The Harland Highway - PODCAST 255

Episode Date: April 13, 2011

New inventions, BBQ Eddy, Whale burgers, zoo sex tours, Celebrity Races, dog sex, swear word compliments. Curl up my bobby socks!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Oh, me's aching head. Yeah, your head is going to be aching pretty soon because there's so much to take in today here on the Harland Highway. Welcome aboard. It's me, your host, Harlan Williams, and you are on the Harlan Highway. Glad you could join. Love having you here. Just a buffet of topics here today. We're going to be talking a lot about animals today. Somehow the show is going down that road, and we're going to be talking about dog sex. I know. It's provocative.

We're going to be talking about zoo sex. We're going to be talking about whale food, and I don't mean what whales eat. I mean, us eating whales. Wait do you hear this stupid story. Speaking of eating, Barbecue Eddie will be along. He's always looking for someone to have a beer and a burger. with let's see what happens with him today uh celebrity races we're going to the harland highway celebrity racetrack today beautiful day for some races i think david swimmer is one of the runners

today um we're going to be talking about new inventions can you invent something i don't know and what about this using expletives to compliment someone what in the name of holy Hmm, is that all about? I'll tell you what? It's the Harland Highway. Welcome to the Harland Highway. You fellas been doing a bit of booze and have you? Sucking back on Grandpa's old cough medicine.

There's an element of uncontrolled chaos. The Harland Highway. Serving everyone from presidents and kings to the scum of the earth. What a treat. Oh, wait. Was you a great good fat person? You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway.

many years of therapy. Hey, Harlan, it's Stephanie from Fed First. It's do me. You might want to think twice before sticking your penis in there. Just do me. You're riding down the Harland Highway with Harlan Williams. Yo, it's Harlan Williams here on the Harlan Highway, and I'm sure every now and then you pull off and go to a restaurant,

but have you ever seen a menu that offers whale burgers? Okay, I don't know which restaurant it is, but I just read this in the news. Some dumb-ass restaurant is going to start offering whale burgers, man. How does that work? Does that like when you get a lobster and the waiter brings a lobster to your table, flapping around? What do you get, like, 40 guys in yellow fisherman raincoats, drag a whale to your table?

Excuse me, everybody. does your whale look? Well, let me see it. Ooh, the blowhole looks fresh. I'll take it. Mmm. Make sure you do it over easy, if you know what I mean. Hello.

Good Lord. That makes a lot of sense, doesn't it? Let's put some endangered species on the menu. Yes, waiter, this whale, this beluga is just a Delicious. Yes. Can I get some great ock, some passenger pigeon, and a Siberian tiger side salad, please? What's that? Oh, yes, I love some black rhino crunchy fingers. Yes, I know there's only seven left in the world. That's what makes me want them all the more. Come on, man. Serving up whale? And aren't Americans fat enough? Now we're going to start eating whale? Waiter, could I have some more blubber on this whale?

Take it back to the kitchen. There's just not enough blubber. Yeah, but there's a bunch of fat. Oh, I'm not into fat anymore. I eat blubber. I'm American. How are my children supposed to get as big as whales if you don't bring a blubbery whale? And by the way, do you have any more that sperm whale?

Oh, no! Arland Williams. Okay, a little rude. A little rude right at the end there. but I didn't name the whales, okay? I wasn't the guy that named the sperm whale. You got to wonder who did name it that. You got to wonder under what conditions.

Some, you know, lonely fishermen back in the 1300s, 1400s, all by himself out at sea for months. Nothing around but whales and blowholes. and I guess a guy's imagination could run away with them, right? Out there all by himself, frolicking on the waves? No women around? Just big, slick, black, inviting blowholes? All right, enough.

I don't know how the sperm whale got its name. Okay? Let's just be happy there's not a pearl necklace whale out there somewhere, okay? God. Let's move on. Let's get to something a little more important, like coffee cups. Yeah, that's right. Coffee cops, everybody. Can somebody phone me if they're the one that invented that little cardboard thing you put around your cup so you don't burn your fingers? Right? You've all been to Starbucks or coffee bean or somewhere and you order your hot beverage. or coffee or tea, your hot chocolate.

