The Harland Highway - PODCAST 273

Episode Date: May 25, 2011

Feng Shway, Magnet drivers, Timmy and his campfire songs, nap time, and trouble in phone sex land. Tharrrrr she blowwwwwwssss!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hello, my friends, and welcome to the coffee capital of the world, the Harland Highway. I don't know what that meant. I don't know what that meant. Welcome to the Harland Highway, folks. My name is Harlan Williams. I am your chauffeur, if you will. And today, we are talking about all kinds of things. We're going to talk about feng shuiing. Have you ever feng shuied your house or your, or your, environment or your face.

We're going to talk about that. We're going to talk about what I call a magnet driver, okay? You ever been with a driver, and they just seem to be a magnet for everything that's going wrong on the road, and you don't know whether to tell them to go this way or that way? We're going to get into that. Unfortunately, that stupid annoying kid Timmy is here because it's summer. He's going to be doing some summer campfire songs. idiot not looking forward to that um and then a little problem with me let's just say i ran into a

little fertility problem uh we'll get into that i don't want to talk about it too much i'm a little uncomfortable a little uh awkward and then uh right at the end of the show we're going to talk about nap time we're going to help you transition into sleepy time but not yet we're just getting going right here On the Harland Highway. Welcome to the Harland Highway. You fellas been doing a bit of booze and have you? Sucking back on Grandpa's old cough medicine.

There's an element of uncontrolled chaos. The Harland Highway. Serving everyone from presidents and kings to the scum of the earth. What a treat. Oh, wait. Was you a great big fat person? You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway.

You need many years of therapy. Hey, Harlan. It's Stephanie from Bedford. Just do me You might want to think twice Before seeking your penis in there Just do me You're riding down the Harland Highway

With Harland Williams Hey, hey, hey, it's Harland Williams And you're on the Harland Highway And I hope you're having a great day Because I know I Hold on, there's someone at the door Hello? Hi, can I come in?

Who are you? Yeah, okay. Let me remind you. Hi, this is sexy Sarah. Uh, Sarah, yes, yes. You phoned my house the other night, right? Yeah, I phoned your house. Yeah, yeah, wow.

Let me, let me remind you. About one month ago, you called me. It was about 2 o'clock in the morning. Oh, okay, kind of. You were telling me how lonely you were, remember? Yeah, I think I'd been drinking a bit that night. Yeah, okay, you know what? I don't care what you'd been doing, but you have a responsibility now.

Excuse me? Yes, you do. You don't look anything like how you sounded, by the way. What's that supposed to mean? Well, you're just heavier than... Okay, well, maybe I'm heavy for a reason. What are you talking about? Okay, I missed my period this month.

Okay, you're the only one I spoke to that night? Are you saying you're pregnant? Duh. Well, wait a minute, that wasn't me. I use a cell phone. Okay, you know, cell phone, home phone, I don't really care. I'm pregnant and it's your fault. How could, it couldn't have been my fault.

Okay, um, hmm, were you satisfied that night? Yeah. Okay, very satisfied, right? if I remember? Yeah. Okay. Did you use a condom? On my phone?

You know what? No, I didn't. Okay, and now I'm pregnant. It's your fault. Oh, my God. You have to own up to the responsibility. You make a phone call like that. You have to pay for the consequences.

Look, it was phone sex. I was a little drunk. Yes, I was a little lonely. What are you talking about? Are you okay? And I was completely sober, and I was still willing to do it with you over the phone. And I'm pregnant now because of you. folks we got to take a break here you know what sally uh if you could just sarah sexy sarah sexy sarah look

can i can i call you oh yeah right like i'm gonna let that happen again okay i've got to take a break folks i got a bit of a problem on my hand uh this is the harland highway we'll be back what what's your number again 785 oral oh my god oh my god i'm gonna be a father Wow, don't you hate it when accidents happen like that? Sex accidents. Damn. And speaking of accidents, how about this? I saw an accident the other day.

