The Harland Highway - PODCAST 282

Episode Date: June 15, 2011

Strange driving hazards, you're grounded, Starbucks, coffee, hobbies, Shaving hazards, Apple products. Lumpy lemon lump cakes!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Holy hand creams, Batman. Yeah, that's right. Holy hand creams. It's the Harland Highway. Welcome aboard, everybody. Put on your seatbelts. What a show. Hello, I'm Harlan Williams.

Glad you could join. Thanks for coming along for another ride down the Harland Highway. And we have some interesting topics today. Speaking of a driving hazard that you hope, hopefully haven't had the bad fortune of running into it happened to me the other day it's a sticky one to say the least um we're going to be getting into that uh we're going to be talking about being grounded have you ever been grounded when was the last time you were grounded and did you remember how being grounded affected your life we're going to be talking about hobbies people

with weird hobbies uh what are your hobbies and we're going to be talking about hobbies and we're going to be talking about coffee, Starbucks. Mm-hmm. That's one guy's hobby that we're going to be getting into. Shaving, we're going to be talking about shaving, gentlemen, shaving that stubble on your face and how much it hurts. And then as Apple, the Apple Computer Corporation, keeps unveiling new products,

we're going to talk about how far is Apple going right here on the Harland Highway. Welcome to the Harland Highway. You fellas been doing a bit of booze and have you? Sucking back on Grandpa's old cough medicine. There's an element of uncontrolled chaos. The Harlan Highway. Serving everyone from presidents and kings to the scum of the earth. What a treat.

Oh, wait, was you great good fat person? You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. You need many years of therapy. Hey, Harlan. It's Stephanie from Bedford. Just do me You might want to think twice

Before sticking your penis in there Just do me You're riding down the Harland Highway With Harland Williams Okay guys You ever have to do this You let your beard You let your stubble grow out

Just a little bit too far You know there's that cool stubble Where it's like really close to your chin And it just looks like it's kind of dark but then you let it grow out and it's it's kind of a quarter of a way between stubble and being a beard and you go to shave it with your electric razor turn it on you think everything's going to be fine but the hairs are too long and instead of getting trimmed off they just get pulled out one by one yeah not fun it's it's kind of

like using a hedge trimmer with a dull blade. Trimmed through a hedge and you get to a stick that's a little too thick and the hedge trimmer just kind of like gnawing at it. It's kind of peeling away the bark and kind of getting halfway through but it never fully does it. Well, imagine that. Imagine that with an electric shaver. Just kind of half cutting and half ripping the little hairs right out of your face.

Oh! So be careful, guys. You know, don't go over that, like, two-day limit or that three-day limit, because if you do, you're opening up a world of pain, baby. You might as well get a hedge trimmer or a chainsaw out, man. Sweet pain. You can only imagine what George Michael must go through week after week. Well, let's not imagine what George Michael goes through week after week.

Let's just keep it in a civil place. here on the Harland Highway. Yeah! Okay, forget about the beard deal. Okay, here's something that freaks me out even more. Oh, this is, this should be illegal. Forget about texting will you drive

and talking on your cell phone when you drive. Have you ever had the privilege? It's so bad, it's funny. Have you ever had the distaste? privilege of being behind someone who's at the wheel driving and they're kind of weaving all over the place and they're kind of veering towards the curb and all of a sudden they snap the wheel and come back out just before they make contact with the curb and you're like what the hell are they doing up there and you're like I can't drive behind this person they're

dangerous so you pull up you accelerate you get beside them and you look over only in America. You look over and they're eating ice cream from Dairy Queen or Baskin Robbins or wherever, not in a cone, but out of a dish. Have you ever seen that? They're holding the dish in one hand. They're kind of steering their car with their elbows. They've got a little pink spoon in their other hand.

and they've got a cup of frozen Baskin Robbins or a banana split, and somehow they thought it would be a good idea to drive a vehicle and eat a dairy treat at the same time. And I tell you, if you think watching drunk drivers weave all over the road is a sight to behold, get a load of fatty McGinty chomping down, on a double scoop cup of mint chocolate chip ice cream and trying to drive her Volvo down the road. It is terrifying. It happened to me the other day. I'm behind this person, okay? And they're kind of jerking all over and I'm like, okay, they're texting. I pull up aside sure as shrimp. There's, and I'm just going to tell you what I saw.