And they pour it in a cardboard cup, and it's too hot, so they put that little sleeve on it, that corrugated cardboard sleeve. And you think, oh, my God, how handy. That just saved my fingerprints. That just stopped my hand from being welded to my cup with my melting flesh. But it's such a simple idea.

such a dumb, simple, ingenious idea, and yet some guy somewhere is probably riding around in a Ferrari or yachting in the Bahamas or, you know, playing a blackjack in Rio de Janeiro, or watching nude pole dancing in the Maldives, you know, I mean, come on. Excuse me, sir, this is an exclusive club for billionaire. What brings you here? Uh, you know the, uh... You know the, uh, cardboard ring you put around your coffee cup? Excuse me?

You know, the round piece of cardboard, you put around your coffee cup? I don't know. I think maybe I've seen it. Yeah, well, that's, that's my invention. Because we'll be some more caviar on a gold platter. I mean, come on, man. Think about it. You're going to work every day, nine to five. You're riding the subway.

You're riding the local bus. You're standing in the cold. You're probably being pestered by your boss. Go photocopy this. Go file that. Have the reports done in two hours. Go sit in your cubicle. Right?

You've been working there for 15, 20 years. I don't know how much you make, maybe 30, 40, 50 grand a year. And some guy who put a ring around a coffee cop is living it up in the Dominican Republic sleeping on a bed filled with titanium and pillows stuffed with $1,000 bills. Oh, so if there's anything that comes out of our little conversation here, even though I'm the only one talking, you're very quiet, but I don't blame you because you're probably sitting there in shame going, why didn't I invent the coffee cup, cardboard, circular thingy, finger protector, warmer, cooler. So if there's anything that comes out of this one-sided conversation is put your thinking cap on, man.

Think of something really mundane, something really stupid. Something's right under your nose. Let me be the inspiration for you. Why don't you shut down your computer? Go in the janitor's closet. Turn off your boss. Whatever you do, take five minutes. Just sit for five minutes.

It's all you get. Set the timer on your watch, on your cell phone, look at the clock on the wall. and for five minutes every day, for, let's say, two weeks, I want you to sit there and take five minutes out of your day and see if you can think of something just as silly that gets you to the Maldives on a chocolate sailboat covered with Playboy models and, you know, who knows what else, you know, the remaining members of the Who serenating you on the bow of the ship.

I don't know. And see if you can't come up with something, something that lifts you up out of where you are. And you may want to be where you are. So if that's the case, whoopi-do, this is just gravy. But if you're not happy where you are, you're listening right now, five minutes. every day this week and next week and just focus for five minutes go to a quiet place and see if you can come up

with the next big thing that makes you a billion trillion zillionaire. There you go, a little inspiration, a little homework for you. And if you come up with it, if you feel like you want to share it, You might not want to, because then everyone will do it. But if you think you got something, whether it's real or not real, call me.

888, 52090, 888, 52090. And, you know, we'll talk about it. I mean, look what I did. I invented the Harland Highway. And look how well I'm doing. We're on episode 255, and I haven't made a cent. but I don't try to. I don't want to.

That's not my M.O. I just put a big round piece of cardboard around my face and start talking. But I'll be interested to see what y'all can come up with right here on the Harland Highway. This is Eddie. He wants to party. But they just hang up. Those are medals. Hey, how's the call, man?

Good. How can I help you? Uh, it's Eddie. Eddie? Yeah, I was going to see if maybe you wanted to grab a beer lighter or something, or... No, not me, thanks. Oh, about a Heineken or a Bud Light or something, or... No, no, I'm pretty good, thank you very much, though.

How else can I help you? Maybe we could grab some mozzarella sticks, or... Mozzarella sticks? No, no, I'm good, thanks. Some cheese puffs, or... No, no, no. I try to stay away from that stuff. Well, it's some crab claws, or maybe throw back a Heineken and some crab puffs or something? No, no, again, I'm good, thanks.

Oh. I'm good, thanks. You're going to bring in any scrap? Uh, no, I was just looking to have a beer, really. Oh, well, not with me, but thank you, though. Okay, well, maybe next time. All right, this is Eddie, right? Yeah, Eddie. All right, Eddie, Eddie, what?

