The Harland Highway - PODCAST 271

Episode Date: May 20, 2011

Evolving monkeys, dog sex, UFC cage fighter Chuck Liddell, career shelf life, Dr. Ascot. Pull my purple pogo stick!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Aye, aye, aye, I am the Frito bandito. I love Frito's corn chips. I love them I do. I love Rito's corn chips. I give them to you. Why am I endorsing Frito's Corn Chips with a 1970s jingle? That's no way to start off a podcast, not a podcast of this magnitude. Hello.

Welcome, everybody. I am Harland Williams, and this is the Harlan Highway. Thanks for being here. so glad you could make it along today. We're going to be talking about Chuck Liddell, you know, the big UFC fighting guy, the ice man. I don't know if you're a UFC guy, but even if you're not, I think you'll find this story very interesting. I saw Chuck doing something that was quite out of his element. We are going to be talking about dog sex.

Yeah, I'm not even going to fill in the ass, just dog sex, okay? Dr. Ascot will be here, unfortunately. It's my second Friday of the month, and I have to do my on-air therapy session. We're going to be talking about monkeys evolving. There's a disturbing report that monkeys are now using spears in the jungle. It's escalating. And then we're going to talk about fighters and their life.

What happens to a fighter like Chuck Liddell when they hang up the boxing gloves? You're about to find out, We're going to punch it out right here on the Harlan Highway. Welcome to the Harland Highway. You fellas been doing a bit of booze and have you? Sucking back on Grandpa's old cough medicine. There's an element of uncontrolled chaos. The Harlan Highway.

Serving everyone from presidents and kings to the scum of the earth. What a treat. Oh, wait, was you a great big fat person? You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. You need many years of therapy. Hey, Harlan. It's Stephanie from Denver. Just do me. You might want to think twice before sticking your penis in there.

Just do me. You're riding down the Harland Highway with Harlan Williams. Hello, welcome to the Harland Highway, and interesting story in the news today. Apparently, researchers have been studying chimpanzee. chimpanzees, they've witnessed some type of behavior that they've never witnessed before. Chimpanzees making spears and using the sticks to hunt other monkeys, stabbing them and eating them. So on a bunch of levels, we have kind of what they say is a new thing, but I'm not sure who's been watching monkeys 24-7 for the last 100,000 years. I mean, is this the first time they've done it?

It's not like we have monkey monitors sitting in the jungle. Please put down the spear, please. Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah. Whoops, excuse me. First of all, they're picking up a stick and using it as a weapon. Second of all, they're hunting with it. And thirdly, they're eating meat. And it was the eating of meat that evolved us Homo erectus.

Why does Homo and erectus sound so broke-back mountainish when you put them together? Anyhow, it was the protein in meat that evolved our big, fat, juicy brains that made us so smart to the point where we could create nuclear bombs. But everyone always goes, if evolution's real, then how come monkeys just still swinging trees? How come they're not evolving, man? Well, guess what, people? Now they got sticks. And now they're eating the meat. Yes, I'll have some howl a monkey fillet, please. Thank you.

What's the next logical step, man? Now they're using sticks and stones. You know one of them's going to invent a gun. One of them's going to be smashing up rocks one day and go, ooh, look, powder. Oh, powder explode when powder get near spark. Ooh, I forge metal, I make gun. It's kind of cool, but it's kind of scary, man.

I never believe that movie Planet of the Apes, but now I'm getting nervous. I'm glad I'm not going to be around to evolve for another 600 years. You know, monkeys will be running things. You there, get me those bananas, or I'll throw a stick through your face. Yes, sir. Planet of the Apes, taken over the Harland Highway. And speaking of guerrillas, Okay, and please, I rarely do bits where I think I'm going to find myself crumpled in an alley covered with leaves and old newspapers and homeless people pee.

But speaking of big guerrillas, you know, when you watch the UFC, okay, when you watch the fighters that get into the cages and they bare knuckle it and they kick each other and they're martial artists, they're finally tuned machines, right? Um, you kind of, you know, that's just a tag name. They get buffoon, gorilla, meathead, right? And so speaking of like buffoons or gorillas or whatever, and please don't kill me if you listen to this show. Okay, I bumped into Chuck Liddell the other night, okay? Chuck Liddell, the ice man, one of the toughest, meanest, kick-ass guys in the UFC.

