The Harland Highway - PODCAST 272

Episode Date: May 23, 2011

Jenny Craig hoax, small people, police training, Timmy and his campfire songs, Harland for president, and Harland reads a poem. Twinkldy dinkldy dee!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Heyo! How are you, everybody? Ladies and gentlemen, citizens of the world. It's me, Harlan Williams. Welcome to the Harland Highway. So happy you can be here. What a show we have today. Oh, my God. This one's a nutball. Okay, I'm going to be talking about Jenny Craig models. I think there might be a scam going on. Check out my theory on the Jenny Craggers. Also, we're going to be talking about. police training police training with their tasers and their guns and everything I might be running for president okay I'm announcing that I might be running for president and check out later in the show

people weighing in listeners calling in and weighing in on whether I should run for president of the United States in the upcoming election I'm going to be doing something a little more serious today I'm going to be reading a poem again We'll see how that goes.

I hope you like it. It's not comedy, but it's kind of, you know, something different. We're going to be talking about small people. Yeah, that's right. Midgets. And then this idiot kid who sings campfire songs, I'm forced to put him on the air because he's one of the producers' nephews or something. So that kid's coming by.

I hope that doesn't dissuade you from being right here on the Harlan Highway. Welcome to the Harland Highway. You fellas been doing a bit of booze and have you? Sucking back on Grandpa's old cough medicine. There's an element of uncontrolled chaos. The Harland Highway. Serving everyone from presidents and kings to the scum of the earth. What a treat.

Oh, wait. Was you a great big fat person? You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. You need many years of therapy. Hey, Harlan. It's Stephanie from Best... Just do me

You might want to think twice Before sticking your penis in there Just do me You're riding down the Harland Highway With Harland Williams You're out of the woods You're out of the talk, you're out of the night Hey, hey, hey, Harlan Williams here

And you are grooving down the Harlan Highway Whether you're big, tall, fat, skinny, You're all welcome here. I guess labeling different sex of society can be a problem. Apparently now there's a big debate out on what we should call small people. Can you call them midgets? Can you call them dwarfs? I mean, I was always happy with munchkins.

You know, I think Wizard of Oz kind of set the template. Dwarf reminds me of like some kind of freak from Lord of the Rings. And midget brings up visions of circus. But Munchkins just always felt cute, and I imagine, you know, little people living in the petals of flowers and wearing curly shoes and eating giant lollipops. We represent the Lollipop Guild, the Lollipop Guild, the Lollipop Guild, and in the name of the Lollipop Guild, we wish to welcome you too much kid land. So can we go with Munchkin?

I think it's more insulting to go with the technical terms. I'm a little person. Yeah, no crap there, junior. Can you get your face out of my kneecap? Hello. Little people, tall people. You can't do anything anymore, man. I don't know what to call anybody, lest they be offended.

You want to call me stretch? Call me stretch. I'm like six foot two almost. Bean sprout, tall guy. I don't know. It doesn't freak me out. I mean, as long as you're not being idiot about it, just call me your host,

your big, tall, lanky, munchkin host here on the Harland Highway. Yep, you can't call anyone anything anymore. Everything's got a technical name now. Okay, it's, uh, let's see, let's see it calls someone a dumbass. Okay, now you can't call them a dumbass. You have to say, you're a mentally changed. challenged buttock.

Yep, you heard me. Mentally challenged buttock. And speaking of mentally challenged buttocks, it's the time of year where we have to have this kid. Oh, here we go. Oh, come on, Roger. Do we really have to have this kid? Oh, God.

All right, folks. It's summer. It's coming into summer. It's everything's heating up. People are going camping. And so one of the producers have his, insists that we have his nephew in.

Oh, God, I hate this kid. He's an idiot. Insists we have this kid in to sing campfire songs to get in the spirit of the summer, camping the great outdoors. This kid comes in and sings his songs. Let's get it over with. What's his name?

Timmy I bring them in here get in here come in here Timmy Timmy come in all right I'm coming alright well get in here I'm in

does it look like I'm outdoors alright don't get snappy with me kid up yours don't start I'm here to sing campfire songs all right good

what do you got well my first one's about canoeing. Okay, have you ever canoed? Uh, duh, idiot. Okay, let's lose the, uh, sassy stuff. How about you lose your garlic breath? Okay, sing your dopey song.

