The Harland Highway - PODCAST 286

Episode Date: June 24, 2011

Special guest, comedian and actor Justin Schlagle. Bittersweet bunk cake!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Welcome to Jehalen-Schweigley. Okay, that was a really, like, bad Bavarian accent, and you probably don't know what I said. But if I slow it down, I said, welcome to the Harland Highway. It's a podcast. It's not in Bavarian. It's in English, good old Kentucky Fried English. Welcome, everybody.

I'm Harland Williams, your host or hostess, whatever you want to call me. And a great show today, great, great, wonderful podcast. Have one of our podcast faves here at the highway. This guy's always entertaining, always full of original thoughts, crazy-ass stories. And I'm sure we'll get some out of them today. He always makes me laugh. I hope you enjoy them too. I'm sure you will.

Let's kick it off. with my funny, funny actor-comedian friend, Mr. Justin Schlegel, right here on the Harland Highway. Welcome to the Harland Highway. You fellas been doing a bit of booze and have you? Sucking back on Grandpa's old cough medicine. There's an element of uncontrolled chaos. The Harland Highway. Serving everyone from presidents and kings to the scum of the earth. What a treat.

Oh, wait. Was you a great big fat person? You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. You need many years of therapy. Hey, Harlan. It's Stephanie from Fedmer. Just do me.

You might want to think twice before seeking your penis in there. Just do me. You're riding down the Harland Highway with Harland Williams. Okay. I just threw some gum out of my... my mouth and uh wow i threw it's like magic i threw some gum out of my mouth and here i am on the harland highway very bizarre uh welcome everybody holy god on a trisket what a show i even put on my special uh olympic uh track meat sweater for this uh one of our favorites we i just love having this

guy on the Harland Highway. I think he's officially now our, he's our guest that's been here more than any other guest for repeat visits. If that doesn't tell you anything, go stuff your face in a blender. He's here. I love him. You love him. Comedian actor Justin Schlegel is here. Hey, buddy. Go butter your ass with wasmarmolade. If you don't like that I've been on here more than anybody else. You hear me green? Huh? Dick? Yeah. That's right. I guess he's been tearing ass down the highway more than anyone else. You know why? Because I was on lifetime for 47 seconds. Deal with it. See what part of my body I'm pointing at? Touch it. Oh, God. It's like you just did a throwdown to those other guys. Tom Green, Andy Dick. I didn't do that. Dane Cook's been on here.

Not in the least. I respect all of them. One day I seek to walk alongside them. I smell a throwdown. I'll fight you with my pain. Venus. I'll fight you. Woo! Yes. Thank you for having me back. Your zip up United States Olympic, the dream coming true. You look like the alternate on a badminton team in the Special Olympics. I know. I showed up to greet Justin at the Harland Highway Studios here, and I have my wife Peter on and covering it because I didn't want him to see my finally cut physique.

I'm wearing like a Nike kind of a it's like a tennis jersey and on the back it says USA and over my left breast it says United States and and you're right it does look like I'm ready to compete. You do. You look like it's going to do some like power squats or something like that. But it doesn't look like you're going to do any like really super athletic anything like all right today in the United States versus Germany scone baking championship here live in Dover, Delaware. Harlan Williams steps up to the oven.

Oh, he chose Boisenberry. A real cavalier move on his part. Boisenberry. I didn't think I'd hear Bois and Barry in the first few minutes of the show, but you did it again. I guess that's another milestone. If you don't wipe well, you get Boisenberries. You ever get edible underwear, by the way?

Have you ever had any experience with that with a girl? I mean, you said Boisenberry. and some i want here's two things happen i went to you know you go to i hop and they have nine different syrups on the table they do have the syrup buffet yeah i thought a boisenberry and then secondly my mind went right to edible undies have you ever had an experience i purchased some once for a a what was going to be a sensual uh valentine's day yeah and as i kind of thumbed around with a packaging at a stoplight i realize that you know what all they're made of have you ever seen a pair in person I think maybe way back in my 20s, something went on.

All they are are fruit roll-ups. It's the same stuff that a fruit roll-up is made out of. So I didn't make it three-quarters of a mile before I was snacking on fresh ass blast raspberry straight out of the packaging myself. I ate the panties in the car. Oh, like a pizza delivery guy who eats the pizza before he gets it to the house. And then kind of tries to squeeze the two slices together to make it look like it's still a whole pie. You rat bastard, if that term's even used in this decade.

You, yeah, you rat fink, huh? Wow. You're a little son of a big. That's what I did, a little rap scallion. Wow. Yeah, that's right. I snacked on it because I figure I could either eat them fresh out of the package and get that nice plasticy raspberry flavor,

or I can let my girlfriend, who was a svelte 190 at the time, wear those chocolate Elaine Bryants around the house and put a nice trenchy butt flavor on them because those are going to taste great after her sweaty, non-working-out ass has had them on, for the better part of 45 minutes, like chase her around, like Christian Bale from American Psycho. Yeah, they're going to have a real good flavor. A real good flavor.

