The Harland Highway - PODCAST 260

Episode Date: April 25, 2011

Hairy girlfriends, romantic summer letters, summer love, poetry, interview with actor comedian Andy Dick. Slap your sugar loaf!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hi, what a bloody good show we have for you today, we do. Hey, it's me, Harlem Williams. Welcome to the Harlan Highway. Oh, my goodness. Good to have you here. Thanks for joining. Cool show today. More of my interview with Andy Dick coming up later in the show.

As promised, over the next couple of weeks, we are going to be talking with Andy, peel them back the layers with Andrew Dick. We're going to be talking about poetry. I laid down some poems on some of the podcast. Going to get some of your feedback on that. Do you have a hairy girlfriend, guys? Huh?

Well, I'm going to get into that. Yeah, let's get into the hair. And, you know, let's talk about, romance we're talking about poetry we're talking about girls it's summer it's warm let's get into the whole world of romance have you ever had a summer flaying a summer romance do you remember the vibe do you remember the energy we're going to talk about all that stuff bring back some memories all that and so much more some of your phone calls just a big buffet of wonderfulness right here today on the

Harland Highway Welcome to the Harland Highway. You fellas been doing a bit of booze and have you? Sucking back on Grandpa's old cough medicine. There's an element of uncontrolled chaos. The Harland Highway. Serving everyone from presidents and kings to the scum of the earth.

What a treat. Oh, wait. Was you a great big fat person? You just made a wrong turn. Onto the Harland Highway. You need many years of therapy. Hey, Harlan, it's Stephanie from Denver. Just do me.

You might want to think twice before sticking your penis in there. Just do me. You're riding down the Harland Highway with Harlan Williams. Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, it's Harlan Williams. You're with me here on the Harlan Highway, speeding along through life. at the speed of a Chevy Nova. Okay, well, at least we're getting there, right?

I've got a hairy girlfriend. Yeah, I just blurted it out. I've got a hairy girlfriend. She wanted to go get a Brazilian the other day. It's like, I want to go get a Brazilian. And I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, baby. Okay, I ain't never been to Brazil. I'm a homeboy, okay?

So we settled and found some middle ground and she got a mullet. I also carved some sideburns into her butt cheeks. I guess what's weird is now when we're doing the old boy, Alex, he got. I look down and it looks like my buddy Larry looking back up at me. And I was never much of a talker during the act of lovemaking. But now that Larry's there, I'm like, hey, dude, you see the hot. hockey game last night, and she's like, what? What did you say? I said, no, I'm, how's your truck, man? How's your new truck? What are you saying back there? No, nothing, nothing, baby. It's a little weird. That's the price you pay for having a hairy girlfriend. Harland Williams. Come on. Do we have to have this guy? Well, I don't like him. He gives me the creeps.

Oh, God. Okay. Here he is, ladies and gentlemen, to read some. of his flowery, poetic, romantic, romantic summer letters. Are we sure we want this guy? Here he is Samuel E. Quowke. Hello, Mr. Quowke. Hello. Are you going to, I'm going to read some romantic letters, if you don't mind. Thank you very much.

Okay, let's do this. Let's get it over with. Yes, I'd like to get on with it, please. Okay, go ahead. Thank you very much. My dearest Cynthia, summer has wrapped its arms around us with a warm embrace. As I sit upon the hilltop in the heather and the grass,

the wild flowers blowing all around me, I can see the old barn in the distance where we used to frolic and play. I'll never forget the time we... romped in the golden hay inside that tall wooden barn. We tossed and we tussled, little pieces of straw in your rich red hair. I'll never forget how you rolled off some of the bales from quite a height and landed unexpectedly on a pitchfork that was hidden there in the hay and went through your rib cage.

You screamed like a pig being slaughtered in the butcher shop. Everybody back at the farmhouse can differentiate. I remember the blood gurgling out of your ribcage, you grasping for breath, trying to stay a lot. Excuse me. Excuse me. What the hell is that? Excuse me, I'm trying to read a summer romance letter.

