The Harland Highway - PODCAST 287

Episode Date: June 27, 2011

Coins and collectors, the world of art, hockey depression, wild sex story, the Grand Canyon, listener phone messages. Wrinkle my tinkle!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hello, is it me you're thinking of? Or is it my podcast? I bet it's my podcast. They better not be me, because that makes me uncomfortable. But here we go, here we are. We are assembled once again under the mushroom flaps. I don't know what that means. Harland Williams here, you are rolling, riding, rocking right down the Harland Highway podcast.

World famous, delicious, served in kitchens all over the world. We are going to talk about a lot of stuff today, man. I'm going to talk a little bit about hockey, the Stanley Cup playoffs. I'm a little sad about it. I'm finally at a place where I can talk about it openly. So be ready for that. Great sex story. Oh, my God, I had another incredible sex capade.

Wait to you hear what happened this. time. We're going to talk about the Grand Canyon. There's a new feature, a new tourist attraction at the Grand Canyon that some of you might have been to. We're going to explore that. Coins. We're going to talk about coins and coin collections and collecting things in general like art, the whole world of art and coins and collecting and gathering and storing and all that nerdy stuff. But there's no nerds here. You're cool, because you're here on the Harland Highway. Welcome to the Harland Highway.

You fellas been doing a bit of booze and have you? Sucking back on Grandpa's old cough medicine. There's an element of uncontrolled chaos. The Harland Highway. Serving everyone from presidents and kings to the scum of the earth. What a treat. Oh, wait. Was you a great big fat person?

You just made a wrong turn. onto the Harland Highway. You need many years of therapy. Hey, Harlan, it's Stephanie from Bedford. Just do me. You might want to think twice before sticking your penis in there. Just do me.

You're riding down the Harland Highway with Harland Williams. Oh, boy. So they want to introduce or really. reintroduce the dollar coin we got pennies dimes nickels quarters there's even a 50 cent coin do do we really need to have more change jingling around in our pockets especially when we're going through airport security now and they make you dump out all your coins when you're doing your laundry do you need more do you need more jingling and jangling when you're walking down

the street just alerting would-be thieves that you got a pocket full of coins And now that they're worth a dollar, you're all that more tastier to rob. Just jingling down the street. You sound like an old cowboy striding down the middle of the road with your spurs jingling. Or you're kind of like walking like a hunchback because you get so much weight in your pocket from all the coins, your body's lelting to one side. Yes, master.

I bring you the dollar coins. Yes, you go. Put it on the table. Yes, master. It's alive, alive. And it's worth a dollar, master. Shut up, ego. Yes, master.

This is Harland Williams. We don't need more coins. How about you spend your time and print up million dollar bells? And just give us each one. Just one each. Are you a coin collection? Are you coin, are you a coin collector, little buddy? That's a whole weird world, isn't it?

People collecting coins, hang on to them their whole life, probably die and pass them on, and somehow something that was once worth a nickel is suddenly worth $400. It's funny, it's probably the best representation of how humans are so silly when it comes to just placing value on things. You know?

I mean, it was clearly designed to be a nickel, and, you know, there's nothing on it that says it's more than a nickel, but humans, with their little hobbies and their little appraisals and their little assessments, are like, oh, my goodness. How long has that nickel been around? Well, it says here it was minted in, uh, 1947 and what year is it now uh 2015 oh my goodness well the just by making it to 45 years of age it's surely got to be worth 450 dollars okay i'll go along with that

okay then it's done it's just a kind of bizarre and then uh you know if you ever if you ever see a a show or a documentary on coin collectors, you know? The slightest little scrape or the slightest little, you know, if the silver's faded or there's a blemish or a chip. Oh, that's $100 off. Like, how the hell do they determine the value of these things? It's just funny. It's like anything.

It's like antiques. It's like old cars. It's like it's all such. just like floating, you know, ambiguous information. It's just kind of somebody somewhere put a price tag on. It's like art. This Picasso will be sold for $200 million. All right.

