The Harland Highway - PODCAST 248

Episode Date: March 28, 2011

Monday blues, phone messages, tuxedos, an annoying guest drops by, shopping at the 99 cent store, paparazzi. Buttered walnuts anyone?? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Holy freak, holy. It's the Harland Highway, Seniors and Senoritas. Hey, it's me, Harland Williams. Welcome to the Harland Highway. I am yours for the next half hour, and you are mine. And we're going to have some fun, baby. We're going to have some fun. We're going to be talking about Mondays, the day of the week, man.

First day of the week. How do your days of the week stack up? We're going to get into that. We're going to talk about 99-cent stores. Do you ever shop there? And what kind of experience is that for you? We're going to be chatting about tuxedos. How often do you rent them?

How often do you get them? Do you own one? And how do they make you feel? We got some of your phone messages coming. We got an annoying character dropping by. I won't say who. And then this is weird. I got paparazzi the other day, okay?

And I thought I'd share that experience with you guys and share a few of my paparazzi stories. That it's quite an interesting experience. And, you know, I wanted to kind of let you know how it feels and what it's like and why some celebs get so annoyed by having their picture taken without. permission. Just the way I'm doing this podcast, without your permission, it's the Harlan Highway! Hi, I'm Jackie. Want to play? Please go away and leave me alone. You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harlan Highway.

Man, keep it going. Love the show. You're hilarious. My blanche! My blue blanket. Give me my blue blanket. Fasten your seat, you're riding down the Harlan Highway. It's the Harland Highway Have you checked the children Hi, this is Roscoe Sing, sing our song

Sing out loud Sing out strong Sing of Harland's Highway Sing all happy And nice End of message Monday Monday oh yeah not how you feel on monday sometimes like oh man i can't get my engine started how am i

going to get on the harland highway this week you just feel like you're made out of cement and you can't move and you can't get motivated and you can't get going well just keep in mind people that i'm going to be here with you all week long helping you guiding you reaching out and holding your and getting you through Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday. Making you laugh, making you think, making you smile, making you daydream, making you happy, mad, angry, sad. I am your emotional dashboard. I am your spiritual leader.

Your dreamweaver. Your Chucky Cheese. Your corn on the cob. your wigwam, your pizza with extra mushrooms, your rosy, O'Donnell. Wait a minute, no, cut, cut. I think I had them up until then. Raj, can we cut that?

No, it's already down. Oh, darn. Well, everything else, I'll be the hot in your chocolate, the whip on your cream, the spray paint under your bridge, the nose hair and your nostril, the wind beneath your undershorts, whatever you need me to be,

I will be it to help you get through the week. So let's kick it. Let's get it going. Let's rev up our engines and pull onto the Harlan Highway. It's true, right? Are you one of those people that let the days of the week affect you? Like, is Monday just the downer of your world? And then it is Wednesday kind of the nightmare of your world.

And then Thursday, there's a little more light at the end of the tunnel. And Friday, you're all geared up. Or does everything just blend into one? I don't know. Some people are like that. Different days of the week hold a different significance for people. And, you know, it's just curious to me that some people live their life that. way they get into a pattern they get into a habit of of placing energy and stigma on a certain

day um i don't know i guess i feel like that on sundays a little bit like even though it's the weekend i feel like sunday always just feels a little off to me and i don't know if it's because the whole stigma of going to church when i was a kid but somehow even though sunday's a holiday and my brain psychologically it always feels kind of like it's kind of like a dead zone day like it's not it's not like crazy nutty like saturdays like anything could happen and sundays are lazy but mondays right there and so it's like okay i guess they should be having a cool kooky time but works tomorrow so i can't be that crazy but saturday meanwhile it's just like yeah saturday all day yeah you know so i don't know it's interesting to see how certain people react to certain days

um but every day's crazy here on on the holland highway and um you know i hope uh that that every day you look forward to being here because i certainly know that i do Hey, Harlan. This is Scott Williamson down in Corpus, Texas. I'm calling to let you know that I am pissed, that she didn't remember my name. To give me credit, I'm the senior Flint and shit when he was getting your rocks off. But seriously, I'm thrilled that she used my idea, and you used the previous idea of mine when you ranted on one-plied toilet paper, so if you play this message, I'll have a hat trick.

