The Harland Highway - PODCAST 266

Episode Date: May 9, 2011

Don't fear the reaper, public safety message, the color green, paper cuts, romantic letters by Samuel E. Quoke, addicted to email. Burn baby buuuurrrrrrnnnnn!!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, man. What's happening? I'll tell you what's happening. It's a podcast. It's the Harlan Highway. Yeah, you're on it, and I am your host or hostess. If you want to picture me in a dress, go for it. I don't care. Harlan Williams here, taking you for the next half hour down the zany Harlan Highway. And what a gamut we're going to cover today. I've got a public safety announcement for you in the show at some point. We're going to talk about your email addictions.

Yeah, I know you got them. We have a sponsor for the show today. An unusual sponsor could be interesting. And we're going to be talking about dying. Do you know when you're going to die? Do you know how you're going to die? It's kind of a morbid, creepy question. but we're going to get into it.

I think I've mapped out how and when it's going to happen to me, and that's a little bit odd. We're going to be getting into paper cuts, and then, you know, you've all been paper cut. Yeah, we're getting into that, and then we're going to get some romantic letters in here. I think Samuel E. Quoak is coming by to read one of his romantic letters. It's always a nightmare, but it's always a dream right here.

On the Harland Highway. Welcome to the Harland Highway. You fellas been doing a bit of booze and have you? Sucking back on Grandpa's old cough medicine. There's an element of uncontrolled chaos. The Harland Highway. Serving everyone from presidents and kings to the scum of the earth. What a treat.

Oh, wait. Was you a great big fat person? You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. You need many years of therapy. Hey, Harlan. You might want to think twice before seeking your penis in there. Just do me.

You're riding down the Harland Highway with Harlan Williams. Hello, welcome to the Harland Highway. Today's color is green. Picture all things green. Green beans, green lettuce. green cheese on the moon the green money in your pocket the green grass of home and the green fist of the incredible Hulk

punching your face through a brick wall green Harlan Williams All of times have come Here but now that I've gone Seasons don't fear the reaper No do the wind, the sun or the rain We can be like there

Come on, maybe don't Don't feel the reaper. Maybe take my head. Don't feel the Reaper. We'll be able to fly. Don't feel the Reaper. Baby, I'm no man. La, la, la, la.

Ah, yes, don't fear the Reaper. Now, you're asking why am I playing such a morbid song right out of the shoot here on the Harlem Highway? Well, let me tell you, have you ever thought about how or where or when you're going to die? I know morbid, but look, as Clint Eastwood once said, we all got it coming, kid. So let me tell you about a weird thing when I do think about that area of life or death, whatever, however you put it. I've had this weird obsession or this weird premonition or this weird feeling for much of my life. Maybe ever since I heard this song.

The song, by the way, if you don't know it, it's called Don't Fear the Reaper by the Blue Oyster Cult. It came out like 1976, and it's kind of a creepy song. It's a famous rock and roll tune, but it's kind of a creepy song. song about you know don't fear the reaper and it's the lyrics talk about you know hundreds of thousands of people every day and you know come take my hand don't fear the reaper and romeo and juliet uh you know they succumbed to the reaper and so it's a creepy song i kind of like it if you've ever read uh stephen kings the stand uh in the opening passage of the book before you you get into the beginning of the book the first thing you see in the book is there's a

lyric from this song don't fear the reaper and i i don't know it perbatim but it's something like the candle blue and then he appeared the curtains drew and then he disappeared or something like that i don't know but it's kind of a creepy thing i probably just ruined it But here's where I'm going with it. I've always had this thing. When I go back to my earlier question, do you ever wonder about where and when and how you're going to die?

Well, I've always thought, and I don't know why, and it freaks me out, but I've always thought I'm going to die to this song when I'm driving in a car and this song comes on the radio. Isn't that weird?

Isn't that creepy? And this gets played a lot. You know, I'll hear this on the radio a few times a year And every time I do, I don't change the channel You know, I just, I become more alert I go, oh my God, is this it? Because I just picture like me whaling down the road And a black sports car driving fast

Taking corners, dodging in and out of traffic, speeding. This song's blaring, don't fear the Reaper. And I'm just pushing it. And all of a sudden as I'm wailing along the road, there it is. Oh, my God, here it comes. I almost feel like the Reaper's like done it. It's almost like those horrible movies, the Final Destination movies, you know where all the kids get killed, they cheated death.

