The Harland Highway - PODCAST 284

Episode Date: June 20, 2011

A special musical guest today, my cousin from the Barenaked Ladies, Kevin Hearn. Sweet glorious onion melts!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hello, baby. Hello, everybody. This is me. Me. You can't figure out who it is. It's me, Harlan Williams. Your host, right here on the podcast with my actual name in it. It's the Harland Highway, and I'm your host, Harlan Williams.

And what a show we have today. What a treat. Have fun. And this is a cat that's been on the highway before. It's a musician. He's in a prominent rock band. He works with all kinds of people in the music industry. And I've known him my whole life.

Or better yet, he's known me his whole life because I'm older than him. So there was a segment of my life where I didn't even know. No, he existed. And I'm not going to tell you who it is just yet, but a lot of fun, a lot of fun stories. We're going to share. We're going to be doing the Harland Highway animal quiz later on in the show. And lots of laughs to be had, including some weird body parts that you've never heard of before.

So here we go. Put your helmet on. It's the Harland Highway. Welcome to the Harland Highway. You fellas been doing a bit of booze and have you? Sucking back on Grandpa's old cough medicine. There's an element of uncontrolled chaos. The Harland Highway.

Serving everyone from presidents and kings to the scum of the earth. What a treat. Oh, wait. Was you a great big fat person? You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. You need many years of therapy. Hey, Harlan.

It's Stephanie from Bedford. You might want to think twice before sticking your penis in there. Just do me. You're riding down the Harland Highway with Harland Williams. Yeah, that's right. I'm doing dramatic theme music, because you are on the Harlan Highway. Oh, I got a special, special guest in today. How often do I have my family on the damn podcast? Well, this guy's actually been on quite a few times.

You'll probably know him. He's here. It's my cousin, Kevin Hearn. Hi, Kev. Hi, Har. How are you, kid? I'm pretty good. Pretty good myself.

Good. Good to have you here, man. What a treat. You've been on the old Harlan Highway before. Yep, it's been a while. Good to be back. Awesome, buddy. Awesome.

How you been? What's going on? What's the latest and the greatest? Well, you know how I'm a musician and I've been playing music. Now, tell the folks. A lot of them probably know, but you have four bands. You're with. Let me, can I list them?

Sure. All right. He's with the baronet. good ladies okay and then he's got his own band called thin buckle and then he's working with lou reed the famous lou reed and then your most important band the cousins which is me and you yes at the bottom of the pile i don't know why i put let me do that again he's in the cousins No, he's Kevin Hearn. He's a very talented musician extraordinaire.

And you do everything, man. You play the instruments, you sing. Har, I'm just waiting for the cousin single to hit the top of the charts. He-hee! We can just do the cousins. Oh, God, don't tease me. I've been bugging you to do that for years. Don't lie to me.

You've been resisting. Just so, you know, me and Kevin have a kind of a hobby band, I'd call it, right? Sure. And it's called the cousins because we're cousins and me. And banned in quotation marks. Yeah, band definitely in quotation marks. How about just the end and the D? We're like an, mm.

We haven't really earned. We haven't really earned the B and the A. Or if you took the N out, we're just bad. Yeah, and we don't even have the Y on hobby. We just have hob. We're a hobbad. That's what we are. We are probably one of the world's best hobbads.

But we've been doing this kind of hobby band thing for a while. And, you know, why don't we plop a song in right now, right out of the gate? Should we plop a cousin's song in so they know what we're talking about? Sure. All right, here we go. I don't know what it is. We're going to dig around in the vaults. Hope you like it.

Kev, why don't you throw to one of our song? Here they are, those singing sensations, the cousins. This is a lonely love song to Kathy. song to Kathy I've cried thinking of your wife to Kathy

I've cried many nights thinking of your wife to Kathy when I met you in that donut shop over a double-double and French crueller told me that I was the only one in your life your lonely, miserable life. Dear Kathy, you should have told me

You should have warned me, lying beside you lying beside you in your king's-eyed men rolling over at midnight

and seeing that extra head you said I was a lover a man who's really nice for do

do Dear sweet Kathy, I'd never be as good as your wife, dear Kathy. Oh, and we're back. We are back. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. They are as bad as we said they were at the beginning. But we're proud of it, and we have fun, and we don't care. So to all my listeners, up yours. It's so bad it's good, right?