I love traveling with you on the highway. You always make me laugh. I love all those crazy characters you do. And I really like the animal quiz you do with your guest, because us true fans know how smart you really are. Here's a simple quiz for you. If a little girl was named Huckleberry, this would be her favorite animal,

and she'd want to play with it all the time. So that's an easy one to figure out. Thank you again for all the last. I'd love to meet you in person. Bye. Oh, my goodness. Scott Williamson. Oh, I feel so bad.

And yes, let's set the record straight. Look, I ask you people to write in, to call in. Scott gave me a suggestion that Senor Fuentes do a skid about getting his rocks off, which I did. And I couldn't remember Scott's name. When I did the bit, I did give him credit for sending in the letter, but I couldn't find the letter. So I said, one of my listeners sent in this suggestion for Senor Fuentes getting his rocks off. Scott heard it. Scott nailed me on it.

And believe me, I'm all about giving credit where credits do. Scott Williamson, thank you for your suggestion. Keep them coming. Great stuff. And you can leave your suggestions or ideas 888, 500, 2090. or you can write me at harlandwilliams.com. And who knows, maybe you'll be able to bust me right here on the Harland Highway. Rolling, rolling.

Hey, it's Harlan Williams, and you're rolling down the Harland Highway. We're in your Sunday best. Yeah, your Sunday best. You ever have to throw on a tuxedo for a prom or a wedding or even a funeral? But how many you were like me when you throw the tucks on? It actually kind of makes you feel different, you know? Because how often do you wear one? Hardly ever.

You wear one like maybe 20 times in your life, unless you're James Bond, you know. And I am. Who's your bitch now, dog? But you know when you put that tux on and first you slide the pants on? And they're like, ooh, those feel kind of silky and nice. I got a little wiggle room in there, and then you put your nice shirt on, and it's all ironed out and wrinkle-free and smells clean. And then you put that thing on, the little cabana or whatever it's called.

I don't know what it's called. The mandarin orange or something. It's that little thing that's supposed to tuck your tummy in, man. It's that little flap. It's like a giant sleeping mask. And then your tummy feels all tight, and, you know, and then you put that jacket on. man and somehow it just fits so good and it kind of just hugs your body and then you do it up

and you got the whole look going right you're like man i am styling you slowly look at yourself from your shoes right up you got those beautiful waistline you get that you get the belly all flat you get that cool black jacket and then you get right up to the bow tie and the little collar and little frills on the chest and then you get right up to your face and there's your mullet or your zits or your

1973 haircut that messes up the old tucks but you don't care because you look good no matter what you feel good don't you wear on that tux you are James Bond you're James Bond with a mullet baby

and you're dressed for action. You're dressed for cruising straight down the Harland Highway. Speaking of highways, let me tell you something a little weird that happened to me the other day. And, you know, hey everybody, who wants to have better sex? No, yes, yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse.

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This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and a 100% free shipping. Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. I was walking down Sunset Boulevard, okay? I had to get like some passport pictures done, and I was walking into this place. And I'm just on the sidewalk. I'm in my t-shirt, my baseball cap, and, you know, I'm looking a little scruffy. And all of a sudden, I kind of kind of look up and there's a paparazzi guy, you know, right at the side of the curb and he's kind of jumped out from between a couple of cars and he's just snapping away. He's just like, and I look up and I'm, you know, right away, I get what he's doing, who he is.

And I'm just kind of, I get this kind of amused look on my face. I'm kind of half smiling. and the guy like snaps off, you know, with one of these fancy long-lensed cameras, he snaps off about like 14 shots. And then almost like as if he was a guy on safari and had just seen like a warthog or a cheetah. And he was just like, right? Like no acknowledgement to me, no nod of the head. didn't even look in my eyes, didn't even, like, say, hey, Harlan, just, you know, he clearly

knew who I was. Just kind of, the second he stopped taking pictures, just turn around, walk to his car, jumped in his car, and drove away. And I'm just sitting there, A, I'm amused that someone's that interested in me, that they have to take random pictures of me, but I'm also amused that there was literally no contact at all, any acknowledgement or any semblance of a connection from me to him, you know, kind of linking us as human beings, as a living entity, a person with feelings and a personality. And I tell you, man, nothing makes you feel more like just a piece of meat, you know?

