The Harland Highway - PODCAST 246

Episode Date: March 23, 2011

The succulent smells of sex, swearing and cussing, the art of telling jokes, and how much jewelry do you wear!!! Slap my deep fryer silly!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Come my lady, come, come my lady, hello, come my podcast, come, come a podcast, yeah, that's right. Come one, come all to the Harland Highway podcast. You have arrived. I am here to guide you down the road. My name is Harland Williams, and this is my podcast, and you are on it. Glad to have you here. All kinds of stuff to talk about today. We're going to be. talking about jewelry? Do you wear it? Do you wear too much of it? Do you, what do you wear it for?

What are your motives? Your jewelry motives? We're going to get into the art of telling jokes. Okay? Some people just have this recipe for joke telling that I can't stand. We're going to talk about it. And then we're going to get into something a little more sexy. Sexy.

We're going to talk about sex. sense and when I don't when I say sense I don't mean your mind I mean smells a lot of smells going on during sex we're going to get into that and then we're going to talk about your mouth are you a potty mouth do you swear do you swear you don't swear well we're going to be talking about if you swear too much and when is swearing appropriate and not appropriate how about right now you are on the G.D. Hurland Highway! Welcome to the Harland Highway. Hi, I'm Jackie. Want to play?

Please, go away and leave me alone. You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. Man, keep it going. Love the show. You're hilarious. My blanket. My blue blanket. Give me my blue blanket. Passing your seat, then. You're riding down the Harlan Highway.

It's the Harland Highway Have you checked the children? Hey Harlan, it's Charlie from Pennsylvania calling Me, me, me, me. I'm glad I am a Harland Highway listener Because that is what I'm really glad to be But if you were a Harland Highway listener

I know that you are messed up just like me. Thanks for the highway. Well, how about that? A little singing from a highwayonian. Is that the new term? I'm a highwayonian? No, I don't like that. That's a little...

I don't know. Maybe you guys should think of one, right? If you're on the Harlan Highway, maybe we need a term for ourselves, right? so we can identify each other right away a highway onion is too long it sounds like a space creature as they look to the sky the highway onion hovered over the city everybody ran for shelter except for the children with the nubs for legs um so yeah why don't you uh come up with the name that we can collectively call ourselves and that'll put an end to that but thank you for the

from Pennsylvania, what a treat, what a treat, what a treat. And speaking of treats, is it a treat when you make love to your partner and how do I put this delicately? It freaking stinks. I couldn't put it delicately, so I just went for it. I guess what I'm asking is how many of you gentlemen febreze your lover before you what i'm just asking i mean you know sometimes odors collect sometimes it gets smelly guys wouldn't it be nice if you could just febreeze the inner thigh of your girl you know just get that little hold still baby hold still what are you doing what are you I just got something here. What is it?

Is it a new toy? No, it's a whoo, who what is that? Fabriz. Psh! Ow! But think of the upside.

I mean, I don't want to get too graphic here, but this is a human function. This is something that everyone listening does. There's a little practice called cunnallengus when a man goes down on a woman and pleasures her, right?

but imagine ladies and imagine guys if when a man went down there it smelled like a basket of fresh laundry i mean come on what what human being just doesn't want to stick their head in a basket of fresh laundry and right it just smells so good it just smells it just so refreshing so ladies don't don't get too insulted. And on the other side of the coin ladies, come on. I'm going to get a little graphic again. How many of your men have nut stank? All right?

How many of your men you go down to work on him? Falatio, I believe, is the term. I hate those terms. Conellengus and Falacio. Sound like a couple of German professors. don't they? I say that kind of lingus. I think I have discovered something.

What have you got, sir, fellatio? I don't know, but I think it's a G-spot. But sometimes, ladies, I'm sure you get down there, and it probably smells like Campbell's Mushroom Soup. Okay? Oh, what a way to start the show. After that nice, beautiful song and right into this topic, but it needs to be dealt with.

