We're going to be listening to some 911 emergency calls that are just ridiculous, people that just don't get it, and maybe some 411 emergency. calls. Who knows? I think cinnamon boys dropping by today, which never makes me happy, the most annoying guy in the world. We're going to be talking about a new type of footwear that I recently saw. At least I think it's new. Maybe you can help me with that. I don't know 100%, but it freaked me out. And we also have an interesting request coming in on the phone lines today. I think you're going to like it right here on the Harland Highway.

Welcome to the Harland Highway. Hi, I'm Jackie. You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harlan Highway. Man, keep it going. Love the show. You're hilarious. My blanket.

My blue blanket. Give me my blue blanket. Passing your seat, though. You're riding down the Harlan Highway. It's the Harland Highway Have you checked the children? Hey Harland

I don't have to worry about being on your podcast because I'm not going to say anything funny You ask for people to call who are blind It listened to your show I'm one of them Podcasts are a great way for blind people To be entertained And you're right

It's kind of like listening to the radio but it's more image-driven. It's good stuff, and I really do enjoy your show. As for how I lost my eyesight, well, it was this horrible Thanksgiving Day parade accident where a shark bit into the cinnamon kid, and he exploded, and I got sprayed with cinnamon juice. And now my eyes, well, they just aren't working.

Well, you were wrong there, my friend. actually made me laugh quite loud when you told me that you lost your eyesight because cinnamon boy or cinnamon kid as you refer to them squirted cinnamon juice in your eyes. What a way to lose your vision. Great message. Thank you for calling in. I had been talking about how podcasts I assumed might be a very entertaining way for blind people to be entertained. Because it's, you know, you're kind of creating theater for the mind. So I'm glad you enjoy the show. Thank you for calling in and sharing with us.

And you know what? Spread the word to your blind friends because this show in particular definitely does create a lot of theater for the mind. So thanks for calling. And if you want to call and leave a message, 888, 500, 20, 90. Yo, yo, you are making it home on the Harland Highway. With me, Harland Williams. I was watching the new...

Hang on. Someone's at my door. Hello, come in. Hi, I'm Cinnamon Boy. Oh, God. What are you doing here? I just thought I'd drop by and remind everybody how good cinnamon. is. Okay, I don't think people really care about cinnamon. Well, they should. Yeah, why should they care about cinnamon? Because cinnamon's delicious. And I'm cinnamon boy, and I love cinnamon. Take it easy, kid. Don't tell me to take it easy. I'm here to spread the word of cinnamon. Because I'm cinnamon boy,

and I love cinnamon. Kid, get out of here. You smell like spices. I don't smell like spices. I smell like cinnamon. Okay, you smell like cinnamon. Good. Get the hell out of you. Here, go stand in the bathroom. Maybe you'll, you know, smell it up in there and make it smell nice. That's a very good idea. Thank you. Oh, good. Goodbye.

Don't forget. I'm cinnamon boy, and I love cinnamon. Get out of here. If you're taking a leak somewhere at a public restroom and it stinks like cinnamon, don't turn around. That freaks probably watching you. Ew. I feel dirty, that kid.

I'm cinnamon boy. Get out of here. Williams. God, that kid's annoying, isn't he? What the hell is it? Most kids are hooked on crack or crystal meth. This kid's... I don't know, he's just hooked up on...

Cinnamon! Get out! Ugh! Anyways, here's something that's probably almost as annoying as Cinnamon Boy or Cinnamon Kid, as my one caller called him. Have you seen this new footwear? at least it's new to me. I don't think I've seen it before. But I'm going to the gym the other day.

