The Harland Highway - PODCAST 247

Episode Date: March 25, 2011

Violence and rage, listeners call in and sing to the Harland Highway, the disaster in Japan, weekend snoozers, and yes, Dr. Ascot. Honey soak my sister teeth!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Now, I don't know where y'all come from, but where I come from, everybody, love a little nice, warm, calm beef. No idea what that meant, but I thought I'd entice you with the, you know, the imagery of warm deli meat to get you and keep you here on the Harland Highway. My podcast, welcome, everybody. I'm Harlan Williams. and yes we are going to be talking at length today a little bit about the tsunami and the aftermath and the things going on currently such a horrible disaster thought I'd touch on that we've got something a little more cheery we've got a bunch of phone calls of people singing to me some of my faithful Harland Highway listeners decided to leave me some wonderful songs on my answering machine

We'll get to those We're going to talk about the weekend Do you hit the weekend hard Or do you sleep through the weekend? What kind of person are you? And speaking of what kind of person are you Do you have violent rage inside you? Wait do you hear this news story?

Some guy went off the hook For the dumbest reason Welcome to America And lastly, yes, it's Friday and I've got to talk to my therapist, Dr. Ascot, right here on the Harland Highway. Welcome to the Harland Highway. Hi, I'm Jackie. Want to play?

Please go away and leave me alone. You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. Man, keep it going. Love the show. You're hilarious. My blanket. My blue blanket.

Give me my blue blanket. Passing your seat, then. You're riding down the Harlan Highway. It's the Harlan Highway. Has you checked the children? It's Friday. You're on the Harlan Highway with me, Harlan Williams. Hope you had a good week.

It's the weekend. Are you all fired off? You feel the energy? It's like, oh, yeah, man. It's the weekend, man. Oh, yeah, Friday night, man. I'm going to get out of control. And then Saturday, man.

going to rage dog we are going to tear the town up dog like me and the boys and we're going to have that Sunday dude we are going to play football man and oh man it's the weekend dog and then cut to you on your couch

starting Friday night hello hey Bill we're over at the bar man I thought you were coming out. I'm going to take a pass, man. I kind of fell asleep on the couch. You son of a bitch. Hey, don't talk to me to clack. And then Saturday.

Beep, beep, beep, beep. Your alarm goes off. It's two in the afternoon. Oh, man, what happened to my day? I was going to tear it up. I was going to play football. I was in it. Oh, well, maybe I'll just lay on the couch. Shh. Okay, it's Saturday night, man. I can go here and meet Jesse. or I can go here and meet Danny or I can go to the club or that movie I was invited to

or that party man, that wild house party up in the hills and the shh Yeah, Bill Yeah We're all at the party, man Where are you? Yeah, man, I'll be right over

Yeah, I'm on my And it goes on and on, right? And at the end of the weekend And you go back to work Monday. Hey, man, how was your weekend? What'd you do? And you're like, oh, man, I did. I was busy.

I couldn't do much. But this weekend, man, all this weekend coming up, I'm going to tear it up. Oh, man. You're riding home with Harland Williams. But I tell you what, that's fun too, isn't it? Just doing nothing. You know, maybe some people should just stay home and sleep. Um, you know, some people just maybe aren't cut out for this world.

Uh, I'm referring to a story that was, uh, on the wire. I'm going to read it to you because it's almost like too unbelievable, but this is what we're dealing with these days. You know, people, people's homes are washed away in Japan. Okay. There's nuclear radiation poisoning human beings. There's people in Darfur that are being mutilated, raped, and maimed. You know, the list just goes on and on of all the atrocities going on in the world. And here's a guy in San Antonio, Texas, and here's the story. Please say a San Antonio Taco Bell customer

and raged at the seven burritos he ordered had gone up in price, fired an air gun at an employee and later fired in an assault rifle at officers before barricading himself into a hotel room. Really? Come on, people. First of all, doesn't Taco Bell have this whole thing, 99-cent burritos or whatever, or 45-cent burritos, or don't they pretty much pay you to take their food off their hands now? isn't that where it's at in the fast food price wars come on in everybody we'll give you

$4.87 to actually take some of our product out of the store oh that's not going to work man I need at least $7 all right come on in you got it um so it looks like the cops had to use tear gas to force the guy out of the hotel room three and a half hour standoff The guy's charged with three counts of attempted capital murder. Okay? The guy, the manager at the Taco Bell, said that the man was angry. The beefy crunch burrito had gone from 99 cents to $1.49 each. Are you kidding me, man?

