The Harland Highway - PODCAST 254

Episode Date: April 11, 2011

5 star dining, talking urinals, Sinkholes and potholes, BBQ Eddy, infomercial stupidity. Creamy crab soup sauce!!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Well, bless my bacon, lettuce, and tomato sandwich. Yeah, that's right. I just ask someone to bless my sandwich. Welcome, everybody, to the Harland Highway. Yes, it's me, Harland Williams. Who else would be hosting this thing? My name's in it. Incredible show today.

All kinds of great stuff. We're going to be talking about dining experiences. Have you ever been to a five-star restaurant? We're going to be talking about five-star restaurants. And in those restaurants, sometimes you find bathrooms, and in the men's room you find urinals, and how about a talking urinal? Yeah, we're going to be going down that street.

Barbecue Eddie is here today. Yes, the warm weather is coming, and Eddie's looking for someone to party with. So he'll be making some calls. going to be talking about sink holes, sink holes and pot holes that love to destroy your vehicles. And then lastly, we're going to get into infomercials. I'm just sick of the stupid infomercials and how stupid they think we are as citizens. So I'm going to play an infomercial for you. We're going to dissect it, pull it apart, and not feel so stupid. Because you've got to be

smart here on the Harland Highway. Welcome to the Harland Highway. You fellas been doing a bit of booze and have you? Sucking back on Grandpa's old cough medicine. There's an element of uncontrolled chaos. The Harland Highway. Serving everyone from presidents and kings to the scum of the earth. What a treat.

Oh wait. Was you a great big fat person? You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. You need many years of therapy. Hey, Harlan. from bedford. Just do me. You might want to

think twice before sticking your penis in there. Just do me. You're riding down the Harland Highway with Harland Williams. Hey, it's Harlan Williams here on the Harlan Highway, and watch out for sinkholes.

Every now and then, people are driving along in their SUV, and all of a sudden the Earth opens up. Big giant like 90 foot hole opens up and swallows a few cars. Kind of like the earth got hungry.

It's like, man, you're going to drive around on my back all day, man. I got to get something to eat. I'm going to swallow me up some SUVs. What are you thinking when you're the guy driving, right? Just driving along, jamming to your Ario speedwagon, or you're cranking a little Hendrix or Van Halen.

Doom, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do do. You go right down into the black hole. Oh, my God. Scary, man. It's like, one second you're on the road. The next thing, you're just floating into a void. The earth opens up beneath you. Keep your eyes on the road.

Watch out for sinkholes because they really stink. Yeah. Stinkholes. Here, on the Harland Highway. And I got to say, even worse than the giant monster man-eating sinkholes are the little potholes. man you know the little ones that are like the size of a loaf of bread or maybe the size of a pizza and you don't see them till the last second and you try to swerve around them but you can't

or you don't even try to swerve around them because it's too late and you just feel one corner of your car just go and you're like oh god and you just you know even though you've got a rubber tire through the rubber you can feel and hear the metal the rim of your tire bong and you know you suddenly your wheels wobbly your alignment's out your tire slowly goes flat it is brutal man it is brutal those those things you just don't see them in time and sometimes they hurt right you just you go down so deep and you're like it's like it's like being on the back you ever ride a horse and suddenly the horse starts running you're just you're just sauntering along the horse is a lazy ass he's just walking but then out of nowhere he goes oh i think i'm going to run now brum brum brum brum

and your back is like that's what it feels like man just like a shock through the heart um Yeah, you know, I don't usually give an up yours, but up yours sinkholes, up yours, potholes. This is Eddie. He wants to party, but they just hang up. Yes, Mike. Hey, how's it going, man? Hi, what is it is? Oh, it's Eddie.

Who? Eddie? Eddie? Yeah. Eddie? Yeah, it's Eddie? Who? Eddie.

Eddie? Yeah, Eddie. Eddie, I think you get the wrong number. Well, it's going to see if you wanted to maybe grab a beer or something or some onion rings. No. Maybe Heineken or something after work or... No. Some curly fries and stuff, or...

