The Harland Highway - PODCAST 278

Episode Date: June 6, 2011

Naughty sex story, showering, long winded story tellers, garage doors, artistic purity, helpful tip. Bing bang BOOM baby!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Lord Tundran Jesus, bye. Lord Tundran Jesus, she said, bye. Yeah, that's right. You are on the Lord Tundren Jesus Harland Highway podcast. Welcome aboard sailors, semen, and fish faces. Hey, what a show we have today.

We're going to be talking about garage doors. Okay? Let's just start right there. Incredible. I'm going to talk about showers. In fact, yeah, it's going to get soggy in here. So just to be ready for that. We're going to get into long-winded storytellers.

Are you one of those people that just rambles on and on? We're going to pull that apart. We're going to get into the art of artistry, the purity of being an artist. We're going to touch on that today. I've got a helpful tip for you today. One of my famous helpful tip. to help you get through life.

And we are going to talk about, well, okay, let me just say it. Another one of my sex capades. A very graphic in detail, incredible sexual event that happened between me and a beautiful stranger. I'll leave it right there. You don't want to miss it. Oh, getting excited. But why not? I'm here on the Harlan Highway

Welcome to the Harland Highway You fellas been doing a bit of booze and have you Sucking back on Grandpa's old cough medicine There's an element of uncontrolled chaos The Harland Highway Serving everyone from presidents and kings To the scum of the earth What a treat

Oh wait Was you a great big fat person You just made a wrong turn On to the Harland Highway You need many years of therapy Hey, Harlan, it's Stephanie from Bedford. Just do me. You might want to think twice before seeking your penis in there. Just do me.

You're riding down the Harland Highway with Harlan Williams. Hey, this is Harlan Williams, and you're on the Harland Highway, and I'm sorry, folks. I'm running a bit late today. You're just going to have to bear with me. I didn't have time to have a shower here, so I'm just... I'm going to do it here in the office. We have a little thing set up, a little showerhead. So I'm just going to disrobe here.

Take the pants off and off with the shirt. Step into the shower here. And, yeah, we're getting ready. The show's about to begin. I just want to be nice and clean. Oh, yeah. There we go. Oh, yeah.

And I like to sing. in the shower so if you don't mind for a second here um i hope it's not a little echoey but uh i got to sing we are the champions my friend oh damn i dropped the soap and we'll keep on fighting till the end oh we are the champions Oh, I got shampoo in my eyes. Oh, God. I hate that. I'll be right back, folks. I'm just getting ready to start the show.

Nice and clean here on the Harland Highway. Hey, who's that? Get out of here, Rosa Louisa. I'm taking a shower. Yeah, I know you're my cleaning late. You don't come in here. You're the janitor. I'm nude.

Actually, yeah, I'm nude. Hello. Harland Williams Okay, you know what, screw it Screw it since we started off the show Kind of provocatively like that You know, yeah, you can go Rosa Louisa Yeah, thank you

You know, me just getting out of the show I'm just put my clothes back on when we talk here Just don't mind me I got to tell you about an encounter It wasn't with Rosa Louisa But this I usually don't get in into my sexual exploits.

It's really nobody's business, and it's kind of personal, and it's probably braggadocious, because what you're about to hear is pretty damn hot. Okay, most of you are going to wish, wow, I wish I was Holland, and I can do that. So check it out. This is extremely sexy, extremely naughty, and it was bizarre. Let me set up the scenario.

I'm in New York. uh doing some business stuff okay i'm at a fancy hotel a really nice hotel right downtown in manhattan and uh i was getting out of the shower okay i'm drying off i walk into the bedroom and the maids there making the bed i guess she didn't realize that i was in there and normally you know maids and hotels are a little frumpy and weird but this was kind of a hip high-end hotel and I guess part of their stick was they had gorgeous maids right so here I am this this maid catches me off guard she looks up she's pretty much like a fashion model okay beautiful wearing the little black maid outfit I kind of got startled I dropped my towel okay I'm standing

there completely exposed I'm expecting her to run out of the room, screaming. But no. Instead, she saunters around the bed, walks over to me, reaches down, and starts... We interrupt our program to bring you this important message. Hi, this is Harlan Williams, asking for your vote to become the next president. of the United States of America. Hi folks, I'm Harlan Williams, a Canadian with American citizenship,

and I'm looking to be the first Canadian president of the United States of America. If elected president, I vow to restart the Vietnam War immediately. All Dairy Queen employees will be required to work topless, and bacon sandwiches will be required eating at all the nation's school. I'm Harlan Williams, and I approve this message. Harlan Williams for President.

