The Harland Highway - PODCAST 277

Episode Date: June 3, 2011

Spring allergies, my new hero, crazy sex story, Dr. Ascot, the nutty thing about squirrels. Scooooooorrrrrrccch!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hello, good evening, and welcome to my haunted mansion. What the hell am I talking about? Welcome, everybody, to the Harland Highway. What a show we have today. As you know, allergy season is here, so Dr. Karen is coming in to talk about allergy solutions. And I'm going to be sharing one of my allergy remedies with you today. So hopefully that works in your favor. We're going to be discussing squirrels.

I just sounded like a squirrel there. Squirrels and the problems that squirrels create. Yeah, and I think you can relate once you hear what I have to say about it. And speaking of problems, I have to sit in with Dr. Ascot today. Not excited about that. I also met another hero a few weeks ago I told you about a new type of hero that I found Well, I found another one

I'm excited to tell you about that And then lastly, oh my God, this is something I never do I probably shouldn't do But I'm going to share one of my sex capades with you I don't ever talk about my intimate sex life But I'm going to share one of my most wildest sexual experiences with you here today. So put

your rubber jackets on. You're on the Harlan Highway. Welcome to the Harland Highway. You fellas been doing a bit of booze and have you? Sucking back on Grandpa's old cough medicine. There's an element of uncontrolled chaos. The Harland

Highway. Serving everyone from presidents and kings to the scum of the earth. What a treat. Oh wait. Was you a great big fat person? You just made a Wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. You need many years of therapy.

Hey, Harlan. It's Stephanie from Bedford. Just do me. You might want to think twice before sticking your penis in there. Just do me. You're riding down the Harland Highway with Harlan Williams. Hey, this is Harlan Williams here on the Harlan Highway. And spring is in the air, people.

You know what that means, allergies, allergies, allergies, those irritating allergies. It looks like we have Dr. Karen here as a guest with us today to kind of walk us through what you can do to lessen the impact of allergies. Hello, Dr. Karen. Hello, Harland. It's really great to be here. So what advice can you give us to help us through the suffering that allergies cause? Well, Harlan, as you know, pollen's getting. in the air and get in our eyes.

They cause severe itching and rubbing and redness. Yeah, I know. I've experienced that. What can I do to alleviate this annoying symptom? Well, Harland, what I suggest is you cut a large grapefruit in half. Put some sweet sugar on it and grind the two halves right in your eyes. What are you talking about? Well, the way I see it is, would you rather have itchy eyes or itchy burning eyes. A nice

grapefruit with citrus juice the acidic citrus juice stinging your eyes may alleviate the itchiness. You'll forget about itching and concentrate on that deep, deep burning. Okay, that's just ridiculous.

I'm not even going to acknowledge that. What about running noses? What do you do when you get that runny, itchy nose that starts to happen? Well, Harland, would I suggest you do is hold an empty beer can under your nose. What are you talking

about? You hold an empty beer can under your nose. Let all those runnings trickle down into an old beer can. And then place the beer can in a fridge and let it cool. Later, you have a nice, cool beverage you

can enjoy at your own leisure. Oh, come on. This is sick. I'm just giving you a practical... Yeah, I'm going to drink all the runoff from my allergy nose. Right. Exactly. It's a wonderful solution, and you don't have to waste the mucus. Okay, get out of here, Karen. I'm not finished. I've got more incredible tips to help ease you through this allergy season.

No, you got one tip. Out my door. I've got a grapefruit knife. Get out of here. I've got an empty beer can. Out! Good luck through allergy season, people here. On the Harland Highway. I've got a six-pack. Oh, yes, those allergies can be debilitating, I believe, is the word. How many of you get them? How many of you people just get those itchy, runny eyes?

And the pollen just drives you nuts. And here's what happens. This is where it gets crazy if you touch your eyes. If you start rubbing them, they're a little bit itchy, and you're like, oh, I'll just give them a little rub, right? But then somehow it feels so good you keep rubbing and rubbing and itching and you know you're going to get swollen eyes and they're going to get red and they're going to get puffed shut. But you just keep grinding because it alleviates the itch in the moment. But then the minute you pull your hand away, you look like you've been at a funeral for a friend and you've been crying or you're going through a divorce.

and people are like, What the hell? Are you okay? Did somebody die? No, just There's some daisies growing in my backyard and I was cutting the grass. Oh, loser. Now, here's a little home remedy.

