The Harland Highway - PODCAST 274

Episode Date: May 27, 2011

Helping too much, seat belts on planes, full moon fever, 1st class seating, indie films, Dancing with the Celebrities. Wagon train tinkle hairs!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

If you like smoking crack at midnight Getting high. Okay, let's not condone drug use here on the podcast, the Harland Highway. Welcome to the crack-free Harland Highway. How are you? Thanks for joining everybody. I'm in a bit of a weird mood.

You know, I'm going to talk about it. Full moon has an effect on me. And, you know, I might be rambling. a bit today. I might be griping a bit today on the show. So bear with, but we'll get to some funny stuff, too. So we're going to be talking about the full moon and the effects of the full moon. Have you ever helped a friend too much?

Have you ever helped a friend to the point where it wasn't beneficial to you? You helped them and it turned around and bit you in the ass. Going to be talking about that. How about planes? Are you annoyed with planes the way I am? I'm going to be going off on seatbelts on planes and first class service on planes. Pain in the ass. And then we're doing a new bit today.

First one today, Charles Parsley is here. Exciting new bit called Dancing with the Celebrities. Unbelievable. Great celebrity here today. Dancing their way in a competition. We're going to be talking about indie films and listening to your suggestions for names to be called here. on the Harland Highway Welcome to the

Harland Highway. You fellas been doing a bit of booze and have you? Sucking back on Grandpa's old cough medicine. There's an element of uncontrolled chaos. The Harland Highway. Serving everyone from presidents and kings to the scum of the earth. What a treat.

Oh wait. Was you a great big fat person? You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. You need many years of therapy. Hey, Harlan. It's Stephanie. from Bedford. Just do me. You might want to think twice before sticking

your penis in there. Just do me. You're riding down the Harland Highway with Harland Williams. Some marvelous night for a month down. Totally flexible. And moon rising but the moon.

Hey, hey, hey, you're rolling on the Harland Highway. And did you notice on the weekend, it was a full moon? Did you notice, does anybody else get affected by the full moon? But me? Am I the only guy that goes out and hops the fence at the zoo and takes zebra down by the throat and eats them till the sun comes up? Yes, that's right, my friends. I'm a velvulf.

I don't know. Sometimes I get weird when there's a full moon. They say that the moon affects the tides. I don't have an ocean in me. I mean, I know I'm 90% water. Is there a tide in me? Do I have a low tide? Do I have a high tide?

Do I have a red tide? Do I wash my clothes and tide? Yeah, actually I do. It smells great. They're really white and clean. But anyways, what I'm talking about is the moon makes me crazy. And I must be on the tail end of it

because obviously right now I sound crazy. And I'm not making much sense. And, oh my God, what's that a zebra? Got to go, folks. You know what else is crazy is when you help someone too much? I know that sounds weird and selfish and, you know, not very kind. What do you mean you don't want to help someone too much? Well, I don't.

Why wouldn't you want to help someone too much? Because it didn't work out for me. And that's what happened. Okay, I have a buddy that I play racquetball with, right? And I beat them pretty consistently. I think out of the 10 times we've played, he beat me once. And, you know, one thing I noticed about his game is that his serve was really bad. He was with racquet ball, it's all about hitting the ball low.

The lower you can hit the ball on the wall, the lower the ball bounces back and the harder it is for the opponent to get to the ball because it's so low to the ground. But this guy had a funky, weird serve, and he would hit his serve like up over his shoulder. So the ball had tons of airtime, and it would bounce back to me, and I would just smash it. And it was pretty easy to beat the guy. So finally, out of the kindness of my werewolf heart, I confronted the guy, and I said, look, man, I love playing with you, but do you mind if I mention something?

that I think is hurting your game. And he goes, go ahead. And I'm like, God, do I tell the guy? Because what if he corrects it? And then he kicks my ass all the time. Because that's happened to me before. And I'm like, you know what? I've got to be a bigger guy.

If he beats me, he beats me, but I got to tell him. So I told him that his serve was wrong. And I told him, you know, kind of a better way to do it that was suggested by this pro. There was a racquetball pro that hangs. around at the courts and also I was comparing his serve to my serve which is very low

and fast and hard and my serve like kills them so I said here's where I see your making a mistake and it might be why I'm beating you most of the time and he goes oh okay thanks so we go and play today

earlier today and the guy makes a correction and we play like five games and by the fifth game he's like smoking me and why because right from game one he adjusted his serve so out of the best of five he won three and I won two and usually it's the other way around and I'm like why did I tell him oh what am I an idiot and it's not like you could debate oh well maybe your serve made a difference no this serve made a huge difference he even

acknowledged it and you can see it like some of his serves were aces His serves were faster. They were harder. They were harder for me to get to because I'm on the receiving end, obviously. And you go, why did I tell them? Why did I have to help? I could have just been happy going along, beating them for years and years and get my mouth shot, and now he beat me.

