The Harland Highway - PODCAST 265

Episode Date: May 6, 2011

The back seat hump, Osama is DEAD, a listener apology from Harland, and Dr. Ascot. Cider, cinders, and Sunday's!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Mocking bird, yeah, podcast, podcast, podcast, yeah, that's right, it's a podcast, and I'm not mocking you, you birds out there. But it is a podcast, it's the only podcast, it's the Harland Highway podcast. I am your host, Harlem Williams. Welcome aboard, one and all. Glad to have you here. what a show we have today. We're going to be touching on a historical topic, as you know, Osama bin Laden dead. And we're going to be chatting about that.

Big news. I want to issue an apology. I have to apologize for a bit that I did earlier this year. And a heartfelt apology coming from me to you. I don't normally apologize for my bits. But I think this is deserved. and so you're going to hear me eat some humble pie for you folks. It's Friday.

Oh, it's Friday. Dr. Ascot is here. I'm here. We're here together. Annoying! And then we're going to be talking with something that's, is it pleasurable or is it awkward? The backseat hump. How many of you have got it on in the backseat of your vehicle?

And how many of you, you naughty people, have dead? on it in the backseat while you're driving down, the Harland Highway. Welcome to the Harland Highway. You fellas been doing a bit of booze and have you? Sucking back on Grandpa's old cough medicine. There's an element of uncontrolled chaos. The Harland Highway. Serving everyone from presidents and kings to the scum of the earth.

What a treat. Oh, wait, was you a great big fat person? You just made a wrong turn onto the Harland Highway. many years of therapy. Hey Harlan, it's Stephanie from Bedford. Just do me. You might want to think twice before sticking your penis in there.

Just do me. You're riding down the Harland Highway with Harlan Williams. Oh. Out in the back seat of my 60 Shedd. You're hopping to the back sea where you know it's nice and dark. How many of you have actually done it in the back seat?

You've heard that saying, oh, I got her in the back seat of the car, man. Oh, yeah, I got one of those pine tree air conditioners stuck somewhere. And, you know, we got through that, but it smelled good. I don't know. Do you really want to be doing it in the back seat? You know, you're all twisted and bent around. There's not much room, you know. you're making love to your girl her head stuck in the baby seat

one of her feet is being held up in a cup holder there's a doorknob on her forehead crinkle crinkle crinkle there's like a couple of taco bell wrappers stuck in your hair and on your back you can't get your clothes off when you're in the back so you ever try to lift a shirt up off a woman in the back seat doesn't work man their hands hit the roof it's like it's like trying to undress an octopus back there and then you know you traditionally probably do it at night right so when you first

stop the car it's like oh everything's cozy and cushy and then it gets cold pretty quickly in a stopped car you're like hey baby oh this is good but i got to stop why because i'm freezing man i can't oh my god it's like 70 below in here then the windows get all steamy you don't know who's around you For all you know, you start here and choo-choo-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch. It's always when you're making out in the backseat that the psycho shows up, right? Get a motel room.

Go to the motel 6 or something. And that's why I ride a motorcycle. Because the only way to do it on a motorcycle is on the handlebars. How? You're riding down the Harlan Highway. He-ha! Oh, yeah, humping in the backseat.

I'll tell you, someone who's not going to be doing any more, humping, right? How about our old buddy Osama bin Laden? Okay? Terminated, you're terminated. Yeah, that's right. He's gone, man. How good do we feel about it?

that that's a big deal i'm excited about that you know it's cool to see people like out in front of the white house and down at ground zero waving the flag and singing and bumping their fists and having a beer and just uh general celebration i think that's so cool that evil piece of crap is gone man it just just amazes me that uh a guy like that is just living and functioning and they find them in a million dollar compound in Pakistan a country that we ship uh you know we've shipped probably uh close to half a billion dollars too if not more in the last decade I don't know man it uh it makes you wonder but uh thank God the guy is dead uh God bless

the families that lost people. I'm guessing, you know, I'm hoping that in some small way or maybe even some big way, this brings them peace of mind, this brings them a little bit of closure, a little bit of resolution. I got to tell you, if I was a victim, if someone in my immediate family had taken the hit on 9-11, and I found out that this dirt bag was exterminated, I would be feeling pretty damn good. It doesn't bring my loved ones back, but man, does it feel good knowing that somewhere at some point in time,

that little maggot, you know, was scratching out his plans on a cave wall or in a back room or an alleyway, and so what we do is we get the tall towers in New York and we fly the planes, and I do the... little diagram and you see how the plane go right and now cut to the last thing that dick sees is the united states navy seal man pointing a sweet rifle or pistol at his friggin face Last thing that Jack Wad ever sees is a blue and orange flash of flame and light,

and he's done. Hits the floor, done. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. Thank God they got him. You know, it was getting to a point where you're like, ah, they're never going to find this guy and time's running out, and the guy's going to be dead before we get to him.