And so how many of you ladies, have bought one of those, you know, at the car store, at the car wash. They sell those little, they look like little mini pine trees and you hang them on your rearview mirror, right? How many of you ladies have hung a pine tree air freshener on your husband or boyfriends a winkledy doodily do? Because it is probably the perfect place to hang it.

and then you're in there and it's like an ice forested scent and it's piney and it's nice I don't know it's just a suggestion it's food for thought and just trying to keep it clean

Hey this is Herman Herman at 13 13 mockingboats Glenn. I'd like to order some Chinese food. I know you can deliver. I would like to have a order of egg rolls and a list and have to ride, rice, and some sweet and sour sweet and sour stew and a order of sweet and sour shrimp. And let me tell you, I'd like to have for the final order, some chicken chalmy better. A kiss on the head.

And may be quite continental, but diamonds are a girl's best friend. I don't know. I don't do much of the jewelry thing, man. It just doesn't feel right on me. I feel like it gets in the way. I can't wear a watch. If I wear a watch, I'm always looking at it. You know, every three minutes, I try to guess the time.

I'm like, I become like rain man. You know, I'll be walking along. Okay, I bet it's 318. I look at my watch. Yeah, 318. Do, do, do, do. And I keep going. You have it?

I bet it's 320. Yeah, 320, yeah, 321. Yeah, got to check my watch. Yeah, yeah, I'm turning into rain, man. Yeah, I bet it's 322 now because I've been rambling on so long. Yeah, 322. Yeah, 322. Oh, look, yeah, it's 322. And then, I don't know, some guys get too flashy with the jewelry. You see the guys that do it too much, or they wear something, and it just doesn't work. Too many chains. They either look like someone from the Sopranos, or they, they look. look like someone from the Sopranos had a baby with Mr. T. It's like a walking jewelry store. I always think it's funny when you see like younger guys. Guys that aren't quite men yet, they're like maybe like 18, 21, and they're flashing like big rings and big giant rings.

Their fingers haven't even completely grown yet. They got these giant ring. Yo, what's up, man? Yeah, okay there. Sarah Coventry. Trying to lift your hand. That ring looks a little heavy. I think you can get your hand up over your shoulder.

That big chunk of gold there, hot shot. What do you make a year at Taco Bell? A couple of mill. Is that what that ring's worth, huh? Yeah, nice try. You're riding down the Harland Highway. Bling, bling. And I got a bit of a beef with you ladies out there with the jewelry.

Okay, guys. How many times have you bumped into a girl, right? You meet a girl for the first time, or it's a girl you kind of know, or she's hanging around in the group, and she's clearly got a ring on her wedding finger, right? And so at some point, you know, maybe you're out at a club and you meet them

or you're on a social event or whatever, and you go, oh, you're married, cool. She goes, no, no, I'm not married. And I'm like, oh, well, there's, on your wedding finger there there's a yeah I know it's not real oh um yeah you know it's just so the guys don't hit on me I'm you know so they think I'm taken and I'm like whoa wait a minute what yeah you know I get guys hitting on me all the time so this is my way you know to let them know I'm taken and you know so first of all my first problem is who the hell do you think you are

Marilyn Monroe. Like, you think you're that hot and spicy that you've got to wear the deflection ring. And believe me, I've bumped into a few girls who really aren't top shelf pickings, okay? I've met a few low-rent girls that, you know, the only thing they should have on their finger is probably an onion ring. You know, I mean, come on, man. Not a little conceited, a little pompous to assume you're that hot, that you need a marriage ring deflector. Okay?

And then you got to remember there's guys out there that see a ring, and they're like asses, and they have no respect for any boundaries. and they have no respect for, you know, the institutional marriage or relationships. Oh, man, that chick's got a ring. Yeah, well, now I want to get into her pants even more, man. That's like a challenge to me, man. It's like, grow up, dudes.

