The Harland Highway - PODCAST 245

Episode Date: March 21, 2011

Going out for dinner with a group, Senior Fuentes, gardening, Charlie Lee wants on American Idol, crappy cell phone service. Wham bham thank you Spam!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Spring is in the air with the rising of the sun. Yeah, everybody. Spring is here, Vagina, and spring to your earphones, Vagina, because, wow, spring is here, and it's a spring podcast. It's the first Vigina podcast of the spring, Vigina. So welcome, welcome, Vagina to the Harland Highway. I am your host, Vagina Harlan. William's Vagina.

What a show we have today? It's spring, so of course we're going to be talking about gardening. Do any of you have the green thumb? I'm sure some of you do, so we're going to get into that. And speaking of that, I think a professional, or so he likes to call himself, Gardner is dropping by. Senor Fuentes will be here for Jaina. I think we're going to be talking about going out to eat.

eat with a group. Is it fun or is it a nightmare when you go out with a big gang of people to a restaurant? And speaking of restaurants, we're going to pay a visit to Charlie Lee at the Moonglow restaurant. We haven't talked to him for a while, vagina. And we're going to get into cell phone service. Do you have a good carrier? I know I didn't, but now I do. And I'm going to talk about it because that's what I do. I talk right here on the Harland. Highway! Welcome to the Harland Highway Hi, I'm Jackie want to play Please go away and leave me alone

You just made a wrong turn On to the Harland Highway Man, keep it going Love the show, you're hilarious My blanche! My blue blanket! Give me my blue blanket! Passing your seat, then. You're riding down the Harlan Highway. It's the Halland.

Holland Highway. Have you checked the children? Hey, Harlan. I was just calling on the little discussion that you had about child's birth, and a lot of guys can't, you know, take watching a woman give birth. It is weird, and if you're squeamish, it is quite normal to pass out. out and not want to see that. The thing I took issue with is not being able to say the word vagina. It's vagina, not Vigidae, all right.

If you can't say the word vagina, you might want to think twice before seeking your penis in there. Just because I think it's adult and appropriate to be able to say the clinical words of the parts that you're using. So, the podcast was funny. It was great. And you're hilarious, and I like that. But just try and use the word vagina every now and then. Thanks. Hey, hey, hey, it's Harlem Williams here on the Harlan Highway. We haven't dropped up. to visit my old friend at the Moonglow restaurant in a little while. Charlie Lee's the owner and operator of my favorite Chinese restaurant, so let's pull off the Harlan Highway here at Exit 61 and say hi to Charlie Lee.

Here we go. Hey Charlie, how are you, buddy? What's going on? Oh, don't ask me what's going on. How about you? What's going on? I hear you do American Idol on radio show. Well, yeah, it's not American Idol, it's Harlan Idol.

Yeah, what's the difference? Well, it's Harlan, not American. So you steal idea, huh? Well, no. Sound like you steal. Same name? Well, I get... Yeah, I look like you steal. Okay, yeah, okay, I ripped off the idea.

Do you have to tell the whole world? No, maybe I tell my lawyer, though. How about that? Maybe I make a few dollars. Okay, take it easy, Charlie. Don't tell me to take it easy. You should be in jail. Okay, you know what? I just came in to say...

Maybe Charlie Lee goes sing for a Harlem Idol. What, you want to sing? Yeah, Charlie, what the price? Charlie like price. Well, take it easy. I like a price. When I bought box of cereal, Charlie Lee throws cereal in the garbage. All he want is a prize.

Okay, I get it. You like prizes. Yeah, prize. The only prize is we play you singing for about a week, so you get kind of famous. Oh, Charlie like, Charlie like, Charlie like. Yeah, I know, Charlie like a prize. Charlie like prize. You're not serious.

Charlie sing right here, do audition, rive. Oh, no, you got to call in. Charlie do some classic rock. Charlie do red zeperan. I don't want to hear. Oh, the lady for sure. By the glitter that gold, and she bribing still way to heaven. Charlie, that was horrible.

Do a little dance. Make a little rave. Get down tonight. Get down tonight. Charlie! I got to go. Can I get some egg rolls? Yeah, I give you an egg roll. I'll put it ready. Okay, Charlie. I better win prize.

