The Harland Highway - PODCAST 251 - NICK THUNE

Episode Date: April 4, 2011

My very special guest today is comedian NICK THUNE, love this guy. We'll be discussing life, animal attacks, Viagra, therapy, and of course participating in the Harland Highway nature quiz. Enjoy!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Well, hellie, Ellie, Ellie, Ellie O, everybody, welcome to the Harland Highway. We have a very, very special show today. Very funny comedian, actor, writer, singer, songwriter. This guy does it all. Very subtle sense of humor, which I think you'll like. I know I love it. and he's a cat that I've seen perform stand-up many times. You've probably seen him on, you know, Letterman or the Tonight Show with Jay Leno.

It's the first time I've ever had him on the Harlan Highway. It's a thrill for me to have him here. I'm a big fan of this cat, and I hope you can get out there and see him. I'm not telling you who it is yet. It's a surprise, but once you know the name, once you hear the little chit-chat we have, look them up. We'll give you all his info at the end of the show.

We're going to have a nice, long talk with him about many topics from therapy to animal attacks. And on the topic of animals, at the end of the show, we will be doing the Harland Highway Nature Quiz, as we do with most of our guests. So sit back, here it is, my special guest. on the Harlan Highway. Welcome to the Harland Highway.

You fellas been doing a bit of booze and have you? Sucking back on Grandpa's old cough medicine. There's an element of uncontrolled chaos. The Harland Highway. Serving everyone from presidents and kings to the scum of the earth. What a treat. Oh, wait. Was you a great big fat person?

You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. You need many years of therapy. Hey, Harlan. from bed first, just do me. You might want to think twice before sticking your penis in there. Just do me.

You're riding down the Harland Highway with Harland Williams. Hey, everybody, it's Harland Williams here, and you are rolling down the Harland Highway, and what a wonderful day. Sometimes life is just too good to me. You know, I got all these funny friends and all these great comedians that I work with and uh today's no different

this gentleman I first saw in Montreal at the Montreal Comedy Festival years back and I didn't know this guest and I'm not saying his name yet because I'm I'm kind of trying to create some mystery here I don't even know who it's going to be okay don't listen to that you can't don't guess whose voice that is who was that I don't even know yet You don't know either. That's my guest. That's his voice. Some of you might have picked it off.

But he's one of these comedians that is just great because when he gets on stage, he's kind of unassuming. You don't kind of know where he's gone. And the more you watch him, the more he kind of reveals the layers. And it's just like a treat. It's like working your way into the center of a twinkie. I love it. Ladies and gentlemen, Nick Thume is here.

How are you, Nick? I'm great. Thank you. I'm excited to hear me, too. Are you excited to be a Twinkie? Oh, gosh. I love Twinkies. Is that a bad assessment to call you a Twinkie? No. I mean, I had a ding-dong yesterday, and I would, you know, the middle is similar, but the outside is so different. Yeah.

And I remember after I ate it, I thought, no, I'm not a ding-dong. You're a Twinkie. And I didn't even think about it until you said it. Wow. I feel, sometimes I feel like I'm a cupcake. Oh, cupcakes are popular right now. Yeah. That's because you're on fire. I'm on fire.

I'm a cupcake with hot sauce in the middle. Oh. God, that would be awful. What's that, you know, if you get Thai food, they have that hot sauce with a rooster on it. Do you know what I'm talking about? Oh, is that cock sauce? Yeah, yeah. The rooster stuff.

God, that's good. Yeah, I've never had the cox sauce. Wow. You've got to get some Thai food. Wow. That's startling and took me by surprise, but maybe I, It's obvious I don't eat out enough. No, you should.

Well, I'm sure you have a chef. I don't. I do not have a chef. Do you cook? I grill. What do you mean? Like grilled cheese? I do grilled cheese.

What do you grill? What's that mean? Well, I can't like bake things. I can't make a pie or a cake. However, I can take a steak and throw it on a grill and just time it out. YouTube a video that shows me how to do it. Oh, yeah. That's the best part about YouTube.

Yeah, yeah. You can learn to do anything. You know what I do sometimes to kind of, you know, just to make my neighbors think things? I'll go to like the grocery store and buy like four or five pies and I'll put them out on my window ledge where they can see them. And I didn't bake them obviously, but they don't know that. Yeah, as far as they know, I'm like a country granny. Yeah, and oh, I'm sure it smells good. You have to heat them up a little bit.

I heat them up and then I have a fan. I put just under the ledge and I blow it and it wafts towards their house. and one of them actually walked over to my house the other day like a zombie and walked right into a wall because of the pie mesmerized them. I've seen that before, actually. Their eyes glaze over. Yeah. Their nose takes over.

What's your favorite kind of pie, Nick Thume? I have to go with a cheesecake. A cheesecake pie? Wait a minute. It's in the shape of a pie. A cheesecake is in the shape of a pie. I've always considered it a pie. Okay, but cheesecakes are modern.

And if you were a pie granny, like I am, and you're younger than me. One day you might be a pie granny. I like a chicken pot pie. Nick, let's focus on the traditional, the pies. We got raspberry. Why are you being so pie difficult? No, I'm not. I'm not.

Wow. Okay. My favorite pie is 3.14. Excellent. See, we can't top that. That is. That is a great answer. When you eat a 3.54 pie, did you get little seeds stuck in your teeth?

They're seedless. They're seedless. Yeah, I never eat a seed pie, seeded pie. I wonder if there's a seed pie that has a shell on it. You know, you eat pumpkin seeds and sunflower seeds. Yeah. You never get a pumpkin seed in a pie. No, that's true.

