The Harland Highway - PODCAST 270

Episode Date: May 18, 2011

Big, beefy mystery, Justin Shclagel interview concluded including the Harland Highway animal quiz. Moo quack meoww and woofffy!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

All right, all right, all right, all right, all right, all right. Yeah, I said it about six times. All right. You know that means it's going to be a good show. That's always a sign of a good show. Welcome to the Harland Highway, one and all. If your last name is one or your last name is all, I didn't mean the show was just for you.

It's for everybody. So welcome one and all and everybody. Why did I have to make it so confusing right out of the gate? Well, I'll tell you what's not confusing is we have a kick-ass show for you today. I'm going to start off the show with a bit of a mystery, a weird occurrence that happened to me. I don't think it's happened to you, but it happened to me. And a very strange thing that did not make me happy.

It's very, very sad. and I'm already tearing up just thinking about it. But you're going to hear about that. And then we are getting into the second part of our interview with actor, funny man comedian Justin Schlegel, who was here at this time last week and told us a bizarre story about his father rubbing a hot dog on his face.

Well, he's back with more. It's going to get creepy. It's going to get funny. right here on the Harland Highway. Welcome to the Harland Highway. You fellas been doing a bit of booze and have you? Sucking back on Grandpa's old cough medicine. There's an element of uncontrolled chaos.

The Harland Highway. Serving everyone from presidents and kings to the scum of the earth. What a treat. Oh, wait. Was you a great good fat person? You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. You need many years of therapy.

Hey, Harlan. Stephanie from Bedford. Just do me. You might want to think twice before sticking your penis in there. Just do me. You're riding down the Harland Highway with Harlan Williams. Ding dong, the witch is dead. The Wicked Witch. Sandwich, that is. Can somebody, does anybody have the number of Nancy Drew or the Hardy Boys or Shirley?

Locke Holmes or uh inspector gadget or uh inspector cluso the pink panther pepe le pew anyone well i don't know why pepe le pew got thrown in there but i need a detective this is the this is the worst mystery ever okay and it happened to me and i'm not happy about it uh let's just call it the meat patty mystery okay oh this breaks my heart let's me share it with you and if you if you want to get a box of Kleenex ahead of time and sit down with it and get ready to hear this this horrible horrible horror story that happened to me i guarantee you're going to cry you're going to weep you're going to want to donate money to me you're going to want to open a clinic you want to open a wing in the hospital for me uh here's what

happened okay i'm working i'm running around from meeting to me eating. I'm having a busy day. I literally am going from like 10 in the morning to like 5.30 at night, right? And on the way home, I'm like, my God, I'm like, I haven't eaten all day. I have not eaten. I had a little drink here and there, like a pop. I think I had a milkshake. At Baskin Robbins, in between meetings. And I'm driving home and I'm like, I need something hearty. I need something big and hearty and it's going to hit the spot and it's delicious and all of a sudden my brain went, Fat Burger. Okay, now, I don't know if you have a fat burger where you live, but what I love about Fat Burger is they are not a fast food joint.

I mean, they are and they aren't. They don't have a drive-through. You have to pull up, you have to go in, and it's not like McDonald's or Burger King or any of those places where they have the flimsy little burger that's about as thick as a drive-thru, a piece of, you know, paper. Fat burger advertises fat burgers, and they have the full-on big fat, like hand-formed, freshly formed, pure ground beef, not frozen. They take it out, they slap it on the grill right in front of you. You can hear it sizzling, you can watch them flipping it.

I mean, it's like the good old days, right? You know how when you stand at a car wash and you stand. there for some reason you're fascinated with your vehicle going through and you watch all the different phases from the soaping to the lathering to the spraying to that weird octopus thing that wiggles on your car so that's what happens of fat burger you get to watch the whole process right they pull the patty out they slap it on the sizzling grill oh the aroma starts to come up It's really like heaven. For those of you that believe in heaven, that's what's up there.

It's a fat burger. Welcome to heaven, my child. Would you like cheese on your eternity? Oh, ho. I just made myself laugh. Thank you very much. So I'm like, this is it. This is going to hit the spot.