Do you want a Martha Stewart moment for me? I'm going to lay this on you. It worked for me. It could work for you. And it's stupid. It's weird. Did it by accident, but it really, really, really worked, okay? And believe me, I'm telling you this because I suffered through some horrible itchy eye allergies for years.

And I found a little remedy that somehow mysteriously, I don't know the answers to it, so don't ask me, but it worked. And here's what it is. I was with an old girlfriend at the time. We were living together, and she had. some of that nivia water okay you ever hear of nivia water and it's a in a spray can okay it's uh it's in a you spray it on your skin to moisturize or whatever and I guess it's nivia water in a spray can and it comes out as a mist and it was peak allergy season and I was desperate and it was hot out and I remember it was just uncomfortable and humid

and it was just awful. And I thought, oh, in order to cool my skin down, I'm going to spray the nivia spray on my face, right? I was just hanging around the apartment, being miserable. So I grab her nivia water off the bathroom counter, and I'm like, I'm like, oh, that feels nice on my face. It cooled me down, the mist, the watery mist. And then all of a sudden, I went, wait a minute.

My eyes aren't stinging. What's going on here? Like, whoa. And what happened, I accidentally, somehow with this spray mist nivou water on my eyes, it alleviated the itchy sensation. And I'll be honest, it only lasted for like maybe 15, 20 minutes. But I went back and sprayed my eyes again. I misted them with nivia water.

So there it is. That's my big recipe. That's my Martha Stewart Home Remedy moment. I know it sounds kooky. It worked for me and it still works for me. So I don't know if there's some kind of mineral or enzyme or whatever in Nivia spray water. And I ain't a doctor and I don't know if it's a solution that works. works for anyone but me, but try it.

I mean, there's nothing worse than those itchy allergy eyes. So that's my recommendation. I'm trying to help. And you know what? If it doesn't work, spray it in your mouth and have a drink. Believe me, it beats a big can of chilled mucus. I hope your power doesn't go out. A power outage of sorts.

Did you know this, that apparently, like, a giant percentage of all the power outages are not caused by a shutdown at the power plant? No, it turns out squirrels are the major contributors to blackouts. Apparently, those nut-eating idiots like to climb up on the poles and nibble on transformers or something. I mean, basically, they're sentencing themselves to death row. You know, going up to the electric chair. I mean, don't these idiots know how to differentiate

between an acorn and a metal transformer box? Boy, look at that big chunk of metal. I think I'll take a bite out of that. Fried squirrel, baby. Stand under the power poles with a plate and some barbecue sauce. Barbecued squirrels are dropping from the heavens. Furry little freaks. Stay in the trees, man.

At what point did a humming wire feel anything like a tree branch? Dumbass? Take your buck teeth and your beady little eyes and your spasming little tail and go chew down a tree. Get the hell off my hydro wire, my power line. Evil squirrels take it over the world, man. Watch your nuts, people. Here, on the Harlan Highway. And speaking of freaks and hot nuts and things like that,

oh, I'm going to do something that's against my better judgment, okay? You know, I try not to get too graphic on this show, but, you know, I don't share my intimate secrets, my intimate moments with you listeners. A, I don't know that you'd want to hear them, and B, why would I tell you? I got to tell you, something happened the other day that was so mind-bending, so erotic, such a turn-on that I'm going to share it with you. Okay? So let me set the scenario. I am sitting in my bedroom, and all of a sudden, this...

We interrupt our program to bring you this important message. Hi, this is Harlan Williams, asking for your vote to become the next president of the United States of America. Hi, folks, I'm Harlan Williams, a Canadian with American citizenship, and I'm looking to be the first Canadian president of the United States of America. I promised to put a bag of wieners under everybody's pillow at night. to stuff a chihuahua in every senior's diaper. And as far as the environment goes, smoking will be mandatory starting in kindergarten, non-filtered cigarettes. I'm Harlan Williams, and I approve this message.

