The Harland Highway - PODCAST 275

Episode Date: May 30, 2011

The mystery hair, sad guitar players, hardwood floor fever, Senior Fuentes, garbage piles, pet love, a helpful tip from Harland. Gargle you gibble bits!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Ouga chaka, chaka, chaka, chaka, chuka. Okay, enough with the caveman ranting. God knows I have enough other things to rant about. Why? Because this is a podcast. This is the Harlan Highway. That's right. You are on the highway with me.

Your host, Harlan Williams. Thanks for riding along today. And what a show we have today. we're going to be talking about garbage. How about that for a lead-in topic? We're going to be talking about your garbage piling up. Do you have a pet? Is there any jealousy between you and your pet,

and maybe your girlfriend or boyfriend? Ah, pet jealousy? Let's get into that. I'm going to be dropping a helpful hint on you, a little helpful tip. We're going to be discussing hardwood floors. Are you macking for a hardwood floor? Everyone seems to have to have a hardwood floor.

And if you don't have a hard word floor, I know you have this, a mystery hair. Yeah, on your body. You're going to be talking about that one strange hair going on your body. We're going to be getting into guitar players or wannabe guitar players. And Senor Fuentes is coming by today. Sadly, he always messes up my life. But I'm not going to mess up your life.

We're here to have a good time right here on the Harland Highway. Welcome to the Harland Highway. You fellas been doing a bit of booze and have you? Sucking back on Grandpa's old cough medicine. There's an element of uncontrolled chaos. The Harland Highway. Serving everyone from presidents and kings to the scum of the earth. What a treat.

Oh, wait. Was you a great big fat person? You just made a wrong turn. Onto the Harland Highway. You need many years of therapy. Hey, Harlan, it's Stephanie from Bedford. Just do me. You might want to think twice before seeking your penis in there.

Just do me. You're riding down the Harland Highway with Harlan Williams. Hey, hipsters, this is Harlan Williams here on the Harlan Highway. And have you heard about the groovy new trend rock and rollers? Yeah, Hardwood Floor. Everybody, everybody's donut. Everybody's getting into the hardwood floor scene. So run out right now and buy yourself some hardwood.

So you two can have a hardwood floor. Yeah. All right. Come on, man. What is with hardwood floors? Look at my living room. It's hardwood. Look at it.

Are you not getting hardwood just looking at my hardwood? Oh, look at the way it flows. throughout the room and look at the way they laid it down and the trim around the edges oh man it's just wood you know but everyone's got to have a hardwood floor now

that's the big thing what is that on your floor is that tile I see there is that ceramic tile you ripped that up right now and you put some hardwood down mister can you believe it you know many forests are probably dead and we're walking around on and what happened to

lime green three inch high shag carpet how'd we transition from that soft marshmallow we feel under our feet to walking around on hardwood yeah that's romantic huh you have the lady friend over let's lay in front of the fireplace and watch the crackling fire here lay right down with me and let's get comfy Lay your head back, your back and your soft shoulders right here on this white pine. Not fun, man. That's why I'm getting some purple shag carpet put in later this week. Three inch thick purple shag carpet coming in this week and I'm laying it right over my Dutch maple hardwood. Yeah.

No more hardwood. but I'm going to lay me some carpet. Ouch. Here, on the hardwood highway. Hello! Yeah, it's a phenomenon, the old hardwood. I'll tell you another phenomenon that I think you all have. Not all of you have hardwood, but all of you have this, okay?

Tell me where your mystery hair is. And you're like, what? What's he talking about? What did you say? Mystery hair? What's going on? What do he say? I said mystery hair.

Each and every one of you has at some point, part, area of your body, a lone hair, almost like a lone cowboy coming over the dusty sand dune, riding into town. You have a lone hair on your body that mysteriously is bigger and thicker or sticks out.