No. Who are you? Oh, this is Eddie. Eddie. Eddie. Where do you work? What place? I worked out at the pet shop, and I was going to see maybe after work we could have some cigarettes, maybe grab a beer.

No, no, no. I think you get the wrong number, for sure. Maybe some fish and chips or something. Or? No. Just get caught up and, you know, have a beer. No, thanks. It's no harm in having a Heineken, is there?

No, I'm not drinking. What about some crab puffs or something? No. You're so funny. Thanks, anyway. Some onion rings? Onion rings? If it's free, if it's free, it's fine.

Everybody loves onion rings. Onion rings, yeah. If it's free, it's fine. Everything fine, you know, if it's free. If it's free? Yeah. Does that mean I'm buying the beers? Eddie, Eddie, eh?

Eddie. Eric. Eddie. Eric. Eric. Eddie. Eddie. I don't recognize really

You know my name No, I'm just looking for someone to have a beer with them Kind of lonely and stuff Oh no Where do you get my number Some guy named Carlos gave it to me So I thought I'd give you a shout And see if you'd want to grab a beer

Kind of all by myself Oh Carlos give you my phone numbers Yeah Carlos Who comes? I don't know. That's what he said. His name was. Where did he work? Over at the car wash on La Ciena.

Car wash in La Cienega. He said maybe I could call you up. We could go for a beer and just have a snack or something. No. No, thank you. You are so nice. You are so nice. Thank you. Well, maybe some other time then, huh? Oh, yeah, maybe, you know, we never know, you know, maybe you say... Do you have car wash? No, no? No, I'm not at work right now, but that's kind of why I wanted to grab a beer with someone and just be able to talk.

No, no, thanks. Thanks, anyway. Okay, well, thanks anyway to you, too. Bye-bye. Bye. Wait, what... It seemed like it was about... about to happen and then all of a sudden it didn't happen.

What the hell? He suckered me in and then hung up. What the hell? That was Eddie. He wants to party. But they just hang up. Oh, Eddie. Anyways, you ever hear that saying it's all in the name.

It's all in the name. So I'm on tour a few weeks ago. I'm in a Salt Lake City, Utah, okay? And I'm out wandering around, checking out the sights, walking down the sidewalk. And I pass a restaurant, and it's one of those places where the sidewalks a little bit above the restaurant. So you're kind of like looking down about four feet, and the tables are actually level with the sidewalk. So it's kind of like a sunken in restaurant. It looks kind of nice, you know, bamboo,

furniture and it looked pleasant enough, a little bit cheesy, you know, it wasn't like, you know, the type of place you'd call it reservations at. And then as I'm walking along, they had the menu pasted up in the window, one of those places. And, you know, it started to dawn on me that they served like Cantonese food and Chinese food and Greek food. And, you know, it was one of these places it was definitely multi-cultural. And I started to realize, okay, this definitely isn't like a five-star restaurant, okay? But I could have been more wrong. As I looked up towards the top of the window, there I saw the sign of the restaurant.

And guess what they called the restaurant? The name of the restaurant was the five-star restaurant. Okay, and I'm like, wait a minute. Hold on. Marketing genius time. Are you kidding me? Of course. Of course. You call yourself the five-star restaurant.

You can fail. You know, it's like if you're calling 4-1-1 or you're flipping through the phone, yes, operator, I'd like to find a five-star restaurant. Well, we happen to have the five-star restaurant. right downtown perfect tell me how to get there you know and and you can never complain in a place like that you know what a great name you can never complain to the to the owner or the management or the chef um excuse me but these shrimp are not cooked okay the snow peas have mold on them and i don't know where you got this lobster tail but it's blue

Well, you can't be giving me a hard time. This is a five-star restaurant. What do you mean? It's a five-star restaurant. You're in five-star restaurant. You're not going to have crummy food in here, wise guy. What do you mean? This food is some par.

