The Harland Highway - PODCAST 243

Episode Date: March 16, 2011

St. Patrick's Day with visits from Kringee McKringles the Irish leprechaun, 80's roller rink flashback, V.I.P. sections, hairy armpits, a drunk Irish song, and bed bugs. Wash my water buffalo!!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Put your green sweater on and tell the butler to whip you up some green scrambled eggs. Don't know what that means, but get a clue. St. Patrick's Day. Ah, yes indeed he do. Uh, hello, happy St. Patty's Day to all my Irish listeners. And happy St. Patty's Day to everyone out there. Uh, what a show we have, man. It is laced with St. Patrick's Day treats, man.

We actually have a leprechaun. We flew in from Ireland. He's going to be in the studio. I'm very excited. A real live leprechaun. Fantastic. It's going to be good. We're going to be talking about some other things outside of St.

Patty's Day. Bed bugs? Do you have bed bugs? We're going to be getting into that. We're going to be talking about the a VIP section. You ever been in the VIP section at the club player? We've got a drunk Irish person singing about leprechauns today.

Got to have a drunk person on St. Paddy's. And we're going to be talking about your armpits. Yeah, your armpits. Are they hairy or are they clean? And then I'm going to talk to you about how I went back in time and had a roller boogie disco 80s night. It was a lot of fun. Hang on to your nostril hairs.

Here we go. It's the Harland Highway. Welcome to the Harland Highway. Hi, I'm Jackie. You want to play. Please go away and leave me alone. You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway.

Man, keep it going. Love the show. You're hilarious. My blanket. My blue blanket. Give me my blue blanket. Passing your seat. You're riding down the Harlan Highway.

It's the Harland Highway Have you checked the children Yo Harlan Williams On the Harlan Highway with you And you are VIP baby You are so VIP man In case you don't know That's very important person

Okay It's not vinegar in your parsley Or anything like that Have you ever been a VIP? I mean, you're a VIP just because you're listening to the Harlan Highway, baby. Hello. But have you ever had the VIP treatment at a nightclub? You know, where the bouncers go, ooh, yeah, ooh, and they walk you through the crowd,

and they take you to a roped off area, and you're standing in there going, oh, I'm VIP. Oh, everybody wants a VIP. Hello, ladies, hello. And then you look around the VIP area and you realize nobody else is in the VIP area and you're just standing there alone, staring out at all the people having fun,

all the hot girls, and they're not allowed into the VIP area. So you're now just a very lonely person it's almost like the bouncers gave you a timeout it's like you're in the disco and it's like da-da-da-da grooving and rocking and it's like wait a minute go take a time out dude I'm telling you go take a time out go to the VIP section

stand there you'll have no contact with anyone people will stare at you like a monkey in a zoo yeah VIP my ass throw me in with the crowd man That's where the action is. I can be VIP in my own house.

Sitting there watching American Idol in my underwear, eating Cheetos. It's Harland Williams. That's VIP. Mix it up real good. And speaking of VIP, how about VID? Huh? Very important day coming up. St. Patrick's Day?

You know, where all the Irish people wear green and jump up and down and booze it up and celebrate St. Patrick, although I'm going to be honest. I have no clue who St. Patrick was or is. I don't even know if he's real. I don't know if he was real. Who cares? Let's celebrate. Pass the beer. So throughout the show, we're going to celebrate the very special.

whether you know or care or anything. I am half Irish. My mother's maiden name is O'Donnell. And I've always felt a certain Irish pride deep within me loins I have. I don't know. There's something cool about being Irish. I don't know. I just like the feel of it.

I like the seems to be a real heartiness to the Irish folk. And I've always liked. the clover stuff and all that stuff. And as far as I know, I think my producer Roger arranged it that a leprechaun was going to come into the studio today. A guy named Cringy McRingles, I guess somehow he dug up a real live leprechaun. I guess we flew him in from Ireland or something. I don't know.