And there is pumpkin pie. And they're good. People eat pumpkin seeds. and they eat pumpkin pie. Put them together. And somehow that horrible mess tastes like wonderful gingerbread. What I'd like to do is maybe take some of those seeds, grind them up, and just sprinkle them on. This is my chef, you know.

Yeah. Sprinkle those on top of it, put a little crusty layer on top, which is, again, pumpkin. So it's still a pumpkin pie. You know what's weird to me? You never see a pumpkin pie with like triangle eyes carved into the top of it or those crazy teeth. No. Like, where's that? I've never had a pumpkin pie.

pumpkin pie and bit into a candle. I've never seen a candle on a pumpkin pie. There should be a burning candle in the center. The way I said you've got a creamy center, twinky center, there needs to be a burning candle inside a pumpkin pie. And how did the pilgrims not think about that? Wow. Do you like those shoes?

Would you ever wear pilgrim shoes with the big belt buckles on them? Is that something you'd wear? Yeah, I would. But the problem, I mean, they're not boots. They're like low top shoes with a heel on them. But they do have a heel. Even the men, right? Yeah, they wore a heel.

Do you think you could play basketball in those shoes? I could play basketball in anything. I'm 6'4. You are a tall cup of water. People get mad at me if I wear shoes with heels, so I'm sure like you too. It's almost like you're just... Yeah. Because then you're just rubbing it in there.

It's like, you know what? I'm really tall and now I'm even taller than you, midget. I'm looking down a little bit more than usual. Now, do people... Do you get mad when people call you a tall drink of water? No, I like water You do Yeah, it's refreshing

I feel like people are saying That guy's refreshing That's true That's a tall glass Of room temperature water right there Would you be mad at me If I called you a tall glass Of Newman's own lemonade

No, especially if there's Some iced tea mixed in there So like an Arnold Palmer Yeah Newman's own Arnold Palmer That way you mix A celebrity screen actor And a famous golfer

Yeah Into one beverage That makes you a super Star. It does. I think in the end, I think in the end, that makes you with vaguerbants. Oh, wow. Bagger vans. Did you say vaguerbants? Wow. I think that's an erectile dysfunction drug that's just on the market, the vaguer bans. Yeah, I should try that one out then. My last one doesn't work anymore.

Oh, which one was that? The blue pill. Oh, the viagras. Yeah. Really? So you've tried viagras? I actually did one time, yeah. And you're a young dude. I mean, yeah, well, but it was like, hey, somebody was like, hey, try this. I'm like, well, I don't have a problem with that.

I'm like 23 at the time. And they said, no, it just, it's really fun. So it was just a recreational experience. Yeah, just me and a couple guys hanging out. Wait a minute, wait a minute, Nick. Wait a minute. You mean. Yeah, it was scientific.

It was an experiment. Some guys were hanging out, and one of them said, here, take this pill and try it with your lady. Yep. Okay. And not to get too grass. But this is kind of wild. How long did everything last? For a long time, too long, to be honest.

Do you hear that? For the shape that I'm in. Yeah, what is that? It sounds like a leaf blower. No, that's not a leaf blower. What is that? I think that's just a wind. Wow.

I do see leaves blowing. I guess wind is like the natural leaf blower. Yeah, that's true. Except it doesn't have any, like, aim. No. It's more artful. It takes its own direction. I guess if you put it that way, a full-scale tornado could be a nature's leaf blower.

Yeah. Well. But not only does it have no aim, it has no power switch. Yeah, and also you've got people like, what's her name, following you around? You know, you got those leaf blower chasers. Wait, what? You know, tornado chasers. Oh, yeah.

But you said she. Yeah, what's the girl in that movie? Oh, from Twister. Yeah. Helen and Bonham Carter Yes No, Hunt Wasn't it Helen Hunt?

Would you call me? Nick Oh, we started Speaking of that Let's get back to your Viagra So you took the pill How long before Johnny Temple Stick made an appearance?

10 to 15 minute Wait It was there in 15 minutes Yeah You're walking stick made an appearance In 15 minutes I think any pill it takes about 15 minutes to really settle in.

Okay, and then you always hear on the news, four hours, you could get a four-hour walking stick. Yeah. Did that happen? I think it was like three to three and a half. I mean, here's what happens is even if it doesn't affect the fact that you're going to go longer. Yeah. It just affects the fact that that thing's going to last longer.

Wow. So you're going to last the same. You're going to last the same amount of time, but that's not going to go down. So then you have like three or four rounds. Yeah. And it gets tiring. So it's almost too much is what you're saying. It is too much.

And for the girls, too much. So you just went like all night? Yeah, all evening. All evening. Wait, isn't evening technically when the sun kind of goes from sunset to darkness? It's that dusk hour. That's only about 24 minutes. Yeah, we were in Alaska.

Wow. Did you wake up with a? e equals mc square pie on your chest i feel like they're selfish up there with all that daylight yeah they do have a lot why do they got a hog at all some people say it's the earth and the way it tilts on the axis but i think that sounds like science

well yeah what if what if you like the dark like what if you're like a serial killer how do cat burglars exist what about vampires yeah yeah i don't even know if they do exist but how would they if they could that's right they could never go out they'd just be sitting in their castles going oh god with their looking out their little blinds when is it ever they got to be in alaska for part of the year

yeah they got to take it over to norway for the rest of that year so back and forth so they got to migrate so if you lived in that part of the country every fall you could see like v-shaped vampires flying through the air yeah like the canadian geese flies out a flock of vampires A flock of vampires. And would they fly in a V, do you think? I think they would, but at the same time, I mean, that's the obvious shape they would fly in because of the V and the vampire.

Oh, yeah. So I think they might switch it up and go in a W. Right. Which could create some resistance. Wow. They'd look like a stealth bomber. By the way, this is just kind of on the topic of...