It's not five-star. Yeah, it is. Look at menu. Five-star restaurant. Well, I don't know who gave you five-stars. I did. I bought name. It available. Nobody have it. This is an outrage. No, this is five-star restaurant. Eat your food and shut your face. Stupid dumbass!

I just laughed when I saw that, man. I just thought it was like a crummy restaurant, but they take the most elegant name where you can't go wrong. and it was kind of genius. It was kind of genius. I mean, what else can you say about the place? It's called the five-star. So there you go. If you're hungry, you're looking for a five-star restaurant. Jump on a plane.

Get yourself to Salt Lake City and ask for the blue lobster. Yeah, we throw into it. some uncooked shrimp on the side is a special. Hello, this is your toilet talking to you. How are you doing today? Okay, okay, just when you thought life couldn't get any weirder, technology couldn't get any freakier. I find out that they've got these new things called talking urinal cakes.

They look like hockey pucks, and they just smell dandy. I mean, trust me, ladies, if you ever want to dip in and take a whiff, oh, it's like Chanel number nine. Picture mothballs mixed with pee. They're usually blue or pink. But anyways, to cut down on drunk driving, some dip wad has invented a talking urinal cake. So when you're in there going pee and you're presumably drunk, the toilet starts talking back to you. Hey, you up there, you. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, how many you had tonight, huh?

You must add a lot, because you're going all over me. Ow, that's my eye, buddy. Ow! You know how hard it is to talk while you're peeing on me? Anyways, you've had too many to drink. I suggest you, uh, don't drive home. Leave your keys with the bartender. Now, what are you supposed to think when you're already hammered?

And you're standing there, and the urinal starts talking to you. You're like, oh, man. What kind of beer was that, man? What, what? Are you talking to me, man? Yeah, buddy, I'm talking to you. Look, can you hold on for a second? I'm going to go over and just check in with the sink.

And then I'm going to, uh, I got a little chat with the electric hand dryer. No, no, no, stay here, buddy. Let's talk about your drinking. Oh, I didn't have anything to drink, man. I'm fine. Yeah, well, I don't believe you. Leave your keys with the bartender. And by the way, um, what, I'm guessing, what, four?

What? What are you talking about, man? Nothing. I didn't say anything, man. Just what we need. A voice from the toilet. You were riding down the Harland Highway. Don't even sit down to have a number two. Who knows what's going to happen there? Hello! Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy,

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free shipping, code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Hi, Harlan. Hey, this is OCD boy. Hey, hey, I don't know why they call me OCD boy. I mean, what does OCD mean anyway, huh? They just keep calling me that. I mean, just because after I vacuum my floor, I like to see some carpet lines.

There's nothing wrong with seeing some nice carpet lines from the vacuum, when you vacuum. I mean, just because they go, I want them to go 45 degrees, you know, left, right, back and forth, that's okay, isn't it? I mean, what's the matter with having some carpet lines, huh? People got, doesn't everybody like carpet lines? And why they got to go call them the OCD boys? I don't even know what OCD stands going.

Wait a minute, wait a minute. Ah, the cat, the cat, they jumped on my carpet. Hi, left hoppers. Hang on, I got to get the vacuum out and vacuum again. The kind of Popper is on the carpet. I got to get the carpet line stretching there. Oh, God. Oh, OCD boy, huh?

Oh, man, when you're entertained by carpet lines, I don't know. I figure if you could be entertained by carpet lines, you could easily be entertained by the Harlan Highway. By the way, I just want to take this opportunity. to thank all of you for listening. It's very exciting for me to do this podcast. And, you know, month by month, the listeners keep growing and growing. And we're getting more and more people riding down the highway. So I want to thank each and every one of you for listening.

And if you're able to tell your friends, your colleagues, your peers about the highway, and get them on board, all the better. But this is a shout out to you. I'm loving your support. I'm loving your emails. I'm loving your phone calls. The emails can go to harlomwilliams.com. And the voicemails, you can always leave me a wonderful OCD voicemail.

