The Harland Highway - PODCAST 261

Episode Date: April 27, 2011

Cell phones kill, interview with comedian/actor Andy Dick, trucks on fire, road runners. Born to be krinkled!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

ring around the rosy a podcast for la posy yeah that's right i started the podcast with a nursery rhyme song who else does that for you who else is so stupidly immature dildo me why did i say that why did i admit that what the hell is wrong with me uh hey welcome to the harland highway i don't know what i'm talking about right out of the shoot right out of the gate nothing makes sense my apologies but this show will make sense okay we got a great show more of my interview with andy dick uh actor comedian andy dick will be here today we're going to have a lot of fun uh great great stuff talking with andy uh we're going to be talking about a an incident that happened in my neighborhood where i thought it was in a war zone uh pretty interesting.

Do you talk on your cell phone when you're driving? Do you text on your cell phone while you're driving? People are dying. We're going to talk about it. We're going to get into it. I had a little run-in with someone. Yeah. And also talking about driving and dying.

How about joggers and cyclists? Yeah. They're getting killed. We're going to talk about it right here on the ever-server. Safe. Harland. Highway. Welcome to the Harland Highway. You fellas been doing a bit of booze and have you? Sucking back on Grandpa's old cough medicine. There's an element of uncontrolled chaos.

The Harland Highway. Serving everyone from presidents and kings to the scum of the earth. What a treat. Oh, wait. Was you a great big fat person? You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. You need many years of therapy. Hey, Harlan. Stephanie from Bedford. Just do me.

You might want to think twice before sticking your penis in there. Just do me. You're riding down the Harland Highway with Harlan Williams. Hey, Harlan Williams here with a public service warning for you people rolling down the Harlan Highway. Talking on your cell phones while you're driving will get you killed. And let me give you an example. I was driving the other day. Somehow, some lady in her minivan full of kids got in front of me

and was chatting away on her little hello box. Hello. Weaving and not paying attention and slowing down and speeding up. You know the way people do it. I finally found an opening. I pulled up beside her. And I rolled down my window and I'm yelling. Like, hey, yay, lady, hey.

And finally she rolled down her window. And I threw my Blackberry right at her head and hit her in the temple. And I guess it knocked her out and she rolled her minivan into the side of a 7-Eleven. Dead. Immediately dead. So, yeah, talking on your cell phone while you're driving, we'll get you killed. Cell phones will kill you. I use mine the way Captain America uses his shield

Yeah Spong If you'd like to make a call Please hang up and try again If you need help Hang up and then dial your operator Yeah Try calling McEwan's funeral home

Because that's where you're going to find yourself If you're chatting on your wee cell phone While you're driving and you chatty little monkey. Harlan Williams. And speaking of chatty, Chattie McChatterstein, I've been having some great conversations

with celebrity actor, comedian, a man about town, Mr. Andy Dick, a friend of mine that I've done a few movies with, and I've done some comedy shows with, and just an all-round interesting guy. Andy, Andy wears his life on his sleeve. He doesn't hold back on a lot.

And the guy just makes me laugh. He's, he's had his troubles. He's had his moments of glory, just like all of us. Andy's a little more extreme than most. But nonetheless, always interesting. And let's get into it. Here's more of my conversation with actor-comedian, Andy Dick. So, but back to nature, I, many, many, nature was my friend.

It was probably my best friend. You're saying was. No, it still is. Okay. Like, if I, like, that's why I hike every day. Every day. You know, there's days I missed. Yeah.

But I just feel at home. I feel at peace. I don't, I don't know how you feel, but I just need it. I couldn't live without it. Well, nature is like the real world. It's real. nature is where you can connect the purest to the planet all this stuff around us buildings and parks and picnic tables and all this stuff it's all man-made stuff but but nature is

always pure yeah so if you if you ever need purity you plug into nature i totally get what you're saying i'm the same guy i i i need that in my life i do but uh i've never i've never uh encountered a Battlesnake here in California. Never? No. Not even on your own property here. No. I've had a scorpion here.

