The Harland Highway - PODCAST 269

Episode Date: May 16, 2011

Cindy Crawford chronicles, role playing, internet fights, a mystery guest visits the studio, compact car parking, garlic lovers. Swampy sweet grasses indeed!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

A bing, bang, a boom, baby. You want to party with this? And when I say party with this, I mean podcast. You do want to party with this podcast. What's going on today? What isn't going on today? We're going to be discussing fighting on the Internet. Yeah, people putting their kids up on the Internet and showing them fighting.

We have a visitor coming by. Kind of annoying. I won't give it away. Let's just say he's on a five-year mission to boldly go where no man has gone before. I'll leave it there. We're going to be talking about parking, parking your vehicle. And there's an annoying aspect that I'm going to get into not happy about parking these days. Are you into role-playing boys and girls, men and women?

We're going to talk about that. We're going to get into Cindy Crawford, and I don't mean get into Cindy Crawford. We're going to talk about Cindy Crawford and her infomercials and her family, and yes, her mole. And then we're going to talk about garlic lovers. Are you a garlic lover? Hmm. Are you too much of a garlic lover? We'll see.

And here's something I don't love. Could I be a rapist? Someone implied I might be a rapist This isn't funny, wait are you here Right here on the Harlan Highway Welcome to the Harland Highway You fellas been doing a bit of booze and have you Sucking back on Grandpa's old cough medicine

There's an element of uncontrolled chaos The Harland Highway Serving everyone from presidents and kings To the scum of the earth What a treat Oh wait Was you a great big fat person You just made a wrong turn

onto the Harland Highway. You need many years of therapy. Hey, Harlan, it's Stephanie from Denver. Just do me. You might want to think twice before sticking your penis in there. Just do me. You're riding down the Harland Highway with Harlan Williams. Hey, it's Harlan Williams on Monday, here on the Harlan Highway.

and how was your weekend? Was it provocative? Was it sexy? Was it wild? Did you do anything erotic? Where's my role players at? Yeah, come on. Don't look the other way.

Don't point to the next guy. Where's my role players at? Hell. You know what I'm talking about, you kinky couples. Where's the guys that make their girls get into, like, the cheerleader costume, or the Catholic school girl, or the sexy, nurse. You know you do it, people. And why is it always the girls that end up doing the role playing? The guy's just always the same. Oh yeah, it's me, baby. You're a nurse. So, uh, you know,

act like a nurse, talk like a nurse, pretend you're a nurse. And I'm just going to be me. You know, you never see the guys get into the role plan. And that's probably your lady's fault, you know? You should, you should push us, man. Honey, tonight when you come home, I want you to walk through the door as Spider-Man. I want you to climb all over me. Let's have sticky, sexy insect love. We never get asked to dress up like an oil rig worker or a postman. You know, I guess if girls really wanted to turn on for the average guy that could go,

Oh, honey, would you mind dressing up like someone with a brain? Could you put a suit on and a tie and be half intelligent? Just pretend. For one night out of the whole year, I can pretend I'm with a guy that has some brains. Hello! Yeah, it's a lopsided world, man. You ladies, get the role playing going, man.

Buy your man a suit and give them a clipboard and a briefcase. You're a publicly owned company, and you're one of the stockholders and you want some activity. Harlan Williams. Yeah, I guess you could do some really creepy role playing too if you wanted, you know? I mean, I doubt there's a lot of requests from women for their men to play that creepy guy from Silence of the Lambs. Remember the guy that threw the women down in the well? Right?

It's like, baby, will you be Buffalo Bill tonight? Oh, okay. Why don't you lay down and put the lotion in the basket? Um, why don't I just shove a moth larva up your nose and we'll see what happens. Okay, that's creepy, but I like it. Oh, are you a great big fat person? Psh! Ow!