is longer all by itself it's in an area all by itself and you don't really know it's there until you feel it or you're looking in the mirror in an awkward position one day and there it is a mystery hair somebody calls Sherlock Holmes we must solve the mystery of the mystery hair it's creepy man I'll tell you what I'm going to share okay I got a mystery hair I'm not a hairy guy. I don't have like a hairy chest. I got a few, you know, I got like 12 dozen hairs. I don't know. But right up on my shoulder. How many people have hair on their shoulder? Not a lot. Rade up on my shoulder, just maybe halfway between the tip of my shoulder and my neck and just a little towards my back. It's not right up on the, like if my shoulder

was a roof, it wouldn't be right in the center of the roof would be down the roof a bit, like 10 degrees. I got this big, long, black hair, and it's really coarse. It's like a, if a giant had hair, it feels like a giant

hair. And it's black and it's thick, and I never remember it's there until I accidentally, like, I'm rubbing, you know, sun tan block on or something, or I'm getting out of the shower and somehow it's silhouetted in the light

I'm standing there and all of a sudden what's that on my shoulder what is that it's standing up is there something behind me what is that thing on my shoulder oh oh it's just that mystery hair it's creepy man

and so what I do is I like pull it because it's only one right so you can grab it with your fingers and it's thick and it's black and it's horse and you can just grab it and put gone like all right that thing's never coming back and then you forget about it right and there you are six months later getting out of the shower and you're like what the what the hell you're it's back oh my god it's back it's like it's like those

horror movie characters like uh you know jason vorhees and freddie kruger and michael mire You know, you kill them, they're dead, you think they're gone, and then boo, they're back. Isn't that the same with the mystery hair? It's always long and weird, and then I have one rate up my nose. Yeah, I know, you don't want to hear about this. Too bad. You've got them, too. At least I'm honest about my mystery hair. Right up in the, not in the nostril at the front of my nose, like the tip of my nose.

my nose but right back in the back of my nostril where the nostril tapers and that little piece of skin in between your nostrils meets the outside rim of your nostril and right in that little taper not up deep don't picture me digging for gold that's what's weird about this hair it's like right right near the edge of the opening of my nostril I get this big long white nose hair. I know. You're probably turning off right now. Again, I'm being honest. What are you hiding? Where's your mystery hair, pelvis area, huh? Maybe you got a mystery hair on the old panda eye, huh? On your, on your little uranus? Yeah. Where's yours? Um, I knew a girl once who had some right on the bridge of her big toe.

You know that first knuckle of the big toe? Like immaculate legs, beautiful, beautiful legs. And then right there on the knuckle of the toe hair, mystery hair. But anyways, it's not about her. It's about me. So I got one on my shoulder and one on my nose. and maybe like one on my forearm somewhere. But they're gross, they're disgusting, I hate them,

and I want to know where yours are. Yeah, I opened up, okay? It's your turn. And I'm seriously, this is serious. I want to see who has the courage, men and women. I want you to call in. This is going to be good. You don't even have to say your name if you don't want.

And don't make it up. But this has to be real. This is going to be good. I want to hear where your mystery hair is and how big it is. 888, 529. Yes, we all have one. 888-52090. I want to hear about your mystery hair.

Call me. And play your sack guitar. And play your sack again. guitar don't you remember you told me you love me baby yeah play that sad guitar because that's how it sounds when you play it just sad nice try hendricks come on how many you people have done this i think we all have haven't we i'm gonna take guitar lessons man oh man i'm buying a guitar man i'm gonna learn to play I'm gonna learn to pick. Oh, yeah, look at my new guitar, man.

I'm just getting the hang of it, man. Listen to this. I can play the first three notes of stairway to heaven. Whoops. Is that the best you can do? I mean, it's kind of a tragedy. We all give it a shot, don't we? one point we dream of being a rock star we all want to be uh eddie van halen and we all go get a guitar

lesson going and we all buy a guitar and after about four weeks that guitar sits in a corner growing old covered in dust spiders living inside of it it just sits there and looks at you with that's big eye and remind you of what a washout you are. And you probably should be playing a sad song to yourself for ever trying. I know, it sounds negative, it sounds, but listen to yourself. Listen, it sounds like you can get nubs for fingers. Listen to that. That's horrible.

That's you. Listen. Listen to all the... What is that? You see? So just chop your guitar up, make a nice fire, roast some marshmallows here on the Harland Highway. Hey, Harlan, this is Jared from Greeley, Colorado. I just want to call and say, I love your show.