Now, roll the tape back, okay, Pablo Picasso, famous artist. This guy probably, you know, stretched a canvas somewhere that he bought. for $1.49, found some old driftwood, stretched the canvas across it. You know, Pablo Picasso liked to stand around top with his shirt off and just, you know, out on his porch, painting. So picture this old guy, white hair, pot belly, gray hair on his chest, balding, old pipe in his mouth, and he's just standing out on his Spanish porch, hot weather, you know, shirtless. He's just doing what he's doing, you know.

Ah, it throws the color here. I put some green there. I do a girl with one eye. I put her leg behind her head. I put a piece of a piece of cheese over here and some crooked teeth. I put some purple and some brown and some. some yellow. And let's see, the whole thing cost me, uh, the canvas was $1.59. The driftwood was next to nothing. It took two hours of my life. Okay, whole thing, $34 for you.

Right? That's probably what it's worth, but, oh no, here come the humans. Oh, my goodness. Look at the texture. Look at the richness. I wonder what he was thinking. Well, it's obvious he was thinking about the turmoil that mankind goes through on a daily basis in society and look at the way he put that eyeball over on the left corner as if to lure the viewer's vision up into the edge and frame the oh boy no not oh boy how about two hundred million dollars oh boy okay 300 asshole I mean, it's just, it's a funny, funny world, the whole world of collecting. And you got art galleries full of paintings that, granted, are great, they're good. I've studied art.

I've studied art history. I've studied all kinds of art, man. Postmodern, classical Renaissance, modern, you know, just I've seen it all, man. And, you know, it's what makes one piece of art better than the other? What commands $300 million versus some guy that gets $5? But it's all about how we value it, the value we put on it. It's a small group of people, the hoity-toitys in the art world. Let's see, we need to know.

new famous artist. That one there, the grapefruit smashed up against the elephant's forehead. Yes, wonderful. Okay, that person there will be the next giant artist. I don't know how they do it. But maybe I'll, I don't know,

sit down and paint about it and see what comes up. Do you have artwork hanging in your house? Do you have pictures hanging? in your apartment or your trailer or even at work how many of us really know much about art

how many of you have the beautiful framed photograph of the loon floating on the lake and then underneath in a big giant caption it says motivation right

they're the one of the wolf howling and it says power they're these weird photos that are supposed to remind you to be something. Or, you know, you look in your living room and over the fireplace, there's a painting of a boat floating out on the sea. Or in the living room, there's kind of an abstract bunch of flowers

and a girl's face and it's kind of crooked, looks a little Picasso-ish. How do you know how to pick out the right art? How do you know what looks good if you don't know anything about art? people come over oh my god i just love that painting of the bull sticking its head into the ocean oh my god the colors the dazzling oh it's so beautiful uh well thanks but that's actually a woman and a child walking in a park oh wait a minute oh right right i was standing crooked okay beautiful Beautiful, just wonderful. I don't know.

When people come over, right, do you ever have to explain your art? You just bought it at IKEA or you founded at like an office depot? They're like, oh my God, look at that painting. Look at the vibrant colors. Why did you pick that? What a deep painting. Oh, my God. Why this one?

I mean, tell me how you think. Well, okay. only 2999 and it was in the bargain bin at office depot no really i mean where did this where did you get this wonderful piece of work okay you got me i got at ikea oh fabuley harland williams all right let's let's get off the topic of art and talk about the art of hockey oh god it's only now i can talk about it okay it's a little A little bit after the Stanley Cup fiasco that went down recently. You know, you pick a team and you're rooting for the team.

And here's what happened. It was the Boston Bruins and the Vancouver Canucks. I'm rooting for the Vancouver Canucks because I'm a Canadian boy. And by the way, the big stars on the Boston Bruins are Canadian boys too. FYI, but nonetheless, you kind of have to go with the country you were born in. So I'm rooting for the Vancouver Canucks, and as we know, they lost in seven games, they lost. But what's frustrating is when a team wins a number of games. Obviously, the Vancouver Canucks won three games out of the seven.

And what's frustrating is they won the three games before the Bruins won the four games. And so you're picked up on this high, you're like, oh, my team's two games in the lead in the best of seven series. They're out front, two games. So they drop one here. There's still two games, and then they lose one, and then they come back and they win the next one. And you're like, oh, they're three games. They're only one game away from the Stanley Cup. and the other team's two or three games.

