The Harland Highway - PODCAST 280

Episode Date: June 10, 2011

Gross out commercials, dog rescues, tip on flying, horror movie the Omen, Seafood fiasco, and an annoying visitor to the studio. Swirl my lima beans!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Oh, josh shabay, uh-huh, uh-huh, shi like it. Uh-huh, uh-huh, shis like it. I don't know. Is that like a Danish guy singing Casey in the Sunshine Band? I don't know. Not a good way to start a podcast. Believe me. Real bad move, Williams.

But let's see if I can make it up to you. What a show. I've got some tips on flying. if you're afraid of flying. We're going to be talking about commercials. In particular, one commercial that's really graphic and grosses me out, it makes me want to faint. I'm not even kidding.

We're going to be talking about dog rescues. I guess there was a dog that helped save someone's life. Have you ever heard those stories? We got that going on. We're going to be talking about the horror movie, the Omen, all about Satan's kid. uh we have a mystery guest visiting the uh studio i can't say i like this guy but uh he will be here i won't tell you who i don't want to annoy you and have you switched the podcast off because i know i would

and then we're going to be talking about uh menu items and kind of like seafood fiascos some of the trickery they pull with seafood but there's no tricks here It's all real on the Harland Highway. Welcome to the Harland Highway. You fellas been doing a bit of booze and have you? Sucking back on Grandpa's old cough medicine. There's an element of uncontrolled chaos. The Harland Highway.

Serving everyone from presidents and kings to the scum of the earth. What a treat. Oh, wait. Was you a great big fat person? You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. You need many years of therapy. Hey, Harlan, it's Stephanie from Denver. Just do me.

You might want to think twice before sticking your penis in there. Just do me. You're riding down the Harland Highway with Harlan Williams. Okay, so interesting item in the news. Some lady was choking, and her dog jumped up on her and gave her the Heimlich maneuver. Okay? At least that's what they're saying. But let's, let's dissect this here.

Okay, woman's chewing on some steak. Maybe she's good looking. I don't know what she looked like. But for the sake of this story, I'm assuming she was cute. She's chewing away on some steak. Some of it gets lodged in her throat. She can't breathe. She buckles over.

She's on the floor on all four. dog comes up behind her reaches around and gives her the heimlich maneuver that's what they're reporting i don't know folks you ever have a dog heimlich maneuver your leg you see where i'm going with this i don't think that dog deserves the purple heart i think that dog needs to be neutered. Okay. It wasn't trying to save anybody's life. It was looking for a good time.

Somewhere along the way, it popped the meat out of the lady's throat. What do you know, huh? A little fun could save your life. Try it out. The Heimlich maneuver here on the Harland Highway. Harland Williams. Oh. Oh, yes.

Funny things do happen in life. Certainly wouldn't want to be, you know, choking and have my life depend on Sparky, the Golden Retriever. I mean, imagine that. What's next? We walk into hospitals. Dr. Dashound to surgery. Dr. Dashound to surgery.

Yeah, can I get a Black Labrador into the cancer ward, please? Black Labrador to the cancer ward. Yeah, I need a peak agnes in the ER, a peak of knees, and a collie to the ER. We have a gunshot wound. Yeah, no thanks. I'll just take a good old-fashioned human doctor tending to my ailments. And speaking of ailments, God, I have a beef. Have you watched TV and seen these commercials about the diabetes tester things?

where people have to test their blood sugar, I guess. Forgive me if I'm not getting this right because I'm not schooled on diabetes. I don't have it. I've never really investigated, but I think the gist of it is people have to prick their finger. And this device counts the blood sugar levels or counts the blood cells. I'm not sure. What I'm getting at is there's this commercial now where it's, some kind of device where you prick your finger and make yourself bleed.

Okay? Come on, man. It's a commercial. Do you really have to demonstrate it? Do you have to show the person pricking their finger? Do we have to see the blood seeping out of their skin in real life? I'm squeamish about that stuff. I'm going to be honest.

