The Harland Highway - PODCAST 256

Episode Date: April 15, 2011

I'm going to play a dirty mind trick on you today, big birds in the sky, watching too much TV, BBQ Eddie, racism. Salad tong my falad flong!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men? Well, you're about to find out today. Welcome to the Harland Highway. It's me, Harland Williams, your mind-trick maniac. Yeah, that's right. Today, if you dare listen, I'm going to play a mind-trick on you. I don't know if you'll love it or you'll hate it. Either way, I am going to get you.

Okay, so stick around and see how I mess with your mind and force you into thinking something you might not normally have thought about. Also, we're going to be hearing from Barbecue Eddie. We're going to be talking about the ever so touchy issue of racism. I had a weird encounter with a racist, and I got to talk about it. Um, how about watching TV? Do you do too much of it? We're going to get into that. Um, birds, big, big birds in the sky. What's wrong with this picture? We're going to be talking about something unusual that happens, uh, with birds.

And then, uh, like I said at the top of the show, I'm just, I'm stealing your mind today. I'm going to inject something into your mind that you're powerless to stop unless you turn it off right now. But I dare you, it's hard to turn off. The Harland Highway! Welcome to the Harland Highway. You fellas been doing a bit of booze and have you? Sucking back on Grandpa's old cough medicine. There's an element of uncontrolled chaos.

The Harland Highway. Serving everyone from presidents and kings to the scum of the earth. What a treat. Oh, wait. Was you a great big fat person? You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. You need many years of therapy.

Hey, Harlan, it's Stephanie from Denver. Just do me. You might want to think twice before sticking your penis in there. Just do me. You're riding down the Harland Highway with Harlan Williams. Hey there, Harlan. This is Chad Young calling from Wisconsin. No, I'm not related to Neil Young.

I am, however, watching the movie Jaws backwards as we see. That's beautiful, beautiful things. Sorry about a big fish swimming around, throwing up people, and still the beach open. On that note, Vagina, have a good night. Wait, what the hell does he just call me Vagina? What the, what, huh? Wow, okay. Well, here we go.

It's the Harlan Highway podcast in case you don't know. And I'm going to pull a stunt today. Oh, I almost don't want to do it. But I have to. I just have to. That guy, you know, called me a vagina, and maybe today I am going to be one. You're either going to love me by the end of the show

or you're going to hate me by the end of the show. But guess what I'm about to do? I'm about to mess with your minds. I'm about to implant a lick from a song in your head that you are going to find yourself humming probably for the next little while, maybe the next few days, maybe even the rest of today, maybe through the weekend.

I don't know if you've ever heard the song. It's a catchy little tune, and it's got a catchy little riff in it that I think is going to stick in your craw and you know how it works when you hear someone singing or humming or whistling and it gets stuck in your head and you find yourself doing it

you find yourself imitating it you find yourself doing the lick well guess what I'm going to get that in your head today Then you are powerless to stop me Unless you turn off this podcast right now Good, I'm glad you're still here Let the challenge begin I'm going to hit you up with an obscure song

Some of you might have heard it A lot of you probably haven't It's by an artist named Nana Cherry Or Nina Cherry She did a song back in the 80s called The Buffalo Stance That's not the song, but she did another song that was a little more obscure called Seven Second Second Seconds. Okay.

And there's a little riff in there, and I like the song, and her voice is nice, but there's a little riff in there that I'm going to play for you right now, and I'm going to pepper it through the whole show. And just when you think it's gone away, it's going to be back again. That's what I mean. You may hate me, you may love me, but you will be humming this song. So without further delay, here's the little riff that you're going to be humming or singing to yourself over the next few days. Thanks to me being a brat. Here we go. stay i'll be waiting it's not a second seven second away la la la la la la it's seven seconds it's

seven seconds waiting it's seven seconds waiting Yeah. No, you don't feel it yet. Don't worry. It's coming. There's going to be more. You'll be, you'll be humming it. I promise you. I promise you, my name is in Christopher Walken. I promise you you'll be humming this song. God, that was like Arnold Schwarzen walking. I promise you. You'll be humming his song. Get down. I'll be back. I'm Christopher Schwartz and Wachin. But no, don't worry.

