The Harland Highway - PODCAST 267

Episode Date: May 11, 2011

An interview with Highway favorite Justin Shclegel. Momma get the ballpark franks!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Yeah, welcome, everybody. Welcome to the Harland Highway. Yeah, you feel good, yeah. Hey, everybody. Welcome to the Harlan Highway. It's me. Guess who? No, go ahead, guess.

You can't figure it out, can you? It's me. Harlem Williams. Names right in the title of the show. Thanks a lot. Wow. Harlan Williams, the Harlan Highway. Hello! Winning!

All right, don't know what that meant, but this show is winning today. Special guest today, all show. Hilarious, funny. You're going to like this guy. You've heard them before. I'm not going to tell you who it is. Okay, you didn't guess my name at the beginning. I'm not going to tell you who the guest is.

All right, you're just going to have to put your Sherlock Holmes hat on and figure it out. And do it quick, because here we go. You are on the Harlan Highway. Welcome to the Harland Highway. You fellas been doing a bit of booze and have you? Sucking back on Grandpa's old cough medicine. There's an element of uncontrolled chaos. The Harland Highway.

Serving everyone from presidents and kings to the scum of the earth. What a treat. Oh, wait. Was you a great big fat person? You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. You need many years of therapy. Hey, Harlan. It's Stephanie from Bedford.

Just do me. You might want to think twice before sticking your penis in there. Just do me. You're riding down the Harland Highway with Harlan Williams. Hey, everybody. This is Harland. Harland Williams, and you are on the Harlan Highway. What a sh-sh...

show i have tonight and i dragged out the show part because i don't even know why it's just the way i feel i'm excited about my special guest in the studio we've had him here before he's actually one of the faves if not the fave on the whole harland highway love having this cat here he's a comedian he's an actor he's hilarious he's smart he's witty he loves granola his name ladies and gentlemen and i I've learned to get it right. It's Justin Schlegel is here. Justin, did I do it right? Spot on, friend.

Spot on, except I have a granola allergy. Oh, damn it, damn it. My nipples lactate bone marrow if I eat one sweet and sunny halty bar. Well, you better not get around any hyenas because they love the bone marrow. Do they? Oh, yeah. The hyena has the most powerful bone marrow. bite, I think, next to a crocodile or alligator, and they actually get, like, zebra femurs

and bite them open and eat the marrow inside. That's how powerful their jaws are. The Animal Kingdom's version of the fat kid that just can't wait to get to the cream and the twinkies, so he sinks in, pulls that sweet cream out of the middle. Oh, God, marrow's gross. Do you have marrow? You probably have marrow in your bones, right? You never had anybody cook with marrow?

No. I had a dish. Someone prepared a dish with marrow. I think it was like a beef bone, a very large beef bone. They cut it off the two ends, segmented it, and they roast the bone marrow, and you take this small, it almost looks like a little melon bowl type spoon, and you scoop it out of there.

It's seasoned and all that. It's like a patte almost. Wait, give me the name of the person that prepared this dish for you. It was a Jonathan Schoenberger from Bowie, Maryland. Oh, oh, wait. Was he a great big fat person? They're real, that. You were eating at Hannibal Lecter's house, dude.

Nobody cooks bone marrow. That's what cannibals eat. I wondered why I was the only guy there. It was a table for one in a well, and he kept squirt and lotion at me while I was eating the free bread waiting for the bone marrow, which, mind you, only thing on the menu. Only thing. It was a choice between bone marrow or a skin suit. You were eating. How is dinner in the well?

Is it hard to talk in a well, like casual dinner conversation because of the echo and stuff? Can I get some, some, some, bread, bread, down, down, down here, here, here, where, where, where, our, our, blah, da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. This barrel, it's delicious. So how's your dad, that, good, good, good. Oh, my God, well, good. Oh, my God, well, good. I'm sorry I got that wrong, but I got your name right. And we are, we're going to kick it off.

man. Welcome back. I love to have the air. So windy out tonight. It's windy, yeah. Casa del Williams. Yeah, it's very windy outside the studio today. And, you know, things blow around. Have you ever been hit by something blowing around on a windy day? I've never been hit by anything blown around on a windy day. But in my car, six years ago with a girlfriend on the road during like a really windy type rainstorm, a guy's hubcap popped off and like, A Ford Fairlane Ninja Star flies up and just wedges itself in the windshield. Shattered the windshield and stuck itself in. Okay, so let me get this straight. You were in your car with your girlfriend.

It was blowing. Blowing hard. I think that's all I need to know. That's all you need. And something popped off, he said? Something popped off. Hubcap. Hubcap from another car popped off.