Ultimate Fighting Challenge. He's one of these cage fighters, one of the pioneers of the sport. He's got the Mohawk and the handlebar mustache and the tattoos on the side of his head. And for about a decade, this guy was the king of the ring, man. He could knock you out with a look, okay? And if you don't know who he is, just go on Google images and type in Chuck Liddell, the ice man. And he's one tough, mean-looking dude, man. and I love the guy.

Let me say that right up front. He's the reason I started watching UFC. I wish he was still around. He's retired, sadly, but I wish the guy was around because he was a genuine tough guy. When you watch this guy go, he didn't really have like a muscular body, like a real big bodybuilder guy.

He just, he looked like a normal kind of guy. Like he wasn't, he wasn't fat, but he always had a little bit of a beer belly, just a tiny little gut and maybe a hint of some love handles, but that's what made him so deadly because he looked like any normal guy you'd see at the beach minus the Mohawk and the mean-looking face that could stop a freight train. I mean, this guy just has, you know, pit bulls have that look on their face,

that look in their eye, like, I'm going to kill you. Chuck Liddell has that look, okay? So that's why, you know, as a UFC fighter, you can slap the name, you know, Goomba, Meathead, Monkey, Corrilla, whatever. It fits. So, Chuck, you can't kill me for that, okay? And now here's where the story gets dangerous for me. But I'm going to spill the beans.

I don't care. That's what we do here, investigative reporting on the Harland Highway. What? When did that start? So I'm in an event the other night. And before I get into the event, let me just say, if there's one, One thing I hate in Hollywood, it's name dropping, okay? And I told a sexy little story about skinny dipping with Jennifer Aniston a few months back

and kind of being caught in a paparazzi spiderweb with her ones. And some guy wrote me or called me and said, oh, Harlan, name dropper. Oh, what's with the name dropping, dude? And it's like, if you listen to every podcast I've done, and we're on number 271 here, folks. That's a lot of hours, okay? I've probably dropped the name of other celebrities like three, four times. Okay, I told you the Jennifer Aniston story because it was so kind of incredible and, you know, skinny dipping with Jennifer Aniston. I'm not trying to drop the name. I'm trying to relay to you a pretty incredible story, a pretty incredible event that happened in my life.

I hate name droppers. I don't like to drop names. And for the record, I've bumped into, met with, partied, worked with a motherload of uber talented, famous, mega famous people. So if I wanted to name drop, believe me, I could do it every show. I'd never be exhausted of names to drop. That's not my MO. That's not who I am. I couldn't give a crap about megastars and celebrities.

But I'll tell you what, if I run across an interesting story and they happen to be a celebrity, I want you guys to hear it. So don't give me the name dropper root. okay if you hear me start to name drop the way someone name drops like if I do a bit I'm like yeah so me and Dustin Hoffman were over at you know cracker barrel and Dusty said to me you know you know if you hear that crap okay call me out but if I tell you an interesting story I'm telling it to you because I think you might want to hear it I try not to put it into the name dropper category but like oh wow there's a slice of life from a celebrity

that we might not have seen. So now that I've said that to you people that are giving me a hard time, God. Don't forget, I live in the world of celebrities. I'm an actor. I'm a comedian. I live in Hollywood. I'm around these people, so they're part of my life.

I try not to name drop ever. So there, I hope we've cleared that up. Leave me alone with that crap. Okay? Now, let me get back to Chuck Liddell. It's not a name drop, because here's this guy who's a killing, fighting machine, and I'm at this party the other night,

and lo and behold, there's Chuck Liddell. So I'm not telling you this just to tell you I saw Chuck Liddell. What I want to tell you is something you might not know about him. Okay, Chuck Lidell was there partying with these hot girls, and Chuck, as finessed as he is as an athlete, as impeccably graced as he is with the ability to fight, fight and dance in the ring in the cage and bob and weave and move and jab and uppercut and i mean it's an art i got to tell you old chuck ladle the cage fighter started

breaking into some dancing okay we're it was a full-blown hollywood nightclub i'm literally raped beside the guy okay i'm if you want to put it in feet i'm about three feet from the guy okay i even stopped for a minute these girls asked me to take a picture of Chuck and the girls. I actually stopped and I said, come on, Chuck, smile. He didn't, which makes me even more scared to tell this story.