No, you're not rib. What was that bit about the blood gurgling out of her ribs? Do you mind? Well, I don't know. Can I please finish my letter? you're interrupting. Well, get it over with. Go ahead.

God! Thank you. I'll never forget how I dragged you out of the barn using an old tire jack from one of the tractors. I had to pry it under your shoulder blades and snap your back forward so that I could get enough leverage to move you. I finally pulled you by your dislocated shoulders

and laid you out in the pink. pen. Your body covered in mud, eyes swarming with flies, like a little black Nairobi child starving in the heart of Africa. I won't forget how one of the

pigs wandered up, curiously sniffing you, and then starting to snap your ankles and eat them as if they were some kind of barnyard treat. You screamed in pain and say, hey, what the hell? Excuse me.

What the hell are you talking about? I'm trying to do a romantic reading if you don't mind, please, sir. Dude, okay? A girl in the mud with flies in her eyes like a little Nairobi kid? What was it? If you were listening, you would have heard it. I did hear it. A pig comes out and starts chewing through her ankles.

That's what happened to your mind. Roger, do it. Oh, hurry up and get this over with. Thank you very much. I'll never forget how I finally lifted you up on the back end of the tractor and got you back into the safety of the barn. I was driving through the barn and somehow an old hanging chain that was coming from the rafters above wrapped around your beautiful white neck.

It swirled around, leaving little room for you to get away. It constricted you like a Burmese python and yanked you off the back of the tractor. Your frail body swinging in the air like wind chimes on a magical summer night. Your eyes started to bulge from your head, rolling back in their sockets, blood burbling and gurbling from your precious little white mouth with your... Duke, that's enough! Do you mind? Yeah, I do mind.

Get out of here. You're sick, dude. Please don't call me, dude. My name is Samuel E. Quout. I'll never forget how the pigs jumped at your rotten feet that had no ankle bones. Let's get out! I'm not thinning... You're done, out.

I remember how the chain finally snapped under your weight, and you landed on a salt lick. The salt burning your eyes on... Get out! Up your ass. Out! Oh, God. What is going on with that guy, man? Oh, Roger.

Where do you get these people? Speaking of summer romances, have you had one? How many of you have had a summer romance? Huh? A real summer romance? Where, for some reason, wherever you were in time, wherever you happened to go, Maybe you were at a camp.

Maybe you were on a road trip with your parents. Maybe you were sent away to your grandparents or you're sent to work on your uncle's farm or you're sent to a Boy Scout camp or on a fishing trip. And lo and behold, sitting at the campfire, there's this cute little girl, right? You're young, your teenagers.

Or maybe you're older. I don't know. Maybe you're somewhere and you're in your thornphiard. 30s, your 40s, I guess a summer romance could happen at any time, right? But somehow you connect and there's that feeling of summer in the air and it's kind of magic and you're at a place and a time and life and you know you're not going to be there that long and you connect and you have that passion and you're both hungry for each other and you're kissing and you're rolling.

You're looking at each other's eyes. Oh, how many of you have had a wonderful summer romance? I tend to think a lot of those happen. I guess when I started out, I immediately went to when you were young, like you're a teenager or even younger, you know? Sometimes when you're like 10, 11, 12. You know, you've never really experienced being with you.

