The Harland Highway - PODCAST 249

Episode Date: March 30, 2011

Spilling stuff, furs and guns, phone sex, frozen yogurt, and celebrity races. Merciful mongo meats!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Stip right up, peanuts, popcorn, podcast for all ages. Step right up, yeah, step right up to the Harland Highway. Hello, everybody, it's me, Harland. This is the Highway, and you are on it with me. Great to have you here. What a day. We're going to be talking about frozen yogurt. Have you been to one of those frozen yogurt places where they make you do all the work yourself?

We're going to get into that. We're going to talk about spilling and the trauma of spilling things. Phone sex? Did I get your attention with that one? We're going to be talking about phone sex people. But not the way you're thinking. It is a form of phone sex, but somehow the phone actually gets involved. A little scary.

Going to be talking about furs and guise. Guns. We're going to be talking about hunting and the wearing of fur and stuff like that. I'm not cool with all that stuff, so I'm going to touch on it, find out what you think. And then, oh, my God, so exciting. What a day. We are going out to the Celebrity Racetrack, the Harland Highway Celebrity Racetrack for some celebrity racing. It's going to be hot. It's going to be good. But isn't that the way it always is right here on the ever sweaty Harland?

Highway Welcome to the Harland Highway Hi, I'm Chuckie want to play Please go away And leave me alone You just made a wrong turn

On to the Harland Highway Man, keep it going Love the show You're hilarious My Blanket My Blue Blanket You're riding down The Harlan Highway

It's the Harland Highway Have you checked the children Hey, this is Harlan Williams Here on the Harlan Highway What are you wearing, big boy? Yeah, you know what I'm talking How many of you dudes out there have had phone sex? Are you women?

How many of you have had phone sex? Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, and I don't mean calling a phone sex line uh-uh, that would probably be pleasurable compared to what I'm about to talk about. How many of you have been in the middle of some kind of whatever it is you do, and you're in the moment, and it is intense, and you are just in heaven, and maybe you're just about to, you know what, and all of a sudden, the phone rings. And you're like, okay, okay, I can handle this.

It's stopped. And then you're, okay, keep going, baby, keep. And then it rings again. They're like, okay, okay, just keep going, keep going. I can do this. And it rings again, and again, and again. It's like a nagging voice from the other room. Hey, what are you doing out there?

Dill-Li-Ling. Hey, what's going on? Dill-Li-Ling. Hey, what are you doing? Ditt-Li-Ling. Hey, why are you on your knees? Dill-Li-Li-Li-Ling. What position is that?

And you just, guys, you know you've had the old flagpole kind of shrivel up when that phone rings. And if you haven't, you know it does if you've got an answering machine. And just when you think the phone stopped ringing, it's like, Hi, this is your mother calling. Where are you? I know you're home. You told me you're going to be home all day. pick up, pick up, pick up. And you're just like, oh, God.

Damn Panasonic telephone with answering machine and digital voice recorder and memory and redial. And instead of being your partner, you just want to your phone for ruining the moment. Oh, wait a minute. Well, there goes my phone. I better go answer it. Sorry, folks.

If you are not happy with this message, hang up and try again. I keep telling you people, I don't want no dang refrigerator, okay? I have a nice GE monogram. It keeps my food cold, and the cold stuff is good. I don't need no new refrigerator, so please stop calling me. Oh, gosh, we get some strange calls here at the Harland Highway, but I love it. Oh, 888, 52090, if you're having refrigerator problems, please let us know. And speaking of refrigeration, how many of you have stopped by this kind of

of growing trend of frozen yogurt places. How much frozen yogurt do we eat here in North America? I mean, it seems everywhere you look now, there's like a pinkberry or yogurt land or frozy yogi or yoghledi or jogaldi, frogledy, gogledy, yogoldy, you know? It's like, good Lord. And now they're, you know, they got these places where screw you we're not we're not even pumping it for you here's a dish go pump your own right you've been to

those places where you grab the lever and all this stuff comes out all the yogurt comes into your dish and then you put it on a scale and they weigh it and they charge you by the amount of food you eat shouldn't they be doing that in every restaurant it might cut back on the obesity problem here in america when people go out for a meal They're charged by what they eat. You know that would cut back on the calorie intake. Because some people just eat and eat and eat. They'll take everything off their giant plate.

