The Harland Highway - PODCAST 283

Episode Date: June 17, 2011

Female terrorists, chocolate diet, cell phone loud mouths, Dr. Ascot, fast food horror, raunchy sex story, dangerous jobs. Buffalo snot meat!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, little sister, what have you done? It's a nice day for a podcast. Yeah, it is a nice day for a podcast. Hello. It's a nice day to talk about the things we're going to talk about, too. How about fast food horror stories? The horror of fast food. I've got an incredible sex story for you.

you, another one of my incredible sex capades. Way do you hear this one. You're not going to believe it. How many of you are dieting? And how many of you are on a chocolate diet? Yeah. Way do you hear this?

It's the new diet and it involves only eating chocolate? What are you kidding? We're going to touch on female terrorists. We're going to talk about crazy cell phone obnoxious people again once again um did i mention i'm going to be telling a

sex story another one of my crazy sex stories no i'm just peppering that in there um and then of course dr ascot is here today i've got to visit with him it's friday oh what a pain in the ass that is But it's all good. We're all going to feel better after we listen to the Harlan Highway. Welcome to the Harland Highway. You fellas been doing a bit of boozing, have you? Sucking back on Grandpa's old cough medicine. There's an element of uncontrolled chaos.

The Harland Highway. Serving everyone from presidents and kings to the scum of the earth. What a treat. Oh, wait. Was you a great big fat person? You just made a wrong turn. the harland highway you need many years of therapy hey harland it's stephanie from bed first just do me you might want to think twice before sticking your penis in there just do me

you're riding down the harland highway with harland williams suicide bomber with a bunch of TNT strapped to her chest. They all stare at her and say, wow, she's the bomb. Harland Williams. Okay, okay, thank you. Okay, maybe one of the cheesier ways to open the show with a cheesy gag. but speaking of explosions it happened again i was sitting in an airport okay and i know you're

probably getting sick of this story but i just got to keep hammering home to you people when you're on your cell phone in a public place the rest of the world doesn't want to hear your BS so here i am sitting in an airport once again and there's people all around you're sitting at your gate it's shoulder to shoulder and some old guy sitting in a across from me eating a banana talking on the phone as loud as could be yeah everything's okay yeah feel much better the diarrhea is gone and i'm not coughing and okay thanks buddy thanks for sitting there eating your banana and um you know talking to us about your exploding diarrhea great stuff just please people you know is that anything you know is that anything

that urgently needed to be expressed to anybody and wouldn't you be a little embarrassed if you had diarrhea? Wouldn't you want to wander off into a corner and whisper it? Yeah, the diarrhea is gone. And by the way,

who on the other end of a phone ever wants to hear about your exploding butt? I don't need any of my friends to call me and go, guess what, man, my diarrhea is gone. No way, really? tell me all about it. Okay, well, the other day I was squirting, you know, it's like, come on. This guy just talked about it like, you know, he just, uh, you know, was reading a roadmap.

Yeah, so my diarrhea's gone and my headaches have cleared up and, okay, thanks, buddy. How about how's that banana going for you? Get the feeling that diarrhea might be back in a few minutes? Yeah, probably, but... Oh, God. so for those of you that don't think of it that aren't aware of it next time you're on the phone in public take a little look around maybe hush your voice if you're talking about your period or your herpes or your diarrhea or your bowel cramps anything that we don't want to hear go go find a quiet area god all right well let's move on to some call i got to read this letter to you i love this

better. It was, it's very cool. It's very inspiring. It goes back to a letter I read a few shows back about people out there in the world listening to the Harland Highway. And I thought you guys would like to know, you know, because I think the majority of my listeners are North America, Canada, the United States, and I want you to know that the highway is stretching out across the rest of the planet. Listen to this. This is an email. mail from Carolyn Studney. Thank you, Carolyn. Great name.