This psychological experiment is just starting. You're like, no, Harlan, no. You're not get me with that. Whoopi-Doo. Cool little riff. You're not going to get me. Oh, yeah, I'm going to get you. Yeah, see, it's starting all ways.

Just as long as I stay. I'll be waiting. Yeah, see, it's starting all right. already. It's starting. You might like the riff. You might hate the riff. You might be somewhere on the fence. But the psychological experiment has begun people. And you are the victims. It's like I'm the Dharma initiative today. And you are lost. Okay? I promise you you're going to be humming that tune in the shower and your car. I'm brainwashing it into your head. There's nothing you can do except turn off this podcast right. Now, I don't think you have the balls to do it. I think you want to play this out till the end and see if I'm right. I can't wait to one of you is humming this.

And you're going to be driving or you're going to be at the store walking up the aisles, looking for bread, looking for eggs, and you're going to be... La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la. Wait, no! No! Harland! No! He did it! He got me Seven seconds and waiting

La da da da da All right, all right I'm just going to put it on the shelf for a minute It'll be back It's going to jump up on you When you least expect it Let's get on with the podcast We'll just mark my words

And You know We'll just see what happens My little helpless victims Hey, Harlan Williams here on the Harland Highway. Get your heart pumping. Little palpitations. Your regular heartbeat.

I like those defibrillator things, man. Those look like they'd be fun. Just that word. Defibrillator. Sounds like one step up from a lie detector. Did you pass the lie detector, man? Oh, yeah, no problem. Yeah?

We'll try the defibrillator. What? Oh no! Not the defibrillator! I can't lie with that around! That'd be a neat power to have, man. That should be a superhero, defibrillator man. You know? Just had the power of those two paddles in his hands. You could grab someone by the face, man. You could run around curing kids of their acne, right? You just run up to a zit-faced kid and grab them and hold them and hold them. hold his face and yell clear just shocked the zits right off their face man look at your complexion what are you using are you using oxyfab or clear asyl or what no man defibrillator man

he landed and blasted my face with 300,000 volts of electricity almost gave me a heart attack man me, baby. We'll get your heart gone. You don't need any defibrillators. Just keep it right here on the Harland Highway. Okay, how many of you have lost days off your life? And I don't mean you're in the hospital. I don't mean you went into a coma. I mean, you sat down and started watching TV. And you just kept watching and watching and watching and flipping channels. And you're like, okay, that's it.

That's all I'm going to watch. I watch the home renovation show. That's it. I'm going outside. It's beautiful. Oh, wait, wait, wait, what's that? Oh, my God. Oh, my God, Forrest Gump.

I love this movie. Okay, I'll just watch 10 minutes of it. And then you watch, and you watch, and you watch. Oh, man, I sat all the way through Forrest Gump. Okay, I'm out of here. Wait a minute. Who's that? Cindy Crawford?

A special about Cindy Crawford's cyst on her ovary? Oh, I got to know about this. And you watch, and you watch, and you roll around on your side, and then you roll around on your other side. And next thing, you know, you're watching game shows, and you're watching more movies, and you watch a reality show, and you watch every single show you've got saved on your DVD, TiVo, digital recorder, saving device thing, your life-waster box. Oh, yeah, it's brutal. I've been guilty of it. You know, I spend a lot of time in hotels, right? because when I travel, I do my shows.

And I'm not kidding, man. I think there's been a few days in my life where I've just laid on the bed and watched and watched and what, and it's almost like, okay, if I keep watching, I can get ahead of this thing. I can get right to the top of the TV pile and I'll have seen everything

and there'll be nothing ahead of me and everything will be behind me and then I'll be ahead of the curve and no. It's just endless. and it's meaningless and you forget it all the minute it's over and oh it's such a waste but we all do it and i'm not talking about you know marathons where maybe you watch one two three four hours i'm talking about when it just keeps going it just keeps going like an all-you-can-eat buffet right oh it's brutal it is brutal so hopefully when we all get to have

heaven. God will give us all those days. Those days back. What am I talking about? Heaven's eternity. Hey, God, I'm here in eternity, but do you think you can attack on a few extra days? You are an idiot. Go straight to hell. What? What did I say? So I hope you don't waste any days on TV, all that input into your head. It can't be healthy. It can't be smart It can't be productive I mean that's about as smart As putting a catchy

Radio jingle Tune into your head It's not a same thing With seven seconds away Just as long as I stay I'll be waiting This is Eddie He wants to party

But they just have Hang up. Hello? Hey, how's it going? Hi, okay. It's, uh, Teddy. Say it again. Uh, Teddy?