Let's go boil some ass. Now, back to our shore. Zips me up, puts a mint on my pillow, and walks out the door, looks back and says, in the most provocative voice you've ever heard, I hope you enjoy your stay with us, Mr. Williams. It's been our pleasure to serve you. Click out. Can you believe that story?

Like, that's the stuff you only hear in, like, dirty magazines. And maybe I should have shared it with you. I don't know. Maybe it's just stupid. Maybe it's... But I just couldn't believe it. It's every guy's fantasy. Maybe every girl's fantasy.

it is. I hope you enjoyed it. I got to try not to do that, but there you go. Well, I was witnessed to it. I'm sure you've witnessed it too. I'm not kidding. The other day, I was driving. Traffic got backed up, and some lady was pulling out of her condo. And because there was a line of traffic on her street, she had to sit in the garage entrance. Well, she was there for a about a minute and we're just all sitting there waiting for something to happen waiting for traffic to move and all of a sudden like the jaws of a great white shark like being swallowed up by that whale and pinocchio her electric garage door just getting crunching down right on the hood of her BMW now I know it's mean to laugh but it looks funny man it reminded me of that movie the

Transformers with these giant robots. I just pictured one of them picking up a beamer and starting to eat it like a submarine sandwich. Delicious. Mmm, tasty airbags. And this lady, God bless her, probably not the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree, instead of just patiently getting out of her car and walking over to the button on the wall and pressing open. She decided to slam it in reverse and back out of the jaws of the monster, unaware that the garage door wasn't going anywhere.

So now not only did she have a garage door chomping down on her front end, but when she slammed it in reverse, she pretty much ripped the crack out of the hood of her car. Kunk, kunk, kong, kong, kong, kong. Yeah, she just dented it and stripped it. She, like, disappeared into the dark hallows of her underground garage. It really did look like that giant whale from Pinocchio, swallowing up a beamer with an irate woman behind the wheel.

Listen to me laughing. Oh, why do we always laugh at tragedy? Oh, well. Just watch your cars, people. Stay away from the world's largest animals. Garage door opening. Oh, man, it was funny. What kind of relationship do you have with your garage door?

They can be tricky characters. They can be temperamental. They can have attitude. They've got personality, man. It's an interesting piece of hardware that we have to deal with in our lives, isn't it? I mean, at what point in your life? life, you know, at any part of your day or your year or your existence, do you traditionally walk up to a 19 foot by, you know, 14 foot slab of metal, grab it in your hands and lift it up

and pull it? At what point in your day are you kind of confronted with manipulating? a giant slab of sheet metal. That's like, you know, the width of a trailer. It's such an odd piece of our existence that we kind of take for granted that we have to deal with. And they're kind of clunky, unless you have an electric garage door opener, right?

They're kind of, they're on these little metal tracks and rollers and, you know, they're kind of interesting. When you lift them up, initially it's kind of hard to pull them open and then you get them up to about the three-quarter mark and that's kind of easy. But then there's that kind of area right in the middle of it where it gets heavy again and then it kind of gets easy again and then right at the top, the last push,

it's like hard again on your back. Very odd apparatus that is in our lot. and then, you know, sometimes they get jammed for no reason. You've been opening and closing your garage door for 25 years, and all of a sudden, hey, wait a minute, you're pulling at it, and you're like, what the hell? Why is it stuck? And then you've got to, like, find a sweet spot.

I remember when I was growing up, we had a garage door, and on any given day it would just be stuck. And what I somehow learned, I don't know how. There was one side. You had to go over to the, like, the left of the right corner, bend down, stick your hand under the lip of the garage door, and pull it from there. But again, it was random. It was whenever the garage door decided it wanted to be a little bastard, right?