Bounce, bounce, bounce. Three bounces trace for the Spanish listeners. crunch right into the windshield. Wow. Three bounces and you're out. 92. Unbelievable. Let's get going though.

I got important questions to ask you. Ask why. I got to know because I know you love music. What is your favorite 80s song, buddy? Oh, my favorite 80s song. Oh, God. Yeah. Probably stop the world and melt with you.

I'd stop the world and drive with me. I love there's one song. there's one lyric in there there's one moment in that song that I love it's my favorite part of that song and he goes what does he go he goes I stop the world

and then he goes something like never really never realizing it had long gone by or something what's that what's that why I stop the world I've seen some changes and it's getting better

yeah never really something about starting the race, never realizing the race had long gone by. He was waiting for the starting gun, never realized that the race... Either that's long gone by. Either

that or 99 Luftballoons. Oh my God. I love that song. German one, right? The German one. And the video where she's got the hairy armpits? Yeah, where she's got the real nasty, furry cave troll hanging out underneath the bicep. Me and my buddies fell in love with Nana because, you know, at the time when that song came out, you know, we were in a world of like, you know, Cindy Lauper's and Madonna's and all the 80s girls with the primed hair and tons of makeup and baggy clothes and jewelry.

And she had a Joan Jet kind of look to her. She looked like a little dirty, a little grungy. Yeah. She was like mock three, schmock three. We're going to let this undergrowth pour out. Yeah, she was just natural, you know? She just seemed like a real natural woman. She didn't care about all that showmanship crap. She was just, she oozed like kind of a sexuality and a sexiness.

Hold on. That might be her. Hold on. Wait. Is that Nana? Hold on. I'm afraid to answer it. Oh, God. Who's it saying?

Is that Captain Lou Albando from the 1980? I think, look, I'm looking at the caller ID that's Nana, Nana from 99-Luff balloon. That is. That is 99 Luft balloons. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Don't pick up. Don't do you think she's bugged this place? Don't turn around, but there is a red balloon in the window. Oh, my God.

Oh, God. 99 iPhone rings. I'm ignoring everything because it's her. There's a line in that song. Did you ever hear the English version? Yeah, where it's pretty apocalyptic. I mean, they're singing about the end of the world in that song. Yeah, and there's one line in that song that I love.

She goes, If I could find a souvenir just to prove that I was here. I love that. It's such a simple lyric, but if I could get a souvenir just to prove that I was here, why does that, why does that move me? Let me ask you a question. Yeah. Post-apocalyptic wasteland. Mad Max is Rome in the Desert.

Thunderdome is off in the desert. distance he finds a relic he holds it up in his hand he says harland williams was here i ask you friend what is he holding a bottle of relish did you said you said relish right i said he holds a relic oh i thought you meant because i do make relish i make homemade relish did you know that that's why i thought where you're going with this no well if you make homemade relish and it's properly jarred and properly sealed then it could possibly stand and the relic he picks up could be my relish. You could be like, this has got a real nice pickle to vinegar content. It's sweet, but not too sweet. I'd put this maybe on a, maybe on a Cuban sandwich, maybe on a nice dog as I

watch a baseball game. This reminds me of the late great Harlan Williams. That's great. He goes, look at my relic, relish. Look at my relic, relish. Look at my relish relish. Look at my relish relish. Do you relish this relish of I have of a relic? I could leave behind by accident a post-apocalyptic the very first tongue twister. It could be like seashells, seashells by the sheeshore, but it's like Mad Max found a relish relic on the wreckage or something.

Right? It's the beginnings of a new tongue twister. He wrecked as he relished his relic of relish. Oh, boy. I'm not even going to, not only am I not going to try and say that three times, I won't even try to say it two times. Don't even do it once because you will get

TMJ. Don't do it. No, let me ask you, why is i'll stop the world speaking of uh post apocalyptic stopping the world why is that your favorite 80s song that is just the one that like when it pops up i just immediately just turn it up it's either that or and i like 99 luff balloons these are just ones that just bring up like good memories as a kid um anything bon jovi anything jovi but wait wait no no no you're getting ahead of me why that song what about what about all stop the world That was your first choice.

I got to know, what is it in that song? Is it the beat? Is it the rhythm? Is it the lyrics? Is it a point in your life or something special? Why is that song your favorite? You know what it is? Why don't you tell the listeners?