I like that, too. Or imagine the other guy, Hannibal Lecter. Baby, let's roll play tonight. All right, who do you want me to be? Hannibal Lecter? Um, okay. Why don't you take off your clothes, Clarice? Why don't we do it doggy style tonight, Claris?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. that guy would be fun though right for different voices like i was pissed that you remember how they got a new voice for the aflac guy right aflac and they got some uh you know they got some guy that sounded like aflac i wish they got the uh the silence of the lambs guy right buffalo bill oh wait was she a great big fat person if you don't know who he is listen to my intro to the harland highway you'll hear him say Oh, is she a big fat person? So imagine that guy, that creepy serial killer guy,

he's the new voice for Affleck. Affleck. Affleck. You put the lotion in the aflac. Oh, yeah. Yeah. All right, weird story. Let me get to it.

I think, okay, I think I think I'm. might have been possibly accused of being a rapist today. Yeah. Can you imagine yours truly little old me a rapist? No. Never in a million years. But let me tell you the story wherein I was pulled into somebody's casual, flippant remark and painted to be a rapist.

Yeah, I was mortified. Okay, here it is. I'm sitting at the car. wash okay and there's a little outdoor area where you can wait for your car to come and the guys rub it off and yeah you know clean it and shine it and i'm sitting there and there's one other guy around my age sitting behind me there's a little little table area there was some chairs cheap plastic outdoor chairs you know how good is the lawn furniture at a car wash right so i'm sitting there and all of this cute little girl probably like 25 comes bouncing up and she's got like a cute little

Annie Hall hat on and a little like spring dress very cute very sexy you know Hollywood actress I'm guessing she had all the kind of attributes and all the kind of fanfare of your typical Hollywood actress and she plops down and everyone looks up at each other and smiles and then just goes back to daydreaming right and And then she pops up a few minutes later, goes and gets a Diet Coke. Okay, right? I'm just sitting there. The other guy's sitting there.

Nobody's thinking anything. And she sits down. She pops her Diet Coke, right? Starts fiddling around on her cell phone. We're just waiting, waiting for our darn, you know, vehicles. And all of a sudden she pops up to go to the bathroom or go get something out of her car. I don't know what it was. And she starts to walk away, and then she comes running back.

And she says to the other guy, not to me, but the guy's sitting about seven feet away from me. She goes, would you mind watching my Diet Coke while I'm gone? And we're like, he looks at her. He's like, yeah, no problem, right? And I'm kind of like, okay, that was kind of odd. She came running back to have someone monitor her Diet Coke. Okay. So she asks that guy, then she motors off.

She comes back about 45 seconds later, a minute later. plops down, looks at the guy, the other guy, and goes, Hey, thanks for watching my Diet Coke. You know, I didn't want to make sure nobody put any roofies in it. Right? Kind of in a joky way, but then at first I was like, oh, cute. And then I went, wait a minute. She's talking to that guy.

I'm the only other guy here. So if she's fantasizing in her head that somebody's putting roofies in it, it's not going to be the guy she has to watch her Diet Coke. So guess who that left in the equation, the rape equation? Me! I'm sitting there feeling like a rapist. It was like Minority Report. You know that movie with Tom Cruise where they can foresee the murders or the crimes?

I'm like, wait a minute. Is this chick like with Minority Report? Did she foresee me pulling a rape or something? Not even a topic to joke about it. I shouldn't even make light of it, but it was like, wait a minute. What the hell? I mean, she was kind of goofing, but at the same time, I was like a little offended.

I was like, you're implying with your little remark. And clearly it was a little more than a joke because you came running back to make sure someone watched your Coke and then when you came back the second time you kind of let out the reasons why and I'm the guy sitting there I'm this guy sitting there holding the rape holding the rape card oh man so I just had to wave that one off that was weird that was awkward in my mind I don't think anyone else was thinking of me

but just watch what you say out there in public Good Lord. Words hurt. She raped me with her words, is what she did. She roofied my brain with her rape words. I've been mentally raped. All right, I'm getting over dramatic. Isn't that a weird story?