Okay. Oh, canoeing, canoeing. Up and down the river. Up and down the river. There's a moose. There's a bear. There's an owl, there's a moose. Wow.

Are you kidding me? What? There's an owl, there's a bear, there's a moose. There's a moose again. I do it twice. Up and down the river, huh, kid? That's right. What do you think?

I'm in a canoe sideways? All right, are you done? No, I have two more. Oh, God, two? That's what I said. One plus one equals two. I don't throw your math at me, kid. Up yours.

That's two words. Would you just do your song? What's the next one? Oh, let's roast a marshmallow of the campfire. Let's roast a marshmallow of the old campfire. Oh, Sally's got a marshmallow. Jimmy's got a marshmallow. Daddy's got a marshmallow.

the old campfire Wow What Nothing just nothing That sounded like golden ass What the hell's a golden ass Your voice, that's what Up yours

Hurry up and do the last campfire song Get the hell out of my studio Up yours Hurry up All right, here's my last one Oh, what's you're going to do with all that junk? All that junk inside your trunk. What's you going to do with all that junk?

I'm going to get you drunk, drunk, drunk. I'm going to get you drunk off my lump, my lovely lady lump, my lump, my lovely lady hums. What are you going to do with all that jeans, all that jeans, all that jeans? Where are you going to go with all that jeans? I'm going to get... All right, cut it out. What? What the hell are you singing, kid?

I'm singing a campfire song, ass. That is not a campfire song, dumbass. Up yours? That is not... That is a lovely lady lump, you idiot. I know where I come from. I don't know what camp you go to, sir. Would you just finish up?

Oh! I don't want no drop. No, no, no, no drama. I don't want no drama. No, no, no drama. Oh, what you're going to do with all that junk? All that junk inside your trunk. I don't need no drama.

Now, get out. Stop me. Get out. No, I'm not finished. You're not doing any more lady lubs. My lovely, lovely hubs, my lovely lady lubs. Check them out. Oh, who you can play with all my hubs.

Get out of here. Suck my humps. My lady lumps. I'm just like a camel. I've got lots of bumps. Hubs. Get out. Suck my humphole, pig.

What did you say? Suck it. Get out of here, idiot. Roger. Unbelievable. Never again, dill weed. What a joke. I don't want no drama.

No, no, no drama. All right, turn off the lady lumps. Roger, turn off the lady lumps. Good Lord. Unbelievable idiot. Timmy King and his friggin' campfire songs. What a dillweed. And speaking of lady lumps, how about this?

I got a theory here on Lady Lumps, okay? Have you been watching TV lately and you catch the Jenny Craig commercials? Okay? And you see these girls, these women, and they're like, I lost 60 pounds on Jenny Craig. And you look at them, and they show the before and after picture, okay? And the before picture, yeah, they're 60 pounds heavier.

They're in a bathing suit. know and then they show the after picture and they look unusually hot like i'm talking like model hot i'm talking like they throw these girls in a bikini and there's no stretch marks they're tone they're tight they really look like they just stepped out of modeling school and i'm like wait a minute something right here man okay something's a little off Could this be another marketing trick? Some more deceitful maneuvers by advertisers? And here's my theory.

Okay, when people are fat and they're usually fat for a long time because it takes a while to build up to fat, okay? When you're 60 pounds overweight, that's a buildup. And what happens when people get that big, they usually let it sit for a while. A lot of people that get fat, stay fat, for years, if not decades. It's very rare when a person goes 60 pounds overweight and goes, oh, my God, I'm fat.

I've got to lose this. Gone. No, no, no. You know fat sits around for a long time, okay? And when you lose the fat, there's usually stretch marks, there's loose skin, there's flab. You don't look as good as these people do. on the Jenny Craig commercials.