And, you know, there's an underground parking garage and there's an escalator or an elevator that goes up to the gym. And I get on the elevator and this other girl who's clearly going to the gym, she's got the track pants and the t-shirt and the Walkman and everything or the iPod. And I looked down at her feet and I almost did like a double take. it looked like she had like big foot feet or maybe like she was like an ice man you know she'd been running around on the tundra with her clan

and her feet were all brown and crazy and leathery and I was like what the hell what is this mutant and then I realized I guess it's this new type of footwear where it's like a slipper type shoe where instead of just the dome-shaped tip of the shoe where all your toes are

this piece of footwear has a different shoot for each toe so basically the shoe looks like your foot it's like you know when you put a glove on and there's a different compartment

for each finger this is like a glove for your foot so each toe has its own little area and then I guess she had kind of like brown suede as the topping and like black rubber is the bottom and I was just like what the hell she got her feet wrapped in bacon

or something? It just looked weird it looked wrong and then my first thought was like good Lord how much do those toe holes stink right because you know it's hard enough to keep a running shoe from going rotten right because you get all your toes jammed in there and the sweat and you're working out.

So how much worse is it going to be when you have your toes stuck into a little sheath, a leather sheath, and you're sweating and grinding? I mean, how do you air that out? It's like a dirty cave where a gorilla climbed into the back and took a dump. God. So I don't know if anyone has these crazy shoes or not if they're comfortable. If you want to phone me and tell me if they're any good, I'm at 888, 500, 20-90.

I'm a bit suspicious, man. I don't know if I want to see cavemen feet working out at the gym, and, you know, there's Barbara Baconfoot over there on the treadmill. You know, there's some dude taking down a gazelle and eating its femur over there behind. the uh you know the bench press he's holding on to the uh the gazelle's neck with his uh ice man feet so i don't know sometimes fashion just goes wrong i always said on this show that

flats were the most uncomplimentary thing for a woman to wear but i think i think these cavemen bacon wraps might have uh just taken top prize for that so ladies uh please thank twice before you put the foot glove on and god forbid if i'm ever at the airport going through security and i see someone with the foot glove on i think i'll just tear up my plane ticket go home and uh cancel the holiday yeah that that would hurt uh but here's something that uh that doesn't hurt uh i have a great uh guest uh with me today uh you know this guy you've uh seen him in movies you've seen him on tv you've probably seeing him eating a live cow um so let's uh say hello to my buddy tom green who is in the studio

with me today you're you you were fishing recently buddy uh huh now i can't oh i've had injuries i've had a lot of bad injuries um but what do you what does tom green fish for you don't go for bass you're a nut you probably what do you fish for sea cucumbers and salad shooters and stuff? I was fishing off a rock. Yeah. Recently, I was fishing not for a salad shooter. Okay, but you were fishing in Iraq.

On a rock. Oh, I'm sorry. On a rock. And a huge wave came along and it hit me and knocked me off the thing and I busted a couple of ribs. Tom, thank you for being here. See you, Tom. See you. Sneaky little mini interview with Tom.

Maybe I'll sprinkle some more of that in a little late. later in the show. You're expecting this nice and long. Usually when I interview people, I kind of dedicate the whole show to them almost, but not this time, just a mini-bite. Maybe I'll shoot some more in there later of my interview with Tom Green.

Have you stopped and gone into the 7-Eleven and picked up a pack of pumpkin seeds or sunflats? seed. Yeah, you know, you got a bit of a drive ahead of you. You thought, yeah, have something to chew on, occupy my mouth, take care of that oral fixation, have a little snack. Let's say you got to go 10 miles, okay? And from the point you bought the seeds, your car is sparkling clean. Now, cut to your destination 10 miles away. And please tell me, your car doesn't look like the inside of a parrot cage. Okay?

Yeah, you thought you'd be able to just, like, spit the seeds out the window or put them in the ashtray. But, come on, you'd admit it. They're everywhere. There's, like, seed spray on the edge of your side mirror. And there's, like, pieces of seed stuck to your window, and there's crap on the steering wheel. You know, there's junk on the floor and on the seats. Nice try. You're no parrot, man.