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and 100% free shipping, Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Are you at the Dialysis Center? No, I was just calling to see if maybe wanted to grab a beer lighter or something. Oh, I think you had the wrong number, huh? Oh, maybe a quick Heineken or a Budweiser or something after work. Yeah, I'm not a beer drinker, so I think you have the wrong number.

Oh, maybe we could just get some chicken wings or crab puffs or? Oh, you say you do have to eat, huh? Sure. Oh, hey, it's great talking to you. You take care. Oh, okay. Thanks. All right, go-bye.

What? What the hell did I... The hell did I just say thanks to? She hung up. What the hell? That was Eddie. He wants to party. But they just hang up

Here's a little mystery Maybe you can help me clear up I don't know You ever, you know Just kicking back in the yard Or you're out for driving the country Or you're hiking or whatnot Whatever it is, you do

And you look up in the sky And there's a beautiful giant hawk Or an eagle You know, the type of bird That can swoop down and pick up a rhinoceros and bring it to its nest and eat ribs all night, you know? And they're just trucking along, kings of the sky. You know they could take like a commercial jet out of the sky if they were pissed off and off.

And then all of a sudden from out of nowhere, here comes like a sparrow. Okay, or a crow. A much smaller bird. Kind of has no business doing anything. and it starts like attacking and chasing the giant bird of prey why how

I don't get that A don't these little birds have anything better to do and B why doesn't the big bird just like turn upside down in the air grab it with its claws and eat its face I don't understand

it's almost like drive-by birds yo man you want to go do a drive-by man yeah what you got player? I just saw real-tailed hawk go by, man. No, that's too small, man. Okay, man, I saw Bald Eagle go by, man. How about that?

Yeah, let's go do drive-by on the Bald Eagle, man. I don't get it. Nature's funny. Like, how do porcupines make love? I don't know. Nature's funny. Oh, drive-bys, in the sky. Harland Williams. Ah! But just as long as I stay

I'll be waiting We're seven seconds away And I'll be waiting I'm getting out there Oh yeah Yeah you're mine You are mine in my hand Here's what I want you to do

Because I look I know this experiment's going to work For those of you, I need to know if I got you, okay? Maybe some of you are strong. Maybe some of you are just, you know, mega minds. But I want you to be honest, if I got you, if you catch yourself humming this tune anywhere in the next five days, you got to just call me and just say, Harland, you got me.

888, 5.000. $520.90, I'm hoping you fill my answering machine. Because, you know, I just, I mean, what can I say, but. Seven seconds away, just as long as I stay, I'll be waiting. Oh, how many of you are hating me right now. And how many you are loving me because you like that catchy riff? And speaking of hating, okay, I got to tell. This is a bit of a sad story, but I have to address it.

I have to talk about it. It's something that bothered me. And hopefully we can all learn from it. Maybe I'm going to get on my soapbox for a minute here, but it's for a good cause. Okay, so I'm doing a show in a city, and this is the second time this has happened within a year, okay? partway through my stand-up comedy act, I start talking about President Barack Obama, okay? And during the said segment, I asked the audience, I go, hey, is this Obama country? And, you know, people inevitably yell, yay!

And then some go, boo, no. And so sometimes I get the yay, and I go, oh, well, why do you like Obama? And someone yells out an answer. And then I go, well, why don't you like Obama? and someone yells out an answer, right? But this happened just a few days ago, and like I said earlier this year, I did the whole, someone yelled out,

I go, oh, you don't like Obama, sir. Why don't you like Obama? And here's the answer I get, because he's black. Notice the long silence there? Yeah, so that happened once. And then at another club, why don't you like Obama?

Uh, because he's black. And here I am up on stage in front of like 400 people. The room goes quiet. And you're just stuck there in the spotlight with this idiot's comment, this racist, you know, attitude hanging in the air. And so what I do is I immediately say to the guys, I said, dude, come on, you can't say stuff like that. You just can't say stuff like that. But then part of me goes, you know, if that's who the guy is, if that's who he feels, if that's what he feels inside, if he has a dislike for another race, another gender, another religion, you know, I almost.