Yeah, it's so bad it's good. And I didn't really mean the up yours. But if you want to give them one, you can because you're a guest. Well, I'll wait for the letters to come in, see what they thought. All right, let's get on with it. I'm glad you're here. It's my cousin, Kevin Hur. We're going to have a fun time.

We're going to shoot the breeze. And then at the end of the show, Kevin knows his nature pretty good. So we're going to do a world-famous Harland Highway nature quiz with Kevin. And we'll see how good he really is. But in between then and now, let's get to some deep probing family style, cousin style, intellectual artist style, whatever questions. ready kev okay question one do you like nursery rhymes yes awesome and what's your favorite nursery rhyme of all time uh the first one that pops into my mind is humpty dumpty oh really how's that one go refreshed my memory humpty dumpty sat on a wall yeah humpty dumpty had a great fall yeah all the king's horses and all the king's men

I couldn't put Humpty together again. That's kind of a perverted name. What? Humpty Dumpty. To me, that just reminds me of a fat guy that likes to do it rear end style. Humpty. I'm going to hump you in your dumpy. God.

But it's an egg. Yeah, that's even weird. What's an egg sitting on a wall for? What is he retarded? You're an egg, dude. What are you doing up on a wall? you fall you're gone well he's a bad egg

he's a dumb ass he's like a tard egg what the hell's wrong with him well you don't have to worry about him anymore didn't he actually did fall off didn't he well that's what it says he had a great fall he had a great fall

were you not listening how great can the fall when it's like it's like you're dead and the wall was only like what like nine feet high Well, they don't mean great, like, awesome. They mean great, like, we had a big fall. Yeah, but again, the wall wasn't that high if I remember some of the illustrations. But then again, do you have an egg I could borrow?

I do, yes. Let me just open my fallopian tubes and get one for you. Here, have a dozen. You got your surgical gloves on? God, disgusting. so wait a minute the king's men who the hell of the what king the king of eggland the king of egg land yes and they came along and they put them back together how do you put an egg but you stuff all that yolk and that milky white garbage into a shell i think it's

all in between the lines because perhaps the king's men could have done it but they also had the king's horses in there trying to do it so how do you have a horse put an egg back yeah nice job putting a horse together back with your hoofs too bad the king didn't have some raccoons so they just got a walked over and ate the fat guy that fell off the wall what about that one peter peter pumpkin eater had a wife and couldn't keep her stuck in his thumb and pulled out a plum peter peter pumpkin eater is that how it goes no i think you missed you You're meshing some up there. All right.

Well, either way, who has a wife and he can't keep her? And then who sticks his thumb and a pie and pulls out a plum? Who wrote these things, man? It must have been back in the days when they were like just getting going with acid and hallucinogens. Are there any other ones before we move on? There once was a man. Oh, that's a limerner. How's that one go?

Once was a man from Nantucket. Yeah. Who is, I don't remember the rest. Does it rhyme with Nantucket? Yeah. Yeah, I think I know this one. We'll just move on. Have you ever stepped in dog crap?

Yep. What was the worst time you remember stepping in dog crap? You know, I didn't step in it, but our dog taffy jumped up on the counter and ate a whole tub of margarine. Oh, my God. And I had the pleasure of walking her later that day. Oh. And I'll never forget the dog turned she did.

It was just runny and neon orange. Oh, God. And she picked a busy street corner to do it on like Young and Bowwood. Wow. So it was like Orange Julius coming out of her, But yeah and then my sister Kathy was on the she crossed the street and was laughing at me because I was holding the leash like hey everybody who wants to have better sex no yes yes the answer is yes you always want to have better sex that's what you want it to be better not worse trust me

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So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping. Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. couldn't escape. Oh, God, a margarine quaff or whatever it is. Ooh. Yeah. I remember there was a guy in our neighborhood, this guy named Mr. Lowry. And he had two kids, and we were kids, and he took us down to the park.