A couple of few scorpions and I've had a tarantula here. Oh, wow. Yeah. I've seen tarantulas. I've never seen a scorpion in the wild. I've never seen, and supposedly they're out there in Topanga, a mountain lion. Yeah. That would be amazing.

I think I caught glimpse of one on Laurel Canyon. Really? Yeah. I had another house that was up the hill. And I'm almost positive I caught a glimpse of a mountain lion running up behind my house. It was raining and I went up and I found a great big paw print in the mud. And I got my ass back in the house because those things are top apex predators. I mean, that would be so awesome to see.

You know what I finally did see on one of my hikes? And I've, for years, ever since I was a kid, because I had all the books on reptiles. I love reptiles for some reason and amphibians. So frogs, turtles, and snakes. I just love them. Love them. I finally saw, and I had only seen them in books as a child, a horny toad. Saw one out in the desert.

Two of them. You did? Saw one out in the desert. Aren't they great? Palmdale. Tell me, how big was yours? Mine was a little baby one, and I caught it. And it shot blood out of its eye.

They shoot blood out of their eyes. And mine did. It's unbelievable. Did you pick it up? Because they're very, they're like a toad. They don't bite or anything. They're vegetarian. I did not pick it up, but it's very true.

If you go online and you type in a horny toad on YouTube, horny toad squirting blood out of its eyes. It's a defense mechanism. It uses it mostly to defend against canines, coyotes and whatnot. Really? Yeah. Why would that even stop a dog or a coyote from eating it? What is blood shooting out of your own?

Blood has a scent to it. It has a repugnant, like, odor to it. And they literally, if you go on YouTube, you can see footage of this lizard squirting blood. Yeah. A stream of blood out of both its eyes at the same time, and it's incredible. Nature is incredible. It really is. The defenses.

I wish I could do that. Some guy starts messing with me in an alley. Hey, man, give me your wallet. I'm like, pwit, ah! So there are Liz. But they look like a, like a frog, but like a horny frog because it has horns. Yeah, and the horns resemble like rose thorns on their back. But they don't hurt just so you know.

You can pick it up and they don't, it doesn't hurt you. Yeah, no, they hurt themselves, I think. You start pushing jets of blood out of your eyes. You're a bit of an idiot. You might want to buy a handgun and ease up on the squirting the blood out of your eyes routine, horny. Are they really horny or is it because they're Because they have horns They got the horns

Okay I didn't think they were Let's get on to some new Yeah here's I got some stuff here And I think you'll know the answer to these Maybe you won't You can just say pass Well you so you're not asking questions about me You're just asking questions in general

I've got some about you Like Alec Trebek No I've got questions that the world Kind of in general Like I'm gonna know the answer I think you will, though. And if you don't, you can just say pass and we'll move on. But I've got a bunch of words here.

Pass. No, no, no. Go ahead. Let me hear. Well, there are words that you don't commonly hear. Great. Let me see if I know. And I want to know if you know what they mean.

I bet I do. I looked them up on Google. Okay. I'm good at this stuff. Flarm puff. Okay, that's not a real word. Well, this is, okay, see, that's why I'm asking. Flarm puff.

Flarm. Hang Flirm puff Flarp puff Wait Flarm Flarm puff Flarm puff

Yeah F-L-A-R-M-P-U-F Well it sounds like One of those pastries you make Okay But if you know what these are I tell us Okay

Tell me what it means Well I don't know You made it up No these are good I know you Listen let Flarm Puff Come on

Tell me what it means then I don't know Well, look, you have a computer in front of you. We have a few more words to go through. I'm hoping you know what someone's mean. Go ahead, Flarm Puff. The next one is Z-Hankle. Do you know?

Once again, I'm going to assert that you made that son of a bitch up. Wow. Z-A-Nkel? Z-Hankle. Z-E-E-Hankle? Yeah. Okay. Nothing?