I saw a hit and run. How about that? I'm sitting in a window, like a little fast food restaurant joint. And outside the window is the road. and there's a big fat sidewalk and it was a beautiful sunny day and we're all just sitting in the restaurant and most of the tables like face looking out onto the street and all of a sudden a body comes flying through the air

and lands on the sidewalk right and we're all like what they everyone jumped up out of their seat and ran out the door and this kid this kid he must have been going to 22, 23 years old. He got hit by a car on his bike, right in front of all of us. And I guess he wasn't hurt. He just jumped up and he pulled his helmet off. And he ran towards the car and he threw his helmet with all his force.

He like windmilled the helmet, his biking helmet, and just smashed it off the front glass of the car window, right? and he was just enraged and everyone was just like, what the hell is going on? And then the guy had the wherewithal to pull out his cell phone and he started like taking pictures of this guy's license plate on the front grill. Well, the guy in the silver Mercedes, yeah, that's right.

It looked like a pretty new silver Mercedes was like, well, I'm not having any of this. And he starts moving forward. And he starts like kind of pushing the kid. And the kid's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, the kid puts his hands on the hood. He's like, you're not going anywhere. And the guy in the car goes, yeah, I'm bigger than you. And he keeps rolling.

And he pushes the kid to the side, and the kid's grabbing the side of the car. And the car takes off. It was like a hit and run. And we were all just like, what the hell? People started running down the street trying to catch the car. And some guy on his pickup truck who had pulled over went wailing after this mystery car. and here's this kid standing there, you know, scratching his ass and going, what the hell happened? And we're all like, what the hell is wrong with people?

It was bizarre. It was a bizarre thing to watch. It was unsettling. First of all, it was unsettling to see a human being launched into the air after getting hit by a car. Okay, that was terrifying. and then I got to say it was a little disturbing to see the kid get up and just be so full of rage and take his helmet off and just like wailing at this guy's window.

I can understand the anger and the hurt and the confusion but to suddenly fly into a kind of a violent rage. The guy looked really angry and upset, which is natural, but I don't know, it seemed a bit excessive. It's like you'd think a guy would get up and check his body and make sure he wasn't bleeding or broken, but this guy just right up off the ground, ripped off the helmet, like a primal caveman.

And so then it got even more disturbing when the driver not only took off, but he kind of, it almost looked like he was trying to run the kid over when the kid put himself between the car and the road. And the kid literally had to like jump out of the way, jumped to the side to avoid being like crushed. And I go, wow, this guy's in trouble because there was like, you know, 20 witnesses. We all saw it. We all, people got the license plate.

It was nutty. And then the only thing I could say, I thought if they ever catch this guy and it goes to court, the only thing maybe he could argue is that he feared for his life. And let me explain, you know, this kid came at him. kid that was hit came at him with such violence and such rage and such anger that I wonder if a court of law could conclude that the driver who hit him was now fearing for his own safety because the kid who got hit was so out of control. Like he literally flew into a fit of rage.

It was kind of almost like, this isn't real, but you're almost like, chill out, kid. maybe you do need to get hit by a car. Maybe someone better take you out. Obviously, you're a loose handle. You're ready to blow, kid. Okay, not really. But, you know, I can see, put yourself in the driver's situation. You know, your first instinct would probably be, oh, my God, I just hit someone.

I'd better jump out and see how they are. But imagine if you're the one who accidentally hit a kid, and before you can even unbuckle your seatbelt, through your front window you see this raging face all crinkled up and rage and red and throwing something at your window you might go wait a minute I could be stepping out into a dangerous snare this guy's clearly lost his composure

he's clearly being violent and aggressive I better get out of here now I can see that being the defense because you know how it is in America Any loophole you can find, any excuse to not claim responsibility. Oh, yeah, there's lawyers out there that'll help you through the magic portal. Your Honor, my client was in extreme danger. I mean, after he smashed that kid on his bicycle with his Mercedes,

he was sitting there in his electronically heated bucket leather seats, listening to Yanni on his Dolby 14 speaker system from his air-conditioned car, okay, reclining seats, and here comes this maniac. I mean, just a maniac rushing the car with a helmet in his hand, Your Honor. The mental anguish, the stress, the scratch on my client's car window. I mean, it's enough to put someone into a sanitarium, Your Honor, and therefore we are suing the individual that we struck with our car for mental anguish, damage to personal property, and assault and battery. You know how they'll turn it around, right? Suddenly the victim is the bad guy. Yeah, that's the way it works, man. So anyways, I'm just relaying an incident.