another person even holding hands or kissing or touching and you're in a weird place away from home for a week or something and there she is or there he is if you're a girl and just that magic fills the air can any of you think back to that moment in time the innocence the excitement the confusion if you will you weren't really aware of what was happening to you the feelings going on inside but it was powerful it was strong wasn't it you just immediately thought you were

in love and maybe you were maybe all if love is just a bunch of chemicals in your body that was probably all of them coming together and making a soup inside you think about the magic and the passion of that moment

of those moments of those weeks of those days of those months and see if you can recapture that energy, that spirit, that ambiance, that passion. See if you can find that this summer. See if you can find that with a new boyfriend or girlfriend you're with. See if you can find that even for a night with your husband or your wife for your girlfriend or your boyfriend that you've been with for years, maybe decades. just try and turn back the clock of time in your head and remember remember those moments and see just see if you can relive them apply them to who you're with today

and if you can't go out and go to a beach party or go to a barbecue and look up look up across the fire look across the patio look down by the shore sitting by the waves the moon glistening in her hair look look and see if someone's looking back at you as the summer crickets chirp and the warm moon rises in the summer sky hey everybody who wants to have better sex no Yes? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy. I will be packaged and sent discreetly. For free and fast. Don't wait, Better Sex is just a clickaway.

That's 50% off, one item, and free shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harlan to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping.

Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Hey, Harlan. This is Brian, Phoenix, Arizona. Say, I have been listening to your podcast for the last couple of months, really enjoying them. I'm working my way up through all of them since I found out about it. I'm up to podcast, 2.30.

This is clear back from February 14th. You're talking about poetry. Does anybody still write poetry? Well, I, like you, I am somewhat of a poet. I was in an online poetry group called Dark Poet Society. and that happens to be where I met my current girlfriend. I moved from Lincoln, Nebraska, all the way down to Phoenix, Arizona, just to be with this woman, just because we liked the way each other wrote, the things we talked about.

Some of the things that I do are all morbid and full of death. Other things are full of life and love. just quite the wide spectrum of whatever you can write poetry or do any kind of creative writing about. So, yes, we do, there are those of us who are still write poetry out here, and some of us are guys. So keep that soft sight coming, and again, appreciate all the laughs you give me, and you have a good day, sir. right on brian great uh great phone message from brian in arizona it's nice to uh hear him uh share his thoughts that he still writes poems and i love it speaking of romance the fact that he met his his lady through the process of writing poetry i mean that is a romantic

way to meet forget about uh online dating and uh meeting it a club shooting poetry back and forth. I mean, that is definitely a way that two people, two strangers, can really expose their souls, expose their feelings, their outlooks on life, whether it be dark or flowery or however you express it. That's one of the beauties of poetry, is it? It just really peels back all the walls

and let's someone really get to know what's going on inside you. So good for you, Brian. Awesome. I'm glad you met the girl of your dreams possibly through your poetry, through your creativity. Nice stuff, man. Keep on writing. And yeah, I like those letters.

In fact, I'll play a few more. I was debating whether to do any more poetry on the... the podcast dropping in any more poems or not and uh you know because i didn't know if you guys would like it if the audience would like it so uh listen to a few more words of encouragement i got from some of the highway listeners hey harland love the show man uh just wanted to call in response to your question about playing the poem and uh i like them and they're they're actually uh the most recent one there where you were kind of talking about the troops.

That sounded good, and it's nice, like, as a fan to hear another side of you kind of makes you come across as more real, more three-dimensional. And as a fan of you in general, that's just very cool. And I liked it, so keep it up. All right, man, thanks. Bye. Hi, hi, Ireland. I just wanted to take your poem far away.

It was really amazing. It made me think of my dad, who actually passed away last Sunday, and his funeral is tomorrow, Saturday, the 19th, so, and he wasn't a military man by and man, but it just, it really touched me, and it was a really, it was a real, it was a real, it was a real, it was a real, amazing poems um i think you should keep carrying your poems and keep up the good work bye okay so there you go uh sounds like uh you know people like it so uh you know now and then i'm going to drop in a poem and uh you know it's really nice when you hear that last call where you uh you can obviously uh tell that it moved that person uh somehow You know, they obviously just went through a loss with their father passing away and the poem resonated with them.