What, just Eddie, from the pet shop? Eddie from the pet shop. Oh. All right, Eddie, well, nice to hear you, but another time. Okay, awesome. I'll look forward to it. Okay, bye-bye. Bye.

Wait, why did I, why did I say, what the hell? What the hell? That was Eddie. He wants to party. But they just hang up I want to go to the zoo, to the zoo. I want to go to the zoo. How about you?

You want to go to the zoo and get it on, baby? Hello, yeah. Let's go to the zoo and get it on, player. Okay, let me explain. In an effort to attract more visitors to the zoo, Zoos across the country are now offering some kind of a weird, erotic sex tour where you can come in at night and hopefully catch the animals doing the nasty. I don't know that that's how I want to spend my evening.

Okay, watching a couple of rhinocustruses hump. I don't know that I need to see a couple of zebras creating a barcones, barcode in front of my eyes. And I definitely don't want to see something as awkward as a duck-billed platypus, engaging in oral sex. And somehow I just don't picture koalas being that erotic. I don't see the romance. Oh, I'll be right over. A couple of walruses slamming each other.

That's just fat and ugly. That's like breaking into a tree. trailer park in the middle of the night and kicking someone's trailer open. Oh, man. You know what? If you're that desperate that you've got to go to a zoo and watch animals get it on, if your love life is that bad, if you're that lonely, go buy a dog and let them hump your leg. Ooh, ooh, ooh, have you ever had that? How many of you have had that were a dog humps on you? Isn't it a little bizarre?

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You know, it's like, in the wild it would be humping something with fur, with four legs, with a snout, with a tail. How does a blue gene-covered leg, or a corduroy denim-covered leg, or a nylon-covered leg, substitute for what I just, just described it's just kind of weird and and it's just it's awkward when you have a pet that you love and you throw the stick for and you rub its belly and you snuggle with it at night and you you throw it in the pool and swim with it and you roll around with it and you form this bond and you're like this it's your buddy it's your friend and then all of a sudden it's humping you and all of a sudden you realize that to it you're not just like a frisbee buddy you're a you're a sexual object you're the object of your dog's desire you're your dog's boy toy or your dog's sleaze bag or whatever term you want to use all of a sudden your your pet that you clothed and fed and sent to school is sexualizing you. And not only that, without your permission, it's almost pretty much date-raping you.

Since when does a dog ever go, excuse me, you mind if I copulate with your thigh? Would it be okay if I had sexual intercourse with your calf? No, they don't ask your permission. One minute you're like playing with a squishy toy, or you're throwing them a piece of rawhide, and the next minute they get that, wild look in their eye. They're like, oh, my, my, enough of the playing around, huh? Let's get down to, uh, oh, give me that leg.

Like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, hey, no means no. I'm a dog. I do not know words. It's disgusting. And what's even more weird is you ever get the female dogs doing it? I mean, it's bad enough. that a male dog does it to you and they wrap those little

forearms there's around like if they were the forearms of a human they'd be really skinny and they kind of wrap their forearms around you and they kind of curl in their little paws and they're kind of gripping you and it's like, wait wait this is illegal if you were a human you'd be going to jail

but what's even worse than the males doing it is when a female dog does it you're like wait a minute what You don't even have the ability to hump You're a girl Why are you humping me? Why are you going at me

Like you're a grown man What am I, your bull dyke all of a sudden? Get the hell away from me, smack! Yay! I don't know, man And after that, the relationship's never the same. It's like, hey, Sparky, uh, yeah, you want to go play Frisbee? Yeah, well, maybe you better write

me an apology note first, maybe pay for the pap smear I had to have at the hospital because of you? Yeah, I don't appreciate being raped by my own dog, okay? I mean, I hate to use such a harsh word, but it is kind of rape. You're just sitting there watching, like, highway to heaven or survivor or celebrity apprentice, and you look down and here's this furry werewolf Trying to have an orgasm on your ankle Get away from me, you You're my pet Oh god