You're just kind of walking and there's this person and they kind of. It's like that old Indian saying where the camera lens steals your soul. Well, it sort of feels like when these paparazzi guys, and look, I know most of you haven't had that experience. You know, the paparazzi thing. And maybe in a little way it's flattering because you're like, oh, well, I'm so important. Someone's taking pictures of me. But on the other side, you just feel like a cold plate of cold cuts. You feel like a sliced bologna sitting on a silver platter.

It's just a bizarre experience. But what really struck me was just the coldness and the vacant, blank, unfeeling look in the paparazzi's face and his eyes and his body language. You know, it was all just about taking. You know, it's just like, there's a guy. he's got a persona he's got a personality he's got a name he's got a likeness i don't care i'm pulling over to the side of the curb i'm just going to take pictures i don't give off flying what he thinks and off i go in fact i'm not even going to look at him i'm not even going to acknowledge him i'll take what i need what i want from him and go

that's it it's pretty cold man And this is just one guy, you know, this happens to me a few times a year, okay? Let's face it, I'm not like A-list Brad Pitt material, but obviously I am known. And so it happens to me. You know, a little while back I was putting money in a parking meter and like four of them popped up and took like a million pictures of me putting coins in a parking meter. And I'm just, I guess what I'm saying is. It was a weird kind of cold, humiliating experience to a degree. And I guess where I'm going with this is I can only imagine what these huge A-list people are going through.

I'll never forget one New Year's Eve a few years back. I rented a cabin or like a little cottage. It wasn't that little actually. He was kind of like a house. Myself and Jason Bateman and Jennifer Aniston and one of Rod Stewart's wives. I don't know how she got in the mix, but she was there. And we all rented this house in Aspen,

and we all flew there, and we spent New Year's Eve there together in the hot tub and skiing and goofing around. And I'll never forget one day me and Jennifer Aniston walked into town. And there were these people there it was snowing and we were out on the sidewalk and you know Jennifer had her arm and my arm

we were just kind of walking together as friends and these people start filming us but not so much me but her because she's this huge friend star right and she's gorgeous and all that and so it was just me and her doing some window shopping and I'll never forget Jennifer being the sweet girl that she is

she sees these people videotaping her and they're holding the camera up to their faces, and they weren't paparazzi, they were just general public. And very sincerely, very heartfelt, she just said to them, she goes, would you guys mind not filming me? I'm just out, you know, shopping. I really don't want to be filmed right now. And the cameras never left the position they were in.

The people that were filming just, it was as if she said nothing. It's as if no words came out. of her mouth. They just, the camera's up in front of their eyes so you couldn't really see their faces and we started walking a bit and they were like walking backwards filming us and then, hey guys, honestly, I just want to, I'm just trying to get away from all this. I'm just shopping. Nothing. None of them said, oh, we're sorry. Okay. None of them acknowledged what she said. It was just, I tell you what, it was almost like robots, like droids. We're just like floating there, filming her.

It's like when you see someone in an elevator and they look up to the camera in the elevator. You know, that point of view, Sean's like, hey, I'm stuck in the elevator. Can someone help me? And there's like no answer. That's what it was like. And I'm telling you that story because it's kind of what it feels like. People that haven't had it done to them have no idea what a cold, empty.

heartless experience it can be. And so you can only imagine if you're uber famous or you're super famous or, you know, really famous, how it could just drive you nuts. And when you hear about celebrities going off, flying off the handle and spitting and punching and flipping people off, it really is an invasion of not just your privacy, but it seeps right into the under your skin because it's just someone taking from you and uh there you go i just thought i'd relay that experience uh to you i'm not whining i'm not complaining i'm just trying to convey uh what that what what that feels like you know which there was something i could relate it to

but it's just one of those things that you you have to uh experience it to uh understand it so there you go. A little behind-the-scenes Hollywood holly weird wackiness but enough of me let's get to another caller

shall we? Hey Harlan Terry, happy St. Patrick's Day. Hey, I hope you don't have that leprechawn on again. Flurgy, glergy, flurgy, flurgy, slurgy, flergy. All right. Have a good day, man. Bye-bye.