You ever go to the cheesecake factory? And we've got portions that could feed a small Korean army. But anyways, back to the yogurt thing. Once you get your yogurt, then what they do is they present you like this buffet of top. of crazy, ridiculous things. Like, when I first went to one of these yogurt places a few years ago, it was like you had, like, chocolate chips and raspberries and blueberries

and Hawaiian sprinkles, right? And that was kind of it. And I went into one recently, man, and they had, like, Captain Crunch and syrup and thumbtacks, and, you know, our men. Armenian sandals and sawdust and greckleberries. And could I have some, let's see, I want some yogurt chips and put some count chocula on there? Oh, I got to have the paper clips, the colored ones, not the copper color ones. And, oh, could you squirt some photocopy or ink on that?

And gosh, what else? You know what? I'm looking up at your ceiling here. Those light bulbs look delicious. Could you just stick those light bulbs on my frozen mango chutney, squid-flavored seaweed, Volvo, Kawasaki motorcycle-flavored yogurt? Right, right? It's just like, it's getting pathetic, man. You can put anything on that damn yogurt.

And it's like they have anything. You're like, yeah, I love the strawberries, the blueberries. And, oh, my God, is that my sister standing back there? Yeah, put my sister on my yogurt. She looks delicious. She's a bit overweight, but she just, yeah, put her on. Is that my dog? Oh, my God, put my dog on that yogurt.

Oh, please put my dog on the yogurt. And put some Hawaiian sprinkles on his face. It's just like yogurt. Overload, man. So I don't know. I don't know if you do it or not, if you do the yogurt thing, but it's getting hard. It's getting confusing.

It's like when you go to Home Depot, and there's so many aisles of stuff. You just get overwhelmed. Do you ever do that? You go into Home Depot. I'm like, okay, I need a padlock, a strip of wood, and a couple of sprinklers. And you go in, and it's like,

like everything ever made. It's like Noah's Ark except no animals. Like they say, okay, Noah already did the animals, but we need two of everything else ever made on the planet. And you just go through aisle after aisle, and you just get so overwhelmed and you're like, oh my God, there's some paint. Maybe I should paint.

Oh, my God, there's some tile. Maybe I should tile. Oh, my God, there's some carpet. Maybe I should carpet. Oh, my God. Look at the lights. Oh, my God. I just want to go home.

And you run out of Home Depot with nothing because you're so overwhelmed? Oh. All right. Now I'm stressing. I'm going to head over to the yogurt stand, get some chocolate, blueberry, cinnamon twirl with some codeine, some Prozac, and some NyQuil all over it. So I can finally just lower my blood pressure. Relax. You ever spill anything?

You know what I'm talking about? You're like out with a date, or you're at the kitchen table, and you knock over a glass of milk. Or you're in the garage, and you knock over a can of paint. And it doesn't seem to matter how old you get. You always get that same gut feeling.

You're just like, it's like the end of the world just started like literally the world is slowly falling apart you get that weird feeling down in your gut that that feeling that you can only get when you spill something it's a mixture of shock and trauma and horror and humiliation and embarrassment it's one of the few activities in life that that creates all these emotions and creates a decoupage of instant emotion and you've got regret

and you just want to make everything all better again and you know people are irritated but everyone knows it's an accident so everyone's initial reaction in their head is like oh you idiot you dumbass watch what you're doing But then you know they couldn't help it So then you instantaneously also have Oh, don't worry about it

It's okay It was an accident Spilling something is one of those weird Weird things that happens That you don't know how to think You don't know what to do Everything, there's so much going on at once Whether you're the spiller

Or you witness the spill It's almost like a bomb goes off When that milk gets the table, when that paint hits the garage floor, everyone gets frazzled. Ah, what do we do? Ah! And the only thing to do is grab the paper towels, man, because that's the only thing that's going to suck it all up

and make everything right again. Okay, are we cool? Everything's absorbed. We're cool. We're cool. Okay. Pass the milk, please. No way, man.

You're cut off, Butterfingers. Highland William. And the worst is when you're out on a date or something, right? Or you're at a gathering or you're at a dinner, maybe there's a group of you, or maybe you're just having an intimate dinner one-on-one. And it's all going so well, and the chemistry's there, and you're making people laugh, and you're kind of like basking in the glow of your own essence, right? Because everything's just firing, and you're a little tipsy from the...

the wine and it's kind of made you a little bit funnier than you normally are and you're a little bit quicker a little wittier a little less apprehensive and you're loose and people at the table are wow what's what's going on with him wow is he what's going on he's really he looks kind of good and he's so funny tonight and and then all sudden you spill the wine or you knock a bottle of beer over and you're just like oh maybe not yeah he's still a jerk yeah he's what a dildo yeah i guess momentary lapse of uh yeah it just like ruins everything and you it's so hard to recover you just you're embarrassed you're floundering you try to pick up the thing that's spilled you there's liquid everywhere and you're like oh i can get that i can if i could just scoop it back in and there's beer foam and it smells

people always jump back, like a little firecracker went off. You know, people always kind of lurch back from the table, right? Or they do a little double take, ooh, like their hands go up. And suddenly no matter what's going on, it becomes the primary focus. Like there could be a tiger in the corner juggling baby whales. And everything just stops and goes to the spill moment. Oh, God. It's such a weird little thing, but the ramifications, the psychological trauma is brutal.