Okay, just a goofy little story. And what's that? Oh, I thought I heard you. Yeah, move on, Harland. Move on. Surfing the net, even surfing the information superhighway. One of the phenomenons that this internet has created is violence. A lot of people, YouTubeing, fistfights, like fights between girls and homeless people,

the bum fights. People are putting anything together and getting them to fight. Some people send in like little kids, they're four and five years. year olds, they put them together. It's like dog fighting or cockfights. Come on, throw your kid in the ring. I'll bet $10 he can take my kid. Come on.

Who wants to bet? Who wants to bet? Holy God. I don't know. Why don't we just start doing it with everyone, man? Let's see Rosie O'Donnell take on a manatee. Let's see Rosie O'Donnell and Roseanne Barr grapple over a bacon sandwich or something, man.

I mean, they're entertainers. We expect. from them be like the old Roman times man or maybe you have a bunch of school kids gang up on Rosie that'd be fun 40 grade 3 years just taking the boots to O'Donnell that's kind of mean I guess I should take that back but our parents all fight why don't we have our parents fighting on YouTube then they can watch it back and see how ridiculous it is It's your turn to take out the garbage

No, it's your turn to take out the garbage Well, I'm leaving you because you won't take out the garbage Okay, can you take the garbage out while you're leaving me? Why, you son of a bitch Anyways, make love, not war, people, okay? Or make sex, or make your bed Or make little origami things, little seals and swans, and just make something, make a cake if you have to.

But stop the fight. Keep it sweet here on the Harland Highway. Okay, so I saw an infomercial the other day. Okay, we all know who Cindy Crawford is, right? Like one of the most stunning women in the world. I got two qualms with the Cindy Crawford infomercial. She's got this thing running now where it's all about her skin, right? She's got some kind of fountain of youth, skin ointment.

It's made from like a melon that they've, find in the French countryside, looks a hell of a lot like a cantalope to me, you know. But these infomercial guys will do anything to get you, you know, geared up about something. They keep pretending they found something new. We were in the Puerto Rican bat caves and found some nostril-nosed blood bat droppings, and we smithed them all over Cindy Crawford's face, and she's virtually glowing. She's virtually glowing. She's illuminated.

We actually have us standing in the Bay of Fundy Serving as a lighthouse on foggy nights Right So she's got this infomercial She found some miraculous melon Okay And some French doctor Some mystery doctor

When I was over in France A friend recommended me to this doctor Jevovois Cuevoix de Beau I went to see him And he was just He had this incredible thing And, you know, she's created this doctor, this mystique around this doctor that's over there. And she showed his little office.

You know, it's a place none of us will ever get to. So he's kind of like this just rich foreign secret. Yeah, some guy went to medical school, okay, for eight years. And somewhere in that time during the intense curriculum, he found time to go out on the weekends, wander around in farmers' fields, pick melons, mash them up, and rub them on supermodels skin, and go, Voila, it's bon, it's bon, say bon, bo, bumo, look at the face of this beautiful woman. If it was not for me, rummaging around in the fields and finding the French melons,

and rubbing on the face of the supermodel, they would not have shiny supermodels. I mean, come on. So right there, it's a bit of a grind. You're like, okay. Cut the BS. It's probably a bunch of mashed up chemicals. And on top of that, it probably does nothing. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes. Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy.

they offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus, 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy, all will be packaged and sent discreetly for free and fast. Don't wait, Better Sex is just a click away. That's 50% off, one item, and free shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select

any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy, or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harland to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. But here's the two areas where it really got annoying, okay? They did a zoom in on, here's Cindy Crawford's face. And they zoomed in, and man, you're just like, God, I want to fall into this girl, like a well. I want to be like a little boy that fell into a well.