The subject is Stockholm Syndrome. Dear Harland, I was recently in Stockholm, Sweden, alone on vacation, wanting to get away from it all. After several days, I had a bit of a meltdown, being thousands of miles away from friends and family. Lonely and homesick, wondering why I decided to run off to the other side of the globe, I curled up in my bed and listened to some of your podcasts. It was a little bit of home brought to me in Scandinavia.

With the help of the Harlan Highway and a couple of Xanax, I was able to relax, get up, and get out, and enjoy my stay in Europe. Thanks for bringing me a smile and a few laughs, Carolyn. Hey, oh! Hey, you know what? My pleasure, that's what it's all about. the Harlan Highway stretches all over the globe, under the ocean, over the mountains, through the volcanoes, and pass the banana patches.

So, Carolyn, thank you for your letter. Safe, happy travels. And, you know, try and alert some of our friends on the other side of the globe of the Harlan Highway. And just a great email. So keep on trucking. and we're going to keep on trucking right here on the Harlan Highway. My mom always said life was like a box of chocolates. Mmm, chocolate.

Do you want a chocolate? Mmm, chocolate. Mm, chocolate-y chocolatey chocolate. Give me some chocolate. Yeah. Okay, now this is ridiculous. Somebody somewhere, some scientists or some medical team or something, put out a study that apparently dark chocolate could be considered a health food. Can you just imagine all the fatties over at Weight Watchers chewing on chocolate?

Uh, honey, what are you doing? No, nothing, I'm dieting. Well, what are you doing with that chocolate bar? I told you, I'm dieting. Come on, man. Chocolate is a health food. Okay, what's next for a drink?

How about a bottle of syrup? Honey, what are you drinking? Nothing. It's just a bottle of log cabin syrup. Is there a problem? I'm trying to diet, for God's sakes. Do you mind if I dip my chocolate? My log cabin is.

syrup. Oh my god. Hey Jim, how's that pizza diacon? Oh, it's going pretty good. Found out I can put chocolate and syrup on my pizza, so that's really been helping out. These studies are crazy. Diet and exercise people, okay? I don't think the chocolate diet's going to get you over the It'll maybe create a hump right in your belly. That's about it. Isn't dieting just about the cruelest form of human torture we know? Forget about waterboarding and all that other nonsense. You know, it's got to be dieting, especially in America, man.

It's like, you can diet in your house. You can be like, okay, I've got control over this environment. I've got water in the fridge. Four oranges, a tub of cottage cheese, and some whole wheat rice noodles. And you eat carefully, you eat, you know, you monitor everything. You're like, oh, I'm counting my calories, and I'll eat one orange, and then I'll go do some work on my computer, and then at noon I'll have a rice noodle wrapped in an orange, and then I'll stop, drink some water.

You know, you have this whole routine, and then the minute you step outside, It's just like you're inundated with chips and popcorn and frozen yogurt and milkshakes and burgers and fries and, oh, it's like the whole world's ganging up against you. It's like, remember that old Snow White, that Walt Disney movie, Snow White? Remember? And she escapes from the evil witch's castle and she starts running through the forest. And it's nighttime and, like, the trees, they all kind of come alive. And the trees are like the branches come alive and they start bending over her and creating like a tunnel and the branches start kind of grabbing at her and they get caught on her dress and she trips and they squeeze her tighter and tighter. That's what it feels like when you go outside, man.

It just feels like the whole junk food world is creeping in around you. It's caving it around you. It's reaching out to get you with billboard. and advertisements on the side of buses and bus stops and billboards on walls and airplanes pulling banners. Eat them, Big Mac. It's just like, everything just crushing in on you, man. And then finally you get through the forest and you pass out

and seven midget elves pick you up. And you go, why are you guys so short? And they're like, because we don't eat enough junk food. Oh, God. so there you go i'm going to go get waterboarded to help cut back on my food consumption okay no i'm not going to get waterboarded i'm not going to it's bad enough i eat junk food why waterboard um let's let's move on to something a little more pleasurable okay i think you will really like this next story uh i don't normally share you know my sexual