I've just started listening to it about a month ago, and I've been listening to a lot of your back episodes and really, really enjoying them. My wife actually was, April was the one who called about having you say a vagina more often, which she found incredibly funny, so just want to thank you for that. Just had a couple ideas, maybe for some bits. I was thinking about Senior Fuentes, and maybe you could have him expand his duties for you, do some general household stuff, maybe install some new locks in your place,

and notice that your gorn knob's a little dirty, so you could have him say he polished your knob for you. So just some ideas. Anyway, love your show. You're hilarious. Keep it up, buddy. Thanks. Bye.

You know, it's funny you should mention having Senor Fuentes go into the house because actually, just the other day, I talked to him about maybe going in, and doing some work around. Oh, what? Oh, no.

No. What is he doing here, Roger? What? Why did you let him in? I was just talking about the idiot. Why isn't he at my house? He's supposed to be doing work. God!

Hello, senor. My name is Senor Fuentes. Yeah, I know who you are. I was just talking about you. And guess what I was saying? I don't know, Senor. I'm not a mind reader. I know you're not a mind reader, but you know what I was saying?

I just told you I don't know, senor. I was talking about how you were at my house doing some work. Yes, I was, signor, but now I'm here. Do you not know the difference? Yes, I know the difference. What I'm getting at is you're not supposed to be here. What are you doing here, Fuentes? That's Senor Fuente.

I know. I came to tell you, Signor, that I was in your. your house, and I was cleaning your drapes. Okay, and? Well, I pulled your drapes open. Okay, I grabbed one on each side, and I slowly, ever so slowly, pulled your drapes open, Signore. Okay, do you have to say it like that?

What, senor? I slowly pulled your drapes. I separated your drapes. They were all dusty and dirty. As if no one had ever pulled your dirty drapes open for centuries. Stop talking about my dirty drapes being pulled open. Why, senor? It just sounds a little odd.

Well, I spread the dirty drapes. I stretched them out, senor. It looked like they needed a good stretching and a good flapping. I flapped your dirty drapes back and forth, all the dust flying up those dirty, smelly drapes of yours, senor. Stop talking about flapping my dirty drapes. I don't know why you're so upset, senor. I don't know.

It just sounds a little provocative. It almost sounds sexual the way you'd say it. Well, I don't know how you having your drape spread open could be sexual, senor. All right, what happened? Hurry up. Well, they were so dirty and dusty that I had to spread your drapes out on your bed, senor. Oh, God. sprayed them out on your bed, and I stood over your drapes, and I sprayed all over them,

Signor. What are you talking about? Drape cleaner, senor. I squirted all over your spread open drapes, and stop it! Hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex? No? Yes? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what, you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy,

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That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping, Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Wow, you're touchy, senor. I've never seen a grown man so touchy about drapes.

Are you gay? No, I'm not gay. Cut it out. Why are you so touchy about window dressing, senor? I'm not... Get out of here. I don't need to hear about this anymore. Well, I have to go home and turn your drapes over

and spread them from behind. Sign, signor. Stop saying spreading my drapes, and I've certainly got to spray all over the backside of your spread drapes. Get out of here! Would you like me to wax your shutters while I'm down there and get out! Hey, this is Harlan Williams. You're riding along on the Harlan Highway. I hope you're having a delicious, groovy, snap-happy time. I know I am, and here's something stupid that I'm about to say. call me stupid because it is stupid. I think garbage is horny. What? Here's my theory.

Hear me out, people. You ever notice your garbage can? You empty it out, right? It's nice and clean. Your little garbage can in your office or in your kitchen. And it's this deep, deep, empty garbage can, ready to be filled up again. And you think, oh, maybe in two weeks or a week, I'll wrap it all up and throw it out again. and you throw a couple little items in there later that day.

I think they're in there mating. I think garbage gets horny and the garbage mates. Picture an old Pepsi cup getting it on with an old microwave popcorn bag. Just in there having hot, steamy, soft drink popcorn sacks. Because isn't it always the way somehow your garbage, cans just seem to fill quicker than you remember putting things in them you walk into your office and you're like oh wait a minute how my garbage can get full to the top again i got no more room for garbage how did it have you guys been mating in there has there been a garbage orgy where

do all the babies come from it's like the garbage multiplies it's an unexplainable mystery It's like you want to bring that Robert Stack guy back from the grave, you know? A garbage can all by itself just sitting alone with two pieces of garbage. And then suddenly four hours later, the garbage can was topped off with a whole garbage can full of garbage. If you or anyone you know had seen the garbage mating, please call us at unexplained mysteries yeah it's it's weird behind our backs garbage is getting it on

and what's weird is a lot of us put a plastic garbage bag in our garbage cans which should serve as a giant you know plastic condom and still the garbage is getting it on so no matter what you do the garbage is going to multiply And I've been spewing enough verbal garbage. I'm going to go take out my garbage here on the Harland Highway. Or how about your vehicles?