Are things that bad that you can't scrape? together a dollar 49 you're going to go on a shoot you're going to turn into rambo over the beefy crunch burrito are you kidding there's homeless people eating a tin can under a bridge looking up right now going what what did that retard do there's there's a dog eating dog food out of an old tin plate somewhere suddenly his head pops up He's like, what the retard? I mean, what is wrong with people, man? You know, you could go anywhere in America.

You could go behind an Applebee's. You could go behind a KFC. You could go behind a steakhouse. You could go behind a Ruth Chris. You could go behind a subway. And believe me, I've done it. I've done all of them. You could go and root through their garbage.

and probably still find some of the freshest, most delicious food that's only, you know, an hour old. You know, some guy at the steakhouse ate half a T-bone and half a porterhouse, and they scrape it off and throw it in the garbage. There's half a lobster tail, right? There's some cold chicken out behind McDonald's, some cold... I mean, you could eat really damn well just. out of the garbage in this country let alone the 48 cent beefy crunchy you kidding me i'd like a uh a taco bell beefy crunchy burrito please okay that'll be uh dollar 49 i thought they were

99 cents yeah but now they're a dollar 49 they're they're a whole 49 $0.99 cents more than they used to be. Well, maybe you don't see this handgun of holding in my hand. This is a Magnum 45 caliber, the most powerful handgun in the world. Yeah. Now, you're going to give me the 99-cent, beefy, crunchy burrito. I don't think so. You feel lucky, punk?

Yeah, I work in Taco Bell. I should. In fact, I feel blast. Go ahead. Make my day. You missed me, retard. Are you kidding me? I better not have anyone go awall on me. This podcast is free, okay?

Do I have to start paying you people to listen to this? Or is someone going to go berserk? Keep it in perspective, people. Go get your fast food. And relax. Go ahead. Make my curly fries. Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale, a tale of a dreadful schlock.

No guess, no jokes, no rhyme or realm, no Carly Simon's song. But amazingly, he reels me in when I'm hitting on the bong. Hitting on the bong. So join him here each day, my friend, before he comes apart. Three o'clock is when the Harlan Highway starts. Wow, I must be putting people in a good mood. I mean, people are singing about the Harland Highway. We got any more Harland Highway singers out there?

Keep my birthday, I feel it's the whole in how we're coming to you. Give up my puppy that's speedily do. It's all in how we're going to you. Peace out. Oh, man. I don't know if anything can put me in a better mood than that singing, man. That is fun. Could anything possibly put me in a better mood?

Hey, Harlan, if we went out, we'll go to dinner, then a movie. After that, we'll come back to my place. And my husband will watch us have a threesome with the Jolly King giant, Tockemi Elma, and Malibu Barbie. What do you think of that? Oh, I guess that would put me in a good mood, but I'd probably go straight to hell for doing that. Oh, I wonder what's going on.

It's Sam Kinnison. Listen, I'm calling from hell. I'm going to sing all by myself in hell. All by myself. Don't want to be. All by myself. You understand. I want to be.

Oh, it sucks to be me. Okay. This show has just gone off the wrong track. Sam Kiddison just called me from hell and sang all by myself. I got to go say some prayers, but keep it right here, all you little angels, on the Heavenly Highway. Oh, man. And speaking of going to hell, how about Japan? man those poor people I mean you know I'd probably be a bit insensitive if I didn't talk about the whole

tsunami to tsunami with the silent tea in it or whatever um you know and and it's just awful and stunning to see uh what happened over there and and it just it just reminds us of the force of nature and what it really does with me personally is it reminds us that think about what we are okay this boggles my mind okay have you ever like got a glass of water and held it upside down and the water just falls out

onto the ground that's what it does it's uh it's gravity right so think about our planet. Okay, where this giant blue, massive ball floating in the blackness of space. All right? Think how long it would take for you to drive from New York to Florida. All right? Then think about driving from New York to Africa. And then think about driving from New York to Australia. And then all the way around to China and India. You know, imagine circumnavigating

the globe and how massive this planet is in all directions. You know, north, south, east, west. It's huge. You can't even get your mind around how huge it is. And then here we are floating in space. And the majority of this planet is covered in liquid. It's covered in water. And somehow it's just sitting in space.