The other day, I hit a red cross truck. Blood everywhere. Okay. Let's move on Let's move on with Nick Thume here Let's get to some of these questions That I have planned out for you Nick, could you ever date a bald chick?

I did. Come on. No, I did. I dated a girl. She wasn't bald like by age. Yeah. She shaved her head. Wow.

Why? To be sexy. And it obviously worked for you. She had a perfect head for it. I've seen people make mistakes with that before. I've seen a couple girls make a mistake. I've always been attracted to it. Really?

Why? I've never seen the right girl. It just seems sexy to, I just wanted to rub her head. Yeah, like a crystal ball? Yeah, and her face. I mean, if they have the right face, as long as their face is very feminine. Yeah, that's true. Yeah.

Like when, it could be teetering into it. What's this guy really into? Yeah, you don't want to wake up in the morning and go, ah, I just slept with a skin head. You know, you want to make sure you wake up. and it looks like Tinky Moore. Yeah, we don't want to wake up to that. Yeah, we don't want to wake up to that. Maybe some other listeners would,

and we're not. There's listeners there. My apologies to skinhead loving, bald chick, sexing, whatever you are. I dated a girl the shaved head, and then I also dated a girl to Mohawk. Oh, wow. Mohawk's the side of her head was shaved. Yeah, that's cool. Yeah, it was cool.

It wasn't like a long, it was a short Mohawk. And it wasn't a foahawk, it was real. Was the bald chick, I just got to follow up, was the bald chick the one you did, the Viagra experiment with? No. Okay. That was Mohawk. That was Mohawk. Yeah. Because that'd be weird going for hours with a bald chick. Because at some point, you know, after hours of doing it, you'd probably run out of fantasies and you'd be like, all right, it's Mr. Clean.

Let's do it. But, you know, she had like a, it was more of a buzz cut. Like, like she took a razor and did it number one. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes. Yes.

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so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. You know? She did a number one, yeah. You know the number one. Yeah, yeah. That's what I like to do with my beard with is number one,

maybe number two. What do you mean? Oh, I see. So you get, yeah, years is just like perfectly cropped. Well, sometimes you got to let it go, but then when I don't like to shave all the way. So if it gets too long, and I want to take it down to a reasonable length. Yeah. So they have razors like that? Yeah, it's almost like the hair cutting thing.

I've got to get one of those because if you look at my beard right now, it's Scragly, and I kind of like it where yours is. Yeah, so what you've got to do is go to Target. Target, okay. And they've got a whole male grooming section in there. And you can basically pick the best beard shaver ever. Get a nice guard, $19. Really?

19 bucks. That's all you got to spend. All right, and this might be too personally. You might just say, Harland, I don't want to talk about this. But how the hell does a guy trim his another region? With that. The same thing? Yeah.

Wait a minute. You're going to use something you carved your ball sack with on your face? Is that? Yeah, you got a shower. Yeah, but just doesn't that seem weird that you get two of them? That means you're 40 bucks in the hole. Yeah, so you'd have to get one for your nuts and one for your face. Okay, well, I just thought two problems of what I was about to say to you.

Yeah. What I was going to say is. you take you put a guard on it right so there's a guard that's the number one number two guard okay so at that point you think you use a different guard for down there maybe four or five because you don't want a buzz cut down there but you do want it to look reasonable but at the same time i guess it's the same clipper part that's hitting the hairs i don't even know what to do anymore god that is yeah that is weird uh-huh it's weird to think that you know you uh would would buzz cut your nuts and then use the same apparatus

on your face i've used scissors down there before and any accidents none of the nuts just the upper part the upper part yeah because you can just grab a tuft and just here's the problem i have i don't know what your leg hair situation's like but mine starts down at my ankles and is solid all the way up to my crotch i mean wow so it just goes you know it's maybe it's a little lighter right here but it connects it's like manimal yeah a little bit wow so i if i trim the pubs yeah then it's like you've got to do a fade into the leg hair. You got to blend. You got to blend it.

So then next thing I know, I'm shaving the top of my legs and I got to go further. Now I'm down to the kneecaps. What about a weave? So you kind of weave, you could weave the hair into the legs. Get it nice. Maybe you get a leg, maybe a hair straightener down there. Yeah. Straighten it out.

Weave it up. Could you put corn rolls on your legs? Not on my legs. I've tried at my pubs before. Corn rolls. You are a player, dude. I actually shaved my pubs off two months ago, donated them to locks of love. No way. Is that where they make the wigs for the cancer victims?

Yeah. Oh, that's brilliant. These aren't for cancer kids, though. They're just kids that are going to puberty late and just want pubes. Oh, so it's a wig for your crotch? Yeah. It's a crotch wig. It's a crotch wig. And you donated your, you are underprivileged kids that don't have pubic care. God. What I, see, I love it when I hear about people, you know, looking beyond their own selfish needs and reaching out to others. Helping other people. Although I do like the idea of your pubes on the head of a cancer kid. Yeah, to think about him out just playing on the playground with the wind just blowing through my pubs.

Wow. Well, good, good topic. I'm glad I brought it up. You know, Nick, you've got beautiful. Nick, Nick's a very handsome guy, by the way, ladies and gentlemen. I want you to go on Google Images and type in Nick. Nick Thoom. It's T-H-U-M-E. N.

Oh, N. See? I got it wrong. But type in Thume and see what comes up to. See what comes up there. They go to the road. And I hope it would say, did you mean Nick Thune? Sorry, my bad. T-H-U-N-E. And there's another Nick Thune. He's a senior in high school. He's a baseball player, son of Senator John Thune in South Dakota. Oh, wow.