Maybe there's a secret behind it. Can you tell us the secret, please? You're on the Harland Highway. Please share. There comes a time in every young boy's life where he begins to explore himself with his hands. Okay. and every now and then that young man tries to create an ambiance around him

where people won't hear things occurring and maybe maybe you know you wanted it you're getting Williams you get it okay and there when my dad busted through the poorly locked door and he heard the hey

I'll stop the world and I'll melt with you and he flicked the light on and what did he find what did he find just Justin, Sands pants, sucking applesauce off his own toes, exploring my body. Mott's chunky cinnamon applesauce. That's what I knew how to love myself. That's what I knew to be proud of my ever-changing body.

I'd stop the world and melt with you and suck chunky apple sauce off of your big toe, not the pinky toe. Why? Because that's weird. Wow, I get it. Okay. That's what happened. I should have just left well enough alone. Yeah, you cracked open that Pandora's box of emotion.

Yeah, wow. I can never listen to that song again. I'd stop the world. No. No. No. No. Stop it.

Stop it. I've seen some changes. Mockley, crew. Getting apples sauce off of your toe with my mouth. I got to change the subject really fast. Don't you consider doing that? No, listen. Okay.

Who likes sex more? Men or women? I'm going to go with guys. Really? For the most part, yeah. Really? See, my life experiences, I used to think that, but I feel like, I feel like, I feel like as I've gone through life, I feel like women can be just as needy and horny as a guy and

sometimes even more kind of scheming and manipulative. But I think guys have a tendency to enact and actually get at it more so, where a woman can do a good job of internalizing it, and fantasizing and maybe using it as a manipulative measure to get a guy to do something, a guy will fall on like, hi, I'm Jerry, you're Brenda. see your vagina now? I'd like to see your vagina. Can I? No? Okay. I'll be in the woods. Yeah. But meanwhile, the woman's like, it is very nice to meet you. I had a fantastic evening. And I'll call you tomorrow. Meanwhile, girl voice in the head. I want to see his balls, but don't say anything. I want to see cinnamony radishes, but make him wait.

Show him your vagina. Don't show him your vagina. If he asks, act disgusted, even though you want to show it. him. Can I see your vagina? Good Lord, no. Show it to him. But don't show it to him. That's her inner monologue. Is that the vagina monologue? The inner vagina monologue? Reach into your underwear and pull out a handful of sweet homemade relish and scare him. Say, sample this vaginal relish. Don't pull my homemade relish into your sex fantasy, please. Um, well, on On that note, let me ask you this, okay? Scenario. Okay. Okay. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is

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and 100% free shipping, code Harlan. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. If you were to crash on an island, like let's say a plane or a boat or something, right? and there's three hot girls and you and there's one other guy okay and you know you're going to be there for a long time it's one of those castaway scenarios but you have company an extra guy and three girls right do you off the guy do you lord of the rings the god lord of the flies the guy or do you keep them around oh keep them around really now why keep them around keep them around because you're

going to be able to split the duties with you okay you feel like often that guy because you have three delicious chalupas that you're going to be smanging that's smashing and bang and that's a combination both but you keep him around you split the duties one day you get firewood one day he fishes one day he makes the match the next day you climb to the top of that rock in the distance and try and signal for help and if you're by yourself yeah it's going to be great for about a week or so when you're go ahead and dip in your wick and all those three girls wax but you're not going to be able to satisfy them after much longer right you need him there so he's he's a survival tool oh yeah oh absolutely wow okay oh yeah he's the animal to your hawk and the road borders

You need that. But what if he starts kind of, you know, if you get into that kind of tribal mentality, that Lord of the Flies mentality, and what if he tries to kind of become the tribal leader, so to speak? And he's the only one that allows privileges with the women and stuff. Are you worried about that? Smash him in the head with the coconut, but not enough to kill him, enough to give him a severe learning disability. So he's like your island tard.

Exactly. He's i-tart. I-tard. Does an apple make one of those? The new I-Tard. Yeah. There's an app for that. He's eye-tarded. He just has a big apple symbol on his head while he screams about apples.

No, you have him with you. He becomes your little good man Friday. Yeah. And then that's even better. You do that the minute you get there, regardless of whether or not he tries to. Good, okay. Smash him in the back of the head with a copper pipe. He can't enjoy the fruits of their vaginal bounty,

but he can still wopo campfire. Yeah, good. Okay, good. I love it. What will your final words be on your deathbed, Mr. Schlegel? Is that loaded? Nice. Let's move on.

Perfect. Perfect. Is that loaded? Wow. That'll be it. See, again, you didn't miss a beat. That'll be it. You've thought this through, haven't you?

I've had my dad in a nice scotch bender standing over top of me going, You weren't planned. You weren't planned. And then he spins the barrel in that 38 caliber stub-nosed revolver. He says, you ever seen the deer hunter boy put this redhead band on? I get to be walking. Wow. Mau!