You're a hungry seed-eating freak. You've just made a mess. And yes what? You're still hungry. Because 90% of seeds is that stupid shell. The stuff you got into your belly, there's not enough there to plant a small garden. And was it really worth the effort, huh?

Sitting in your car like a parrot? Cracking seeds. They'll have another pumpkin seed. Was it really worth all that cracking and cutting your gums and now your lips are all salty? Looks like you've been sucking on the side of a salt lick out in our pasture. Oh, no, you're good at eating seeds, aren't you? Well, here's a tip.

Take a look in your rearview mirror, baby. Yeah, smile. There's a bunch of seed shell stuck in your teeth. It's Harlan Williams. Ah! Ha! Okay, I, uh, I, I, I, I feel guilty. I cut you short on the Tom Green interview.

Um, you know, just, I don't know why. Just teasing. Let's, uh, let's have some more with Tom Zachary Green. I've been getting massages. Do you get massages? Yes, I do. I have a lady that comes up and is working on my back now because I've broken ribs. Is it a lady or be honest, is it your friend Fabio with the I can't believe it's La Pollo? It's not a lady. No, you're right. It's a...

Fabio? No, it's a whore. Yeah, that's Fabio. Tom, thank you for being here. See you, Tom. See you. Oh, God, I did it again. Just a little tiny teeny teaser interview. Annoying. Totally annoying.

You know what else is totally annoying? Oh, this drives me nuts. How many of you, when you're typing away on your old computer, right? You're typing away, you're writing a letter, you're writing a document, whatever you're doing. and you're typing furiously and fast and you're just flying through the keys and you really like what you're saying, you really like what you're doing.

And then, you know, halfway through your letter, you look up and in the middle of a word, let's say the word is, you know, I don't know, school. Okay? It's spelled S-C-H-H. And then all of a sudden, OOL is in capital letters. And you're like, whoa, what? And then you look and the rest of your letters in capital letters.

You're like, what the hell? And then sure enough, you look over and then your caps lock button with the little green dot on it. The little green light is illuminated as if to say, ha, ha, got you. And suddenly you're like, oh, God. and so you got to like you got to go back and retype it all unless there's a button that lets you automatically highlight it and turn it into lowercase letters maybe this is something i don't know about if there is a button someone help me 888 500 20 90 call me this is like a 9-1-1 emergency almost wow

I mean, good Lord, man. Don't you hate that? Just drives me nuts. And speaking of 911 emergencies, let's go to our 911 operators. And let's listen to a few of the latest 911 calls that come in and just are ridiculous. 911, where's your emergency?

6.08 court. What's going on there? There's raccoons in my attic, and it sounds like they've made their way into the attic somehow from outside. Okay, you dialed 911 for raccoons in your attic? Well, yeah, because animal control came out one other time. I haven't called my landlord yet. I ran, so I didn't know whether to call her first. Well, you definitely need to call your landlord, but next time you need to call on the administrative. administrative line that's taken up an emergency lawn. Communications can't help you? It's just an emergency. Okay. Sir, could you tell me what time the sun goes down?

I'm not sure on that one. Hang just a second. Can you tell me what time the sun goes down? Good Lord. What is wrong with people? What is wrong with people? You know what? If you've ever called 911,

It's kind of interesting. Let me know. Give me a call 888-52090 and share your story with the highway listeners here. And let us know, because how many of you honestly have ever had to dial 911? It's kind of a weird experience. How often would you ever do it? I actually had to do it once in my neighborhood. I saw these suspicious guys,

and they were just kind of walking on the street. And they looked totally out of place, and they actually rang my bell, and I didn't know who they were, and they didn't seem to have any answers, and then they walked away, and they started going up the street, and there had recently been some burgul,

burg-b-b-b-b burglaries in the neighborhood. And I had to call 9-1-1, and sure enough, the cops came out, and it actually felt kind of good. It felt kind of, you know, they got there pretty fast, and they were very courteous and nice and seemed concerned, and they ended up finding these dudes and pulling them over, and neither of them had any idea on them conveniently. And so I want to hear your stories.