and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I'm just glad they got him while he was alive. I'm glad they found him. I'm glad they sussed him out. They got him and they killed him. Now, I got a wonder. Okay, they all say that he put up a fight and he, you know, he grabbed one of his wives and made a human shield.

I'm going to be honest here. I got to wonder if those guys got inside. And for all I know, Mama bin Laden, put his hands up in the air like the coward that he is. I just can't see that guy putting up a fight. I can picture him going, okay, I surrender, you got me. You put me in Guatanamo Bay. You got me?

It's okay, okay, hey, you got me. Good work, fellas. And those Navy SEALs just went, fuck the protocol. I know that sounds violent, but you know what? Who cares? That guy, I almost hope they threw away the book. I don't care if this guy was down on his hands and knees. If he had his hands behind his head, if he was kneeling,

take me. You got me or take me? At least I get three meals a day. I can worship the Quran. I can do my praise, I can go to Guatonomo Bay, a resort and casino, and I live happily ever after? No, no, no, no, no, no. You killed over 3,000 Americans, Jack Wad. Say hello to my little friend.

I wonder, man. And I wouldn't be pissed at the guys if they did it. I know it maybe breaking international law and protocol. I don't care. Do you think that Jack Watt Osama bin Laden had any sense of international law, Geneva Convention, Protocol, Compassion, No. So I'm not saying these guys did, but I'm saying if they did, good.

Because that guy, you know, if he had lived, if they had captured him alive, guess what? What do you do? You bring him to Guantanamo. bring him to the United States. Suddenly he's this symbol. He's this giant prisoner. I mean, think of it.

That's like if another country came and grabbed our president. Let's say Australia or London or Afghanistan or India or China came and grabbed our president and put him behind bars. Do you think we'd maybe try to get them back? You think maybe we'd stop at nothing to free them, to get them, to avenge him? So you've got to figure with Osama being such a huge symbol, the leader of al-Qaeda, you've got to figure if we incarcerated him here in America or anywhere else, they would have tried and tried and tried again to get him.

And just the fact that he was alive would have whipped up more of a fervor and he would have become this giant martyr and this symbol. And, you know, at first I wasn't happy that they buried them at sea, or so they say, I'm going to get into that. But then, you know, I realized that's probably the best place they can put them because the sea is so vast. There is no way they can erect a shrine or a temple or a memorial, right? They can't all go and gather and stand around it

and build it up into something it's not. You know, I mean, you've seen the way A lot of the Arab cultures, a lot of the Muslim cultures, they have very huge giant festivals where millions of the march to holy places and sacred places and they get down and they pray together and they chant together. And you just know that if Osama lived, chances are that could have happened.

And if they got hold of his corpse, that's probably what would have happened. And so in a way, it's great that they just dumped him in the sea, and there's no possible way. What are they going to erect a shrine all over the sea, all over the ocean? And they didn't really say where they dumped it. And so this leads me to another question, okay, did they really dump it? because you've got to figure, you know, it's weird. You know, like they saved Hitler's brain. They saved Stalin's brain.

They've been dissecting Stalin's brain, like paper-thin slices. They've been cutting open Stalin's brain to see how it worked. I just feel like for whatever reason, there's some benefit to keeping Osama bin Laden's body on ice. if for no other reason, just to prove that we have them, because already the conspiracy theories are starting. But then the other thing I'm wondering is, you know, technically, what do you really need with his body, right? The body's just full of, you know, heart and intestines,

and there's not much you can do with a body. So when the U.S. government says, oh, we disposed of Osama's body, well, yeah, but what if they severed his head first? What if they surgically removed his head? And technically, yeah, they dumped the body, but they've still got the head somewhere, you know, so they can idea it, they can maybe dissect it,

maybe they want to go into the brain the way they wanted to do with Hitler and Stalin and all these criminal masterminds. So I don't know, I'm not starting a conspiracy theory. I'm just thinking for practical reasons. Maybe they did do it. that, but that's the mysterious thing about the government. We'll never know. It's like you can keep wondering about Area 51 and all the conspiracy theories out there, and you'll never get

resolution. Hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex? No? Yes? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus, 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy. All will be packaged and sent discreetly for free and fast.

