The Harland Highway - PODCAST 244

Episode Date: March 18, 2011

Strange pizza, Senior Fuentes, Harland reads a poem, secrets in the men's room, scary new computers. Flip my furry flapjack!!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

The long and winding podcast takes me back to the Harland Highway. Yep. Little Beatles to start the show. But the way I sing, maybe more like a dung beetle. Why are you criticizing yourself right out of the gate, Harland? You deserved it. Welcome to the Harland Highway. I'm Harland Williams.

and yes, we are going to be talking about Stingray pizza. I'll leave it right there. Stingray pizza today. My gardener Senor Fuentes drops by. I don't know why, but he does. We're going to be talking about a brand new computer that's coming out that will just amaze you. The technology is getting creepier,

but yet I love it at the same time. I'm going to do something different. It's something I tried once before. I'm going to be reading a poem, which is a little awkward for me. I'll explain when we get there, but I hope you dig it. Let's see what happens. And we're also going to be talking about something that's disgusting, that ladies, you are not privy to. It's something that happens in the men's restroom, bathroom, bathroom, washroom, whatever you want to call it.

It is dirty, it is grimy. I'm exposing it, and I'm exposing my. myself right here on the Harlan Highway. Welcome to the Harland Highway. Hi, I'm Jackie. Want to play? Please go away and leave me alone. You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway.

Keep it going. Love the show. You're hilarious. My blanket. My blue blanket. Give me my blue blanket. Passing your seatbelt. You're riding down the Harlan Highway. It's the Harland Highway Have you checked the children Hey everybody Welcome to the Harland Highway

And you know about a month ago I tried something on the Harland Highway Where I took a little chance I read a poem I didn't know how people would react to it I was kind of a little nervous Because you know poetry can be Some people perceive it as flaky

And some people find it deep and some people are ambivalent, whatever. But I did it anyways, just to try something a little different. And lo and behold, I got a really good response on it. It seemed to have touched a lot of people and moved a lot of people, and it inspired me to want to try it again. I was thinking about our troops. I was thinking about our soldiers, our men and women, far away overseas,

who have to leave their families behind and their loved ones. and leave them wondering if they're ever going to see each other again. So this poem is kind of for them. It's also about just having someone you love in your life. Here it is. It's called Far Away, and I hope you dig it. Far away. So I sit here thinking, the clouds dance past the moon.

The stars above her twinkling, hoping you're with me soon. I thought I heard you laughing, saw your smile today, but then alas, I remembered, you're a thousand miles away. There's a part of me that's empty, as I imagine you right here. A tragic, gnawing heartache, anxiety, and fear. Fear I'll never see. you again and touch your velvet skin, hear your voice, see your frown, your grin. For if you took away my love for me tonight, all the things I want to say and do would never

see the light. So come back soon, so I may swoon, and in your eyes the stars and moon. And all the shadows will slink away. As your brightness is in my arms today, far away. Here's hope when your loved one comes home to you real soon. Look, here they come over the hill. On the horizon, on the Harland Highway. Just a little moment of silence right. here. That was kind of heavy. That was heavier than I thought, man. But I don't know. It felt good.

That's maybe a side of me that people don't know. You know, everybody has their different sides or different levels, their highs, their lows, their depths. And believe it or not, nutty old me, goofy comedian guy, I've been writing poems. My whole life they're they're kind of a way that helped me sort through my feelings my thoughts my emotions and i'll be honest with you it was kind of it's kind of you know weird for me to share that kind of stuff with people that's something i i've never really shared but uh i got to say i love it that you people are listening that you're on board with this uh this experience the harland highway and uh even though a lot of it's comedy-driven, it's an intimate experience for me, maybe for you.

It's about sharing, it's about expressing thoughts, ideas, comedy. And so it's a little nerve-wracking for me to share that part with people, because it's not something I'm used to. So there you go, yours truly just exposed himself a little bit. Aside to me, you don't get to see. But that being said, I would never want it to come off as pretentious or annoy. And you might just be like, oh, God, didn't Suzanne Summers write a bunch of poetry? I mean, God, Harland, really?

Are you going to expose us to this now? So I'm going to ask you, I'm going to leave it up to you, people. You let me know if you dig that or if it's just too weird and out of sorts and doesn't fit in, you know? let me know what you think 888 500 2090 let me know if you think every now and then I should throw a poem in there if it does anything for you if it moves you if it makes you feel anything if it makes you think about anything or if it's just like dude get to the comedy where's senor fuentes where's dr ascot where's you have eddie the barbecue guy call in somebody get me away from this poetry stuff Because as I said, it's kind of out of the wheelhouse, you know.