No, because it's a made-up word made up by Harlan Williams. What about a slip-slapper? Did you know? Now I know. Yes, I do know. I know that you made the fucking thing up. Okay. Last one, toddy waddle.

What the hell is a toddy waddle, Andy, Dick? Oh, God. Tell me, show me any of those on the internet. Okay. I just thought you might have definitions. Show me flarm puff first. Flarm pop. I don't know.

How is that? I don't know. I just put it on the computer. I'm going to put it on the computer. Your cord on your microphone is so twisted. Can I fix it? No, it's unfixable. It just keeps twisting back up.

I'm about to get a new one. Here's a question. Would you rather sponge bath old people or throw a baby into a spider web? Probably the baby. Into a spider web? Yeah, because then I can always just go and get it, wipe it off. Oh, Andy, how did you not know any of those words? How?

How did... He didn't know the answer to one of them. I mean, come on, man. Oh, fun stuff. Fun stuff. Well, we'll continue with more conversations with Andy Dick over the next week. I hope you're enjoying it as much as I am. A character, indeed, that man cracks me up.

So, yeah, hang in. there and uh we'll get to more andy dick as we motor on down the harland highway with random crazy nutty fun filled celebrities okay here's something weird i woke up this morning to explosions yeah i know it's it's true i'm not even making this up i'm laying in bed and i wake up to like this low rumbling like I'm like what the hell was that is my neighbor getting a new roof put on or something and then

a few minutes later and I'm like wait that what the hell is that so now I'm like getting out of bed throw the old slippers on and the nightcap and the little bathrobe and I run

outside I can see smoke I see all this smoke like pouring up through my yard And I'm like, what the hell? And then I hear like another, and I go running down to my driveway. I look and I can see like tons of smoke coming out from a house across the street. And I'm like, oh my God, there's a fire.

And then all of a sudden I hear like a boom, like boom, like the biggest boom yet. And I'm like, holy God. And I hear some little kid. I'm not kidding. Some little kid screaming, I don't want to die! Screaming at the top of his long. I guess he's never been around a fire before and thought he was going to die. You know how kids are.

So I go down to the end of the driveway, and there's a moving truck in flames in the middle of the road right at the end of my driveway pretty much. And all the neighbors are out with their video cameras and everyone's chatting and getting to know each other probably for the first time since they all moved there 30 years ago. You know how weird people are about their neighbors. It took a blowing up truck to socialize everyone. Hi, how are you? I'm Jim. Oh, I've lived beside you for 40 years.

I didn't even know what you looked like. Oh, thank God for the blowing up truck. So I don't know how the truck caught on fire. There's two like guys standing there with Jimmy's electrical service on the back of their shirts. They're just looking bewildered. It looks like a scene out of Tecrete or Baghdad. The electrical truck blew up. At the end of Harley Williams driveway, I'm Tom Broca, I'll see you the one night.

Yeah, I felt like I was like live in the war zone, man. Weird, huh? Okay, so I woke up to a blowing up truck. How'd you wake up today, people? I don't think you can top it unless you were inside of a blowing up truck, and then maybe. But just thought I'd share my morning with you, folks. At least I'm still alive here. on the Harland Highway.

Harlan, I went to go pick apples from my grandma's tickletree. It turns out they were both there. She's my grandpa. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what, you want it to be better, not worse.

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Just go to Adam and EVE.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harlan to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code. Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out.

all right where's my roadrunners at you know who i'm talking about the people that go out jogging or running out on the streets um or they're bicycling out on the streets and first of all god bless you for trying to stay in shape god bless you for running god bless you for taking care of your body god bless you for making an effort for god's sake it's wonderful it's wonderful to see you get out push yourself push your heart push your body you're running for your life and i don't mean you're running for your life well in a way you are running for your life what i meant is you're running for your life so you have a healthy life but what this whole segment is about is you might be running for your life in the coma ward

because I got to tell you, man, I can't tell you how many times I've flown around a corner and almost hit a roadrunner. And when I mean roadrunner, I mean a person with a headband and blue shorts and Nike shoes and they're sweating and they're intense and they're focused. A lot of times they have their iPod on. And I got to tell you,

it's been scary a few times over the, over the course of the years. Come swerving around the corner, you know, you're on a road with no sidewalks. You're going through hill country, you're on a busy street. You come flying around an intersection. And there's some guy who decides,