Don't wait. Better Sex is just a click away. That's 50% off, one item, and free shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your best. bedroom. Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy, or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harland to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping.

Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. But the good news is, apparently this guy's dead. I hope they released some photos that they took before they dumped the body, air quotes, because I would like

to see proof that he's dead. Remember when Saddam Hussein's sons were killed? They had no problem releasing those photos. They were grizzly photos, but there they were in living color. So I certainly hope they allow the public to see

this guy's body dead and you know a to prove he's dead which i believe he's dead and b just so you can just look at it and you know kind of spit on it just go ass you got what you deserved you should have got it uh nine and three quarters years earlier on let's say uh september 12th is when you should have got it but hey better late than never man but it's a big win it's a big kill i got to give my hats off to president obama you know he could have bombed the compound he could have annihilated it i love it that he sent our boys in there the boys did what they were trained to do they executed it immaculately uh none of them were hurt or killed i mean it's just a shining man moment and

you know it's like everyone in the world be put on notice that you will you will be nailed you will be caught so there you go it feels like there's one less dark cloud

floating around on planet earth one less perpetrator of evil one less guy that's looking to destroy innocent lives and innocent people for the most unholy of causes. So kudos.

Kudos, congratulations to the president. Congratulations to us as a country, as a people, as a society. And let's just hope we never have to deal with someone like him again. I have a feeling we will. but in the end the result will be the same I'm sure so big round of applause

Osama bin Laden dead and good effing ridd well I guess it was bound to happen the powers of be at the station here are insisting I go on the air and make an apology

to you, my devoted listeners. Okay, I can see their point. I feel a little bit bad about it. I did a bit about a month ago that got a lot of complaints where I was just chewing gum. Okay, I went on for like two minutes and just chewed gum

and talked about how annoying it is to chew gum. and I agree, you know, chewing gum is a noisy, disgusting activity. I was chewing it really loud, and I think it irritated. It literally irritated a whole bunch of our listeners. I'm like, what the hell is you doing chewing gum on the radio? and you know it doesn't make any sense and why would you do something like that and I'm like okay you know what you got me there's a really dumb thing to do and I am sorry and chewing gum will never happen again Keep it right here on the Harlan

Highway Yeah, Harlan Uh, it's got on watching the Soil and Crane movie Requested everybody watch Uh, it's not really working, okay? I realized it's supposed to be 20, 22, but it looks so hardcore, 1973, and I just couldn't get past that. And I figured out the plaza movie having nothing to know about this movie in the first 10 minutes. I called it out to my lady.

She said, I think you're right. So, yeah, like I said before, not really working, okay? Not really working, John. Soil and green is not really working. Great callback, buddy. Oh, yeah, you don't get to hear John and John till parade season kicks in. And I think that's like Thanksgiving and Christmas, you know, but thanks for the little teaser. I love it that you nailed that futuristic movie as being like 1970s. Very funny message. Thank you for calling in.

If you want to call in, you can always reach me at 888-52090, or you can write me at harlandwilliams.com. And speaking of things, not really working. It's the second Friday of whatever week. And that means I have to do my on-air therapy session with you know who. Most annoying shrink in the galaxy. Ah, Dr. Ascott. Oh, God.

Hello, Dr. Ascot. Hello, Alland. What are we doing today? Alland, it's springtime, Holland. Okay, it's springtime. Whoopi-Doo. Ohland, don't be negative. I'm not being negative.

You think I don't know what the seasons are? Arland. What? Holland. Stop. What is spring have to do with anything? Arland, spring is a time for new beginnings, Arland. Okay, and what does that mean? Spring is a time when the flowers grow and the birds sing.

And most people find it a rejuvenation. period, Arland. Okay, I guess there's some logic in that. Most people psychologically, Arland, find springtime to be very calming and soothing, with the gentle warm spring breeze blowing. What is that? What are you doing?

