The Harland Highway - PODCAST 257

Episode Date: April 18, 2011

President Obama wants the rich to pay more, BBQ Eddy, are you into yoga? golf nerds, accused of being high. Twirly wirly twist ties!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Sweet hot, sticky cinnamon buns. Yeah, that's right. It's the Harland Highway. I don't know what that whole cinnamon bun thing meant, but it felt like a deluctible, enticing way to start the show. Welcome to the Harland Highway. It's me, your host, Harlan Williams. Have you ever been accused of being stoned or high or tripping out?

Well, we're going to talk about that today. I have a few stories to tell you. where I had the finger pointed at me. Barbecue Eddie is here. We're going to be talking about yoga. Have any of you done the yoga thing? I'm going to get into the whole Obama thing, a little bit of a more serious rant.

I hope you don't mind. I hope you'll indulge it. But the whole notion of Obama charging rich people, more taxes, trying to spread their wealth around, really gets under my skin. I'm going to go off on it later on there. show so it's a bit of the funny a bit of the serious today we're also going to get into golf fans are you like a golf nerd fan some of the things that go on on the golf course just kind of get under

my skin too but all in all it's going to be a fun provocative show roll down the window put on the air conditioning open the sunroof you are cruising down the harland Welcome to the Harland Highway. You fellas been doing a bit of booze and have you? Sucking back on Grandpa's old cough medicine. There's an element of uncontrolled chaos. The Harland Highway. Serving everyone from presidents and kings to the scum of the earth.

What a treat. Oh, wait. Was you a great big fat person? You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. You need many years of therapy. Hey, Harlan. from bed first, just do me.

You might want to think twice before sticking your penis in there. Just do me. You're riding down the Harland Highway with Harlan Williams. Hey, it's Harlan Williams rolling with you down the Harland Highway.

Hold on, someone's at the door. Oh, hey, what are you doing here? Williams, uh, I want to have a talk Uh, well, I'm in the middle of my show I don't care, Williams Well, hey, you're the boss I mean

You run the station You're damn right, I do We're gonna have a talk, Williams Uh, well, okay, uh, have a seat Don't tell me I'd have a seat I bought those chairs, you little What do you want to talk to me about? You went on the air for what?

Six months now? Yeah, roughly, yeah. boss to employ i want you to look me right in the eye and tell me truthfully what's the matter with you what are you talking about don't give me that horse crap what's the matter with you i mean up there in your head look i'm just doing this show you guys don't sass me boy are you on drugs what are you talking are you cranked up on mushrooms look don't Are you cranked on crystal myth right now? Because if you are, I swear to.

Look, I'm not on anything. You were munching down on some X. Okay, you know what? I'm not going to be on the air and get accused by my own boss. I know cocaine when I see it. Well, there's none of that around here, sir. And how dare you... Oh, yeah, I know the white pony.

Okay, you know what, this conversation is over. I got my eye on you, Williams. you ain't right now I know I got you in a year contract and I can't get out of it legally but I'm watching you Williams well you should have thought of all this

before you hired me all right I don't do any of that crap and I will not you will just shut it good day Williams wait a minute unbelievable that is

that is on the job harassment accusing me of all that stuff. I don't know, nothing wrong with me. I'm normal. Right? Right. Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Is there anyone there? Hello? Is there anyone there? Hello? Hello? Do you ever have that? You ever have someone accuse you of being on drugs? Yeah, I've had it. I've had it.

I mean, you know, when I was a kid, I talked slow. I think my speech has gotten a little faster over the years. But definitely as I was growing up, I always kind of talked slow. And in high school, my nickname by a lot of the kids was stoner. They just assumed I was stoned all the time. And then when I got to. college i'll never forget one time i got in an altercation with one of my uh my drawing teachers my life drawing teachers we're sitting there drawing nudes okay nude people and i got into this

little thing with a guy sitting beside me and my teacher came running over and we had some words and he just looked at me and he goes are you stoned no no tell me are you stoned are you high First of all, just the fact that he's a teacher, and he asked me that. And then I say, no. And then he has to double check it. He goes, no, no, no, really? Tell me, are you stoned? Are you high?

