The Harland Highway - PODCAST 279

Episode Date: June 8, 2011

Sex capade story, tall people and short people, listener mail bag, weather man complaints. It Chinese fun time boys and girls!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

What in the name of, huh? Welcome, everybody, to the Harland Highway. We're going to be talking about many tall tale today. And speaking of tall, we are going to be talking about the tallest man in China got married. We're going to be discussing, you know, being tall in general. Have you ever dated someone taller than you? What's that like? We've got one of my sex capades coming up.

an incredible sexual encounter that I'm going to get graphically into detail about. It goes against my better judgment, but I'm doing it. We are going to be opening up the Harland Highway Mailbag. These are actual emails that have come from you folks that I'm going to read on the show today and try and respond to as best I can. You can do the same thing by writing me at Harlem Williams.com. And then we're going to get into the weather. people, the weatherman.

You ever notice they kind of spout off and give you way too much information? And do you know other areas of life where you get way too much information? Yeah, it can be very, very annoying. The fact that I just keep going on and on with this intro is way too much information, and you're probably getting annoyed. So let's cut to the chase. Let's stop being annoyed. Let's have fun right here on the Harlan.

Highway Welcome to the Harland Highway Hi, I'm Jackie want to play You're writing You just made a wrong turn onto the Harland Highway

You're always Keep it going Love the show You're hilarious My blue blanket You're riding You're riding down The Harlan Highway

It's the Holland Highway. Have you checked the children? Letters. Oh, we get letters. We get your letters every day. Mailman, mailman, mail today. Reach right in and pull one out. Those letters. I love those letters. Let's find out what you've got to say.

Oh, boy. Mailman. Mail today Okay, here we go. Let's do it. Let's open up the mailbag and get these letters gone. These are from you, the listeners. They're not mine.

I don't make them up. They come from you. So let's start with Brian sent me a letter. The subject is Tattletale Journalism. He goes, I recently heard an old podcast where you compared today's today's reporters, to tattletails. Yesterday was a good example. Sarah Palin made statements about American history involving Paul Rivera,

which everyone assumed was wrong based on what they remembered from grade school. Stephen Colbert went so far as to mount a mechanical horse to show how hard it would be to ring bells, shoot warning shots, and ride at the same time. And then Brian went on to write a really long. letter email, kind of quoting a conversation that happened, or maybe he just did a cut and paste. It's too long to read, but the point is, stop picking on Sarah Palin. Okay? Brian, thank you for this email because it just highlights the bias against her and the kind of the cowardly picking, the schooly bullying on a woman that just wants to run.

for president the way any free American should be allowed to the hatred and the vitriol that's being spewed at this woman who actually has a refreshing outlook who kind of doesn't isn't cut from the same

political tapestry that every other guy's cut from and let me stop you right now because there's always people that listen go oh you're a Republican, you're this, you're that This isn't political. I'm not Republican. I'm not Democrat.

I don't care. This argument is about let people have a voice. It's America, man. Let them talk. But people at every turn want to slam Sarah Palin. Tell her she's stupid. Tell her she's not qualified. And, you know, I recently heard on the radio the other day

that Barack Obama mistakenly said there was something. like 59 states or something crazy like that. And, you know, you don't see people jumping all over him. But here's the thing. Thank you for this letter, Brian, because so many people I've met paint Sarah Palin is stupid, and they don't really know the issues. They don't really know much about her.

They're just jumping on a bandwagon. So here's a test for all you people that just, don't really have your act together and want to call a woman who's trying to empower herself, who claims she wants to do good for the country. Here's the test for you people that seem to love to call her stupid.

Since you're so positive that she's an idiot and she has no brains and she's a dumbass and because Katie Couric couldn't pinpoint which newspapers Sarah read, You know, for those of you that don't understand that she was a CEO, she was a governor, she's done a lot of things in her life that takes brains. Why don't you sit down and debate Sarah Palin and see how you do? Let's see how you do, Mr. Let's throw the first stone.

Let's see how you compare to what she has to say. Let's see how much knowledge you have. Let's see how much insight you have next to Sarah Palin. I guarantee you 90% of the people out there don't have the balls to sit down and do it because they'd probably look like an idiot. She's not as stupid as she seems, and I'm not just sticking up for Sarah Palin. This is for any politician. This is for people with, like, more outrageous, outlandish ideas like Rom Paul,

and people like that, there's no crime in what they're doing. These are people that are frustrated with the country. They have their own ideals. They have their own ideas. They want to step up and they want to try and do something what in their mind they perceive as right for the country. Now, whether they win or lose is up to the people.

So can't you just leave it there? Why do you have to call this woman stupid and badger her and I don't know? I think it's cruel, mean, and unnecessary. If you like someone, vote for them. If you don't like them, don't vote for them. But in closing, let me just say, for those of you that think she's such a dumbass, why don't you go on TV and sit down across from her and see how well you do. with the facts and the debates and all the American history and world history and all that stuff.