exploits with the listeners, with you people, okay, that's private bedroom stuff, intimate stuff, okay? But that being said, this thing that happened to me was so out there, so completely sensual and erotic, I feel like I got to, I got to tell you, I'm out having drinks the other night with some friends, you know, and you ever been in one of those situations where you're having drinks and one of your buddies invites like kind of a rogue like person he knows her but nobody else at the table knows her it's like a buddy of his and so it was it turned out to be this gorgeous brunette i mean you know she she she was i think he said she she worked in the administrative section for some oil company or something and we talked for a little bit and

she was really smart and kind of charming and funny and I was just delighted and on top of it real easy on the eyes and she had one of those like white blouses on maybe she had just come from work and it was kind of open a little bit at the top I mean you couldn't see anything but you could see the cleavage and she'd been stirring her drink with her fingers and she put the straw to her mouth and a drop of water kind of hit the top of her cleavage and we both just kind of stopped our conversation and looked at it. And I was just like, uh, and then before we could say anything, it just kind of trickled down in between her cleavage,

and her skin was kind of that nice tanned olive color. And she just gave me this look with your big blue eyes, and she had this incredible, like, red lipstick on. And she goes, oh, my, that's embarrassing. thing and I go, gosh, yeah. And she goes, how would you like to come to my apartment and dry me off? Okay? I know.

Hard to believe, right? So check it out. Let me fast forward. Here we are at her apartment. She puts the key in the door, opens the door before I can walk in. She turns around and in the hallway, grabs my belt, unbuckles the top, buckle, rips it back. We interrupt our program to bring you this important message.

Hi, this is Harlan Williams asking for your vote to become the next president of the United States of America. Hi, folks, I'm Harlan Williams, a Canadian with American citizenship. and I'm looking to be the first Canadian president of the United States of America. If elected your president, all mountains and large hills will be flattened down. Space shuttles will now run red-eye flights between Los Angeles and Boston. Walt Disney will be renamed Walt Suck My Granny's Fart Bubbles. I'm Harlem Williams and I approve this message. Harlem William for president.

Now let's go boil some ass. now back to our show pulls my pants up puts my belt back on whispers in my ear and says no need to sleep over but why don't you be back here

tomorrow night at 8 o'clock so I can do it again hey everybody who wants to have better sex no yes yes the answer is yes you always want to have better sex that's what you want it to be better, not worse, trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus

free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority, plus 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy, all will be packaged and sent discreetly for free and fast. Don't wait. Better Sex is just a click away. That's 50% off, one item, and free shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harlan to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount

and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Can you believe that happened to me? Unbelievable, man. I mean, I just had to share that with you. That is the fantasy stuff that most guys dream of and it happened to me. so and I'm not trying to rub it in your face or anything but it's just such a phenomenal ex you know sex exploit that I wow anyways enough of that I feel like I'm bragging or something let's get right back to the show

Harlan, there's a little bird. He keeps talking to me when I open a refrigerator, who says? See a bad, day, day, look at, look at the fridge again. See? Look at, I open the fridge again. I'm closing the fridge. I'm turning on the Harlan Highway. silly listener

um wow well you know sometimes in life we make mistakes this could have been a big one uh to this caller wow i hate to break it to you um guy but that wasn't a bird in your fridge okay that was a drop yeah that was that was a riff That was a, well, you know what? Just listen. Listen to it, dropped in to these songs,

and know that in your fridge lives one of the hottest new drops on the club scene in the world. Congratulations. Oh, yeah, this party just getting started, player. Uh-huh, that's right, that's right, boy, d'all, d'all, d'all, d'all, d'all, d'all, d'all, d'all, b'all, uh-huh, that's right. Give me a little James Brown. So you hang on to that little treat sitting in your fridge right next to the butter and the cheese whiz because what you have there, my friend, is nightclub gold.

Ah, yes, just looking for ways to help my listeners. And if you want to drop me a phone message, you know the number 888-500-2090. I wonder what the hell's in your fridge. And speaking of fridge, this is a guy I'd like to stuff in a fridge and put on ice for the rest of eternity, but I can't. It's the second Friday of the month. Oh, God. I've already feeling my blood pressure go up. I've got to do my on-air therapy session with Dr. Ascott.