So here's what I think is happening. I got no way to prove it. It's just a theory. But here's what I think's going on with the before and after pictures. I think that these people are going out and finding hot girls, young girls with tight, model-like bodies. And they're saying to them, they're saying, hey, you're pretty damn smoking hot,

and you have a killer body. And the chick's like, yeah, that's true, yeah. I'm guessing, and again, I have no proof. This is just my theory. I'm guessing that they're saying to these hotties, they're going, I'll tell you what, how about this? You eat all you can for four months for us, okay? And because you're young, because you've got a high metabolism, because you've got such a good body, because you look so great, eat for four months straight

all the crap you can balloon up like 30 40 50 50 60 pounds and then just stop eating and just go back to what you're doing your high metabolism your exercise regime your natural genetics we can tell you're kind of a born to be thin person and let us take a picture of you when you're fat

and then go ahead and lose all that weight in like four weeks and go back to who you were. And by the way, we're going to give you $300,000 to do this. And that's my theory. I think they're getting good-looking girls telling them to get big. They get big.

They snap a couple of pictures. And these girls, because they're young, they've got good jeans, they probably work out. They go and they lose the weight in a month. They snap right back. because they're only fat for like four months. They're not, you know, damaging their skin or their look.

It's kind of like, remember the movie Raging Bull, Robert De Niro? Remember he won an Oscar? And for part of the movie, he's thin as a rail. No body fat, right? Just looks cut. And then the second half of the movie, they show him later on in his life, and De Niro went and did just that.

He went and he wanted to get fat for the last half of the movie. And he did. If you watch the movie, you'll see it. And if you listen to an interview or read about De Niro's how he accomplished that, he said he just 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8 for like, you know, a month, 2 months. He just bloomed up. As soon as the film was shot, he just went back to the way he was. And we've never seen him fat again.

And I'll tell you what, man. that's what they're doing with these Jenny Craggers. Okay, because they just look too good, man. You know, I think it's smoke and mirrors and it could be a con job. Again, I don't know. I'm just throwing it out there as a possibility. But if you had to look at the research, if you had to, you know, have them produce evidence

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Don't throw your back out. Stop. Do you know how fast you were going? I'm going to have to write you a ticket to my new movie, The Naked Gun. buy your tickets now and get a free chili dog chilly dog not included the naked god tickets on sale now august first because these girls they they just look too damn good you know a fat person that loses weight still looks good but you can still see rolls you can still see a little flab because the skin was stretched blah blah blah and they just have that that general look you know so i'm i'm suspicious

I'm just saying, that's my theory, okay? Hope you're not up to anything, Jenny Craig, because we're watching you. I'm sitting on my couch, eating a pie, eating some ice cream and some popcorn, and I'm watching you. Oh, and someone get me a grilled cheese and some bacon, because I'm sitting on my couch watching you.

Okay, I got a lot of respect for the police. Okay, and I'll say, Some people don't like them. I think they're great. I think the policeman and police women of this country do a great job, for the most part, are looking out for us, putting their lives on the line for us, lest you forget citizens that they would step in front of a bullet for you in most cases, unless you're a jerk, and then they'd probably shoot a bullet at you. But in any case, I do have one gripe with the police,

and I don't understand this part of their training. I saw it on the news the other night where because the police taser people, the police, in turn, in their training program, need to be tasered. Okay, Jim, turn around. We're going to shoot a taser in your back. And there they go. They shoot them right in the back. They're twitching on the floor, having a sense.

seizure. I mean, what the hell? The reason we do it is so that police officers know what it feels like to taser someone. Okay, great logic there, Officer Pascuali. How about that gun on your belt? I sure would like to know what it feels like to be shot. Okay, turn around. We have to shoot you so you know what it feels like to be shot. Okay, he's dead. Now he knows what it feels like to be dead. Remember, people, when you shoot people dead, gonna know what it feels like to shoot someone dead.

Why is our recruitment so low? Somebody, get me the recruitment officers. What's going on here? Where are our policemen? Why is no one showing up at this training session? Uh, because you shot them all dead last week, Captain. That's no excuse. Get those corpses back.

in here, I'll shoot them again, and if they get out of line, I'm going to taser them. Uh, okay, Captain. Have you been shot yet? No, sir. Hello? Hello, where is everyone? Hello? Someone get me a body to shoot.