So wait a minute. People driving down the street, look over at you and your brown-dodge neon. They see you chomping on curled up edible panties. They think you're, like, chewing on jerky. Yeah, they think I'm over there eating like some pemmican terriaki beef jerky. Are you eating a slim gym? No, I'm just dating some fat chicken. underwear. God, it's like crotchless jerky. Well, they were crotchless after the first

bite. Wow. So you never ended up getting them home and getting them on your lady. No, good Lord, no. Boy, she was hearty. Did she know that you had gone out? Like, did she, was you around the house? She's like, honey, will you go out and get some edible panties and then you ate them on the way home? Or did she never know about your sexual exploit? She's never known. I'll forward a copy of this podcast once it's completed tour. We had the, we had the, the funny, I bought the sex game where you roll the dice and whatever it landed on you had to do. I bought the little, the little feather tickler. We're going to have a real, a real sensual evening. I did the whole, the whole whip cream thing, which just went south on me real quick. If you ever tried it? What happened? Wait, this is about you.

What happened with your whip cream? Okay, I got a, I got a can of ready whip because I figured, I figured if you get the tub of cool whip, it's going to look bad, spoon. it on her chest, one tablespoon after the next. So I draw a line down her just big, fat, meaty, unloved torso. And I began at the navel, and I was going to lick upward toward the breastplate area. I made it five inches, was full. I mean, just that sugary, sloppy, drippy. Yeah, how much whipped cream can you eat?

You think you can eat a lot, but you can't. I mean, think of a hot chocolate. You never put a giant ton on your hot chocolate. You give six. 7.20 of a squirt. You do two complete circles, and then you're set. Yeah. But yeah, I made it the better part of a half a foot up her

big Winona Judd torso. Found myself with a little bit of a stomach discomfort. Also lactose intolerant. That was bad selection on my part. Oh, God. I should have covered in radish slices. You should have covered her in soy milk or something, guy. Lie down, baby. I got some garlic croutons for you. We're going to make this happen.

Spread it, baby. I've got some silk soy milk. Oh, yeah. I've got some Hidden Valley Paul Newman's ranch. I've got some bean sprouts. Let me sprinkle them on your pubis. I've got some ice cold chicken with stars Campbell's soup, and I didn't add water to it.

Bite down. Let's make this happen. It's Arbor Day. Let's treat ourselves. God. Yeah, that's the thing. I guess you never anticipate eating that much whipped cream because it's very rich. It's rich.

It's thick. It's sugary. Yeah. And with all the motion that is about, about to occur. You get an upset stomach. You get sticky. You begin to stick. And that stuff then gets on bed linen. It gets on wall. It gets in hair. It's not a good time. It's like communism on paper. Great idea. Yeah. Practice. Kind of falters. And I've never under really stood the food fetish deal, man. You ever see that movie nine and a half weeks or whatever it was, that old movie

in the, it was with Kim Basinger and Mickey Rourke. Yes, this was before his plastic surgery. Yeah, this is when he was like a stud, he was a star, and she was peaking, and there was this scene in this movie where they're in the kitchen and they're like cracking eggs on each other and they're rubbing strawberries and ice cubes and slapping yoga. It was, it was a big talked about scene in that movie. Everyone was saying how sensual it was, and to me it just looked like they rammed their shopping carts into each other at Piggly Wiggly

and food went everywhere. It was awful. They were covered in one another's grocery lists. They were like, oh, that's it. Give me some of that honey spiral ham from betwixt your armpit meat. Yeah, it was gross to me. Okay, here's, then let's parlay it into this. You talk about...

Parlay it or parfeit. Let's parfeit with a little bit of yogurt and fresh fruit on the top. You ever seen a movie called Crash with James Spader? Yeah. The movie about people that are sexually aroused. We were talking about getting sexurats by food, sexually aroused by car crashes. The movie

industry made that fetish up. I've never met one person that's like, hey, what he into? Big asses, nice boobs, blondes, doing it outside. I like it when a Ford F-350 T-bones me in an intersection, and I get a boner. You need to use it on someone. Yeah, that was a

Kronenberg movie. Yeah. Yeah, because he's a nut. He's done a lot of Yeah, that movie was just, I left that movie going, what the hell is this? idiotic stuff. Who gets turned on by car accidents? You know, I hate to say it, but humans are so whacked out. There's probably

some out there that do. There's probably something for everyone to get turned on by. There's a fetish for you. You got the furries that creep me out, the people that dress up in the full-on furry outfits. Wait a minute. Are you not... Furry outfit?