But what? His plane landed? He's at the airport. He's not at the area. He's in the limo on the way over here. Fantastic. Okay, so any minute now, we should have cringy mcringles, you know, to do the whole St. Paddy's Day.

I'm excited now. This is cool. In the meantime, you know, St. Patrick's Day is about drinking and boozing and celebrating and just having a good time. and it wouldn't be much of a St. Patti's Day show if we didn't have someone drunk off their ass singing a little booze-inspired song. So here we go.

An anonymous person recorded at an Irish pub singing about leprechauns. There was a leprechaun and his name was leprechaun. And all the places he'd go, all the mooses know, and they called him leprechaun, leprechaun. Leprechaun. Wee, oi, oe, lepraconie. Lepriconee.

Little, little leprecon. Oye, Lepricone. Yes, I found you at the end of the rainbow. Now give me your potter gold, or I'll poke you Lepricone. Lepricon. Lepricon. Ooy, yoy, Lepricon. Lepricon.

Lepricony. Hey, little, little leprickon. Oh, lepricony. Oh, I take you to the North Pole. We have some fun. Hey, Lepricon? Okay, annoying, annoying, annoying. Ooy, o'oy, o'y, what the hell was that?

Lepricani? Lepricca... Good Lord. There's always someone boozing it up. I want to tell you about something fun I did, man. Speaking of boozing it up, a buddy of mine had like his 40th birthday. Okay, and he decided, him and his wife decided to rent out a roller rink. And the theme was like 80s, the 1980s.

And it was really cool. They rented out this kind of, you know roller skating arena that was a throwback and it had a really nice like wooden floor was huge was like the size of a hockey rink the giant disco ball they had the snack bar you know they're blessed in the 80s tunes and uh it was weird man it was it was like almost like getting into a time machine you know like everyone actually took the uh the dressing like the 80s to heart and people had the

olivia newton john let's get physical spandex workout stuff on and people had the big hairband hair and people had the even the guys had the tiger striped spandex pants and there's a guy there in a baskin robin's shirt the old ones that were like striped orange and brown and purple uh there was there was a guy walking around in his underwear

and a white shirt doing the whole risky business Tom Cruise thing. I mean, it was kind of cool. And then there we were. We were all on this giant rank rolling around and the, you know, Bon Jovi's playing and Def Leopard. And, you know, St. Elmo's fire's going and the disco ball's going. And, you know, there's a guy on a microphone. The guy who was the guy whose birthday it was Chris was like,

I want to thank everybody for coming out and you're all my great friends and I just want to say I love you and he was a bit drunk and he was kind of pouring his heart out while we're all skating around and I got to say it actually felt like I went back like you know a number of years I won't say how many and it was it was crazy I actually felt like I had stepped back in time for a little bit there it was just swore whirling around, skating around with a smile on my face. I just kind of let the moment take me away. And it was really, really, really fun. You know, sometimes when you hear about these theme parties, you're like, oh, God, really? I'm we a little old for this crap. And what I learned is you just got to kind of let it go

and have fun with it and enjoy. And it was a lot of fun. And I just thought I'd share that with you. So there you go. Look at me getting in a time machine and going back in time. Well, let's move along. It's St. Patty's Day. Almost.

Well, I guess St. Patrick's Day is just around the corner. And I know today we're expecting a visit from a special... Oh, wait a second. Here he is now. He just entered the studio. It's a leprechaun. Oh, my God. How are you today?

Oh, shiver me timbers and shiver me timbers. My name's Crinky McRingles. Well, Crinky, uh, wait, beautiful to have you here. Uh, you must be excited. I am, shiver me timbers. Flarkty, darkty, slurkey, forked, dorkty, dorky. Okay, I'm not sure I know what that meant. Slorkly, florkly, florky, florky, florky, florkey, dorky, slurkey.

Okay, uh, well, welcome to the Harland Highway. Shiver me timber. Okay, we got that. And... Plorty, darky, slurkey, plurkey, darky, plurkey, darky. Okay, what are you... You're celebrating St. Patrick's Day, you're Irish. Shiver me timbers, I brought me selfish shamrock shake to slurp.