and death is coming back to get them and knocks them off one by one and I just I just keep thinking oh my god this this is this is how I'm going to go out with this song playing it's a sign it's a signal it's the Reaper and it's his last kind of practical joke on me or it's his uh his little uh you know coy way of uh creating irony or whatever you know and so I've often been thought man that might be the way i go out with this song plan i mean i hope not but it would be cool too right so i guess what i'm saying here is if you ever find out that i die which you know i probably never will i mean look at me why would look look at me as if i'm going to die maybe you people are what me to dieans for losers man what what what die maybe diet maybe i'd go on a diet for a couple of weeks but die i got too many podcasts to do what are you crazy but what i want you to do as if you're going to do it but maybe somebody will

if i die if i roll in a vehicle find out the time and then look on the radio dial Okay, look on the radio dial of the crushed vehicle. See the last radio station I was tuned into and then call the station and ask for their playlist from that day because radio stations, you know, they plot everything out. They plot out the songs. They plot what time they're going to play. It's all in a computer. It's all organized.

It's not what you think where, hey, I'm a DJ. I love this song. I'm going to put this on. No, those days are gone. unfortunately. So what I want you to do is check and see if while I was driving, don't fear the Reaper was playing on the car radio, on the station that my car is locked in on

as they stretch and pull my body from the twisted, mangled wreckage of my supersonic, speedy Volkswagen Beetle. So there you go. I don't know. I just thought, I wonder if there's anything you people have where you've kind of fixated on. Is there a moment? Is there a time?

Is there a thing where you associate it with your death? I hope you don't. It's kind of bothersome, to be honest. It kind of haunts me. It kind of plagues me. I'm always thinking this is it. And when I hear it in the car, I get a little weirded out, man.

So I wonder if you folks have anything. If you want to share 888, 52090 is the number. And please try and call before you die. Thanks. Seasons don't feel the reaper. No, do the wind, the sun or the rain. We can be like this. Come on, baby.

Don't feel the Reaper. Baby, take my head. Don't feel the Reaper. We'll be able to fly. Don't feel it's a free phone. Baby, I'm not a man. Hey, hey, hey, you're listening to the Harland Highway, and here's a quick little tip for you.

People don't let your kids pose. with wild jungle animals. Okay, another little girl was posing with a tiger at a circus or someone's backyard, and the tiger conveniently ate the little child. I think tigers and lions and leopards and jaguars and grizzly bears like nothing more than when the prey walks right up to them and sits on their back. That's what they call an easy kill. So do yourself a favor.

Save your kid. Save yourself the anguish of watching your child being eaten alive by a man-eater. And go have your kid pose beside the Disney Tiger, where it can punch her in the face. At least it's better than being eaten. A little helpful tip here on the Harland Highway. Hey, Harland, it's Gabriel calling. Listen, I'm about seven seconds away from telling you that your experiment failed with me. However, there was something else, Vagina.

You did a couple of weeks back on your podcast, Vagina, that stuck with me in a way that Vagina is not working out too well, Vagina. It seems there's quite a few ladies here at work, Vagina. that we're unhappy with this vagina. We're popping up in our conversations, vagina. So, Fagina, I've got a meeting tomorrow

with human resources. Oh, my God. Oh. Well, I hope it goes okay. If not, I've always got the Harland Highway to listen to.

How? Ah, oh, classic, classic. Yes, I did do a mind experiment on you people. I think a week or two ago where I played a clip from a song and I told you that you would be humming it or singing it at some point during the day or the next day or the next week. Hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex? No, yes, yes. The answer is yes.

You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse, trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy, I will be packaged and sent discreetly for free and fast.

Don't wait. Better Sex is just a click away. That's 50% off, one item, and free shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harlan to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So, be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. And I'm sure there's a bunch of you that aren't owning up to it. We're getting out there. We're seven seconds away. Yeah, you have it in there

somewhere but um i guess uh with this particular uh harland highwayer still don't have the name yet but this uh highway harland this hollabobo this jalapeno pepper he says it didn't work on him but then a few weeks before that i had a caller um call in and say that i needed to say virgina more or vagina or wherever you pronounce it. So I peppered that through the whole show and it looks like that's the thing that got stuck in this gentleman's head. So good for you, at least something's in there.

And if you've got to be thinking about something constantly, hey, why not vagina? It's not a bad thing. So there you go. More brainwashing from me to you. And let's just keep it going. Let's just keep the brainwashing coming. Right here on the Harland Highway.

Okay, so you're having a great day. You're doing your thing. And the mail comes. And you're like, oh, yay, I got some letters. Yay! And you go to open the mail. Paper cut, man. Or your printer's running low on paper, your fax machine.

