The Harland Highway - PODCAST 259

Episode Date: April 22, 2011

Fatties at the gym, A celebrity guest drops by the studio for a chat, tax the rich, Dr. Ascot. Fold my sheet face!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Oh, yeah, podcast here, giving us fun. Yeah, we're going to have fun today. So drink your Kool-Aid, get in the hammock, and let's start listening. Hey, everybody, it's me, Harlow Williams, here on the Hall on Hawa. Thank you very much. Wild show today, man. We got some cool stuff. We're going to be talking about fat people at the gym.

Yeah, fat people at the gym. We're going to be getting into some politics a little bit. I got an interesting email from someone regarding a rant I did about President Obama handing out rich people's money to everyone else. So that is a cool email I'm going to talk about. And then we have a very special guest today. This is the beginning of quite a number of interviews to come through over the next few weeks. My celebrity guest friend is here. I won't tell you who it is.

He's interesting, he's entertaining, he's provocative. You might love him, you might hate him, but nonetheless, fun to talk to, great to listen to, good stories, revealing, interesting. I think you're going to like it. And then, of course, it's the second Friday, and that means it's time for me to do my therapy session with Dr. Ascott.

Good Lord, I want to jump off a building here on the Harlan Highway. Welcome to the Harland Highway. You fellas been doing a bit of booze and have you? Sucking back on Grandpa's old cough medicine. There's an element of uncontrolled chaos. The Harland Highway. Serving everyone from presidents and kings to the scum of the earth. What a treat.

Oh, wait. Was you a great big fat person? You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. You need many years of therapy. Hey, Harlan, it's Stephanie from Bedford. It's do me. You might want to think twice before sticking your penis in there.

Just do me. You're riding down the Harland Highway with Harlan Williams. All right, everybody. This is me, Harland Williams, here on the Harlan Highway with you. And I'm so excited. I'm very genuinely excited. my favorite people here, one of the few people in Hollywood that really, really makes me laugh so much that it hurts. And we're going to talk about that when we get going here. But this isn't

about just making you laugh. We're going to talk about some heart-to-heart things. We're going to talk about funny things, serious things. He's my buddy. You know him. You love him. Andrew Dick is here. Hello. Can I call you Andrew? Yeah, well, my mom used to call me Andrew when she'd be mad at me. Oh, well, I'm not mad at you. Well, no, I'm just happy you're here. Do I seem mad?

I thought you were because you called me Andrew. I am a little agitated. Why? Well, I don't know. I just, I don't know. But what if I called you Andrew Zachary Dick? Is that your middle name? No, it's Roan.

R-O-A-N-E, Rone. Andrew, Rone, Dick. That's a cool name. Rone. Yeah. That's got to have. have a hidden meaning like rising sun or flaming waffle what what

what does roan mean that's unbelievable flaming fact no it's it's it's like my great aunt's last name or something like that roan do you know the only reason i'm even here in l.a i'm going to take these headphones off they don't look good on you look like princess lea with glasses yeah just not that's not the look for you that's what was making me

angry now that they're off everything I feel good not so agitated yeah wow nice when I'm out here in L.A. because I had I had a relative die that I had never met and she did not have a will and she must have been made of

money because when she died when you don't have a will it goes into probate and it gets just spread around to all the relatives and I was like a distant like cousin you know so I wasn't even very closely related to her. So I got like

one eighth of one-sixteenth of one-tenth of whatever her fortune was, which turned out to be $10,000. Wait a minute. I was expecting, like, you said she was very wealthy. I was expecting $10 million. $10,000 is a lot.

That's a lot of money to an 18-year-old. That's true. It was just enough for me to buy a car for $1,000 and take the rest of it and move out here. So now you're down to nine and it probably took you about 300 and gas to get out of here. So now you're down to 8,700.

You get cut right to it. The money was gone in like three months. Three months? It was like three to six months. Can I say three days, made? Did you stop a Burger King? That's another $7. Okay.