Stop at, Arland, I'm blowing the spring breeze. Stop, what are you doing? I'm blowing the spring breeze in your face, Arland. God, your breath stinks, Ascot. Sorry, Arland, I ate sardines for lunch today. Yeah, well, it reeks, and you have ginger vitus? Arland. Well, God, your breath smells like someone pulled open the rear end of a zebra.

Holland. Well, don't blow window. on me. What are you doing? Stop a whistling. What is wrong with you? Arland in the spring little baby birds are born, Arlen. Nothing relaxes us more than hearing the cry and the sake of the spring birds,

Holland. Why are you saying my name that long? Do I have 20 A's in Harland? Holland. Oh, God. And stop whistling like a chickadee. It's springtime, Holland. I'm trying to relax you.

Stop blowing your cancer breath on me. Holland. Well, God, you smell like a guy that's a guy that's about to die. Arlen, you're getting uptight. Please relax. Let me help you with the calming sounds of spring. Holland.

Stop saying my name. God, stop it. Ah! What the hell is that? It's a crow, Arland. They're birds. too, Arlen. Ah!

Get it out of me! Why you put your fingers in my hair? Ah! Ah! Ah! Stop it! Crow is attacking,

Holland. You've come too close to his nest, Arlen. Ah! Get your fingers out of my eyes. Ah, the cloying! Stop clawing my face!

Ah! Ah! Ah! Stop it! It! Holland, you're supposed to be relaxing with the calming sounds of spring. Are you kidding me? Look at you.

You cut my eyebrow up. What is wrong with you? Why would you stick your curled up fingernails in my face? Holland, you shouldn't get too close to the baby chicks. Mother crows are very defensive. You know what? Get out of here! There's no psychological journal in the entire world that would call this

any form of therapy. Holland, I really need you to be calm during the spring season. You know, get out. What are you doing? What is that strained look on your face? Give me a moment, Arland. What are you doing? What are you?

What's that noise? Quiet, Arland. What are you? Ah, ah, there it is, Arland. What the hell did you just do, As Scott? Let me stand up, Arland. What do you... What the hell is that on your chair?

I just laid an egg, Arland. What? It's springtime, Arland. Nothing calmed you down than being like a bird and laying an egg. Get the hell out of here! It looks like the egg is hatching, Holland. What? What is it doing?

Something's coming out, Arland. What is... Ah! Oh, no! No! Get away! It's a baby crow, Arland. Ah!

Ah! Get out! Ah! God! What a dillweed. The same thing. sounds of spring like to spring his ass right over a cliff oh long get out oh my god well there you go uh geez another friday another therapy session with dr ascot um i just want to say uh you know

again before i end the show tonight on a on a positive good note I just want to say once again, hail, hail, the Navy SEALs, the military, the president, everyone involved in the operation that took out Osama bin Laden. No one was hurt on our side. And again, just a great triumphant feeling to know that justice has been served, at least for that guy. and America once again shows that, as, you know, President Bush said you can run, but you can't hide. Actually, I think Reagan said that. But I think Bush said, I want that guy dead or alive, and we got him dead.

So just a good feeling. Cudos. Congratulations. to go for all the men and women of the military President Obama and his administration, unbelievable courage and execution. Great leadership

there and just a happy ending for all involved except for the one guy who got it right between the eyes where he deserves it. So there you go. We wrap up another show. Another

portion of highway churned up fading in the distance and uh again i'd like to thank you folks for tuning in for listening for sharing your thoughts your feelings hoping to bring you some laughter in this crazy mixed up world um don't forget you can see me this weekend i am at the washington dc improv i'm there tonight i got two shows tonight two shows saturday one show sunday come on out it's going to be great awesome time and uh and what can i say um don't forget to check into uh harlowe williams dot com if you want to get information on the dc improv just click on my stand-up tab on the website don't forget you can visit the harland highway harland williams dot com store for CDs, DVDs, books, t-shirts, all that fun stuff.

And you can pick us up on Stitcher.com. There's a free app. So if you want to hear the highway on your cell phone, go for it. Thanks again, everybody. Watch out for crows out there. Spring is sprung. And the show is done. So until next time, chicken.

Oh man, baby?