Harlan Williams for president. Let's boil some ass. Now, back to our show. And she stood at the door, did up her trench coat, looked back at me. And in the sexiest voice you've ever heard, she goes, let's do this again sometime. Okay, so I had to tell you about it. I know you probably, you might not even believe it, but it was great.

So I hope you like that story. I don't usually get into that stuff. It's private. But wow, wow, wow. This is Ernie, and I just listened to the episode where someone left you a voicemail that said you sucked. And I just wanted to differ with that. I think you do the opposite of sucks. You blow.

Anyway, I love the podcast. I love and appreciate what you do. Take care, man. Bye. Oh, yes. It happened. It happened again. My new heroes, okay? I talked about this a few weeks ago. It was an event that happened at an airport where someone was talking loudly on their cell phone and some guy walked up to a lady and told her to shut her piehole. and it was magic. The guy was my hero. Well, it happened again, ladies and gentlemen.

So start cluing in people. I'm at an airport again, and this time we're all sitting in the terminal. We're sitting at our gate. We're all packed in the chairs, waiting for the announcement to board. And, you know, people are in that comatose state where maybe they're sleeping or they're eating a donut

or they're reading the paper. They're just laying there with their legs stretched out. their arms crossed over their chest. We're all sitting there quietly, and some young girl sits down in a little summer dress. She must have been all of 24. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No?

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Have fun. Don't throw your book. back out and everything's peaceful everyone's just kind of in their own zone and she sits down and starts dialing the phone and starts talking and it's like hello hi mom yeah i just called to say hi i'm at the airport yeah i'm at the terminal i'm at the gate yeah yeah at a really great weekend yeah well what we're gonna do is we're all gonna get together we're gonna do a thing in jiggie and then yeah it was wonderful and so this girl starts going on and on i'm talking about a 10 minute phone call and finally it's like okay i love you mom talk to you soon bye and nothing crucial

was said in the conversation and believe me i know because we all heard it okay there's no uh There was no life-ending drama. There was no important message. It was just general jib-jab. She was talking about the weather, basically, and we had to suffer through it, right? So she puts it down, and there's kind of a sense of, okay, the calm and the quiet is coming back.

During this whole procedure, people were kind of making eyes at each other. Like, is this really happening? Is this person? okay so about five minutes goes by and we're all just sitting there and all of a sudden this girl starts into the phone again and she starts dialing and she puts it to her ear and I guess she's waiting for someone to pick up on the other side of the line and the guy beside me this older guy must have been about maybe mid-50s late 50s 60 big belly on him and all of a sudden he just chimes and he's sitting right across from her and about two

seats down from he's like excuse me miss miss please tell me you're not going to do another phone call please do not tell me you're going to do another phone call i don't think i can handle of it none of us can handle it you're making us sick and she just looked up like her jaw dropped her eyes bugged out she was literally speechless and she clearly had no idea what an annoyance she was to everyone around her and she just kind of froze like a deer in the headlight and this guy had a tone in his voice like don't even try it so she just didn't know what to do in about after about 30 seconds

of just being totally uncomfortable she just kind of brought the phone down and casually started texting and play the music play play play it This guy, get the music on. Another hero, another cell phone hero. Please, folks, don't be a cell phone loudmouth. Remember there's other people in the planet, in the vicinity. And I don't know.

Let me know if you bump into any heroes, cell phone heroes. 888, 52090. And thank God. for heroes Oh, and y'n and yang, uh, as everything is, uh, you know, for every action, there's an equal and opposite reaction, it's the second Friday of the month, and guess who I got to sit in with yeah dr dildo ascot i have to do my on-air therapy because the powers to be think i'm out of control think i'm a liability and so here we go with my bi-weekly on-air therapy session with dr ascot

Hello, Dr. Ascot. Hello, Arland. God, I'm never going to get used to your voice. Oh, I'm not. Holland. What are we doing, Ascot? Well, Arland, I heard you talking about Heroes, Arland. Yeah, okay.