And then you ever get into that situation with the electric garage door where all of a sudden the electric opener decides it's got a stutter? And it, like, comes halfway down and then kind of goes back up. and then comes three quarters of the way down and goes back up or it comes all the way down and it won't go up and you're pressing the thing and you're like, excuse me, a car inside locked wall, um, hello garage door and you can't get into your own garage? And the garage is like, yes, my child,

I possess your car. What are you going to do about it now? In fact, I'm holding. all kinds of your possessions behind my big, broad wall, my retractable mouth. I hold many of your

possessions in my belly. It's just, they're kind of creepy. Maybe they should do a horror movie, just called garages. And garages come to life at night and just consume big chunks of society. Let's get the downtown.

area that mall looks delicious I don't know is anybody scared but me what an idiot I am maybe I'll go eat a garage for lunch how about that little payback huh we created you garages we can destroy you I'm gonna go have a garage on rye with mayo and tomato If I eat you first, my child. And then I remember scaling the Himalayan mountains and coming into a tribe of savage Indians. It was just a fabulous journey. I mean, you can't believe the excitement and the adventure I had.

You ever, you ever out at dinner or you're at a dinner party? And there's a great storyteller at the table. And he kind of dominates the. conversation. Everyone's fixated on this guy waiting on every word. And then we came across the abominable snowman standing there in a snowdrift. I actually had to take off one of my skis and throw it like a javelin straight through its heart. And everyone's like, ooh, ah, yes, I actually severed its head with my bare hands and I've been hanging over my fireplace. Oh, but then the stories keep going and going.

And just when he finishes one or she finishes one, another one starts. One time I was jumping from a parachute from a British war plane when suddenly I received some Eminemian pyre from down on the ground. Okay, I just want to get through my salad here. I wanted to say hi to my other friends and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Okay, there's other people at the table here. Blah, blah, blah, blah.

And this story leads into my next story. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then you just give up, man. And you just sit there and you eat as fast as you can. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Oh, look at the time. I've got to go. But wait, I haven't finished my story.

Nope, got to go. Sorry, but you just got here an hour ago. Yeah, I got to go. What about dessert? No, no thanks. And everyone at the table's kind of feeling the same thing. And the master storytellers, the only guy in the room that doesn't realize he's long-winded. So just a little bit of etiquette here, people.

Hey, everyone loves a great story. And singular, a great story. Okay, we don't need a million of them. We don't need you to take over the table. So I hope you enjoyed my little story here today. What? You want to hear another one? What? No? Wait, where are you going? What? Hey, come back. Come back. I got another story. Wait.

Okay, here really is a story. And, uh, you know, hey everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes. Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus, 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy,

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Code Harlan. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Let me know if you agree or disagree with this, okay? I was watching a video the other day. I'll be honest, I watched the American Idol finale, okay? And here's Beyonce, and they're like, and here it is, debuting worldwide for the first time the Beyonce video. Her new single, and some ridiculous video comes on,

where she's like standing in a war zone and she's singing about how women rule and she, you know, A, the lyrics were ridiculous. The song really had no meaning or merit. It was just, I hated it, okay? She's a good-looking woman, but the whole video was about her friggin

choreographed dance moves. You know, it cut from her, like, staring down the camera with these intimidating eyes like I'm going to rip your heart out with my sexiness look which by the way is overblown

as I said in a thing the other day about Lady Gaga the least sexy thing about a sexy woman is a woman that tries too hard to be sexy so anyways this is more about the dancing and the choreography

and you can barely even pay attention to the music or the lyrics or the singing because Beyonce is so busy doing these pelvic thrusts and whipping her head sideways and twirling her hair and you know making her arms going directions and contorting her spine and her ribs and you know shaking her booty which by the way I'm sorry she's got a fat ass and fat legs not a fan you can dress up a chubby as much as you want but a chubby's a chubby i'm sorry her and riana and uh lisha keys from the waist down someone called jenny crag we got us a uh couple of whales on the beach man i'm sorry i just i ain't i ain't i ain't gonna sit around and stand for the them you know letting that go is sexy

you're uh you've been dipping into the cookie jar on the ice cream baby that ain't sexy to me but anyways back to my point all this phony dancing and choreography and and it was just so overwhelming and so dominated the song and looked so unnatural and so telegraphed and and you could almost picture like some fruity choreographer off to the side like giving her hand signals okay bend and twist and up and twirl and shake and and it was just like get the hell out of here man you know you're a singer sing to me let me hear you sing let me let me hear your talent shine