Oh, we're going to win it. And then the other team just powers on through and crushes you. Oh, gosh. I don't usually get bummed about sports, but, you know, let's face it, hockey was invented in Canada. It's the Canadian game. We were raised on hockey.

It's probably as passionate of sport in Canada as it is for down here in the U.S., you got people who are just maniacs for the NFL, for football. It's on the same level, if not even more, because, you know, America's got so much stuff. They got basketball, they got baseball, they got football. Canada, especially when I was growing up, all we really had was hockey.

That was it. That was the only thing we could call our own. It was the only sport we really had. It was the only sport that was really televised in Canada. and so you just, you know, I'm sure you remember the Olympics last year where Canada went into a really close overtime game with the U.S. and Canada won. I mean, you can't imagine what a moment that was for Canadians.

And so we lost the cup in seven games in a best of seven series. Oh, I'm just crawling out of my manic depression. I almost went, put on some. some figure skates and threw myself under a Zamboni. Okay? For those of you that don't know what a Zamboni is, that's the thing that cleans the ice,

scrapes the ice in between periods in a hockey game. Yeah, I was going to off myself, throw on some figure skates, gel my hair, and dive under a zamponi. No, I wasn't, but you get the gist.

It's just, it's frustrating. it's depressing, it's sad, but you know what? One thing I've learned about hockey at the end of the game, everybody shakes hands. That's what's great about the sport. If you ever watch hockey, the winners and the losers line up at the end of the game, and they go down the line and each player shakes hands with the other. And so on that note, in keeping with the sportsman-like tradition,

I'm going to tip my hat. I'm going to say congratulations to Boston. You definitely earned it. I watched every game. You muscled your way. You outshot your way. You just, you just, you did it. You did it.

And I got to give you congratulations because it's not easy. So there you go. I'm sad or Canucks lost. Still a great team. But they've never won the Stanley Cup. And that's what heard a little bit more. You know, the Boston Bruins have a nice legacy of winning the Stanley Cup. cup. They had Bobby Orr and Phil Esposito and all these great players back in the, you know, the 60s and

the 70s. They'd won the cup. The Vancouver Canucks have never won the cup. This was their third trip to the finals. And sadly, they came up a game short. Hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex? No? Yes. Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy, all will be packaged and sent discreetly for free and fast.

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So I'm hanging up my figure skates. I will not jump under the Zamboni, but way to go, Boston. Tough luck, Vancouver. Hopefully next time. I mean, the odds of a player getting a Stanley Cup in their hockey career is slim. When you think of all the teams and getting traded and blah, blah, blah. So there you go. I just had to vent a little.

I don't know how many of you are hockey fans. Probably, you know, maybe not a lot. But come on, let me vent, guys. I mean, if you don't let me vent, guess what I'm doing. Yeah, that's right. I'm putting on some figure skates. I'm jelling my hair, and I'm jumping under a zamboni. Okay?

So I got it out of my system. Let's move on to something more thrilling. How about this? Oh, my God. Speaking of sporting events. I was at a football game, a college football game earlier this year, and oh, my God, I dropped my wallet. Under the bleachers.

I was sitting in some bleachers. My wallet went through. And I'm like, oh, my God. So I ran down. I go under the bleachers to get my wallet. And just as I pick it up, I hear a voice, and it's this beautiful, sexy voice. It's like, hey, what are you doing down here? And I look over, it's a beautiful, like, strawberry blonde wearing Daisy Duke shorts.

And I mean the A-style Daisy Dukes. like, you know those ones that are cut so high in the butt cheek that half the butt cheek hangs out? Yeah. The Daisy Dukes are beating up old brown cowboy boots and like

a tank top and I'm like oh, I'm sorry I lost my wallet. And she goes, oh really? Because I lost my virginity. And I was like stumped. I go, oh, really? When? And she goes, right about now. I'm like, what are you talking about?