But I do enjoy sharing it with you. It's something different. And that's all I'm going to say about it. I'm going to leave it up to you guys because, you know, this is kind of your show. I fill in the, I fill in from A to Z, but this show is about you guys and getting you through your day and, you know, stimulating. you and maybe outside of the comedy a poem that kind of talks about things on a deeper level stimulates you oh god i've just opened a big box here but let me know 888 500 2090 um let's hear what you have to say about it and i promise you i have not abandoned the comedy

Whomody. See? I just rhymed again. I just... Okay, let's get back to the comedy. Womity. Oh, no! You remember that Steve Irwin guy and the stingray took him out?

A little whip on the end of its tail went right up in through his heart. Sad, sad day, but then I thought, man, maybe it'd be fun. Maybe you could have some fun with these stingrays. So what I did is, I did is I went down to marine land sea world place and i snuck a whole bunch of them out under my jacket and i went home and i knitted myself a pizza delivery outfit and i got some old pizza boxes and i put the

stingray this is what i do i put a stingray in a pizza box and i just go to random people's houses and i ring the doorbell and they come down like yeah can i help you i'm like pizza They're like, I didn't order a pizza man Yeah, but it's a free one It's a free sample You know, people love free stuff, right? It's like, okay man, I'll take a free pizza, sure Okay, enjoy, thank you

And then they run upstairs to their house And they pull the pizza box open all hungry And his little whipper tail sticks up right through their throat Just kills them It just, it's like a fake pizza with a stingray and then a whip goes through their throat and kills people or right through their forehead or, uh, you're not laughing. It's stupid.

It's, you think it's stupid. Okay, what's your address? You want, you want a free pizza? I'm coming to your house. It's the Harland Highway. How about a stingray with extra pepperoni and tomato? So we'll see who's laughing. Hey,

I just turned into a big leafy vegetable, and I'm here with, what's your name? Locations or whatever the beach of it is. Wait, what's his name? What's his name? Vapor shotgun. All right, so, yeah, I'm with a vapor shotgun, and I'm a leafy green vegetable.

All right, see you later. Oh, my God, I can't wait to tell you about this hilarious story. I was out last night and I, oh, come on. What are you doing here? What is he? Roger. Why do you let him in here? I'm in the middle of a podcast.

What are you? Hello, senor. My name is Senor Fentas. I know who you are. Why do you always have to drag your name out so long? You mean Senor Fuentes. I know you're... Senor Fuentes.

Do you not know I'm doing a podcast, huh? I'm in the middle of a topic. You come bust in here, covered in fleas and dirt on your pants. There's like grass in your hair. I know, senor, I've been working in your garden. Okay. Why do you have to come here? Well, senor, the little garden you plant.

into your yard full of vegetables? Yes. Well, everything is finally ripe, and I was able to harvest, signor. Okay, that's good news. You couldn't wait till I got home to tell me that? Well, I hit a little snag, senor. Oh, boy, here we go. What happened this time, Fuentes?

That's Signor, Fuentes. All right! Well, senor, I was pulling out the carrots and the cucumber and the corn. Yeah? And I realized I forgot to bring the key to your house. Okay. So I had all these baskets of fresh produce and I didn't not want them to spoil in the sun, senor. All right.

So I had to find a way to get them in the house. Okay, what did you do? Well, you know your mail slot, signor? Yes, I know my mail slot. I had to shove the food into your slot. Oh, come on, Guy. It's not Guy. It's in your friend.

Oh God. What are you talking about? I had to shove a carrot in your slot. I had to shove cucumbers into your slot. And the corn on the cob, senor. I had to stuff it in your slot, but it was so... Would you stop talking about my slot? Well, senora, I'm just telling you where the vegetables went. They didn't go in my slot. Say mail slot. I don't like to use up too many words, senora. As you know, my English is not too good. So it helps me muchly if I just... say slot. Well, it would help me if you said mail slot. Anyway, senor, the corn on the cob was so wide. I could not push it through very easily. Oh, God. So I got the tip of the corn on the cob in your slot, but then I had to hammer it with my fist. I was banging it and banging it into your slot, but your slot was so tight it would not bend. Stop talking about slamming a cob of corn into my slot. If someone to tuned in right now, they wouldn't know what the hell you were talking about. Well, it's pretty easy to figure out, senor, someone jamming a carrot and a cucumber

and a big fat cob of corn into your tight little slot. Stop it! Well, eventually what I did, senor, is I got a two by four, and I started hammering away at that cob of corn, and sure enough, signor, pop, poof, it went right up your slot. Stop it, get out of here, you're disgusting me. Oh, I can't wait to taste the corn. from your slot get out of here and just wait till you hear how many hours it took me to slam an eggplant into your tight little slot get out god i got to get a new gardener what a dildo that guy is

slamming corn and eggplants in my i'm not even going to say it in your slot senor get out God, if there's any gardeners out there, I don't care what ethnicity, it can be English, black, white, Latino. Someone help me. I'm doing the middle of a friggin' podcast and my gardener comes strolling in with these ridiculous stories. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes.