Is she a top academic, a top scholar? No. Is she any worse or any better than the vast majority of these people running for office? No. So stop picking on the lady. I don't know if I'd ever vote for her. But then again, who knows? Maybe I would.

Who cares? But I'm not going to call a person stupid. Oh, it's frustrating. Well, thank you for the letter, Brian. Wow, you got me off on a tirade. And for those people to want to write and say, oh, you're one of those guys and you lost me. I used to listen to the show.

But it's obvious now. You're a Sarah Palin supporter and you're voting Republican up yours. I'm not affiliated to anyone. I'm just, I'm trying to stick up for someone that, you know, just keeps getting pushed around. I do it for you, too. So wipe that peanut butter smile off your face. Go eat a bag of jellyfish.

I don't know, I don't even know what that means. All right, we're off of that topic. Let's keep moving. Come on, we're getting into the mailbag. Here we go. Let's see. Okay, this is a letter from Mark. Oh, another one from the UK, it looks like.

And the topic is horse-obsessed girlfriends. Hi, Harland, I wish you told me about horse-obsessed girls two years ago. A year and a half ago, I broke up with my ex-girlfriend because her horse became ill. Yes, that was the only reason, no joke. But now I feel bad because her horse died and she dropped out of college because of it. Okay, interesting. I probably did a thing about, you know, if you've got a girlfriend who has a horse, forget it. You're always going to be second place to that horse. It's all you're going to hear about. It's all they're going to talk about.

It's all horse, horse, horse. Just a warning. Just a warning. Okay, what else do we have? all right here we go this is from jeff a subject your soothing voice helps me sleep oh no all right this could be good or bad uh hi harland i recently took an overnight train from cologne germany to mink and then to mink's st petersburg and i had your show on my ipod thanks for helping me getting to sleep somewhere in Poland and then somewhere in Russia.

Not that your show has a necrophilic... Wait, what? Not that your show has a narcoleptic effect on me. It was just a nice sound to have on my ears to counter the creaking noise of the Soviet era sleeper train.

Anyways, love the show and I'll listen to you on my next trip, Bosnia and Herzegovina this time. P.S. I'm a Canadian living in Belgium my wife's a diplomat but I'm coming back home this summer I saw you in Ottawa four or five years ago love your comedy well there you go Jeff thank you you know that's what's amazing about doing the podcast is that you know it goes out all over the world

okay and to know that some guy in the middle of the night was creaking through Europe on a rusty old Russian train on the other side of the world and there he is through some mechanical technological device he's hearing my voice in his head that just

astounds me it's amazing it's kind of cool and I guess it's kind of weird that I put him right to sleep but thanks for listening man awesome and keep on trucking

wherever you are. All right, moving along here on the Harland Highway Mailbag. This is a letter from Jack. And he says, as per your recommendation, I hit my grandmother right in the face with a canoe the other night while she took a nap. The whole family had a good laugh about that one. So thank you for bringing our family closer together.

But in all seriousness, my friends and I are huge fans. Harlarius is constantly quoted around the apartment, and the Harland Highway has become a regular road trip feature. Keep on doing what you're doing. Columbia, Missouri loves it. Hey, right on, Columbia. And thank you for listening. And just in case you're wondering what Harlarius is,

that's my CD, my Comedy Central CD, that you can find at Harlan Williams.com in my store. and thank you so much for the letter, guys. Keep on smacking granny with a canoe. All right, let's do one last letter here. Here we go. Let's see, who the heck have we got here? All right, this is Sean Lee Leahy.

Sean says, sweet, swirling onion rings. Just want to say I'm a big fan of yours. My roommates and I constantly quote Rocket Man and your stand-up cracks us up. I also started listening to your podcast, and it's really great. Well, thank you, sir. I'm waiting for the day when I walk into a restaurant, open the menu, and find sweet swirling onion rings,

or sweet Alaskan asparagus tips. That'll be a fine day indeed. Anyway, it would be great to hear back from you. It would make my year. Sean. Well, here you go, Sean. You're hearing back from me. It's Rocket Man.

For those of you that don't know that movie, It's also available at my web store. It's a Disney movie I did back in the 90s, a lot of fun. And thank you very much, Sean. And that's it, folks. I'm going to close it up. That's the Harland Highway Mailbag. And keep those letters coming to Harlan Williams.com.

And hopefully we'll get to you. All right. Nice job with the letters, everybody. Thank you very much. But let's go from your letters to, hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex? No? Yes. Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discreet shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus, 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy. I will be packaged and sent discreetly for free and fast. Don't wait. Better Sex is just a click away.