Anyways, I'm here. You're here. You're welcome. I am welcome. And thank you to whoever, whatever her name was. You didn't even know who this wonderful saint left you a mother load? She must not have been that much of a, wonderful saint because she didn't have a will and nobody knew her nobody she she was a

recluse almost like you up here in this castle i know well wait a minute let's i i felt like you just sidestepped the mystery aunt i mean i don't know her there's nothing to talk about i've never met her i'm here 10 000 bucks i'm here thank you mrs rome well we have to know now what what the the full sum of the money was i mean you said it got broken down to thousands of people I think it was it was millions so yeah it was millions I'm guessing if I got $10,000 Wow what if her name was Fannie Mae You ever hear that the Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae

What if she was Fannie Mae That's where all the money is And she broke it down Here's here's a quick This brings up a question Okay you'll know the answer to this We've got this damn economy right And everybody's out on their ass

And then you got these philanthropists, like, you know, Bill Gates and Warren Buffett and all these people. I just saw the social network. Is Mark Zuckerberg on that list? He could be a philanthropist. I think he's giving money to people, yeah. Well, here's the deal. These guys give away billions of dollars. They give away, let's say, $12 billion.

Yeah. So they give away $12 billion. There's only $300 million people in the United States. So why not give a million dollars to $300? million people. If you can afford to give away billions, surely you can give away 300 million. So 300 million, that means you would give away, are you saying a million dollars to 300 people? Oh, it's only 300 people. No, 300 million people. Oh, so, but if, so a billion dollars, by the way, is only a thousand millions. Did you know that? I looked it up recently.

Oh, it is. I looked it out. So I'm way out to lunch here. Yeah, you're not right. Wow. I looked it up, though, literally looked it up yesterday. I'm like, how much is a billion? Because Mark Zuckerberg is worth six or seven billion, but Facebook, his company is worth 25 billion. And I'm like, I'm like, you know, a billion is a million millions, but it's not. I want that money.

It's a thousand million. So if he had a billion dollars, he'd be able to give a million dollars to just a thousand people. That's not a lot of people. We should start a Facebook for teenagers and call it Zit Facebook. Me and you will make a killing. What do you think? I'm into it. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah, indeed. Andy Dick, everybody. I just love talking to Andy. You never know what he's going to come up with. That's the first part of my long interview with Andy. I don't know if you're a fan or you're not a fan, but either way, a provocative interview, to say the least, I'm going to keep the interview gone over the next two weeks. And, you know, we get into some really cool stuff.

We get into some funny stuff, but we even get into areas that are, you know, even touchy. You know, we even get to some places where, you know, Andy talks about his business. drinking, he talks about his shenanigans, he talks about suicide, he talks about a lot of cool things. And there's a lot of humor and a lot of wearing his heart on his sleeve throughout these interviews. So hang in for the next couple of weeks, and we are going to be featuring my chit chats with a really funny guy who puts it all out there, Andy Dick. and like I said, you may like them, you may not like them. By the end of the interviews, maybe you will like them if you didn't like them,

or maybe you won't like them if you did like them. Who knows, but a lot of fun. My thanks to Andy, so hang him for the next few weeks because we're going to be hearing it all right here on the Harlan Highway. One, two, One more, one more, one more. Three. Yeah.

The gym. Who goes to the gym, man? Who goes through that holy hell? That torture. Trying to get ripped. And you know you don't got a chance in hell. Still you go. You pull your lazy ass to the gym and you go work out.

And then you stop a McDonald's on the way home. Yeah. Well, if I go to the gym, I should be able to eat a Big Mac. I mean, it all balances out, and then, yeah, way to go, genius. And to make it even worse, and I know you've all seen this, man. There's that one guy or that one girl who's dressed in quote-unquote gym wear, you know, a headband and a cut-off shirt, the sleeves are cut off, and they got the tight pants and the tight shorts.

They get the weightlifter's belt. The only problem is they look like Rush Limbaugh. You know what I mean? Like a big fatty with a toupee. And he's maybe like 15 years too old to be in a gym and like 25 years too old to be even attempting to wear some of that clothing. And you're just like, how does that person not get it? Everyone in the gym can see.

You're a nightmare. They don't know. How do they not know? gyms are full of mirrors. Everyone's standing there, gawking at themselves. What's wrong with that one bad dresser gym guy who you look at them and you go, this is why I came to the gym. I never want to look like you, but they're oblivious.

They just think they're cool and everything's all right. I don't know. It's enough to make you want to cancel your membership, isn't it? Uh-huh. Yeah, you ever get the guys at the gym too? that sweat way more than anyone else, right? And they're like on a Nautilus machine. They're on the bench press or the pull-up

or the chest twizzler, the Korean toenail lifter. I don't know what these machines are. And you got your eye on this guy and he's huffing and puffing away. And you're like, come on, dude, I don't care about your fitness. I care about my fitness.

