The Harland Highway - PODCAST 268

Episode Date: May 13, 2011

Lady GaGa is ga ga, dinosaur sounds, KFC with something new, the birds and the bees, Life Coach Dr. Debbie Thymer. Slap your slippers silly!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

What a show, what a show, what a crazy, crazy, crazy, naughty show. Yeah, a little showtune action right out of the gate there. I don't know why, because this isn't a live play. This is a podcast, so you have to ask, what's wrong with me? But who cares what's wrong with me? This is about you. This is your podcast. This is for you to have a few giggles and chuckles and whatnots.

And here's what we got in the lineup today. Yeah, I'm going to be, I'm going to be busting out on Lady Gaga, okay? I'm calling her out. And you might be a fan, you might not be, but I've got some stuff to say about Gaga, okay? So put on your Gaga belt. Here it comes. We're going to be talking about dinosaurs. Yeah.

Does anyone know what they really sounded like? We're going to discover that. KFC is thinking about adding something new to their menu. I think you'll find interesting. We will be getting into that. Dr. Debbie Timer is here today taking calls. She's a life coach, and she's very good at helping people solve their life issues. And speaking of life issues, the birds and the bees.

Did you get the talk? I never got the talk, and I'm going to talk about it, Because I'm flapping all over. The Harland Highway! Welcome to the Harland Highway. You fellas been doing a bit of booze and have you? Sucking back on Grandpa's old cough medicine. There's an element of uncontrolled chaos.

The Harland Highway. Serving everyone from presidents and kings to the scum of the earth. What a treat. Oh, wait. Was you a great big fat person? You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. of therapy.

Hey, Harlan, it's Stephanie from Bedford. Just do me. You might want to think twice before seeking your penis in there. Just do me. You're riding down the Harland Highway with Harlan Williams. Hey, it's Harlan Williams, and you're on the Harlan Highway, and are you hungry? Are you hungry for KFC? Do you want that good old KFC?

permeating all over you, the 11 herbs and spices. But you don't necessarily want chicken. You just want that taste? Well, how about this? KFC is now offering at some stores, KFF, Kentucky Fried Fish. They're jumping into the fish pool. Kentucky Fried Fish. Yeah, I'll have two.

legs, a thigh, a breast, and a dorsal fin, please. And can I get a, uh, a tail and some catfish whiskers, please? Covered with that delicious batter? Hello? What's next? Yeah, could I have a a KFS, Kentucky fried salad? Yeah, you can just deep fry that lettuce for me. Yeah, and I'll have a Kentucky fried cheeseburger. And, uh, uh, how about a Kentucky Fried fried chocolate milkshake, yeah, 11 herbs and spices in that shake. Yes, that's what I said, yes. And do you mind if I just, I brought my goldfish from my fish tank? Would you mind just dropping these in? They're getting too big for my tank. And if you could just fry them up for them, I might as well eat them. I was going to flush them down the toilet, but I might as well

KFF them. Oh, man. Everything changes, kids. I'll see you over at KFF. Hi, I'll have a family dolphin bucket, please? Hello! Oh, yes. I got to bring something up that might rub some people the wrong way because she is, this woman is like peaking right now. She's adored by millions and billions. And some of you might love her,

and what I'm about to say might piss you off. but I just got to say it. I can't keep it in my mouth any longer. And this is just my personal opinion. Okay? But I got to say it, man. Lady Gaga makes me want a Gaga. Okay?

That woman is not sexy to me. I'm sorry. She's not good-looking. She's not sexy. She's not ugly, but she has very average looks. And this isn't about her music. This isn't about who she is as a person, about her talent. But what she does try to do in her image is sexualize everything.

Her videos are very provocative. She wears very provocative clothing. She presents a very sexual image. She creates a lot of sexual imagery. And that's fine and dandy. Remember Madonna did all that stuff? Whoopi-do. It's fun.

It's provocative. The difference is Madonna was kind of sexy. Madonna had those bedroom eyes and kind of the big, big red lips. And I don't know. Madonna just, you know, in her prime came off really hot. Okay? I'm sorry, Lady Gaga, but want you to take the conch shell off your head and the lettuce wraps off your breasts

and the, you know, the radiator grill off the front of your mouth and the 79 coats of Sherman Williams industrial paint off your eye shadow face. There ain't much there. I'm just telling you, you know, the type of girl that I wouldn't turn around and look at. I'm sorry, I know it sounds mean.