But I'm not going to eat it there. I'm going to get it to go. I'm going to go home. I'm going to sit down and watch TV. Catch the news, relax in my living room with a great big fat burger, man. This is going to make up for a day of not eating. What kind of idiot doesn't eat for a day? This is where I show my body some love.

I'm like, I'm sorry for neglecting you, baby. I'm really sorry. Come over here. Come over here, sit on the couch with me, baby. I'll get, reach into that fat burger bag with your hands, baby. Unfold, unwrap that wrapper, baby. You feel the heat coming out of there? That's for you, baby.

Yeah, suddenly I'm Barry White to my own body. Okay, so I'm all excited. I flick on the TV. I sit down. I pull out this wrapped burger. I can feel the heat. I bring it up to my mouth. They take a bite.

And I'm like, you know, something feels a little bland here. What, wait a minute? And I take another bite and I'm like, wait, wait, wait, something's missing. What I'm missing a flavor. Is it the ketchup? Is it the onions? Is it the relish? I go, I better open this bun.

Suddenly I'm like Sherlock Holmes. I'm solving a mischief. I'm like, what's with the flavor? I open the bun, ladies and gentlemen. Get your Kleenex ready, please. Please give me some music. Give me some sad viola. I opened my fat burger bonn after not eating for all day.

This has never happened to me in my life. I don't think it's happened to you. There's no goddamn meat patty. Of all the things to forget, they forgot to put the meat patty a big fat. And I told you, it's like if you stack three McDonald's meat patties on top of each other, you'd arrive at the fat burger density. I'm sitting there eating a bun with a slice of cheese

of relish and mayonnaise and onions. I'm like you son of a bitches. Way to lose focus on my watch. So the big mystery is where the hell is my fatburger meat patty? Oh, it was sad. And then as fate would have it,

I had a busy evening where I actually went out to a party. I had to go to an engagement. It was a Maxim party. Okay, one of those Maxim, you know, top 100. I didn't know anything about it. A friend of mine says, hey, you want to go to a party? I'm like, yeah, I'm in the mood. I had a rough day.

You know, somebody lost my meat patty. So I go to this party, and it's not just a party. It turns out it's that Maxim magazine. top 100 whatever so here I am in this place just by chance probably some of those beautiful women in the world wall to wall it's almost too sick to talk about maybe I'll talk about it on on the next show or an upcoming show because there was a celebrity there that I want to tell you about and it was pretty interesting so I'm going to leave it there that's that's my a meat patty mystery if anyone you know i put out an amber alert i called 9-1-1 um i have a few different

private eyes on the case but if you see my fat burger meat patty anywhere please let me know i'll be the guy riding down the harland highway with scurvy all right so there we go that's that Now, we did an incredible interview the other day with comedian and actor Justin Schlegel. Always hilarious. And speaking of fast food meat products, this is a bit of a mystery, too. If you listen to the podcast at this time last week, he told the story of when he was a little boy and his father snuck into his room one night. Well, he thought his son was asleep and started rubbing a hot dog weaner around on Justin's mouth, on his lips. Very creepy, very bizarre. Justin swears it happens. I have no reason to doubt him.

I really have been trying not to call child services, but, you know, he's a grown man now, and we laughed about it. But bizarre story. So here's the second part of Justin Schlegel's. interview, and we're going to kick it off with another story that happened with his father. And then from there, we're going to get into some other hijinks and the ever-so-popular Harland Highway Animal Quiz. So enjoy the rest of the show. Really fun interview with Justin. Watch out where you're stepping. Don't step on any meat patties.

And here we go. Picking it up with Justin, another bizarre story. with Justin's father. Would you like another one that he told me that he knows he told me? It's brief. Oh, we got it. Now, can this one top the rubbing weiner

in the middle of the night? To some people it will, to some it won't. It's not as spooky, but this is a story about how my dad completely hit Control Alt delete on all parental authority from the age of 17 on. My dad found a tobacco water pipe

under my bed once. It was a bong for you. you kids out there for you use it to take the pot yeah and my dad busted me found it took it grounded me gave me the whole spiel whatever this is going to lead to communism faggotry the whole thing that's more his words at the time sure and that night i'm asleep thinking i'm grounded i hear him coughing in the other room loudly just i wake up peer around the corner there he is he's got this thing buried in his 360 pound gut wearing his foreigner Live at Red Rock's t-shirt, which he loved, that's a sleep shirt,

just pulling rips off of this thing. Whoa. And I immediately, like, you busted, I got you, son of a bait. You're pulling tubes off the same thing that you just gave me hell for having. Yeah. So he's like, sit out, sit out. He gives me the what-for about how poorly this thing was constructed. And it turns out my dad had been like a lifelong pot head.