And he is a dirt bag. So you've done this. You've Googled yourself. Do not look up the other Nick Thune. Okay. Nick is tall, lanky. He's got a bit of facial hair. What I'm getting at is, you know, there's a lot of comedians out there, and not all of them are like handsome and good looking. Nick's one of the haughties, I would say, and just check him out and see what he looks like. But what I was going to say is you have nice big eyes, and what made me, when I saw them, I was like, what movies make you cry or have made you cry? Is there a particular movie that just gets you every time?

Rudy. Rudy? Is that the football movie? Yeah, right at the end of Rudy, when the brother finally stands up, it acknowledges the fact that his brother worked so hard to get on the field. They have a bad relationship. He basically dated his ex-girlfriend at this point. The dad and the brother, they've never been to Notre Dame.

It's their first football game. And when he comes out on the field for that last play with their leather gloves on because it was freezing, they just start. clapping and it's every time every time tears are you you look like you're watering up a bit right now i am a little bit because that's how deep it goes the way they set it up and of course Vince Vaughn's down the field a young Vince Vaughn kind of an asshole yeah that's great see yeah that's i've never seen that movie really Rudy i've heard it's great watch it it's about a little short guy that they don't think has the goods and then but he's got a huge heart

Right. And, oh, that's great. I got to see that. The coach even says at one point, if my players, if any of you guys had a heart as big as Rudy, that we'd win the championship this year. Dude, stop it. I'm, I think I'm welling up. Wow. I cry every time at Friday the 13th. Really? Just on the day or the movie. I just don't, that poor kid. He really does have it tough.

Yeah. When you're forced to wear a goalie mat. can crawl out of a swamp. I mean... He doesn't want to do that. No, he's a kid. He's been painted into a corner. Poor Vorhees. Isn't that the creepiest name?

They should have just called it Jason Vorhees. What kind of name is Vorhees? Yeah, it definitely is a made-up name. Yeah, it's creepy. It makes you... Well, I'm scared to that movie, and I've never even watched it. You've never seen... We should have a film festival together.

We'll watch Rudy and Friday the 13. I love it. And I'll tell you what, driving Miss Daisy. Oh. That'll make me tear up. You know what made me tear up is the color purple. Have you ever seen that movie? No, is that that Prince movie?

No, that's the color purple rain. No, no, that's purple rain. The color purple was one of Whoopi Goldberg's first movies. It's based on a book. Steven Spielberg directed it. And it was before Whoopie was like annoying and loud and a movie. opinionated and she was just a young kid and it's a very moving movie i'm going to see it yeah i like i like a young whoopee you do sister act oh god sister better get her act together

wow sister in trouble sister better get her okay now before i go any further nick what i want to do is just just to bring you know everyone who's listening up to speed i want to play i want to give them a sample of your comedy because i find it uh i don't know i just find it really uh intelligent and what i would call well crafted and unique and i don't know you're one of these guys that doesn't force it you don't push it you just kind of lay it out there and kind of pull the audience into your little world and and that can be very hard that to me It takes a lot of confidence as opposed to someone that just goes out there and boom, boom, boom, hits you with everything. And so let me cut away to – this is you doing a routine on the Dave Letterman show.

I'm going to play this, and then we'll be right back with more of me talking with Nick Thune. This is a love story, and it's about my first experience with love growing up in Seattle, Washington. I was 14 years old. It's titled Instant Messenger. The year was 1994, and my dad brought home the first family computer. It was an Apple. Thanks, Dad. He brought it inside, and he put on the table. He said, Nick, I can't set this up.

I'm too old. I grabbed his hand. I grabbed his hand, I said, I can do it, Eric. He said, call me dad. I said, all right, dad. I had 1,250 free minutes of AOL burning in my back pocket. But back then, we didn't have high-speed internet or DSL. It was straight into the phone jack, 28K.

If you had called waiting, you were screwed. My dad said, Nick, you're too young. You can't have your own screen name yet. But you can use mine. It was salmon with an ERD at the end of it. Salmon nerd. So I got online and I found out about chat rooms pretty quick and that's where I met her.

In St. Coddy, 503. Inc. Coddy 503 I heart her and she's smiley-faced all over me. Smiley face on me Sometimes in St. Cotty 503 would say stuff and I'd be like, what? And then she'd be like JK and I'd be like, L.O.L. Because you guys, I knew she was just kidding.

But I was literally laughing out loud. And if you're doing that while talking to somebody on the internet, you have to tell them. I spent most of the day minimizing when my dad walked by. In St. Coddy 503 told me she was a 22-year-old actress in Hollywood. She was nervous because the next day, which was tomorrow back then. She was going to be on TV for the first time as an extra in full house.

TGIF, I'm sure you guys have heard of it. I told her I was a little nervous about the next day myself because I was going out to sea for six months. and I was a 25-year-old fisherman in Alaska. They call me salmon nerd for a reason. At one point, I had to go to the bathroom, so I wrote BRB. And I came back a few minutes later, and Inc. Hottie 503 had written question mark, question mark, frowny face. And I said, listen, I'm sorry, Inc. Haughty 5.

503, but BRB means be right back. She said, no, salmon nerd. I know what BRB means. But I don't know if you are going to be rb from that salmon run. And that's when I said, Cap's Lock. Don't do this right now. You said, stop yelling at me. I said, sorry in lowercase.

I said, listen, I can't lie to you anymore. I'm a 14-year-old. kid in Seattle and I'm scared right now she said where's cattle and I was like you know that's a stupid abbreviation on my part Seattle a few minutes went off sign off sign on You guys doors were opening and closing. I don't know who's coming and going. Finally, she said, Salmon Nerd, question mark.