I'm just calling it what it is. If you were hot, if you were like a supermodel hot, if you were like Daryl Hannah or, you know, Angelina Jolie, I'd say hot. But I'm sorry, the truth is you're not that hot, gaga. And if there's nothing that rubs me more the wrong way, it's when girls that aren't that hot try to overcompensate and hot it out. with all this provocative sexual choreographing and, uh, you know, these videos and the tight clothes and the your ass crack hanging out and her boobs barely covered and I'm sorry.

Okay, would you mind doing a concert? And this is how I, you know, I've seen your videos and then I caught you doing a, uh, a thing on HBO. I could only watch for about five, six minutes. You came out with, like, lemon yellow hair, and you're almost, almost looked like the Joker from the Batman series. You had so much, like, makeup on. And, you know, your bodies, like you're slim and trim, but there's something about you, you know,

some people exude sexuality, okay? Some people just have sex in their eyes, in their spirit, in their soul. You know, I'd have to say Angelina Jolie kind of exudes a certain sexuality. Okay, Bridget Bardot exuded sexuality. You know, Megan Fox, you know, some might go slutty, but she still exudes a sexuality that somehow the camera captures it the screen picks it up it's in the eyes it's in the lips it's in the body language it's in the vulnerability but gaga lady gaga to me is just trying so hard pumping and grinding and shoving it in your face and you know basically getting a yellow highlighter and going look look how

sexual i am look how sexy my videos are look how risque and provocative i am Look how I contort my body and almost show you all the way up my... And it's so pushed, Gaga, that it's turning me off. It's not working, baby. Now, here's what I do like. I like that you are an artist. I love it that you push the envelope. I think your songs are actually quite good.

You know, as far as poppy commercial songs, are no worse, no better than Madonna's. And I can't deny you your originality and your artistic flair. I love it. Amazing. Good for you. Full points. But I don't know, man.

You're trying to push a square peg into a round hole with the whole. I'm so sexual. Oh, aren't I sexy? Oh, look at me. Bend my pelvis backwards. Cirque to solace it right in your forehead and grind it around like a deli roast beef sandwich. No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

So I don't know what the answer is. Maybe you've got to tone the sexy stuff back. Or maybe just come out in like overalls and a little engineer's hat and some steel-toe boots. Because I got to say, I'd probably see a girl like you more on a construction site or bagging groceries at a grocery store versus seeing you at a high-end strip club. Okay? That's just me. Now, some of you are probably going, oh, you're crazy, Williams.

Screw you. I'm not listening to your show anymore, which some people do, believe it or not. you know they'll listen to like 300 episodes and then i'll say one thing that they're like oh what what an idiot man i'm never listening to another one again yeah i get letters from people and stuff like i'm turning off your podcast man because you said one thing that's like that's like if you were a big fan of anything let's say you were a big fan of michael jordan right and in a crucial game he missed a shot or even in an average game he missed a shot and you were unhappy would you never watch michael jordan again let's say one of your actors did a movie that was a bomb would you never go

to that actor's movie again you got to figure when i'm doing this podcast and i'm doing bits and i'm spewing out stuff and ideas and concepts and opinions of course there's going to be some stuff that you don't agree with and i think that's kind of fun actually it's fun to kind of get heated up and go what's wrong with that guy man what a dillweed so do you know hang in there people don't don't jump ship if you hear one rotten tomato in the basket that you don't like because uh why don't you think why don't you focus on all the bits you loved all the bits that made you laugh all the bits you agree with remember nothing i say is right or concrete or in stone it's just it's just talk It's just, uh, it's just, uh, my opinion, it's, it's an idea. But one thing I never do is, uh, point the finger in your face and say, I'm right, and you're wrong. No, you, you, you are free to dispute anything I say, but just keep listening. You don't have to, you don't have to go away mad like a little baby.

I'm not listening to him anymore. He said, Lady Gaga's not sexy. Yeah, that's right. That was Lady Gaga hitting you in the face with a golf club. So there you go. I won't get off onto another tirade here. I'm just saying, you know. It's my opinion.