that I saw that was a kind of shocking, kind of startling, and really wrecked my lunch, okay? That's what I'm getting. How dare they interfere with my lunch hour? No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding. But scary stuff, but, you know what, words to the wise. You know, I always say try and let cool heads prevail. And look, I've never, actually, I was hit on a bike once by a car.

Not as dramatically, but I won't get into that story. But, you know, you got to figure if you have. fly out onto the ground, act like the victim, lay there writhing around. Oh, my back, my ribs. Oh, oh, oh, oh, ow, my $200,000 lawsuit. Oh, what? What did he say? I think he said his ribs.

Oh, yeah, that's what I said. I didn't say my half-million dollar lawsuit. Did I? Oh, it hurts my new mansion that I'm going to buy with this accident that just occurred. Yeah, just lay there and be the victim, man. you know if you pop up from the moment you're hit by a car and within a second you're up and you're physical and you're swinging and you're you know that there's no way

you could ever claim you got hurt there's no way you could ever win a lawsuit anyways be careful out there I did a whole bit about this I think you know a month ago I did a whole bit about I called them road runners people who ride their bikes out on the street you know pushing the envelope pushing fate tempting fate and uh you know as fate would have it like a month after i did that bit talking about how people get hit by cars all the time people are killed every

year because they want to ride their bike they want to share the streets with vehicles and you got people on cell phones and texting and drinking and just bad drivers and you want to share the road with giant blobs of steel moving at over 50, 60 miles an hour. Hey, you know, what are you going to do? Be careful. Everybody just needs to calm down, take a deep breath, relax. Everyone just feng shui, man. Fang shui. Hey, hey, hey, it's Harlan Williams here on the Harland Highway. And it rhymes with feng shui, highway, feng shui. I do not want to hear about another person feng shuiing their house.

Feng Shui you, buddy. Okay, yeah, right here. Fangshue you. What is wrong with these people that think, oh, if I put the couch here and I put the coffee table here, and I hang this picture perpendicular to the fireplace, and I put the fruit bowl here, and the ottoman here, the energy will flow through my house like some kind of cosmic laser beam. Hooray! The energy has been channeled. This house has been clansed. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes? Yes. The answer is yes. You always

want to have better sex. That's what, you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy. All will be packaged and sent discreetly for free and free. fast. Don't wait. Better Sex is just a click away. That's 50% off, one item, and free shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harlan to check out.

That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer, to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and a hundred percent free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. All right. You want to feng shui yourself. Go get an anima and cleanse yourself because you're sounding like a real dillweed. I mean, if this stuff was true, how does anyone walk through IKEA, man? I can't make it to the bunk band section the energy's too strong somebody turn the bunk beds the other way i don't know if i can make it to the rocking chair hurry someone feng shui ikea come on man screw your feng shui huh look at the energy coming off my middle finger there you go

feng shui you That wasn't nice. That was... I didn't mean to feng shui you. Okay? Sorry. Speaking of bad, like, timing and karma and flow, if you will, have you ever been driving with someone?

And they just don't get it. The traffic has a flow, right? Like, let's say you're on a busy city street. And there's three lanes, okay? And they're all... going one way and there's three lanes coming the other way and the person you're driving with every time you look up they just happen to be in the lane that's at a standstill or they're sitting in the lane where the cars are backed up like 25 deep and on each lane to the right or

the left they're only backed up like three deep and you're just sitting there and you're like okay he doesn't notice it's it that's okay just one thing you know it he'll feel figure it out. And then you keep driving and you get to the next light. And, you know, there's a cement mixer, a logging truck, and a dump truck in one lane. And there's a smart car in the other lane and a leaf in the other lane. And your guy pulls in right behind the convoy. And, you know, what could be slower than those three trucks? And so you're like, Okay, okay, I'm not going to say anything. Just maybe we've been talking.