He was just really good about only doing it after we're in bed or outside or whatever. And it turns out my dad, like me, when we smoke up a little, he gets real chatty and gets real open. And he tells me his story, stone to the gills, about when he was in the Mediterranean, Naval Shoreleave, he said that he went to a, he said he went to a can-can house, one of these, you know, houses of Lady of Ill repute. It was like a whorehouse, but they did performances. Yeah. It was like American Idol, except it was like American whore. Yeah, good.

Okay, got it. Nice. And they had this long table in front of a very, very Last Supper-esque table that him and all the sailors would sit at. And they'd watch the performance. You'd find a girl you like. You'd give her the sweet eye. Take her to a room upstairs. Give her the old Gary Busey two step.

Head back downstairs. Finish your macadamia nuts. That's what they were served. But there was this small flag on the table in front of every guy, very much like a mailbox flag. Yeah. And he asked one of his friends. He said, what is that flag for? And they said, if you flip that flag up and throw a couple of coins.

in front of it, a midget whore will run under the table and service you. Whoa. And I'm 17 times. He will rub a hot dog all over his relish fortress. Okay. And I'm just like, wow, I didn't know that that place existed. I don't want to know that that place existed. Or do you? That's creepy

to know that somewhere that's happening. Two or three seconds pass. And I turned to him, and I say. Hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex? No? Yes? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus 100% free shipping on your entire order, doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy, all will be packaged and sent discreetly for free and fast. Don't wait, Better Sex is just a click away. That's 50% off,

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Don't throw your back out. Did you? Well, of course I did. No, no, no. I can't know that about you. I can't know that my dad, had Bilbo Baggins' whore trailer's sister puff on his smile stick.

I can't know that you had one of the fellowship down there playing the flesh flute. You have cut off any parental authority from this point forward. It's done. It's done. Any time from that point forward, he would get on me grades,

staying out too late. Who's that girl I'm with? Do I smell pot? Clean yourself. I'm like, Dad, you know, I would finish that book report, but I can't get out of my head. The fact that you had Willow down there

snacking on your pepperage farm. How about that? And you get all dejected and just slink off into his room and watch Marty Stalford's Wild America on VHS. He used to tape him all the time. I wonder if when he sleeps, he has flashbacks and in his sleep, he just yells out,

Mad Mardigan. Bad Molda! Yeah, that's what he does. All right, he has been handled by somebody that can't ride one thing at the county fair because of the height restriction. Okay?

That's horrible to know about your death. Wow, that is, yeah, I don't even know your dad, and I'm horrified. You don't know that about someone that is supposed to hold dominion over you that he had just this tiny little fella, okay? One of the time bandits, one of the time bandits down there tickling his fun time radish set. I can't know that. You know what's even creepier, and this might keep you up at night?

If it turns out that your dad was rubbing his hot dog on your face, that was the same hot dog that was in midget miner's mouth. What if the incidents are connected? What if the incidents are connected? This is creepy. We can't go down this road. No, your dad would never do something like that. Your dad, it was a hot dog.

What he did in the Mediterranean was what he did. If your dad wants to rub processed meat on your face, God bless him. Hey, yeah, hey, Harlan. Yeah. You want to see a body. You want to see some bologna? Hey, do you want to see some bull pork? Do you want to see some gulpasa?