You all know me as a macho, you know, Barb brawling. UCF kick ass biker dude you know you know how I roll but I'll be honest man when I see my own blood I faint I'm one of these guys for whatever reason God made me a fainter if I lose too much blood or I see too much my own blood I'm out I'm gone it's embarrassing it's it's weird I don't understand it but my doctor tells me that more men faint from blood than women.

I think I've talked about this before on the show, right? So I don't need to be watching, you know, like the celebrity apprentice, or I'm in the middle of a heartwarming, you know, family movie. And all of a sudden a commercial comes on, and some guy's like, I have diabetes. He pricks his finger and starts bleeding. I'm like, oh, my God.

I'm one of those guys in movies. Whenever there's a scene with a needle, even though I know it's fake, I turn away. I can't watch someone get a needle. And I'm like, why do they have to show it on the commercial? You know, I hate this being gross here, but there's a lot of feminine napkin commercials. There's tampon commercials. We don't see the bleeding there. Okay?

There's a lot of commercials about depression pills. I don't see people jumping out of the window. like Damien's made Damien's made All I'm saying is, you know, God bless you if you got diabetes and God bless it that there's stuff out there that can help you, but we don't need to show people bleeding. You could do it with a cartoon or you can just say it.

An easy technique, you just prick your finger and check your blood. I don't need to see it. You know, God forbid we have to graphically detail an X-Lax commercial, right? Some big guy sitting on the throne, letting one rip. Yeah, no thank you. So, uh, there's my beef. Stop the bleeding. It's just all for you, Damien.

Look at me, Damien. It's all for you. Hi, this is Harlan Williams. Here's another friendly tip. Are you afraid of flying? Well, why don't you do some exercises to prepare yourself for your next flight? Go to the top of a tall building, look down, and jump off. When you get down to the bottom, run back up and do it again.

Repeat this process over and over until you are no longer, afraid of flying. In fact, when you're falling through the air, try flapping your arms. Happy flying here on the Harland Highway. Look at me, Damien. It's all for you. Oh, God. Why do I keep playing that?

It's so creepy. Have you ever seen it? Do you know what that clips from? Let me fill you in if you don't know it. If you like scary movies, there's a movie that came out. I think it was actually in the late 70s, mid to late 70s called The Omen with Gregory Pack. And it's basically about Damien, the son of the devil, being born back on planet Earth. It's a revisiting of the devil's child.

And the movie's done really well. It's one of those slow-burning, really creepy. It's truly a scary movie. It's right up there with movies like The Exorcist. So if you're freaked out by the devil and, you know, Satan and all that stuff, this movie does the job. And there's a scene in the movie where Damien is, born into a very wealthy family and he's got housemaids and they live in a big mansion

and there's a scene where it's Damien's birthday party and all the kids are out playing on the lawn and the parents have rented like a merry-go-round and balloons and they're all laughing and playing and then all of a sudden you hear the maid one of the maids like yelling to Damien and everybody stops and they look and there's this maid and her maid outfit standing on the top of the roof of the mansion with a rope around her neck and she's like I love you Damien it's all for you Damien and then in front of all the children at the birthday party she jumps

off the ceiling hangs herself and smashes through the glass window on one of the lower floors it's it's completely morbid and creepy why am I playing it I don't know but check it out it's a classic horror scene and it's one of those ones that just stays with you because you realize it's just

it's not really like a boo gotcha moment it's more like the power of the devil of the dark side that someone would just jump off a building for the son of the devil with a huge smile on their face

and attribute the suicide to love for this child who turned to, out to be the devil's kid you can see it on youtube search around for it i think it's under a damien's birthday party or uh the omen birthday party scene or something like that and uh just be warned it's graphic and it's uh it's crazy it's scary hey everybody who wants to have better sex no yes yes the answer is yes You always want to have better sex. That's what, you want it to be better, not worse.

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Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Space. The final frontier. These are the voyages of the... Starship Enterprise, her five-year journey to seek out new life, new civilization, to boldly go where no man has gone before to Kirk. Excuse me. Kirk, what are you doing in my studio once again?

