The Harland Highway - PODCAST 285

Episode Date: June 22, 2011

Old skateboarders, Houdini and the world of magic, funny faces, ear lobe exploration, crazy sex story. Rumple my stilksens!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Oh, what a night. Strange magic. I got a strange magic. No, I don't. I don't have a strange magic. I have a strange podcast. I think we're all pretty clear on that, right? Well, you are on a podcast. You are on the Harland Highway podcast.

I am Harlan Williams. And welcome, everybody. Good to have you here. The reason I opened with a song about magic is we are going to be talking about magic today. We're going to be talking about Houdini's greatest trick. We are going to be talking about a magical trick that I pulled off, that amazed and astounded. And it's going to be a lot of fun. It's a fun story.

I think you'll dig it. We're going to be talking about your earlobes. Yeah, starting a relationship with your earlobes. be talking about facial deformations or deviant places on your head. I have an incredible sex story for you today. Oh, my God, another one of these weird sex capades happen to me, and they just keep getting better. I can't wait to tell you about it.

We're going to be talking about skateboarding and getting old. When is it time to hang it up? Don't you hang up, though, because you are right here, and we're just getting started on. The Harland Highway! Welcome to the Harland Highway. You fellas been doing a bit of booze and have you? Sucking back

on Grandpa's old cough medicine. There's an element of uncontrolled chaos. The Harland Highway. Serving everyone from presidents and kings to the scum of the earth. What a treat. Oh wait, was you a great big bad person? You just made a wrong

turn. On to the Harland Highway. You need many years of therapy. Hey, Harlan, it's Stephanie from Denver. Just do me. You might want to think twice before sticking your penis in there. Just do me. You're riding down the Harland Highway with Harlan Williams. Okay, you're on the Harland Highway, and here's some food for thought.

It looks like somebody somewhere has a theory that Houdini, the great magician, was murdered. So they're planning to dig him up. Yeah, they're going to exhume Houdini's body and dig him up to see if he was murdered. Now, isn't it clear to everybody that this is just one of Houdini's tricks? Don't you get it, people? He was the master magician. He could stay underwater and locked in a box for 30 minutes and somehow emerge alive. Well, guess what?

They're going to dig down into his grave. They're going to pull out a crunchy old coffin. They're going to pry the lid open. And guess who's going to pop up? And go, ta-da! Abercadabra! Thank you. That was my ultimate trick.

I've been under the earth for 60 years. I am the ultimate magician. No one can ever outdo my magic trick. Suck on that, Copperfield. Up yours, Doug Henning. Harlan Williams. Oh, yeah, you got to love the magic. Don't we all love magic?

Have you ever been to a magic show? I recently went to a place in Los Angeles. There's a place called the Magic Castle. And it's his old, old giant house. I guess it used to be someone's mansion. And like 80 years ago or something, a bunch of, magicians or something took it over and it's this huge place with all these different rooms and they've decorated it so that it feels like you're stepping back in time and when you walk in

the place at the reception area it looks like a library and there's no obvious entrance to the place and once you check in with the hostess you have to walk up to a wall of books and say abracadabra and the wall slides open and in you go it it's kind of of a magical place. It's got a real ambiance. They've got old paintings up and old, everything's like old woodwork and low ceilings with tin plating. And it's pretty effective. And it's a really cool place because you can wander around and there's like 20 different showrooms. You can go into a big showroom and see like a big magic show or you can go into little rooms that just look like bars and uh you can sit around in a circle and magicians are right there in front of you

at the table doing card tricks and floating things and it's uh it's pretty uh it's pretty cool uh but i think we're all a little mesmerized by magicians and and what they do um obviously it's all trickery there's there's there's slight a hand there's uh you know fake cards and fake thumbs and hiding spots, but somehow it all works, and we're always like just, ooh. But some of these magicians can be, you know, I think some of these magicians have over the years realized that it's a way to pick up hotties. It's a way to pick up chicks.

A lot of magicians can be a little nerdy. Let's just say that. I'm not trying to be mean, but, you know, you never see Brad Pitt like making a tiger disappear. A lot of magicians tend to be a little bit nerdier. I guess that Chris Angel guy's hot, but most of the other ones, it's like, okay, Melvin. But I've seen it. I've seen magicians over the years in action. You know, I'm in the entertainment industry.