I just don't get it. You know what? If people are dumbasses and you cops need to taser them, go ahead. You don't need to train. You don't need to know what it feels like. Just taser their asses. I wouldn't want to have to deal with a drunk moron either. I'd taser them, pepper spray them, have my police horse kick them in the, you know what,

shoot them, and then throw them in jail. But that's just me. That's why I'm not in the police force. That's why I'm here, your chauffeur, on the Harlan Highway. Hey, Arlen, this is Brian and Phoenix again. say, you ask the question if you should continue to share your poetry, I think you should. I personally like that you have the comedy side, you have the serious side, and the shows an emotional side. Before I heard the podcast, I didn't know you wrote children's books.

I didn't know that you sang. I didn't know a lot of this stuff about you, and it's really interesting for at least me to hear that you're doing poetry as well. I for one appreciate your poetry. I enjoy it. I think it's a nice change. And as always, still love all your humor, all your fun stuff you do, the skits, the voices, just everything you talk about. Keep up good work and we'll catch you later. Bye, bud. All right. Well, many thanks to Brian for his call about the poems.

And, yeah, a few, maybe a month or so back, I read a poem about, you know, people forgotten, people leaving and never coming home. And one lady called in and left a message. You might have heard it in one of the older podcasts, and it just really touched her. I guess she had recently lost her father. And I kind of done the poetry thing as a bit of an experiment.

I was like, I don't know. I do the wacky stuff, the funny stuff. You know, I like to goof around, let's face it. But I thought I also have, you know, a more serious side. And I think we all do, right? The deeper side, a more introspective side. And I've been writing poetry for a long time, and I thought, you know what, maybe I'll take a risk.

I'll go out on a limb and share a poem. And people like Brian and other people called in and said they enjoyed it, and maybe they'd like to hear more. And I'm a little hesitant to do it. But you know what? The first round seemed to go well. Okay, got some good feedback from people. And so, you know what?

I'm going to do it again. Today I have a poem, and I'll give you a little backstory. This poem's kind of a fresh one. I wrote it about maybe three weeks ago. I was up in New Jersey doing a stand-up show. And on the way to the club, I had to walk past this really old church that had this really old graveyard.

And every day I walked past it, and it was kind of thought-provoking, and it was right beside the sidewalk. And here's me walking on one side of the wall alive. And on the other side of the wall, there's just endless amount of dead human beings. and I thought, God, who are these people? Who are these people laying here?

You know, the gravestones are really old and time and rain and almost washed the names right off them. And I thought, God, why does life put us here, man? You know, those people in there are just no different from me. They're me and I'm them. We're all just people. And in the midst of all this kind of morbid death stuff, and me kind of feeling heavy about it.

A beautiful little bird landed on one of the gravestones. I'm sure you're all familiar with a robin-red breast. It's kind of a black bird with a brightly colored orange breast. And here was this living thing that kind of landed in this sea of gray depressing death. And it landed right on a gravestone. And it just kind of spiraled me into thinking about, life and death and why we're here and how long we're here and what it all means. And I don't think I found any answers, but I just kind of put my feelings down on paper.

And so here we go once again, my second poem ever here on the Harland Highway, based on this graveyard. I hope you like it. It's called Forgotten. And here it is. A robin perched on a gravestone, a gravestone ravaged by time, stained by the dirt of the city, lichen, yellow, and lime. It stood on the sad gray remembrance of a poor soul who lay underground, a person like you or like me, who no one knows is no longer around. Under the earth and forgotten All of the things that they were

The memories and feelings begotten That they existed nothing more than a blur All of the pain now for naught The suffering, the trials, the tears All the possessions they bought Sifted through garage sales throughout the years What of their memories and laughter The first kiss, the hand in her palm

the touching the sharing the staring the staring the falling in love to a song where does the knowledge acquired transplant when the heart stops its beating death is so cruel and final death so good at defeating and as i walk past the graveyard i saw stones marking many more souls their corpses underground and unwanted nothing but food for the moles. Life seems like a long, cruel trick. It builds us up to where we think we are close, to the meaning, the answers, the reasons, then devours all the seeds that we sow. But maybe that Robin was a messenger, and landed that day by design, so that I would look down and remember those people who now were resigned. Locked in eternal darkness, with all of the things that they touched. Like you and like me they were but whispers in the brief moment of life that they clutched. From your eye let a soft tear hit the soil and permeate into the clay and seep to the dusty bones of the forgotten so that they are remembered if but just for a day.