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And speaking of crazy stories, how about this? Have you seen this thing now? I caught this on the news. Okay, they're developing. Actually, they've developed, and it should be, according to them, ready for market in like two years. But you know how fast everything moves.

I wouldn't be surprised if it's here in like a year. Now they've got laptop computers where you don't need a mouse. You just stare at the laptop and it can detect where your eyes are looking. So wherever you focus your eyes, the laptop knows you're there. So in essence, your eyes become the mouse. You never have to put your hand on anything. You could just sit there and dial a phone number or you could look at a specific map on Google Earth and it'll zoom in on the map. If you have files you want to open, you know, you just look at them, pop, open they go.

How wild is that? I mean, this is great. Folks, it's just getting nuttier and nuttier. I keep saying it, we're going to be floating soon. We're going to be floating and we're going to be hovering. That stupid thing on Star Trek where the particle beam or the transporter beam, that's not too far away. I promise you.

I'm willing to bet that thing happens within the next 25 to 50 years. And probably 25. They will figure out a way to redistribute our particles. you could beam from California to New York in the blink of an eye, man. And guess what? All that technology is going to arrive like the day after I die.

Thanks a lot. But isn't that crazy? Think about it. Because everything that kind of happens on your computer ends up in your phone, right? So it's just going to be, you know, the application, are crazy. They're going to start putting them in cars and phones and your TV. They'll probably

put a little sensor on your light switches. Your fridge. We're not going to have to use our arms anymore. Our arms will probably go numb. You know, you go play tennis and you just stare at the ball. Return. Blank. Ace. 40 love. You know, you're playing volleyball. Here comes a ball right at your face blank right over the net right or even crazier you stare out at the road you know they they project an image on your on your front window right there's some kind of like clear uh see-through image of the road that gets projected there's a camera on the front of your car and it uh it goes through some cables and then it comes up through your dash and it projects the road you're driving on onto your front windshield and so all you have to do is look at this image and you won't even need your

hands on the steering wheel now that stuff hasn't been invented yet but i'm just projecting and god forbid you see a beautiful woman in a pair of daisy duke shorts and a tight top walking down the street and you take your eyes off your windshield and start staring at her what the hell happens there does your car like run over her or do you blink and her top pops off I mean hello can you blink someone the finger if you got road rage I mean it's it's just crazy and and this isn't stuff that's in development they showed one of the these laptops in action man they showed it working and guess what folks it worked flawlessly now I'm sure if you sniff around on YouTube or whatever you can probably see the news footage but check

it out it's scary but it's fascinating you know I did a bit earlier this year about uh Watson the big computer that played against the jeopardy players the top jeopardy players and beat them Now we've got computers that, you know, you can operate with your eye movements. And you know they're working on the other computers where you just swish your hand in the air. It's getting wild, man. It is getting wild. Soon you're going to have a hologram of me. You know, when you want to hear the Harlan Highway, you press a button,

or you look at a button as the case may be. and a hologram of me beams to your living room and there I am standing in your living room doing the Harland Highway or you can watch me sitting in my studio sadly then you'll have to see all my creepy guests like Senor Fuentes and Dr. Ascot

and all the other weirdos that come in here oh so here's looking at you here's looking at you Apple Pro Book Mac Pro whatever I'm just waiting for a Terminator to show up at my door I don't like your podcast I'll be back so there you go folks

get ready get ready God forbid you wear glasses keep your eyes in check because they're going to be checking you back hello as to the vista baby yo what's up

player you are rolling down the harland highway with me harland williams you can find me at harland williams.com i'm giving you a warning right now turn away if you don't want to be exposed to a dirty little gross disgusting secret okay for those of you that stuck with me and stick is the operative word i need to know how and why and who is doing this. Okay, guys, you're out at a bar. You're out at a restaurant. You got to do a little tinkle.

You go into the men's room. You stand in front of the urinal, and you start doing a tinkle. And here comes the gross part. The only place you can look is right in front of you. Okay, there's a tiled wall right in front of you. and more often than not and I don't even like to bring this up

I have a queasy stomach more often than not you will see boogers stuck to the wall right in front of the urinals I don't know if this is like a ritual or a custom or the same guy just happens to be in every bathroom I've ever been in but what is with the sticking the boogies

to the urinal wall. Ew. And they know we're trapped. You have to look at them. I don't know. Are there guys out there like to pee and pick their nose at the same time? I know this isn't pleasant, people.

I warned you. It's ugly. I feel dirty. Don't you just feel grimy and disgusted? But dudes, you know, we've already got a bad rap. It's like girls are like, guys are just pigs. Guys are just pigs.