So there you go I don't know why they do it You know if I'm breaking it down into dog language Okay I've heard that the reason dogs hump other dogs Is to establish their dominance Which is kind of a you know kind of naughty way to do it I mean they have fangs

can't they just bite I'm in charge buddy no you're not in charge I'm in charge watch this okay you're in charge buddy get the hell off of me so at what point does your dog want to have dominance

over the master why would the dog want to have dominance over you you're the one that feeds it you're the one that bays it you're the one that takes it for walks what does you want to turn the tables i'll be opening the cans of food now master you want to go out of this house and you want to go for a walk around the block you talk to me uh okay you want your belly scrubbed you want me to throw a frisbee for you you go through me pal okay i'm the master now what are you doing what are you doing to my leg get the hell off my leg oh my god

Yeah, I just took it back. I'm the master now. I humped you right back there, Golden Retriever. Oh, God. This is a weird animal sex-themed show, isn't it? First we had the blowhole burgers, and now we got the erotic zoo, and we got the humping dogs. This is getting downright creepy.

I'm going to go get some, like, some kind of spray or something. Keep the animals away. Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to another fabulous day at the Holland Highway Celebrity Racetrack. We have four wonderful celebrities running today. We have the Pillsbury Doe Boy in Gate 1. David Swimmer, actor-comedian in Great 2.

Stephen Tyler, lead singer and frontman for Aerosmith in Gate 3. and Christina Aguilera, pop sensation in Gate 4. It's a beautiful sunny day, and there's the bell, there's the bell. The celebrities are off, the celebrities are off, and there goes David Schwimmer, David Schwimmer, obviously the leanest and the fittest of the group, the youngest, the strongest, and there he goes, tearing down the track,

followed quickly by Stephen Tyler from Arrow Smith, Christina Aguilera coming in behind, who looks like she's put on a little bit of weight, and in the rear the Fillsbury Do-Boy. But the Pillsbury Do-Boy is picking up the pace. It looks like he's caught his wind, and he's running past the others. He's right, but he's tripped. It looks like he's tripped, and he's been trampled.

He's been trampled by David Schwimmer and Stephen Tyler and Christine Aguilera. He's smashed onto the track. He looks like an apple turnover. The Pillsbury Do-Boy barely alive and flattened. And there goes David Swimmer. None the worst for the where he keeps running. But wait, somebody in the stands has pulled out a car. camera. Someone is taking videotape of the race and David Swimmer has stopped in the middle of

the track. He thinks this might be a chance for him to get on camera again and have another show after disappearing from the scene many, many years ago. He's standing, pandering to the camera, trying to act. It's not going to work and there goes Stephen Tyler taking advantage of this lull. He runs past his bones and his skin so old that his bones have actually left his skin and his bones are running down the track by themselves. His skin falling behind. And what about Christina Aguilera, the chubby pop singer?

It looks like she's turning around. She's turning around. She's going back down to the track. She sees the Pillsbury doughboy laying there looking like an apple turnover. Christina Aguilera down on all fours, eating the Pillsbury doughboy right out of the mud. Pastry hanging from a chubby little lips.

And David Swimmers still trying to get an acting job as people snap pictures of him. his doy little cow eyes, but nothing seems to work. It's down to Stephen Tyler and his own skeleton. Here comes his skin. Here comes his skeleton. It looks like his skin's getting in the lead. The wind is pushing his skin, and it's Stephen Tyler's skin,

with his skeletal structure coming in second. Christina Aguilera still eating Hillsbury doughboy in the mud, and David Schwimmer acting out a scene from friends trying to get an acting job. What a wonderful race. Thank you for joining us here at the Holland Highway Celebrity Race Jack. I'm Charles Palsley. Hey, Holland. My name is Jeff, and I'm a huge fan.

I just wanted to tell you I love Holland Highway for a podcast. That was to a ton of... And here's number one. I saw you do your stand-up in Salt Lake a couple of weeks ago. and it was amazing to make you laugh like crazy I was crying and I think I might have

pooped a little bit still unclear on that and might have already been there I'm not sure about or I could have done that later anyway I want to let you know how funny you are how fun I think you are

and let you know I also have a podcast and I was just going to throw it out there Maybe you could give it a check sometimes. In iTunes, it's Jeff and Greg podcast. Jeff and Greg podcast, yeah, 50 episodes of each, my friend. Check it out if you like.