Are you not familiar with the furry subculture? No. Oh, boy, let me take your head to a dark place. What do you mean? These are people that put on like college football basketball mascot gears like you know the fighting rabbits or you know the raging wolveries and they will go to these raves completely anonymously but like the back end or front end area will have an access portal and these people will dress up like sexy bunnies and naughty tigers and and uh you know alligators of ill repute it's like It's like a glory hole festival, really.

It's like a glory hole festival meets the Chucky Cheese gang, and there ain't no pizza being served. Yeah, because you can't see the other person. So really, it's about orifices and extensions going in and out of ambiguous openings. Random holes and portals, and these people will act like the animal that they are. And you don't know. The super hot kitten in the two piece with the great blue furry backside could be a dude named Trevor that runs a duckpin bowling alley somewhere in Moncton, South Dakota. I think it's safe to assume that the term mascot sex party and good-looking woman don't really fit together. There's a good chance that if they were all held at gunpoint, everyone's helmets off now, just a sea of dudes.

Just nothing but sweaty, unloved, asthmatic hog, as far as the eye can say. Yeah. An orchard of Wang. Yeah. A veritable galaxy of masculine unwashed crotch meat. Yeah. Dorito fingers, social unacceptance, diabetes, the likes of which we haven't seen since John Candy still roamed the earth. Oh.

And fur. God, disgusting. This is happening somewhere right now. I wonder if they need, like, if they set up little bleachers and need like an audience. Hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex? No, yes, yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex.

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Felacio, Filatio, Falacio, the rabbit and the turtle, turtle. Put your hands together. I'm feeling queasy. Let's move on to some of our real questions and of course, ladies and gentlemen, we will be doing the Harland Highway Animal Quiz at the end of the show

so you don't want to miss that. Justin is probably one of the best at it, I have to say. So we're excited. Let's get into the questions. We got a little sidetrack with your edible undies and your whipped cream. Okay. But here we go. Have you ever been trapped in an elevator or any type of mechanical device? I've been trapped inside of a bobcat before. One of those little bulldozers? One of those little mini. I got trapped inside of one that was a rental. We rented it to help a friend clean out of septic. It had a timer on the cage.

that when you rented it and they dropped it off to you, this was like nine years ago. You had like a two or three hour window and once that cage locked, you couldn't get back in unless someone that owned it turned on the transmitter

to unlock the bolt on there. Well, I was in there too long and you just hear that click. No. And I didn't pay attention to it, continue to move a little bit of earth, and I go and try and get out of it, and the thing has bolted itself shut.

Come on. And I literally had to get around the backyard in this bobcat. Like if someone was like, hey, Schleg will come over here. Like, I'm on my way. And you were like a transformer all of a sudden. I was. I was like a transformer that couldn't transform at anything. I was like a little handicapped robot. I was Optimus sad.

You were like Optimus Septic is what you are. I was Stankatron. I must remove the bowel movements from the core of the earth. I come from cyber poop. Here? to steal your human feces, for we have drained our planet of its natural poopy resources.

Optimus septic. I must remove the manure. You know, speaking to which bunny, I don't want to get off track here real quick. Yeah. But can I, please? What do you got? What's going on?

I'll tell you what I got. Oh, no. Not long ago. About a year and a half, dare I say. Guilt. First time, you know where I'm going with this. But I met you. I deserve it.

Okay. In the back. of the DC improv, you told me that we were discussing our interests. I told you about Transformers. You told me that you're a guy that lives in the hills alone and collects skulls. Very normal. Very normal. Makes his own caramel, hangs out of playgrounds, and

it's good with a bullwhip. Whatever. You know what? And whip cream. Ah, five inches worth. Now I got a tum-time make. So I was like, how about this? I'm going to endear myself to this fella. I know of a transformer that has a skull for a head. A character by the name of

bludgeon, a Decepticon transformed into a bank very evil fellow i bring him to you you loved it you put it in your bag i did seven eight nine months later i come over here for the first time i see the wall of toys to my right if you you can't see uh fortress harlan but here at the branch dividian complex that is harland highways Williams you have this great shelf of like toys and sculptures and if there was anything where that thing was going to end up it was going to be over there although i do have one other shelf of toys in another part of the studio but it's not there either so continue the story but i didn't see it and i finally i was like hey whatever happened to that uh whatever happened to that transformer i gave you and uh what what did

happen to that one more time well here's what happened you gave me the transformer and when i travel when you travel as much as i do you have like your little bag and you have everything set your your shaving kit your clothes and you're not used to having other things no we travel pretty well packed we travel pretty well packed and we travel pretty like we kind of know what we have and what we need and so all of a sudden I had this this foreign object and I had it and I had it in my room at the hotel and when I went to leave I didn't think about it because it wasn't in my wheelhouse and so I didn't pack it and I left it in the goddamn room because no one thinks all right I got my watch wallet shaving kit transforming samurai