I gotta go Charlie, thanks Yeah, funny guy Terriaki Oh, that guy's out of control What a horrible voice Yeah, what a horrible voice You got, I'm surprised you even have a radio show You sound like old slow record

How does he always hear me? How fun is going out to dinner With a group of friends Or how not fun is it to go out to dinner with a group of friends, Vagina. I mean, here's what happens. You go out with a group, okay, let's say we're talking six to eight people, vagina. And ultimately you go in and everyone walks in together

and you kind of have to pick where you're going to sit. And it becomes a little awkward because in the back of your head, You're going, well, I don't want to not sit near that person because they might take it the wrong way. And then I want to be across from that person, so I'm looking at them, not beside them, so I have to crane my head. And I don't want to sit near that person because I can't stand them or they're a nice person, but I don't know how that vagina talk to them. And it just gets awkward, right? and then you kind of do this like what's that game where you uh where you you dance around the chairs ring around the rosy or the uh moving chairs game or whatever it is and everyone kind of circles

the table vagina and um you kind of figure out where everyone's vagina going to sit right um it's crazy it's kind of annoying and it's awkward and then when you kind of finally sit down you wonder or if someone got their feelings heard or if you kind of made a play for a chair that they were going for, you know, they're going, oh, do you want to sit there? No, okay, well, I'll sit there and then, why don't you go, oh, well, maybe, Vagina,

and you could go that, you know, and then it just becomes a musical chairs. That's the game I was looking for, vagina. So anyways, and then ultimately, what really sucks is you end up vagina sitting down and suddenly you're at the end of the table right next to the person you have the least in common with vagina or you don't know how to talk to them

or somebody brought a scraggler friend, right? That's always the worst. You've got a whole group of people and someone's like, oh, by the way, my brother's in town. Can I bring my brother vagina? right vagina and um suddenly there's this outsider in the group and the guy whose brother it is goes and sits with the rest of the group and somehow you get stuck with his brother well he's down there talking everyone you know and you get the brother and you're just like so uh where are you from vagina what was it like growing up uh who the fuck are you vagina you know what i mean it's just like and you're just trapped for two hours talking to this person you don't know

and vagina the rest of the table's having a great old time or you're stuck with the boring person in the group or it's it's awkward vagina and um i don't know and then uh you know a lot of the times what happens next time you go out take a notice of this when you have a big table, vagina, a lot of the times your food comes out cold. Because what happens is everyone orders at once. You got, you know, eight, nine, six people, whatever, vagina. And the waiters want to bring all the meals out at once. You can't kind of give three people their meal and make the other people wait five minutes.

So what they do is they cook them all at once, vagina. And some of them end up sitting under the heat lamp till they're all done. and more often than not, your meal's kind of cold. Vagina. Oh. Vagina. And then the real kicker comes when that bill comes, right? And there's always one guy at the table that had the entree, the salad,

the four glasses of wine, the steak, the soup, the dessert, right? And you had, like, you know, a piece of lasagna. So what you really paid out was like $24, well, the pig at the end ordered like probably about $90 worth of food. And then that bill comes out and you look like a weasel if you start going, well, I only had this and I had a water and I, hey everybody, let's just split it even. Everybody cool with that? And you got to go along with it. You can't be like, well, actually, I only owe $24. dollars and so ultimately you end up carrying the people that shovel it in and then you know

there's always the people that don't factor in tax and tip and well i put in my 40 bucks what why am i why do you need an extra 10 for me because we all put in for the tip and the tag well i don't tip and i certainly don't pay tax you know it's just a cluster beep you know vagina and And, you know, oh, vagina. It's vagina. I guess what I'm saying is it's just a pain in the ass to go out and eat with everybody. It's a great time, but it's a bit of a pain in the ass. The best time you can ever do it is if the company's paying for it or some rich guys,

like, this is all me, let's go, and then you don't have to worry about anything. But when there's too many people, I don't know what to do. Just try and use the word vagina every now, isn't it? Yes, first you take the azalea seed and you plant it in the ground three inches deep. You moisten it lightly and fertilize it twice a week. Then as it starts to sprout, you take the first young tender leaves and you trim them just below the base of the sternum. Yeah, right. Have you tried gardening? You're like, how hard could it be, right?