I'm not trying to be, you know, make fun of people, but it was a big, fat woman, not the most attractive. Looked like your typical, like, redneck trailer park type girl. You know, the bun pulled back and fat and the blouse. Oh, man. Like, couldn't be more, looked like a female Louis Anderson, okay? and she's steering the wheel with her with her knuckle and her wrist and her elbow and her forearm and she's eating like a big globby bowl of ice cream and I'm like, good God.

And then it got worse, I got around her. I'm like, thank God I'm away from her. I take a right onto the ramp to go up onto the highway, you know, the highway where people drive over 80 miles an hour in just about every lane, right? The highway where you should probably focus and have both your hands on the wheel and remember that you're moving at a high rate of speed.

So I'm going up on the ramp and it's one of these ramps where there's a stoplight at the top of the ramp that goes red and green about every like four seconds. So that way they kind of moderate the flow of traffic going out onto the ramp. So I caught the red light. I'm sitting there waiting for it to go green.

Who pulls up beside me? Bingo McGee and her giant tub of chocolate and peanut butter of Baskin-Robbins ice cream treat. Bingo McGee and her peanut buster parfe are getting ready to go on to the friggin' highway during rush hour. I mean, good Lord, man. I'd feel safer if she was chugging back a bottle of Jack Daniels than to see the way she was driving and eating at the same time.

Oh, God, please, please people. Keep your hands on the wheel. Put the ice cream in your crotch till you get home. And then do what you got to do. Just stay off the Harlan Highway. with your dairy treats. You are grounded, mister. Yeah, that's right.

I'm talking to you. Don't you look away from me. You are grounded. And you too. You're grounded too. Both of you grounded. For the next... It's half an hour.

When was the last time you were grounded? Do people do that anymore? If you're too much freedom for the kids now? Last time I was grounded was when I was on an airplane and we hit some wicked turbulence and they had to ground it. Would that be nice if you could ground your boyfriend or your girlfriend? They're giving you a hard time. Why don't you ever take me anywhere?

Why don't we go anywhere nice for dinner? Why don't we shut up, you're grounded? What's that supposed to mean? You're not allowed to sass me for the next seven months. Seven months? All right, you just got eight. Why, what did I do? Because you sassed me.

And now you got nine. What are you talking about? You're grounded for nine months. What do you mean? I'm not allowed to sass you? That's ten right there. But all I said was that's 11. You're grounded.

But I want to go out for dinner. You're grounded for a whole. year young lady It's Harland Williams Oh yes remember that When you were a youngster getting grounded Can you think of one particular incident That really sticks out in your childhood

That might have even traumatized you I mean I'm sure we were all grounded many times For many things But was there that one time That one thing that really effed up your socializing or your routine or your dreams, your aspirations, your M.O. Oh, God, I'll never forget one I got, man.

Back where I grew up in Toronto, you know, it was Canada. We weren't privy to Disneyland and Disney World and Knottesbury Farm and Six Flags and Universal Studios. It was Canada, man. People log roll up there, okay? So I grew up in the biggest city in the country, which is Toronto, and what they would do, our version of Disneyland, was a fair called the Canadian National Exhibition, the C&E.

Okay? And this thing only opened for three weeks out of the whole year. They would take the last... two and a half weeks of August and like the first few days of September and this thing would go just right up until school was about to start for the kids and I'll tell you what man

every kid in Toronto just jonesed for that three weeks I mean we loved it it was the only game in town maybe the only game in the whole country and Canada is a big ass country They had the roller coasters and the haunted house ride and the, oh, they had the food and the ski ball and the games and just, it was great. I actually ended up having my first job there when I was 14, but that's another story.