skull-headed tank robot. Yeah. And my cardigan. We're good to go. So I thought I saw this shelf. And while I was over here also where the toy shelf was, I saw your serial figurines of you with the clumps of lucky charms glued to the baby Jesus's head. And again, I thought that was normal. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Like no big deal. On sale in my web store, by the way, at harlone Williams.com. Little plug. So I brought you tonight. I have made this. Okay. This is one of one. Hasbro doesn't make this, okay? General Mills cereal doesn't make this. It is one of one. Oh boy, I'm excited. It is Optimus Crunch. I have brought you a limited edition transformer figure with cinnamon pecan special K cereal glued to various parts of his body

and you'll notice the chest plate in case you have it's a tombs. I didn't know how to how you reacted to cinnamon, of which there is much. Wow. So you feel free if you nibble on one of his little cinnamon flake wings in the back. He's got wings and on his feet he's got little like they look like special K's special case. It's special case cinnamon pecan. It transforms into a well-balanced breakfast. Oh, they look. Oh, this is golden. Now it's almost worth it that I lost it in or because this came around. I love it. I'm going to lay

him down on his belly so I don't break his wings. I love it. We're going to find a place right after the podcast on the toy shelf. Thank you. The circle of life is complete. Akuta Matata. Wow. I love it. And that action figure that I glued him too. Yeah, who is it? That is a character name Prowl. And that is actually from the late 80s. I have two of those. That one was the slightly junked out one that I didn't mind getting rid of. But I believe there are only one. of like a hundred of those in the country and yours has cereal glued to it oh i love it i'm going to take a picture of it and put it up on the website you shove that down your pants oh i will you shove that down your pants and you hop on the elliptical i'm going to put that right in my

chastity belt oh put that right in the old special spot you go get an orphan pregnant i'm going to put that my edible bacon undies thank you my pleasure so finally oh we can have let's absolve that let's shut that let's just flip that page get past that chapter in our relationship because i have been filled with brimming god damn rage ever since just the anger that overwhelmed me that that toy was not on your shelf some nights i would drive up to the gate down here and just stare oh is that you just stare i saw someone a every now and then i would outsource it to a small korean woman named giao sing it was like the poster you ever see the poster for the exorcist yes yes like that priest staring up at the The light.

Yeah, that was like you. I could see you down there framed in the streetlight with your black cloak and your hat. And I didn't know it was you till now. Yes. You were angry. I was just staring at you through. Wow. I could see you on the fifth floor of Harlan Manor during your fencing lessons.

I could tell it was you because you had a chilly dog in one hand. You had your fencing saber in the other. And I'm like, I'm not going to interrupt his lesson right now. But if he pakes out the window, he's going to know that there's some fury out there. wow well you know what sometimes there is a silver lining by forgetting that other doll i get this with the cereal stuck all over it it's a good day for me i'm telling you it's christmas it's a good day to be me it's a good day as long as i don't spill any milk on it i want to come over here and it's sitting in a bowl of milk i'm eating it no i won't do that i will respect it i will cherish

it, T, wait, T, Y, thank you. Hey, hey, de Nata. That's Italian for Sucket. Oh, I'm not sure. Here we go. I can't read. Well, let's move on. More questions.

What are you guys? Speaking of great characters, this segue is great into the next thing. I wanted to ask you, if you were a Lord of the Rings character, what would your name be? Oh, um, oh, wow. I mean, there's so many to choose from because you've got, are you part of Sauron's minions? Are you one of the fellowship? I don't know. Oh, God.

I mean, you could even make up your own name if you had to. I mean, I don't know. How big is this ring? I know exactly what I'm going to be. What? Remember the gigantic, the gigantic trees? Yeah. Remember what they were called?

What? They were called the ants. Remember the ants? Okay. Super tall trees. Yeah. I would be a very, very large, sentient coffee cake known as the end of the end. I would be the enteman. I would follow the fellowship throughout their quest and say,

I can't do a lot about that whole Sauron and or Sauraman fellow. But if anybody here needs a nibble on some pound cake, I'm your guy. Wouldn't you get pecked alive by the birds and stuff? That's what I'm here for in this realm. Okay? That's my purpose. All right. That's what I do. Beautiful. It would be the entoment. Great answer. Great answer. And this next question, it can be a quickie or it can be a shorty. Okay. What the hell makes onions cry? What would make an onion cry?

Oh, boy, what would make an onion cry? Maybe one of those Christian onion African commercials where they show onions and other nations that don't have as much to eat as a normal American onion. For only 75 tacos a day, an African onion can eat. for only 75 taco shells a day. Honestly, place the call right now. I mean, if you're just a nice big southern fried Vidalia

sitting on the couch, and you're watching your 55-inch Sanyo 3D LED with a 240 refresh rate, and you see that shriveled little back, Papa New Guinea covered in mud, flies buzzing around it, a little cocktail onion, a little cocktail fella,

you get sad, you're like, look at me, look at me, big fat Vidalia. All right, nothing makes me cry, but look at that poor little, look at the poor little cocktail onion out there. Honey, get my, get my, get my, get my taco checkbook. I'm writing this guy out of check for 75 taco shells. So he may eat. That's awesome.