I don't care if you die tomorrow. I care about if you know you got that it's like come on you're already fat the odds of you sticking with your gym membership the odds of you ever losing the way you look come on just get out of the way let me do it I'm four pounds lighter than you I at least have a chance and then finally they get off the equipment and you go off finally you go running over and you're like you start you start you stop and you look at the leather seat

where the person was sitting and there's a big wet patch of sweat it looks like the shrouded Turin or it looks like somebody literally like dumped a jug of water on the leather and you're like oh god I can't sit on that if I sit on that my clothing

is going to absorb that sweat stain, or my flesh is going to touch that salty, warm sweat water, you know what, screw it, I'm going for a pizza. I mean, really, isn't that just a pain in the ass? You make the effort, you put on the gym stuff, you get there, you pass up a party on Saturday night, you know, no, I'm going to be good, I'm going to go to the gym, you get there and you got to deal with that. Some big, hairy, chubby guy leaves a giant sweat.

You're like, screw this. Give me a milkshake, a pack of cigarettes. And let me go stand in an x-ray machine. See how much cancer I can get. Anything but this shroud of Turin sweat stain. I mean, you know there's a lot of moisture there when you look and you think you can see polywog swimming around. On the leather seat.

I mean, that guy left a lot of water. There's an ecosystem. There's lily pads on the Nautilus machine, on the chest press. Good Lord. I don't need it. So there you go. For all you guys that leave water, why don't you invest in some sponge underpants and do us all a favor?

Hello. Hello, there, Mr. Harlan Williams on Harlan. highway. Thank you for getting that stupid song stuck in my stupid head. Have a great day, Canadian brother. Call from Calgary. I love it. In case you don't know what that listener was referring to, last week I played kind of a cruel trick on you guys. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes. Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants

to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority, plus 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy, I will be packaged and sent discreetly for free and free. Fast. Don't wait. Better Sex is just a clickaway. That's 50% off, one item, and free shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harlan to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and a 100% free shipping

code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. I kept dropping in a riff from a song by Nana Cherry and I said, you know what? You guys are going to get this stuck in your head. We're getting out there We're seven seconds waiting. And I know a lot of you hummed it or are still humming it. And this was one of the guys, one of my Canadian buddies from Canada. And I guess I got him. But I love the way he goes, thank you for getting that stupid song stuck in my stupid head. Thank you for getting that stupid song stuck in my stupid head.

I know there's more of you out there. If you want to call and tell me about it, you can. 888, 500, 2090. Oh, I knew that experiment would work. I love playing with your minds, people. Haven't you figured it out? This is all just a big mind trick. Not really.

But I appreciate the feedback from Calgary. And here's some more feedback. This is a great letter that I got. Because outside of calling me, you can also write me at harlemwilms.com. And, you know, every now and then I touch on politics. And it's always a risky thing to approach because people are so sensitive about their politics.

People can get very passionate. People can be blinded by their politics and just go into a rage. You know, no matter what you say, I don't matter how much sense you make or lack of sense you make. People will get tipped off at your point of view. And, you know, sometimes it's just a question of your affiliation. Well, whatever.

That guy's a Democrat. That guy's a Republican. You know. So I'm always a little hesitant to, you know, express any political views. But I figure it's a fun thing to do. and, you know, if nothing else, I share my thoughts and opinions with you people here. I never claim to be right about anything. It's all just food for thought here on the highway.

But I got a great letter from a guy. Recently I did a thing about how Obama seems to want to tax the rich, and he wants to spread the wealth around, and he thinks it's perfectly normal and legitimate to grab wealthy people's money and just give it away and hand it off to other people and blah, blah, blah. So I did quite a long rant about it. And I got this response from a guy named Tom, and I thought it was a great letter because he wasn't attacking,

he wasn't being angry, he just had a great point of view, and I thought I got to read this and address this. So here we go. This is from Tom. It says, hi, Harland. First, I'll say I love the podcast in every movie. have been in. Okay. Second, I appreciate your views on Obama's tax plans, but I don't appreciate the way you lumped all people who would benefit from this plan as lazy-ass couch potatoes.

With unemployment over 8%, there are a lot of people who want to work but can't find jobs. That 8% plus number is comprised of people who are currently looking for work but can't find it. I know several people who make up that 8% plus. These are people who are hard workers, well-educated, willing to do pretty much anything just to put food in their kids' mouths and don't want anything that they don't deserve. Many of these people don't even apply for unemployment until they have no other choice.