This is not your studio. This is the bridge of the Starship Enterprise. It's not the bridge of the Starship Enterprise. Who the hell let you in here? Why do you do it? I got to like the way you had that inflection in your voice. You went down at the end. I'm being sarcastic, Kirk.

That's not permitted on the bridge of the USS Enterprise. This is not the USS Enterprise. What are you doing in my studio? I'm trying to do a podcast. I go out for a coffee. Turn off the music. I can't turn off. Turn it off.

I cannot turn it off. Turn it off. you must try to relax we try to maintain control here on the bridge of the starship enemy it's not the bridge what are you doing here i came to use the tractor beam oh so there's a tractor beam okay and what are you doing with the tractor beam kirk i started making a beef stroganoff for mr spock and myself we have a dinner meeting in my quarters this evening oh you and

Spock are having a little dinner meeting, are you? A little get-together and you're making stroganoff? That is correct. Beef, stroganoff. Oh, isn't that nice? Captain James T. Kirk making a nice stroganoff for you

and first officer Spock, huh? And you thought you'd transport the ingredients here to my studio? That is correct. I must ask you to stand by as I transport some nicely cubed beef and some broth, some fine egg noodles, and some spiced carrots. Stop it! There's no ingredients coming up here, dumbass.

I can't allow you to address me like that in front of my crew. There's no crew. Do you see anyone here? Kirk? Do you see anyone else standing around but me? They must be on lunch break down in the... They are not? On lunch break? I must get to beaming in the ingredients for my... Beef stroganoff. I have a dinner with Mr. Spock.

No dinner. No big, get out of here. I must get the egg noodles. Beam to the Brit. No egg noodles. They finally spiced gravy for the beef stroganoff. Stop saying beef stroganoff. Beef stroganoff.

Stop it. You're not making beef stroganoff. There's no spock. Get off of my, get out of my damn. Studio, you sound mixed up and confused, perhaps some nice, warm beefs chuginoff would help you through the... Get out! You don't happen to have a crock pot around, do you, so I can stir the beefs. Get out of here!

Up yours! Get out! did John help you don't think they're going crazy or anything. But I think I got the wrong number. I was calling for griping, and I didn't know if your program was about that. Sorry, I'm going to call Adam Carolla. I think that's what I was trying to find. But I like your podcast, too.

See you later. Bye. Oh, man, I'm really hungry. I really need something to eat. Hey, I know. How do I expedite this feeding friends that I want to have? I got it. I'll order some peel your own shrimp,

shuck your own oysters, and crack my own crab claws. Yeah, that'll get me to my meal quicker. You ever do that mistake, huh? You go to a restaurant and the waiter conjure? Oh, they're just wonderful shrimp. You peel them yourself, and they're just right out of the shell, and they're immaculate. They practically explode in your mouth.

They're just wonderful. You'll feel like you're a whale eating at the surface of the ocean. Really, that sounds good. Oh, yes, and you just want to get these stone crab claws. You crack them all yourself, and they're just wonderful succulent meat, like little explosions. Mmm, okay. And these oysters, you just suck them yourself. You pry them open like a rusty door.

You just peel it open and eat the fresh meat inside. It's just, it's a thunder bar. Okay. So you order all three. Stuff shows up at your table and cut to you nine hours later. Peeling a shrimp. Okay. That's one.

Took me 20 minutes. but that's one. Oh, no, it's time for the crab clock. Ow! I just cut my finger open on the shell. Ow, ow, ow, I'm bleeding all over my food, but I guess you could look at that as gravy. Some cultures do.

Okay, all that work, and there's hardly any meat inside, but the waiter said it was delicious. And now I guess I'll just shuck an oyster. Oh, God, the knife slipped. I got a knife through my hand. Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, wow, but the oyster's delicious. You know what? If I wanted to prepare my own meal, I'd stay at home and attempt to cook.