There was a park at the end of our street. Havenbrook Park. Yeah. And he had back in those days, this was in the 70s. And he had a pair of those, like, the leather, like, zip-up boots that, like, Captain Kirk War or Elvis, you know. They're like the black leather and they came up to your ankles

and there's a zipper that comes up the side of your ankle. You know, they're like the monk. Remember the monkeys? Kind of like those go-go boots, you know, but men would wear them. And we were down in the park playing frisbee or something. And it was all these kids and he was the only adult.

And he had on these like black go-go boot. And next thing, you know, he was just like limping around on one leg, it just smeared with like St. Bernard crap or something. Just to remember, it's like, you know, in nature when you see an animal with a wounded leg and they start limping around, it's like, for some reason, he felt like he couldn't put his foot back down on the planet Earth.

It ruined his boots. Oh, God. You know, then you have to go into, you have to figure out how to deal with it. You get a stick and then scrape it off, or you go to the corner of the, uh, corner of the sidewalk curve and scrape it up yeah it ain't easy getting that dog poo off the shoe is it no god that's true you gotta you gotta find an old twig and then you're scraping poo with a twig and then the twig breaks and your hand like and it always gets wedged between the heel that little wedge and the arch right between the heel and the flat part that just becomes like a like a poo filler

in there? Oh, yeah. And then you're right. And then you go to the curb and you scrape it on the curve and you leave like 17 skid marks along the curve. All the right in front of someone's house. Look, what the hell is that people looking out there? Is that guy scraping dog crap on our curb? Get the hell out of here.

Unbelievable. Yep. So you're a musician. We established that early. We played a song early. So I got to ask you. I don't know if that was proof. Yeah, that wasn't proof, but that was a hint, maybe.

Yeah. But what is your favorite, favorite, favorite, favorite, favorite, favorite, favorite, favorite, favorite, favorite, favorite, favorite, favorite, favorite, favorite, come on. Ha, it's got to be one. That's a tough one, Harrod. I know it is. I'm asking you to dig. Dig deep. Dig deep.

Well, there's certainly songs that have added. impact on my life growing up that I still love today. What's one of the top ones if you can't pinpoint the exact one? Well, I always loved a song called In My Life by the Beatles. Got to get you into my life. No, no, no. What? There are places I remember.

What a great song. Oh, yeah, I was doing earth, wind, and fire. Got to get you into my life. sorry but yeah there are places I remember and then what's the next lyric all my life though some have changed yeah now why did that surprise me why does that song stick with you what because you know you said you heard it when you were a kid and yet that song kind of indicates it's more about the long journey there are places I remember remember you're four years old how many damn places have you been how did that song play into

your uh yeah i was a big beatles fan and that was one of the songs i loved and as you get older it just gets more and more poignant still gives me uh shivers does it really does it shiver your timbers what do you what what is it about it though what what is like the lyrics or the lyrics the melody but crazy little piano solo in the middle i always like the joy George Martin did. Who's George Martin? George Martin produced pretty much all of the Beatles records. He produced, and yet he played on it, too?

He played on them. He did a lot of their string arrangements. Really? Yeah, really a guiding light, actually, in all of their music. So maybe almost like an invisible secret beetle we didn't know about. He's sort of known as the fifth beetle. No way. Yeah.

See, I didn't even know this. George Martin. George Martin, and he played strings and piano? He did all the string arrangements. He did piano. Yeah. Really? He was heavily involved in everything they did.

Was he older than the rest of the guys? Yes, he was. Was he American or British? British. Huh, how much older was he? Gosh, well, when they started, I imagine they were just around in their 20s. But what was? Was he?

He was probably already in his late 30s, 40s. So he's like this mystery guy who might have been responsible for part of the genius. Well, he's a mystery to you, but most people know him and I'm the dumbass. Great, great. This really turned out good for me, really good. There are conversations I remember. I wish I'd never got into. Okay.

um this one's a little more morbid but it has to be asked what do you want to be buried in look we all got a coming kid we all got it we all got he had it coming mister we all got it he didn't deserve it yeah that what was that from from uh deserves got nothing to do with it deserve and's got nothing to yeah great did you see true grit yeah did you like that no did you Yeah, I just watched it on the plane last night. I wanted to love it, man, but you know what? It was like, let me break it down, and then we'll get back to the question. But true grit, I go to see it, and first of all, I didn't like the girl.