And I said, yes, in St. Cotty 503, dot, dot, dot. She said, I know who you are. Because I'm your 57-year-old neighbor, Jim. You see Patti 503. him right after he'd winky-faced all over me. He didn't actually regular winky face me. He did a semicolon beginning parentheses, which is a winky frowny face.

And I don't even know if that's a real emotion. It's kind of like saying, hey, I'm sad, but you get it right. Thank you guys very much. Now, let's, I wanted to ask you, you know, we live in Hollywood here. And, you know, there's all kinds of celebrities. There's the Charlie Sheen thing going on. Everyone says he's demented, he's sick. I got to be honest, I kind of am fascinated and actually find some real wisdom in some of his rants.

But, you know, a lot of people in Hollywood, for some reason, tend to gravitate towards, you know, actually seeking things. therapy or seeing a shrink or something like that. Is that something you would ever partake in? I did when I was younger, and then when I moved to Hollywood, I kind of thought I had it all figured out, but I started getting more and more mentally because you start to get insecure, you know, your confidence. It's a tough town.

You need to kind of learn that you're just who you are, but I felt like I should go to somebody and talk about my problem. So I did see a doctor, and he was kind of expensive. My insurance was covering it, so. Like give us an example for people that haven't done it. When you see expensive, per session, what are you looking at? He was 180 a session. Okay, that adds up.

That was for an hour. Yeah, my insurance covered 100 bucks of it. So it was 80 bucks. And I was paying 100 before, so I figured I'm saving 20 bucks on this. Yeah. Okay. So, but he, like, lived up in Brentwood in the canyon, or not in Brentwood, yeah, above Brentwood. And he lived in this beautiful house, and he worked out of his house half the week, and he lived in San Francisco, the other half.

He was very upscale. And so every time I would go to his house, it would be like, you know, driving up a long driveway and i was the only one there and you go into a small waiting room and he comes out and gets you so when i pulled in one time the last time that i saw him and i need to see a new doctor it's been a year now but i pull up the driveway and there's a car that's sitting i'm like i've never seen a car here before and a guy's getting out of it and i can't really see him that well but he's an older gentleman yeah so i think oh that's weird so i pull up and park and i go in the waiting room and that guy's in the waiting room and it's ray leota and i might be

breaking some sort of anonymity here if i'm sorry ray no i think we all probably assume that leota you know see somebody see somebody yeah so i'm sitting there started to question my whole life like i'm seeing and i'm not talking to him finally he kind of he's reading a magazine he puts his glasses down and he says what times your appointment and i go it's at 1230 and he goes that motherfucker he double booked us i'm at 1232 what ray said this yeah yeah and so i'm sitting there like oh great he goes what do you do And I'm like, oh, I'm a comedian. And he's like, were you married?

He saw my wedding ring. And he's like, what is the guy like you do? And finally, he goes, let's do this. When the doctor comes out, I'm going to get really mad. And I'm going to stand up, like I'm going to walk out. And then you stop me and you talk me into staying. And then you offer you the appointment to me. And then I'm going to turn down and give it to you.

Wait a minute. He wanted to do a bit? Yes. So the doctor walks out. I'm ready. This is my best acting so far. So he walks out and Ray stands up and he goes, What the fuck is going on?

Did you double book me? Did you fucking double book me again? I'm out of here. And he turns out. I go, Ray, Ray, Ray, Ray. Listen, I know we haven't met. I'm Nick. You need it more than I do, man.

I know about what you're going through. I've read it online. I've seen TMZ. You've got a hard life. Something I can't even understand. And I think that you should have the appointment. It's probably my mistake. I probably came early.

And Ray goes, no, man, I'm sorry. And he gave me a huge hug. And he goes, you have the appointment. it's yours. You're married. You need it more than I do. And he just turned out and walked out. And the doctor looked at me and he goes, did you guys set that up? Yeah. Did you tell him? Yeah. Yeah. I never saw the doctor again after that.

I just thought it was, I don't want a doctor that's seeing Ray Leota. No offense to Ray. Super nice guy. Great actor. Great improv actor from what I learned. But I don't know. It made me feel like I was a little more crazy than I expected by seeing a doctor like that. You speak to me Like I'm a fucking idiot What's your game What's your game?

He's an intense guy I actually met him once I was doing a show at a club in Hollywood And after the show He came up to me and goes Hey man you're a real funny guy And he just he has that kind of wild look in his eye And the intensity

But warm and nice Yeah like he's very engaging He's got to charisma But just, yeah, he definitely has that wild pony look going on He's got that Hollywood insecurity You know, or whatever it is that creates madness in people Speak to me Speak to me

Orov kills you like the fucking dog that you are Amazing Wow And just the way you describe the guys the doctor's Office I just pictured that long driveway going up to Mr. Burns' house and the symptoms. That's what it felt like. And it was like wooded.

It was like wood of the creek and there's a waterfall and very serene. Can you imagine if you showed up and he didn't want you there and he just pressed a button? He said, release the leotas. And a pack of wild Ray Leotas chased you down the driveway. I don't think I'd be scared after that. Yeah, because you're his improv buddy. I think I would just start playing with him. Yeah, you're like his improv buddy.

You're tackling these little Leotas and petting him. Yeah. You know, you want to take him home, rescue a few of them. You have no fear now that you've done some schick with the guy? Here's my problem with that doctor. And what I realize now when I want to go see a new doctor is I was lying to that guy all the time. The doctor? Yeah.

Wait, how does that serve you? Exactly. How does... I got so used to putting on like a, you know, like if you're going into an audition, you want to act like everything's okay. It was almost like I was going into a general meeting at a studio or something. and I wanted to act like, my life's great. Yeah, you know, I struggle with some anger issues. And then you talk about, like, how I bombed at a show the other night.