Well, that's one thing you do not have to worry about. That freaky leprechaun only comes on St. Patrick's Dan. What the hell is that? What is that music? Hi, it's me. Crenky McRingles, the Irish leprechaun. The hell are you doing here? I heard that. I heard you mention my name. And that's me. Crinky McRingles, Slarkty, darky, Flirkty, slurkey, shiver me, timbers, clarkty! Oh, no, you don't. Get out of here. I was just starting to tell everyone that you only come on St. Patrick's Day, so get...

No, you're wrong. If you mention my name and it's not St. Patty's Day, I show up every time I hear my name. Crinky McRingles, cringle, wringle, wringle, wringle, wringle, wrangle, wrangle, wrangle, wrangle, Stop it. I brought me special Irish spoons to play for you. You did what? Me Irish spoons. I'm going to play me spoons for you, crinkly dinkly, crinkly dangle dingle, crangly dangly.

Would you stop doing that crazy leprechaun talk? Have a listen to me, magic Irish spoon. Ow! Stop it. Knock it off. That's noisy. Stop. Stop it off.

Some of my timber, sklarkty, darky, flirty, darky. Let me play them closer to your face, sklarkty, darky. Ow! Get them away from my face. Ow, my eyes. Ow! Sclarkty, darky, darky, darky. Get out of here.

Let me play the spoons right by your ears then. My Irish slucky spoons that I just slurped some soup with earlier today. Sklarkty, darkly, flirty. Get out Get out of here Shurvy Timbers Scootty doork Get out

Skoky doorky Get out Up yours Me shivered timbers Up yours Crankly Gagley Get out

I pulled off The Harland Highway The other day It went into the 99 cent store Now you're asking Why does a big Money-making machine

Like me Go into the 99 Cent store Well here's why I go in there people okay they got a lot of stuff in the 99 cent store and what I really love is they got a big sign up in the 99 cent store

it says you break it you buy it and I'm looking around going there are a lot of plates in here and there's a lot of weird little ceramic figurines and there's teacups and vases and food and toys

and I'm like man are you are you kidding me? You mean for $40? I can just start smashing crap all over the floor. Hey, here you go, parrot. Wham! Hey, hey, look, a G.I. Joe. Crunch. Boy, these plates sure are nice. I think I'll just ram this shopping cart right into a shelf. Crunch. And like $40, 50 later, man, you feel good. You let out a lot of aggression. I go get all my aggression out at the 99 cent store cost me 40 bucks 40 bucks a week psychiatrists are charging 40 bucks an hour more a hundred bucks an hour oh do i feel good oh look at this i brought something home here's a teacup anybody for a spot of tea ha 99 cents oh yeah keep getting your thrills cheap right here on the harland

Although I got to say, man, the 99-cent store, when you're just getting gone when you move to a new town or a new city, or you're a student, or you're kind of just starting a new job and you don't have any bucks, I got to say the 99-cent store is a great place to pick up kind of the goofy throwaway stuff, right? like the hand soap, the bars of soap, the air freshener, the paper towels, the garbage bags, the spatula, you know, the wrapping paper for presents, the, you know, just kind of the stuff that doesn't really matter, but you go to the grocery store, the regular grocery store, and it's like, wait a minute, $5.99 for a bag of garbage bags? I'm just going to throw them out And this soap This bar of soap It's just going to dissolve Why am I paying $6 for six bars of soap

In a box Right So one thing the 99 cents store Really is good for is all that kind of throwaway stuff And you know I guess it's good any time If you think of it

Right It's always good to save money. I guess just going into the 99-cent store, how does it make you feel? Right? Let's say you're a guy or a girl who's got a good job. You're at IBM or you work for Google or maybe you're on Wall Street. Maybe you're the manager of a Walmart. You're pulling in, let's say over 40K a year, 60K a year, 100K a year.

Don't you just feel a little gifference? going into the old 99-cent store? Do you kind of hang your head low and kind of push the purple shopping cart around? I don't know. They say there's no more class system anymore, but, you know, doesn't it just feel kind of weird? Or you like, screw that?