888-500-2090. keep those calls are coming This is Eddie He wants to party But they just hang up Children's Orchard Manhattan Beach

This is Carrie How may help you Hey how's it going Good Teddy I was gonna see if you Want to grab a barbecue Or get a beer or something

Who would you like to talk to you about that? Oh just looking for anyone To maybe grab a Heineken or a Budweiser or something after work? Anybody specific? Well, just as ever willing to hang, have some, maybe some shrimp poppers. I like jalapeno poppers better.

Awesome. Do you want to get together at Hulahans? Hula Hans. Where's Hulahans? Over on Venice Beach. On Venice Beach? Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, that's too far for me. Wait a minute. What about some shrimp poppers? I don't like shrimp poppers. Mozilla sticks? Nah, they're too fattening. Maybe we could just have a barbecue at my place. Nah, I'm not really interested.

What the hell? Sorry. What the hell? That was Eddie. He wants to party, but they just hang up. Here's a question. How sick are we of infomercials? And this is a question that, you know, probably could have been asked 20 years ago,

but they just keep coming. They just keep coming. And I got to say the dumbest one of all I saw the other day. Okay, I'm not kidding. It was this elaborate infomercial. Okay. Selling $2 bills. Okay, like for some reason you need a $2 bill,

but they spent like five minutes building up the $2 bill and letting us know how cool they were and they only printed so many and, you know, the famous $2 bill and they're hard to get and you never see them anymore. And okay, so they're a $2 bill. You know, I don't know why they don't have them.

They make sense. Okay. We have a $1 bill. Why not just have a $2 bill and get rid of the $1 bill? Okay, but here's the kicker. Here's where, you know, God bless America or God darn America for people who try to make money off of other people. Here's where the kicker came in.

Okay, we're selling $2 bills only $10 apiece. What? Are you two? Wait a minute. Are you telling me I can get a $2 bill for only $10? That's right, but you better hurry. There's only a few hundred thousand of them left. Oh my God, oh my God.

Honey, get the money. We've got to buy some $2 bills. Find all the $10 bills you can get your hands on. There's a sale on $2. I just saw it on TV. We can get $2 for only $10. Hurry! Hurry before they're all gone.

I mean, think of the fun we can have. next time we go to the store and we buy stuff with $2 bills. It's ridiculous. I want you to listen to this commercial. I'm going to walk you through this commercial. And you tell me how stupid are we becoming? Or at least, how stupid would they like us to become? Listen to this.

America's national parks are now being honored on genuine. U.S. $2 bills. Don't miss this incredible opportunity to acquire the very first $2 bills honoring America's national parks. Okay, there's the first hook because no one on their own would just want a goofy $2

bill. I mean, what's the big deal at $2 bill? So why don't we hook it? Why don't we hook it by putting a national park on it? Because, you know, every morning I wake up and I want to honor a national park, right? How can I not get through the day without getting on my knees on a blanket and bowing up and down to a

national park. And if I'm going to do that, well, I might as well worship a national park on a $2 bill. What? Yellowstone, the world's first national park graces this historic, privately enhanced $2 bill, and is now available to the American public. Oh, boy, Yellowstone graces this privately enhanced $2 bill. First of all, whoopee dude, does anyone walk around looking at the artwork on money? Okay?

And then what the hell is privately enhanced? Some guy in a basement, like rubbed his Yellowstone juice all over it? I don't know what that means. I mean, good, and thank God they're finally available to the American public. I mean, what have we been doing for the last 300 years? Isn't there a reason they got rid of the $2 bill? Nobody wanted the damn thing. But thank God these guys are bringing it back.

And at the same time, we can all jump up and down for Jellystone Park. This exquisitely detailed $2 bill features old faithful geyser, practically gushing off the note. And Thomas Jefferson's striking portrait brilliantly framed in gold. The official seals from the Federal Reserve and the U.S. Treasury, Attest to each bill's legal tender status. And on the reverse, depicts the signing of the Declaration of Independence. Old Faithful, pretty much gushing off the note. What the hell does that mean?