But we were right there. I didn't converse with the guy. I didn't try to suck up to him. I'm not like that with celebs. I enjoy their presence. I enjoy their work. Like I said, I love Chuck Liddell. Love the guy.

But here's where it got funky, okay? The disco music's gone or the funky music, whatever you want to call it, and Chuck decides to start dancing with some haughties. Now, Chuck, I got to tell you, man, it was pretty damn funny. Okay, please don't kill me. I hope you have a sense of humor. But Chuck was, if you've ever seen a father dancing at his daughter's wedding, right?

Like the father's like 60, 70, and all of a sudden Bruce Springsteen comes on or Madonna or Lady Gaga or whoever. And everyone's rocking it out. and they got the rhythm, but there's that one guy that kind of looks stiff and his shoulders don't move and he's bringing his arms up and down and his legs don't seem to be working in the same time zone. That was Chuck Liddell, man.

And so I guess what I'm telling this story, it was so funny to see a guy, a warrior, a pit bull, outside of the ring where I've been watching them for 10 years, all of a sudden macking on some 23-year-old hotties trying to dance and it almost looked like that moment when the scarecrow from the Wizard of Oz first came off the pole

and he could barely stand up remember that? I could while away the hours conversing with the flowers, whoa, whoa, oh, whoa, remember? And Chuck Liddell, man, the ice man. It looked pretty damn hilarious. So that's all I wanted to do.

Creative visual for you. and leave it right there. It's not a name drop. It's just a funny story, okay? Jeez. And Chuck, if you're looking for me, I just moved to Taiwan right after I did this podcast, I moved to Taiwan, really remote jungle,

a lot of poisonous spiders and snakes. I live on the other side of a swamp infested with alligators. I wouldn't recommend you come looking for me. I'm just saying. And maybe take some dance lessons. okay i just pushed it i really pushed it there but there you go um and i want to talk a bit more about chuck ladle and the dancing let's break away to something else clear our heads give chuck a chance to calm down if he's listening maybe i can get him with some comedy and then we'll come back

and i have another point i want to make about not just chuck ladle but fighters in general Williams you're listening to the harland highway has your love life lost that sizzle is it no longer exciting between you and your lover try this go down to the local humane society pick out the meanest most violent frothing animal you can find bring it home throw it under the sheets, and let it be present during your next love-making session. It should spice things up. If you live, you're listening to the Harland Highway. Okay, is he laughing?

Is Chuck LaDelle laughing? He's, I don't know. Okay, well, let's hope Chuck Liddell's laughing. He's calmed down. That was actually kind of fun. How many are you going to do that, yeah? Yeah, that would be a treat, right? You're in there with your lady going at it.

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Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Just that chaos. I'm not implied you have sex with the dog. I'm just, it's there. It's jumping around. It's barking. Anyways, back to Chuck Liddell and fighters.

Here's the tragic thing about fighters. And it struck me when I saw Chuck because this guy was such an athlete, such a rock star, and he still had been, physically in great shape, but athletes and fighters in particular have such a short shelf life, you know, well, maybe not that short. Maybe they can go for a decade or two, okay? I shouldn't say a short shelf life, but when it's over, it's kind of over.

You know what I mean? Like when a football player or a soccer player retires, they can still go to the old football field and put a ball in the air or kick a ball in the net or if an actor retired, You know, they can always do a line from their movie or maybe they'll get a little role as an old person or even a singer, you know, look at Tony Bennett or even Frank Sinatra or even a lot of these bands like Ario Speedwagon and sticks and Whitesnake. They're still touring, even though they're old. You know, they shouldn't be, but they still are. What's sad about a fighter is they engage in a violent act fighting and they have to do it in a rent. where they're literally

assaulting another human being and so when they hang up the boxing gloves, that's it. They can't do anything else. You know, their biggest thing, their biggest claim to fame after they're done is obviously their legacy, their legend. But then after that, it's like, what do they do?

They stand with people pretending to punch them, right? Like, Muhammad Ali will put his arm around you and kind of ball up his fist and just put it under your chin and then someone snaps a pitcher. Or if you noticed any time one of these big boxers is on a talk show or an award show, whenever they walk out, the host or the host or the greeter or whoever, they always do that kind of mock, like putting up the fist, come on, come on, put them up, put them up, right? And that's it.