So you're right. I would make an onion cry. Poor onions. All right, you're a smart guy, fill in the blank, and you can fill it in any way you want. Okay, all right. Mad lib. These, yeah, these are, these are famous, famous lines.

and you get to fill them in. Ask not what your country can do for you. Ask what? You can do for your neighbor's unwashed rectum. Hey, Bob, mind if I come over there and give that a scrub? The devil's onion rings got quite a wharf and we're trying to enjoy our tilapia during the family feud. I'll put dinner on hold and give you a nice back and forth

with the palm olive in the backyard if you're not opposed to it. Excellent. Excellent. Wow. Perfect. All right. This is one small step for man. One giant leap for centipede kind. They're not known to jump. They're known to crawl.

But the first one that actually does like a little hop with all 100 of those legs. My God, the hang time he's going to get. When he figures out, wait a minute, if I can get all of these in unison at one time, The NBA had better come a callant. For a centipede. Perfect. Perfect. Perfect. That's ideal. Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I...

I shall fear no dwarfs because they're half the size of me. And I'll see them running towards me at the same speed that you or I walk, normal people. They shouldn't be allowed to vote nor marry, nor breathe. In the event that one gets with anything with near me, I put my foot out. and I just hold a little fellow in place, and I say, hey, you, a little fella, all right? You got two things in this life that you're going to be good at, making cotton candy and running the tilt-to-world at the local county fair, all right? So you can go ahead and get off your high horse, which isn't all that high, to be completely honest with you, all right? You're full of piss and vinegar, you little fella?

I'm not scared of them, all right? You know where we are right now? We're in the shadow of death, short man, okay? You think I'm scared? There are biblical prophecies happening all around. You see that dragon up there? Yeah, that is going to get Daddy's eye. You, little fella, okay, little axe,

Dwarven fella from Lord of the Rings, whose name escapes me at this moment. Beard, John Rice Davies played you on his knees during the entire time. Why don't you go ahead and skip the light fantastic, back off in a little gummy, gummy gumdrop forest. I'm not frightened to you. Right?

Why don't you go make me a waffle? Go make me a waffle, because your people are good. You know what dwarves eat? I'll tell you what they eat. Jelly beans. It's the only thing that they can digest. Really? When you eat one human food,

it won't live more than 48 hours. It won't. It's tragic. I have a whole basement full of dead ones. I do. I feel bad. You are the John Wayne Gacy of the elf world. Try and eat this ham sandwich. But I want a jelly belly.

Marshbellow and watermelon flavor. You're going to eat this goddamn hot pocket. That's the last thing you do. My little tummy, Tommy, Tommy, Dwarven Tom, Tum cannot handle it. Then now I perish. I threw some whipped cream on there for you. Thank you. Here's another one.

No, do, do, do, da, da, da. That's all I have to say to. Michael J. Pop, Hop, hox. Wow, leave it right there. I don't know what that man. Me neither. I have no idea. I love it.

Michael J. Fock. Maybe he needs that. I'll be honest of all the quotes so far. I don't know what that's from. Really? What was it from? That's a police song. Oh, that do, do, do, do, da, da, da, da, da.

That's all I have to. Michael J. Fox. to you. Michael J. Fox. So now it fits. He can't sit still. I don't. Michael J. Fox, shaking not stirred.

And now I pettish. I have been to the mountain top, and I have a stomach ache from all that licorice I ate on the way up. My God, black, red chocolate. It's in there. It's 50% wax. You know that? Man, I don't know. had a pack for a mountain climb. They said, bring oxygen, warm clothes, rope, maybe a GPS unit.

I said nay. I said nay to you, Sherpa. I'll bring Twizzlers, Rolos in the occasional Zagnut Bar, and not a stitch of clothing. And I'm rather cold and have a tummyache and a farted bone marrow for the past four days. You win, Sherpa. You win. Oh, God. Good job. I got to give you a hand on those. Thank you, guy. Thank you, buddy. Those were good. You know, I didn't know if I'd get a one-word answer or a long thing, and all of them just work. There's two things you should know about me. There's three things. I never look at a menu.

I don't bother with condoms. And brevity, it's not my strong point. Oh, God bless you. God bless you and your little onions. What would happen if one were to drink salt water for four weeks straight, do you think? Someone would drink salt water as if they were lost at sea and it's all that they had. No, just like drank it, like bottled water, but it was like salt sea water. Oh, good Lord.