Oh, my God, look at this $2 bill. I'm so thirsty. I could drink it. Look at the Old Faithful, just gushing off the note. Is it damp in here? Is it just my $2 bill going off again? Hello? Thomas Jefferson framed in gold

The signing of the Declaration of Independence Yeah, that was action-packed A bunch of old bald guys sitting in a room with a feather pen Okay, your turn, Thomas Okay, your turn, Alexander God, stop my adrenaline, please Let's keep listening to this horseradish $2 bills are among the rarest U.S. currencies,

and these crisp, uncirculated $2 bills are now being released through this special offer from the New England Mint. Each genuine $2 bill comes complete with four breathtaking photos and certificate of authenticity. The issue price of this historic release has been set at $30. What? Only $30 for a $2 bill? Oh, my God!

Sign me up. I got to get one of them before they're all gone. Can you believe this? Let's keep going. They're selling for $30, but now listen to this. This is where they give you the deal. But if you act now through this special introductory offer, it can be yours for the incredible price of just $10, plus processing and handling.

And if you call right now, you'll also receive this beautiful Grand Canyon $2 bill as a free bonus. The Grand Canyon $2 bill is spectacularly detailed. Another $30 value, and now it can be yours free. Just pays it for processing. in Adelaide. That's right. Call now to get both the Yellowstone and Grand Canyon exclusive $2 bills. A $60 value. Yours for the unbelievable price of only $10. Oh my God, this must be the luckiest day of my life. A $60 value for $10. And can you believe they're throwing in the Grand Canyon $2 bill for free? I mean, unbelievable for $10, I'm getting $4.00.

And not only that, I can look at the Grand Canyon and have Old Faithful gushing in my face all day long. Oh, my God. People, please, let's finish up the rest of this thing before I throw up like Old Faithful and gush right off the page. But these rare $2 bills are extremely limited. Don't miss out. Get both the Yellowstone and the Grand Canyon $2 bills now for just $10. Call today. So there you go.

There's your chance, everybody. Put your hand on your heart. Stare up to God in heaven. Get your $10 out. And get your Grand Canyon. Yellowstone Park, $2 bills. Hang them on the wall. And then go hang yourself for being such a retard.

God! What a world, man. Well, I've said my two cents worth, and that'll cost you a dime. Uh-huh. My two cents worth will cost you a dime. Please send your dimes in for my two cents worth. All right. Enough, enough, enough, enough of that stuff.

Look at that, huh? Speaking of a dime, we can't even buy more time. Because we are at the end of the podcast. Oh, my stars. Why? Why? But anyways, I hope you had a good time today. And I just want to reiterate once again.

You know, I don't do this every show. But thank you, everybody, for participating, for riding down the Harland Highway. We're still looking for that name. Thank you for the people that called in and have been suggesting what we call, everyone on the highway. Keep the ideas coming. I'm going to post some more in the days to come. And, again, I do thank you for being part of this experience. Tell your friends, don't forget you can grab the Harlan Highway on your cell phone at Stitcher.com.

They have a free app that allows you to. to do that. Go to harloweems.com if you want to shoot me an email with any of your comments. If you want to leave a message, 888-52090, 8-8-8-8-28-52090. And this is a bit of an early shout-out, but at the end of the month, April 28, 29th, and 30th, Yours truly is going to be in New Jersey doing stand-up. This will be my first time ever doing New Jersey stand-up. So if you're in the New York area or anywhere near New Jersey,

I hope you can come out and see me. The name of the club is not on my fingertips, but you can go to Harlem Williams.com and click on my stand-up schedule and you will get that pertinent information and the only information I can give you right now is that we're at the end of the show and until next time, my friends,

chicken chau-main, baby. Hey, I think you get the wrong number. Thank you.