She's so beautiful you want to fall into her beauty, right? And then they zoom in, and lo and behold, for some reason, they zoom on on the side of her face that's got that giant mole right over her lip. okay it's not a little freckle it's not a little beauty mark it's like a big badass mole dudes and what's weird it's like it's a mole and then there's kind of a i don't know some kind of uh deviation on it so it looks like there's a ring in her mole and you're just like oh god cindy you are sexy and from the distance i'll give it to you from from you know 12 15 25 feet away You catch a glimpse of the mole. It kind of, it's a weird little sexy highlight.

It's right over your lip, your beautiful, pointy lips. Somehow it works. But don't zoom in on that thing, man. I mean, if you feel like when they zoom in, you're in the lunar lander, you're an Apollo 13, and you're literally coming into the surface of the moon to land on a giant crater. It's just, ugh.

So that's PetPeeve 1. Okay? And here comes the next one, and this isn't really my pet peeve, as much as it may be people in her family. She starts walking around with her two sisters. Cindy Crawford is two wonderful sisters, Karen and Janet. And if you look at them walking together, and then, of course, there they are walking together.

Cindy's in the middle. The two sisters book-ending her. And God love you, sisters, but these girls couldn't look more homely, okay? they really look like, you know, slightly overweight housewives from Detroit. You know, maybe they've been smoking a few years too long. Maybe they've had some psychological abuse. They really, you know, they look made up pretty good for the infomercial,

but peel away the infomercial makeup team. And I think you got a bit of a frumpy situation there. So here's these sisters walking around. with their God-given, super-gorgeous Cindy Crawford's sister who's coming up on 50 and looks like she's 19 and ready to rock and roll, right? So you've got to go, what is the mindset of those sisters? They've got to be walking. You go, is this it?

Is this it? Is this where Cindy gets it? Is this where she takes the bullet? Is this, because I, you know, I hired that assassin, and I know he's on one of these rooftops. I mean, any second now, I know she's going to get it. You've got to wonder, how is the jealousy level? Right? When God, you know, pushes out four babies in a family, and one of them is just, you know, almost goddess-like.

And as she gets older, it's not getting worse. It's getting better. So you've had to live in her shadow your whole life. but now as you all start to age in your head, you're like, okay, we're all getting older. It's going to even out. Cindy, you know, Cindy can't fight time. You know, Cindy's soon, she'll be just one of us.

She'll start to get saggy. Her skin's going to drop. You know, it's all going to even out finally after 50 years. No more living under my supermodel sister's shadow. And then cut to Cindy. She looks probably better than she did when she was in her, 20s, and these sisters are still looking like, you know, one of them shovels horse poo at a local racetrack, and the other one works in a mailroom licking envelopes with her ass.

I don't know. I don't even know what that means, but that's, you know, that's, it's just sad. It's unfair, it's cruel, it's unjust. You know, I can't even talk about it anymore. I'm going to go in the kitchen, grind a cantaloupe in my face, and pray. that when I hit 50 in 40 years, I look as good as Cindy

Moleface Crawford. Captain's log. These are the voyages of the Starship Enterprise are five-year mission to boldly go when no man has gone before. Hey, hey, Kirk. Yes.

What are you doing in my studio? I'm preparing to give my Oscar speech. Woody, Shatner, you, you, you, no, you're not giving an Oscar speech, but I must receive the award for Star Trek 4. No, you did not get nominated for Star Trek 4. Captain's Log started 5, 7, 3, 2, the Klingons have surrounded the... Shatner, whoever you are, no, stop it. There's no Academy Award.

Your movie came out 14 years ago. And that is why I must receive an Academy Award an Oscar. No, Shatner. And the Oscars are over, dumbass. I would like to thank my mother for... Stop it. I can't stop it. I'd like to thank my agent for giving me the opportunity to...

Stop it! And most of all, I'd like to thank my wife who... Stop it! There's no Oscar for you, Shatner. Get out of here. I got a show to do. You want me out of here. Yeah, go.