Oh, you brought a McDonald's shamrock shake. That's what I said, shiver me, slorkty, florky, darky. Okay, great. So, uh, what are you going to do with it? What the hell was that? I slurped my shivermy timbers, florkty, darkty shamrock shake to plurkey. Okay, that was kind of rude. Okay, do you have to slurp your shamrock shake right in my face?

Well, I guess that's my answer. Sure I'll shiver me flingers, darky, snorky, flaughty, lorkty shiver me flingers. Stop slurping your mishake in my face. Cut it out. Shiverby timbers, you've got to cringle up your arse. Stop, slick, get out of here. Shiverby timbers, you can't throw me out. I'm a lucky leprechaun, shiverby...

Get them out. Get a shamrock shake out of here. Up your shiverby timbers, up your crinkly, crankly, crunkly, froncly, funky, fungly. Get out! God, what the hell was that, Roger? Jeez. What do you mean? We have to have them.

Mr. Featherstone says... Yeah, I know Mr. Featherstone's Irish. Oh, he says we have the leprechaun or else. God. Do I have to work under the auspices of being threatened? Yes, auspices is the right word. Well, okay, maybe it's not. I just don't like being forced to put guests on the show that clearly suck.

The guy slurping a green milkshake right in my face. Could it get any ruder? Unbelievable. Let's just move on. God, do we have to have him in here? I hope not. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex?

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Try to do a special St. Patrick's show and I get an obnoxious leprechaun that flies all the way from like Dublin and the guy slurps a shake in my fat face. God Let's just move on to something fresh here Ridiculous Where's my players at

Who are dating the European girls European girls are hot But there is a small sect Of European hoddies Who I guess don't Feel the need to shave their armpits They just kind of

leave in the pit hair thing. I used to have a German girlfriend, man, who had the big pit hair. I guess if you love someone enough, they could have a beard, I don't know. But it's a little weird, getting used to that, man. You kind of, some night you, like, kind of accidentally brush your hand up there. starts crackling. Feels like you just stuck your hand in someone's afro. Feels like you're running your hand through a shag carpet.

And you're like, what? I thought we were in the bed. How did we get on the floor? Oh, yeah, it's the pit hair. And then she catches, you're looking at it. What are you looking at my armpits for? That's the matter? Oh, nothing, nothing, man.

I just, I think I dropped my car keys in there. I can't, can you, can we shave them? Just, what are you talking about? Why would I save my armpit hairs? Are you crazy, man? That's how I keep my armpits warm. That and also the turtles come every spring and lay the eggs and the armpit hair. The turtles lay the right.

Yeah, that's what I said. The turtles lay the eggs and the birdies. Little birdies make the nest and ferrets, little white weasily ferrets. make the nest. Okay, turtles, birds, ferrets. Yes, that is right. Now put your face in here and swishle it all around. Look, I just got a pit hair stuck in my tooth.

Oh. E! Hey, Arlo, and this is Jeskerson from Montana. I thought I had to ask you back to you about the Tonial podcast from last. week. My friends and I from the Hidicahawks in Montana, we save up our toenails and we get together once a month to make toe jello. I'm sure you've heard of that before, but basically we just grind up the nails in a mortar and pencil. And we use the toenail powder as a jell and stuff to make our version of toe jello. Not only is it fun, man. It's freaking

delicious. And the best part is you don't have to worry about using flavoring. Tony out taste because I'd all play in this for ever need. Give it a shot, buddy, and feel good about helping save the environment, and we like to do that. You'd also be treating yourself through delicious dessert. Thanks, again, to the incredible show, man. Take care, and chicken chow-me. Yeah, I know it's almost St. Patrick's Day.

Do we have to have them back in here again? Because I didn't like him the first time. I got to be honest. I mean, uh, here he is. We got, here's the, here's the leprechaun again. How are you? I shiver me timbers. It's cranky mcringles.