They can't really punch people. You can't go, hey, I used to be a fighter. bong how about a nice uppercut bonk this is what i used to do pow oh man i mean i know you used to be a fighter but why'd you have to punch me in the face dude because that's what i did okay remember yeah i remember i'll i remember even more when i see in court and i'm suing your ass well don't remember that much um so it's weird it's like it's kind of sad in a way for for boxers and stuff because they're like one of the few, like, kind of professions where you're done. I guess maybe more so with athletes.

Like if you're a sprinter or a high jumper, it's like you can't just, hey, somebody pull out some bamboo and let me jump seven and a half feet straight up into the air and land on my back. Come on. What kind of party is this, man? You know? Or if you're a sprinter, it's like, hey, girls, what's going on? You want to see me run to the other side of this bar and, uh,

3.2 seconds, huh? I did it so fast you can see. You want to buy me a drink? Up yours. So I don't know. It's kind of weird, but boxers and fighters in particular, it's kind of sad. Once they're out of that ring, once they're done,

they're done. So there you go. Just a little more food for thought. Chuck Liddell don't kill me. Did I just say that? And speaking of done, I wish I was done with this guy, but I'm not, because it's Friday. It's the second Friday of every Friday.

I don't know. And as you know, I have to do my on-air therapy sessions with this idiot, Dr. Ascott. I hate this guy. But I got to do it. Are the powers that run the podcast are threatening to give me the pink slip. So here we go, my therapy session with Dr. Ascott. Hello, Arland. What's the matter, Arland?

It's just, just you. What do you mean, Arland? Just you, listen to you. Oh, come on. Holland. What are we doing today? Hurry up. Holland, you've got to learn to slow down and be patient. You've got to relish.

Your life, Holland. Okay, good. Are we done? Holland. What? I think you need to listen to my words, slow down, and relish your life. Okay, I relish my life. Are you saying you relish your life, Holland? That's what I just said. Did you not hear me?

I'm sitting right here laying on your stupid, smelly couch. Holland. What are we doing? Holland, I need to get a confirmation from you that you relish your life. Yes, I relish my life. Excellent, Holland. Then take this. What the hell is that? This is a large jar of relish, Holland.

Why, in the name of sweet turnip soup, would you have a jar of relish in your office? Arlen, today's lesson is about relishing your life, so I want you to open the relish. That's it. Open the relish. Take this spatula, Arland, and slather the relish all over your face, so you look like a green pickle child. What in the name? Arlen, slather the relish on your face, so that you may relish your life. All right, Ascot, this is something right out of a book of voodoo, for Christ's sake.

What the hell are you... You want me to put hot dog relish? On my face with a spatula? You must relish your life, Holland. I'm not going to relish my life. Then maybe you'd like to relish a pink slip, Holland. Oh, here you go with the sabotage, huh? I don't do what you want, and I get a pink slip, and I'm done?

That's right, Arland. Podcast go bye-bye. Don't say podcast go bye-bye to me, Ascot. Podcasts go bye-bye, Arland. Oh, you son of a... Arland. You son of Arland. Put the relish on your face and start relishing your life, Allent.

I can't believe you're making me do this. Shut the hole and start relishing. Give me that spatula, idiot. Holland. Shut up. Hang on. God, this stuff stinks. Holland, sometimes life stinks.

Oh, it's burning my eyes. They're watering. Holland, sometimes life makes you cry. There. Oh, wait, Holland. You missed a spot. right on the side of your cheek. Come on!

Cover your own face, Arlen, like a voodoo relish mask. Are you kidding me? Holland, pink slip. Give me that. There! Look at you, little relish face. Are you calling me names, As Scott? Holland, I want you to say I relish my life because I'm covered in relish.

Okay, is this some kind of a hidden camera? a thing. Arland, do it. I relish my life because I'm covered in relish. Say it nicely, Arland. Say it with relish. Oh, Arlund.

I relish my life because I'm covered with relish. Excellent, Arlund. Can I take it off now? No, there's one more thing, Arland. What? Sometimes life hurts.

Arland. Yeah, it hurts right now, sitting here with you, Beanbag ass. Holland. Well... I want you to relish your life, but also know that sometimes life hurts, Arland.

And how do we do that, Dr. Ascot? I want you to stand up on the couch, Arland, and slowly move your relish-covered face towards the ceiling fan, and let the ceiling fan slug. Clap your relish face. Okay. You know what, guy?