Do you want to see some brisket in the forest? You know, I think you have to change your answer for the, what will your final words be on your deathbed after those stories. I think you've got to go, is that a hot dog in your pocket? Is that kosher? is that kosher dad well i'm feeling a little dirty now because of all this and i'm sure you are too so let's change the let's change the tone let's do that and let's let's just switch gears every time you're here we kind of slip into a french accent or a spanish accent or something like that right

this time i thought we'd do something good and this might get us clean why don't we pretend we're sponge bathing an old person and putting them to bed, but why don't we do it as Christopher Walken? So you and I are orderlies at an old folks home. Sunshine Ankers. We're putting Mr. Selkirk, all right, 85 years old

World War II veteran. He's got 14 confirmed kills in the Pacific. We're giving this guy a scrub down before we put him to bed. Exactly. I am I'll be Chester Walkin. I'll be a... Kitty Walkin. Kitty walking. Which together is Christopher

Christopher walking. Christopher walking. Let's go get him. Let's go walk in the room and get this guy. Looks like it's getting late. I think maybe it's time to put Mr. So-and-so to bed. We got a dough.

Let's get his body and soak it in water. He smells something awful. Do we have any bubble bath? Bath of the bubble variety. You take the little. liquid and it makes bubbles what's going to happen to his old skin is it gonna flake off and oh make a soup oh we would definitely definitely be written up if we put the old guy between the sheets no skin sorry skin it fell off while we were washing him i didn't use vigorous scrubbing

it just happened don't be mad he'll grow more i'm not mad you grab his ankles i'll grab the ankles i'll grab The ankles. I'll grab his scapulas. On the count of three. Let's do this. Two. Five. Four.

Three. Heave. Oh. There we go. In the water. He went. The way you're supposed to. There you go.

Oh. He submerged. He doesn't appear to be enjoying himself. He's got vericose veins. Look at the length. Those balls, so old, so dangly. He's got skin scars and scabs. You scrape them first.

So I'm going to do, I'm going to get a nail file, and I'm going to go ahead and work on those eagle talons. He calls a toenail. They look like corn chips. They look like a scoops variety of corn chip. It holds more salsa than a standard chip. Scoops. I'm going to get the.

to work. Why don't you, uh, once you get behind his ears in his shoulder region? I've started to feel a little faint. It's like the water's starting to smell like bean with bacon soup. It's got, it's got quite a wharf coming off. A lot of seas were angry that day, my friend. Such a salty brine is he marinerates and this hot water. Oh, what do you say? We just leave him here and head down to the cafeteria and have some, you know, Yellow-colored yogurt. Oh, it's the thing. Is it a banana?

Is it lemon? We might never know. As long as it's yellow. As long as it's yellow. I'm good to go. I'm good to go. Let's go. Goodbye, Mr.

So-and-so. I'm sorry you're going to sit here and marinate in your own drippings. Hey, look at it this way. You make your own gravy. Enjoy hand them a spoon. I'll enjoy the flavors. of his many years on this, and there went to skip. You know what sucks?

Your walking is great. I just sound like an idiot. Did you notice for about 30 seconds we got Jewish? Yeah, I felt like I got Italian a little bit and Roman and Portuguese. I'm not sure what's going to happen as we scrub this veteran. I mean, I won't say either of us are experts at walking, but yours was probably on a scale of 1 to 10, a 9. I was about a minus 4, but it was fun to try. It was like a five and a six.

I don't think you and I were too terribly far apart. No, you're not even like... Believe me. Who's the, who's the calming that does basically 90% of his career is a walk-in? Jay Moore. Jay Moore does an insane walking. Yeah, he does a great one. So there you go.

We did our best. We tried. We did our best. You know, you can't hang the school teacher for tightening the piano wire, as they say. D minor. What? Sound right. All right.

Well, let's get out of that. that was our listeners are either going to love that experience or hate it i don't know with the ladder the what i'm going to go with the ladder with the ladder i think i'd like to climb up that ladder put a rope around my walking pipe and jump off but i had fun doing it thank you no thank hey hey carlin yes you want to see a body you want to see a spunched bath body do you want to see a veteran with no skin don't go back don't go back we're out of the

walking we can't go back because you know what time it is buddy it's a quiz time it's time it is time ladies and gentlemen we're coming to the end of the show it is time for the Harland Highway Animal Quiz and let's roll the music here we go it's the

Harlan Highway Animal Quiz It's time for Harland Highway Animal Quiz. All right, here we go. You all set, Justin? Good tune, man. That's a really slick little thing you got there. Hey, you know, we got to build it up.