I know who you are. You're in here earlier and you slurped your McChamrock shake all over my face. Yes, it was delicious. It was a slurpy, flurpy, slurpy to glurpy flurpy. Okay, is that leprechaun talk? Because I don't know what that is. It sure is. That's how the leprigons talk of clark, slork, florky-dork, slurkey, slurkey, all right, what are you doing?

Let's get this over with. St. Patrick's Day, what do you have to share with us today? I thought I'd share some Irish two-stepping with you. What are you talking about? Traditional Irish step dancing, slurkey, flarkty, flirty, flirty. Step dancing, florty, slurkey. All right, take it easy. Slarkty, flirty!

Stop it. Would you like to see some of my Irish step dancing floydie, slurkey? Well, do I have a choice? Not really, because here it comes to floaty dookty. Okay. All right, that's good. That's enough. Stop it.

Stop it, stop it. Shiverby timbers, you're in a crankly, crunkly, crinkly mood. Well, what do you expect? You come in here. And you stop it. Stop the dancing. Get rid of the tap shoes. Stop it. Shiverby timbers.

I've never seen such a sour, crunkle, frinkle, crinkle ass. And stop all the gibberish. Shibber me be, scrimble, cringle, crangle, cringle. Stop it, get out. Get your shoes and get out. Oh, no, stop dancing. Stop dancing. Your shivermeat, Timmer. Get out!

God! Is it just me, or is he possibly the most retarded guy we've ever had in here? I mean, I'm starting to miss Cinnamon Boy with this freak. Seriously. The guy slurping a McDonald's Shamrock shake in my face. It's spraying on me. And then the guy has these creepy black, curly

leprechaun shoes with buckles on him. He looks like a stubby pilgrim. His legs flailing around in green leotards. I mean, it's not a pretty sight jumping around on my desk and crushing crap

with his black, creepy shoes. God! Come on, Roger. Trying to do a professional show here, man. fly a guy all the way from Ireland and this is what we get? Just ridiculous. Oh, all right, well, let's just move on, try and collect myself and...

Oh, God. Sleep tide, don't let the bedbugs bite. Hey, yeah, that's right. Here on the Harland Highway, we hope you're awake behind the wheel. But have you been reading in the paper lately? They keep talking about the bed bug epidemics coming back. I mean, at one point of time, I guess not too long ago,

they had completely eradicated the bed bug somehow. I don't know how they prove this stuff. But yeah, the bad bug's been eliminated from the United States of America. It's extinct. But now suddenly there's an epidemic. They're popping up in hotels and motels and jumping into people's luggage. and traveling into their homes and people are having to burn their mattresses

on their front lawns. Born the mattress, hurry, burn it. Everybody from the community, burn you, throw your mattress into the pile and burn your mattress. And these little guys, these little things, I guess they're about the size of a flea, and they lay millions of eggs all in your band,

and they crawl all over you at night. And I guess they suck the blood out of you. but in doing so they leave some kind of little chemical that reacts with your skin and it causes these red welts to form and they're itchy and they show up in between your legs on your inner thighs and on the back of your knees and on the back of your neck I don't know why the bad bugs have specific favorite dining areas but apparently they like the little hello area where it's warm and soft

and armpits and places like that and I don't know man it's just you become a human drive-thru you know all the bedbugs are going yay the humans in bed come on everybody let's go eat they all go marching across your sheet Boing. They're all huddled around you, sucking the blood out of you, man. Ew. I don't want that kind of sucking going on in my bed.

There's going to be sucking going on in my bad. It ain't going to be from a microscopic bug. Hello! Oh, three. Oh, I don't know if he's a mythical leprechaun. He's an idiot. He's an idiot. And ah, come on.

Seriously? What are you doing back here? Hi, my name's Crinky McRingles And I'm an Irish Lepricon, slurkey, dorky. I know, we've been through it. You came in here, you did your dancing, you were slurping your milkshake. What do you want?