I end up at a lot of, you know, a function. or parties or whatever, and you'll always see a magician trying to mesmerize girls with their card tricks and stuff. And I'm sure it works on some level, but the story I want to tell you, I was at a house party once. This was years ago. And, you know, everyone kind of knew everyone, and there was probably, I don't know, 50 people at this party. It was a big house, they had a pool table and a bar, and it was pretty cool. And about halfway through the party, this magician guy shows up, okay? And he says, hey, I'm going to do some tricks.

And everyone kind of gathers around, and we were all excited. They were like, oh, cool. There was only one problem. He was the cockiest bastard we'd all ever met in our lives, right? He was one of these guys, like, let's say the end result of his trick was to flip over like the eight of clubs. he'd flip over the eight of clubs and then just kind of almost be like up yours losers oh like he'd kind of puff his chest out and he'd parade around the room and it was like all attitude and we were all kind of looking at each other like is this guy for real and he was he was

like this cocky guy like just it was almost the equivalent of being on the beach and a bully kicked sand in your face so you know me being me i could only take so much of this guy i mean he was just we were all just like what the hell we couldn't believe the bravado this guy was uh pulling off and so you know after about six tricks five or six tricks i was just getting pissed as like this guy's a total dick and so after his final trick he's kind of standing there like look at me i'm incredible why doesn't everybody kneel down and kiss my magic feet. And I was like, I'm just going to make this guy look like an idiot.

Okay, so I said to him, I said, hey, man, I got a trick. And he's like, oh, really? Who are you? I said, I'm just a nobody. Do you know magic? No, I'm just, I am magic. How about that? Oh, so I get the guy's cards off them.

And everyone's still gathered around because, you know, Maestro Fresh West is just, finished his big trick and I'm thinking to myself you know what I'm just going to do a whole bunch convoluted like confusing cuts of the deck and flip over the cards and I'll just kind of what I'll do

is I'll captivate this idiot for like five minutes and I'll kind of like at the end of course I won't have the right card but I'll have wasted his time and I was going to use all the bravado and the cockiness that he used and throw it back in his face, right? So I get the cards and, you know, I asked the guy to cut them.

And then I say, you know what, that's not good enough for me. I said, you know what, cut them again. Show your card to everyone. I'm going to let me walk into the other room first. And you guys yell when you get back. So I walk in the other room. This guy cuts the cards. Shows them to everybody there.

I'm obviously in the other room. I have no clue. I come back in. I go, okay, cut them again. Cut them again. Cut them again. I had them cut them like seven times. Okay.

And then I separated them into piles. And I said, you know, I'm just random. I'm like, take five cards out of that pile. Okay. Now, take six cards out of that pile. Take two cards out of that pile. Now take what you have left. Shuffle them all.

all up and cut them again. You know, I just kept going and going these ridiculous things until finally I finished. I like, okay, great, fantastic. And I still had all the bravado going, and my concept was I'm going to flip. He's going to say my card was the queen of spades. And I was going to do a big thing where I'm, you know, doing theatrics, and I grab the card, and I hesitate as to create drama of the final card, and I will now flip over your card, the Queen of Spades.

And, of course, I was going to flip it over, and it wouldn't be anything close, and I was going to be like, up yours. I'm glad I wasted your time. So here's where it got magic, okay? So after all this stuff that I did, out of all this ridiculous BS, right, I go, buddy, what's your card?

He goes, the ten of hearts. And everyone's just standing there. No one else knows what I'm doing. All the people at the party don't realize I'm pulling a gag. I go, what's your card, buddy? He goes, it's the ten of hearts. And I just silently, like slowly, I reached down to the top of the deck that's been cut and redistributed for ten minutes.

And as if I know it's going to be the ten of hearts, with all the bravado I can muster, I just slowly flip the card up. I can't see it yet. I raise it up almost over my shoulder and slap it down and then do a big sweep with my arm. Like, ta-da! Will all be goddamned.

This is the good part. I'll be goddamned if through some miracle that card was the 10 of hearts. Even I was like, What the, but I did not crack. I stayed in character. I guess that's the actor of me. I stayed in character.