Anyways, I love you. Keep it up. Harwood Highway is the shit. Bye, man. Well, there you go. A nice compliment from a fellow podcaster. Always a treat. check out their podcast as he announced it there.

Might as well spread the word around, right? I can't hog all the podcast space. I always find it funny, though, when people use expletives to describe what you do. I get it a lot, and I know people mean it as a compliment, so I'm not knocking it, but it always just sticks with me really weird when people walk up to me and go, man, you're funny as shit, dude. Oh, man, your shit's so funny. Oh, dude, you're all the shit, man.

Oh, you're a funny fucker, man. You're just a funny fucker. I hate to say it, but in a way, it just... It just never sits right with me, okay? And again, I get why you're saying it. I take it as a compliment. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. But when you throw the shit or the fucker or the whatever on the end of it, man,

it somehow takes away from the purity of it. You know, it's like, you know, when your girlfriend walks out in her new dress, you don't go, oh, my God, you look beautiful as shit. You are one beautiful fuckhead, baby. Oh, my God. Or her mother comes over and makes dinner for you. You're a newlywed couple. Oh, Mrs. Davidson, your cooking is the shit, man.

I mean, you... Where did you learn to cook, you little fuckhead? Oh, you are one... You are one sweet cooking fuckstick. You are, Mrs. Davidson. I mean, you know what I mean? Something just doesn't compute. So, you know, just something to work on.

Something to work on. You know, next time you want to throw a compliment around, feel free to throw in something nice. Like, hey, you're one real funny guy. You're a funny dude. Your material, your comedy material is really hilarious. See how that's all in context there? Guy, funny, hilarious.

So much better than those other words So there's your little lesson in etiquette And don't forget earlier in the show Don't forget your homework To do your five minutes a day To come up with your brilliant Idea that's going to make you trillions And here's the only hook, okay?

If you do it, okay, since I also mentioned I don't make a cent on my podcast If you do it, if you become the next big inventor because my words inspired you to find that thing, here's the only clause you have to become a sponsor or the sponsor of the Harland Highway. See, that's a little bit of payback. There's always a hook.

You've got to throw a little money towards the podcast and be the sponsor with all your trillions. or you don't. I'm just happy I could help. Glad I could be encouraging, help you spawn some ideas. You take that money, you've earned it, you do whatever you want with it. I'm excited for you. I'm excited to see what you guys come up with.

I hope you'll share the numbers 888-52090, 888-52090, or you can write to me at Harlem, Williams.com. I always look forward to hearing from you and your shit. See? See how it feels? I'm just doing it back. You know, come on, man.

Now, my listener also mentioned he saw me live in Salt Lake City, and, you know, that's a big part of what I do. Do you know there's people out there that don't even know I do stand up? They're always surprised. They're like, wait, you're a movie guy. You're a TV guy. do stand-up, yeah, that's where I started. Just so anyone who's listening doesn't know this,

all this stuff started for me doing stand-up over 20 years ago. So if you ever want to come out and see me, if you're in the New York area, the New Jersey area, I'm going to be in Jersey, April 28th, 29th, and 30th. Go to Harlow Williams.com. Click on my stand-up schedule. You'll get the name of the club. You'll get the info.

the ticket prices, I suggest you book early so you don't get left standing in the cold, in the rain, in the sweet New Jersey rain. And you can get the Harland Highway free at Stitcher.com. You can download. It's an app for your cell phone. You can listen to the highway on your phone. And check out Harlowiams.com, the web store,

all that stuff. We've got tons of cool merch. for your listening pleasure and visual enjoyment. It's all right there. But most of all, you folks are my enjoyment. Thank you for joining in. Thank you for coming on board. Please tell your friends about the Harland Highway.

There's room for many more before we get into a bottleneck situation here. But that's all the time we have for today. I got to wrap it up. Have a great day. Good luck with your invention. And until next time, chicken chow maine, baby. Hollywood Highway is the shit. Bye, man.