That's what I've been distracting him. Okay. So then you keep going down the road and all of a sudden there's like a one of those construction zones where they taper the lanes like three lanes taper into two and then two lanes taper into one and everything's backed up. And if you were to just look ahead, you could see that if you stayed in the left lane, that tapers to the right. You could probably get ahead about, you know, 100 yards.

But you get the guy who stays in the lane that lets everyone else go in. And as thousands and thousands of cars motor by, you finally get through, right? Or you're driving down the road. You keep going and you still haven't said anything. And your guy finally moves over to the right lane, but the right lane is the lane where all the cars can make the turn into the mini malls.

So the other two lanes to the left are just flying and you're stopping every 14 seconds while the cars move into the mini malls. And finally you're just like, guy, guy, come on. This happened to me. I had to tell the guy. He's probably listening right now. He knows who he is.

Yeah. And he knows. He knows. I said something to him. And I was laughing, but I was like, you know, I'm an aggressive driver, okay? I'm a guy that looks for openings. It's like a video game to me. When I drive, I look about, you know, 50 yards ahead.

And I go, okay, truck up on the right, ambulance on the left, long line in the thing. I can see a wheelchair sticker in that car window. I can see an old lady's like white hair sticking out with the sun shining through it. I can see a silhouette of that. I can see up ahead there's some orange cones, dot, dot, dot. I process it all, and I just maneuver. And at the end of the day, does it get me anywhere faster? I don't know.

Maybe, probably. I think it does a little. But it's just the annoyance of sitting still and backing up and this and that. And by the way, I think you're more likely to get in an accident when you get involved in all that stuff because there's more starting and stopping. There's more dysfunctional traffic. There's more lack of rhythm where I think the opportunity opens up for you to get in an accident, right? So then we finally get out on the highway and lo and behold, everything's moving, but there's one car that's just poking along and guess who's in behind it?

We are. And I said, I said, guy, do you think maybe you should go around this? And you don't want to say anything. You don't want to be like a Sunday driver, but my God, I just don't have the patience for it. I'm like churning inside, and I got nowhere special to be. I got nowhere I got to be. There's no fire, but I just can't stand being the victim of other people's crappy driving. And I don't mean the guy I'm driving with.

I mean the people that's all around us and the guy I'm driving with somehow happens to be a magnet. if there's anyone with a flat tire or a broken light or taking a long turn or this so anything that can slow you down this person's a magnet for that lane and it just drives you nuts but I made it I'm alive we got there and I made it back but I couldn't keep my big mouse shut and that's just the way I roll down the Harlan Highway and now that I told you what annoyed me, here's something else that's going to annoy me and probably you too.

Do we have to do this, Roger? I know it's summertime, but do we have to keep having your friggin' nephew in here? All right, send a man. God, here we go. We got this. It's the warm weather. It's summer.

And we've got to have my producer's nephew in here. Timmy. Oh, God, send it, bring them in. Get them in. Hello, Timmy. Hi, how are you? Oh, I've been much better, Timmy. Why's that?

Because you weren't here. Up yours. All right, don't start with the sweet talk, okay? It ain't so sweet. What's sweet about up yours? Luck. Are you singing your dopey campfire songs or what? You know I am.

Why do you think I'm in here? Okay, well, how many are you doing this time? Three! Oh, great. I always do three. Well, hurry up and get them over with. Stupidest things I've ever heard. You're not even a good singer.

Shut your grease. Shut my grease. What does that even mean? I don't know you look greasy to me. Hurry up and play. All right. Oh! The big pine trees, the big pine trees, whistlet in the wind.