I also know people like you described, but far fewer, and I don't think it's fair, to lump everyone this plan would benefit into one group of lazy people. very articulate letter and you know what you kind of prove my point um you kind of hit on my point actually tom and maybe i didn't express myself properly maybe i didn't communicate it properly maybe you didn't listen properly i don't know let's not blame anybody but what i will say is my god man you are right okay um i was not of pointing the finger at people who have are dedicated and willing to work.

I mean, are you kidding? Most of the country is that group of people. You know, people should be commended for wanting to work. Of course there's people that are out of work that are dying to work that would do anything to work. There's people lining up at job fairs to get jobs for a percentage of what they normally make. They're almost degrading themselves and taking jobs that don't even come close to their skill

level or their pay level. So when I say that you made my point for me, what my rant about Obama giving money to people who aren't wealthy, taking from the wealthy and giving to people, it wasn't regular folks I was referring to, and maybe I didn't say it, I'm referring to that group of people that like to fleece the system, the people that could get up and work. should get up and work, but no, they're getting a handout, so they just milk the system. And they go, I should be like Bobby next door. He's out of work, too. That guy goes out every day. He goes down on the employment line. He's asking people in the neighborhood. He's phoned his relatives.

Anybody got some work. I want to feed my kids. I'm a hardworking, respectable guy. I'm an American citizen. I love to work. I want to work. I want to be a productive member of society. And the guy on the other side of the fence watches this and goes, man, what's he doing all the running around for, man? I'm sitting on my couch watching the biggest loser eating a pound cake. I'm holding a nice warm roast beef sandwich in my feet so that as soon as the pound cake's gone, I can just bring my knees up and start eating a corn on the cob and a roast beef sandwich. So, Tom, please understand. God bless you, man.

I was not referring to normal folks. Okay, my rant was Obama taking money from the rich who worked their asses off. You know, most rich people aren't just like trust fund babies. Most rich people are very aggressive. Most rich people are determined and have dreams and they create things. And then they in turn create jobs for other people. I was referring not to the people that want to get out and do something and give it their all and put in an honest effort. I was referring to the people that just bum around and feel entitled to being paid and don't want to work and have the ability to work and do it.

Those are the group of lazy-ass people I was referring to. So please forgive me if you interpret it as something else. or I'll forgive you for interpreting it for something else. It's just one of those things. But hopefully, if you go back and listen to it again, maybe you'll hear it in there somewhere. And maybe I left it out. So that's why I wanted to read your letter

and certainly not want to offend hardworking, honest people with integrity who get out there and work. And, you know, I'm still going to stand by what I said. I don't think Obama has the right to distribute wealthy people's money, even to hardworking people, as you described in your letter. I'm one of those people. I don't want some rich guy's money, okay? That guy earned it.

That guy took all the risk. That guy did something in life that brought him to that money that he deserves. The best I can do is look at him as an example and go, man, if that guy can do it, I can do it. that's what's possible in this country and that's the opportunity that waits out there for all of us and any hardworking individual can get there if they apply themselves so there you go a little bit of an email debate

I hope we're all cool Tom you don't feel free to write me back if I miss something here I hope I cleared it up if not I should just go to the gym and dunk my head and a big pool of fat guy sweat. So there you go. Problem solved. And speaking of problem solved, good Lord. It's the second Friday of this month. As you know, every other Friday I have to do my on-air therapy session with Dr. Ascott.

Because the powers that be here think I'm a loose cannon. They're worried I'll say something stupid. and the podcast will uh go through litigation so i have to prove it make a public spectacle of myself so uh much to my chagrin here we go my friday visit with dr ascot hello dr ascot hello alland Why are you grunting, Holland? I don't know. I'm just... What do...

Holland. What are we doing? Can we just get on with this? God. Holland. Stop saying my name, Ascot. Holland. What are we doing this session? Holland life is full of many different components, Holland. Okay, what does that mean?

Holland sometimes life can make you stressed sometimes life can make you confused okay I guess I got to agree with that do you find you have many different things going on at the same time in your life Holland yes I guess I do I'm what you'd call a multitasker yes you are Holland well how would you know I look at the reports, Arland. I study my patients very deeply, Arland. Deep, deep, deep. Stop it!