I don't want to watch like the America's next hot dancer and then they cut away from the video and then all of a sudden they're back live in the studio and all of a sudden they got that chick from the pussycat girls, I guess has gone solo now. And she comes out and she's doing a thing live and she's a hot looking girl and her whole song is buried by her doing these sexual gyrating

choreographed moves where she's in high heels, trying to walk down step. She looks awkward. and it's just none of it is coming, and here's where I'm getting to my point. Would you please hurry up with your long-winded story? My God, man, when do I get to talk again? Shut up. Up yours.

Anyways, I'm doing exactly what I did in the last bit. I'm getting long-winded. But anyways, my point is that none of these people these days, you know, these artists, these singers, have any of their own natural moves. None of it is an expression of who they are. It's all planned out. It's mapped out. It's blueprinted.

They spend hours rehearsing. Do you know how boring it is? How repetitive it is. Do you know how much they all look like the same act? And why don't you go back to the day before all that fake cosmetic bullshit existed and go on to YouTube, okay? If you want to have a little fun, go on YouTube and watch Jim Morrison.

Watch Jim Morrison from the doors in his black leather pants jumping up and down and just following the vibe of his own creative energy. Just jumping in the air and flopping on the ground and rolling on the stage, okay? Or why don't you go watch some old videos of The Who? Pete Townsend and Roger Daltrey, Roger Daltry's swinging his microphone in the air. Pete Townsend's like doing that windmill thing with his guitar. Keith Moon is smashing his drum set.

Guys are smashing their guitars on the ground. You know, go look at guys like Joe Cocker, who when they sing, even though I don't like the guy's singing, he looks like he's taking the biggest dump in the history of humanity. But his face is straining, his fingers are. curled up and his body's kind of going back and forth. Look at Ray Charles behind the piano, feeling the music.

Go watch Led Zeppelin and just watch the lead singer of Zeppelin doing his thing, you know? And yeah, some of their stuff is a little bit choreographed, but not to the extent that you see it today. A lot of it felt a lot more natural, a lot more real, and whether it was choreographed or not, not it's stuff that they discovered within themselves you know angus young the guitarist on uh you know on ac dc when that guy does that that strut across the stage do you think uh some choreographer you know walked up to him and said look angus i think it would be really great if you just like

stomped across the whole stage of one foot and just you know or uh You know, the Johnny B. Good guy. I'm blanking on his name, which is disgusting. The guy who did, go, Johnny, go, go. And he did that famous thing where he kind of scoots across the stage, kind of hopping and skipping on one leg. How about James Brown? Ow!

I feel good. Oh, go watch him, man. Go watch James Brown on YouTube. Watch that guy move. Go watch Prince. Go watch Prince dance around. I doubt that that's all choreographed, man. That guy just, it comes from them.

You feel it. It's organic. I don't know. But the stuff they got now, it's just like pathetic. It just kills the whole creative vibe, the whole mood, the whole. It makes me feel like I'm watching a bunch of phonies. And that what they're selling isn't music. or their voice or they're singing it's all image and bullshit and wind machines in their hair

and makeup and a goofy hat and then in one scene they're blonde and the next scene they're brunette and one scene they're in high heels the next scene they're rolling around with a leopard it's like come on just show us who you are and i don't want to sound like one of those dated like oh that that guy was born you know in the uh in the 70s and he's just stuck back in classic rock mode and no it's not that it really isn't it it's really i i like the purity of art i like seeing i like seeing what comes from an individual what their vision is i don't like seeing artists that are manipulated by a whole bunch of other artists you know what i mean it's like i i don't want marlin brando acting and i don't want people walking up to him and going