Yeah. I don't know. Maybe they would they find themselves like sexually attracted to pepper? Is they slowly become a salt monster? Oh my God. The only person that they find comfortable around, the only person they can look to towards companionship, intellectually, sexually, emotionally, professionally,

are just tall olive garden. May I grind some black pepper onto your Caesar salad? Who likes that? No one does. Stop offering that to me. That's what I would turn to. You get so much salt in your system. I'd either that or I would have a bed made to look like a gigantic potato chip. Oh, and just lay on it.

You can't see me. Oh, salty. So salty, so crispy. Oh, delicious. O-she-O. O-E-O-E-O. Bang, bang, shrimp, so salty. Come lie on me, Pepper.

Wow, you took like a real simple question and made it real sexual. That's what I like about you. Have you ever been hitting the nuts? I have many times. What was like one of the worst times you got cranked in the nuts? And tell people what it feels like because women in particular probably don't get the sensation that a man gets. I've heard that if a woman gets blasted right in her special spot. Yeah.

Yeah, right in the old smile time trench, that it is agonizing. Really? Not necessarily as bad as if somebody crushes the yams, but definitely a thumbs down, Charlie. Well, what was an event, a situation where you got, like, try and think of your worst wine. Oh, I have it. I know exactly what it is. I used to skateboard back in the day. I used to skate.

I have one bad name, and without getting too vulgar. Yeah. I have what my friends refer to as the alpha nut. See, when I get a little whiskey in me, whether it be Jameson's old granddad, or if I'm really treating myself a little maker's mark, every now and then I like to spend the money that I deserve, I get intoxicated and I withdraw my balls. It's my favorite thing to do out in public. It's not cool. I actually take the yams and I withdraw them. And if someone's sitting down and enjoying a conversation,

a friend, not a stranger, I make sure it's in the circle, I'll place them on someone's shoulder and whisper, hey, who are the fruit basket? And they look over and they're like, oh, God, it's somebody's smelling man brain on me. I'll do that. Oh, my God. And, well, after withdrawing them for so many years,

people are like, what is going on with your left net? It's almost two and a half times larger than the right, the reason being back in the day when I skateboard him I was trying to learn how to go down rails I never got it I was never good at street skating but I one day tried first and only try completely as you'd imagine both legs go down on the rail

I catch them right on the end and I genuinely crushed one one was just traumatized and I had to go to the ER I had to get it drained because they began to swell up like a moon bounce that And someone was like, I can't turn off the air compressor. This thing's going to pop type swell.

I mean, they got to be the size of a grapefruit. It's very low. Microwave popcorn when you leave it, it just keeps expanding. But Orville Redenbacher fell asleep at the wheel, and that thing's going to keep on going to it burst. So we had to go to savi-a-kettle. Yeah, sweet kettle corn. Wow. And they had to put in a little thing in there and drain the fluid.

And when everything killed... Like, what is it, nut fluid or is it blood? It's dinty more beef stew. Shockingly enough Dinty more Beef stew You want me to trip Down a stairway

And have you with a bowl at the end of it Like Pizza, I want some more May I have some of your scrottle porridge I did not have Just put some whipped cream on it For the whipped cream And now I should perish

Yeah I crushed my ball And it's Wow It was And that was the worst Actually I passed out from how much it hurt To describe To describe someone just a normal

Like I got hit in the yams with a football or a baseball bat or a father's disloving punch. It's like you want to throw up. You immediately feel like for some reason they retreat up into your breastplate. Yeah, yeah. They feel like they've gone up behind your lungs as if like hiding in the forest from some creature. They run to your rib cage for protection. They do.

They take refuge behind the lung meat and all you want to do is throw up for 30 minutes. And there's nothing in there. But your body's like, all right, there's some correlation between getting smacked than the dynasty maker and breakfast having to get out of us right now, let's start to dry heed. And you can't stand up straight. Yeah, yeah, kind of curl up like into a fetal position. You do, your eyes water.

You know, it's interesting. They say that men in World War I and World War II that were wounded as a result of an explosion. More often than not, their chest, crotch, and upper thigh area would be all right. They would lose arms and lose legs, and they would have trauma to the top and back of their head because a man's natural instinct upon any type of physical trauma that seems to be overwhelming is to protect the area that creates more of us, and they would curl in. And they would curl in on themselves. We are so afraid of anything happening to our Caesar salad that we sneak in,

and everything else is fair game for the explosion, but this is fine. Wow. Yeah. Is that crazy? Wow, that is an natural. Extreme, extreme nut trauma you had. Extreme, extreme nut trauma. Someday, when you and I get into the Mike's Hard Lemonade,

I have two, you have one, we're all hopped up on. You're going to pull it out. Jessica Tandy videos and real fresh creme brule. I'll say, hey, Hart, let's take this to the next level, bro, and I will stand on the wall that overlooks all of Los Angeles, and I will withdraw. I will withdraw the ground shock, and you will reel back in horror. Wow.

