The Harland Highway - PODCAST 253

Episode Date: April 8, 2011

Plumbers, parking your car and tickets, listener voice mail, Dr. Ascot, breaking down "It Sucks", and BBQ Eddy is back for BBQ season. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Land ho! It's the Harland Highway podcast. Yeah, old man, old pirate. Land ho! Yeah, you're a land ho. And yes, it is the Harland Highway. Welcome, everybody. I'm Harland Williams. Thank you for being here. Thank you for joining. Lots going on today. We're going to be talking about plumbers. Stinky old plumbers. Mm-hmm.

We're going to get into the hassle of parking your car. Have you ever gotten a ticket? Have you wanted to shoot someone? We're going to be listening to some interesting voicemails today. We're going to be kind of deciphering the whole saying, it sucks. Mm-hmm. We're going to tear that apart and analyze it sucks.

And speaking of analyzing, It's the second Friday of every Friday, and I've got to visit with my analyst. Dr. Ascott, not looking forward to it. He's a moron. And speaking of morons, the warm weather's sneaking up on us, and that means it's barbecue season, and that means our old friend, Barbecue Eddie,

is back looking someone to party with. Little does he know. The party's always right here with me, Harlan Williams, on the Harlan Highway. Welcome to the Harland Highway. You fellas been doing a bit of booze and have you? Sucking back on Grandpa's old cough medicine. There's an element of uncontrolled chaos.

The Harland Highway. Serving everyone from presidents and kings to the scum of the earth. What a treat. Oh, wait. Was you a great big fat person? You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. You need many years of therapy.

Hey, Harlan. It's Stephanie from Bedford. Just do me You might want to think twice Before seeking your penis in there Just do me You're riding down the Harland Highway With Harland Williams

Oh yeah Yeah yeah yeah Okay, okay Stop the music It's me Harland Williams Here with you on the Harland Highway Ah

What hell was that? So, I want you to listen to this little snippet. We're going to start the show off with a bizarre little snippet. It comes from a radio commercial that plays on terrestrial radio here in Sunny Cali, Los Angeles-California. And you've got to hear it, man. It's like, what is our society coming to? it's basically it's an advertisement

for a plumbing service if you need a plumber and basically the ad revolves around our plumbers don't stink it's ridiculous

they actually go to it in the commercial that their plumbers do not stink that's their hook and they play like this little pixie dust music every time they say it. I'll play a little snippet and I will come back and talk about it. Here it is.

Wow, you're like up front and everything. I just called a guy named Bubba who wouldn't tell me anything. No Bubba's here, ma'am. Just professional plumbers who show up on time, smell good, and unclogged drains for $99. Call us. Oh, my God. Oh, can you imagine being in a line of work where you have to worry about stinking? but I don't know if I was a plumber I don't know if I'd be insulted by these commercials or not you know you're kind of insinuating that plumbers stink and you know I don't know do P is that a criteria of people

you know you don't have to be a plumber to stink any anybody can stink I mean you have a guy come to your house oh hey I'm here to fix your toilet but oh god oh god you smell like crap no get out get out you know i don't know many people that sniff a guy and uh you know what if what if a guy does go from job to job right like what if some guy's working his butt off at uh you know down on flower street works up a big sweat and then knows he's got to go right from that job over to you know somewhere up on uh crescents Avenue. What's he going to stop off at a holiday

in and jump in there for 20 minutes and have a shower and put some deodorant on and spray some old spice? No. So I just think it's funny that that's the hook.

And I love the little harp that they play, right? Our guys don't stink. It's hilarious. And they do that. little harp like probably it happens about ten times in the commercial they keep hammering home how much their guys don't stink maybe i want a guy that stinks maybe that's a sign of a true worker you know you get a guy that shows up in a press suit and a starched shirt hello i'm here to fix your toilet and by the way i don't stink i had my scent

glands removed i couldn't stink even if i fell into your worst dump excuse me you heard me it's impossible for me to stink get out i want somebody who stinks up yours so anyways there you go just thought i'd share that with you because sometimes life can't stink even if you wanted to Harlan, where the hell is Eddie? Is he still looking to party? Did he find a party? Are people still hanging up on him? Where's he been?

Did he die? Not, Harlan, you have a responsibility. We need to know where these characters are and what they're doing. What are are Eddie? Where's Eddie, Harlan? Where's Eddie? This is Eddie. He wants to party

But they just hang up Hello Hey, how's it going, man? Good It's Eddie Who? Eddie? Eddie?

Yeah. Eddie who? Just get us to see if you want To maybe grab a beer later or something. Who is it? It's Eddie? Oh, I don't know any, Eddie. Well, what are you doing after one?