It's like you got to think about where this all have the wild, wild, wild, it's called the Wild Wild West, okay? Yeah. You get an apple pie-faced, 13-year-old girl walking into town, okay, who, A, is good-looking. B starts lipping off to everybody. C starts throwing legal jargon around. You think they're not going to like just kick her in the face and like, you know, totally annihilate a kid like that? This kid walks into town like she's the mayor of Greenwich Village or something.

And then there was really no tension to me. The movie built and built until we finally meet the criminal, Josh Brolin. and she meets him in a river, she shoots them, and then cut to them sitting around a campfire, chit-chatting. Yeah, and he told her how to cock her gun. Yeah, and it just felt,

and she was sitting there talking to him like they were at Starbucks, and I'm like, why aren't you upset? This is the guy that killed your father. She's just like, it was so casual. I think they, I don't know, it just laid an egg for me. Yeah. Well, good to know. Did you like it?

I liked some of the scenery. I liked some of the shots. Yeah, and I don't know. The jury's still out for me on it. I did like the scenery. I like some of the shots. I actually love Jeff Bridges. But the whole thing is a tight story.

It just kind of fell off the wall like Humpty Dumpty and nobody put it back together again. now buried we all got to go we all got to die we all got to be laying in that coffin in that last moment we got to be wearing something what are you going to wear oh i had thought about it i know that's why i'm asking it you got to be ready you got to be you know you don't want to disappoint the fans you don't want to be have egg on your face i'm leaning towards cremation i think really so i guess that asbestos suit you bought is out of the question. Well, before you get cremated, though,

they have these morbid things. They're called viewings, and people come and see you lay there like a stiffy and cry on you and touch you and pat your dead forehead. Yeah, just a nice suit then. How about that? Is that what you want?

Why are you going to, you know? You're going to like the way. way you look. I guarantee it. The guy from men's warehouse shows up. I've never thought about it. Well, you're an eclectic guy. You're like an artist. You like art. You like fashion. I mean, I just thought maybe you would have something special planned. Well, hopefully I've made my statement by then, and I don't have to do it with what I wear in my coffin.

Right, but I mean, just as a, you know, maybe forget about doing it for anyone else. Maybe I'd like to see you in something fun. How about that? Can you do it for me, please? Sure. How about a purple track suit? I love it. That's all I needed to hear.

Let's move on. Have you ever made out with a chick with hairy nipples? Oh, not that I know of. Well, you'd know it. Why? Well, you'd know you'd feel it. Have you ever had like a hairy lorax nipple in your mouth? Well, that's not making out.

That's kissing someone's breast. Well, that's what I'm getting at. Have you ever run across hairy nipples? You would remember, please. I think you have. Not hairy nipples, no. Well, what kind of nipples? Something was odd.

Wait, just the way you're the inflection. No, not hairy nipples, but clearly something else. What the hell kind of nipples have you been into, kid? Oh, no, what was there? No, no. What was it? All I mean is that perhaps, you know, you kiss someone and then they are a bit more hairy than you suspected. Wait, their nipple?

No, just in general. What do you mean? It's not like they have facial hair. you're talking about down below or you know anywhere yeah facial hair you made out with a chick with facial hair well some do some have a little more hair than oh god what that feel like guy's making out with a girl and whispers tom sellick's name in her ear oh he's so sexy um tom sellick hmm higgins oh higgins would you please stop giving me the Tongue Higgins.

Oh, God. All right, well, let's stick with what's the wackiest nipple you've ever encountered. You. Seriously, we need to know. What is the wackiest, most demented nipple you've ever met? I met a girl who had three nipples. Come on. I'm serious.

What the hell are you talking about? It happens. what yes she had three nipples yes okay explain i don't even believe you but yet somehow i know you well enough to think this might be true what the hell tell me well they weren't two were normal and then one was this sort of not fully formed but just there was an extra nipple on her breast what get out of what there was like a nipple on the left and then a nipple on the left and then a nipple on the right and then a little further to the right was another nipple? Yes.