Gaga, 10 on talent, not much on the sexy. And I wonder if any of the dudes out there, or even the women, you know, you guys can chime in. What do you think, man? Maybe you want to give me a call or write me a letter. And you can call me at 888, 52090. Did I hit the nail on the head with Gaga overselling the sexy and it's not working? Or do you think she's incredibly sexy and I should become a monk and be celibate for the rest of my life?

888, 52090, the Lady Gaga debate. Ooh, starting to rage. Or you can write me at harlonewilliams.com. I like to know what you think. Meanwhile, I'm going to go, Pup, Pooke her face. Pup, Pooke her face. Yeah, I'm going to put a fireplace poker in her face.

Get sexy. Pup, Poker face. Doesn't it suck that we don't know what dinosaurs sound like, sure, we get all the bones and we've reconstructed their features and we think we know what they look like and what color they were. And you watch Jurassic Park and they're like, they got these horrible roars, but what if they didn't really sound like that, man? What if you, like, were living back in that time?

And a T-Rex rolled up on you, and he was like, Come stomping up, and he opens his giant mouth full of teeth, and he's like... Who knows? It's possible. You weren't there. Prove me wrong. Dinosaurs. Always present here on the Harland Highway.

Hey, Harlan. I miss Dr. Debbie Time. That's my favorite. You got to do more Debbie timer. The one episode where the little girl was bleeding, I was laughing so hard, I called up my buddy, and I told him,

you've got to download this podcast. And he's been hooked ever since. He bought an autographed copy of Fudgy Wudgy Fudge Face, which we watched, and that's a great movie. While I was watching it, I thought it was totally stupid, but then I wanted to go back

and see scenes, over and over on YouTube like the yeah bread and the whistling donuts actually that's not on YouTube party part pay foul that was great well keep it up all right take care oh yeah hey everybody who wants to have better sex no yes yes the answer is yes you always want to have better sex that's what you want it to be better not worse trust me and adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority plus 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what

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This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping, Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Yeah, Dr. Debbie Timer and Fudgy-Wudgey Fudge Face. For those of you that didn't pick up on that, Fudgy-Wodgy Fudge Face is my indie movie that I wrote and directed.

It took me six years to do. Bobby Lee from Mad TV, Andy Dick, Tom Papa from the Marriage Ref, Michael Rosenbaum from Smallville, Alonzo Bowden, all kinds of funny people are in the movie. And what's cool is you can actually get it at Amazon. Amazon.com. You can download it and buy it or you can rent it for like, I think it's like $2.99 or $2. It's astronomically cheap. It's a feature-length movie. And yes, I agree with the listener.

It is stupid. In fact, I pride it on being stupid. It's probably the stupidest movie ever made. And you have to see it to believe it. It's got a bit of a homemade feel to it, but it's silly, it's nutty, and if you like twisted, demented humor, I think you'll get a kick out of it.

So check it out on Amazon.com. And see if you can find it there. Fudgy Wudgy Fudge Face. And as for Dr. Debbie Timer, oh my God. Hi, I'm Dr. Debbie Timer, and I'm your life coach. I am my baby's mother's sister's daughter. and it's time to get a life, your life. Okay, here we go. Welcome to the show, everybody.

I'm Dr. Debbie Timer, your life coach, and we are in the studio today taking calls from all over the country, from people like you who have various disruptions in their life that may need a calm, soothing, outside voice to guide them. them through. That's what we do here. I'm your life coach helping with your everyday things and we're taking calls from all over the country to help you through your problems. Let's go to the heartland today from Chester, Oklahoma, where we have Daniel on the line. Daniel, how are you, sir? Ah, Dr. Debbie, thank you so very much for taking my call. This is just an unbelievable moment.

in my life, thank you. I can't tell you how much this means to me, how much you're helping me through what I'm about to tell you I'm going through for basically propping me up, propping me up a real high in the sky. Well, thank you very much. I'm glad I could help. And what does seem to be the dilemma, if I may, in your life these days, Daniel?

Well, Dr. Debbie, it's an embarrassing situation. It's something that's been happening out in the public that I don't know if I have control over. It's my wife. Okay, your partner, your wife is causing a flare-up, and is this something new that you're dealing with? Yes, it's something that's behavior I've never seen. I don't know if it's a mid-life crisis.