Right? And no, I was not. And then I'll never forget this. I remember this. One time I was at a hockey game in Toronto at the old Maple Leaf Gardens. And it was the weirdest thing. I was there, you know, these are like my rocker years. I had long hair.

I had the cut off sleeves on my black t-shirt, my tight jeans, right? We're at the hockey game, and we stand up, we're cheering or something, and as I sat down, I hammered my elbow, my funny bone, right into the wooden arm of the chair. You've all hit your funny bone, you know, when you hit your elbow right on that sweet spot and your whole arm goes numb? Well, I don't know what it was, but the numbness, the spinning sensation

went right up my arm and into my head. So it's like my whole body started going numb. I don't know why. To this day, I don't know why. And I was like, holy God, I don't feel good. I feel lightheaded. And so I left my seat and I wandered up towards the hallway. And I'm like, I got to get to the bathroom, man.

I don't feel well. And I'm walking down this big hallway. You know where all the hot dog vendors are and the beer vendors and all the people are walking out? It's a hockey game. There's 20,000, 30,000 people there. And I see the sign for the bathroom. And it's one of these things where it's like, you know, 50 feet away. And as I'm walking, it's like an Alfred Hitchcock shot in a movie.

You know, sometimes he like focuses in on someone in the foreground and then he just pulls the camera back and it looks like the hallway is stretching. It's like, right? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, right? And all of a sudden, the entrance way to the bathroom just went, I was like as in a Hitchcock Stanley Kubrick movie. and all of a sudden everything started to sparkle and tingle

and then it went white and I passed out. I passed out in the hallway, right? Completely blanked out. I wake up, I come to, and there's like this crotchety old security guard and suddenly I'm in the men's room. And he's like, got his arms around my shoulders and underneath my armpits and he's propping me up.

And as I wake up, all I can hear is, What's the matter, kid, huh? What are you doing, kid? You cranked up on drugs or something, huh? What are you on, kid? What are you on? Come on, what the hell you think you're doing? What are you high on?

Like, right away, he assumed I was, like, cranked up on something. And so, once again, accused of doing the goofy stuff. So I don't know if you've ever been accused, but it's always interesting when you definitely have not even been near it. You don't even do it. And somebody thinks you're that guy. So there you go. And now I accuse you of not laughing because this bit has gone on too long.

Let's get back to the funny. I watched a little golf on the weekend. They got some pretty nerdy fans. I got to say one thing that annoys me about golf fans is, they talk to the ball. Yeah, someone does a pot, and halfway to the pot, a bunch of losers in the crowd are like, get in the hole!

Get in the hole! Get in the hole! Get in the hole! Like the golf ball's listening. What? What's that? Get in the hole? Oh, my God, a better course correct.

Here we go. There, Plunk. How's that? How annoying? in the hole. Send you to the loony bin. You sound like a freak talking to a golf ball. Get in the hole.

Get in the hole. I hate to be around those people when they watch a porno movie. You're listening to Harlan Williams. Get in the hole. Get in the hole. Harlan. What's up, buddy, Joseph out here in Chino. Love your podcast.

Just heard one of your podcasts. But you mess me up, buddy. You messed me up big time. We're talking about the $2 bills, $2, $2 for $10. I want it in. I want it in bad. It didn't leave me the phone number. How dare you play an ad of such greatness and not leave me the phone number?

I don't know. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know if I should be a Harlan Highway hitchhiker or not. Oh, well, guess I'll just have to wait and see. Mm-hmm. Uh-huh. Well, hey, you know what? If I don't leave you the phone number, just go out and spend $10 on $2. How's that? I want to talk about something that happened last week a few days ago. President Obama goes on the air and he starts talking about the economy, he starts talking about, fiscal responsibility.