I dig a hole, I stick a plant in, you know? And you try to landscape your whole garden. Do you think you're going to be really good at it? And you get out there and finally people come over and you're like, ta-da, look what I did. And everyone's like, okay, dude, yeah, that looks really good. Orange trees in the middle of a cactus patch. good yeah and that tree over there uh-uh and you're like why man what's wrong with that tree

and they're like well you see how there's all those branches sticking up there's no leaves on them and you're like yeah and they're like because that's the roots dude you planted the tree upside down dumbass and then you try planting stuff and you're like cutting your hands on rose thorns and you're getting sharp leaves are cutting you and you're getting and twigs in the eye and there's bugs all over you and your hands are black and dirty and there's worms coming up and pooing on you get the hell out of my garden it's fun though i like it man what i'd like you to do is plant a tree for me would you do that because of our friendship and our love plant a harland tree and let it grow so you're

always remember me this tree is for you yeah right how about how about your dog peeing on my tree thanks a lot harland williams yeah i guess i bring up the whole gardening thing because uh you know spring is now officially here it uh it began uh i think yesterday um or somewhere in the vicinity it's it just kind of is upon us and a lot of people get that thing man it's like this is the year i bought one of those little mini shovels and i'm i want to get dirt under my nails and i'm going out there and i'm gonna do it and um you know it can be very rewarding what's funny though what you forget about gardening and when you put in plants and trees and bushes is you kind of forget how big they're going to get. Okay? Because you always think of trees and bushes as taking, you know,

hundreds of years to grow, right? But it's only when you plant this stuff that you realize how hungry plants are and how quickly nature grows these things. Hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex? No? Yes. Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what, you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy, all will be packaged and sent discreetly for free and fast.

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So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount. and 100% free shipping, Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. You know, you'll organize a garden. You put, okay, I'll put this plant here, and then a foot over, I'll put another one, and then another foot over, I'll put in three more,

and blop, blop, blop, blop, blop, plop. You get them all down. And for the first, like, five months, they look great. They're all organized, everything's spaced perfectly, and it all looks great. vagina and then you know you come up on like five and a half months vagina and uh next thing you know that the plants have grown their leaves have expanded they're growing into each other there's no more space between them it just becomes one collective vagina kind of forest floor right it starts

to look messy and scruffy vagina and um you know it's just uh it kind of becomes a disaster So that's my gardening tip for all you green thumbs, vagina, that want to go out this spring and do some planting. Just remember that these suckers do grow, and once summer comes around, man, they just take off, vagina. And they can run wild on you, man. And before you know it, your proper prim tailored garden just becomes like a mini jungle for China. So just food for thought, keep it in mind Because you definitely don't want your garden To go crazy

You might want to think twice Before sticking your penis in there Okay, I got to talk about this The president was on TV He was all over the news Talking a... Wait a minute What? No!

No, come on! What is he doing here, Roger? God! Why did you let him in? Hello, signor. My name is Signor Fuente. I know who you are. I am your gardener, signor.

Yeah, I know you're my gardener. You've been working for me for years. I really like working for you, senor. Well, I think I like you working for me, but why do you keep busting into my studio? My name is Senor Puente. I know who you are. I've asked you not to come bursting into my studio in the middle of a podcast.

I had to tell you something very urgently, Signor. Okay, what is it? I got your rocks off. Excuse me? I got your rocks off, signor, just the way you asked me to. Don't say you got my rocks off. What are you talking about? You know the new garden you had to?

me dig? Yes. And you wanted the stones all around the edges? Yes. Well, I went to the gardening shop and bought a whole bunch of rocks and put them in the back of my pickup truck. What does all this have to do with me? Well, when I unloaded them from the pickup truck, signor? Yes. I got your rocks off. Are you kidding me? What, senor? Look, why do you have to tell me that? Because I dropped one of your rocks, Signor, when I was getting it off. Stop telling me you're getting my rocks off. Well, that's what I did, Signore. It's not like I got your rocks on.

Oh, God. I was pulling one of your rocks off, and it fell right on the ground and landed on my foot. Can you imagine, Signor, your rocks all over my foot? Now, stop it. It's almost like you had a foot fetish, senor. All right, you need to get into that ridiculous. stuff. Your rocks were very smooth. I had to polish them and wipe them off. Some of them were very dirty, senor. All right, enough. Just enough. Stop it.