And, you know, we looked forward to this deal all year long. And I guess the one grounding that I really got that really, really, really burned my bunions that really hurt, that really stung, was one year I got into trouble, I got into some mischief in the summer, I did a little vandalizing of somebody's property with my cousins. We were causing trouble. Keep in mind, we were probably, I think, you know, 11 or 12 at this point in time. and, you know, nothing major, but, you know, what we did wasn't cool,

and it was just before the C&E, the Canadian National Exhibition, and boom, my parents and my cousin's parents, my aunt and uncle, dropped the hammer on us. We got caught. We got caught, and we all got together. There was a big family meeting. It was my parents and my aunt and my aunt. and uncle and my two cousins and me and we're all sitting in the living room and there were tears and people were lying and people were trying to cover stuff up and you know my parents and their parents weren't buying it and we were just plain old busted so here comes our penalty this year

you will not be allowed to go to the cn the canadian national exhibition you're grounded and it was like a shot through the heart, man. I was just like, oh, like, you know, it was akin to your parents saying you're not having a birthday party. Or there's no Christmas. I mean, when you're a kid, there's certain dots on the calendar year where you just have to go. You love Christmas.

You love your birthday. You loved the C&E, man. And I got, I had a year where I got stripped. And that hurt. And here's what really hurt, okay? My cousins got the same penalty as I got. But here's the kicker. My cousin's parents were a little bit looser.

They played a mean game in the room. They were like, you're not going to the C&E, boys. And they put the fear of God in you. But then, like, two days would go by, and they're like, who cares? Go to the C&E. Whereas my parents were way sure. stricter and they're like, you're not going to, no, no, you're not going to that C&E. So cut to me not going to the C&E and my cousins prancing around on Ferris wheels and eating

cotton candy and going around on the roller coaster and getting touched in the haunted house and so that was my big grounding session that I had to endure. How about you? You know what? Maybe I won't even let you tell me. You know why? Because you're grounded. Okay, I'll never

coffee I like cheese. Damn. You can see free ice coffee every time I go in, which is every hour on the hour. Thank you very much. And occasionally on the half a bar. Uh-da-da-da-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta. Okay, I'll never understand this. But some dumb-ass kid is planning to travel around the globe.

His objective is to go to every Starbucks that's ever been made. So he wants to hit like 13,000 Starbucks globally. Okay, little does he know that Starbucks is putting up like 700 new Starbucks a day. So he's basically like a dog chasing his tail. He ain't never going to get to all the Starbucks because the minute he visits one and goes off to Egypt, there's going to be another one in China. And when there's another one, when he leaves China, there's going to be another one. in like Istanbul. And when he leaves Istanbul,

there'll be another one in New Jersey. So, dude, honestly, you know, pick another hobby, Domino's, or kite flying, or, you know, you collect hockey cards, you know, sit in a corner and put feathers on your face if you have to, okay?

It ain't happening with the Starbucks. The only thing you're achieving with the Starbucks thing, you're basically giving more money to Starbucks Because I figure every time you go to a Starbucks, you're going to buy yourself a coffee. So, have a nice trip, have a nice hobby, and when you get to the final Starbucks, make sure you ask them for a free cup. Because you're going to be completely broke and out on your ass, you silly caffeine junkie. You're listening to the Harlan Highway.

Okay, I've got to slow down. I'm talking too fast. I'm cranked up on coffee. Who am I kidding, man? You want to know a little secret about me? Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes? Yes. The answer is yes.

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I've had one sip of coffee. It's just one of those things where growing up, I heard people complaining about drinking coffee, and so I decided I would avoid the coffee problem and never drink it. So I've never had a coffee. I had one sip once by accident. I was shooting a scene in a movie. and I told my prop guy to put Coke in the coffee cup because I didn't drink coffee.