And then she goes, whoops, I drop my wallet. And she throws her little handbag on the ground, slowly bends over, like purposefully, bends over, uber slow with her butt facing me. She goes, why don't you come over here and help me pick it up? So I walk over. I am kind of behind her. she backs up, presses her half-exposed buttocks into my groin area, starts grinding back and forth, and before I know it,

we interrupt our program to bring you this important message. Hi, this is Harlan Williams, asking for your vote to become the next president of the United States of America. Hi folks, I'm Harlan Williams, a Canadian with American citizenship, and I'm looking to be the first Canadian president of the United States of America. If elected, the Internet will only be used to order Chinese food and watch ping pong. The Statue of Liberty will be painted blue and be renamed Statue of Papa Smurf. Popcorn will only be able to be eaten anally. I'm Harlan Williams, and I approve this message.

Harlan William for president. Let's boil some ass. Now, back to our show. We get up off the cold grass. She pulls my pants up, sticks her tongue in my belly button, and says, it was nice meeting you. Walks away, goes back up into a sea of thousands of people, and I go back to my seat, my friends are like,

where were you? And I'm like, don't ask, you're not going to believe it. Wow. So, look, I don't normally share my sex capade stories. I don't, it's kind of rude, maybe, a little graphic, a little inappropriate, I know. And I wouldn't do it. I wouldn't tell you this stuff

if it wasn't so damn erotic and sexy. And it's almost like I can't. can't not tell someone about it. So thank you for listening. I hope I didn't, you know, get you all fired up. But wow. Let me change the topic real fast because just wow. Hey, it's me, Harlan Williams, riding with you.

Everyone's always looking for a new tourist attraction to go to. Turns out a tribe of Indians out in Arizona have come up with this new deal at the Grand Canyon. where it's like a 70-foot platform you can walk out onto. It's got a glass bottom, and basically you can stand on it and look right down into the canyon. Yeah, it's like you're standing over the air. You kind of get that same feeling, Wiley Coyote gets every time he runs off a cliff, you know, when he's chasing the roadrunner, and he just hovers in mid-air,

for about three, four seconds, and then he holds up the little sign that says, yikes, and down he goes. Well, you can get all that magical wily coyote sensation, but you don't have to fall. You can just stand there on the glass looking down, looking a mile deep into the Grand Canyon. It's only 50 bucks or something crazy like that, you know.

Or you can do like I do is just go 30 feet to the side, and stand on the edge of the Grand Canyon and look down a mile deep into the Grand Canyon for free. But, hey, who am I to tell you how to look into your canyons? Everyone I know has their own vibe about their canyons. So if you want to float in mid-air and look down into your canyon, be my guest. The Harland Highway.

I'll tell you what, too. They have a similar... thing at there's a casino in Las Vegas called the Palms Casino okay and they have a bar called the ghost bar which is a great bar it's way up at the top of the casino you have to take the elevator right to the top floor and then you walk out of the elevator and then there's like a bar and then because it's always warm in Vegas they have like this outdoor like deck patio and uh it's really cool but one of the features of of it is in the middle of the deck um they have like a glass plate floor i mean this glass is really

thick but basically you can stand on the glass and look right down to where the cars pull up to uh enter the casino people pull up get out and go in through the main doors you're right up over it so just to be a little brat what i do every time i go to the ghost bar is i throw on a dress and no undies and maybe some cork high heel shoes and you know i make it look like i'm not aware of it but i always kind of stroll out onto the glass deck knowing that down below as people enter the uh the casino they're pulling up for a nice weekend they get out of their limo or their car and they slowly casually look up and they're like oh what's that up there is that the ghost bar yeah yeah that's right they look right up my naughty little dress you'd be amazed how quickly

they jump back in that car and vamoose so sorry about that everybody but it's just the exhibitionist in me free show see more you know the old Joe. Hey, I'm what's up? It's Chicago Brack. You know, you just brought up with a

Jenny Craig, and I wanted to call and let you know that. Remember a hydroxy cut? A friend of mine worked for them, and how that works

is that they find the young hotties and all that stuff, and what they do is you were kind of right. They pay them to get fat. So they take a picture

them when they're thin, and then they say, there's a bunch of money, then they get fat, and then they take a picture of them, and then they just flip-popping. So they say, hey, I look like this, and then I lost the weight, and now I look like this. And, of course, they get back in the shade and all that stuff, but they do all the interviews beforehand, and then they just flip-popping. But that's how it works. You're pretty close. Keep up the good stuff. Bye. Hey, Harland, it's Charlie calling.