Come on. I'm serious. Why is that so strange? Well, I think my listeners will attest that I don't think anyone listening has ever encountered a third nipple. I think anyone listening to your show is open-minded enough to embrace the possibility. Of a third nipple, I'll give you that. But we need to know more. Wait a what did it look like?

I said, it was just, it wasn't fully formed. Well, what does that mean? Did it look like a burnt out belly button? What the hell does a non-fully formed nipple look like? Oh, my God. Are we done? No, I need to know. What the hell did it look like?

Tell me, disgusting. It's not. Did you kiss it? Oh, God. Come on. Did you put your mouth on the third nipple? Oh, God. No, you did.

You did. What the hell did you put your mouth on a third nipple for? That's like having sex at a freak show. Hey, if you like nipples, you know. Good Lord. Have you ever made out with a squid? What the hell? Oh, boy.

Wait a minute. What? How big was this nipple? So it was half the size of the other nipples? Hey, I'll put you guys in touch if you want. You can ask her. Now, wait a minute. So hold on.

So I want to get this scenario here. I want you to lay it out so people can visualize. You met a girl at a club or something? We don't have to do this. Personal. Okay, just give me the breakdown. You're back at a hotel, at your house. Where are you?

It could be any of those places. Is it nighttime? Yes. Okay, so you're obviously making out. Did you first reach in and feel the third nipple? Or did you open the clothing and see the third nipple? Come on, dude. We don't get this every day.

My listeners, I'm assuring you, are glued to their punt. podcast right now. Well, I think I'm going to leave it up to their imagination. No, you have to tell us. What happened? Did you feel it or see it first? I heard it. What?

I heard little music like, Tee, Tee, Tee, Tee, Tee, Tee, Tee, Tee. Hello, I'm a little nipple. I'm nipple number three. Wow. You are demented tonight. That is sick. I'm not letting it go.

What, did you see it or feel it? Oh, my God. I think I smell a fresh new nursery rhyme coming. Come on. What was your face like when you first saw it? What went through your head when you saw a third nipple? Well, I thought, oh, okay. That's different.

It didn't freak you out? Not really, no. It didn't look freaky. It was just, you know. A breast with two nipples. Were they big breasts or little breasts? They were normal-sized breasts. So normal, not small, not big.

Right. And was there like an arioli around the damn thing? Or was it just the nub, the licorice nub? The licorice nub. I don't know. What is that little thing that sticks out? Looks like a licorice nub. Was there an arioli around the third nipple?

No, it was... What's the arioli? Isn't it that that brown thing that looks like an arsehole? Oh, God. Okay. Was there or wasn't there? No, it was flat. It just looked like a birthmark almost

Maybe that's all it was Perhaps All that And now he says it's a birth mark Come on Yeah she said That's my third nipple Good Lord

So there you go That is friggin wild See I'm glad I asked that question Oh believe me So am I wow that was great that was great how many people do you interview and they've had their mouth their hungry eager mouth wrapped around a third nipple how many people do you meet in life we've been slurping away on nipple number three god you're the only one i know

whew all right well i think we're ready are you ready for the harland highway nature quiz sure because i think we've exhausted all avenue there's nowhere to go after the third nipple the licorice nub the licorice nub god it's a new rock band the licorice nub the bald ariole um all right so here's how we do it kev you've never played the harland highway nature quiz Here's what you do is I give a little statement within the little lines here are the clues as to what this animal is. Okay? And you have to guess what the, these are real animals, and you have to guess what they are, okay? Okay.

It's time for the Harland Highway Animal Quiz. So here we go. Here is the first Harland Highway Animal Quiz question. There is a saying if these walls could talk, but to guess what I am, they would have to see, too.

What am I? There is a saying if these wheels, There is a saying if these walls could talk. But to guess what I am, they would have to see, too. And you can ask for a little help if you need it. They're not easy. If these walls could talk. If these walls could talk.

There's a saying, if these walls could talk. But to guess what I am, they would need to see, too. Wouldn't you just think the walls would have to see anyways? I don't know. Oh, is it a bat? No. Oh, can you give me a clue? It's a fish.