He forgot. He put real coffee in there, and I had the coffee in my mouth while film was rolling, and I didn't want to blow the scene, so I swallowed it. That is the only time I've ever had coffee in my mouth. But that being said, an odd hobby going around to all the different Starbucks, but people do stuff like that I saw documentary I forget what it's called

I think it was a movie called Food Inc or it might have been that movie that guy did about the McDonald's the guy that went on the diet eating McDonald's for like three months straight but in one of these documentary movies

they filmed the guy they documented a guy who every day yes, every day he and his wife would go to the McDonald's in their neighborhood and have a Big Mac every day and I think they were doing it for something like going on 16 or 18 years

something incredible and the guy was still skinny believe it or not. I guess if you have one a day it's not so bad but if you had a few a day but just amazing some of the odd hobbies that people have You know, some people like to collect specific dolls. Like some people will collect Barbie dolls

or they will only collect Mickey Mouse dolls or people have beanie babies or they collect little porcelain figures or people will collect frisbee's or surfboards, you know, hats, t-shirts. How about these guys that collect running shoes? You ever see these guys that have, like, seven million pairs of

Nike's and they almost treat them like their cars, their vintage cars, like, oh yeah, man, these are like the, you know, 1998 Air Jordans, you know? Yeah, they're blue and they're white.

You're like, okay, and well, I mean, you know, they're hard to find. Well, didn't they make like millions of them? well yeah but they're hard to find okay and why well what happens well you know people wear them and they wear up people throw shoes away okay big hint buddy i just don't know if there's a shelf life for uh you know vintage running shoes and i could be naive here maybe there is you know there's always a market for something but i don't know some of these guys some people with their

hobbies. They just like overdo it, man. They collect weird things. Or how about a guy like Jay Leno, you know, the host of the Tonight Show? There's a guy he collects automobiles. Okay, here's a guy that rents an airplane hanger at the Santa Monica Airport, him and Jerry Seinfeld, who also collects cars, and they fill these giant airplane hangers up with like very expensive antique vintage cars which i have to say at least a vintage car in good condition has some shelf value okay you can turn around and sell that for pretty penny hey man what do you got there uh i've got a uh 1962 vintage mint corvette stingray oh yeah how much uh three million dollars oh well

Wow, man. Well, listen, I got a pair of 1974 Adita tennis shoes. Any interest? How much? You know, $120? I'm going to pass. You know, it's like, good Lord. So I don't know.

Maybe you have a hobby you want to share. Give us a call. 888, 52090. What's your hobby? Hey, Harlan, it's me again. I know you know who this is, and I've been wondering, if you had to choose, would you choose not to have an arm or not to have a leg if you had to choose?

What would you do? Help us out. All right, man, love to show. Bye. God. I don't know. By the way, I love those random questions, those random thoughts. Bizarre. Just bizarre. Would I rather lose an arm or a leg or have an arm or a leg removed?

Something like that. Gosh. You know, I think I would probably rather have maybe an arm removed. Because with a leg removed, you're kind of like, it changes your whole mindset about getting around and walking around. It limits your ability to get around and move, whereas if you're missing an arm, even though you're missing an arm, you can still move around the way you always moved around. You can run, you can skip, you can hop, you can jump, you can kick, you can. You can go places, you can drive a car, whereas with an arm, you have two of them, and, you know, you could probably still do a lot of stuff. As long as I didn't lose, like, my arm that I did my writing with and my painting with and my throwing with and my punching with, you know.

Not that I'd want to lose either or, believe me, but since one of our listeners asked, and apparently I know. who he is. Hey, Harland. It's me again. I know you know who this is. Oh, yeah. It's the missing arm or leg question guy. That's who it is.

Okay. Good. I don't know. Like I said, maybe an arm. Okay? Maybe just leave me one arm so I can hang up on this weird, creepy collar. I know you know who this is. God, who is that guy?

It's me again. Okay, I'm using both my arms and both my legs to hang up the phone on you, weirdo. Goodbye. All right, man, love to show. Bye. Character, just a character. Weird, but I love it somehow. Thanks for the call.