My eyes were bugging out inside my hat, of course. And that magician, his jaw dropped. He couldn't believe it. He pretty much, it was like a whipped dog. He put his tail between his legs, and I swear to God, he crawled out of that party. He must have, it must have hit a raw nerve. it must have incensed him i don't know whatever it did i'm glad it did it and everyone was just like oh my god because obviously my trick my one stupid trick out did all of his tricks put together

his tricks you can probably figure oh he probably slid one up his sleeve or he you know slight a hand or he had one in his pocket or it's a trick deck of cards but after my show after what I did that there would, everyone knew there was no possible way. So the gods, the magic gods were shining on me. And just by sheer fluke, okay, a sheer one in a million fluke, the right card showed up on the top of that deck. And I flapped that thing over. That guy shut down like a Chernobyl meltdown.

He was just speaking. It was almost like he was just like, you know, like when the cops catch someone red-handed and, like, what were you doing, robbing that house? We saw you coming out. What's in your hand? He just had one of those going on. And I was just like, oh, my God, inside I was just like,

I did all the bravado that he did after that. I puffed my chest out. I was like, suck on that, partner. So that was some real magic that went on that night. And you know, it would be really magic if I shut the hell up about this story. I've been blabbering on for 10 minutes. But I thought you'd like it. It was kind of funny.

And it just goes to show you, you never know what's going to happen in the world of magic. Okay. Are you still riding on a skateboard? Huh? and I'm not talking to the 13 and 14 year olds out there I'm talking to the guys in their 40s okay when I'm out for a walk or I'm going over to Starbucks or something

and some dude comes motoring by me who's bald half his head's gray he looks like if he wipes out he's going to have to get a new hip or something sometimes it's time to give up the skateboard and get into buying a leered jet or something, okay? You're 40, okay? You don't go home at night, you don't roll home on your board

and color in your coloring book, do you? Let the board go, get a Lamborghini. It's the Harland Highway. The only thing you should be rolling around in at your age is probably a wheelchair. And feel free to take it right down the Harland Highway. Hello, Holland. This is Chad Young calling from Wisconsin again. The other day, I was watching Crotty Kid backwards.

Sorry about this kid that's really good at karate. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shit. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus, 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy, all will be packaged and sent discreetly for free and fast.

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So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping, code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Slowly loses his skills and ends up moving back to New Jersey. Kind of a sad story. Anyways, the reason I'm calling is I think I have the perfect name for your Harlan Highway listeners.

How about the Harlan Highway pavement pounders? I think it's a good one. Think about it. All righty, Harlan. Thanks for the last. I love your show. Good day, sir. whoa whoa whoa whoa wait a minute wait a minute i think i mean i think we might have a winner here i like that one

the harland highway pavement pounders you know there's something different about it i mean i appreciate all the other suggestions people are like the harland highway hitchhikers and the highway man and a lot of the triple h things but then all of a sudden this cat comes out of the blue with a double P which kind of doesn't fit in with the H but the Harland Highway pavement pounders I kind of dig that one so I think

I think because it's my podcast and I get to make the final decisions I am the CEO even though I do it for you folks it's really your podcast but somebody's got to to be in the driver's seat right so for for for uh for the time being i'm going to close up the uh suggestion box and uh consider yourselves all of you who want to get in on it you know sometimes

i'm not getting in on your little club what am i three years old okay i get it it's just a fun thing but you can officially call yourselves the harland highway pavement pounders How about that? Is it sexual? I don't know, is it? Is it, is it, is it, uh, is it, uh, department of transportation, is she, is maybe? But, uh, I dig it.

The Harland Highway pavement pounders. Thanks to, uh, thanks to you guys, all of you for your suggestions. Um, I, I'm not going to thank the girls. The girls did not chime in on this. I made an extra shout-out to the ladies to get their ideas in here. I think maybe one lady, one woman, one girl left a message. So winning. So hopefully in the future, you ladies get more precipitory.