So you go and get that fresh, new, tightly wound package of coffee. paper and you start to open it up paper caught wow what is it how does how is it that a flimsy piece of paper can inflict so much pain and suffering you're just a piece of paper I could light you on fire I can crumple you up I can origami you into the shape of a small swan yet somehow you have the power to open my flesh me bleed and worse than all of it make it sting for hours okay I can cut myself with a knife okay ouch it hurts I could cut myself on a twig ouch it hurts I can cut myself with broken glass ouch it hurts why is it that with paper

it stings forever who's making paper like Amazon rainforest Indians? Do they rub paper with poisonous frogs? I'll tell you what, people. Write me some letters and let me know how you feel about it. If you have the nerve to get to a piece of paper, Harland Williams. Yeah, it hurts. What hurts more is not getting missed. Does anyone even get mail anymore? I mean, do you remember the last time you got of a letter from a friend?

I mean, okay, you probably got like a Christmas card or maybe a birthday card. But when was the last time you got a car that just said, Dear Harland, Daddy and I have been having such fun this summer. Your sister Elizabeth bought a new bicycle. Next week we're all going out to the car. country to churn butter and smash grasshoppers between the eyes with shaleleys. I've been waiting a long time for my new bicycle to come in the mail, and I've been eating bricks from the side of schoolhouses. How are you? What have you been doing? I hope everything's

good in your... Like, when is the last time you've gotten a letter? I don't think they exist anymore. It's kind of a lost thing, man. There was a point in time. How about you people that are in love? Remember when you used to be in love and back in the day when there was no cell phones and long-distance calling cost you an arm and a leg? So you actually had to write a love letter.

You know, beautiful love letter. Oh, it's gone, man. It just doesn't happen anymore. You don't get letters anymore. Maybe a fun little experiment for everybody to do. You know, surprise your girlfriend, your boyfriend. Here's a little romantic suggestion. Write down on paper with a pen in your own handwriting.

Something beautiful, something sensual, something wonderful about your boyfriend or your girlfriend, and just drop it in the mail and surprise them. See what kind of reaction it gets. Dear Cindy, just wanted to know that I've been thinking about you And I'm so happy I'm with you And everything's great And I'm looking forward to many more years together And blah, blah, blah, and then you drop it in the mail

And in the four days it takes to get there On day two, you find out she's going out with your buddy, Ed, and you're breaking up and you hate her guts. And yeah, she still gets the letter. because you can't stop it. Something to think about. And speaking of romantic letters, oh, God, here we go.

I've got to have this guy reading romantic letters in the studio. Here he is, Samuel L. Quowke. Thank you. Thank you very much. All right, what are you doing here? I'm going to read a romantic letter if you don't mind.

Okay, but your letter always get a little weird. Do you mind, please? Yeah, I do mind because you've got... I don't know how romantic your letters are, okay? Qualk, they always kind of go off into a way... Do you mind if we could stop talking and I could get on with reading my romantic letter?

All right, fine, go for it. I'm not going to stand here with bated breath. Do you mind? Can you stop flabber-wabbling? flabber-wabbling? That's what I said. All right, go ahead and read your stupid letter. Thank you. It was the spring harvest.

I'll never forget, Cindy, how you skipped over the fields of heather. The sun riding high in the sky, squirles and chipmunks chattering in the distance. And I stood down on the dirt road and watched you in your long, flowing summer dress, come twirling over the hill, the golden wheat, and the birds dancing around your head. You had such a look of joy on your face, a smile that cannot even be put into words, your red hair flowing around as you twirl, spinning in the air. You slowly made your way towards me I put my arms up

awaiting your tumbling into them And halfway to me I'll never forget how your facial expression changed When a rattlesnake that had been hiding in the golden wheat Struck at your leg Your face twisted from a expression of joy To pure panic and horror You stumbled and rolled down the hill

And fell at my feet in a claspid in a clump, terror in your eyes, your leg pumping blood. Hello, hello. Yes, can I help you? Do you mind, see what I mean? What? You paint this beautiful picture, this girl, Cindy, swirling through the wheat, coming towards your open arms, and a godforsaken rattlesnake attacks her?

I'm just telling you what happened. Do you mind if I finish? Yeah, I do mind. guy my name is samuel e qualk god quark have you ever been examined do you mind hurry up and get it over with i'll never forget as your legs started pulsing and throbbed and pumped in the moonlight even though it was sunny out in the middle of the day i rolled your stocking up i rolled it up high and i saw your leg, vainy and pulsing, two puncture wounds with blood spurting out of them. I knew I had to suck the poison immediately as your face started to turn green.

I had to pull my bowler knife out of my back sheath and cut a slice into your leg. I remember how you screamed as I accidentally took a chunk four inches too deep and punctured one of your main arteries, blood spurting into the sky like a fountain in the park. I tried to suck. Do you, but come on, Guy. Do you mind? What the hell? You couldn't just suck the venom out of her leg.