But it's okay. I'm looking for it. It's going to bring the competition level up. It's going to make a harder battle to win. And that's always kind of fun when you're playing. sports so in the end i guess it's okay that i helped have you ever been in that situation huh where you kind of notice somebody's doing something wrong and you chime in and you know when you chime in that it's probably to come back on you and not be good for you but you know it's good

for your friends so you bite the bullet you do it anyways i hope you do maybe you don't um let me know 888, 52090, if you have any stories that bit you right in the butt. Okay, airlines, listen up. I don't know how many of you guys fly out there, but you know what? I don't need a full-grown steward standing at the front of the plane showing me how to put a seatbelt on. You've seen them.

They stand up there. They got that little mini seatbelt. The demo seatbelt, right? Someone's over the loudspeaker. Take the one end of the seatbelt and stick it in the buckle and pull firmly. And then they kind of mimic it. They do the little clip, like, as if none of us know how to put on a seatbelt. Do they really need to waste our time?

Oh, wait a minute. What? That's how you put on a seatbelt? Oh my God You mean to tell me You just stick that one piece into the other piece And it clicks Okay

Now I get it Because I used to stick that one piece right in my face And the other piece up my nose And I could never get comfortable And I just I didn't see how it really worked But okay right It goes across your waist

And you click it together Oh my God Thank you for telling me that American Airlines. Thanks for the education there, Southwest. Thanks for the free learning delta. Now I know how to put a seatbelt on. Hallelujah. Because God forbid we go down from 30,000 feet and hit a freaking mountain. And I don't got my seatbelt on. I wouldn't want to get injured or anything. Oh! Keep them buckled, people. It's the law. Here on the Harland Highway.

And I got to, all right, hurry up and land. I got to keep beefing about airplanes. Okay? Um, wow. And some of you might think this is snobbery. I hope not. But, uh, you know, as I've said to you before, I normally 99% of the time fly first class just because that's what I like. You know, obviously when I get on a plane, I get recognized a lot and it gets kind of stressful and I get a little bit of anxiety when people start coming up to me and saying hello and it's nice and it's friendly,

but I got to be honest, I feel trapped, I feel stressed, and so as a result, I kind of get into first class, I'm in the first five or six rows, and I can just kind of hide behind my newspaper. And I'm not trying to be snobby. It's just I think I mentioned to you before that I get kind of anxiety when I feel closed in and strangers are approaching.

Not that I don't like strangers. I just don't like the anxiety. So anyways, being in first class, there was a time, and it wasn't too long ago, you know, probably within the last seven, eight years, When, you know, you said in first class, okay, and you really did get treated different. You got treated a little more first class, you know, you would get the free movies, and you'd get the pillow, and you get the blanket, and you get the stewardesses checking in on you every few minutes

if you wanted something, and then they'd bring you snacks before they bring you the meal, and before they'd bring you the meal, they'd bring you like a fresh shrimp cocktail, and a chilled glass and then they'd bring you like a menu and they'd bring you like a three-course meal and then after the meal they'd bring you like a dessert card and you could get like a chocolate sunday and they'd ask you what kind of toppings you wanted and i mean you know airplane food's never great but at least in first class they attempted to spoil you and and you know there was a for what it's worth there was an elevated food service and you know you felt a little more spoiled well let me tell you people just so you know if you don't fly first class you've never fly in first class if you've

never flown first class those days are gone i'm telling you it is it is disgusting in first class now the only thing you really got going for you in first class is that you have a bigger seat and there's only person beside you okay and whatever food or booze or movie there is you get that free so what's what's that come out to dollars wise like you know a twelve dollar movie a uh you know 12 dollar meal and a few cans of beer what's that 30 40 50 bucks extra hey everybody who wants to have better sex no yes yes the answer is yes you always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make

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Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. But I got to tell you, you know, I almost wrote a letter the other day. I'm sitting in first class and they bring the meal. And, you know, it was plastic knives and forks. and a chicken breast that really looked like something I wouldn't eat at a hospital cafeteria. I mean, honestly, it was just grisly and horrible and ugly, and I looked around at other people's meals, and the choices are poor. The food was hideous, and here's something they really do that burns my bridges.

I don't like it when people try to disguise food. food. Okay, there was a time in first class when they would bring you a bread basket and you had like five different kinds of rolls. You had a flaky croissant roll. You had one of those rolls that it's like pretzel bread. It's in the shape of a bun. But when you eat it, it's like pretzel dough. So it tastes like a pretzel. And then they had like sourdough buns and, you know, all kinds of different buns. You've seen them all. So what happened to say, money is the geniuses at the airlines figured out how to take the dough from a regular bun. Think of the plainest, most regular bun you've ever had, okay, low-rant, cheap-ass bun.