Wow. Okay, there it is. A little morbid, a little dark, but I guess the reason I wanted to read it was, you know, to see if it touched you in any way, to see if it caused you to think. It stimulated anything inside you. I don't know. Maybe it's a bit too dark, but I guess the message I kind of got out of it is even in the darkness. We were here. we all did something, and that little Robin signified to me that life just keeps going on. It's a mystery. I don't have the answers. None of us do. So maybe you caught something in those words. Maybe you didn't. And please forgive me for the dramatic readings. You know, he went into the darkness. But I don't know. It's so serious. It's such a serious tone that I try to give it a little dramatic flare.

So there you go. Look at me getting all uncomfortable. I'm out of my element reading poetry. It's not something I do, but I'm happy to share it with you guys. I hope you got something from it. If not, so be it. And if you did, great. It's all about life.

It's all about sharing experiences. And in the end, we all go to the same place. So there you go. and just so it's not too way down, too heavy here, too weighty. Let's end the show with something a little more upbeat, some more comedy,

and here we go. Ask not what the Holland Highway can do for you. Ask what you can do for the Holland Highway. Getting my presidential pipes on, baby. I asked you to call my answering machine and leave your thoughts and comments as to why or why not I should be the president. You got my vote. You should be president because you're more intelligent and articulate than our current president.

That'd be great. Later. Okay, okay, that's cool. That's a positive star. What else we got? Hello, Harlan. This is Heather. I think you should run for president because you're hilarious.

and absolutely gorgeous. And I figure you have to do a better job than anybody else out there, right? Well, that's my opinion. I hope that you like it. You know what, Heather? I do like your opinion. That was really good. Especially that part that rined with Scatakugi, gorgeous.

What was it? Absolutely gorgeous. Oh, that's me. Yeah, the absolutely gorgeous presidential candidate. Let's hear some more of these great compliments that are just coming in. This is getting me all amped up. Hey there, Harlan. I think that maybe if you ran for president, it would be a wonderful thing

because then you wouldn't have time to be on the air anymore. Thanks. Bye. Geez. Well, you love people who make comments and just laugh at themselves. Okay, knock it off, lady. You obviously don't realize that I am. Not to mention...

You're hilarious. And... Absolutely gorgeous. Can never get enough of that one. So what more do I need to be President of the United States? Right, people? Call me. Let me know what you think.

Harlem Williams on the Harland Highway. Oh, I love it. I love the snappy, sarcastic remarks. so yeah you know what do you think should i run for president it's coming up you know people are starting to announce i don't see why i shouldn't be president right i'm half canadian i'm half american maybe there's a good balancing act in there somewhere maybe we can become uh acadians or uh americans and just join everything together and i can be the leader i I can change the geography, I can change the landscape, I could, who am I kidding?

But call me if you think you have a good reason why or why I should not be president. Let me know and we'll put your calls up on the air. 888-500-2090. And you'll have lots of time to think about this because we are at the end of the show. Thank you for being here. I had a wonderful time. Hope you enjoyed the show today. The funny, the crazy, the poignant, the poetry,

the presidential announcement. I mean, come on. So there you go. You can catch the Harland Highway on your cell phone. If you go to Stitcher.com, they have a free app. You can download it, and you are on your way. Don't forget, everybody, I will be doing stand-up comedy in Las Vegas at the Palms Casino, June 9th, 10th, and 11th. So make sure you get your tickets, the Palms Casino, June 9th, 10th, and 11th.

Great venue, great shows. And we're going to have fun. So there you go. That's the show. check out harlan williams.com for all your harlan williams needs and until next time my friends chicken chow main baby well that's my opinion i hope that you like it