And I was like, we're not. pigs, man. But you know what? When I go into the urinal, and some guy has left his chicken McNugget stuck to the wall for the whole world to see? In my head, I'm like, guys are pigs, man. So whoever's picking their nose and spackling the wall, knock it off. On the boogie-free Harlan Highway. Oh, yeah, it really is disgusting. and you know I wouldn't bring it up if it was just like here and there and it was random but guys back me up on this okay you go into a lot of restaurants it can even be a fancy place or any type of public restroom if you look anywhere around the wall like within about three feet in either direction up down sideways

half the time someone's like cranked a giant nugget on the wall and it's just Oh, it's bad enough you're standing over a urinal and they got those giant mints. I don't, the ladies might not know this, but in the men's urinals, they drop these things of the size of a hockey puck and there's as blue as a smurf. They might even be compacted smurf tablets and they smell very, they're like a really strong breath mint. And they drop these, they call them urinal cakes. okay and I'd like to see one of those show up at my birthday and blow a candle out on it

but they put them in there to try and kill the strong scent of male urine oh god this just gets worse okay so you're standing over the urinal when you pee on the uh the urinal cake it kind of it's like a slow melting cube of ice every time you pee on it it kind of you know dissipates a little and dissolves a little

and the urinal cake halls mentholptus fumes go up your nose and it's just gross so on top of smelling eucalyptus pee and hearing guys fart in the

in the stalls you got to stand there and look at guys' giant chunks on the wall that they picked out of their damn nose God Just stop it. It's horrible. You know, I'm starting to wish I could maybe get waterboarded or 50 lashes.

Like public restrooms are creepy enough. You don't know who's in there. You don't know what they're doing. You don't know what they're looking at. And you've got to go stand in front of Picasso's wall of booger art. Just stop it. Grab a Kleenex. And if you have to do it, and this is going to be.

even grosser eat your damn boogers stop forcing us to look at them on the wall yuck oh so there you goes i wonder if the ladies do anything like that you ever do that guys you're out at a bar one night there's a seven mile lineup to get into the to the men's room and take a leak and it's a sports bar so there's not that many ladies there you know and you're like god i really got to go this thing's going to take 15 minutes. And you look and you're like, wait a minute, there's no one lined up at the ladies bathroom. And you run in and drop a pee in the ladies room.

We've all done it. Ladies, I hate to say it, but every guy I know has probably snuck into the old ladies room and laid down some Newman's own lemonade. But what I can tell you is it's always clean in there. It always smells nice. It always looks nice. I don't remember seeing boogers on the wall.

So if guys have to be ladylike, be ladylike in the men's room. Keep it clean. It's gross enough. And that's my lecture for today. And you better be good. A grandma's going to put you over her knee and spank you. I'm going to spank you so hard with my little crooked.

athletic fingers and I'm going to slap your cherry red bottom and just slap you till your crying applesauce tears and all the people in the neighborhood will hear you screaming but it's to no avail I will slap your pudgy little bottom cheeks bad bad booger boy sticking boogie boogie boy all right that was ridiculous I don't even know what that was um and all I can say is thank God we're at the end of the show because that just got bizarre at the end the bad bad boogie boy what the hell's the matter with me idiot

yes you are thank you you're welcome up yours up yours seven times to Thursday all right let's get some announcements out uh keep you a breast of what's going on in the world of Harland Williams.

Folks, folks, folks, you can check me out tonight. Tomorrow night, I am in Fairview, Illinois, St. Louis, at a comedy club called Comedy, etc., comedy ETC. Go to my website, harlemwilliams.com. Click on the stand-up tab, and you will get all the information. And then the next weekend, March 24th, 25th, and 26, I will be at Wise Guys, West Valley City, Salt Lake City, Utah. Great club. That one always sells out when I go there.

So make sure you get your tickets in advance so that you are not disappointed. It is fantastic. And it's going to be fun. Make sure you check out the Harlan Highway on Stitcher. Where you can get a free app So you can listen on your cell phone whenever you want And a lot of sales been coming in for my book The Things You Don't Know You Don't Know

I plugged it on Conan and it's been really catching on People are ordering it left right and center So be sure to go to harloweems.com Check out our web store and pick it up Or if you have the iPad It's a great funny read for the iPad You can get it in the I-bookstore. Or you can go to Amazon.com.

The good side, the upside about ordering through my website is that I hand autograph them all. I personally autograph each copy of the book for you. So a little bonus treat. The price is around the same. And there you go. There you go. And here I go.

My computer's looking at me. I'm looking back at you. I am looking at you. Well, I'm looking back at you. We are having a staring contest. I will win because I have a lithium battery. Oh, God, creepy. And on that note, I want to thank you for being here.

It's great to have you here. Spring is just around the corner. And I'm excited. The weather is going to get nice. Thanks for being here. That's it. We'll catch you next time on the Harland Highway. And until then, chicken.

Chalemaine, baby. The devil with people. I'm not concerned with people.