And what they did is they learned how to shape, okay, and do the exterior of those fancy breads I told you about, croissants and bagel buns and sourd dough bonds. They've been able to mimic, imitate the shape and outer texture of those bonds and color. And then on the inside, just put the plain old, like, regular, yeasty, normal, low-rend bond. So they go, would you like a croissant, sir? Would you like a bagel bun? Would you like a sourdough roll? And you're like, oh, my God, the selection. And then you bite into it. You go, wait a minute, what's missing here? Where's the richness? Where's the texture? Where's that buttery flavor where's the flakiness where's the density where's the moisture where's the and you realize these jackasses without telling you have just basically given you like a fake bun and the reason i'm

telling you this is because a it pisses me off that they think we're stupid that we won't notice and what really pisses me off is just that they'd try to dupe us and and try to sell us something that isn't real. It's like when you, you know, you get fake crab or fake lobster. You go to like a seafood jar and they go, fresh crab, fresh lobster, and you realize it's not real. It's the processed stuff. It's made up of fish guts.

They press it all together. It's made out of a fish called Pollock. And it's like, come on, man. It's first class, you morons. you know how many seats are in first class probably like 12 usually how much more is it going to cost an airline to spend like eight dollars or twelve dollars more on a bag of buns versus you know giving us the two dollar buns it's first class make a little effort i know a lot of you people are probably going oh god quit whining fleeced you're in first class yeah well it ain't really first class that's my point

And there's people listening that probably have do fly in first class and are like, holy smokes, I didn't realize that he's right. Or maybe you do know about it and you're pissed about it too. It's just I hate getting duped. I hate the con job. I hate the short sale. It's like a used car sale. Yeah, oh yeah, this car's great.

It's got four great tires and everything works and the engine's brand new and the transmission's been replaced and you drive it off the lot and half an hour later you're getting towed that's what it feels like like you're being scammed a crappy food you know used to make a difference

used to care used to used to get first class service so up yours airlines that's what I'm getting at sorry to be whining to you people but it's just you know it just sucks

and they're all crying about not making any money and da-da-da-da-da-da-da. But then you hear on the news, you know, Delta makes, you know, $4 billion profit this year. American Airlines cleared $700 million in profit, blah, blah, blah, blah. And it's like, okay, can I get a damn bun, please, to celebrate? We now present Harland Williams in, Indie Film Theater. Hey, man, you want to watch a movie?

I don't know, man. I don't know what we should see, man. I think I've seen everything. Okay, why don't we get like an indie film, man? Oh, okay. What's that, man? Well, basically with an indie film, it's a story about human struggling, someone with deep emotional problems, who's usually on heroin or an alcoholic, or it's a run-down white trash mother who's coping with kids.

and one of them's got a substance abuse problem and the other one's been dabbling in homosexuality and is confused with their sexual orientation. It's dark and it's moody. People are smoking and they're wearing dark eyeliner and you don't really get the point of it at the end. So what do you say? You know what, man?

I think I'd rather go lay down on the highway and have a gasoline truck run over my face. Okay, let's do that, then. Yeah, let's do that. Here on the Harland Highway. Oh, man, I'm just ripping everything today, aren't I? It must be that full moon, I'm telling you. I get on the rag.

I get on the rag when there's a full moon. And pardon me if that's an abrasive term, but, man, you know that saying when women are on their period and they're moody and they're edgy and they're on the rag? That's me, man. Full moon gets me all like, that's why I'm griping about everything today. Seat belts and airplanes and indie movies. Oh, you know what, why don't we do something nice? Why don't we do, let's cut away from all the crabby. I don't like to be a negative guy.

The show feels like it's gotten a little negative. My bad. I apologize. Let's do something nice, something uplifting. How about this? Why don't we go to a new segment with our announcer Charles Parsley and a wonderful, lighthearted, beautiful, beautiful segment called Dancing with the Celebrities? Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