It's endless. I say we just get out of here and spill over to another phone call. Hi. I don't know if I have the right number or not. I'm looking for the Harlan Highway Regina show. This is it. I got Verizon. works pretty good. Keep up the good work. Hey everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes. Yes. The

answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus, 100% free shipping on. your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy, all will be packaged and sent discreetly for free and fast. Don't wait. Better Sex is just a click away. That's 50% off, one item, and free shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire.

Just enter the offer code Harland to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Later. I hope you're not keeping warm wearing fur.

If there's one thing Pamela Lee's got right is she's an advocate against the fur trade. I mean, in this day and age of Kmart's and targets and Walmarts, is there really any need to skin a wolf to rip the ass off a raccoon, to beat a bunch of rabbits in the head, like 50 rabbits to make a rabbit coat? I mean, animals don't do that to us. Yeah, every few years, every couple of times a year, someone gets mauled by a grizzly, right, or a bobcat jumps on somebody's face.

Okay, maybe they'll eat you, maybe they'll drag you around, maybe they'll pull you up a tree and eat part of you. Rarely, rarely do you see a wild animal rip the skin off a human and wear it around. You don't see mountain lions trucking through the forest. Meow, look at me. I look like an oil rig worker. Meow, look at this new human skin coat.

100% lumberjack. Meow! Or a grizzly bear? Yeah, how do you like my new backpacker coat, man? I had to wipe out a whole family just to make it all work. But look at me, man. You get the point, right? poor little critters

people whacking seals in the head and hanging elks over their fireplace and come on man I don't even know what the statistics are on how many species go extinct today but don't you get the feeling that you know

little by little as we wipe out all these animals the only conclusion is that we're going to be next oh we're the smartest We're the smartest of all the animals, so we'll kill all the other animals, and then the ecosystem won't work anymore, and we'll ultimately kill ourselves. You were born with the skin, people.

Wear that. Leave the little critters alone. If you want to hang anything over your fireplace, hang me so I can keep an eye on you. And I got to say, kind of in the same vein, I went into my first gun shop. uh not too recently okay i was in uh salt lake city utah i was working and i was wandering around and i realized i had left my belt at home you know so my pants were starting to hang down and starting to look like a gang member right um and i thought god i need a belt and i was kind of in this area of the city where there weren't many stores and so i started roaming the streets i'm like

Well, I got to see something. There's got to be like a jean shop or a mall or something. Nothing. So I'm walking along and I look across the road and here's this place. It's like an outdoor shop. You know, it's like a gun shop, a gun store. But it says, you know, camping supplies, guns, clothing. And that's all I needed to see clothing, right?

I thought, well, they probably got belts. So I go over and I walk in and the clothing. section was about like two feet by three feet they had like some hunting vests and stuff and lo and behold they did have some belts i actually bought myself a belt but the rest of the store was dedicated to guns i mean i've never seen so many guns it's it's like i had just broken into one of saddam hussein's secret bunkers or something right i mean there were cases of guns and there were walls of guns and there were rifles and racks and it was it's like that scene in the matrix when canoe Reeves is like well I'm going to need some weapons and he presses a button and just these

shelves and shelves and shelves of rifles and weapons start floating past them that's what I felt like man I was like oh wow oh oh look at the guns oh oh oh I was just, it was like an orgy of guns in there. And so I start, yeah, I'm like, you know what? I've never been on a joint like this. I'm going to look around. I'm going to take it in. I'm going to breathe in the ammunition and the firearms.

So I start looking around. I'm getting a little fascinated. You know, some of them look like traditional rifles, you know, hunting rifles, shotguns, things I've seen in my life. And then there was this other rack that was just full of what looked like stuff right out of the Terminator. And I said to the lady, I said, said are these machine guns she goes no they're not machine guns i said i didn't think so because they're not i don't think machine guns are legal but god these things looked they were tricked out

and they looked like machine guns okay and so i'm walking around this store and you got kind of the typical guy behind the counter you know kind of looks like a hunter has the tattoos the sweater the gray mustache and you know there's sometimes there's just guys that fit with certain lines of work. And I got to say, every guy behind the counter there just seemed to look like he belonged in a gun shop. You know what I mean? Just like if you ever go into a motorcycle store or a Harley shop,

all the guys working there just seemed to fit the mold, right? So I'm walking around, and then I start, like, eyeing up the other people in there. I'm like, wait a minute, man. I'm surrounded by boxes of guns and ambit. This is like a house of slaughter if just one nut job walks in. So I'm looking for the exits, and I'm looking for the, you know, what counter would I dive behind if one of these nut jobs goes off? And I'm checking out the body language of the people around me.