I'm going to get in shape, man. I'll be damned if I join a gym when there's so much free real estate out here. Let's see, I could run through that field, I can run around in the park, I can go to the track. You know what? I think I'm going to go on that really busy road with all the blind corners,

no sidewalks, potholes, bushes growing out, so that when I run up to the bushes, I have to run out right into the street. People speeding, people reckless. Yeah, that's where I'm going to run. I mean, holy God. I'm all for people getting fit.

Good for you. I applaud you. Here, listen to this. I'm applauding you. I'm applauding you for being healthy. But for God's sakes, people, do you really have to run on treachery avenue? Do you really have to run on clipped by Amir Boulevard?

Do you really have to strut down legs amputated because you've been crushed by a picket? pickup truck, crescent. These are streets you don't want to be on. How about crushed cranium Boulevard? I mean, these are all streets

that you're creating. Is it really worth it, is what I'm asking? I mean, yeah, you want to be in shape. Yeah, you want to run. Maybe you want to smell the flowers. Maybe you want to feel the pulse of the city. But is it really worth it? Is it really worth, you know, doing a little exercise, burning a few calories?

Maybe, maybe not. You add some time onto your life. Is it worth doing that in a high-risk zone where you can be killed by a passing vehicle? Don't forget, vehicles are big. There are thousands of pounds. They're half tons. They're quarter tons. There's trucks out there.

Let me read to you some disturbing headlines to kind of drive my point home, okay? Here we go. Jogger struck, killed by car. A man jogging on a rural stretch of highway was struck and killed by a car this morning, according to state police. Here's another one. Woman facing DUI charges after hitting. a jogger. Here's another one.

Jogger killed by car was student waitress. A fingerprint helped authorities identify the woman who died Tuesday, a student and a waitress who lived about a mile from where she was killed. Here's another one. Jogger killed after being struck by car in Huntington. He was struck by a car on a wooded stretch of road in Green Lawn. a teen jogger killed by car. A 19-year-old jogger died Wednesday after being hit by a car.

Here's another one. Jogger knocked down and killed after motorist loses control. I mean, these are just creepy. They're scary and there's a lot, a lot of headlines of, you know, of this. I mean, you want some more? Here you go. Police identified jogger, hit and killed by a car. A woman who was hit by a car while jogging early Wednesday morning has died from her injuries.

Jogger struck, killed by car in Bermville, was wearing jogging suit. A man was struck and killed by a car as he jogged before dawn along Route 183. I mean, it just goes on and on and on. Caramillo Heights freshman jogging with father is hit by car and killed. Lakeside jogger hit by car and killed. I mean, it just goes on and on and on. So what I'm saying here, man, is at what point do you ask yourself, hey, I'm going to get out there, I'm going to be in shape, I'm going to run, I'm going to do this,

I'm going to do that, and then you end up dead. See, here's the part of the equation that doesn't fit everybody. Getting healthy, exercising, working out, plus dead is not a good answer to that equation. Okay? Healthy lifestyle plus physical activity. plus feeling good about yourself equals dead. Okay, that's not a good math question. If it's even a math question, I don't think it is.

Maybe I should be hit by a car right now. Yeah. But right now I don't see any in my studio, so I'm going to keep talking. So look, I consider myself a good driver, okay? I've never been in a major accident. I'm very aware of what's around me. I try to drive very safely, you know, and I'm sure most of you do. But even in my experience, and like I said, I consider myself a good driver with a good record,

I've come close. I've come around blind corners. I've been at the park and a jogger appears, or I'm driving and I don't necessarily see them, or they're running out too far on the road, or they have to step around a park, and suddenly they're in a place where they shouldn't be. So I don't know. If you've got to run outside, if any of you are joggers and you're listening, you know, find a, go to like the Great Wall of China.