Or maybe we could grab a Heineken or something? Uh, you have the wrong number. What about a Budweiser? Hey, what the hell? That was Eddie. He wants to party. But they just hang up. Hey, Harlan Williams here on the Harlan Highway with you.

And, uh, did you have to park today? Is that not just a weird? thing, like $12, $15, $18 to just leave your car sitting still. Do, do, de, de, de, de, de, de, de, de, la, la, la, la, la, la, chiching, chick ching, chiching, chiching, chiching, chiching, chiching. It's not annoying. Just knowing your car sitting there. Doing nothing. Nobody's driving it.

No gas is being burnt. Nobody's sitting in it. It's in a garage. Birds can't even land on it or poop on it. It's just costing you money to put this big chunk of metal in a garage. What a bummer, man. Imagine if we had to pay everywhere we stood. Just standing waiting for a bus.

Ching, ching, ching, ching. Little guy pops up. That'll be $18. You've been standing here for 15 minutes. What the hell? What? Standing in a line at Starbucks. Ching, ching, ching, ching, ching.

Your coffee comes to $29.95. What the hell? Well, the coffee's only $4, but you were standing for 15 minutes. So that's $29.95. Pay it, ass. Stop standing around so much. Oh, boy. Go park it.

Save some money. Walk right down the Harland Highway. Chikin, tching. And even more annoying with parking are a lot of the rules. Okay? I don't know where you live, but where I live, There's certain places you can get a ticket, a parking ticket, if you don't have your wheels turn the right way.

Okay, there's a lot of like steep hills in Los Angeles, you know, when you get up towards the Hollywood hills and stuff. So they actually have signs that if you're parked facing downhill, your wheels have to be turned towards the curb. And if you're parked facing uphill, then your wheels have to be turned away from the road. the curb so if for some reason your vehicle uh slips a gear it rolls into the curb so it's a huge ticket if you don't turn your wheels and then uh there's there's other tickets you get um what

they do is they spray red paint in between each parking meter okay and if your wheel is over in the red paint zone, even by a little bit. Boom, you're getting a ticket. Let me tell you a story. I was having lunch with a friend once. Sitting in a restaurant. I got lucky. I found a parking spot right in front of the restaurant.

In L.A., that's like a miracle of Christ. Okay, so I pull up, I park, I put my money in the meter. There's my friend. We're sitting in the restaurant, literally right through the window. is my car we're sitting there getting caught up having a great meal i have my back to the street she's looking over my shoulder she she goes is that your car out there and i go yeah i got a spot right out front we look outside some dillweed meter made is giving me a ticket and i'm like oh don't worry it's a screw up she must be you know i just put like two hours worth of quarters in

there i go running out she's right me a tick and i go hey look it says it says She goes, oh, I'm not giving you because of the meter. And I go, what are you doing? She goes, look at your wheel. And I look at my wheel. I'm not kidding. It was probably about two inches into the rad, okay? Barely into the red.

And she goes, your wheels in the red. And I just started seeing red. It takes a lot to get me pissed off. I just, you ever have one of those things where it's almost like a cartoon where you can just feel the thermometer rising? right it starts at your feet and that red stuff just goes right up to your head holy god man

I mean you just you never want to hurt another human being but when stuff like that happens it seems so unreasonable you just want to pull out a cannon like a cannon from a pirate ship and shoot them across the road man I was livid And you're just biting your tongue And you know they're just being a jackass

You know, there's probably a million cars They could nail that day Where the meters actually run out Or someone's like Hog two spots or you know But a tiny little infraction Oh my gosh And I go

Are you kidding me? What the hell difference does it make? She goes, well, we've got to have the right space between vehicles and I'm like what is that all about the right space between vehicles most of the roads don't have that red thing people just park in as tightly as they can get well that's not the way this road works we we have to space it out so everything works perfect and I just gave up I just walked away I said you know what Williams you're not going to win this you're just going to get more and more aggravated, the more you probe,

the more you try to look for reason and logic and answers, right? And you just go, you know what? The best thing to do is just pretend this isn't happening right now, which is never easy to do. You think you can just shut it off, but you never can. And what it did, it just pretty much ruined the lunch. You know, suddenly my energy went from happy and go lucky, and here's my friend, and we're getting caught up,

and suddenly there was like this gray cloud and I tried to shake it off but you're just like it takes about 15, 20 minutes you're just pissed off at the whole world. It's one of those moments when you're just like, God, I just want to go live on an island somewhere. Screw the world, screw my job,

screw society, I don't need money, I don't need people, I don't need the world. Hope a nuclear bomb goes off and I'm the last guy wandering through the rubble. I don't need any of this. And then they plop your delicious, you know, sandwich down in front of you and a chocolate shake. And you're like, hey, the world's not that bad, man.