And all this water is just sitting on our planet. You know, it's clinging to the planet like Velcro clings to Velcro. I mean, yes, I know it's gravity. It's the forces of gravity that keep everything on the planet. But think about it. Why isn't the water just dripping off and falling out into space? The fact that it stays in place and it has a regular tide and the tide goes in, the tide goes out,

and the currents circulate and the jet stream circulate and, you know, it's just you can go on and on about the ecosystem of the ocean and of the planet. But what I'm saying is it's so massive, and nature and the earth is so unpredictable, and we just kind of take it for granted every day that we wake up and the sun comes up and the tide goes out and everything just works like clockwork. But then you look at one little disruption, okay, one little fissure in the earth, one little, you know, sliding of the platelets under the earth's crust, and look what that little movement did. And I say little because, you know, according to what we know of earthquakes, okay, the history of earthquakes, it was one of the biggest ever recorded, but that's just since we've been recording them. Now, think of the enormity of the planet and all the moving parts, and think about how you see asteroids smash in space, and think about how you see stars explode, and there's supernovas, and think about meteorites impacting moons and other planets.

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So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and a hundred percent free shipping. Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. So, you know, modern civilization has only been around for, you know, thousands of years, you know. And we don't even know what's in store. I mean, think of, think of the planet as like a sleeping elephant and you know sometimes you sleep you have like a little leg twitch right or you maybe your your your eye like flickers a bit or maybe like you have a little one of those little spasms are just like you know or you watch a dog when it's sleeping and it starts twitching a little bit you know that's probably what planet earth is doing right now but don't forget

planet earth is part of the natural world so imagine if plants Earth decides to have a full-on, like, epileptic seizure. Imagine if planet Earth has a heart murmur or a stroke or a heart attack. I mean, we don't even know what's in store for this planet. We don't even know how long our time here is on this planet. Believe me, there's so many working parts at the core of planet Earth is molten rock. It's a burning ember. how stable can that be

and it's been burning for millions of years maybe billions of years right you've got to know that with all engines with all moving parts with our own hearts with our cars with our with our anything anything that has movement

anything that's a moving part even the sun will one day burn out but how far along in the evolution of our planet are we where, you know, the earth starts showing signs of age. Not that, like I said, it's already billions of years old, but when does it reach that tipping point where it gets old and arthritic and creaky?

And the earthquakes start coming more continuously, and they start getting bigger, and the little ticks turn into seizures. And I'm not trying to terrify you. I'm not trying to scare you. I'm just wrapping my head around the scope. of this disaster that to us is so huge and phenomenal, and it is all the poor souls that lost their lives.

It's heart-wrenching. But imagine if something even bigger happened. And you know, nature, it's going to. I hate to see a be a soothsayer of doom here. You know, this is supposed to be a comedy show, but I'm sharing my thoughts on the topic. I'm Sarah, my Christopher Walken doomsday thoughts. I don't know.

It's just hard to get your head around. But imagine a little hiccup that was even 10% bigger or 15% or even 20%. Imagine how much further in that wave could have come. You know, it's amazing to think. And I guess what I'm getting at here is how quickly, in the blink of an eye, everything we know, everything we have, everything we possess can literally just be wiped away. And nature doesn't have a conscience. Nature is not vindictive.