Talking to a doctor. How are you getting your money's worth by duping your shrink? I wasn't. You're supposed to unveil everything and let him work on your issues. You were punking your shrink. You were paying 150 bucks an hour to play a punk on your shrink. 1.80. You know what's amazing about this story, though, is there,

are actors lined up. They would line up around the universe to work with Ray Leota, to be in a scene with him in a movie. And here you are like yucking it up to an improv in a lobby at Mr. Burns Mansion. It's amazing. This guy

looked a little bit like Mr. Burns too, my doctor. Bald. Excellent. He looked like a mix of Mr. Burns and Sideways. You know, the actor from Sideways. Oh, Giamani or whatever. He looked like a mix of Mr. Burns and Giamatti.

Wow. That is a little creepy. Excellent. It's always weird, though, when you see, obviously this guy was well to do. He lived in kind of a mansion almost or a secluded, nice house. And it's almost weird to see a place like that. And you know he built it on your problems. Yeah, he built his house built on problems.

You know what I mean? It's weird. it's weird thanks to people with problems he built a mansion and he was so calm all the time i don't know i guess they're supposed to be calm but yeah it starts to feel weird after a while yeah i i don't know i because yeah it's weird because when you put therapists and people like that in in offices with diplomas on the wall and a waiting room and somehow you feel like their opinion is right that they have the answers but what but what you learn in life is that no human being has the answer.

And I remember I went through a divorce and at one point I was trying to save the marriage and went to see a marriage counselor. And halfway through the session, the marriage counselor tells us she's divorced. And I'm like, what am I doing sitting here paying you $300 an hour? And you're divorced and you're trying to tell me

how to get it back together? What the hell? She's not supposed to be personal like that. Right? Like, she's not supposed to say what she's... I guess, I don't know. I'd never been to a marriage counselor before. Did you go to a regular therapist?

You know, I went after my divorce. I didn't feel the need to go, but my mother was actually a marriage counselor in her career and a social worker. And my mother called me up and she goes, Harland, I know you don't want to do this. I know you haven't been looking to do this. But for me, for me,

I would like you to go see a therapist now that the divorce is done and just go 10 times for me. And I said, Mom, I will do it for you. And I went and it was interesting. I talked about everything that went down and the guy was cool and we shot the breeze. And, you know, I didn't feel that different than when I went in because I didn't feel I needed it. But it was nice to bounce, you know, things off of a guy. but I didn't go into it feeling troubled and problematic and please cure me, please help me.

But it was more like a sounding board, 10 sessions of having a sounding board. Yeah, that helps you kind of like organize your thoughts. That's what I got out of it, even though I was lying most of the time. That cracks me up to you. It's so ridiculous. I mean, because I was...

Yeah, I learned your lesson, young man. I was scared that he would tell me how really fucked up I am. Yeah, yeah. I don't want to know, to be honest. Really? Maybe I need to know. What if I, would you mind if I told you? Yeah.

No, no, I wouldn't mind. You wouldn't, okay, well, let's keep talking because I'm getting a gist. I'm really starting to see. I've got mom issues. Believe me, I know. The minute you said you cry at Rudy, I knew. Let's move on. We kind of touched on this with your hairy legs, but don't, this doesn't have to be a guide or anything.

But I always thought, if you could be half animal and half. human what would the animal half be you know like kind of like a centaur or a i'd be a hyena half hyena really yeah why why a hyena you know when i was younger i worked to the boys and girls club like right out of high school and kids used to always say that i look like the hyena from the lion king yeah okay and so your hair your hair kind of yeah yeah you can be and maybe you know yeah and i just think that'd be cool it's cool to look like a movie star it'd be cool to look like Yeah, look a little bit more like them. But I wonder which part of my body would be the hyena.

Well, you know, it's interesting. I hope for a bottom half. You know that hyenas are hermaphrodites. Did you know that? That's awesome. They are actually, you can look it up online, they're hermaphrodites. Wow. It's bizarre.

Yeah, so maybe that's why secretly, you know, you get the Viagra's gone, and you could basically have sex with yourself for four hours. If you could turn it that direction, yeah. Unbelievable. See, this is, see, this is why I should. should be your shrink. It's all coming together here, kid. That's the question my shrink never asked me. Yeah. What an

idiot. See? I love it. Well, that's great because, by the way, hyenas are one of my favorite animals. They're fun. They're fun animals, and they're hilarious in the Lion King. Meanwhile, they'd rip your throat out in the wild. I actually had the pleasure of being

in Africa on Safari a few years ago and encountered some hyenas. And they're just they're just powerful they're haunting animals they're very they've got that haunting cry that haunting noise that they make the laughing

and the look in their eyes they look like they're always just you saw them laughing uh yeah oh yeah and I saw them uh it was interesting we came up on a lion kill and there was like four lions eating a down wildebeest

and these hyenas were just on the peripheral just complete opportunist intimidating and waiting and there's something very haunting and majestic and they're they're such a powerful animal too where in africa uh i was uh god you know what i've been there a few times i'm trying to remember the country in africa but i i don't have it off the top of my head i went to a safari in kenya oh beautiful and i got attacked by a baboon what yeah wait a minute this is a really interesting

interesting you know like we did what kind of car were you in in your safari we were in an open uh like a land rover with with no walls or windows so no walls yeah so i was in like a van yeah like a like a you know one of those bands that fits like 12 people but then they lift the roof up so you can stand up in the van and you can see but there's walls like so anyway we had the roof lifted up and i was actually sick and so there's like eight people on the safari and i was in the back seat about like i didn't know that i was going to be in the hospital later that day because i'd i'd got in the stomach like the water or something but i got like really ill i got a parasite oh so i was in the back seat getting sicker and sicker and we finally get to this area where there's picnic tables in the middle of this huge uh where you go on the safari it's like a big uh forest national whatever i don't know i call them there but the so this area people get out and they eat yeah yeah you see these tables and it's a big view of everything and you think oh okay this is where we're safe or else we wouldn't get out of a car yeah right So everybody gets out, we're taking pictures, our driver, his name was Wilson.