How many of you notice that garbage slowly accumulates in your vehicle? Isn't it the worst? It's like it starts with like a, if you go to a drive-through, you know, they put the little cover over the straw, the little white straw paper cover, because, God forbid, you don't want your straw exposed to the elements. So first you see, like, a couple of those on the ground, and then there's, like, a napkin from Chipotle or Baskin-Robbins or Burger King.

And then there's, like, some old MapQuests, right? We had some MapQuest papers, and those are scrumpled up, and then there's somebody's address you scribbled down, and then there's a wrapper from this, a wrapper from that. there's a receipt from a something or other. There's an old paper bag. There's a shoelace. I mean, it just keeps piling up.

And then the cup holders. Oh, God, the cup holders. Anybody here who doesn't have a greasy cup holder raise their hand. Yeah, I didn't think so. The cup holders are the worst because, you know, they start off clean when you first buy a car. And then inevitably, you know, you've got a, a glass of a Coke or a coffee or a lemonade or whatever.

Something dribbles down into the base of the coffee cup holder. And suddenly you've got like a Athabasca tar sands there. You know, you're waiting for saber-toothed tagers to step into it and get trapped and drown. And it gets really gnarly and disgusting. And then eventually you like get some pennies from a drive-thru. or something, you throw the pennies in the bottom of the cup holder. After about three days, they're permanently affixed to the tree sap or coke syrup you've got in the bottom of your cup holder.

And then before you know it, it's turning into like a blob from that old horror movie, right? The blob! Ah! It's in your car. This big coffee cup holder blob is formed with pennies and dust and toothpicks and the lids of pens. and the lids of pens and... Steve, Doc Hallan's been killed. Doc Allen, what happened?

It's over at his place. You've got to come now. Oh, wait a minute, Steve. Tell us what happened. Well, I'm trying to tell you. Now, this thing had killed the doc. What was it? Well, it's kind of like a mess.

It's kind of like a mess. Oh, yeah, garbage. It just keeps building up. God love it. So there you go. Get in your car. Get in there. Clean it up.

Clean up your house. And definitely stop the giant blob from growing in your coffee cup holder. There's no stopping the blob as it spreads from town to town. It's indestructible. It's indescribable. Nothing can stop it. This town is in danger. How can it be stopped? Mob hysteria sweeps one city before long the nation, and then the world could fall before the blood-curdling threat of the Bob. All right, all right, enough. I'm overselling it now. I don't want to start, you know, I don't want to do the War of the World's thing. Remember Orson Wells,

Back in the day, he started this pandemonium. He did this War of the World's radio play. I don't know if any of you youngsters I've ever heard about that, but there was a point in history when radio was the only medium available. This was before television and people would sit by their radios. Families would gather around their radios, and they would listen to produced shows. and Orson Wells

produced a show called The War of the Worlds where it was a mock radio play about aliens landing on Earth and taking over. And back in the day, I guess they didn't really realize the power of the radio.

And people took this whole Martian attack very seriously because it was produced very well with sound effects and people screaming and noises. And it caused a panic. It caused a panic across the country. And apparently some people were so terrified

that they took their own lives. People jumped off buildings. People were running for cover. It was madness. It was mayhem. And I certainly don't want to start that just because you didn't have the class to clean out your coffee cup holder.

Ah! So let's just get off the topic and move on, let's lighten it up, stop thinking about the blob, and let's get back to a big, gooey blob of comedy, shall we? Hey, hey, hey, Harlan Williams rolling with you on the Harlan Highway, getting your home nice and safe to your friends and your families and your pets. Oh, your little pets. How many suffer from pet jealousy? Yeah, you know what I'm talking about.

Honk, if you love Jesus, you know what I'm talking about. You go over to your girlfriend's house, and you're getting ready for a nice romantic evening and a little hello. And you get over there, and she says hi, and she hugs and she kisses him, and then she goes and plays with her dog. Look at my dog. Look at what he can do. He can roll over on his belly.