It created a connection. It brought out some emotion. And that is the power of poetry. That is the power of the raw words that, you know, kind of peel back all the BS and just expose feeling. And so going back to that earlier phone call, that that's what we're going. what gets me jazzed up about Brian meeting that girl, uh, through the poem. So there you go. I will, uh, I will take your words of encouragement. Every now and then I'll pop one in. And, uh, you know, the day you guys get sick of it, you let me know. Um, but I'll throw one down every now and then. Uh, but let's not get too heavy here. I mean, we like the comedy here too.

I mean, if we can make people cry, we can make people laugh. So let's get it on, player! Here's definitely a guy that can make you laugh or cry. Let's continue with my in-depth interview with Andy Dick, comedian, actor. You name of this guy can do it. Funny guy. I've had some long conversations with Andy. If you tuned into the last podcast, you caught the first one.

Let's go into the second one. Here it is some more throwdown to make you laugh or cry or somewhere in between. Andy Dick on the Harland Highway. We're here with Andy Dick, and we got a lot to talk about tonight. Let's get right to my first questioner, because some of these questions are planned out. Some of them are just going right off the cuff. This is my first planned question.

I have a question for you later. Okay, later, later. This one's for you. Do you have x-ray eyes? Do you have any of you? Do you? I have triple x-ray. God, what's the strangest thing you think you've ever seen in your life?

Through your eyes. You know what I mean by triple x, right? Yeah. Talking about porn. Yeah. I can, I'm looking, I'm imagining. things about you right now as I really triple X rated wow you would um this is a good one I'm we were talking about uh like nature and stuff like that I love it too you know that right yeah but

see people don't know that about Andy uh Andy Rondeck that you you like nature I love it why what is it what is your attraction to nature I was raised by nature you know if there were wolves in my neighborhood, I would have been raised by them. But everywhere I moved, and I moved a lot, I was just telling a friend recently. I moved nine times. People try to pinpoint you and say, hey, where are you from? And they think that that's going to tell you a lot about them. Yeah. But no, nine times before I was 12. So that's like almost every year I moved. I picked up and moved. Like today, the Steelers won. And I said, I was going, I wanted them to win because I used to live outside Pittsburgh. I lived in Monroeville.

Is that near Cranberry? There's a town named Cranberry out there. But wait a minute. But here's my point. Here's my point. Every time I moved, I would be alone. I had a brother. And my brother and I would, you know, we would get sick of each other.

But we would play a lot and wrestle a lot. But many, many times. And this is back in the day we're talking about. I grew up in the 70s because I'm 45. I mean, I think we're the same age. Well, I'm only 28, buddy. What planet are you from? Well, anyhow, there was always, we always moved to the new suburban, up-and-coming, what is it, like developments.

Yeah. And they were always on the edge of nature, always. So there were wolves? Were there wolves? No, that's what I was like, if there were, I would have been raised by them. But I was raised by the wind and the trees and the babbling brooks and the frogs and the pawls. And the Pollywogs. That's why my company name is Pollywog.

Polywag is great. My email, Polywag, and anybody can have it. You can put Pollywag at Andy Dick. Or another name is Tadpole. Tadpole is another name for Pollywark. But the word Pollywag, I spent my whole life catching frogs, catching snakes. I right now have a snake. What kind?

A rattlesnake. I'm not kidding. Wait a bit. Before we get into the rattlesnake, this is an interesting fact about Pollywogs or tadpoles. I think you'll like. this if you're making love to your partner and in the middle of love making you throw a handful of tadpoles on the sheets your partner will think you have giant sperm did you know that just giant giant black sperm now wait a where the hell did you get a rattlesnake kid well you know i now

live in tapanga and you know i have 80 acres i do know yeah but recently this is you're going to be sad about this. I got a phone call or a letter and they said look it's split into two parcels, 30 acres and 50 acres. They said you haven't been paying the taxes on the 50 acre parcel

and we're going to auction it off in a month unless you come up with $52,000. I'm like, well wait a minute, why didn't anybody tell me about these? They had been sending the slip to another place I lived like 15 years ago

and but so half of it I was paying half of it but not the other half and I lost 50 acres No you did I couldn't raise $50,000 What about that crazy aunt The mystery aunt She's dead and I already spent the 10 grand