I just don't understand why. it is, Doctor. Well, why don't you try and describe it to me, and I understand this is emotional. It's very emotional, Doctor, but I'm sure you're familiar with the term role-playing, Doctor. Have you heard of this term role-playing? I'm very familiar, sir, and it's quite common. How old is your wife, sir?

She's just turned 43, and I'll be goddamned if she's not role-playing all over the place, right out in the middle of the public where everyone can see it, and it is disturbing, doctor. It is unhealthy, and it is goddamn embarrassing. Okay, sir, we're going to have to ask you to reel in the language a little bit. I'm terribly sorry, Dr. Debbie. I'm just so emotional about the role playing. Well, why don't you describe a little what's happening?

I just don't know if I can. It's so unseemly, so unsightly to see how. Grown woman out in public role-playing, Dr. Debbie. Sir, you're going to have to calm the fuck down. I'm sorry, doctor. I'm sorry. Let me try and describe the last. That's it.

Take a breath. The last time it happened, Dr. Debbie, we were out at a public restaurant. We were at the Sizzler Steakhouse of all goddamn places. Sir, you're going to have to stop. with the fucking swearing. I'm sorry that we were at the Sizzler Steakhouse, Dr. Debbie. And right there, in the middle of the dinner hour, it was peak dinner hour, Dr. Debbie.

And here goes my wife, role playing at the Sizzler Steakhouse in the middle of the table, right there on the tablecloth, right beside the salt and pepper shakers. Oh, my goodness, that is a bit unusual. unusual, sir, to do it under those circumstances. And all the other patrons in the restaurant, Dr. Debbie Timer, they were staring at us.

They were giving us horrible looks, and I've never felt more humiliated. Can you believe she did her role playing right in front of the children? Now, you're talking about she dressed up as a cheerleader or an airline stewardess, that type of thing? No, no, she was in just a regular clothes. okay um okay so it was more of a domestic role playing fantasy uh if that's what you want to call it dr debby i mean it was just disgusting and there were they was just out of control okay and was she slowly taking her clothes off uh was she urging you to get naked get involved in some kind of sexual act and i beg your pardon a sexual act kind of linguist or Philatio. All right, that is disgusting timer. Well, I'm just asking you, sir. You're the one that brought up the role playing. Yes, and she was role playing. I mean, she took those buns right out of that bread basket and started rolling them around on the table.

It looked like she was playing a mock game of checkers. She was jumping the dinner rolls over each other one after the... Excuse me? If you'd let me finish, Dr. Debbie. She was moving. the pieces around like check pieces. At one point, she put a croissant and a cheese bun right next to each other and yelled checkmate right in the middle of the... Sir, are we talking about role-playing or not? Well, that's what they are.

They're dinner rolls. Are you fucking kidding me, sir? I'm sorry? You called me because your wife is playing around in a restaurant with bread, dinner rolls. Well, that's role-playing. I don't know why she plays with them. I saw her juggling a couple of cheese buns right over by the salad bar, and I'll tell you what. Sir, do you mind?

This is fucking ridiculous. Role-playing, for your information, sir, is very sexual, okay? Role-playing is a sexual activity that couples engage in. Usually when their sex life gets a little boring. It slows down. They dress up. They try different characters. All right, you are a pervert timer. What the hell are you talking about?

Sir, this is sexual activity. You are one disgusting pig timer. What would you like me to lay down on the table and have my wife roll a cob of corn halfway up my penis shaft and then back down and slide it back and forth on my nutbag? Is that what you're talking? Sir, will you stop with the profanities? Or maybe I should lay her down in the salad bar and stuff some croutons up around. Is that what you'd like, timer? You pervert, I know about your kind.

Sir, you're going to have to hang up. Maybe I could lay her down in a buffet. Oh, Diamond, she could put some turnip juice all over my face, and I could rub a big slab, a finely cut prime ribbed all over her titty hawks. Is that what you'd like, you pervert? Sir, hang up, you son of a bitch. Don't tell me what to do. You're lucky I don't call the FF, C-A-Y on you, Timer.

is the F.F. I don't know. I'm so upset. I made up letter. Sir, would you hang up, you stupid fuck? Okay, that's it. What, would you like me to rub some fucking raisin bread on my wife's ass and put some coleslaw on her head and duck her around like a shiny? Sir, hang up, you dill weed. Up yours, time. Are you a pervert?