The powers that be that run my podcast think I'm a loose cannon. So they insist that in order to, you know, avoid any litigation or any type of trouble with the podcast, that they make it perfectly clear that I am getting mental help on the air where everyone can see. at full disclosure, they call it. Everyone can hear it. It's just embarrassing to me. I don't know if I trust this guy's credentials. Let's get it over with

my therapy session with Dr. Ascott. God. Hello, Walland. Hello, Dr. Ascott. Hello, Holland. I just said, hello, Dr. Ascott. Hello, Walland. Why are you saying it over and over?

It's always friendly to greet someone, Holland. Well, we just greeted each other. Why three times? As Lionel Ritchie once said, Holland once, twice, three times a lady, Holland. What does that even mean, and it's Lionel Ritchie, not Lionel Rinchie or whatever you said? Holland. And stop calling me, Aarland.

Arland. What are we doing, Dilweed? Arlund. What are we doing today, Dr. Ascot? Arland, today I thought we dip into your family tree, Arland. My family tree? Yes, Arland. Many of the secrets, the mysteries, and the traumas are hidden in our past, Arland.

Okay, I guess that's a valid. statement coming from you. Holland. Well, it rings true. I got to be honest. All kinds of psychological problems come from our past. Exactly, Arland. And that's why I want to get into your family tree today, Arland.

Okay, you know what? That could almost be interesting. Excellent, Arlen. I'm glad you're open to exploring your family tree. Yeah, you know what? I think I could find some interesting things. Maybe I didn't know. Where are you going?

Never mind me, Alan. I'm just going to the closet. Continue talking. Oh, well, you know, there might be some relatives, some relations in my... What is that you're pulling out of the closet? Keep talking, Holland. There might be some people in my family's history

that I had no knowledge of that maybe... What in the hell is that? Holland, it's a piece of your family tree, Holland. What are you talking? That looks like a giant tree branch. Exactly, Holland. A family tree branch. Are you insane? That looks that there's pine cones on that thing and pointy pine needles. That's like a, that thing's like 12 feet long. Exactly, Arland. Some people have a very long family tree, and I'm suspecting you do as well,

Holland. Okay, I get it. It's a symbolic thing, right? Exactly, Alan. Now, start talking about some of the members of your family. Will I bring the family tree closer to you? Okay, well, there was my great-great-grandfather, will you... Ow! Ow! Oh, what are you doing? Oh! Holland, hold still, will I rub the family tree on your face? Ow! Oh! Get it off! Idiot! Get it off! What's the matter, Arland? I've got pine needles sticking out of my face. It looks like I was hit by a porcupine.

Let me... Ow! Ow! Now I've got to pull these things out one by one, you moron! Ow! Ohland, sometimes our family's history hurts. And that's the lesson today. Keep talking about your family, Arland.

No, because I know what you're going to do. You're going to rub that tree branch in my face. again. Holland. Families can cause pain, Holland. Don't even think about it, Ascot.

Holland, who else is in your family? Okay. There was my aunt Azalea on my mother's side. Ow! Idiot! I've got pine cones on my eyes. Ah, the sap. It burns.

That's right, Arland. Feel your family's pain, Arland. Oh, get it out of my face! Oh, stop whipping me with the tree! Ow! Alland, here's one for your granddaddy. Ow!

Here's one for grandmama. Ow! Here's one for your stupid sisters. Ow, ow, ow, ow! Get out of here! I wasn't finished, Alland. I still have to shove your cousins in your face and rustle them around. I have 14 cousins.

You're not... Get that stupid brand. branch out of here. We're looked at the end, Arland, and the hornet's nest hanging in the family tree. A what? The hornet's nest here. Ow!

Ow! Get them off! Ow! Ow! Ow! Where did you go, Arland? Holland. Come back, Holland. I have Paul Bunyan here.