You are certifiably... Pink slip. Oh. Okay. I'm going to do this so I can get it over with and get out of here. Excellent. All and stand up. I'm standing.

Move closer to the ceiling fan. I'm getting there. Closer. Closer. Oh, ow. Ow, ow. Ow, ow. Oh, ow.

Oh, ow. Oh, ow. Oh. Oh, God! Oh! Excellent, darling. You really seem to be relishing life. Shut up!

Get out of here. This is done. I don't think we're done yet, Holland. Oh, and why is that? Because I brought some ketchup, mustard, and barbecue sauce for your relish face. Get out of here! Holland, put this bun around your head. Get out!

Hey, Arland, this is West from Wausau, Wisconsin, Triple W, coming at you. Just thought you should know that I think the Harland Highway followers should be called the Harland Highwaymen, or the music group named back in the day. And I think it applies here as well. And have a good one, buddy. Arlen, what's up? You are the man. You are the rocket man, I mean, emphasized. thinking about your name to call us, why don't you call

us Harlanders, like the Highlander, and we will follow you faithfully. We'll be your loyal Harlanders. Oh, yeah. Dr. Bush Pound. Hey, Harlan. This is John in Illinois. I love the show.

Just thinking you could call us Harhikers or Harlan Fitchers. Waiting for you to get one over on that Dr. Ascot. Anyway, I'll keep listen. Hey, Harland. Love the show. Love your work. Some ideas for the name for the listeners of the show. Some of my favorite characters you played were in Dumb and Dumber and something

about Mary, so I thought maybe something along the lines of the hitchhikers or the Highway Patrol. All right. Have a great day. Thanks. Hey, Harland. It's Doug from Torrance. I got another idea for what to call all of your loyal followers. I called the first time, it suggested Harlanders, but like you said, that doesn't include the highway. So, my new idea is how about we call ourselves the Harland Highway Patrol, baby. We're officially under arrest for having too much fun.

All right. See you later, goofball. What? See you. Goofball? Wait, how'd that get in there at the end? Maybe, maybe that's the name right there the goofballs that was hilarious i like that kind of just you know being all creative and getting into it then right at the end see you later goofball hey i got to say guys excellent excellent suggestions wow do you know this is becoming uh harder and harder for me you know obviously uh some people had kind of the same uh ideas but unbelievable, unbelievable names.

I still don't know that we have a winner or, you know, it's getting harder to decide which one to go for. I like the Harland High Rollers was kind of cool. But I don't think we've heard from the ladies yet. You know, we haven't really had any of the ladies chime in. So ladies, if you're listening, you know, you don't want the men deciding everything, do you? Give us a call. Let's see if the ladies have a different sensibility, but as I said, excellent, excellent suggestions, great calls, keep it coming, and sooner or later we're going to find one.

And it could be one of those in there. You know, I just feel like I don't want to close the door on it just yet. We won't keep this going forever, but sooner or later we will have to sign off on one. And it could be one of those, but I still want to hear some more. Want some more choices. Like I said, if there's any ladies listening, don't hesitate. Maybe you have some ones that are cute or different or take a different slant. 888, 52090.

We're looking for a name to call the Harland Highway listeners. So there we go. Why don't we leave that bug in your ear as we close out the show for today? Okay, sound like a treat. and we are going to wrap it up. But don't forget, I am in Detroit, Michigan tonight. I am in Royal Oak, Michigan at Mark Ridley's Comedy Palace. Please, if you're in the area, you want to catch some great comedy,

I promise to deliver, and make you laugh live. And you can go to harlowe Williams.com, click on my stand-up schedule, and there's a link right to the club. You can get all the tickets, showtimes, all that great stuff. Wow. So a good day. I got through another episode,

another session with Dr. Ascot, even though I have relish and skin bruises all over my face from a ceiling fan, idiot. Get out of here. So that's it. That's all we got. Go to Stitcher.

com you can get a free app for your cell phone to listen to the harland highway check out the harland highway store at harlom williams dot com letters to harlewilms dot com and again phone calls 888 52090 look forward to hearing from you thanks for listening everybody uh it's a treat to have you here tell your friends get them on board the highway and uh until next time you know what i'm going to say but I have to say it. Chicken. Chalmayne, baby!

All right. See you later, goofball.