And you know how they drive on the other side there, so the shotgun's on the other side, too. And it was so uncomfortable in the back of the van after we took pictures. Everybody was like kind of milling around. I thought, I'm going to go sit in a shotgun seat right now. Yeah, yeah. So I'll be a little more comfortable on the way back. Sure. Smart.

So I get in the car, and I'm sitting there. Wilson's standing out in front of the van, and there's two guys that are coming in the sliding door right behind me of the van. They have just sliding the door open, and all of a sudden, this bamboo, or baboon from about 25 yards, 50 yards, in front of the van, comes around the corner, and it's running. It's running at us. And you know, like, when you see a basketball player, like at the dunk contest approaching a hoop, they're doing it strategically. Like, where am I going to jump? Sure. I want to jump two feet or one foot and whatever the dunk is.

That's how he's approaching us. Like, he is figuring out how am I going to get in there. The driver out front, Wilson, grabs two. Two rocks, throws one, misses, throws the second one, bam, right in the shoulder. And, like, kind of slows him down, but not really. He's still coming. He's, however they run. And the two guys that are coming in the door right over my back shoulder, they're like,

holy shit. One of them grabs the other guy, and he's trying to lift him backwards into the door. The baboon comes up and starts to basically try and attack these guys. And the guy that's being pulled in kicks the baboon in the face. The thing gets knocked down. They get in the van and shut the door. The roof is still open. Hello.

I'm in the front seat of this fucking van. I'm wearing a hooded sweatshers. The baboon starts climbing up the back of the van and jumps in. These two guys jump out of the van and start running, leaving the sliding door open. Somehow in the mix of everything, I had hit the lock on my door with my arm. Wow. I can't open my door. So this baboon is rooting through food in the van, and I'm just sitting there.

He's bleeding. We didn't realize when he kicked him in the face. He hurt his jaw somehow. So he's bleeding in the van. So I'm sitting in the front seat, and I just sit down as far as I can, and I'm just waiting. And the baboon takes a bag of chips and runs out of the van. And my wife and everybody was watching me stuck in a van from like 30 yards away. He's like, what is it going to happen?

And we drive around the corner, and there's the baboon sitting there with some sort of a broken jaw, like his mouth. He can't really close his mouth. He's trying to, and he's eating these chips, trying to eat these chips, just staring at us when we drive by. Scariest moment ever. And then we get back and I had to go to the hospital in Kenya. And I've actually got, like, my hospital car. It's the cleanest hospital I've ever been in. Wow.

Yeah. What's a crazy story, man, because those things are vicious. Yeah, they want food is what they want. That's when they hurt people is for food. And they know, they know the areas where people sit around and gather and do their eating. It was a scariest moment I've ever had. I mean, it freaked me out. Wow.

Well, God, you know, on that note, I say that's a great segue into our animal quiz, because it sounds like you've done some traveling, you've done, you know your nature a little bit. So are you ready, Nick Thume, to do the Harland Highway nature quiz. I'm ready to go. It's time for the Harland Highway Animal Quiz. All right, here we go. Just to remind our listeners how it works, I give a little clues. And in those clues, we hope that our special guest, Nick, will figure out the name species of the animal.

You ready for number one, Nick? Ready. Here we go. Number one, no matter how bad the economy gets, I can still afford to lay around on the beach all day. And believe it or not, my net worth is only around. around 99 cents. Crot. Crot.

Croddy. Crod, I'm like, what are you? You can't make up species. What's a crot? It's like a half crouton, half crocodile. A crot. Like, we were both looking at each other. Like, did he just say that?

A crot. I should just give you that one. Let me give you the close. Again. It's all in the wording. All the clues you need are in the wording. No matter how bad the economy gets, I can still afford to lay around on the beach all day. And believe it or not, my net worth is only around 99 cents. Net. That's the first thing that jumps out at me. Net. Interesting. Okay. Even though I put the... I'm going to look at beach. Beach is another word I'm looking at. There you go. Net beach. So you're You're on a beach. Yeah. They're lying around.

You need, if you're going to get these in the tournament for 99 cents. Their net worth is around 99 cents. Okay, muscle. No. No, that's a good guess. You're in the wheelhouse. I'm in the wheelhouse. Barnacle?

Think about it. What are barnacles on? I'm laying on the beach. I'm worth about 99 cents. Okay. What's laying on the beach that's worth around? 99. Those are the clues I need to look at then.

Yeah. Laying on the beach for 90. Oh, silver dollar? That's a pancake. Okay. You're right around it. Okay. Okay, so is it basically one of those?

You're right there. A silver dollar is a pancake, Nick. What's on the beach? It's a dollar. And what's a beach made out of? Sand dollar. There. Oh, there we go.

Although, I got to say, I'd love to be. out a beach that had pancakes lying all over it. What a delicious tree. You should come to my beach sometimes. We don't have syrup, though. Oh, damn it. B-Y-O-S. Bring your own log cabin.

All right, buddy. Good, good job. So you kind of getting it a little? Yep. All right, here we go. Here's number two. Whales may have their songs, but I am probably the only seal in the world

that is capable of playing with an orchestra. We're not talking about Heidi Klum's husband. No, no, we are not. Although he could probably play with an orchestra. He's very musical. Dynamic. Good call.