I brought you some of my shepherd's pie. Wait a minute, you made a shepherd's pie? Yes, would you like to have a sniff of me fresh shepherd's pie, slurkey, dorky? Well, I do like Shepherds Pie. Well, come closer, slurkey, darkty. Let me give you a big whiff of me delicious Shepherds Pie. An Irish specialty, Glarkty, darkty. All right, I'm moving over. Where is it?

The hell was that? I just gave you snort to me delicious Irish pie. My Shepherds pie, Flarkty, darky, flirtty, me timbers, glarkty. Are you kidding me? You just blasted a leprechaun fart in my face. Where I come from, we call it a shepherd's pie. Would you like another one? Knock it off.

The hell's the matter with you. Snorcky-Darky. You've sure got a crayfish up your cringled-crangle. Listen, Kringles. My name's Kringy McRingles if you wouldn't mind saying my whole name. Crookty, Slarkty, Slarkty. Flarkty-Darkty! Stop it! I'm tired of your gibberish.

I'm tired of your leprechaun tricks. This is just ridiculous. I want you out of my studio. Well, shivery timbers. How about a sample of some of my sweet chicken pot pie then? Before I go, crinkledy dink. Crinkledy dankly slunky dunky dunky. No, I don't want...

Oh, God. Take a big whiff for that chicken pot pie. An Irish specialty. Slurkty-darkty. Get out. Sniff it in real deep now. Smell the corn and the carrots and a... Get out!

Get out! Snip it into your lungs there, slugty, darky, shiver me, timbers, slug! Get out! I hate to use the Lord's name in vain, but good Christ! Unbelievable! Thank the lucky heavens above! that that St. Patrick's Day is once a year

and it's one day only. Can you imagine if this was like a long thing like Hanukkah or Lent and this knob was hanging around get guys blasting farts through his little green diaper bending over with his leotards and his black tap shoes

Shepherds pie guy blasts one what a freak roger would never again next year i do not want cringy mcringles around god i'm sorry folks honestly i am really sorry i don't think there's ever been a more annoying freak on this show i'll take cinnamon boy any day anyways let's move on here's some announcements. God, Crinky McRingles. Dildo. Irish Dildo. Well, you can check me out this weekend. Hopefully I'm not going to be irritated still. I will be in St. Louis on March 17, 18th, and 19th. Go to my website, harloughwilliams.com, and you can find out the name of the club, the showtimes,

the ticket prices, all that, it's going to be a blast. I'll be there at the end of the show, sign in my new book. The things you don't know, you don't know. And then the following weekend, look out. It is going to be Salt Lake City, March 24th and 25th and 26. So all that information is at harlomwilums.com on the website. on the stand-up page. And also check out we posted my recent appearance on Conan O'Brien.

If you missed it, it's right there on harlornwilliams.com. When you load in, you can watch the whole appearance where I had a hell of a fun time with Conan. And I actually do a few bits from my book, The Things You Don't Know You Don't Know, which you can order at the harlomwilums.com web store. Don't forget to pick us up on Stitcher.com. You can listen to the highway on your cellular device

and be sure to send us an email to save a shark at gmail.com and we will send you a cover letter. We're getting ready to change up and start a new restaurant. So even if you've written him before, we have a new restaurant we want to target and we want you to send letters to hopefully help but an end to the horrific shark-fitting industry. You can learn more about that.

Watch a movie called Sharkwater. Great documentary that will really open your eyes about this horrible industry. More horrible than that annoying leprechaun, Kinky McRinkles. Believe me. Oh, God. So there you go.

Another show in the can. Happy St. Patrick's Day. if you're Irish, and even if you're not Irish, hey, it's a small world. We should all celebrate each other's cultures and traditions. Why not? It's all fun. It's all celebrating the human spirit. Let's do it.

Wear something green and happy St. Patty's Day to one and all, and especially my Irish brethren. That's it for now. Until next time, a big pint of green beer and chicken chau-main, baby.