That's 50% off, one item, and free shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harland to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harland.

Have fun. Don't throw your back. a letter that should probably be in a dirty magazine you know i don't even know why i'm about to share this with you it's a very naughty sexual escapade that happened to me i almost don't believe it i mean this stuff doesn't happen to me this happens and you know okay so here it is okay i'm doing a show and they send a limo to pick me up normally you get like these big fat limo drivers for some reason i guess someone was out of the out of luck or down on their modeling career or something so the limo company hired this gorgeous like had to be like 28 year old woman like this woman

had no business being a a limo driver okay she her body was incredible and she got out to open the door for me. I thought it was being punked. Unbelievable in the tight black, you know, pantsuit, very professional, her hair back. She had the librarian glasses on, sparkling blue eyes, big red pouty lips, blonde hair pulled back, a very ample cleavage. Just, just, this chick was a knockout, okay? So we get in the limo, and we're driving, and she turns around. She's got a voice like silk and she goes by the way we're a little bit early i mean we're going to get there almost 45 minutes early and i said yeah that's okay you know they got a a place for me to stay she goes well why don't i just pull up over here i know there's some old warehouses and uh it's kind of

empty and i could pull in back and i'm like excuse me and i i didn't fight it folks let's put it this way she pulled in to these old warehouses there was old parking spot she gets out of the front of the cab okay out of the front of the limo does something when she opens the door to the back where i am she's wearing full-blown brazier um garter belt nylons strapped to the garter belt her high heels She walks in, steps into the back of the limo, closes the door, reaches for my... We interrupt our program to bring you this important message. Hi, this is Harlan Williams, asking for your vote to become the next president of the United States of America. Hi, folks, I'm Harlan Williams, a Canadian with American citizenship,

and I'm looking to be the first Canadian president of the United States of America. If elected your president, bald people will be forced to live underground. Circumcisions will be done publicly at Walmarts. Iran and Iraq will be made into Jurassic Park-themed dinosaur worlds. I'm Harlan Williams, and I approve this message. Harlem Williams for president. Now let's go boil some ass. Now back to our shore.

Does up her blouse and says, I hope you enjoyed your ride, Mr. Williams. Are you, unbelievable. Isn't that amazing? How many guys listening wish that what happened to me just happened to you? Wow. Unbelievable.

Normally I don't share this stuff with my listeners, but it was so sexual. It was so erotic. I can't even not. So there you go. More sexual ex-ex-I can't even talk. Let's just move on. Okay. One of the tallest men in China has gotten married.

Congratulations. He's 7 foot 9. Probably could be the tallest guy. in the world. I didn't do my research, but he's tall, okay? Once you hit over 7, 8, you're in world record territory. So the dude got married, he married a woman from his village, 5 foot 6. Okay, that's a difference of about 32 feet. Do you even want to picture the lovemaking? Do you want to picture them just walking down the street? I mean, it'll look like a man, holding hands with a little monkey.

And you know she's going to be bossing them around the house. Change the light bulbs. Change the light bulbs. Duh, okay. I'm right here. I might as well. Dust up top. Dust up on top of all the cabinets.

Do the dusting. Okay. I guess I'm right up here, you know. What's going on upstairs? Not much. There's nobody up here but me in my head. Okay, well, get down here. I want to talk to you.

Dinner's ready. I mean, that's got to be weird, man. How do you drive around? There's no car that'll fit you. You got to have a mandatory sunroof, dude. You ever seen a circus giraffe being pulled on a train? The neck sticking out? Then you got your little tiny wife under there.

I guess the only good thing about that is, well, she's nagging about you being lost. You're up top with the wind blowing through your face. She's in the car. Where are you going? We're lost. Take a left. Go down here. What are you doing? Go back. Turn around. Turn around. You're just up there in the wind, listening to the birds saying, wind blowing in your big seven-foot face, eating bugs as they go by.

I'm a giant. There goes a bird. There's some clouds. Oh, there's a tree. The Harland Highway. If your neighbor would look like it's been stripped bare by a hurricane, have no fear. The giant seven-foot man is lost, and he's been driving down your street. How many guys out there listening have gone out with a girl that's taller than them? Okay, I'm a pretty tall guy. I'm like almost 6'2.

And every now and then you have a girl on your arm who's like a little bit taller than you, or taller than you. Does it just feel weird? I got to say, I'm not used to it because, you know, physically most women are shorter than men, and I'm just not used to having a woman that's taller than me around.