Scotty. Beam me up. This is the final frontier. Get out of here. Good Lord. Why do you keep letting, Roger, why do you keep letting people into my microphone? Jeez.

You were riding down the Harland Highway. I'd also like to thank my. sister who get out of here. Good Lord. Roger, it really is astonishing the number of whack jobs you let in here. The guests that you line up for me. I mean, he's a great guy. Roger does a great job, great engineering, great, you know,

but some of the people. I have to apologize. I will try and get a higher caliber of guests for you. We got Dr. Debbie Timer, we got Dr. Ascot, we got Cinnamon Boy. We got Samuel E. Quout reading his summer romance letters. We got Captain James T. Kirk. I mean, we got the idiot from Hawaii 50. Chin Ho comes in from Hawaii 50.

We got Barbecue Eddie. We got Dr. Asco. I mean, come on. Let's make an effort to get a lot. some better guests in here and while i'm well i'm ranting while i'm being crabby can can someone tell me why when you go to park just about every gd parking spot says compact cars only have you noticed that you ever go on those underground garages or you go to a parking lot compact only who the hell drives a compact car did did the guys who build parking

lot's not take a mental note this is america we have big cars half the vehicles on the road are like pickup trucks and humvies and SUVs and vans and minivans the hell are you talking about compact cars only the hell is that all about man and nobody listens to it right you could go into any parking structure and they got the stupid little thing compact car only and you'll see trucks sticking halfway out and minivans so what's the point you know if you want to do the compact car only thing you know move back to east berlin like 20 years ago when they only had about 12 cars and they purposely made cars small and this is this is true in east germany back in the day when the iron curtain was up and you know people couldn't leave east berlin they were trapped the government

manufactured cars not many people had cars um and uh the ones that did the majority the big majority of them were made from a recycled plastic and they were very very small and the reason they did this is because they wanted to limit the hiding spots for people for Stowaways, because that's how people got out of East Berlin. They were very ingenious. People would think of ways to sneak out of the country to go through Checkpoint Charlie. And as a result, they had these little tiny cars. I forget what they're called, but the reason I know this,

I was in East Berlin before the wall came down, which is a fascinating story in itself. And I saw these cars. And there's a museum at Checkpoint, Charlie, where they actually chronicle the history of Checkpoint Charlie. For those of you that don't know Checkpoint Charlie, that was like the famous crossing point between East Berlin and West Berlin and Germany.

And it's kind of a famous spot where there were guardhouses and every car that went through got thoroughly inspected with mirrors and dogs and you name it. And so the government designed these little tiny cars to, for one reason, to inhibit stowaways because these people, man, they would hide in panels, they would hide in the trunk, they would weave themselves into the seats. There's a story at Checkpoint Charlie at the museum

of a guy who, why a guy would have a surfboard on his roof, okay, in East Germany, I don't know, but there's a famous picture of it at the museum. Some guy had a surfboard that, I guess he, you know, He made it a little bit oversized, and you'd be amazed where you can stick a person if you squish them down, and someone's willing to be squished down. And you've got to remember, in East Berlin, I don't think they had things like Sizzler on the Golden Corral and the buffet. I mean, food and restaurants were not lining every street.

I mean, people lived a meager existence there, right? so they could probably get pretty thin and some guy stuffed another human being into the middle of a hollowed-out surfboard of all things. So why I'm off on this ran, I don't know. It all goes back to the compact car thing and America doesn't work. Use the East Berlin cars.