No, isn't that a weather term? I just hope you ladies participate more. God. So there you go. For the time being, unless we get sick of it, let's consider ourselves the Harland Highway pavement pounders. So our thanks to Chad Young, Chad Young from Wisconsin, comes up with the winner.

uh perhaps we will send you a a corn on the cob shaped salt and pepper shaker set and perhaps we won't okay so you can sit by your mailbox and wait maybe something will come but probably won't like anyone would sit what we got some salt and pepper corn some some corn shakers coming i've got to sit by the mailbox of wait for that treat yeah um so again thank you to everybody that'll be the title for now the harland highway pavement pounders as we keep on rolling down the harland highway okay here's something unusual this is something that i've never seen before i don't know if you have but you know you go through life and people's faces and heads are generally the same shape and have the same features and every now and then you see someone with a wonky eye or

you know their lips all fangled up or their teeth are crazy you know pretty normal fair but i'm telling you man i met a lady a couple of weeks ago and i can't get this out of my head she had the biggest ear holes i've ever seen in my life like most of us you know what's your ear drum look like the little holes in the side of your head you know they're small They're about the size of the head of a couple of pencils, maybe. This lady's earlobe holes were like giant. They were like almost like silver dollar sized. And they're really deep.

Her ears were like really long, like Shrex. But she pulled her hair back over the side of her head and I felt like I was looking into the Batcave. I was waiting for Robin and Batman to come wailing out of there on the Batmobile, man. I almost went National Geographic on her ass. It's like I just wanted to get a little helmet with a flashlight on it and go exploring

in the side of her head. Her earlobes were almost inviting. I wanted to climb in there and go right in those earlobes. We were like, hello! Is there anybody in here? Hello, can you hear me? wanted to like climb in there and find like ancient hieroglyphics carved into the side of her cerebellum or maybe find some old ancient cavemen paintings a bunch of cavemen with spears chasing a neuron

it was bizarre man yeah every now and then life throws you something weird you've never seen like the Grand Canyon right on the side of someone's head Okay, okay, I know I said the wrong word a couple of times I said walk into her ear lobe The lobe is that little dangly That little dangly

Puffy piece of meat At the bottom of your ear I meant to say ear hole a bunch of times And I replaced it with the word ear lobe and you were probably going, what's he taught? You can't walk into an earlobe, man. I mean, you can walk into an ear hole,

but what the hell? Why is he? What? So, yeah. Just to clarify, just to make it clear so you don't think I'm a complete dillweed. But it is an interesting little piece of meat, isn't it?

I want everyone right now, everyone listening, You might have headphones on or earphones in or whatever, but I want everyone on the count of three, I want you to reach up and just grab your earlobes. Don't do it yet. Wait till the count of three. I just want you to grab your earlobe

with your thumb and your index finger and just pinch it and squeeze it for a second and feel how kind of soft and bumpy it is. It's kind of like one of the last places on your body that has kind of baby skin. Your earlobe skin tends to be kind of soft and velvety and it's kind of squishy. It's kind of like a little baby jelly donut hanging at the bottom of your ear. So let's all do that together and I'm sure it'll bring a smile to your face. Here we go on three, two, one, and squeeze.

and squeeze and fondle and are you smiling come on those of you aren't doing it don't no one can see you don't worry when was the last time you touched your earlobes just do it don't be such a baby and oh hey i'm a truck driver i don't do that kind of stuff trick drivers don't touch their earlobes man no one's looking just even if you can grab one of them come on three two one and squeeze and rub. Oh, it's a weird little area. One of the, it's like a little, I don't know if it's a, it's just strange.

And then if you can, if you've still got your hand on it, I want you to go right to the flap, okay? Go right to the inner edge of your earlobe where the earlobe is attached to your skull, to the side of your neck. Just go right there with your thumb and feel in there and kind of pull it a little bit and feel how weird. It's like, you know how duck have webbed feet? This is getting weird.

I'm actually doing this as we talk. So if I'm doing it, you can do it. Pull on that thing and just feel the webbing. If you stretch it, you can feel the side of your neck actually pull out. But it's weird because the earlobe like curves up and under and you think it's going to keep going. north but then it uh it hits skin and you've got this weird flap under there and that's really soft in there oh that's like oh that's like uh you know madonna's inner thigh right there well no that's probably pretty rough after all she's been through but you know what i mean inner

earlobe flap meat that you didn't think you'd be fondling yourself in that way today, huh? I sure didn't, but I'm pulling this rig over to the side of the road. I got some lobe touching to do. Screw getting these logs to Minnesota. So there you go. Check yourself out, and happy fondling. And speaking of fondling, I got to tell you this story.