Signor, I carried the rocks and I put them all around the garden. They look very nice, sitting next to the azaleas and the tulips. Okay. Stop saying my rocks. Just say rocks. Well, they're not my rocks, signor. Okay. So they're your rocks? Yes. And I got them off the back of my truck. We've been through this.

I got your rocks off, Signore. Stop it. Enough. Get out of here. Signor, I have to say, I think your rocks pulled my back out. What are you talking about? You have some of the biggest, heaviest, dirty rocks I've ever seen in my life. I could barely get my hands around your big, giant rock, signor. I actually had to tuck one of your rocks right under my chin.

It was so hard. Get out of here, get out, get out. The only good news is it the sun was shining and your rocks were nice and warm, signor. They felt nice and hot, pressed up against my chest and under my chin. Get out! Get out! Uh, yes, getting the rocks off.

I have to give credit to one of the Harland Highway podcast listeners out there. You know who you are. Unfortunately, I cannot. find the email he sent me but uh i have to give full credit to one of the listeners sent in an email to harlem williams.com and he said uh dear harland i think it would be hilarious if you did an episode of senor fuentes and you do a bit where he uh he tells you he's getting his rocks off so uh that's where that uh episode

came from. My thanks to the individual who sent in that letter, I apologize. I don't have your name in front of me. If you want, you can call me at 888, 500, 2090 and leave me a message and tell me how angry you are or how happy you are that I did a bit based on your suggestion. And I will play that on the air so everyone knows where the idea came from. credit should go where credit is due and uh vagina um you know my damn gardener just keep showing up in the middle of podcast so keep those ideas coming love them hilarious uh you know the number 888 500 Vagina 2090.

That's 888 500 2090 Vagina and I'll keep looking listening for your suggestions and also looking for your suggestions on the email at Harland Williams

dot calm baby so let's talk about phone service for a second okay i'm one of these guys that have the uh the iPhone still have it for for like two years i've been using the AT&T thing okay and i got to say i live in los angeles there's a lot of hills here you go through the hollywood hills you go through valleys there's a lot there's a lot of ups and downs in in in hollywood in l.a and uh i'm not talking hills these are like

mountains pretty much small mountains you roll over uh between the valley and and the hollywood and los angeles side and so with at t and t i was constantly uh losing calls there was certain pockets that i would drive through where bang vagina the uh the call dropped out silence disconnected whatever um and even where i lived for two years Since I bought the iPhone, Vagina, I live up in an area where I have no signal. Okay, Vagina, I could not make a call. I could not receive a call. Every now and then, if I got lucky, I could send out a text.

So, you know, it's frustrating because, you know, what would happen is I'd have my cell phone at my house. I'd be home for like five, six, seven, eight hours, vagina. and, you know, I'd get in my car truck and I'd go driving down the hill and I'd get down where there was a signal and all of a sudden my phone lights up, you've got nine phone messages. You've got five text messages.

And I realized people were trying to get in touch with me all day, Vagina, and because I had no signal, I didn't get to it to later, Vagina. So I was, always pissed about that, but I thought, ah, how bad can it be? People are always complaining about AT&T. Come on, it's probably blowing it. Sure, I lose signals here and there, but everybody probably loses signals

Vagina with their phone service, right, vagina? So, finally I got sick of it, and I was like, you know what, iPhone's finally going to let Verizon in on the game. Verizon's promising no dropped calls and all this and that, and I'm very skeptical. I'm like, yeah, right. But I was like, you know what? Anything's got to be better vagina than my AT&T service. Even if it's a little bit better, I'll be happy, right?

So I do the thing. I switch over to Verizon, not thinking much will happen. Bingo! The heavens opened up, vagina. And everywhere where I used to get dropped calls with AT&T, okay? I get perfect reception now with Verizon. I can use my phone at my house. I can walk anywhere in my house.