He starts talking about taxes. He starts talking about trimming the budget and cutbacks and blah, blah, blah. And one of the things, it's a reoccurring theme in his presidency, is taxing the rich. Okay? Taxing the rich, anyone who makes over 250 grand gets taxed more money so that we can spread it around to the people that don't make 250,000. now I don't know what you make I'm not going to tell you what I make there's rich people out there's poor people there's people in between but I got to tell you man I am not a fan of what

he's proposing okay this this is a country built on you can work as hard as you want or as little as you want it's all up to you the initiative is on you and if you work work your butt off for 24 hours a day for 20 years and you make millions of dollars, God bless you for kicking ass. If you work 24-7 for 20 years and don't make millions of dollars, in fact, you don't do very well or even you lose money, God bless you too. You took the initiative. You took the risk.

That's what this country's built on. That's what capitalism is built on. but to say that, you know, somebody works really hard, whether it's Bill Gates or Brad Pitt or Angelina Jolie or the guy who invented Kleenex, you know, is forced to spread the wealth around, to hand it off to other people is just to me inexcusable. It's wrong, and I just don't believe in it.

Now, before I go any further, obviously with any legislation, with any rule of law, with any proposed initiatives on the table by politicians. I'm not going to pretend I know the small print. I'm not going to pretend I know every detail, every in and out, every up and down. I'm not a politician. I'm not an investigative reporter. I don't have a degree in political science. So I'm just talking about what's on the surface. I'm sure there's people out there that have a much deeper knowledge of the issue, and you're probably going, ah, Harlan, by the way, it's dot, dot, dot, and blah, blah, and you don't know the whole picture. Well, I'm basing what I'm about to say on what I do know, and I won't

pretend to be a genius on the matter, but I at least know that I have feelings on the matter, and I want to share them with you, okay? Now, I don't know how you people feel about spreading the wealth but I'm a guy that gives to charity I do a lot of charity work I think it's important to spread your money around to help people that need it but I like to be the guy that chooses where it goes okay and if we live in a country where a lot of the people know that if they do jack crap and sit around and watch TV and go down to the racetrack and fly a kite in the park If they know that there's a payday at the end of it, how many of those people do you think are just going to take advantage of that? Okay?

How many people, if they know they're entitled to money, if they know that they're going to get part of the rich people's money, why should they go out and work? Hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex? No? Yes. Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse.

Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy, all will be packaged and sent discreetly for free and fast. Don't wait. Better Sex is just a click away. That's 50% off, one item, and free shipping.

Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harlan to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. So let's take, for example, just so we can put a face on this, let's say it's you.

Okay? Let's say that you have $100,000 and let's just pretend that's a lot of money. Okay? And let's say, and I'm hoping you can relate to this, you look at your family, you look at your cousins, you look at your brothers, you look at your sisters, you look at your second cousins, you look at your grandparents, you look at your nieces and nephews, everyone in your immediate and extended family. Now look at all those people in your family and ask yourself, how many of them have a bust-ass attitude? How many of them have high aspirations in life? How many of them have set high goals? How many of them love to work?

How many of them have ambition and dreams and objectives in life? Or how many of them are just like, hey, I went to school, I got a degree, I want to raise a family, as long as I can eat and go to the movies, I'm good. Or how many of you actually have people in your family that are like, oh man, my welfare check didn't come in. I don't want to work. I'm stuck down at the bank. I hate working there.

I'm in the mail room. I mean, life sucks, man. Or how many of you have people that just, like, sit on the couch and don't work at all? I don't have to do anything, man. Throw another pork chop on the barbecue. My welfare check's coming in. Why should I work? I'll just sit in the backyard with my old, you know, 83 Chevy.

I'll work under the hood for a while. go down to the pub, have some beers with the boys, smoke some grass. But yet, there's you. You love going into work. You love figuring things out. You love making money. You love getting a paycheck. You love being creative.