Have you ever shared a cab with a stranger? Okay, I was out on the street the other day. had to grab a cab and look I don't normally share my graphic you know sex life stories with the listeners it's intimate it's private why would I do that but every now and then oh boy something happens it's just so you know out of this realm that I feel I'm obligated to share it with you it's I want you to live vicariously through my sex capades so it's raining out I hail this cab, I run and dive in the cabin, just like right out of the movies, another person flies in from the other side.

And I didn't really get a chance to see who it was. So at first I was going to protest. I was like, hey, what the? And then I look, and I swear it's this gorgeous. I don't know if she was a model. I don't know if she was an angel. But just a gorgeous brunette. She had like a navy blue eye shadow with dark blue eyeliner.

and she had this great gorgeous long hair, long brunette hair, cute little bangs, and there was just enough rain on them that there was water kind of dripping off the front of them, and there was water like kind of dripping down her face over her big succulent lips and her gorgeous green eyes and her little butt-nose, I mean, just a stunner, okay? And she's like, do you mind if I share it? Are you going downtown?

And I'm like, yeah, actually, I am. I'm going to the studio. She goes, oh, what do you mean in the studio? Like, oh, I'm going off to do a podcast. She's like, oh, you do a podcast? And I was like, yeah. She's like, oh. And suddenly she slides over towards me on the seat.

Okay, the back seat of the cabin. I'm like, oh, wait a second. All of a sudden I feel her hand. on my upper thigh. What's the name here podcast? The Harland Highway. She just does that. She does a size stick.

I feel her hand slip down into my inner thigh, and she's just barely touching my... We interrupt our program to bring you this important message. Hi, this is Harlan Williams, asking for your vote to become the next president of the United States of America. Hi, folks, I'm Harlan Williams, a Canadian with American citizenship, and I'm looking to be the first Canadian president of the United States of America. If elected president, hospitals will be made into Sinibon Cinnamon Roll franchises. Clowns will be burnt alive in front of the White House. The Olympics will be one day long and only involved albinos.

I'm Harlan Williams, and I approve this message. Harlan Williams for president. Now let's go boil some ass. Now, back to our show. Leaves her panties on the seat, closes the door, and steps out of the cab. Just sitting there on the seat, her purple victorious secret panties. Wow.

And I'm sorry, I know some of you are probably, like, offended. Like, why is he telling us these graphic sex capades? Why, why the detail? Why the, I mean, it's, that's what happened. They were that intense. They were that detailed. There was that much stuff going on, and it's stuff you just dream about. So I have to share it.

I'm sorry. I'm going to keep sharing them. I don't know how these things happen to me, but they do. Oh, boy, and I'm a bit exhausted. So that brings us to the end of the show. And I guess that's a really good way to end it. And if some of you are a little jacked up, if some of you are a little excited by what I just said,

you know, by all means, go in a dark corner somewhere and play with your earlobes. Yeah, fond of them earlobes, son. Yeah, that is it. That's all we got for today. Thank you for joining in, as always. I always like to thank you, guys. I hope you're having fun.

You can always call me at 888, 52090. Leave a message, or you can write me at harlomwiliams.com. Don't forget to check out the website, harlomwiliams. there's my merch store there where you can buy little gifts and uh you can also check out my stand-up comedy schedule just click on the stand-up link and you will see that this weekend uh Thursday Friday Saturday Sunday I will be at the San Jose Improv in San Jose California great great club it's an old opera house that they converted into a comedy club It's stunning.

Great room. I hope you can join us up there. You can reserve tickets or get info, like I said, at my stand-up link at harlorewilums.com. And that's it. That's all we got for today. Thanks for joining the Harland Highway pavement pounders. I hope we see you all next time or hear you all next time

on the old Harland Highway. And until then, Friends, hold on to your earlobes and enjoy a big bowl of chicken chamee, maybe. How about the Harland Highway pavement pounders? I think it's a good one. Think about it.