I can text. I can download. I mean, it's just incredible, vagina. And what it did is, at first I was very happy. I was like, this is great. But then I got really mad. I thought, wait a minute, if this phone service is so good, this is so clear, so clean, so efficient.

and I'm pretty much paying the same I paid for AT&T for two or three years, vagina. What the hell was I getting? I was getting 50% of the service I should have been getting. And if I was, that means everyone else on AT&T was getting it. And I'm like, wait a minute, there should be like a class action lawsuit, man. We were paying for a service and getting half of it. literally half of it man this the phone dropped out everywhere places i would travel i would get no service i was at a remote place in florida with a buddy of mine we were at like some hotel

and we're we're on the seashore and i could not even get bars it just said no signal meanwhile he's getting phone calls he's sending text and he's on verizon and i'm like that was kind of the catalyst for me that made me decide to jump over and I'm like, man, this should be a class action lawsuit against AT&T or something, man. They were ripping us up and I said, wait a minute. This is a huge multi-trillion dollar company with all the benefits of technology at their fingertips. They've been in the phone game for decades, if not a century almost. How do they get it wrong?

How can they not know how to make their self-revelling? phone service work and then I realized I go wait a minute AT&T supplies most of the landlines and I thought there's always a hook there's no way that AT&T could not be efficient with with cell service and I thought what's the hook what am I missing here and this is just a theory okay this is just me speculating guessing um I realized that AT&T covers most of the landlines a big percentage of the landlines, and I thought to myself, well, wait a minute, if AT&T starts creating a phone service, a cell phone service that's crystal clear and has amazing reception, people are going to dump their landlines.

But what if, what if AT&T creates a cell service that's kind of mediocre, it works here and there? It's spotty at best, and people will think, you know what, I want to get rid of my landline, but, you know, my cell phone's not really 100%, so I'm going to keep my landline and my cell phone. And my guess is my gues, my guesstimation, my theory is that the big wigs at AT&T are sitting in the boardroom ringing their hands going vagina. They're going, oh, boy, let's make them pay twice.

We'll get them on the landline. We'll get them on the cell phone. If we give them crappy cell phone service, they won't get rid of the landline. And we'll make them pay twice, Vagina. So that's my theory. It just seems in this day and age, if one cell phone company like Verizon or Sprint or wherever can get it so right, and they're kind of new to the game because cell phones aren't that old,

how does AT&T get it so wrong? so I think something fishy went down I don't know I'm not an expert this is just my theory and uh you know I'm pissed that I kind of got duped and had crappy service and everything else for two three years so maybe my theory is right maybe someone will start a class action lawsuit against them and that'll be my sweet little revenge vagina against uh AT&T, Vagina. Oh, good.

I'm glad I got that off my chest. So there you go. I hope your cell phone vagina is working well. If it is, be sure to leave me a message here at the Harland Highway 888-52090. We might put your message on the Vagina show, okay? And I know you've noticed me dropping the word vagina throughout the show. Well, that was just at the request of someone who did. call in and said I should use the word vagina more.

So I hope you've enjoyed it. I hope you appreciate it. And that girl was right, Vagina. I should use that word a lot more Vagina. And speaking of Vagina, if you want to check me out, that makes no sense. But if you want to check me out live this weekend, you can see me in Salt Lake City. West Valley City in Utah. I'll be at an incredible comedy club called Wise Guys.

It is a great club. I always sell that joint out, so make sure you call and get your tickets in advance, please. A lot of people disappointed last time I rolled through. They actually had to bring in extra chairs, and I don't want you to miss out. So I'm giving you fair warning. The 24th, 25th, and 26th, March, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Wise Guys, West Valley City in Salt Lake City, Utah.

Get your buns out there and check me out for Jaina. And then if you're up in Canada, if you're up in the city of Calgary, hang on to your hats. in April, April 7, 8, and 9, I will be in Calgary, Alberta. So more information coming on that show. Make sure to check out the Harland Highway at Stitcher.com. Get your free app so you can listen to the show on your cell phone, Vagina, AT&T. And there you go.

check into the Harland Williams.com website. You can watch my latest adventure on the Conan O'Brien show. You can pick up my new book, The Things You Don't Know You Don't know in the bookstore at Harlandwiliams.com

web store, and that's it, man, vagina. That's all I got. Vigina. Vagina. Vagina. It's Vigina. Vagina. Vagina.

Just try and use the word vagina every now, isn't it? Yeah, well, I don't have time to. It's time to go, and why don't you try using the word chicken, chow, main, baby? You might want to think twice before sticking your penis in there.