I think that's a very positive step in the right direction. Arland. Okay. Heroes help define us, Arland. Heroes give us someone to aspire to be, Holland. In other words, they create positive energy,

Holland. Okay. Why are you dropping my name low and deep? Holland. God, what about heroes? Ohland, do you have any heroes in your life, Arland? Uh, I guess.

Please tell me about them, Holland. Uh, I don't know, my grandfather was the hero of mine, I guess. Was that, Arland? I don't know, he was just one of those hardworking guys who went to work every day and didn't complain and realize that, you know, you make your own way in life, and the only person you have to blame for your failures is yourself? Excellent, Arland. That is excellent positive reinforcement. Well, thank you. Yeah, he was a good man. And did he have a mustache, Holland?

Yeah, as a matter of fact, he did. Excellent, Arland. And did he ever go tinkle in the living room on the carpet, Arland? Excuse me? Well, you said he was your grandfather, Holland. Yes, he was my grandfather. Why would he go tinkle in the living room on the carpet, Ascot? Holland, old people do things that aren't rational.

I thought we were talking about me looking up to people. I'd bring up my grandfather, and now you're painting this picture that he's insane. Holland, did he ever lick the walls and eat paint chips? No! Orland, take it easy. Well, what, don't vilify my grandfather. I admired him. Of course you did, Arland. And what's not to admire about a man who runs around in circles in the street with an umbrella on a sunny day?

Who are you talking about? Your crazy bat-haired grandfather, Arland. Okay, look, I don't care what you do with me. me in here. I don't care what you say. I know I have to do this, but do not try to paint a picture that my grandfather, who was a

hero to me, by the way, which you brought out of me as a nutty, batty old man. Holland, did he hang upside down at night and put marshmallows on his eyes? No, he didn't. Change the topic.

Forget your whole hero thing. Holland, don't crushed the memory of your grandfather because you're having a hissy fit, Arland. I'm not having a hissie fit. You got me all excited about kind of finding the positive energy in someone I idolize, my grandfather, and then you just strip it down and knock it down. Alan, I'm just trying to help you understand.

Understand what? You must be careful, your hero. Allent. Okay. You don't want to end up laying naked on the roof covered in cucumber slices like your nutbag grandfather,

Arland. All right, that's enough. Get the hell out of here. Holland, that's negative energy. I certainly hope you didn't adopt any of your nutbag grandfather's genes. You know,

No what, Ascot. I'm not listening to you. My grandfather was a good man. I loved him. And he probably does have his jeans and me. And that's probably what made me the man I am today. So you're a batty and not bag yourself all. Maybe that's why I have to see you every other week.

Get out of here. Would you like to pour some gravy on your head and jump up and down on one leg? Holland. Get out! Holland, did you ever know that you're my hero? Out! How about some marshmallows for your eyes, Arland?

Get out! This is Harlan Williams. Alright. Hi, you know, buddy, okay? Good to have you. What's your name, fellow? Croy. Croy.

All right, what's your real name? That's a cool name. What does Croix mean, buddy? It's after the island, St. Croix. You have a brother named Cayman. And is your sister, Bermuda, here with us today? Because we all want to get to the Bermuda Triangle, that one. Highland Williams.

Okay, enough of that. Enough of that nonsense. Look, I got a little bit of a guilt thing going on here today. You know, earlier in the show, I did a thing about squirrels getting electrocuted. And it's been sitting in my mind. I've got to be honest. I hate to tell you this. I hit a squirrel the other day.

in my car and part of it's my fault yes of course I was driving but part of it has got to be on the squirrel okay it's early morning I'm down in Florida I'm visiting

I have to get to the airport so I have an early flight so I'm up at like 6.30 in the morning it's like quarter to seven and I'm driving on a remote piece of road in Florida. There's next to zero traffic, sunshining. There's still a little bit of mist wafting through the trees. And I come over a ridge and there's a big chunk of flat road

and I'm driving along and all of a sudden a squirrel runs out. Like quite a ways in front of me. And he sits on the thing and I'm like, uh-oh, you know, I start getting tag. So I'm like, oh, my God, squirrel. And he starts running back and forth the way they do. You know, they're so indecisive. It's like, do I go left? Do I go right?