I'm looking in their eyes to see if they got that glazed overlook or they got a tick or anything. I'm getting like really paranoid in this house of death. and you know this guy there was one guy was like trying to sell a handgun to the guy behind the counter and i don't know i just started all these things started fill them in my head you know like the nut jobs that you know do drive-bys and the kids that columbine and the the guys that uh you know get on the top of roofs and start sniping and all these morbid thoughts started filling my head about what what do people use these for man and then I get up to the counter with my belt, and two things happen, okay? I'm waiting in line.

There's one guy in front of me, and he's like a young guy. Looks like he's about 26, maybe 24. Young guy, handsome kid, probably like six foot tall, you know, got the scruff going, well-dressed. Looked like he was right out of college, maybe just left high school. And he's standing in front of me, and he's buying. like boxes of bullets like big fat bullets you know not like not 22 calibers but the big like i'm either going to shoot a moose or a school bus bullets right and on his back he's got like a green backpack or whatever they are and he's just like buying these bullets as if he was buying

candy bars at a smoke shop right and i'm just like wait a minute man What is with this guy? What is he up to? You know, it's 3 o'clock in the afternoon. I'm in here on a flute because I needed a belt and I found one. What's the college kid with the green knapsack doing in here? Fill in his knapsack full of bullets. And there was some eerily casual about it.

And the guy was kind of quiet and didn't really say much. And he had a vibe about him. And it's like, it's like, relax, Williams. okay people buy bullets they have guns but you know with all the crazy mishaps in this country and the gun violence i i couldn't help but be suspicious of this guy all i could think about is what what facility is that guy going to burst into with a long black coat and spray you know who who's going to die at the hands of this scholar um so hopefully all those bad thoughts are just simply my imagination.

But I got to say, as a guy who doesn't frequent gun shops, it was a little intimidating, it was a little scary. It kind of makes your mind wander. So that's the first part. The second part is I'm in there, and as I walked up to the cash counter, there is a giant severed elk's head. And if you don't know what an elk is,

it's the second largest member of the deer family just below the moose. enormous animals the males the bucks have giant racks of antlers and unlike moose an elk's rack of antlers is very pointy and sharp they look like daggers on there and they're massive they stand like four five six feet tall sometimes these racks and so normally uh you know the severed head of a taxidermine animal just kind of shoot straight out, you know, profile or straight on. Well, this one they had it, so the neck was coming out of the wall, but the head was turned looking at me as I walked up to the cash register.

And I'm like, hello, Mr. Dead Elk. How are you? You've got that nice, fresh look in your fake eyes. And I thought it was kind of sad. Look, I'll get it out in the open. I'm not into hunting. I don't like it. I don't like the people hunt.

I just don't see it as a sport. I'm probably losing about 25, 30 million listeners right now. But look, just because I don't like hunting doesn't mean you don't have to like this show. There's a lot of things I don't like. There's a lot of things I like. On the other hand, I love fishing. How do I justify the two? Well, I look at it like this.

fishing a fish you know spawns and lays out like 70,000 eggs and there's trillions of fish and a moose or a bear you know may have one or two cubs in a season and the odds of both of them surviving just in the wild period are are very low and you know they don't have a calf or a cub every season so I I don't know. I just don't like seeing big, healthy, strong animals popped in the head with a high-powered rifle, whereas a fish, if you're like me, you catch it, you have a great little fight, you have this interaction, then you let it go.

You put it right back into the water, and everyone walks away happy, except for the fish who maybe has a sore mouth. So that being said, I don't like hunting. On the other wall, there was a giant moose head, which the moose is the biggest of the deer family. These things are massive. They're giant. They have a huge rack of antler.

These things span like six feet across, eight feet across. They're massive. And here's this noble bull moose hanging on the wall. It's beautiful fur. It's giant eyes. It has the little furry tuft that hangs under its throat. Just a majestic animal, right? and someone in the hunting shop thought it would be a kicker

to put like a checkered red and black hunting cap right between the moose's antlers and the center of its head. So here's this once wild majestic animal that was roaming the forest eating marsh weeds and twigs. Some guy dressed up as a salad bar you know, covered in camouflage, shoots the thing, and now here it is hanging in a half-assed gun shop in Salt Lake City with a goofy hat on its head.