You know? So there you go. It just drives me nuts to see that whole decoy ring thing, man. you know you'd never see a dude wearing the decoy wedding ring it's like hey bill did you uh did you get married on the weekend man oh no man it's just uh you know i've been getting too much tail and uh last thing i want is a hot chick hitting on me wanted to go home and have uh you know gratuitous sex all night man oh so what's with the wedding ring well you know that's just uh you know that's like stay away, you know, I'm taking.

I don't do it, you know. Could you picture a guy doing that? I don't think so, man. I just don't think it would ever happen. And girls are the same. Hey, don't think the guys are only the naughty guys. Okay, I was married once. I used to wear a ring.

Okay? A lot of the girls used to look at that as a challenge too they always blame the guys for being like the little piggies in the uh in in the duo between men and women but uh-uh the ladies can be just as aggressive just as horny just as conniving just as competitive just as manipulative the ladies got just as much game as the boys so uh you know why don't you all just uh you know why don't you all just uh you know, play ring around the rosy and hold hands, and then everyone's just connected. Probably the worst ending to a bit I've ever done, but I had to get out of it somehow.

You know what I hate about joke tellers, the average guy who's not a professional comedian? This is how their joke always goes. Okay, man, listen, you got to hear this joke, all right? These three guys walk into a bar. Okay, right? So it's always three guys. It's always three something. Three monkeys walk into a zoo, right?

It's always three of something, right? And then it's like, they all do the same thing. All right, the first guy walks in and he puts an orange on his head. Okay, and the bartender says, boom, boom. And then the second guy walks in and puts an orange on his head. The bartender says, boom, boom. Then the third guy walks into the bar. he puts a grapefruit on his head and the bartender says what can I get you

okay there's no joke there but I'm making a point why is there always three beats why is all that time wasted the first guy does exactly what the third guy does yet we got to hear about the second guy and the first guy why don't we just cut those two idiots out and go right to the third guy and we still get the same job And then the third guy walked in and he goes, Bo boom, boom. Just save all that time. Who came up with the three beats thing, man?

Driving me nuts. Be funny in one beat or don't be funny at all. There I said it. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse.

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So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping, code Harlan. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Okay, so how about you're saying, well, Harlan, this is complicated stuff. You're a comedian. You do it professionally.

How are we mere mortals supposed to understand what you're saying? Okay, fine. I'm going to give you an everyman joke. I actually love this joke, all right? it's real easy there's no first guy actually the joke's about a bear just so we're crystal clear

okay there's no first bear coming in and doing the exact same thing there's no second bear coming in and doing the exact same thing it's just one bear walks in and does his thing you get to the punchline

quickly it's cute it's funny you can tell this one at the office ready here it is a bear walks into a bar he walks up to the bartender slaps a 20 down on the bar and says bartender

give me a gin and tonic and the bartender looks at the bear and says hey what's with the big paws get it because I put a big pause in between gin and tonic

And bears have big paws. See, it's cute, it's funny. You know you're going to tell it. How many of you are not going to tell that joke? If you tell me, you're not going to tell it, you're a liar. And just so you got it clear, I'm going to do it again because I know you're all going to tell it. Bear walks into a bar, walks up to the bartender,

slaps down a $20 bill on the bar and says, bartender give me a gin and tonic bartender looks at the bear and says hey what's with the big paws see even telling it I laugh it's and I'm a professional folks okay I'm a professional funny guy I'm a professional funny guy and even I was laughing at the bartender joke So there you go. You got to tell it to your friends. Maybe I'll tell it one more time as Christopher Wachan. A bear walks into a bar.

Slaps a $20 bill down on the bar. He looks at the bartender and says, Bartender. Give me a gin. And tonic. The bartender is a bartender. looks at the bear and says, hey, what's with the big paws? And you know what sucks about that?