Yeah. You know what? It looks like Cuaddo from Total Recall. The thing that was on the dude, just start the reactor, Quaid. That's what my balls are going. So it's still, even after they drain the dinty more oil out of there, it's still like jumbo. It's gross. It's way larger.

And I have had women look at it right before an act and be like, well, look at that. That's horrible. Well, we're already here. Might as well. Wow. Do you have to get like custom-made panties and stuff? I am. like lead made out of lead or anything or

I have to hand stitch them made out of chain mail I figure I do all my underwear shopping at the Renaissance Festival it's the only thing capable of holding these within my within my Levi's Wow yeah normal Haynes BVDs Fruit of the Loom would have you

give it a day and a half chain mail so it looks like a fruit basket it does it's horrible yeah so yeah big big gross big gross balls All right let's move on last question before we get to the The animal quiz. I'm having visions of sugar plums dancing in my head.

It was the night before skateboard accident and all through the house. Not a... Okay. Last question. Please make your best dinosaur sound and then tell us what dinosaur it was. Best dinosaur sound.

What dinosaur was it? And what was that? That was a terror dog. With a swollen nut? That was a taradactyl with one swollen yam. Wow. Give me one out of you. Come on.

Well, that was good. Give me one from you. I can't top that one. You can't do one like... That's like, no, that was like a pig. It was like a howling gorgulogulok. That sounds like a, like a werewolf with dysentery. That sounds like a minotaur with irritable bowel syndrome.

Yeah. Somebody gave that buddy some Thai food that day. Yeah, I wasn't ready for... Oh, that was good. Oh. Wow. Kids on fire. These dinosaurs that smoke. All right.

A Marborosaurus. It's time, buddy. It's time. You ready? Let's do this. You ready for... Nature quiz. You ready for the nature quiz? Yes.

All right, let's roll the song. Here we go. The Harland Highway Nature Quiz. It's time for the Harland Highway Animal Quiz. All right, here we go. You know how it works. It's a quiz. It's about nature.

I give you a little setup, a question, and it's full of all the clues you need. in order to name the critter okay it could be a fish it could be a mammal it could be a bird that's what i was going to ask because you've had themes in the last one you didn't all fish one at one point is there any theme to this one this one uh this one i will tell you is uh everything it's it's mammals it's yeah it's uh so let's go are you ready justin schlegel for the first question let's go here we go buddy even the people of Oz would know my name if you attended a bingo game where the letter caller had a speech impediment

and couldn't pronounce the letter B. A little long winded that one. Wow, wow, that was, boy, you hit me with a lot of info there. So give me that from the top. Here we go. Even the people of Oz would know my name if you attended a bingo game

where the letter caller had a speech impeach. and couldn't pronounce the letter B. I think of the people of Oz. I think of the Lollipop Guild. Okay. I think, you know, you can't pronounce it. Speech impediment. Wow, you're kind of circling the wagon here.

Yeah. It's a toughie. I always kind of do a toughie out of the game. Yeah, yeah. You came at me strong this time. Yeah. Can I, no, I'm not going to ask her any assistance on this. I got to be a man.

I got a sack of. up um you want it again no no you gave me everything i need um i'm trying to think it was the the i keep i see you think upa lupas but that's that's chocolate factory um the the dwarves the i remember the name of the people from the wizard of oz damn it the munchkins the munchkins okay yeah uh i thought there was like a species there i guess they're the munchkins um the bunch bunch bunchans bunch of munchkins bunch of even the you're going you're going into a fantasy world. Think of us.

Is there another place? The people of Oz. The people of Oz. Not in Kansas anymore. Let me try to. Emerald Kingdom. Even the people of Oz would know my name. Oh, Australian.

Oh, hey. Oh, okay. Boy, that was a guy to that. The people of Oz. Australian. I think, I think kangaroo, koala, Tasmanian devil. You would know my name if you attended a bingo game where the letter caller at a speech impediment and couldn't pronounce the letter B. Dingo!

Hey-oh! There you go. I'm stupid. He was thrown off by the Oz for a minute. The Oz completely got me. But he brought it home. Mitch Lion Tin Man? Oh, yeah.

You are going down fantasy street. Like maybe if a, talk about a boomerang factory or something. No, good job. All right, ready for number two. Dose. I am a deadly reptile, and if my clock stops ticking, I always stand parallel to wind it. If my clock stops ticking, I always stand parallel to wind it. I always stand parallel to wind it.

what would you coil up would you it's a snake if you're going to wind is a sidewinder hey oh he got it that was a quickie yes nice kid all right number three's two for two I told you he was good here's number three

I want to tell you my fishy name but since I'm sitting on the fencing why don't you take a stab at it anyways I want to tell you my fishy name But since I'm sitting on the fencing Swordfish Heyo! Yes!