Mao! Wow. That's a great answer, man. Wow. Is that thing loaded? Did I ever tell you the hot dog story with my dad? No. I never told you this.

What is it? No, please. I mean, we've talked about relish. What goes better with? relish than a hot dog please but not this hot dog oh god harland it was a night not unlike a night like tonight this night that we're experiencing this very night it was windy outside it wasn't rainy but it was windy okay full moon in the distance is about two thirty five in the morning it's a wednesday i have school the next day my dad's been out of a bowling tournament all night and he

hasn't returned in his normal nine p.m. time i made my brother and i dinner what do we have bagel bites i gave him ten i got five that night i hear the door creak open my dad standing in the doorway, I can smell the scotch 12 feet away, thick and heavy in the air as it dances across his taste spots. Wow. He makes his way towards the edge of my bed. He sits down. He brushes the hair away from my face.

I'm awake, but I'm acting like I'm asleep. How old are you? He used to be over. I'm 12 at the time. Okay. I'm getting nervous. He reaches into his shirt pocket, where the pocket protector would be,

where a pen, maybe a marker. Oh, no. And he pulls out. A fully cooked but room temperature ballpark Frank and proceeds to rub it back and forth across my lips. Get out! He did it for the better part of two to three minutes, and I have to act like I'm asleep. He puts it back in his pocket, lets out this long, soul-stirring sigh, stands up, walks to the doorway, and hits a second sigh. walks into his bedroom, goes to sleep.

To this day, I've never brought it up. Okay. Your listeners are the first people hearing this. Let me break this down. There aren't support groups for people that have been through this. If he'd have had sex with me, that would have been more normal. I could talk to people about that. There's nobody I could talk to about tubes of processed pork being rubbed across my grocery home.

We're going to talk about it right now. Here's what happened. As you said, I'm going back in time. You pretended you were asleep. When one pretends they're asleep, their eyes are shut. That was not a ballpark Frank. It needs to be a ballpark Frank. Oh, you poor, you poor boy.

It needs to. Either it was a ballpark Frank or my dad had had sex with a hot dog vendor that night. Okay. Dude, you said it was room temperature. It was kind of semi-warm. Room temperature. cylindrical in nature. Okay, your groin area is probably the warmest area on your body next to your armpits.

Son, you need some counseling, and I am going to give you a bottle of relic. That is the most bizarre story ever. It was horrible. At any point, did you open your eyes? I did. No, here's the thing is I was lying on my side like this. He sat here and just withdrew. I know for a fact it was a hot dog.

How? Because I kind of had the eye crease thing. But it was dark. It was in a dark room. But he was holding it his hand. Unless he had a detachable hobgoblin, okay? Unless he had a removable Velcro breakfast link. This was a hot dog.

You must have been able to smell it, right? I smelled. We grew up on hot dogs. Yeah. And not the good kind, too. We never had buns. We always had the fold of white bread, really white trashy. Yeah, yeah.

We ate a lot. A lot of soup out of hubcaps. And he, sure enough, at some point in his night, he ordered a hot dog or ordered too many hot dogs. He said, you know what? This one's coming home with me. Sir, do you need a bag for that? No. It's going in the pocket.

Yeah. Who do I know that likes hot dogs? Yeah. Right here besides the old click-click, okay? Who do I know that loves hot dogs, my first board? Wow. Maybe I'll leave it in the fridge for him. Or maybe, just maybe.

I'll rub it back and forth, his paragraph dispenser. in the middle of the night while I sigh and exhale thick granddad whiskey breaths. Well, let me, let me create another scenario that isn't quite so creepy. How about this? You were his oldest boy. Yes, his first born. A father

loves to take his boy to the ballpark. That's a bonding thing. Maybe he was feeling melancholy or sad that his boy wasn't with him at the game. And he's like, you know what, I wish my kid was at the game with me, eating a hot dog, watching the yank.

Yankees are the Orioles, doing what kids and fathers do in America. I'm drunk. I got to go home and I got to just somehow rub this experience off on my son, and I'm taking a ballpark Frank, and he's asleep. He'll never know, but I'm going to rub the wiener on his lips, and I'm going to kind of be crying a little bit, and I'm going to sigh because I'm sad and rub, rub, rub. Oh, that's my boy.

I wish he was at the game with me. But he had just gotten back from a bowling tournament. So it wasn't even, okay, now I'm really worried. Yeah, there was no reason for him to have taken that hot dog and rubbed it back and forth across my face. To this day, he doesn't know that I know. And I have waited for the window to bring it up. Why did you rub that hot dog on my face when I was 12?