Nature has no agenda. Nature just does what it does. You know, we sit or go, oh, my God, the ocean. What's going on with the world? Why did God do this? You know, you get all these emotional thoughts attached to it. it and there is no emotion in nature. Nature just blows and nature tides and and nature erupts and nature takes and nature gives and

you know it's probably I hate to say it as just a probably a matter of time before you know there could be a wave that sweeps across every piece of land on our planet including Mount Everest. It's totally feasible. And, you know, you enjoy every day. You hate to see people get hit like they did in Japan. They got hit in Taiwan. You know, all these tsunamis, these earthquakes. And it just somehow, to me, it feels like they're becoming more and more, you know, it feels like they're getting closer together to me. I don't know. Maybe I'm wrong. I don't have statistics in front of me, but it seems like, you know, from the time I was a little boy, you know, the first 30 years of my life,

it was like every now and then you heard of something, but it feels like every like two, three years now, something big and crazy happens, like Katrina and the Taiwan tsunami and earthquakes and I don't know. Maybe it's a sign. Maybe the earth is starting to rumble, get creaky and old. But this plays into my first. whole theory that, you know, when people go, why are we wasting money on the space station?

And why do we have a shuttle craft? And why are we trying to get to Mars? Well, you know what, folks, in any scenario in life, you should always have an exit strategy. You should always have a plan B. And for us to just sit here on planet Earth and think that it's going to sit around for the end of eternity is just plain naive and short-sighted stupid you know these these little warning signs should indicate to us that we should be rapidly exploring space we should rapidly be trying to colonize other planets because one day there ain't going to be no coming back what if one day the waves come in so far that they they they uh wipe out our our space facilities our airports our computer centers you know it's one thing

to see a coastal village lose some fish canneries and, uh, you know, a movie theater and some nice housing and, uh, but what happens when, when the nucleus of the intelligence of our society gets wiped out? What happens when the White House starts floating down the river and all the intelligence? What happens when the Pentagon's gone? You know, what happens when, uh, when the brains of the planet get sucked into a whirlpool, right? And so it's incumbent on us to immediately have a safety zone. You know, think about those people when the tsunami was coming in, okay? Thousands of people were running for their lives and got washed away.

Why? Because they were on the low land. Guess who survived? The people that ran up the hill. The people that were up on the side of the mountain, they stood and watched. So here on planet Earth, we don't have any side of the mountain to run do. If this thing gets really big, if planet Earth has a stroke and the waves turn into 400 feet, 1,000 feet high, which have been recorded in Alaska, there was a wave that reached 1,000 feet, they say.

We got no perch to stand on. We got nowhere to run. So you should be fully supporting the concept. And it ain't sci-fi anymore, folks. We can do it. We can do it piece by piece. You've got to start somewhere, but we've got to start putting little bases on the moon,

little bases on Mars, wherever we can do it. Wherever we can harness the sun to pump oxygen into a dome or heat up a planet and create its own ecosystem? I don't know. Hang mirrors in space over Mars and deflect the sun's rays onto the planet, heat up the surface of Mars so that, you know,

plant life can grow, whatever. I don't have the answer. I don't have a space science journal sitting in front of me here. But, you know, we got to have a safety zone, Man, we've got to have a place where we can perpetuate and continue the human race. So maybe next time before you start whining about, why are we spending money on space when there's homeless people? What about never leave a child behind?

Why are we sending probes to Mars when there's a child left behind? Well, guess what? We're all going to get left behind, okay? You know, you keep funding these little projects, and yes, they're important. We have to look out for each other while we're here on planet Earth, but let's not use those as an excuse to stop reaching out and creating a place where we can exit to when the, you know what, hits the fan. I know it's complicated.

I'm not trying to lecture. I'm just expressing ideas and thoughts. I guess it's that horrible, sad tragedy of what happened in Japan that makes me think of that stuff, reminds me that stuff, and I just hate to see, you know, humanity wiped out on an even bigger global level. It's all stuff that you got to get your... It's heady, it's heady, okay? Oh, I'll stop, I'll stop. And speaking of heady,

I guess it's time for my head to get analyzed. It's Friday. It's the second Friday. Every second Friday, thank God. I used to have to go every Friday and see my on-air therapist, Dr. Ascott. Now it's every second Friday. Thank you very much. It's time for me to go see this idiot therapist,

because the powers that be that run the radio show or the podcast or whatever I've got here. I want to make sure I'm not going to screw up and say anything stupid and yada, yada, yada. So here we go. It's time for Dr. Ascott. Hello, Dr. Ascott. Hello, Allend. Did anyone ever tell you how annoying your voice is? Holland.

And when you say my name over and over, how annoying that is, added to your annoying voice? Holland. What are we doing today, Ascot? Arland. I'm asking you, what are we doing today? Holland. Stop saying my name. Allent.