Hey, man. I mean, come on, man. Suddenly it's the big Lebowski, man. So there you go. I know you all have ticket stories. If you want to share one, a quick one that really pissed you off. you can always call me and vent 888 500 2090 I don't think there's anything more annoying than getting those tickets oh wait I stand corrected today is Friday oh it's Friday and every other Friday I have to do my on-air therapy session with the in-house therapist that the powers that be assigned to me because they think I think I'm a loose cannon.

They don't want any litigation, so I have to do this crap on air. I've got to sit with my stupid therapist. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes. Yes. The answer is yes.

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and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Let's get it over with here he is dr ascot oh god hello dr ascot hello alland oh god your voice well come on man where'd you get that voice alland just creepy you sound like a monster from a monster movie. Arland. Listen to it. You sound like a mummy. Like you've been in a tomb.

Arland. What do you want to do today, Ascot? Arland, today I want to deal with comfort sounds. What do you mean comfort sounds? As we go through the hectic bases of life, Arland. We must learn to find comfort during our busy day. Okay. a bit of logic in that do you have any comfort sounds holland i don't know it's certainly not your voice

holland i don't know maybe i used to like i don't know my mother when she was cooking in the kitchen excellent alland i mean i you know the the bubbling of the the things boiling on the stove the sounds of her cooking excellent allan what are you you doing what is that noise alland i'm sizzling a fish holland what do you mean you're sizzling a fish alland you said you like the sound of your mother cooking allan yes so i'm sizzling a fish allan okay you have to sizzle a fish in my studio it really stinks it's halibut island you like your No, I don't like. It stinks in here. Is it relaxing you, Holland?

No, it's stressing me out. Stop sizzling a fish in here. Holland, let's sizzle a grouper, Holland. Everyone loves a grouper. I don't want you to sizzle a grouper. Oh, come on! Do you have... Holland, just relax as I sizzle the fish, Holland. Yeah, I hear you keep... saying sizzle the fish, Ascot. Sizzle the fish, Arland, say it.

No, I'm not going to say it. Holland. I'm not saying it. Pink slip, Arland. Sizzle the fish. Say it relaxed, Arland. Sizzle the fish. Excellent, Arland.

Let's throw some snapper on the grill. No, no, come on. Stop throwing different species of fish on a grill in my studio here. Arlen, you're not relaxing. Perhaps we need something bigger. How about some swordfish sizzle? Don't... Okay, this is going to permeate into the walls, stinky fish.

Sizzle fish, Arlen, sizzle the fish. I'm going to sizzle your greasy ass, ass got. Holland. Well, I am. Get that crap out of here. Holland, how about we sizzle a pair of my underpants, Holland? What are you talking about? Look, Holland, I've pulled my underpants off.

Maybe these will come for you if I sizzle my underpants. What the hell color of those? Got gray underpants? Holland. What are you, a grandpa? Holland. Sizzle my underpants, Arland. Oh, that stinks.

Get out of here. Alland, would you like me to sizzle my jock strap? Get out of here, Ascot. How about a nice pair of sizzled underwear with some rainbow trout, some lemon capers, and as... Get out of here! This isn't cooking school. All on now about some sizzled whale meat with some... some reduced marmalade sauce.

Get out! Hello? Hello? Just tuning in to hear you say. You hear somebody say that they like your show. You still suck. I never hear that on there. Of course, I don't listen,

except every once in a while I'm trying to not hear you. Okay, wait a minute, dude. Something there didn't make sense. Let's break this down. Okay. So, wait a minute, what do you think of the show? You still suck. Okay, so if I suck, then why do you tune in?

I don't listen. Well, then how do you know I'm here? You must listen a little bit. Every once in a while. So then why do you tune in at all? Trying to not hear you. Well, can you hear me right now? Of course.

So technically doesn't that mean you're listening to me? Of course. So doesn't that mean you're completely retarded? Of course. Okay, I think I see what's happening here. If I can play psychologist for just a minute, it's not really my show that sucks that you don't want to listen to. It's that you are not happy with yourself,

and because you don't want to hear yourself, you're lashing out, and you don't want to hear anyone else. So in reality, it's not me that sucks, but let's talk about you. What do you do, buddy? Fuck. See, there you go. Doesn't that feel better?

Come on, say it again, you? Fuck. Oh, there you go. Man, I should be a paid doctor. Okay, so what did we learn? Let's review. I think we learned that, in reality, people... Like your show.

Yeah. And you... Suck. Put it all together. And people... Like your show. And you... Suck.