This is exciting. Now, for the listeners that don't know, the animal quiz, Justin's really good at it. You've done it about four or five times. I've done it for, last one, though, I was, I think, two for four. The first couple was okay, but you really ramped it up last time. Oh, wow, okay. Color me apprehend.

about this. Okay, you usually do really well, though. Most people do. It always amazes me, but here's how it works. The animal quiz, the Harlan Highway Animal Quiz, I give clues about an animal. I read a little sentence. I drop in a lot of clues.

It's a little ambiguous. It's a little roundabout. But at the end of the day, there is an animal and the guest on the show, Justin, in this case, you have to figure out what the animal is. Hit me. Let's go. All right, here we go. Number one, I am a bird that could be a menu item at McDonald's if only I had the call of one of my black cousins.

Starting off with a toughie here. Yeah, okay, so I'm a bird. I'm a bird that could be a menu item at McDonald's if only I had the call of one of my black cousins. Wow, I think black cousins. I think black bird I think You're all around it Yeah black bird

Black swan Black uh I think McDonald's I started trying to think of McDonald's menu items You got your Big Mac You've got your Quar Pounder You've got your McChicken

That's kind of a bird Black chicken Chicken Hawk No No You were around it with the There was something about How did a lot of the menu items

start nick the mick thing oh there hello there we go coming at you okay so mic uh and you were kind of around the black cousin i'm a bird that could be a menu item at mcdonald's if only i had the call call of one of my black cousin something mix something called the mick think of a what is a prominent black bird i think of a crow oh oh mickroo Crow black chromic The call The call of my black Maccah

Maccah Macca Hello There it is He got it The macaw The macaw There you go

Why did I not even Put that together After the bat I was like the first word That jumped into my head When you said black bird call Was a black crow

cawing There you go The macaw The macaw Beautiful parent You got it man I don't even think you I don't even think you

realized you had it I didn't you realize I didn't you realize I didn't realize it was saying it. Yeah, I had to kind of hit the bell. Grin was popping across that face. I had to hit the bell to let you know you got it.

Okay, one for one. Let's go to number two. For those of you that don't like the cold, I might be the perfect insect to warm up a specific part of your head on those icy winter days when you forgot your hat. Let me read it again. This was a little long. For those of you that don't like the cold,

I might be the perfect insect to warm up a specific part of your head on those icy winter days when you forgot your hat. So you think something hat, something had a specific part of your head, you said. So you got the forehead, temple, scalp, the insect, I think lice. I think hair, I think lice. But you said hat, though, if you forgot your hat. What type of hat? Bowler's hat, top hat.

Specific part of your body. Specific part of your body, not specific part of your head? Part of your head, I'm sorry. Yeah, okay, specific part of your head. What gets cold when you forget your hat? Your head, your scalp. Your head, your, your, crone, your skull, your ears, ear, ear mites, ear lice, ear, earwigs. Yes, because I'm the wig nature of the hand.

The wig, the airwigs. The air wig for 500, Alex. He got it, he got it. All right, here we go. Number four, two left, buddy. You're doing good. Two for two. Yes.

I'm probably the only fish in the sea that you would be better off spreading than broiling. Although, be warned, my flavor has quite a sting to it. Oh. Yeah. My flavor has a sting, but spreading instead of flange. So I think spread, I think butter, I think margar, I think cream cheese, sting, I think stingray, I think Manta ray. But I also think quite a sting, I think of a puffer fish. Probably the only fish in the sea that you would be better off spreading than broiling.

Although be warned, my flavor has quite a sting. Something spreadable, I think of locks. Think of something spreadable. Rather spread than broil a sting. Sting ray, I think eel, I think eel, I think electric eel. You spread an eel? No, you wouldn't spread an eel. What do you spread?

Tuna. You spread tuna. You can spread tuna. Maybe that's reaching. You know, I don't know anyone that does that, but in your world, maybe. Yeah, where I'm coming from, that's cool. But that's not the right answer. So what other would I, what do I spread?

Probably the only fish in the sea that you would be better off spreading than broiling. Although, be warned, my flavor has quite a sting to it. Oh, I can't, boy, this one is not jumping out at me. I thought, you know, I'll be honest. I thought this would be the easiest one. You think? I thought it would be, but it turns out I'm wrong. Now, your week so far has been my favorite.