You know, in my book, I just would have rather seen that thing roaming around and living its life. I don't really need to see it denigrated and disgraced hanging on a wall dead, and then the final insult, you goof them up with a stupid hat, man. Where's the dignity? Um, so there you go. That's my little gun shop story. I thought I'd relate to you. Um, maybe you have a gun story you want to tell. I don't know. You can always call 888, 500, 2090. Are you a hunter? Do you disagree with my views on hunting? I'm sure some of you do. Um, you can call and try and justify it. Or you can just be mad about it. Or maybe you can, uh, who knows? maybe uh find some uh logic in my words and go damn it you know that kid's right i'm hanging up my rifle i'm not hunting anymore yeah right um but either way you know i always like to hear

your thoughts 888 500 2090 Parsley here at the Holland Highway's celebrity race track and we have a wonderful race plan for you here today Kruna singer Michael Boubley in Gate 1 actor bad boy Charlie Sheen in Gate 2

Snooky from Jersey Shore and Gate 3 and Justin Bieber in Gate 4 they get into position they jostle about locking them into the gates they settle in and there's the bell there's the bell and they're off they're off the celebrities are running down

the track. They are racing down the track. Michael Boubley out in the lead with his long French Canadian legs. He pulls out a pen and a pad as he's running. It looks like he's about to jot down some song lyrics. It looks like he's thinking he wants to write down some song lyrics. But it turns out he doesn't need to because he steals songs. He doesn't have any lyrics of his own. And here comes Snooky. Snooki is being stopped in midfield. It looks like the trainers actually think she is a horse. They're pulling her feet up. They're hammering horseshoes onto her feet. They actually think that Snooky, the little pudgy princess, is an actual horse.

They've strapped a feet bag to Snooki's face. And here comes Justin Bieber running down the track. The young adolescent pop star running down the track. It looks like he's aging as he runs, growing by every second. It looks like he's actually going through puberty as he runs. Facial hair appearing on his upper lip. pubic hairs coming out from beneath his belt strap and look out look out it's bad boy charlie sheen racing down the track but wait a minute it looks like he's hunched over charlie sheen is running bent over

his face right near the track and it looks like there's a white line going right down to the finish line charlie sheen as he's running is snorting something off the track it looks like a giant line of cocaine going right to the finish line and here comes michael booblay michael blay still struggling to come up with his own lyrics it's not going to happen Snoopy has stopped to do some horse manure in the middle of the track it doesn't surprise anyone that this tasteless donkey would attempt to do a dump in the middle of the racetrack and Justin Bieber's voice is cracking as he rides down the track

it's going to be close Charlie Sheen is eyes spinning he follows the white line here comes Boubley here comes Snoopy here comes Bieber and it's Charlie Sheen at the line He snorts his way over the line. It's Charlie Sheen! Charlie Sheen snorting his way across the line and he looks to the crowd and opens his shirt and it says, I'm winning. I'm winning on his shirt and yes, he is in fact won today.

Thank you for joining us for another exciting race at the Holland Highway Celebrity Races. I'm Charles Parsley and we'll see you next time. whoa wow wow what an exciting celebrity race good lord that was that was a nail biter wasn't it whew how about snooky taking a horse manure all over the place good lord what you wouldn't expect that from a class act like her would you well speaking of exciting how about this my friendly friends uh if you are Canadian or even if you're American and you're up in Calgary, the fine city of Calgary, Alberta, Canada. I am going to be doing stand-up comedy live at the Laugh Shop.

It is Thursday, April 7th, 8th, and 9th. You can go to my website, Harlem Williams.com. Click on the stand-up link, and that will lead you right to their website. You can reserve your tickets. It is going to be sold out. I can almost guarantee that. I always do really well up there in Calgary. Great comedy fans up there.

Love doing shows in that city. So check it out. Thursday, April 7, 8, and 9. Hope to see you there. Busting a move. Don't forget you can get the Harland Highway free with a free app at Stitcher.com and please tell your friends about the Harlan Highway, get them on board, share the experience. You can write to me at Harlan Williams.com and you can also call me, leave me a message

at 888, 500, 2090. Hey, great to have you along today. Thank you for being here. Hope you had a few laughs. Hope you had some fun. Stay out of those gun shops and until next time. Chicken Chow-May, baby. Have a really nice day today folks. You deserve it.