Have you ever had to call 911 and why? 888, 500, 2090. Share with us your emergencies. And then if that segment goes well, maybe we'll do another segment where we'll do, have you ever had to call 411? What? What if you dialed 911 and 411 at the same time? It's an emergency.

I need information. How do I get to the holiday end? It's an emergency. I need information. What time does Arby's close? You know, that type of thing. Now, don't go doing that because, you know, you know what?

Wait a minute. What the hell? I'm going to try dialing 9-1-4-1-1. Let's see what happens here. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes, yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what, you want it to be better,

not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus, 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy, all will be packaged and sent discreetly. For free and fast. Don't wait, Better Sex is just a click away. That's 50% off, one item, and free shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom.

Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harlan to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So, be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping. Code Harland. Have fun.

Don't throw your back out. This is a true story. It happened right here in my town. One night, 17 kids woke up, got out of bed, walked into the dark, and they never came back. I'm the director of Barbarian. A lot of people died. in a lot of weird ways. You're not going to find it in the news

because the police covered everything all up. On August days. This is where the story really starts. Weapons. Okay, nothing. I just got a busy signal. Notice how fast I did it because I was scared that I would actually get through to 911.

I did dial 911, but Then I hit 411 super fast. And apparently emergency plus information leads to nothing. It just leads to beep, beep, beep, beep. So there you go. Share with me your Emergency 911 stories 888-52090. Thank you for calling emergency information. You've selected.

I just had a baby. If you know who the father is, then enjoy your new life together. If not, pick a man whom you wish was the father and tell him the baby is his. If you are unhappy with your new baby, do not throw it in a dumpster. A healthy baby can fetch several thousand dollars and celebrities are always in the market for new ones. If you do keep your baby, take five minutes to do something you enjoy and get a good night's rest. Because this is the last chance you'll have to do either for the next 20 years. Oh, hang on.

There goes our phone. Hello? Yes, I'd like to make her a quest. Pardon me? I'd like to make a request, please. Um, no, this isn't one of those shows. This is the Harlan Highway. Oh, I think you do.

There's going to be litigation. What are you talking about? This is America, Jackass. Okay, I can sue for anything I want. Now, you're going to play me a love song because me and my boyfriend are having a fight, or I'll see your ass in court. Okay, take it easy, lady. You want a little love song, I'll dedicate it, and then that's it.

Yeah, damn right. I want to hear Whitney Houston, I will always love you. It's from the movie The Bodyguard. Will you settle down, lady? You don't have to yell. Take a breath. Okay. Okay, here we go.

This is Whitney Houston. I will... No, no. What do you mean? No, no. Do it like they do it on K-Jaz. You got to be kidding me. Do it!

This next song's going... What's your name, by the way? Carol! This next song's going out to... What's your boyfriend's name? Danny! This next song's by Whitney Houston, going out to Carol and Danny.

Good job, Jackass. Hey, that's uncalled for... Just play the song, Jackass! This is unbelievable. And I... Okay, stop it. Stop it. We're not playing Whitney Houston here.

I don't care if she sues me. I don't care. Hold on. The phone's ringing. Hello? What? Do you think you're doing, jackass? You don't need to use that language on my radio show.

Okay. Why don't I tone it down a bit and call you a jackass? Look, stop it. I think it's very apparent why Danny left your sorry ass. You're a 300% bona fide bionch. Excuse me? You heard me. Really?

Yeah. Are you single? What are you talking about? Do you have a girlfriend? Why are you asking me that? You want to go for coffee? No, I don't want to do that with you. Oh, you're going to go for coffee, or we're going to go to another C-word, Courthouse Jackass!