Blah, blah, blah. The list goes on. So let's see you've got that $100,000. Do you think you should turn around and put your whole family in a line and go, here's some for you? Ambitious, Sally? Here's some for you, not so ambitious, Charlie. Here's some of my paycheck for you, slovenly Billy, who doesn't do anything.

Here's some for you, booze drinking unemployable Charlie. Here's a big piece of my paycheck. Until at the end of the line, you've given away 40 to 50% of your paycheck to these people just because they didn't match what you did in life. okay and so in a way you are punishing the guy that had the ambition

or the girl that had the dream and I just don't see the fairness in that if people want to give money to a charitable cause if money can go to to people that really need it great but just to dole it out willy-nilly

to all of society not knowing who's his lap it lands in. I'll be honest, if I have a bummy neighbor living beside me and he doesn't cut the mustard and he's a lazy ass and he'd rather be at home partying with his

girlfriend in her bikini and smoking joints and watching TV, I don't want to give that loser a cent. Why? I'm up every morning at 7 a.m. and I go to bed at midnight working and keeping all kinds of irons in the fire

and enjoy what I do, and I'm giving some to that guy, and maybe the other guy up the street? I just don't think that's right. What's next? The government, you know, you buy a 20-acre farm because you love farms, and the government goes, you know what? You've got 20 acres. All you really need is an acre, so we're going to give a bunch of acres to these people that really can't afford an acre. I mean what the hell And here's the thing with human beings people Everybody in life has their lot cut out for them

Everyone in life is delta hand that either fate hands them Or they worked hard to change There's going to be Uber rich people There's going to be people that are partway rich There's going to be people that are poor. And we put the word class on it, low class, middle class, upper class. However you want to label it, that's just human nature. Some people are born with extreme gifts like Bill Gates who invented, you know, computers,

to the guys that created the Internet, to the guys that invented, you know, silicone chips, to the guys that invented insulin. and certain people in life are gifted with extraordinary abilities. You know, if Hemingway can write a book, then so be it good for him. You know what? I'll be the first to say it. I wish I was born with his talent, but I get it. I'm not.

So maybe I'm great at fixing cars. That's my specialty. That's my lot in life. Maybe I'm good at dealing cards in Vegas. You know, I make a little money at what I do. Do I look at other actors and other comedians? Do I wish I had the money Bill Mar had as a comedian? Do I wish I had the money Brad Pitt has as an actor?

Sure, man, that'd be sweet. But do I deserve what they made? No. If they tried to offer me that money, I'd say no. I didn't earn that money. That's not mine. That's yours. You know, and I got to say

There's one thing about seeing people that are rich It makes people like me And maybe people like you have aspiration It makes me have belief, it makes me have hope It makes me go, wow You know, if I just put the pedal to the metal If I apply myself, maybe I can be that guy Maybe I can get there

And even if I don't get there At least I can look at myself in the mirror And say, I tried I went for it, What pride do you have sitting on the couch and halfway through the day you get up, you go look in the mirror and you say, oh, I'm proud of myself. You know why? Because I ate chips today.

I watched a soap opera. And I went to the mailbox and got a check from a bunch of other people who went to work today. And let's face it, you guys, let's call a spade a spade. There are a crap ton of people in the same. this country and every country in the world who would love nothing more than to not go to work or have to bust a sweat and just have a handout, right? If some guy handed me $1,000, some anonymous guy that I didn't know said, here's $10,000, I'd love it.

Of course I'd love it. You know, if you don't question the source, if you don't question where it came from, but, you know, that's what America's all about. trying to climb the mountain, trying to set your aspirations. Remember the old saying, keeping up with the Joneses? Some of that was ego-driven, but some of it was also a sense of competitiveness. You know, humans inherently are competitive people. And it's that competitiveness that probably drives innovation in this country.