Listen, I have two things for you. One thing, you're going to love the name of the city that I live in. I live in Sugarloaf, Pennsylvania. Yeah, that's right, sugarloaf. I'm cruising on down the Harlan Highway right now, driving through Sugarloaf, hoping I don't get to Cinnamon Town, because you know who lives there. Hey, also, a second thing, I just wanted to comment on your topic that you said about the other day, Jenny Craig commercials.

I like your theory, I liked where you're going with it, but here's my twist. I think that these companies find these super hot skinny chicks and ask them to do these commercials and they say, listen, here's what we're going to do. We're going to tape the after now while you're skinny and hot. Then you're going to eat yourself like a pig. You're just going to eat like a pig. Get huge in fat, and then we're going to take them before pictures.

And I think the reason they do that is so you're guaranteed your before and after pictures. They just flip them. And then that way, if the girls don't lose the weight, it doesn't matter to them. They just throw them out like yesterday's garbage. All right, Harlan, I'll talk you later. Thanks for everything you do.

Love the highway, and I'm cruising on down. I've got to go, because I think I see a cop up here on the Harlan Highway. I'll talk to you later, turd burglar. Wait, wait a minute. What was that part at the end? I'll talk to later, turd burglar. What the hell? A perfectly normal phone call.

Guys making some good points, and right at the end, he throws me a burn. I'll talk to you later, turd burglar. And I got to say, even a little crazier and creepier than that, how about the little kind of noise he made in the middle of his message? I personally think that they would go better together, kind of like a fine wine and a nice steak, right? You pair those two together, and I think they work really well. You want to give me one?

I'll talk you later, turd burglar. I don't know why I'm helping you. but they do work better together, I think. Terd burglar. Dork. Anyways, what those guys were referring to, and I appreciate your calls, fellas. I did a segment a few weeks ago where I was talking about,

I had a theory about the whole Jenny Craig and all those dieting commercials. I've noticed lately in the old day, you just had a big kind of fatty and the fatty would lose the weight and they'd still look kind of rough, okay? Stretch marks and droopy chin and, but nowadays you see these commercials and you see some chick that's like, you know, 40 pounds overweight and she looks fat, but then they show her after, supposedly air quotes after the Jenny Craig diet and she looks like a Victoria's Secret model.

And I'm like, wait a minute, something's not right. Nobody loses weight that much weight and bounces right into looking like they should be a Playboy centerfold. So my theory was that they filmed them first before they got fat and then they paid them to get fat, which is kind of what these guys are saying. We're all over it. We're all around it. I think we're on the same page. So there you go.

Call us Mythbusters, but don't call us. or you can call us late for dinner because look at the time, my goodness, it is late. Time for me to go eat my Jenny Craig home-delivered meal. I think tonight I've got some cardboard, some popsicle sticks, and some wet Kleenex. So I should be losing a lot of calories over this meal. Hey, that's it. That's our show for today. we ended it on a turd burglar note.

Thank you for your calls. Don't forget you can call, too. 888, 52090. We don't use all the calls. I appreciate your calls. Some might be too long. Some of them might not be a topic I'm looking for, but I listen to all of them.

I appreciate them. And thank you for your calls. Hopefully one day one of yours makes it on. We do our best to kind of mix it up here at the highway. Or you can write me, if you're a little shy about talking to an answering machine, you can write me at Harlow Williams.com. So don't forget, I will be doing some live stand-up comedy in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania,

at the Pittsburgh Improv, July 8, 9, and 10. That's a Friday, a Saturday, and a Sunday. please come on out check out the show have some summer giggles it's a great club trust me just go to harland williams dot com click on my uh my link to my stand-up page and you can find all the ticket info right of there um don't forget stitcher dot com you can get the harland highway on your phone for free there's an app there for you to download and don't forget the harland williams.com store where we have videos, DVDs, books, t-shirts, all kinds of fun stuff for you to enjoy and laugh about.

That's it. That's all I got. I certainly hope you had a good time here on the Harland Highway. If you go to Vegas anytime soon, don't look up. Enjoy your stay. And until next time, chicken. Chow-May, baby. I'll talk you later, turdberg.

Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh. Thank you. Thank you.