Nice try, waiter. Don't try to fool me that I'm doing all the work. And then I got to give you a tip. Huh, uh. I ain't falling for the seafood gag. Go shuck yourself. Yeah, I said shuck. You just made a wrong turn.

On the Harland Highway. And then even worse sometimes, they will trick you with seafood references, right? Like as if we're, all us restaurant goers are ex-you-saint-captains. Like we used to be on the deadliest catch or we ran a, you know, a fishing trawler through the Mediterranean at one point. You know, they'll always put, like, nautical references like, you know, South Bay Gruper and Eastern Shore cracked lobster claw and Arctic char and Mongo Bay coconut shrimp, right? And sometimes you're a little like, okay, I guess I understand the word shrimp. I don't know where Mongo Bay is So this is how they get you sometimes and check it out

I'm not kidding on the weekend I went to a really nice seafood place And I don't know if you like scallops or not But I love me some scallops And normally you know a scallop is you know about the size of a silver dollar And about as thick as you know Maybe an inch an inch an inch and a half maybe two inches right they're pretty meaty little succulent blobs of shell and so what

happened is i'm looking at this menu and uh it's a little pricey i'm like okay seafood usually is and then i see uh taylor bay scallops and i'm like okay i don't know where taylor bay is but you know it's water it's it's a bay it's where scallops are from they come from the water so i look and it's like 350 a pop for a scallop and i'm thinking okay you know those things that's probably worth it they're big they're meaty you know 350 a little expensive but i can do it i can handle 350 a pop so i order three scallops that's like uh you know 10 50 10 dollars and 50 cents with tax i'm probably looking at 12 to 15 bucks for three scallops. I'm like, you know what?

They're exotic. You don't get them every day. They're delish. I'll do it. So my appetizer comes out and here's this plate. It's all dressed up. It's got crushed ice and there's like a salad around the edges and sitting on top of the crushed ice of these three like scallop shells, but they're tinier.

And sitting in the scallop shells is a little dabble of olive oil. And sitting on the olive oil are the Taylor Bay scallops, which were about the size of an earplug. You ever seen a little foam earplug? That's how big they were. Apparently Taylor Bay, which I think is somewhere in the Gulf Coast of Florida, has its own subspecies of scallop where they're warm water scallop. and they only get about as big as a gum drop, right?

And so here I am, and they plop these things down, and I'm like, are you kidding me? Like, you couldn't even, even three of them together is not even the size of a half of a Reese's peanut butter cup. I just paid $3.50 a pop for edible earplugs. and you're just like, good Lord, you know, like, oh, wow, oh, Taylor Bay Scallops. You know, why do they got to put that?

Why don't they just put on the menu the smallest damn scallops you've ever seen? If I were you, I'd order about 28. Because that's how many you'd need to make up the size of a normal cold water scallop, which I believe they get off, you know, the Atlantic Coast there, off of Maine and New Brunswick and Nova Scotia. And so I felt kind of duped and cheated, and you're just like, come on, man. You know, most of us don't know the whole Taylor Bay reference,

and you know that most of us think of a scallop as a scallop. We didn't realize there were, like, little designer subspecy midget scallops. but that's how they get you man so if you're a restaurant owner and you know you're doing stuff like that do your uh do your customers a service do them a solid and let them know what they're ordering

because it's just embarrassing you can't order something you go oh i didn't realize these were so small take them back you know it's kind of like they kind of got you you had me at hello scallop taylor Bay, hello. It feels like my wallet was scalloped. That's what it felt like. So there you go.