That was 20 years ago Maybe you should have another ant knocked off And some money would have showed up My friend Harlan Williams Hey O With a capital O You know I really wasn't thinking I really should have called you up

That's horrible It's gone and I went down to the building It's gone 50 acres 50 acres of prime wilderness I owned it outright and it was like walking on Into Sedona

Arizona gigantic red rocks There was a waterfall There was a 20 foot waterfall Obviously if it's been years Has it been decades since you paid those taxes It was five or 10 years I think like eight years And that I had no idea

So the taxes weren't that much If it only amounted to 50 grand. That means it was like, you know, less than 10 grand a year. Yeah, it wasn't much. You could have covered that. Oh, my God. My heart's broken. Oh, you don't even know. Because I bought that land, not just for me, but I bought that. The children. Yeah, specifically Jacob. I have three kids and that piece of land was for Jacob. Luckily, I still have 30. You never know. It could turn out good because the 50 acres that I lost is in the front. Whoever bought it, maybe they'll develop it and maybe, which, in a good way, hopefully.

Something good will come. And then my land in the back will be even more valuable, hopefully. So you lost 50 acres and as an act of defiance before you handed over the land, you ran on there and grabbed a rattlesnake. No, no, no, no.

I'll show you. No, no, no, no. I hike. No, okay, I forgot. That's what we were talking about. I hike near my house, which is really my ex's house. I live in a shed behind her house.

house that I built it out kind of I decked it out kind of like this this used to be a garage you built a shed well there was a yes behind your ex-wife's house and then I and then I decked it out so it's really pretty I mean I live in a shed though it's it's really a shed it was a it was just a well anyways so there's a there's a hiking trail nearby a five-mile hiking trail that I frequent almost every day I hike on it with my two dogs I have two dogs and so me and my dogs go and there are rattlesnakes galore and every time i find one what happens is when other people find them they just kill them yeah how do they kill them they probably take a rock and just crush its head you know what i'd do i'd slowly put uh drops of poison in their gatorade and do

it slowly well that because you don't want to get you don't want to get traced back to you well whatever if you want to use a rock fine mr caveman i don't that that's my point i do not kill them. I catch them. They could kill you, though. Have you ever been bit by a rattlesnake? No, no. But just today, I was petting my rattlesnake. I pet him. That's nuts. I know. You are walking on the edge of death.

Yeah. Is it a diamond back? I don't think it's called a no. Those are in the east, I think. Does it actually have a rattle? We're not talking about a garter snake here, are we? No. Does it rattle at you? Yes. I have had many of them What I do is I catch them I keep them

I observe them It's like nature It's right there It's like it's like having a viper But I'm controlling the viper You know like kind of like Alcohol sometimes controls me Like it's a viper now

I'm controlling this I really sometimes think of it as As alcohol Now I got you Yeah you You know what I mean Until I bite you again Well wait a minute

Wait a minute Then what I do And then this is going back to my property I take it I relocate the rattlesnake because there's a lot of horses on the trail that I hike on and dogs like my dogs. So I take

these rattlesnakes and then I relocate them out to my property where nobody lives. There's nothing on my property. Have you ever watched a rattlesnake down a horse? Like just eat it in one sitting? It's like a Thanksgiving for a rattlesnake. But I have watched eat mice because I feed

the mice and crickets. What is your method? Here's Andy Dick walking down the trail. A rattlesnake comes out. How do you catch it? It's not like you're wearing your little Walmart rattlesnake gloves. How do you? I have a snake catcher that basically looks like one of those

those mad grabbers. Oh, so you have one of those? You have to get it online. And I got two. I got one that's like three feet, one that's like six feet. Cool. But I don't always bring it. And in this instance I did not have it. And I did not have my, sometimes I'll bring a pillowcase and sometimes I'll They'll bring this plastic container that screws, has a lid that screws on. But this time I had nothing.