I just told that joke three times. Remember what I was telling you earlier about how I hate the three beats? And there I go. I didn't do the other two bears. I went to one bear, but then I freaked it up by telling. it three times what an idiot maybe i'm not such a professional after all i'm gonna go get a gin and tonic lying piece of sackle slut trash can scumice dirtbag bitch i'm gonna you swear out there man raise your right hand and swear no i mean swear like profanity let me hear you swear man

I solemnly do swear. Yeah, and that feel good. Just letting out a dump truck full of curse words. You're going through your daily routine. Something interferes with your progress. And you're like, And don't ever tell you, you, blah, blah, bitch, you talk this. And don't ever take it.

take my seat on the bus again, Granny. Yeah. Even religious people do it, man. That's the funny stuff. You know, the prim and proper guy that goes to church every week, maybe three times a week, the Ned Flanders. Oakley-Dokely neighbor. Tiddly-doo.

You know, you love it when your parents or someone who's not supposed to be swearing, does it, you know? Never does anything wrong, and then all of a sudden you see him like stub his toe or slam his slam his finger on the car door sometimes people use the Lord's name in vain man you know when they hurt themselves oh sweet son of God I wonder what Jesus did man

if he ever stubbed his toe right his toe on his bedpost who's named is he out he's just a jump oh oh me me ow me ow me ow me you were riding down the harland highway what i really hate is when you you see a guy that swear that that you don't ever expect to swear and they shouldn't swear you know like you meet a guy or a girl for the first time, right? And maybe, you know, it's your first time meeting with a new lawyer

or maybe it's a new business guy or maybe it's someone who's dressed really well. Somehow you've got a picture of them in your mind. You've got a vision of what they're like and they're in a very professional setting or they've got a certain decorum about them or they've got a reputation or they've got a name and you just have an expectation that they're going to,

going to be, uh, you know, be respectful and they're going to, they're going to, uh, have a good English. And all of a sudden they let out like a swear word. And you're just kind of like, whoa, whoa, what? You're my lawyer, dude. You can't be saying that. What the F? Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa. Look, I'm an attorney. I've, I'm a professional. I'm a 68 year old man. I've got gray hair. I I wear a $7,000 suit. I've got a beautiful Oakwood office, and what the f... Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, I don't want to hear that out of you. Right?

Well, you're at your doctor, you know? You're at a professional doctor's office, and you're like, hey, Doc, how am I looking? He goes, well, I got to tell you, we got the x-rays back, and you've got one of the biggest... Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, gallbladder stones I've ever seen. seat. I mean, this thing is a mother fay. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You're my doctor. What are you? The Hells Angels medical guy? What's with the foul language? And when it really rubs you the wrong way, at least me, I got to tell you, I'm still kind of a guy that believes in good manners. Look, I'm all for a good

cuss word when you're out, you know, on a road trip through the desert with your buddies or you're playing golf with your buddies sure let them fly but you know when you're around a lady you uh you try and uh you know have a civil tongue show a little respect be a gentleman although a lot of people have forgotten that stuff and um and uh sometimes you get the women that do it you know you meet a professional lady and she's in a in a beautiful uh you know skirt and a blouse she's wearing on nylons, and she's in a professional setting. She's an executive, and you're like, wow, this lady, you know, she's obviously smart. She's probably got some money.

She's very sexy. I like the way she dresses. And then she's like, hey, Harland, how are you today? And you're like, hey, I'm doing great, Mrs. So-and-so. And she goes, well, yeah, I wish this weather could be a little better. It's pissing like a, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I'm just saying that goddamn rain is really fucking up my... Whoa, whoa, whoa.