Watch yourself. Know what you're getting. Just like you know what you're getting here on the Harland Highway. More stuff like this. This house is clansed. Yeah. You ever been to a buddy's house and they're certain that they're house is haunted. I'm telling you, man, last night I would like laying in bed. I was almost

asleep and my ceiling fan went on, man. And then it went off and then like five minutes later it went on again. I'm telling you, man, I was terrified. I couldn't get out of bed. Oh, really? Yeah? Anything else? Yeah. And then the light in the ceiling fan went on and then went off again, man. I'm telling you, I'm freaking out my place is haunted. Oh, it's haunted, huh? Yeah, like I'm sure someone was like murdered here or like there's a there's like a body buried under the floor boards or something man i mean it's just creepy oh yeah really let me ask you some where'd you get your ceiling fan i got it at home depo man why is home depot haunted is it like a dead guy in the ceiling fan section man now uh what i'm getting at is the make of your ceiling fan yeah like the guy that made

it what he's like possessed it and it's like he's channeling himself through my ceiling fan No, no, take it easy. Does your ceiling fan, by any chance, work on a remote control? Oh, my God, a remote control. Oh, my God, I'm so scared. Wait a minute, yeah, it is on a remote control. And where is your remote control right now? I don't know.

It's around here somewhere. It's like on the coffee table or... Where the hell is it? Why don't you try looking in your blankets there, smart guy? What the hell is it doing? Why would it be in my... Oh, my God, it's in my blanket. Yeah

Do you think maybe you were rolling on it all night With your big fat ass Oh my god I think I see what you're saying You get it? Yeah, I've got a haunted ass man Oh my god my ass is haunted Oh my god I'm so scared of my own ass

What am I gonna do? You're riding down the Harland Highway Get out of here, boom Or how about Do you have an ice maker in your freezer In your freezer fridge unit? Oh my God I got to be honest. Talk about being terrified.

I've stayed in a couple of places where I could hear the ice maker from the bedroom, okay? And ice is hard and it's loud and it crunches and you've all heard those ice makers and those freezers, man. They make some racket. When those cubes have formed and they get pushed out of the way, they kind of bang around in the fridge. How many of you at three in the morning have just been laying there and all of a sudden you hear like some banging and creaking and crunching from another room and you forget, you can't put together, you can't fathom that it would be an ice maker machine. And it is, I'm telling you, I've had a few nights where I've just shot up in bed, sat up sweating, and I'm like,

oh my God, there's someone in the house. And all I wish is that I had a baseball ball. bat beside my bed and I'm like oh great here's me creeping down the stairs to confront someone wandering around and as you're thinking that all of a sudden you hear it again you hear the crinking and the shuffling and the banging and you're like oh my god and then finally it dawns like you you sneak down you creak down the stairs you're standing there there's like no one there and all of a sudden it happens and you whirl and you smash the crap out of your fridge you bang it with the baseball bat over and over and over and over. And then you realize it was just the ice maker,

and now you need a new fridge. But at least after that strenuous workout of beating your freezer fridge to a pulp, you're able to quench your sweat by rubbing the ice all over your forehead that's scattered on the floor from the freezer you busted open. great well that's the end of the freezer

and guess what that's also the end of this podcast so sad so sad to end it on such a haunting and violent note but nonetheless we do have time constraints here I'd like to thank Captain Kirk

for using up a bunch of our time why he keeps sneaking into my studio I don't know but thanks to you You mostly folks, friends and folks alike, for joining in, for visiting the Harland Highway. Love having you here. Hope you having a good time. Tell your friends, for God's sakes. Quit hog in this podcast. Let them know that there's fun to be had in podcast world right here on the Harland Highway. And there's also fun to be had in Las Vegas if you're around Las Vegas tonight, Friday night and tomorrow night, Saturday night,

10 and 11. I will be doing stand-up comedy at the Palms Casino. Come on by, have a laugh. Enjoy the show. You can go to harlun-Williams.com. Check my stand-up schedule for all the pertinent info. And I hope to see you there. Also, check out Harlan-Williams.com.

Check out the merchandise store. My book, The Things You Don't Know, You Don't Know, is on. sale, amongst other fun things, videos, DVDs, CDs, artwork, T-shirts, all kinds of fun stuff. And that's it, man. That's all we have time for today. I'm doing it all for you, Damien. I hope you had a good time.

Thanks again. And until next time, my friends, keep it here on the Harlan Highway and chicken. Chow May, baby. Look at me, Damien. It's all for you. Oh! Oh! Oh!