Arland, I want to know what are all the different components making up your life today, Arland. I don't know, I have my job, I have my friends, I have bills to pay, I have to travel, I've got family to deal with, I've got chores to do, I've got incomplete tasks that need to be done, letters to write. I mean, it just goes on and on and on, Arland. Yes. all of what you have to learn to do is take all the components together bring them together as one and put them in a certain harmony and make them digestible arland okay so you're saying i take all these things going on in my life that are causing me stress I kind of put them in order, so to speak,

and kind of ball them together as one unit so that they're palatable? Digestable, Arland. Exactly. You know what, Ascot? That kind of makes sense. Well, how do I do that? I want you to complete a little exercise for me, Arland, and that should do the trick. Okay, well, you know what?

I might actually feel good about this. A, it makes sense. B, you're not being weird and creepy. Oh, Lund. Well, you're not. This almost feels like it might be something I can take away from here. I like the way you said, take away, Allent. Well, thank you.

What is this exercise? Allan, what I want you to do is go out into the street today. I am going to give you a list of... tasks to complete. Okay, interesting. I want you to collect a series of things, of items. Okay. All over the city, I want you to go from one end of the city to the next, and bring all the items back, put them together as one, and find clarity, Arland. You know what, Ascot, I like this. Okay, give me the list. What do we got? Excellent, Allent. Here's the list. Why don't you take a quick look at it, but not too much, and get out of here quickly.

Well, wait a minute. Don't just push me out the door. I'd like to know where I'm going. Holland, why don't you just go, not ask a lot of questions, and come back as quickly as you can, let's say before. One o'clock. Okay, I can get back by lunchtime. Relaxed. You mind if I read the last? list if I'm going to read the list before I go out there if you must allan okay thank you okay so I'm gonna go out into the city what's this say two pieces of white bread okay interesting I get it you're going esoteric on me exactly Holland all right some baloney some salami some salami and some mustard. Yes, Arland.

Hot mustard. Okay, interesting. Okay. What else do we have here? Potato salad. Not the greasy kind with the big chunks, but the fine potato salad.

Okay, interesting. Yes, why don't you get going, Arland? It's almost one o'clock. Would you relax? I'm almost done the list. Yes, Holland. Let's see, what's this? A bottle of cream soda.

And for dessert, a chocolate cake? What does that mean? Dessert? Nothing, Holland. Please get going. Wait a minute. What is this? Two pieces of white bread?

What is this? Some mustard? Salami bologna. Is this your damn lunch menu, Gasco? Holland, just go and do the exercise. You want me to go get you your goddamn lunch? Arland, that's not what this is

about. Then what's what the chocolate cake for dessert, it says. It was just supposed to say chocolate cake, Arland. Dessert was a typo. Yeah, well, you tipped your hat, Ascot. And what's this business get it back here by one o'clock?

I'm hungry, Arland. I want my lunch. Get out of here. What about the drive-thru? Can you to the drive-thru for me all and get out of here go get your own luck making me go out to i'm pouring my heart and soul out here and you're making me get out of here what about something at seven eleven i know they have hot dogs get out god what an idiot can you believe that jerk gets me to pour out my heart and soul and the whole thing was just about me going out and getting his lunch what a how much longer do i have to do this crap with this moron unreal well i hate to end the show on

such a sour note god oh well let me just say thanks for joining thank thank god you don't have to sit down with dr ascot what a dillweed oh long get out Well, anyways, it was a good week. It was a great show. Thank you for being here. Keep in mind, please, and thank you. If you want to see me live doing some sweet stand-up comedy, you can check me out at the Stress Factory in New Jersey.

I'll be there April 28th, 29th, and 30th. Great club. It's my first time out there at the Stress Factory. If you're in the New York area, New Jersey, New England, new year, I don't know, new anything. If you're a brand new, newborn baby, come and see me. That's right, I want eight-hour-old kids in the crowd. You can check out Harlow Williams.com. All the info for the club is on the website there.

Just click on to my stand-up schedule. and you can come and enjoy the show. Don't forget, you can get the show at Stitcher.com. The Harland Highway is there. Free app, free show for your cellular device. Check out the Harland Highway web store at Harlan Williams.com. We got my book, The Things You Don't Know, You Don't Know. We have DVDs, videos, T-shirts, all kinds of cool stuff.

um that i think you'll dig and uh that's it man that is it action pack show thank you for your letters and phone calls don't forget you can write harlo williams dot com or you can call me 888 52090 um and i look forward to hearing from you so that's it uh i got to go get dr askott's lunch and uh until next time let's hope his lunch isn't a big bowl of chicken. Chau main, baby. Well, what do you know? A ham sandwich.