I was hot for you about three seconds ago, and now... So I'm just saying, watch where you drop your swearing in and out, man. And, you know, language still matters. And what I really hate is when you get a guy that's kind of, you know, he's not a cool guy. but he'll drop in an F-bomb or something because maybe he thinks it elevates his level of cool and so he uses it as kind of a cool factor

like he doesn't smoke and he doesn't do drugs but you know just be talking about something really mundane and drop in a big fat swear word you're like whoa whoa what the hell in it somehow it takes the polish off of their professionalism you're like man this guy's like a hot shop professor at a college i mean this guy's yeah what the f did you do this weekend you're like oh god okay he's a he's a chump so i'm just saying use them carefully watch when you use them

i'll tell you a little story and i always regret that i didn't step up to the plate but i was doing a uh you know i was taping a pilot once for a uh some kind of reality show right And we were doing this thing where it was these hidden cameras. And I was sitting in the booth. We were all hidden in a booth. And we had some people set up in a restaurant and we had cameras everywhere. And we had a guy in the restaurant with a microphone in his ear. And the director of all the seven hidden cameras was like yelling out commands in his ear.

And I was on a microphone kind of doing the play-by-play sitting right beside him. and behind me was like 10 executives from one of the big networks, right? And I think about four or five of these individuals were women. And I'm sitting there doing my thing, you know, very aware that there's, you know, important executives behind me and that there's women in the room. And the director guy sitting beside me was, you know, trying to shine in front of these people, trying to show them, you know, what a in-control guy. he was and what a, you know, what kind of, uh, you know, macho, uh, kind of control duty was. And so he's sitting on his microphone yelling at the, our actor on the scene with the plug in his ears.

Come on, step over there. Come on, move the fuck over there. Come on. Now, what are you fucking doing? What are you fucking back up? Back the fuck up. Okay, don't let him see it. Don't, don't, let him turn around.

Don't let the fucking guy turn around. What the fuck you do? What the fuck you do? What the fuck, okay? He just kept going on and on. And I was getting really annoyed. And I really regret that I never just turned to the guy and said, dude, shut your fat face. Do you not see there are women here?

Not only are you annoying my ass, okay? You're probably annoying everyone else's ass. You're showboating. If they weren't here, you probably wouldn't be doing all this. And have a little respect, man. It's a hidden camera TV show, okay? Just because you're kind of running the room, running the shots. you the right to uh drop all this profanity in the lap of uh women who are present and i always regret

that i never just turned around to the guy and said would you knock it off can't you see there's ladies here and i learned from that man if it ever happened again i will because i was raised not to do that crap you know um so you know life has its little regrets that was one of I doubt any of them are listening to this. But if you are, I apologize for not intervening and cleaning up the airspace. There, I said it. Now, speaking of airspace, we are out of airspace.

This is the worst part of the podcast where we always come to the end of the show. But some quick announcements, if you want to catch the kid, me, doing my thing, doing some stand-up comedy this weekend, You can catch me March 24th, 25th, and 26th in Salt Lake City, Utah. I will be at a club called Wise Guys. On Thursday night, I will be in the Ogden Room. There is a city or town called Ogden, Odgan, or something like that, Ogden. And then on Friday and Saturday, I will be at the Wise Guys in West Valley Village.

So they got two clubs in the same city, one at each end of the city. Make sure you call and get your tickets reserved. I usually sell out at this place, man. This is one of my hotspots. And all the information is on my website, harlomwilliams.com. Check out my stand-up schedule. Hope to see you out there, man. It is going to be a good, good time player.

And then don't forget to check out the harlandwilliams.com web store for all kinds of books and DVDs and all that fun stuff. And don't forget to drop me a line. You can write me at harlindwilliams.com. I may read your letter on the show. And as you can hear, I love playing your phone call messages if I like them. Yeah, that's right. I get to pick and choose because I'm the host. but if you want to give it a shot,

you might hear yourself here on the Harland Highway 888-500-2090. That's 888-52090. Leave me a message. Let me know what's on your mind. And that's it. That's all the time we have for today. I'm so sorry.

Keep thinking of that term I asked about earlier. The Harland Highwayans or the Double. or whatever. See if you can come up with a term. And until next time, chicken, chow main, baby.