You had to cut a chunk. That's how they trained me in the Marines. You were in the Marines. Yes, I was. What are you British? South American, thank you. Good Lord. You're just full of it, Guy.

It's Qualk. Quark, are you almost done? Yes, if you don't mind, I'd like to finish this summer letter. Hurry up and get it over with, you nut. Thank you. I'll never forget as I hoisted you up on my shoulder and ran down the Dern Road, the blood spewing from your open rattlesnake leg, leaving a trail of crimson along the dirty, dusty road.

A pack of wild coyotes picked up the scent as I ran as fast as I could through the wheat. It was fruitless. They were upon us quickly, and you were the main target in their lustful eyes. They jumped and yapped and nipped at you as I tried to hold you on my back over my shoulder, but there were too many of them, too many of those hungry, powerful canines with bloodlust in their mouths. and in their eyes. I remember as they ripped at you, pulling you, gnawling you to pieces and finally when I got towards the end of the road where the car had been parked,

I turned to drop you in the back seat and your whole upper torso was gone just intestines and meat hanging in shreds. All right! Do you mind, sir? That's it! Get out of here! Unbelievable! It's about as romantic as a landmine. Have you read this letter?

What are you talking about? As I threw your twisted half corpse onto the field, it landed on an old World War I landmine, and you explode. Get out of here! I'm not fit. Get out! Unbelievable, idiot! Throws her half corpse on a landmine...

Unbelievable! Your body blew into the air and little pieces crows swooping down and snapping up delicious chimes. chunks of your flake get out up yours up yours too qualk up yours with a corn niblet what the hell did that even mean get out i am so sorry for that folks i got to stop having that idiot in here unbelievable all right let's get back to something normal what a dillweed You've got mail. There's a letter in your mailbox.

The letter here for you. You've got mail. You have 937 messages, all of which are marked urgent. If you're not listening to my show, then I guess you're probably checking your emails, right? If you are addicted to checking your emails, you used to be on crack and cigarettes and coffee and booze, but now you've got that new addiction checking your emails. Read a little word. You've got mail.

You're like, sit down at your computer. Cluck, click, click, click, click. Oh, my God, I've got seven emails. I better read them all. So you read all seven. At the end of them, you realize they're all spam. Spam, spam, spam, spam, spam. You're so desperate to get emails

that you'll read anything from anybody. There are new messages. Grow a larger penis. Oh, I better read. that one who's that one from so you read them you shut down the computer you start to walk out of your office you're walking down the hall and all of a sudden oh there's three more let's see um pre-trip to jamaica enlarge my penis again okay and buy some real estate and some stock options okay you read them all just because you're lonely stop checking your emails people

Remember five years ago, six, seven years ago, and we didn't have emails and you were just fine? Message for you, son. I don't see you running out to your mailbox every four minutes. I better run down to the end of the driveway. I think I might have a letter. Just spend your time on the internet doing something constructive. Like go to Harlandwilliams.com. Stay away from your mailbox.

Mail's in. You got mail. Mail is good. I like my mail. I'm going to send you a letter and protest. I know you'll get it because you're always checking your mailbox. Harland Williams. Ah, yes, yes, mail, mail, mail.

And if you want to send me an email after all that, you can write me at harlomwilliams.com. You know, every, you know, maybe once or twice a month, I do the listener mailbag. And maybe your letter will get in there. I don't know. You'll never know unless you write me. But if you're too lazy to write, which many of you are these days,

hey, there's always the old telephone. You can call me at 888-52090. That's 888-52090. And, you know, lay down some magic, man. And speaking of magic, we are all out of magic time together. Yeah, this was magic time, boy. girls. We had some magic time today, but now it's over. I'm so sorry. So let me wrap it up by saying, don't forget you can get the Harland Highway at

Stitcher.com. There's a free app for you there. You can listen to us on your cell phone. And then if you're looking to see the kid live doing stand-up, yeah, that's right. I'm going to be in Minnesota, May 19, 20, and 21. Okay, if you want to find out the name of the club, get tickets, all that jazz. Go to Harlem Williams.com. Click on my stand-up schedule. Don't forget, you can get my book.

The things you don't know, you don't know, available at harlomwilms.com store, amongst other things, CDs, DVDs, artwork, t-shirts, all kinds of fun stuff. And that's it, man. That's all I got. I'm going to go sit down and write a letter to myself. But I just want to thank you all for being here.

As always, it's great to have you. Please tell your friends about the Harland Highway. Make sure that they're not robbed of this incredible opportunity. A chance to ride for free down a funny stretch of road known as the Harland Highway. and I hope you're doing good, everybody. Thank you so much for spending some time here, having a laugh, having a chuckle. And until next time, everybody, seriously.

Okay, seriously, chicken. Chow-May, baby.