All right, hang up on this chick, Roger. Get her off. Jackass! Have you ever done that? Has anyone out there ever called into a radio station and asked them to play a love song or a request? I just never got that whole thing. It's like you've had a big fight with your girlfriend or your boyfriend

or your boyfriend's overseas. fighting in Afghanistan or your boyfriend's uh you know working down at the plant and how does that work it's it's like you call them up and you're like hey baby make sure you listen to the radio tonight huh what are you talking about just i can't tell you but just make sure you're listening to the radio what do you mean for how long you know just for the next nine hours because there's something special. What the hell are you talking about? I'm at work. Well, maybe, what, you, don't you love me? Yeah, I love you, but then listen to the radio for the next nine hours. There's something special. Well, can't you just tell me? No, it's going to, the guy on the

radio is going to tell you. What the hell are you talking about? I got to work. No, you don't love me. All right, I'll listen to the radio. Right? And then all of a sudden, it's Like, hi, Cindy, and what can we do for you? Well, me and my boyfriend have been fighting lately, and I want to remind him how much I love him and care for him. So could you play REO Speedwagon? I can't fight this feeling anymore. Okay, well, isn't that about when you are falling in love?

Well, what are you? Do you think I should leave him? Okay, we'll just play it. We'll just play it. Okay, thanks. What time? Oh, we'll get to it eventually. Sandy.

Okay, I'm going to call my boyfriend down at the plant. Okay, great. You know, it's like, why are people communicating through the radio? It's just kind of weird because you don't know when they're going to play it. That stuff's all pre-recorded. It's not like it's live. Like they call you in and they just happen to have your song there ready to go. Right?

can't you just call your uh your partner up and say you know what we're having problems we have to talk oh no i'm not talking you want to talk to me you put it on the radio you call c hfm and uh you got you got a problem with me baby i'll uh listen to you at four o'clock at work okay can't we just talk no i want our argument wrapped in uh between a dolly part Martin song and a bangles song Oh that's unreasonable And what

And I want the whole world To hear our argument Oh I'm just going to leave you forever Okay But I have the hotline number for KF HIM right here Oh that's handy up yours

I don't know I just I never understood it The whole request Westline thing, man. Crazy, funny, wild stuff. That is wild, wild, stuff. Thank you for calling emergency information.

You have selected how to make an atomic bomb. First, see if you have any plutonium lying around. If not, any fissile material may be easily purchased from a catalog or online. Once it arrives, carefully molded into a roughly spruce. spherical shape, then find an empty field, surround the plutonium with firecrackers, light fuse, and get away. Farther, farther, further, still a little more, and wait. If you did everything right, you've become death, destroyer of worlds.

Oh, yes, death destroyer of worlds, everything coming to an end. And fitting, fitting, fitting, because here we are at the end of another. stretch of the Harland Highway. Thank you so very, very much even for driving along. Hope you had a great time.

Hope there was some laughs, some tears, whatever. We had a lot of stuff going on today. Check it out if you want to see me doing stand-up comedy live March 17, 18, 19.

I will be in St. Louis. and then March 24th and 25th and 26. I will be in Salt Lake City, Utah. Please go to Harlandwilliams.com and check my stand-up comedy schedule for all the information, showtimes, tickets, prices, everything. And while you're there, check out the Harland Williams Web Store. Got all kinds of CDs, DVDs, T-shirts,

It's one-of-a-kind handmade gifts that I put together myself. My book, The Things You Don't Know You Don't Know, which is also available for those of you that have an iPad. It's a great fun read. Hopefully provide you with some chuckles and giggles. You can pick up the Harlot Highway on Stitcher.com, and that is it. That is all I got for you today, folks. Keep on loving, keep on breeding, keep on eating the chunky monkey from Ben and Jerry's. And until next time, chicken, chow, maim, ma'amit.

I only wish I have the strength to let it show I tell myself that I can't hold out forever I say there is no reason for my fear because I feel so secure when we're together you give my life direction You make everything so clear And even as I wonder, I'll keeping you in sight You're a candle in the window

And I call a dark red light And I'm getting close to the light