It drives people to innovate and be creative and come up with new things. If we end up in the world that Obama wants where, you know what, we're going to take care of everyone. Don't worry about it. Don't you think you're just enabling people to be slackers and sit back on their ass? And for those of you listening right now that are pulling all these words out of your ass, like socialism and communism and he's a Democrat, he's a Republican, uh-uh, it ain't going to fly. You can't stick any of your labels to what I'm saying because none of it's political. It's all just social commentary.

And I can be talking about India, I could be talking about Australia, I could be talking about England, but no, I'm talking about here. It's just about people, the mentality of people, and the levels that people rise to or sink to as individuals and as a society. So there's my rant. You know, look, in a perfect world, I wish everyone was loaded. I've had portions in my life where all I could afford literally was borrowing money from friends so I could get a plate of French fries to live, to eat for that day.

One plate of French fries. But you know what? In my heart, in my mind, I was like, this is a phase. You know, this is making me hungry. I'm physically hungry. I'm mentally hungry. There's going to come a day when I rise up out of this. And this is just pushing me.

This is fueling me. This is making me want to strive to make a difference to take care of myself, my future family, whatever. Make some money. Give that money to people that needed in my family. Give that money to people that were hit by a tsunami. Give that people to the World Wildlife Federation. Whatever I want to do with it. Okay?

I don't need some politician reaching into my pocket and allocations. my funds to places I don't even know about, giving it to people that are just picking their nose. Unbelievable. So, you know, it's you make some of your own luck. You work for some of your own luck. Some of us are just plain lucky. But that's the nature of the beast, man. That's what makes life unpredictable.

That's what makes life fun. And, you know, for everyone who thinks, say well it's no fun not having money and uh you know what some of the best times in your life are when you don't have money you know money's great to to cover your needs but as long as you're you're doing okay and you can feed yourself and you got a roof over your head it's not that horrible um and look it's never wrong to help the destitute and the downtrodden of course But that's not where all this money goes to that Obama wants to spread it around. And that's what's kind of sickening.

You're almost creating a society of couch potatoes where you're knocking the initiative out of people. You're knocking the sparkle out of their eye because they don't have to do anything. And in the meantime, you're probably getting some people that had ambition or that are rich or we're striving to be rich going, you know what, why be rich? Why try to invent the cure for cancer? Why try to invent the automobile that gets 7,000 miles to the gallon?

Why try to invent the next Mars probe, huh? I mean, A, I'm just going to give it all away because the government's going to force me and why do I have to work so hard when they're taking care of me? So anyways, I think it's a dangerous ride. It's that slippery slope thing. um you know and i'm ranting a little bit here i'll shut up but you know it it kind of jumped out at me when i saw the guy talking and uh this is america man

let people chase their dreams and do their things and hope for the best and stop enabling uh everyone who uh can't get their ass in gear to receive a free handout I don't want to sound like a crotchety old stingy man And that's not what this is all about It's just about you know This is supposed to be the land of the free You're free to make money You should be free to spend your money where you want

You shouldn't The government of all people Who's supposed to protect freedom Should not be taking your money And giving it to the guy next door With the old car on his front yard And sleeping on his couch all day Well I'm at work

all right i've said it enough i'm starting to repeat myself i get fired up man oh so there you go um maybe i just need to go relax go have a beer with someone huh this is eddie he wants to party but they just hang up hello hey man how's it going with this is Uh, it's Eddie Eddie? Eddie? Yeah. Who are you calling? Just wanted to see if maybe wanted to grab a barbecue or something. Grab a beer?

Who are you trying to reach? Just looking for someone to have a beer with or fire up the barbecue, you know? Can't help you, pal. What about some, uh, real... Oh, hey, what the hell? What the hell? That was Eddie. He wants to party.

But they just hang up. God, Eddie. God, he just cheers me up. All right, that guy, that slacker I would give some money to, okay? He's just so likable. Well, that whole rant, that just kind of got me all fired up. I'll ten stop. Just, you know, I'm sure we all have issues that get under our skin. Thank you for hearing me out.