What are we doing? Holland, life is a balancing act. Yeah, okay, what's that mean? We must learn to balance as we go through our daily routine, Arland. When we get out of balance, we become psychologically maladjusted. Okay, I guess that makes sense, yes. We must balance everything, Holland. Okay, you kind of said that already.

Holland, what I have here is a beach ball. Okay, a beach ball, yes. I'm going to blow it up, Holland. Why are you blowing up a beach ball? Quiet and let me blow All right, I didn't like the sound of that Ohland Just blow your beach ball, Ascot

Yeah, well that was fast Yes, Arland, as you know I'm very long-winded Yeah, I'll, I'll, yeah Holland Well, you said it Holland All right, you got a beach ball blown up.

Now what? Holland, as I said, life is a balancing act. We must learn to balance. You've said that. What I want you to do, Holland, is get up on this chair. I'm not getting up on that chair. It has wheels on it. How am I going to balance?

Why would I get up on a chair? Holland, get up on the chair and pretend you're a seal. and I will put the beach ball on the end of your nose. Why, in the name of Ringling Brothers and Barnum Bailey Circus, would I do something so idiotic? Because Seals, Holland, have the ability to balance, and by imitating his seal, Holland, you'll be able to balance. This is the dumbest thing I've ever heard.

Arland is the word pink slip bring a bell All right I'm getting up on the stupid chair When is his pink slip blackmail going to end Arland on the chair No Skippy get on the chair What did you call me?

Skippy Why are you calling me Skippy Skippy the magic seal Oh God You know what I'm going to get on the chair just to get this over with. Are you kidding me? Skippy the Magic Seal.

That's right, Skippy. All right, I'm getting on the chair. Excellent, Arland. Now balance on the back of the chair. Okay, this isn't easy. Whoa, whoa. Well, excellent, Arland. Whoa, whoa, whoa, okay.

I'm teetering. I'm teetering. All right, now I will throw the beach ball onto your face. What? I want you to balance it on your nose, Skippy. What, you get...

Hey, what, wow! Oh, oh, okay. Okay, I got it. I got it. It's right, it's right there. I got it. Excellent, darling. Oh, okay, I think I got this.

I'm balancing. Excellent, Skippy now. Slap your fins together. What are you talking about my fins? Slap your fins together, Skippy. What are you? Come on! Make seal noises, Skippy.

Oh, come up. Pink slip. Excellent, Skippy. Ow! The hell was that! I just threw a sardine at your face, Skippy, to reward you. I'm not a real seal. What are you doing? I'm opening the window, Arland.

What are you doing? What are you doing? Whoa, whoa, whoa, what are you rolling my chair out onto the window ledge for? Are you crazy? Focus on the beach ball, Alland. I want you to balance. I'm on a chair. I'm balancing on the back of a chair.

I've got a beach ball on my nose, and now you have me out on the window ledge. This isn't safe. What is that? What is that? This is my umbrella, Arland. Why do you have your umbrella? What are you doing? Ow!

Ow! What are you doing? Stop hitting me! I'm glubbing the baby seal, Arland. What are you clubbing me? What? Ow! I'm falling off the edge!

Goodbye, Arland. I mean, Skippy. Ow! Ow! Ah! Ah! Oh, brother. What a way to end this show.

Don't you hate it when the show ends with me falling off the side of the building to my death? oh my my oh my oh my oh my well listen everybody that is the end of our show another wonderful therapy session with dr dildescott um don't forget uh you can see me this weekend in salt lake city come on out to wise guys comedy club uh i will be there. Two shows Friday, two shows Saturday to 25th to 26. Go to

Harlow Williams.com for all the information. Make sure you reserve some tickets. This one usually sells out pretty fast and looking forward to seeing you there. If you want to sing to me, if you want to call my answering

machine and sing to me or leave me a message, you know the number. 888, 500 2090 888 52090 um would love to hear from you and uh that's it that's all we got for today i'm going to go get a crunchy bean burrito and uh start living it up big time so until next time everybody this is harla williams on the harland highway thanking you for being here and we'll see you soon chicken chow maine baby Thank you.