He wants to rub your shoulders. Holland. Holland. I hate getting pulled over. Remember the old days you get pulled over? There was that nice soft siren. It was like, whew! You just slide over to the side.

Now they sneak up behind you. They got that... Whoa, boop-poo-boop-poo-boop-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poh. What the fuck am I supposed to do, man? Wait for Curley from the Three Stooges to walk up to my window and poke me in the eyes. It's Harland Williams. Oh, yeah, snuck a little stand-up in there at the end. A little bit of the old stand-up routine, the most dangerous job in the world, stand-up comedy.

Have you ever heard that? That most people, their biggest fear in life is public speaking. and many people consider stand up a dangerous job, not in a physical sense, but just in a psychological sense, I guess. And you know what? I have to agree. It can be damn terrifying. Do you have a dangerous job? Well, here's something, I don't know.

I read that this crab-catching thing, is dangerous. You know, the biggest, the deadliest catch thing? And so I put a piece together on what they are calling the most dangerous job in the world. Here we go. Hey, it's Harlan Williams here,

and you're listening to the Harland Highway. Is your job dangerous? Have you been watching this show The Deadliest Catch on A&E? or the Discovery Channel or something. They're claiming apparently the most dangerous job in the world is crab fishing. The concept of the show is these guys go out off the coast of Alaska,

and they go out in the turbulent seas, and they pull up crabs. And I guess they're trying to make it exciting. And, oh, look, they've pulled up some more crabs. And then five minutes later, Oh, my God, look. They pulled up. What do they got? Oh, crabs.

I mean, is it really that crazy to do fathers leave for work? Honey, I'm off to work. Oh, no. Please don't go. Honey, I have to go. No, I'm never going to see you again. The children are never going to see their daddy. Honey, I've got to get crab meat to red lobster.

No, don't do it. I want you to melt the butter while I'm gone, because when I come back, we're going to have delicious succulent crab legs. Oh, my God, hurry, go, go. Oh, I can't wait until you get home with the crab meat. Oh. I mean, what about race car driving and construction work?

And how about the guy that detonates bombs for the bomb squad? You think that guy's sneaking up to a bomb and in the back of his head? He's like, well, I've got to detonate this bomb for the Bob Squad, but thank God it's a bomb and not a crab. Oh my God, can you imagine if it was a crab? Yeah, I'll tell you what the most dangerous job in the world is, being right here as host of the Harland Highway. Oh, my God. What's that under my desk? Oh, my God. Oh, back. Keep away. Keep away. C Crab! Crab!

Crab! A! CLEF! Yeah. I'm a firefighter. Thank God I don't go out for crabs. I'm a stuntman. I drive motorcycles over cliffs.

But thank God I don't catch crabs. I'm a tightrope walker. I walked across Niagara Falls. on a strand of thread in my bare feet. And I think from my vantage point, I could see crabs down below me in the water. Thank God I wasn't down there, grabbing them and picking them up in the traps

because that's much more dangerous. Oh, boy. All right, well, speaking of dangerous work, dangerous work, going back to stand-up comedy being dangerous. how about this if you want to see me in the danger zone how about June 23rd 24th and 25th at the San Jose Improv the San Jose Improv in San Jose California you can go to harlom williams.com click on my stand-up schedule get all the info would love to see you up there going to be doing like an hour-long show just bringing it Bring in the danger.

Bring in the crabs. No, I don't have crabs. What am I saying? Don't forget you can pick up the show on Stitcher.com. There's a free app there for your cell phone. Not to mention we have the Harland Highway Harlandwilions. com merch store where you can pick up T-shirts, DVDs, books, things of the like. and that's it.

That's all we got for today, folks. I hope you had a Wundaba time. Love it that you're riding along with me. Hope we're putting a smile on your face, your big happy face. And that's it. That's all I got. I'd tell you to go get some crab,

but I've got to say, till next time, chicken chow-may, baby. Day, day. You be dead, day, day, day, day, day. They're dead, day, day. Oh, yeah.