The kid's on fire. He's down to this is the fastest you've ever done. I tell you what, I'm tearing through this right now. All right. Let's see if this one gets you. This one might be a little tough, but let's see. Tell me in the face meet. Here we go.

The last question, can he do it in record time? Even though I am your son, don't be a person. Don't be upset with me Because I like both girls and boys Even though I am your son Don't be upset with me Because I like boys Both girls and boys

So you have bisexual Don't be upset with me Which needs to really Mad Anger by Oh wow By um Is it bipedal no

Even though I am your son Don't be upset with me because I like both girls and boys. You are so close. You're all over. I think this is one where the listeners are going. Oh, dude, come on. You moron. It's so easy. I'm your son.

A bison. A bison, yes. It just moved. I felt it moved. What, your nut? Your giant, your giant, Forrest Whitaker nut. It looks like the poster from twins with divinions.

Schwarzenegger. That was probably the fastest you've ever done it. Who's gotten, who's done the fastest? Who I think, who tore through it the quickest? You know, Andy Dick was really good. Andy was great on it. I listened to that. He was good. He's a smart guy. He is a smart guy. People don't give him credit for how smart he really is. He's

a smart guy on one level and completely not smart when it comes to some other things, but he's an intelligent man. Very intelligent. He's like a Jekyll Hyde guy, but you did great. That might be the fastest ever. You only got hung up on the Oz thing.

Big ham for Justin Schlegel. Thank you. We end out the show on a real high note. Feels good. You know, we started on a downer, me losing your toys, and then you got your nuts crushed on a railing. I'm eating whipped cream off of a fat chick after I snacked on a raspberry lane brints and a brown neon.

We had a lot of things go wrong today. You got locked in a bobcat. I got locked in a bobcat. I ate Twizzlers up the side of K2. Oh, God, but you pulled it out. We hadn't on a real high note. Tell the folks where they can see you, where they can get in contact with you on the internet, follow your stand-up.

Follow me at Twitter at Funny Justin, at Funny Justin. Also, I've got a new website up. It's just funnyjustin.com. So check me out there. It's got a link to my Twitter, link to my Facebook, and definitely link to my Twitter and read it about 1 to 3 a.m. Pacific Standard Time. Because I'll get into the old white Zinfandel and get real emotional. It's not a real like, hey, Zimzamb Zubbueger, this is a bit of an observation about today's news.

It's, this isn't going to work. I'm going to cut my through my wrist with a car kick. Somebody raised my cats. Oh, wow. I'm fat. Like, if you really want to see the downward spiral of a man, but then the next day I'm like, orange juice is the best. I'm going to poo.

And I feel like I have to tweet that. Yeah, I love it. It's honest. It's real. it's it's uh it's america it is america damn it um and mention real quickly justin also has since my my podcast goes out all over the world uh let's mention that you do a radio show on the east coast that's hilarious it's full of your own characters and you've got a great listenership and uh tell the folks uh the name of your radio show and when they can hear it it is the uh it's

the justin schlegel fiasco you can listen at 98 online dot com anywhere in the world You could even go to the iTunes store for Apple or the Android Market and search 98 Rock. Download the app for free. Listen, anywhere you want to. It's 7 to Midnight, Eastern Standard Time, so it's 4 to 9 Pacific. And, yeah, it's just a lot of rock and roll. You know, I'll play everything from foreigner to Boston to Speedwagon to Guns and Roses. But then I do, like, a lot of characters all throughout the show.

If you remember the Greasman back in the day, we'd do all kinds of skits and sketches and production. and stuff like that. Yeah, it's great. Go to 90.0.9.com. You could see a backlog of characters and sketches that I did. Recently, I did a really nice 40 tasting, like 40 ounces of malt liquor, but we treated it like a wine tasting.

We all got done up very nice. We found out what foods it paired up with. Yeah. We had some very nice music. We had a massage therapist come in, and we had a four-piece string quartet from a local high school play behind us while we sampled the steel. reserve, King Cobra, St. Ides, and Mickeys.

And boy, oh, boy, was it disgusting. So, yes, please, check me out online. Number one rated a Knights in Baltimore, three weeks in a row. Hey, eat it, eat it, 92Q. That's a hip-hop station. That's great. That's great. Check that out, definitely, folks.

Boost those ratings for Justin, and we want to thank you for being here again, buddy. Great, great to have you here. Thank you for my new toy with the cereal rhodo. taught or whatever what's it called i i just i call them optimus crisp i didn't know but you he is yours you label him as you see fit i love them uh again my apologies for losing the original but what a great adopted bastard child to have i'm putting them in my collection as soon as we shut off the microphones and unfortunately folks we're all at a time so that's got to be right about now thanks to justin check out all his stuff online and uh until next

time, everybody. Chicken. Chalmayne, baby.