Maybe you shut me off halfway through. Just speak of my peace of mind, remember, it's not political. It's just based on society. Oh, look, I'm all tense. I need to loosen up. I need to relax here. Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever. It's the kind of music they play when you do yoga.

Anybody do yoga? It ain't for me, man, but let me tell you, it does have its benefits. Oh, my God. Okay, my girlfriend has been doing it for like nine months. She's been doing the yoga. And you should hear it. She goes, oh, I feel so flexible. I'm so flexible.

And she is flexible, man. I mean, it is great. Like, for example, the other day, she was in the living room having coffee with her mother. Okay? And I was able to bend her torso around into the hall and do the nasty. And her mother was none the wiser. I mean, it was great. She just sat there chatting away, and I'm in the hallway, having fun, got her up against the wall.

Hello! Hello! Hey, yoga bear here. Hello. Oh, yeah. The other night, I was laying in bed. They were all nice and warm. I wanted something out of the fridge.

I said, honey, will you grab me a drink? Her body stretched under the crack in the door, went out into the kitchen, opened the fridge. Her arms stretched in and grabbed me a beer and right back into bed like a rubber band. It's like that guy from the Fantastic Four, man. Reed Richards. Oh, yeah, yoga.

Get into it, people. you're going to find new places you've never seen on your own body before. You'll just be bending around looking at everything. I hope you find happiness. I know I did. Out in the hallway. Oh, yoga bear here. Hey, hey, hey, on the Harland Highway.

Gosh, yogi. Hey, it's the end of the show, boo-boo. Oh, that's not very good, yogi. Hey, yes it is. It's the end of the show. We ended on a nice, positive, relaxing, introspective yoga note. And, you know, my apologies if I got a little too serious there for a minute, but that's part of what this experience is.

It's stimulating for me to do the comedy, to goof around, to, you know, make you laugh. But I also like to express opinions. when things jump out at me that are, you know, of importance or at least of importance to me. And I like to share that with you guys, you know. It's more of a well-rounded experience, I hope, for you. I know it is for me.

And there you go. But if you want to get back to seeing me just be funny all the time, and you're going to be in the New Brunswick, New Jersey area, okay? On April 28th, 29th, and 30th, New Brunswick, New Jersey, you can catch me at the Stress Factory Comedy Club. You can get tickets at 732-545-42-42-42. That's 732-5-45-4-2-42. or just go to the Harlandwilliams.com website and click on the stand-up schedule,

and you can click right through and buy your tickets online. That is April 28th, 29th, 30th, the Stress Factory Comedy Club. I hear it's a great club. It's my first time there. Really looking forward to it. So get your tickets in advance. Wow. Okay, well, that is all the time we have for today.

I hope you enjoyed the show. Hope you had some laughs. Hope you had a chance to have some insight. You can agree or disagree with my opinions. That's the beauty of it. You can always call me and tell me about it. 888, 52090. Don't forget harlowe Williams.com in our web store.

You can pick up my book. The things you don't know, you don't know. It's full of incredible facts. Like, did you know that marshmallows are just ghost turds? Did you know that your arioli on your breasts, on your nipples can be peeled off and used to patch inner tubes and air mattresses? Mm-hmm. Yeah, that's true. So it's all in the book, the things you don't know, you don't know.

You can order it on the site. I personally autograph it. makes a great gift, makes a good funny read before you go to sleep at night. Check it out. Check it out. And that's it, man. I hope you had a good time. Love having you here.

Thank you for coming along. Tell your friends about the Harlan Highway. Until next time, as always, a nice big plate of warm chicken chameen, baby. Instead, it's a basic reflection of our belief that those who, benefited most from our way of life can afford to give back a little more can afford to give can afford to give can afford to give a little bit more little bit more little bit more those who benefited most those who benefited most who benefited most who benefited a little bit more can afford to give a little bit more little bit more can afford to give a little bit more back a little bit more little bit more I wasn't really sure what's going on 19 19 19 19 a little bit more can afford to give a little bit more can afford to give back a little more A little bit more, a little bit more.