He never hit us, rarely ever cussed. Yeah. All right. He drank from time to time, but for the most part, he flew straight and narrow. But one night, the train came off the effing tracks. I'm wondering if it, did you remember being asleep after Thanksgiving? Like, do you ever remember like a giant turkey drumstick rubbing around on your cheeks or on your face and your eye socket? My brother insists that my dad emptied the contents of a chicken and cheese hot pocket directly onto his face.

Wow. He insists that he took it fresh. out of the crisping sleeve, the crisping sleeve, gave it a real good squeeze like you're at the life end of a tube of toothpaste and gave him a real good, I love you. Chicken and cheese, chicken and cheese across the brown. Wow. I just got to stop for a moment here and say, you know, out of all the Harlan highways, out of all the interviews, out of all the bits, this is by far probably the oddest, weirdest story yet that kind of, of leaves one a little bit baffled, uncertain what to say, where to go with it, how to take it, mystified, a little nervous, but somehow amusing as hell, unbelievable.

It's a weirdest, wackiest story ever. Would you like another one that he told me that he knows he told me? It's brief. Oh, we got it. Now, can this one top the rubbing weiner in the middle of the night? To some people it will, to some it won't. It's not as spooky, but this is a story about how my dad completely hit Control Alt delete on all parental authority from the age of 17 on. We got to hear it.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey, put the brakes on. Not so fast, okay? I think after that intense story, that nerve-wracking, weird, psycho two, Norman Bates, like, freaky, I need to take a shower story. I think we have to call that a cliffhanger, okay? He says he's got another story in the chamber. Okay, I'm not sure that you guys can handle another story like that.

The midnight weaner rubbing or my face story, it's just too much to handle. So what I'm going to do for the first time in Harland Highway history, I'm plugging in a cliffhanger. Okay? I know you want to hear the next story. I don't know if it's good, if it's bad, but you know what?

You're going to have to wait till next time. You're like, you bastard, you bastard! I'm getting off the Harlan Highway. No, you're not getting off the Harlan Highway, because we will send people to your homes. We know where you live. We will wait till one minute before midnight, and we will send them in to rub fresh hot dog weaners

on your mouth while you're asleep. So I don't think you're going anywhere, are you? My thanks to Justin, I promise we will be back. I'll tell you what, why don't we pick this up at the same time next week? okay so uh the same day same time next week we'll finish up our interview with justin schlegel more laughs more giggles and don't forget as always with justin we will be doing the harland williams harland highway nature quiz uh justin's gotten pretty good at it but let's see if we

can stump him this time and let's uh let's listen in a more of his incredible stories or therapy stories in a week from now, okay? Fair is fair, a cliffhanger, there you go. So that brings us into the end of the show, sadly. I know. I know it hurts.

It's not fair. But let me fill you in on where I am going to be. So you can be there, too, if you need to be. Mr. B. Um, okay, uh, next week,

I will be in Michigan. I will be in Royal Oak, Michigan, which is right around the Detroit area at Mark Ridley's Comedy Castle. Okay? It's going to be Thursday, the 19th, Friday the 20th,

and Saturday the 21st, royal oak michigan and i'll tell you what folks i've only played detroit once in my whole career and that was about 15 years ago and they were killer fans killer audiences and for whatever reason just the way life takes you i've never been back up to that region so i am really looking forward to getting back into detroit hope you can come out and see me and uh you know if you're just across the border in Canada and Windsor or Sarnia or Chatham, pop on over, pop on down and see the kid. If you need the information, go to harlowe Williams.com.

You can hit me up at the website. Just look on my stand-up schedule and all the ticket and showtime information is there. You can reserve if you need to. Don't forget you can get the Harlan Highway at Stitcher.com. They have a free app for your cell phone. And don't forget harlain williams.com merchandise store where you can get DVDs, radios, hand-drawn t-shirts. That's right, I hand-draw them.

They're one-of-a-kind. Nobody else has one, okay? Because I'm all about originality. So you can go there and look there. My book, The Things You Don't Know You Don't Know is on sale. That comes autographed if you want one. and this is great, man. A great interview with Justin,

and as I said, next week we will pick it up again the second half of the Justin Schlegel interview. I want to thank Justin for being here today. And most of all, I want to thank you guys and girls and men and women and fetuses and people with clubbed feet. For being here. Hope you had a great time. And until next time, my friends, chicken.

Chow May, baby. 99 dreams I have had. Everyone, a red balloon. It's all over and I'm standing pretty. In this house that was a city. If I could find a souvenir just to prove the world was here. And here is a red balloon, I think of you, let it go.