I'm glad that they express it because then I know who they are, where they are, and what they are. But you could just feel the energy in the room kind of sag for many reasons. First of all, because of racism, because of the color of a person's skin. But then you almost felt the energy in the room sag because, you know, the person that yelled it out was a white person and was representative of white people. When you're a color, you are a representative of that color. You are a representative of a race. You are a representative of a religion.

And everyone just kind of did a collective sigh. And we're like, oh, God, really, dude? And so it's up to me up on stage to kind of deal with it. Because I, you know, I provoked the guy. I asked the question. He answered honestly, which in a way you're going. got a respect. Again, it tells you who the person is, which is sometimes better than not knowing who they are. Okay. And so, you know, I made some goofs of them. I made them look like an ass. I burned

them. I heckled them back. I, you know, I kind of reduced him to the idiot that he was. But that's not my agenda. You know, I'm not up there to make people feel bad. And, you know, the guy's naive, the guy's stupid, the guy's, you know, insensitive. I don't know what his story is. For some reason, he had the need to yell it out. So here it is, for anyone out there, and here's where I get on the soapbox a little, my apologies. You know, there's a lot of different colored people in the world.

There's a lot of, look, I'm white, someone listening might be black, someone listening might be Asian, someone might be Indian, whatever. Here's what I always say. Okay? The next time you have a racist thought or you have a thought that isn't positive or it's about the differences between you and someone else,

race, religion, color. And before I go into it, I think we've all had it. I'm sure even a priest, a nun, a bishop, a rabbi, It's natural for human beings to have those feelings. And when I say those feelings, I don't mean that we're inherently racist. I just know that human nature is human nature. And if I'm being honest, at some point in your life, you've compared yourself to a different color person,

a different religious person, a different whatever person. It happens. But for most of us, it's a flash thing. And you're like, oh, why did I think that? what was that or what's that thought you know it's the same way everyone in life has had a weird sexual thought it's the same way everyone in their life has had a a severe anger thought it's the same same way people have probably have suicidal thoughts humans experience all kinds of emotions and rational people smart people most people sort through them and know the difference between what's right what's wrong what's rational

And for the people that have it deeply ingrained in them, or it's part of their dialogue, their inner dialogue, or it's part of their daily conversation, and they lean towards racism against whatever type of person, here's what I always come back to. And I'm going to say it, and then I'll get off of it. I want you to imagine yourself crashed on an island. let's say you're a white guy

and the only other guy that survived was a black guy the black guy would over time realize that you're just like him and the white guy would start to realize you're just like him

you laugh, you hurt you love you get mad, you get hungry you feel pain you bleed and if you're both trapped on that island and there were there was nothing around you'd probably become best friends you'd probably learn to really like each other grow to love each other and and so next time you know one of these idiots that I'm kind of addressing I hate to have to preach to the rest of you that's not my job but I was just upset by what I heard and

And I thought, you know, if anyone's listening that has those thoughts, just next time you get a thought like that, picture yourself trapped on an island with that person before you say something harmful or mean or spiteful. And look, white people do it. Black people can do it. Anyone can have a racist thought, okay? This isn't just going out white people to black people.

It's black people to white people. It's to everybody. So that's my little soapbox thingy. Most of you don't need it. Most of you're like, shut up, Harland. But because I experienced it firsthand and I didn't like it and it resonated with me, I felt I got to say something about this. And I thought if I could drop a little nugget, a little thought into somebody's head,

it would divert a future outcry like that that just, kind of made everyone upset. So there you go. I'm getting off of the soapbox. I should be back down on the ground in seven seconds. Okay, we can't end the show on a such a serious tone. It's a serious issue. I got it out.

Thank you for indulging me as I continue to brainwash you. But I figure, you know, the world's about love, you know, forget the hatred. Let's end the show on an upbeat note. You know, let's deal more with the love than the hatred. So let's bring in, we have in the studio today. a Samuel L. Quowke, and this guy is a, he's a romantic, he's a writer, he's a poet, he's just a prolific guy that seems to have his hand on the pulse of romance and love, and sometimes he drops in, he reads romantic letters to me and you, and just kind of fills the air

with just a wonderful heartwarming feeling. Hello, Samuel. Hello, how are you today? I'm doing great. I'm glad you're here kind of to bring the mood up at the end of the show here. Yes, thank you very much. So you're going to read some letters, some musings.