Hang up, sir. Pervert. Hang up! Unbelievable. I am so sorry. Who was that idiot? Putting dinner rolls. I'm Dr. Debbie Timer, your life coach.

I do apologize for that. And we'll be back next time with more of your calls, helping you deal with your life on Dr. Debbie Timer, life coach. Don't ever let that asshole phone back again. Are you kidding me? Cheese buns and croissants. You're lucky I don't fire your ass Wow

Okay Awkward Um Very very awkward Yikes Uh Wow Okay we got we got to clear the air here

Let's just step away A lot of tension there Dr. Debbie And let's just clear the air Yeah, that's birds singing and bees buzzing. The birds and the bees. Yeah. How many of you remember that first sex talk from your parents?

Are you like me? They never said a word. They just made you figure it out on your own. That first time when you're a boy, you wake up and you're like, Mommy, something's longer on my body. What is it? I don't know. I don't know.

Eat your weaties. Just don't talk about it. Just eat your weaties. Go ask your father. Daddy, what's this thing on my body that's longer? I couldn't tell you, son. Maybe you've got a, it's an infection. Maybe you're allergic to your sheets.

I didn't get the talk. You know what my parents did, and this is the truth, man? I'd come home when I was like 11 years old, 10, 11, 12. They didn't have the guts to talk to me about sex, so they'd leave a little booklet on my pillow. I'd go into my bedroom, la-di-da, playing with my hockey cards, dropping G.I. Joe's in my fish tank. And I look over on my pillow on my bed, and there's a little pamphlet.

Dr. Corsula talks to 12- to 13-year-olds about sexuality. Okay, first of all, how creepy is it that they snuck in my room and put it on my pillow like a chocolate mint at a fancy hotel? And it's embarrassing and it's weird and I'm just going to read through it. Yeah, right. I would just open my door and throw it in the hallway, man. And then a few days later it would be mysteriously back there again. But they never would they just talk to me about the birds and the bees.

I wonder if porno stars. that have kids talk to their kids about the birds and the bees or do they just like throw on Debbie does Dallas or an old home movie Here's your sex talk kid

Here's the remote control Press play That's me and your father And 12 of his friends Watch this And you'll be all set for life Okay good for you Have a good time

We'll see in an hour We'll go get some cheeseburgers At the drive-thru Can somebody please give me the Birds and the Bees talk. I still haven't had it. Preferably, if someone does want to give me the talk, maybe 5'9, blonde, blue eyes, slim figure, busty, curvy, intelligent, maybe some sexy librarian glasses. I mean, I'm just throwing it out there. If someone wants to help me along, because my parents denied me the Birds and the Bees talk, maybe someone else up there.

Anyways, this was Harlan Williams here. on the Harland Highway. Ow! Yeah, the old birds and bees. If you want to give me a birds and bees talk, you can always call me 888, 500, 2090. Let me know how it all works. I would appreciate it.

Or you can write me at harlowe Williams.com. And, you know, just map it out for me. What are the birds and the bees? I'm sure you all know. I'm just walking around like a nut job, making crop circles in a cornfield. Well, there you go. Speaking of birds and bees, we've flown to the end of the line here today on the Harlan Highway.

Hope you had a groovelicious time. That's right. I said groovilicious. Just a reminder, everybody, that I am going to be in Detroit. Detroit, Michigan. I will be at Mark Ridley's Comedy Castle, Royal Oak, Michigan. On Thursday, the 19th, Friday the 20th, and Saturday the 21st. It's going to be a great show.

Go to Harlem Williams.com. Click on my stand-up schedule to get all the info. And don't forget, you can catch the podcast at Stitcher.com. just go to their website, get the free download, the app, and you are rolling down the Harland Highway. That's it, boys and girls, men and women. We've come to the end of the line. I had a great time.

Hope you had a great time. And until next time, everybody, a big birds and bees bowl of chicken. Chau me, baby. Thank you.