You know your fish pretty good. Uh, yeah, I don't get the question. There's a saying if these walls could talk. But to guess what I am, it would have. have to see too i'm a freshwater fish not in the ocean fresh water you might have even caught one rainbow trout no connection at all no connection to anything i just said completely wrong okay i give up you give up yeah okay the walleye the walleye the walleye the walleye Pickerel, my friends.

There's a saying if these walls could talk, but to guess what I am, they would have to see, too. Makes perfect sense. The walleye, buddy. See how this works? Yep. Let's give you one.

Hopefully this is a little easier. Question two for Kevin Hearn on the Harlan High. Okay, here we go. If you ever get a flat tire, I would hop to your assistant. Hang on. If you ever get a flat tire, I would hop to your assistance in a hair's breath.

What am I? If you ever get a flat tire, I would hop to your assistance in a hair's breath. A jack rabbit. Hey-oh! Hey-oh! There he goes. Now I get how it works.

The kid gets it now. Here we go. You ready for number three? Yes, I am. If you were on the highway and you've gotten my way, you'd know who I am when I blasted you with my horn. I'm a mammal. A hoofed mammal.

Yeah. If you were on the highway and you got in my way, you'd know who I am when I blasted you with my horn. A moose? Oh, no, no, you're in the family. You're in the... A bull. Oh, that's a...

You know what, that could work, but no, it's not a bull. A cow. Okay, wait, no, not a cow. If I were on the highway and you got in my way, you'd know who I am when I blasted you with my horn. Okay, give me a hint. It's a mammal, it's a wild mammal. Huh?

Fountain mountainous regions. A yak? Blah. Nice name for that animal. You there, yak. No, not a yak. A mountain goat. Oh, you're raised.

around it get more specific it's all there in the clue if i are on the highway and you got my way you'd know who i am when i blasted you with my horn uh want me to give it to you yeah big horn oh kev you are all around it One more. One more. He's one for three, ladies and gentlemen. Here we go. Last nature quiz question.

I'm the only swimming mammal that drinks with a different part of my face. Yeah. Put that microphone in your mouth. It's a mammal. It's a mammal. Yep, it's a mammal. I'm the only swimming mammal that drinks with a different

part of my face. Oh. I don't know. The swimming mammal. Duck-billed platypus? No, that's a good, good guess. A whale You're in the family

You're in the neighborhood A manatee No, you go back to whaleish Dolphin Yellow, keep going I'm the only swimming mammal That drinks with a different part of my face You've got half the word

Oh, with dolphin Yep blue nose dolphin oh you got two of the words he's got two of the words nose and dolphin you were to drink with a different part of your face something

nose dolphin is it a color no you're drinking nose dolphin What do you drink out of? A cup? What else?

A glass. What else? A bottle. A bottle nose dolphin. Hey, oh! I'm too tired for this. Keff's falling asleep. He's like, please.

Can it be a little. sleeping pill dolphin or a pillow dolphin or a hairy third nipple dolphin you asked me to come over i didn't realize that's going to be oh yeah you got to be ready you got to be ready when you get on the harland highway dude dude seriously you're on the highway dude you're on the highway dude and uh i hate to say it but we're coming up to the exit ramp we are all out of time kev Oh, darn you. Well, I want to say thank you to my cousin, Kevin Hearn, for entertaining us, laying down a song with us, answering some incredibly deep questions. We've all learned about the third nipple and the licorice nub.

I'm sorry we didn't hand out vomit bags during this show, but if you're a yak. you probably don't need one um that's it kev we're all done say goodbye to the folks will you is that the third nipple song again yeah god i love that's going to be a hit ladies and gentlemen that's it we're all out of time this is harle williams my cousin kevin hearn and in case you're wondering what the song was we played at the beginning of the show the cousin's song it's called love song for Kathy that's a song Kevin obviously did all the music for I did the singing and

we just have a lot of fun so hope you enjoyed that and thanks for joining in and having some laughs with us and until next time this is Harlan Williams sang yak no saying chicken

chow Maine.