What, uh, what do you? Bread. Butter. A butter type spreader. Okay. I don't know if there isn't in my head. I don't know if I've ever heard of a butterfish. Butterfish, a butter shark, a butter face.

I think margarine, I think cream cheese. I think jellies. I think jellyfish! Hey! Jellyfish! Yes! God damn, I'm smart. You're good.

You just work through all. You just throw about to you hit it. I throw all the layers out. You got it. He got it. Borderline Professor Xx. right here. For example, think of a number, Harlan. Think of a number. Okay.

47. 47 was what you're thinking. Yes, yes. Nine plus 41 is 49, 7 or whatever. Jellyfish. Awesome. Okay. Last one. You ready? All right. Here we go. Can he get the full house? I'm just a dog,

but some people think I can write. They think I can write on anything. and although I argue I only live as long as my dog ears will let me, most people insist I am permanent. It's a long one. You want it again? Wow, yeah. Give me that to me one more time.

I'm just a dog, but some people think I can write. They think I can write on anything. And although I argue I will only live as long as my dog ears will let me, most people insist I am permanent. So it's a dog. It's a variety of dog.

Yeah. A breed of dog, canine, Write, author, pen, pencil, ink, author. People think I'm permanent marker. Permanent marker. Okay. So I think, I think, Charpe! Yeah! God!

Damn, I should be president of Awesome Island. The kid. And look at what he has handed me. Wow. The inaugural gold jar of quiz relish. Dude, you just got a jar of jellyfish for that one. Jellyfish. That was a great.

great one that was tough that was great no those are great questions you nailed it the sharp pay the sharp i'm really proud of myself you ought of me that was good i am treating myself to some tuna fish the earwig i didn't think you'd get the earwig in the sharp a but you got them four for four justin schlegel everybody uh awesome job buddy let's let's get into what you're up to before we go where people can find out about you. Tell them about your website, your CDs, whatever you want to do. What do we got, buddy?

Talk to me. Follow me on Twitter. It's Twitter.com slash funnyjustin. The website is also funnyjustin.com. By the time this comes out, I have a new website up. What is it? It's the same one. Just a new design, new calendar page.

Schedule. Contact me. Links to my Facebook, to my MySpace, kickpage, everything. Beautiful. I'm going to be doing the Portland Comedy Festival. Festival, uh, Bridgetown Comedy Festival. When? This coming week, it's the 21st through the 25th, I believe, Portland, Oregon, which is pretty

cool. It's kind of like a alt-weird festival. It's like non-standard comedy. It's cool. I think it's his third year. Beautiful. Beautiful. Yeah, that's it.

Just, uh, follow me online. I'm on Facebook. Search me. And, uh, yeah. And just so you know, folks, if, uh, you know, if you want to see Justin and myself working together, uh, in the near future, I mean, this is definitely. the road but I want to put it out there we are going to be working together in September we're going to be September 16th and 17th in the fair city of

Baltimore you can look these dates up on on Harlow Williams.com and it's a little ways out but just a little heads up for you and how about how about this if your patients won't let you wait maybe the first weekend in May 6 through the 8th at the DC improv or 5th through the 8th What? D.C. Improv, you and I are there. There we are. May 5th, 6th, 7th, and 8th, the Washington D.C. Improv, great club.

It's actually the club where Justin and I met. We're going to be jamming it out together, man. Come on out and see us. Please come see us. It's such a good time at that club. It is a great time. And I had a great time with you here today, buddy. I am going to leave you with some great numbers for some therapists.

you are going to be fine. Put the Midnight Weiner episode behind you and be proud. You aced the animal quiz. Hey, Harlan. Yeah. You want to see a body? Yeah.

Sweet. Justin Schlegel, everybody. Thanks, buddy. Great to have you here. And that's it, folks. We are done. On behalf of myself and Justin, Until next time, chicken chow maine, baby.

99 dreams I have had, and everyone with a red balloon. It's all over and I'm standing pretty. In this dust that was a city, I could find a souvenir just to prove the world was here. And here is a red balloon. I think of you and let it go.