I'm Charles Parsley, and welcome to another wonderful episode of Dancing with the Celebrities. Yes, we have a wonderful, fun-filled show today with some unbelievable celebrities who'll be dancing out there, our judges sitting at the table, and why don't we kick the show off with Christy Alley and her partner, Flamenco Santoros, as they do a conga dance out in front of our judges. And here they come, Christy Allie and her partner doing the Congo. And here she comes, Christy Alley, strutting out to center stage. The music kicks in, and there they go, into a wonderful sweeping flow as she is dipped in Flamenco's arms twirled her around and Christialli and all her girth twirling on the stage as much as a large

woman can her inner thighs slapping together as she twirls and there she goes being dipped again obvious strain on Flamenco's face as he tries to hold the behemoth up just holding her just inches from the ground you can almost see his spinal column ripping out of the back of his epidermis and they're up again twirling gracefully moving bobbing and weaving

and there they go into a wonderful embrace they hold they passionately stare deep into each other's eyes Flamenco puts his hand on the back of Cristiali's large head

her mop top handfuls of hair full of sweat and grease you can almost see Flamenco's eyes almost crinkling as he tries not to imagine

the bacon grease on his hands and there they go gracefully slowing down the tempo now oh what's that a shot's been fired what are the judges Christy Ali's been hit

oh my God she's staggering around the stage like a wounded elephant hold on oh another shot another shot has taken out one of Christy Ali's kneecaps she's standing there teetering like a giant timber ready to fall and she's wobbling flamenco stands there

perplexed he doesn't know what oh christie alley's just taken tune in the chest she still stands but it looks like one of her artificial breasts has exploded flamenco flamenco has some kind of liquid in his eyes from the exploding breast implant and christie out oh oh multiple shots christie alley is down Christialli down on the ground, her body trembling, and it looks like she's just taken her last breath, she's definitely just taken her last breath as that final shot rang out. And unfortunately, Christy Alley, the giant actress, won't be moving on into the next round as the judges have shot her down like a stampeding elephant. And we'll be back next time with more dancing with the celebrities. I'm Charles Parsley. Hey, Harlan, I had an idea for what to call the numbers of the podcasts.

You know, the listening community, the Harland Highwayman. I have an idea for what you can call your listeners. go with the Highland Harmonites. Nothing? No? Holland. Hey, Harlan, this is Brian and Phoenix.

You're always talking about how we're rolling down the Harlan Highway. I was just going to throw out the Harland High Rollers. Harlan, as a member of the Harlan Highway out here on the highway, five days a week, I think the Harlan Highway

heroes, as you are, of course, our hero, Harlan Weeks. Enjoy your day. Hey, Harlan, This is Jay from North Carolina. How about the Holland Highway Hobos? That's going to catch you, isn't it?

If not, I still love the podcast. Got to go. Jay from North Carolina. I love it, man. Jay, don't take this the wrong way, but you sound a bit like Eeyore from Whitney the Pooh. You're like Harlem. How about the thing-any-thing with the thing-any-thing?

If not, still love the podcast. Thanks for noticing me. I love it. Thank you, Jay. Thank you, everybody, for those suggestions. You know what? Some great ones in there. I really, really, really like those ones.

And, you know, we've had quite a few from the guys. We've only had a couple from the ladies. So here's what I'm going to do. I need to hear from the ladies. I can't let this be decided. just by the guys. All right? In all fairness,

as an equal opportunity podcast, I need to hear some suggestions from our female audience. So, ladies, here's your homework. Do you have names, and don't use the ones that the guys have already submitted. Do you have names

that you would like to be called as listeners to the podcast? Do you have names you want to submit before we close up the box on this one. And I know what I just said did not come out right. I didn't mean it. Okay.

Call me 888, 500, 2090. It's closed to the guys now. We have tons of suggestions from the guys. And again, great, great suggestions, great names. But I want to hear from the women folk. 888, 500, 2090, start dialing that number. Okay? And you know what, before I go, let me just, let me leave you one little tip here before we go.

How about that? A little friendly tip for those of you that are getting frustrated with all your AV audio visual equipment that's cluttering up your house. Hello, this is Harlan Williams on the Harland Highway. thinking of putting in a home theater system getting behind your TV and dealing with all that wiring don't roll your TV and all your audiovisual equipment off the side of a cliff and then take a deep

breath, relax, and go to the movie theater. Just another friendly tip from your friendly podcast host, me, Harland Williams, right here on the Harland Highway. Or if you want an even better tip, if you don't want to go to the movie theater, hint, hint, hint, hint, I am going to be live doing stand-up comedy. in Las Vegas next week yes that's right I said next week it'll be June 9th 10th and 11th that's a Thursday of Friday a Saturday at the Palms Casino Las Vegas great time great showroom what you need to do is go to Harlan Williams.com click on my stand-up schedule

and you will get all the info on the show It's the Playboy Comedy Club in the Palms Casino in Las Vegas, sunny Las Vegas, Nevada. Come on out for a laugh. Throw your AV equipment off a cliff. Come see me yours truly. Check out Stitcher.com for a free app that will allow you to listen to the Harland Highway on your cell phone. And check out Harlan Williams.com store. for all your merch, fun gifts, entertaining CDs, DVDs, blah, blah, blah.

And that's it. That's all I got, man. I hope you had a great time today. And we'll catch you next time. And until then, chicken chamein, baby. I love the podcast. Thank you.