And I got to be honest, it's an odd feeling. I'm not used to either looking up at a person, and I'm not used to looking eye to eye with a person, you know? And I guess what I'm kind of feeling out here with the guys is uh is it intimidating does it uh does it bother you does it make you feel a little insecure does it make you feel a little less powerful um i don't know it is a little odd i don't know

i guess because i'm so used to a woman being shorter than me that i do find it a little little strange it's a strange sensation it's not a bad thing but uh it's a little bit uh a little bit off-putting maybe. You know, when you spend your whole life and you're used to a certain thing and then all of a sudden something changes, the dimensions change. And you've got to wonder,

I don't know how many short guys listen to the podcast, but it made me wonder to do short guys, is it weird for short guys? Do they think about it? You know, being a tall guy, I guess it's something I've never really had to think. about but I wonder if that's if that's really an issue with with you know shorter man if they have to deal with that if it causes them anxiety if it creates that

Napoleon complex or that little man complex and they try to manifest it and make make up for it in other ways yeah I know I'm shorter than this check okay fine but watch this I'm gonna punch your grandmother in the face why the hell did you do that just because I'm short and I don't want anyone to know well I can see it dumb ass well just for that I'm gonna punch you in the balls you know I don't know uh it is it is odd it is odd then I got to I got to ask the question if there's a tall woman out there how do you feel how is it being taller than most of the men you go out with?

Is that empowering? Do you feel good, or are you in your head? Does it psychologically affect you? Are you like, oh, God, I don't like being taller than the men. I know that the men think it's a power thing, and he's never going to ask me out for a second date. Or are you like, oh, I'll show this little weasel who's in charge? Hey, buddy, I'm the woman in this relationship, and I'm in charge.

Oh, yeah? Well, I'm going to punch you in the fallopian tubes. Ah! So there you go. Just throwing the questions out there. If you have any comments, any ideas or thoughts you want to share on that, you can call me. Guys, if you've dated a tall woman, taller than you, or ladies, if you're taller than the men, tell me how it feels. Tell me what's happening. 888, 52090, we're taking your tall questions today. 888, 52090. Okay, is TV weather getting way too sophisticated for the common man?

I mean, you watch the news at night at 6 o'clock and the local weatherman pops on and goes, well, the barometric pressure and the humidX and the humidity and the precipitation thing and the five-day dingle-nut pressure system and the blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Do we need to know all this stuff? Is this guy just trying to, like, get off on his own job? I'm in a bit of a rush. When it gets to weather, I don't care how it formed. I don't care how the clouds moved around.

I don't care what kind of pressure the world is under. I don't care where the winds are coming from or what the currents are causing. are the tides. All I need to know is it going to be sunny and warm, or rainy and cloudy. Okay, there, handsome. That's all you need to tell me. I'm not

a pilot. Okay? I'm not flying for Delta. I'm not up there hovering around the planet. Doing the traffic report and a helicopter. I'm a guy in my living room eating Baskin Robbins. Save all your jingles and your jargon and

all your sexy weather talk for when you're going at it with your wife. Let that be your dirty talk. Oh, barometric pressure, baby. The Humadex report is 73. Right? Not very sexy, is it? I mean, it's just, it's not the...

It's just too much. So knock it off. It's rainy. It's sunny. It's cold. It's warm. Boom. That's all I need.

uh sometimes you just get too much information i mean you ever been sitting on an airplane and that stupid overhead speaker comes on and the lady you know on some flights they go ladies and gentlemen if you'd please draw your attention to the screens we will do a safety demonstration and you're like okay great so then you watch this stupid thing but then sometimes the ladies come on and they're like ladies you know welcome aboard delta airlines blah blah blah blah blah blah blah We will be flying at approximately 753 miles an hour at 20,000 feet, blah, blah, blah. The movie today will be a thing. We've got the frequent Flyers Club Miles thing for your connecting gates.

If you're going to Honolulu, Gate 52. If you're going to Denver, Gate 12, if you're going to Michigan, gate 45, blah, blah, blah, blah. We'd like to thank you all for coming. Like, they just, it's like they're looking for things to say to talk about. Well, they're on the speaker right over your head and their little tinny microphone. It's too much information. I'm on a plane. I'm trapped.

Just show me your little demonstration, and I'm fine. I'm good to go. And speaking of good to go, my goodness, look at the time, speaking and good to go, it is time for us to go, sadly. And if you want to go to Vegas, Las Vegas, Nevada, This weekend, I will be there at the Palm's Casino. I'm there the 9th, the 10th, and the 11th.

Doing some live stand-up comedy material. And if you live in the area, come on by and catch the show. And if you don't, then sit in your living room with a watermelon on your head and picture me there. How's that? That's it. We've got to go. Don't forget to visit harlandwilliams.com. You can watch videos.

You can buy stuff from our store. You can go to stitcher.com and get a free app that lets you download the Harland Highway to your cell phone no matter what kind you have. And that is it, boys and girls, ladies and gentlemen, another successful podcast here on the Harland Highway. Thank you for joining. We'll catch you next time. And until then, chicken chow maim, baby. Thank you.