Oh, ho, ho, hey, hey, hey. A big pine tree and a big glass of rum. That's it? Yeah. A big pine tree and a big glass of rum. Yeah. That's a campfire song. It sure is.

Good Lord, kid. The Lord ain't got nothing to do with it. Yeah, right. Hurry up and do the next one and move on. Take it easy. Don't tell me to take it easy in my own studio. How about up yours? Sing!

Crabby old bastard, aren't you? Just sing your dopey songs. What's the next one called? It's called I built a log cabin by the lakeside. All right, do it. Quit pushing me ass Do it I built a

Long cabin by the lake side A long cabin by the lake I like to look at the lake From my long cabin on the lakes Cut it out I wasn't finished Yeah you're done Anyone never tell your voice sucks, kid?

Kind of like your breath. Just... What? Just finish. God, you make me sick. Kind of like your breath? Finish up. What's your next campfire song and get out?

Crabby old bitch? Stop it. Let me do one last one. Right, do it. Hurry up. Oh! Walk me Amadeus! Amidias!

I have a Deis! Rock me Amadeus! Rock me Amadeus! Amidias! Amidias! Deis! Dayus! Rock me Amidias! Stop it! What? Are you serious? What? You're going to tell me Rock Me Amadeus is a cabfire song.

What are you a lawyer? Are you going to tell me it's not? Yeah, I am. What, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, wonder, bar. Shish, shish, sh sugars, sweet. In 1954, Mozart Amadeus was born, and he said, Rook me, Amadeus, Amadeus, Amadeus! Stop it!

1984? Something like that. William Randolph-Mozart was born. I didn't say that. You did. You're mixing me up, kid. Probably the fumes from your. breath. Knock it off. Do you mind if I finish, please? Yeah, I do. Get out of here.

I said, rock me. I'm Adaius. Oh, ho. Oh, ho. Oh, ho. Oh, ho. Oh, oh. Oh, oh. Oh, oh. Get out. Get out. Up yours. A deus. What'd you say to me? You heard me. Up yours. A deus. Up yours. Get out of it. Hey, sugar, sweet. Shit, get out! Hello, boys and girls. This is Harland Williams, and you're listening to the Harland Highway. Now it's time to unroll your mats and lay down on the floor.

It's nap time, boys and girls. lay down quietly and picture a big empty field with an apple tree in the middle of it now zone in on one of the branches now move in closer on one of the leaves now zone in rate on one of the little apples dangling there

you're laying underneath it staring up your eyes are getting heavy you're just about asleep when suddenly a big hairy greasy monkey jumps on the branch and shake the apple and it falls right in the middle of your forehead and hurts like ass ow

stupid monkey I was trying to have a nap man I got a bruise right between my eyes with a damn apple hit me Ow! We'll try again tomorrow for nap time, boys and girls, here on the Harland Highway. Watch out for greasy monkeys. What is it about the words greasy and monkey put together that make me laugh? I don't know.

I just don't know, but I like it. Greasy monkey. Everybody likes a gracy a monkey. Oh, oh, oh. Oh, man. Well, I'm glad we did the nap time right at the end because now the show is over, and that will help you, like, drift off into a sleep. Hello?

Wait a minute. You've been asleep this whole podcast? Hello? Wake up. Hello? What do you mean? you've been asleep the whole pile great bunch of greasy monkeys um all right well let me make a few quick announcements here if you want to see the kid live i will be in los vegas june 9 10 and 11 at the

palms casino you can go to harlowe williams dot com click on the uh stand up icon and uh get right connected to their website reserve your tickets now they usually sell out out when I'm at the Palms Casino in Las Vegas, fun room, great shows. Don't forget, you can pick up the Harland Highway with Stitcher. Stitcher.com. They have a free app for your cell phone so you can listen to the Holland Highway and check out Harlowilliams.com. Send me letters there.

Check out the store for merch. And you can always call me and leave me a message at 88852090. and that's it, man. Watch out for vehicles, feng shui, and everybody Wang Chung tonight. And until next time, Chicken, chow main, baby!