Run along that thing, okay? Find an abandoned airport where they don't land planes. Run up and down the runway. But to put yourself out there where you're dodging cars, and someone could be drunk or someone could be a horrible driver or someone can be asleep at the wheel. And this goes for you bicycle people, too. I mean, good Lord.

How many of us have almost clipped a bicycle guy? And, you know, I hate to say it, but we get a lot of attitude from them, too. They almost give you the look like, what are you doing on the road, man? Can you see I'm riding my bicycle? Why'd you drive so close to me? You almost clipped me.

What are you, a moron? Don't you know this road was built for bicycles? Well, guess what? No. Roads were built for cars, not people running, not people bicycling. And you are testing fate, my friends, when you bicycle and drive and jog in those in the streets. And believe me, you can give us the look of death, but a lot of the time, we're not doing it on purpose. I think a lot of cyclists think you're kind of. do it on purpose. Hey, man, you're cramping my style. Didn't you hear my little bell?

Bring, bring, bring. No, a lot of times we don't have a choice. A lot of times we're getting sandwiched from the other side. A lot of times we have oncoming traffic that if we pull over too far, we're going to have a head-on collision. And so bikers can create dangerous snarrows for drivers, too, where they could be killed. So I know I'm ragging on it.

I know some of you are probably joggers and cyclists going up, yours Williams but don't get me wrong I'm looking out for you people that's what this whole rant is about I'm looking out for you I want you to live I want you to be healthy but for God sakes

think about it you're pressing your luck man and I don't want to be the guy that accidentally hits one of you and nobody listening wants to be that person but it happens the statistics go online there's there's over 60 people a year, and probably more, it's not even reported, 60 people a year, minimum, are killed

while they're out jogging on the streets. Minimum, 60 human lives. People out trying to get healthy. And what was the net result? Six feet under, in a grave. I mean, I don't want to go to that funeral. Priest is up there. He was a healthy boy. He liked physical fitness and liked to jog. He was more in shape than any of us here. And yet, he's not here. You're all here. All you fat out of shape people are here.

Gathered at the healthy guys funeral. I mean, it's just tragic. So I'm looking out for you. And just watch it. You know, make it easy on yourself and make it easy on us drivers, get to the gym, find a track, find a field. Just get the hell off the roads. There you go.

I lay it to rest. And hopefully, we're not laying you to rest. Poor little road running every mother to any one. Me-me-me-me-to-road to his side here, Kevin. Yeah, there you go. And speaking of running down the road, if you want to run down the road and see me do stand-up comedy this weekend, here's the information.

I will be appearing, yours truly, at the Stress Factory in New Jersey, New Brunswick, New Jersey. It's a lot of news in there. New Brunswick, New Jersey. That's going to be April 28th, 29th, and 30th. Go to Harlan Williams.com and pick up all the information you need. Click on my stand-up schedule and check it out, man. It's going to be a good, good time.

I hear it's a great club. It's my first time there, but I've been asking around. I hear it's incredible. So it should be great. get your tickets in advance at harlornwilliams.com and don't forget you can pick up the harland highway at stitcher.com you get a free app goes on your cell phone and you get to listen to the highway wherever y'all may be

harlombs.com we also have the web store you can click on the web store and pick up your merch we have t-shirts we have artwork We have CDs, DVDs, my book, The Things You Don't Know, You Don't Know. A great read, signed, sealed, delivered. I autograph it, send it out to you. Hope you enjoy it.

People have really been digging that book. And that's it, man. That's all we have for today. The Harlan Highway closing up. Watch out for joggers and bikers out there. and we will be back very soon. More with comedian Andy Dick coming up in the next show. And it's a lot of fun.

So thanks for driving along to Harlan Highway with me, your host, Harlem Williams. And until next time, chicken. Chow May, baby. Thank you.