Bingo. Keep the praise coming, people. I know I'm doing a great job. I know you're loving it. And that's why I'm here for you on the hilarious, wonderful Harland Highway. You still suck. Oh, such a vile word, right? You suck?

Hmm? You ever break that one down? You suck, or that sucks? What do you think they're referring to when they say suck? Okay? You suck. I don't think they're picturing you sucking on a lollipop. I don't think they're picturing you sucking on a popsicle.

I don't think anyone's picturing you sucking air, right? I hate to say it, but, you know, I don't think you need too much imagination. When you say to someone, you suck. Right? It's a derogatory term or that sucks. Well, what do you think they're implying that someone is sucking on? it's kind of like a kind of when you know when you think about it it's pretty dirty you know sucks means uh you know obviously means bad but if you flesh it out

you know i think it's i think it comes from it's a derivative it's a condensed version of you know kind of if i got to use uh you know spell it out for i think it's like ah suck me off or blow me you know i i think it kind of was the plight version of all that so that's why i always find it a little interesting when you see a young kid or you see a cartoon or something and it's like ah that sucks you suck yeah what do i suck oh you know what you suck what you want me to show you go ahead okay here look at this look at this this lolley That looks delicious. Where'd you get that 7-Eleven? Oh, I'm not done. What, there's more to suck? Oh, yeah. What else you got? Look at this. It's a, uh, it's a popsicle. And yes, I did get it from 7-Eleven. Oh, what flavor is it? I'll suck that. It's grape. Oh, I love to suck a grape popsicle. Thank you for telling me I suck. Well, I'm not done yet either. What, there's more to suck? Yeah.

Eventually, you know, I think it just goes to that place. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm putting too much, you know, on it. But it's kind of like the up yours, the middle finger. When you say up yours, up your what? Up your fish tank, up your automobile, up your bank account? No, up your whoo-hoo! Right?

So these are just like the tamer versions of some real vile stuff. So, you know, I'm hearing some guy call me up and say I suck. I'm like, you know, visions of lollipops are not dancing through my head. And there you go. I just broke it down. I don't know if I'm right or wrong. My analysis sucks. And I'll just leave it there for your imaginations.

You'd decide. Maybe you have the answer. I don't know. What is it that sucks? 888, 52090. Maybe you can help with the answers. Oh, like I said, I love those great popsicles. Hi, everybody. This is Harlan Williams. Look at your clock. You know what time it is?

It's squishy time. Yay! Squatty, squishy, squishy, squishy, squishy, squishy. Yay. It's squishy time, boys and girls. Squitchy, squissy, squissy, squissy, squissy, squit, squit. Squish your face. Yay! It's Squitchy, time. Squatty, squissy, squissy, squisty, squissy, squissy, squissy, squissy. Guess what time it is, boys and girls? It's squinty! Squissy, squissy, squinty, squinty.

Ah, that felt good, didn't it? Squishy time. Every day here on the Harland Highway. Why don't you get a two pay with some brains in it? Yay! Harland Williams. Okay. That truly did suck.

The squishy time thing really, yeah, that thing sucked. Not a lollipop, not a popsicle. That squishy time segment got down on its knees and sucked. That might have been the worst bit I've ever done. Squishy time? What the hell? Why did I put all the work into that? It's squishy time.

Wow. You know, usually I don't slam my own podcast. There's enough people out there that do that for me, but I'm going to slam my... That was horrible, squishy time. That is borderline shut down this podcast almost. Wow. That suck, that blue, that reamed.

So let me make it up to you, and here's how. If you're in Calgary, Alberta, Canada, tonight, tomorrow, Friday and Saturday, come see me at the Blackfoot Inn. I am going to be doing live stand-up comedy, two shows tonight, two shows Saturday. Go to Harlow Williams.com and click on my stand-up schedule, and you can get all the tickets, showtimes, information, all that stuff. sound good sounds good to me um so please uh check that out and uh what else uh please check out uh stitcher dot com where you can get uh the harland highway and download it for free on your

uh your mobile cell device um and uh check out harlom williams.com check out our uh store You can pick up my book The Things You Don't Know You Don't Know You can pick up DVDs, all that fun stuff To help you get through the day And speaking of the day We are at the end of the day We're at the end of the podcast

So I will bid you farewell I will thank you for coming Please remember to send me letters if you feel the urge at harlomwilliams.com or you can call me and leave me a massage. 888, 52090. That's 888, 52090. And that's it.

That's all we got. So all I can say, folks, is until next time, chicken, chow, Maine, baby. It's squishy time. Yay! Scritty, squitty, squinty, squitty, squit, squit, squit,