I'm all about saving money. I'm all about economizing. Let's do this. I don't care who sees me in the 99-cent store picking up the Puerto Rican bowl can of soup. and the Chinese-made plates and the Venezuelan wall-hanging and the Spanish slippers and the North Korean drinking glasses? I don't care.

How about a six-pack of Mexican licorice root cola? How about that? How about some Russian fruit loops, Wurikshloups, made out of styrofoam and peanut shells? Right? That's the one thing you don't get at the 99-cent store is the food, man. I'll never forget I had a buddy who used to swear by it. I had this buddy who was kind of down on his luck,

and I let him live at my place for almost a year, this good buddy of mine and he lived at my place, Renfrey, I was helping him out and he was looking for work and getting work here and there but just really wasn't on his feet so he lived with me, I gave him the extra room

and great guy, but he would always pick up stuff at the 99-cent store and I was like, dude, you can't eat breakfast cereal from the 99-cent store, man. You're just asking for trouble, dude. And he was like, way it's delicious and I go what's it even called he goes it doesn't matter it tastes just like apple jacks and then I'll never forget man one day he's sitting at the dining room table and I'm

walking by and he's got a big bowl of his you know Puerto Rican fruit loops and he's eating them and they're floating in the milk and all sudden he's I'm just talking to him and he's like hey wait a minute wait what what the hell and all of a sudden we looked in the milk and there were just all these ants and some kind of bugs or ants or something just floating in the milk and he'd been eating them and he's like oh my god i'm eating ants and that was the last time he ever bought food at the 99-sid store it was hilarious but uh so just be careful sometimes you get what you pay for but when it comes to like

garbage bags and soap and laundry detergent and dishwasher soap and all that crap. Go get it. 99 cents. I'm just flushing it down the drain or throwing it in the garbage can. Take it. Take it, take it, take it. And speaking of ants, man, I'm going to end on this. But, you know, you look at a little ant.

You know those little brown ones that get in your house, the ones that crawl up on your counter and into your cereal. boxes and if you leave a little dollop of butter or jam on the counter they all gather around it and you think those things can't have brains but yet the other day i had i was eating out my living room on the coffee table and i guess like some syrup had dripped onto the table or something and i came back the next morning and all of a sudden there's like 30 or 40 ants like gathered around and I started wondering, do ants think? Do ants know that they're a pest?

Do they know that they're being bad? And sure enough, as soon as I got close to them, and there was a little bit of movement on the table, they just scattered. All these little brown ants, they just ran off in all directions. You know how when you were a kid, and maybe there was like a gang of you on your street and some idiot from the gang through an apple at a car or something,

and the car screeched to a stop and every kid just ran in every direction jumping over fences and hiding behind bushes. Well, have you ever noticed that's what those little ants do? The minute you kind of let them know you're there, they just don't keep eating. They just don't sit there and,

this jam is delicious. Oh, come on over here, try this honey. How about this butter over here? The second they sent you, they just scatter. They start running over. all around they're taking off they're running for cover you're like those little weasels know that they're being bad they know that they're not supposed to be here they're not know that they're not supposed to be eating stuff in my house and it makes me laugh to see them all take off because

I'm like those little tiny guys probably have a brain the size of a grain of a grain of sand and yet somehow they know that they're busted, but they're in trouble, and they take off running. I don't know, just a little funny observation to end the show. And unfortunately, now I must take off running. But thank you. Thank you for being here. Thank you for your calls, your letters, harlandwilms.com,

or you can call and leave me a funny or serious message. Whatever you want. It's your forum, 888, 52090. That's 888, 52090. Maybe you'll hear yourself on the Harlan Highway. So don't forget, I think in about a week or two, I will be performing at the Blackfoot Inn in Calgary, Alberta, Canada. Great club, great fans up in Calgary.

make sure you go to harlowe williams.com click on my stand-up schedule and you can get all the info get your tickets early it probably will sell out up there so that's calgary alberta canada in about a week or two i will be up there doing my stand-up and uh that's it we are out of time people i better get to the 99-cent store and see if they're selling time for just under a buck and speaking of time. Until next time, chicken, chow, maine, baby.