Do I want to go to that side of the road? Do I got more nuts on this side? No, I got more nuts on that side. But my family's on this side, but my uncle Larry's on that side. The bowling team's on their left side. You know, it's like, come on, dude. Make it, make a decision. Quit waffling.

You're the most indecisive creature I've ever seen. seen squirrel right so finally as i'm getting closer i'm like uh-oh i'm getting ready to you know slow down or turn or whatever and all of a sudden he makes a decision all right he's sitting there with his little buck teeth and his little beady eyes and his tails like jerking back and forth and he goes to the right all right he makes a definite dash for the right and i'm like okay good Thank you. Gone. So here I come, booting along.

He's at the very edge of the road. Just about to go on to the gravel part, and beyond the gravel is an endless forest. Okay, squirrel? He's made his decision. He goes to the edge of the asphalt. And just as I'm driving by, he goes, no, you know what?

My bowling league's on the other side. I'm going to go that way. Ah! the idiot ran right back into me and it was sadly it wasn't one of those splat things it was like I don't know if I clipped them or I you know I don't know how it worked but I looked and I went oh no oh my God hopefully he ran through the tires I looked at the rearview mirror

and he wasn't squished but he did like a spasm he was flapping and boom I'm just dead. Like, he flatlined. And I almost picture those squirrels having those long, prolonged deaths you used to see in the old movies where, you know, you think of guy's dad, he's like, oh, you shot me.

I'm gone. Goodbye, everybody. And everyone starts, oh, no, he's dead. And then all of a sudden, the guy comes back to life and tell my girl, Sandy, that I love her. Oh, he's dead. Oh, my God. And another thing.

Let me tell. The treasures hidden under the palm tree. Oh, my God. He's dead. The treasures under the palm tree. And by the way, I picked the Yankees to win the... Shut up and die. But I figure...

I picture the squirrel doing that, too, because they're so indecisive at crossing a road. Maybe they don't even know how to die. Can you imagine a squirrel? in a relationship, yeah, I want to get married. Well, not really. I'd like to move in, but maybe we should live in separate trees for a while. And I really want to go out with you, but maybe I shouldn't because I'm just going to run

across the road right now. But I'll be back in a second. If you just stand right here, I'm sure to be back. Look, I'm back already. I mean, I've got to go again. It's like, good Lord. So I want to say sorry to the. squirrel for killing you first of all it made me sad and in my head i'm like jesus if i wasn't here

if i didn't have to be at the airport if i wasn't rushing to fly somewhere that squirrel would still be alive and i started thinking does he has a does he have a family is he gathering food for the kids is he but no because i had to get on a delta jet and fly somewhere he's dead But like I said, maybe the blame's not on all of me. Can you not just run across the road? You know? It's like when we leave our house to go to the drive-thru, it's like you don't drive to the end of your driveway,

turn around, go back, drive back out, go halfway down your street, go back to your house, and, you know, it's like 19 trips to get to the drive-thru. You just go, A to B. And I know a lot of squirrels listen to the show. So squirrels, here's my advice, just cross the damn road. And if you're not crossing the highway, at least be listening to the highway. That's right.

The Harland Highway. Well, that's all I got for today. I'm sorry we had to end on a sad note like that. not, you know, not nice when we kill things, when we run over things, but what are we going to do? When they run into us, is it our fault? Well, let's, to get some levity to bring some laughter back to the equation,

don't forget, you can see me in Las Vegas, June 9th, 10th, and 11th. uh i will be at the palms casino doing my thing my stand-up thing uh and then later in the month june 23rd to 25th you can catch me at the improv in san jose california a great club up there and i hope we see up there or in Vegas and that's it don't forget you can pick us up on Stitcher. You can download an app for your cell phone. And don't forget to visit harlowe Williams.com. Check out the store.

Buy some funny gifts for you and your friends. And that's all I got. I got to go out and bury me a squirrel. So until next time, make a decision when you go to the restaurant. Be sure to buy a great big bowl of chicken chau main. Baby! Fried squirrel, baby!