Remember, you can always call me at 888-52090 with your probing questions. And here's a probing question. How many of you have, like, 20 million Apple devices, okay? Or as I call them, rectangles? How many rectangles do you have? And when I say rectangles, if you look at all our electronic devices, you know, our flat screen TVs, our laptop computers, our cell phones, our iPods, our iPads, they're all rectangles.

So I just simplify it now. And I go, where's my rectangle? Where's my mini rectangle, which is the iPod? Where's my medium rectangle? That's my iPhone. Where's my medium plus size rectangle? That's my iPad. Where's my rectangle, rectangle?

That's my laptop. So I've just got this whole collection of rectangles. and they aren't cheap. You got to give Apple credit for making us... We just keep buying the same product over and over, but it's a different size rectangle. They all kind of do the same thing, right? The iPod plays music, the iPhone plays the music,

the iPad lets you text and get emails, the iPhone lets you do it, the I-laptop, the iPad. So you buy all of them. I got the iPod, the iPhone, the iPad, the iBook, and guess what? I broke. Yeah, I broke, okay? Wow, they are marketing geniuses the way they just, you know, keep getting us to buy the same thing. I mean, what isn't there an I for?

I wonder if it's politically incorrect if you saw Cyclops. And you said, hey, man, you got the iPhone? Yeah, very funny. What? You got the iPad? Hey, very funny, man, okay? What's the matter, Cyclops? You got the eye book?

Look, you know I only have one eye, knock it off. Oh, yeah, sorry. I wonder if Apple will, you know, the way technology's going. Like, tell me I'm an idiot, but I'm really not. You know it's just a matter of time. time before they are going to be able to replace our eyes and put everything inside our eyeballs. And you know, here's my prediction.

I'm a forward thinker, okay? You can laugh, but if you're around or you put this podcast in a time capsule and someone plays it, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, why don't I say, I'm going to say anywhere between 60 and 120 years from now. Apple will have something called the I-I. Not to be confused with the tropical rainforest mammal that lives up in the trees, the I-I, which is a small like lemur monkey-looking thing.

No, I think Apple will one day be marketing eyeballs, all right, manufactured eyeballs that are loaded up with cameras and microchips and screens and information and somehow they will have invented all the stuff you have in your rectangles and loaded up in an eyeball and one of your eyeballs will be called an I-I. And by blinking through series of blinks,

you can control it, one blink, play music, two blinks go to email, three blinks, watch a movie. You know what I'm talking about? And at least then, if we have the eye-eye, it's no longer a rectangle. Now we have something that is a round shape. So at least we break that mold. But that's my prediction. You're laughing.

I'm willing to put money on it that one day, within the next 120 years, they will be inserting technology-filled eyes into our eye sockets. The I-I. Hey, man, I told you to stop talking about that stuff. Sorry, Cyclops. How about my eye finger? Right up yours, okay? Easy.

Okay, and now I, speaking of I, I am out of time is what I am. out of podcast time. We are at the end and, you know, you kind of ended on an appropriate note, I guess. I hope you had a good time. Please tell your friends about the Harland Highway.

Why do you hog it to yourselves, selfish? Sharing feels good. Sharing with other people feels good. So I want you to share your knowledge of the Harland Highway with you. your friends send them a link, guide them to the highway. And think about it. You'll be able to swap stories when you're out having a malt,

you're at a sock hop, or you're a bowling night. You can be like, hey, did you hear what went down on the Harland Highway last episode, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, and you can all have a laugh together. And then all your friends can all go, are they talking about a guy named Cinnamon Boy? Let's cut them out of our bowling league. Also, don't forget, you can catch me at the San Jose Improv coming up in the next few weeks. Please go to Harlow Williams.com. Click on my stand-up schedule, and you can get all the club information for the San Jose Improv.

Great club. It's in an old opera house, stellar, stellar facility. Check out Harland Highway at Stitcher.com. you can get the show on your cell phone and check out harlough williams.com go to our merchandise store where you can pick up all kinds of fun gifts including my book the things you don't know you don't know

and I do know we're out of time and so I will say goodbye thank you for being here and as always chicken chow Maine baby hey harland it's me again I know you know who this is.