Don't waste the paint. Don't waste the effort. Nobody's listening to the compact car thing. Thank you very much. If I catch you painting the word compact only, I will back over you with my big black pickup truck. Okay? And I'll see how compact they can get you

between the undercarriage of my truck and the pavement you're painting. Wow, was that a little angry? Maybe I'm edgy today. Did you catch that earlier story or some girl kind of implied that I was Dr. Rapie? I guess it's got me on the edge, right? But anyways, hey, if you have any pet peeves, if you have anything you want to rant about,

I mean, don't leave it all up to me, friends. I know you have stuff on your mind. You can always call me at 888, 500, 2090, or write me at harlowe Williams.com. hear from you. Oh man, I'm not feeling too good. Oh, I feel really sick and congestion. I don't think I'm going to make it.

Well, what you need is some garlic. Really? Yeah, just take garlic. It's good for your blood, and it just clears everything out. It creates enzymes, and it creates blood platelets, and it increases your cortisoneum chryscronium I don't know what the hell

you're talking about I don't really either but just do it you'll heal up like a little pothole on a bumpy road okay you ever bump into those people huh somehow they think they found

the cure all for everything right they think that garlic or rosemary or echinacea or broccoli cures everything oh my god

I've just been diagnosed with hepatitis. Oh, well, what you need is some broccoli. Yeah, that'll clear that right up. Oh, okay, thank you. Cut to them dead two days later. Yeah, man, I got some bad news, everybody. I just got diagnosed with viral spinal meningitis.

Oh, well, all you need is some wonderful tea leaves and a little bit of cinnamon and some garlic. It's just great for your blood. Oh, really? Yes, and throw in some ginger. That's just wonderful. It'll clear that right up. Okay, thanks.

Dead. Come on, people. Get off the mushrooms, man. Oh, mushrooms. Yes, if you want to clear up any kind of spinal condition or polio or anything, just take mushrooms. There's wonderful enzymes, and the cortisonia releases into the white blood cells, and then it flushes the liver

and then the tinctonglia thingtonglia wingly wonglia huh you heard me biotch hello here's my prescription take a damn

Tylenol and go to sleep wake up feel better hit the drive-thru yeah that's right I'm Dr. Williams here your emergency 9-1 on the Harland Highway. Yeah, I think, you know what I'll do?

I think I'll just go to Paris and get the fresh melon and rub it all over my spleen and on my spinal column. I'll get the Cindy Crawford musk melon and rub it all over my body and become 40 years younger and never get sick and become a Benjamin of Bottons. Oh, boy. Okay. Well, I don't know. I feel like I was a little crabby today.

Was I crabby? I feel like maybe I was crabby. I don't know. Maybe not. I feel like a little snap in my voice. I don't know. That's all right, right? Everyone can be a little crabby now and then.

Oh, Lordy. Hey, it's good for this old event, right? If you're feeling crabby, let it out, and put some fresh melon in your crab cakes. And speaking of crabby, you're probably going to be crabby in a second Because I hate to say it's the end of the show Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, yeah, but we had a goodie, I think Well, even though it was got a little crabby, it was goody

Put some crab dip on your crabby podcast, how about that? Huh? How about some crab pop pie on your crab-ass podcast player? Don't forget, this will cheer you up if you are feeling If you live in the Detroit, Michigan area, area, oh, area, don't forget you can catch me, yours truly,

Harlem Williams, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday in Royal Oak, Michigan at Mark Ridley's Comedy Castle. Just go to harlemwilms.com, click on my stand-up schedule, all the information's there. You can reserve tickets or just walk up. always good to reserve, just so, you know, you're not going to hit a sold-out show and be disappointed. And there you go. Bing, bang, boom, baby. I hope you had a good time today, folks. I know I did. And I'm not really crabby. I'm playing it

up a little, but, you know, I'm happy. Whenever I'm doing the podcast, I'm happy, and I'm hoping you're happy. And that's what it's all about bringing happiness to you, putting a smile on your face. You can catch the show at Stitcher.com, get a free app. Throw it down on your podcast and cover yourself with Cindy Crawford melon. That's it. That's all I got for today. If you can't find any melon, you can always have a big, fat bowl with chicken chalmayne, baby. And don't forget the garlic.

Seacrest out! Thank you.