I was with my son, my 16-year-old. So you used your son? And we- God. I did, actually. We found two that day. Two of them. One of them died. What?

Under my care. The rattlesnake? The rattlesnake died. How? Well, I keep him in this giant, I keep him in this giant metal horse trough, like where horses eat food or drink. I know what they look like. You know, it's really big and tall. So I don't need to have a lid on it because they can't get out.

Yeah, but they also bake in the sun. It's aluminum. It is aluminum, but they love that. But in those horrible rains a few weeks ago, horrible rains. It drowned. I came, and the thing was filled up halfway with water. And the one rattlesnake that's alive was floating, was floating on a piece of wood. I came.

And the thing filled halfway up. So he was floating on a piece of wood, like on a, like on a life preserve. Like a life wood. Yeah, he was like, and he looked so sad. He was like, please get me out of this floating island. The other one was just drowned. Oh. That was, I was very sad because here I am trying to rescue animals.

And then one. Wow. The exact opposite of rescuing. You are the new temple grand. So, anyhow, I was with my son, Lucas. I mean, no, I mean, Jacob, my 16-year-old. And I said, how are we going to... It was a little one.

It's a little baby one. It must be, oh, nine inches. Oh, good Lord, child. I thought you were going to make it. No, I'm not going there. This is about snakes. And by the way, those little grapple things you catch them with with the little hook. They work.

They are great. I have a silver one that I got custom made. And what I do is I go under the bridge on the 405 and pick up empty water bottle. And I save them and I take them in and make a few bucks. They're great for just reaching out your car window. But continue. This isn't my story. I had Jacob take off his shoe and give me his sock.

And then I took two sticks and made an X so that the sock would stay open at the top. And then we took another couple sticks and we kind of pinched the snake and and it took probably half an hour but we finally shoved him into the sock tied it off and then carried the sock home the next one we found on the same path same day I said you know what it was also a little one I said this time just give me your shoe

and I just shoved him in the shoe and took the other sock and plugged it up plugged the shoe up which was a much easier to get him into the shoe it took a lot less time so now we're walking home with two rattlesnakes one in a sock, one in a shoe, and my son is wearing his barefoot on one foot. In snake country.

Poor son. That's amazing, but as you know, these things have lightning fast reflexes. I mean, a shoe is not, I mean, you've got to be careful. And the baby ones are supposedly more dangerous because they don't know how to control their venom. Oh, Lordy, Lordy, Lordy, Lordy, Andy Dick, on the nature trail

using his son as snake bait Yeah, more provocative interview coming up with Andy As we keep going along with the interviews They kind of start ramping up And we get into more of Andy's personal life His hijinks, his glory, his shame, All the rest of it.

Interesting conversations. you like them. We're going to keep them going over this week and next week. And what else? Yes, speaking of next week, don't forget this weekend, actually, what am I saying? Next week, this week you can catch me in New Jersey, New Brunswick, New Jersey at the Stress Factory, a great comedy club there. It's Thursday, the 28th, 29th, and 30th. I will be there doing some sweet stand-up. Come on down to the show.

If you live in the New York area, Pennsylvania, Pittsburgh, wherever, anywhere. If you live anywhere, east of Colorado, come see me. You can go to Harlanwilms.com. Click on my stand-up schedule, and you will get all the info you need to get tickets and showtimes. Don't forget to check out the Harlandwilms.com. web store for all your comedy needs. And that's it, man. Quite the show today.

Thank you for tuning in. Tell your friends about the highway. Get them involved. And just a great time having you here. Thanks for sharing your letters, your phone calls. 888, 52090, if you want to leave a message. And until that time, my friends, until next time, chicken chalmy baby