Yes, I'm going to read some letters that I wrote to my girlfriend, Catherine, many years ago, a wonderful, relationship that brought much warmth and much love into my heart at a time that I needed it the most. Well, see, that's just beautiful right there. Thank you. Do you mind if I get to reading

and you stop babbling? Well, you don't have to... Do you mind? Well, okay, go ahead and read. You don't have to... Do you mind? Okay, go ahead. Thank you.

Dear Karen... The sparrows are swirling around in the sunset, catching little bugs plucking them out of the air. And I'll never forget how we sat in the swing by the lake and watched the insects dance over the water, the reflection of the sunset, on the still glass surface of the lake. I put your hand in mind, we slowly started swinging back and forth, as the night crickets begin. and sang in the distance. I started swinging faster and faster.

Faster and faster, I could feel your little hand tightening its grip on mine. Before I knew it, I had fallen off of the swinging swing, but there was so much momentum, it kept going, and it swirled around in circles until you were flapping around

up in the top, and the swing was banging against your back. I remember how your back cracked and you screamed like a wounded child and excuse me pardon me excuse me yes

do you have to go there what are you talking about can you just that got a little grizzly do you mind I'm reading a romantic letter well don't go all creepy do you mind please all right

do it but do it nice thank you I remember when I finally untangled your from the chains and the slivers of wood that were wedged into your throat and your spine. I had you dragged into the lake by your ankles where I gently washed you, cleaned the blood from your pale white skin. And as I held your head under, you started to make funny bubble noises, which amused me to know,

and I chuckled in the sunset. And your eyes, I can see them under the water, bulging out. Excuse me, do you mind? What the hell is that? I'm reading a summer love letter, please. You're basically talking about submerging a wounded woman under the light, do you mind? Look, wrap this thing up. This is kind of creepy, dude.

The name's Samuel L. Quirk, please. All right, Samuel L. Quoak. You sure you're not a serial killer? Do you mind? Go ahead. Thank you. I remember I ran up to the house, and I looked around through the drawers for some scissors and some needle and thread,

taking note of the stuffed animal heads that your father had shot in Africa, the wild water buffalo, the black rhinoceros, the emu and the zebra, they all stared at me as I scurried through the house, a little bead of sweat running down my brow, and then at last I found some hair-cutting scissors and a large needle and some thread. I ran to the leg, pulled you out by your hair, your lifeless body sprawled on the cold sand, wet beach.

I slowly cut you open and started stuffing your inids with sawdust and sewing you up like a cheap gazelle. Excuse! Stop it! Do you mind? That's not a love letter Get out of here I'm not finished I quickly severed your head

And hung it on the wall in the cottage Next to the black rhino And the eco-poop Get out of here Do you mind Out you freak God I'll never forget

As I stuffed your intestines With raisins and oatmeal And eat them as a sausage Over the campfire Get out! Good Lord I am so sorry That is just vile

I tried to end the show on a positive note Why do we let that guy in here, Roger? I'm sorry, okay Well, before we go I guess I should end with one more blast of let's get it rolling here we go i hope you like it uh don't forget to call me if you catch yourself humming it i know you either hate me or you love me right now 888 500 2090

uh don't forget you can catch me in new jersey april 28 29th and 30th uh go to harlem williams dot com click on my stand-up schedule and if you live in the new york area or the jersey area come check me out live um don't forget to go to stitcher dot com pick up uh the harland highway for your cell phone it's a free app and don't forget to go to the harland uh williams dot com um website go into our store and pick up my book the things you don't know you don't know i think you'll get a real laugh out of that and uh that's it we're seven seconds away from the end of the show. So don't forget, let me know if my experiment worked.

Will you be humming this song in the next five days? Call me and let me know. 888, 52090. Until then, seven seconds worth of chicken chow main, baby! Thank you, no, it's not a second, this is more than a second-seeking away, just as long as I stay.