It's a seal. He is a seal. The only one in the world that is capable of playing with an orchestra. It's not a sea lion? Don't know if there's a lion in the orchestra. Oh. A tuba? A tubus seal?

A tubal? No, I don't know that those exist. Is that in the crot family? It's a tubal crot? Well, man. Whales may have their songs, but I'm probably the only seal in the world that is capable of playing with an orchestra.

An otter? I'll give you a hint, a stringed instrument, perhaps. Oh, a harp. A harp what? Harp seal. Hey, oh, wow. He got it. He got number two.

I don't know how you did it. I don't know. That's amazing. You know what I basically do is just kind of make you kind of give me more. I know. You're sneaking the answers out of me. Now, they're going to get a little bit harder. Oh, good.

Here's number three. There's only four questions. Okay. Second to last. Yes. I'm a small, cute little furry guy. I've dedicated my life to religion, and my biggest sin is eating too much of this crunchy,

fried junk food snack. I'm a small, cute little furry guy. I've dedicated my life to religion, and my biggest sin is eating too much of this crunchy fried junk food snack. one's a little tougher Kalmari I don't think they're furry yeah oh

you want me I thought you wanted me to tell you what that snack was the crunchy snack no no no no no no that's a clue so it's a tiger he's a no they're not little Cheetos I have to take it to Cheetos oh that's a good guess if the question

was completely different Not only you make it up to your own answers You're making up your own questions Cheetah Not Cheeto No I'm a furry little guy Dedicated my life to religion My biggest sin is eating too much of this

Crunchy Fried junk food snack So why don't we break it down He's a furry guy who's religious Wow what's a what's a crunchy fried junk food snack maybe that'll help that was cheetos no you're close those are fried though pigs feet no you know you get the fried pigs feet yeah the pork rinds yeah yeah no it's something very ordinary some of them have ruffled on them even oh lays yeah but what are what are lays chips chips there's there's part of it uh oh the

The rest of them. Chipmunk. Hey, oh, he got it. He's a monk. He's a monk. See? There you go. You know, you could go two directions with that question with the TV series.

How do you mean? He's a detective. What? Explain. You know a monk? Yeah. That show a monk. Oh, you're right.

And what was the other thing? The cork? What was your other creature? The cronk? The crot. Oh, the crood? The croad, yeah. Monk gets camping.

canceled and they start crawled. Yeah. All right. You're ready for the last one? This one might be tough, but I think you can do it. Now I know what we're doing. Now you know. It took a few, but it's all there in the clues.

It is all there. Yeah. I am a turtle who lent his motorcycle riding jacket to a friend and haven't seen it since. And now all I want is my what? I'm a turtle who lent my motorcycle. writing jacket to a friend haven't seen it since and all I want is my I mean at that point you want a sweater no turtles don't wear sweaters I don't know they're not good in the water they absorb yeah you're right well they might wear a motorcycle jacket

so the turtle lent it to a friend yeah oh what was that he said he wants it back Ooh, one of those words is in your answer. He? No. Back. Bingo. Uh-huh. Uh-oh.

He's a turtle. Back flipping turtle. No. A motorcycle jacket. Yep, the leather. Leather. Leather what? Jacket.

What was the other word? Back. Leatherback? Leatherback turtle. There you got it. Oh, I didn't even know about a leather back. You didn't know that one? No, I.

they're like the biggest turtles they're underwater turtles they're sea turtles oh wow okay yeah you got all four of those yeah but not really not really yeah not at all other people other people do actually they get them on their own but yeah you know with the sand dollar thing the silver dollar pancake beach i i feel like you deserve them all right nick we're they're like riddles they're like riddles yeah you have to they take a little thinking but uh you know You worked them out. You worked them out, as Randy the dog would say on American Idol.

This is a quickie. Final one, we're going to close out the show. This could be a yes or no answer if you want. This is just a quickie, and then we've got to say goodbye. Nick Thume, if you swallow enough bubble gum, can you blow bubbles out your ass? The answer is no. Okay. Ladies and gentlemen.

What? Unfortunately. Unfortunately, no. A little ad on there. Ladies and gentlemen, Nick Thune with an N, not an M, Nick, is there something we can plug before we go? Do you have a website? Do you have a CD? What do we got?

I have a CD. What is it? It's called Thick Noon. Thick Noon. And where can they get it? Get it at a Best Buy or on iTunes. There's a DVD involved. It's a nice.

Fantastic. It's a great stand-up that it's my favorite stand-up CD. Is that right? That I've made. And is there a website or anything worth? Nick Thune. Yep. I've got a blog, I-Thune, Y-E-T-H-U-N-E.

Fantastic. Fantastic. Well, Nick, great having you here, buddy. Fantastic job. And we hope you'll come back and see us again in the near future. You and the leaf blower. And the leaf floor. We did have a leaf blower out here in the yard.

It added a little ambiance, don't you think? Yeah, you weren't even worried about it, which made me not worried about it. Yeah, I was calm. How often you get to sit through an interesting? interview with a leaf blower going on outside. That only happens here on the Harlan Highway. Maybe I like a landscaping job interview. Yeah. Maybe I'll bring him

after we're done with you. And I hate to say it. We're done right now. Nick, thank you for being here on the Harlan Highway. Great to be here. Let's go get some pie. That's it, folks. We are done. We are wrapping it up. Another edition of the Harland Highway. My thanks to

Nick, please check out his website. Pick up his CD. I'm telling you, this gentleman has the goods. He's hilarious. I've seen him live. I've been there. I've worked with him many times. And I just love this guy. He cracks me up. I hope you enjoyed him too. And until next time, this is Harlem Williams on the Harland Highway and chicken. Chow, Maine, baby. Thank you.