act like this right or i don't want prince performing and i don't want uh some guy from a boardroom or a choreographer going all right sing like this and dance like this no i want to see what comes out of out of prints that's what makes artists special they have something they possess something that no other individual on the planet possesses. That's what attracts me to that artist. That's what I want to see. So, Beyonce, I'm sorry, great energy, great, you know, you're actually a good dancer,

but it couldn't be more boring and more unappealing to me than what you're doing. Sorry. Now, you could disagree with that, but I can't hear you because this is a podcast and I'm in the studio alone, so go ahead and disagree. And I'll slam a garage door on top of you is what I'll do. My garage will eat you.

Yes, my child. So anyways, there I go, ranting and raving, but come on. If you're an artist out there, you know, try and stand by your own vision. You know, if you're an emerging artist or you're an existing artist, You know, stand by your artistic soul. Feel it becoming percolating from your heart. Don't let people move you around like a dirty chess piece when it comes to your art.

Art comes from the soul, man. Yes, Pablo Picasso, please. Yes, Pablo, would you not do that brush stroke, please? I'd rather you did, yes. Please do your brush stroke straight across, down, and then do a funny circle. Yes, but that is not what I was feeling. I was feeling a crooked eye with a horse's head and a piece of carpet.

Yes, but nobody wants that, Pablo. Please, just do the line, go up and down, make some stripes, and do an X mark. Okay, I guess. Thank you, Pablo Picasso. You're a wonderful artist. I don't know where you come up with this stuff. Well, you came up with it, not me. Oh, just magnificent.

It's like you from another planet. But wait a minute, you told me what to do. Just people will love this. But doesn't it look just like that guy over there, Salvador Daly stuff that you told him to do? Yes, but he's Spanish and I'm Spanish too. Well, okay, but you're both Spanish, so maybe you paint the same. Oh, I never thought of it that way.

You see? I hope you get my point. I'm going to stop ranting right now. I'm going to go downstairs and let my garage door eat me. That sounded very sexual, my child. Oh, grow up. Up yours. Hey, this is Harland Williams with another wonderful tip for you here on the Harland Highway.

Are you worried about getting older and aging? You don't have the money in your pocket to spend on Botox or oil of Olay. Here's a solution. Open your freezer, jump inside, and let the door swing shut. Stand there frozen, motionless, until someone finds you weeks, months later. You'll be able to freeze out time for a limited amount of time. When you step out and defrost, you'll look all. younger. And you'll smell like frozen shrimp, a double treat. You're going to look young,

you're going to feel young, and you'll probably get attacked by seals. Just another friendly tip here on the Harland Highway. Oh boy, yeah, really dumb idea, Harland. But then again, isn't this whole podcast a dumb idea? Um, ha ha ha ha ha. Ha, ha. Ha, ha. Good move, Harlan. Call yourself dumb at the end of your own podcast. Anyways, you're not dumb. I appreciate you being here and listening. And what a fun show we had today. I hope you enjoyed it.

Be sure to tell your friends about the Harlan Highway. Get them in on the mirth and the merriment. You know, this show is for all. It's not just yours. It's for all. And speaking of for all, you can catch yours truly this weekend, June 9, 10, and 11 in Las Vegas, Nevada at the Palms Casino. I will be doing stand-up live and in person. I think they go hand in hand.

And then if you're up in the Bay Area in California, I will be at the San Jose Improv, June 23rd, 24th, and 25th. great club up there. It actually used to be an old opera house, so it's got two levels and cushy seats, and it's just a great, great venue. You can also get the Harland Highway at Stitcher.com for your cell phone device. And don't forget to visit Harlanwilliams.com where you can watch videos, and you can hit the Harland Web Store there and pick up merchandise, all kinds of stuff. to add pleasure to your life. But once again, thanks for being here, folks.

I hope you enjoyed it. And as always, until next time, I just hiccuped. And I think that's because I'm about to mention my favorite dish. Until next time, chicken, chau me, baby. I am a garage door. I love your dance moves. I want to eat you. I am a big bad garage door and I love to eat dance movers.

Oh, la la la.