He can shake hands. Look at him. Just look at him. And you're like, yeah, whatever, he's a furry animal. Let's make out now. So you make out for a little bit. She's like, oh, look at him. Look at him watching us making out.

And you're like, yeah, I noticed. Why don't you just pour a bowl of ice cubes down my pants? Okay? Your dog's staring at me is really killing the mood. Let's play with him for a while. And you're just like, oh, get rid of the animal. so my animal can come out. You know?

Or what about you have your own pet, you know, and you invite your girlfriend or your boyfriend over, and they come to the door really hot, wearing some nice, sexy clothes, and they come in the house, and you're waiting for them to jump on you, and they go right for your St. Bernard. Oh, hey, baby,

and you're like, hey, baby. And they're like, not you. Chinksels. I want to play with chinksels. Oh, cutie pie. Let me rub your belly. You're just standing there, getting jealous and burning. Oh, man, how much do they charge at the Humane Society to put these things to sleep?

She's like, what did you say? I said, you want to go in the bedroom and sleep? And then the next thing. time she comes over your pet is gone yeah pet jealousy oh yeah it's true and I'll tell you what worse than girls who like dogs girls who love horses

oh my god you have you ever date guys have you ever dated a girl with a horse forget it uh really you don't exist you're just there in the background as a, you know, whatever. It's all about the horse. Every girl I've ever met who had a horse,

that's all they think about, that's all they talk about. Their car smells like hay. You know, every little facial expression, every little movement the horse makes, that's all you're going to hear about. When it comes to the weekend, hey, baby, you want to go catch a movie? I wish I could if I didn't have to be at the stable brushing the horse.

Oh, right, right. Well, what about tomorrow? Why don't we go catch? Ah, excuse me, I'm running the horse. Got it, got it. Well, how about late afternoon? Uh, excuse me, I'm milking the horse. Uh, isn't that what you do to cows?

Yes, but my horse can do anything. It's a super horse. Okay. I'll be at the asylum if you need me. Do they have riding there? Yeah. Really, uh, I love horses and I love women. But you put the two together guys and forget it.

You might as well be going out with yourself. They are just bonkers about their horses. Yikes. Oh, so there you go. If you want to disagree with me, ladies, me. I think I'm right on this one. You can call me 888-520-90. If you're a horse owner, a horse lover, to phone me and tell me I'm wrong, because you know I'm not. And if there's any dudes out there that have women that have a horse, back me up, guys. You can send me an email at harlomwilliams.com or call me

888 52090 And You know I'm just trying to tip you guys off Tip the guys off Don't go with the horse girls You know

I think that's a good way to end the show With a helpful hint A helpful tip tip That's what I'm going to do I'm going to leave you with a general tip All of you, not just for man Not just for women but for everybody Let's close out the show with a wonderful tip.

Hi, you're listening to Harland Williams here on the Harland Highway. Getting tired of where you live. Are you feeling restless and think it's time for a move, but you really can't afford to get up and go? Try doing this. Go to Walmart and buy a $7 sleeping bag. And then when you get home, instead of going into your main house

go into the garage shut the door and sleep beside oil cans and rakes and shovels and spiders and dust and gas fumes for two weeks straight

you'll feel like you're in a completely new environment that you've moved and the adventurer that lives inside you is alive and thriving Just another friendly tip on the Harland Highway There, see, wasn't that a nice way to end the show

With a little helpful tip to spice up your life Oh, I hope some of you do it I hope you get out into your garage So there you go, that's the end of the show Great to have you here Don't forget you can call me at 888-52090 Leave messages You could write me at harlomewilums.com.

And don't forget, coming up in June, just, you know, a few days from now, June 9, 10, and 11. Yours truly will be doing stand-up comedy live in Las Vegas, Nevada at the Palms Casino. If you happen to be in Vegas, that's where I'll be. I hope you can make it out. and catch a live comedy routine. And as for now, that's it. That's all I've got. All I can do is say a prayer for each and every one of you.

You really need it. Because the blob is coming to your town right out of your coffee cup holder. That's it. That's all I got. So until next time, a big blobby bowl. of chicken chow-me-baby this town is in danger