The Harland Highway - PODCAST 289

Episode Date: July 1, 2011

Parking rage,Hitler, lost keys, new iPhones, farts, America is stupid, and Dr. Ascot. Sugar lumps and dingle buns!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Get up, get up, get up, let's make love tonight. Wake up, wake up, wake up, because you do it right. Yeah, let's get up and make love to our podcast, because here we go. Here we go. Check it out. We have an action-pack show for you today. Lord, love a leprechaun. We are going to be talking about a new type of iPhone that I invented.

Okay, that's a lot simpler than the ones that are out there. Have you ever had parking rage, ladies and gentlemen? Yeah, I think you have. We're going to get into that. Hitler. We're talking about Hitler on today's show. Look out. Who talks about Hitler anymore?

I do. Have you ever lost your keys? It's a dilemma. It happens. We are going to touch on that. We're going to play a fun little clip. Are American stupid? Are they dumb?

Are they stupid? Are they dumb? Well, we'll let the people speak for themselves right here on the show today. And we're going to be talking about farts, and that's stupid. So that partly answers the question. And speaking of stupid Dr. Ascots here today, and I've got to deal with that idiot. But let's not dwell on stupid. Let's get smart and listen to the Harlan Highway.

Welcome to the Harland Highway. You fellas been doing a bit of booze and have you? Sucking back on Grandpa's old cough medicine. There's an element of uncontrolled chaos. The Harland Highway. Serving everyone from presidents and kings to the scum of the earth. What a treat. Oh, wait.

Was you a great big fat person? You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. You need many years of therapy. Hey, Harlan, it's Stephanie from Bedford. Just do me. You might want to think twice before seeking your penis in there. Just do me.

You're riding down the Harland Highway with Harlan Williams. Hello, and welcome to Annunciating 101. Today's word will be Brussels Sprout. Brussels Sprout. Let's say it all together, shall we? Brussels Sprout. Brussels Sprout. Let's all try it with a smile on our faces.

Brussels Sprout. Brussels Sprout. Very good. let's all stretch it out together. One, two, and three. Brussels, a sprout. Brussels, a sprout. Excellent.

And one last time, just before we finish. A big loud. A Brussels, a sprout. A Brussels sprout. Excellent. Thank you for participating in the Holland's Highway. Speech Annunciation 101. Enjoy your Brussels Sprout.

Ah, yes, good old Brussels sprouts, which make us fart. I'm just going to be blunt, right out of the gate. Brussels sprouts will make you fart. And here's something really cool. if you want to get creative with your farting, and I know most of you do, you probably sit at home all day.

How can I be more creative with my fart gas? Well, here you go, man. Here's what you do, okay? Eat a whole bag of Brussels sprouts, okay? Um, put some Vaseline on the bottom of your shoes, okay? Just nice, thick, gooey coats of Vaseline on the bottom of your shoes, okay? Just nice, thick, gooey coats of Vaseline on the bottom. bottom of your shoes, kind of arch your back and stick your butt out just a little bit and go

stand in a cornfield or a wheat field, wait for the fart to come, and I guarantee you're going to make a crop circle. Yeah, you got the Vaseline shoes. You just blasts so hard that you spin around and you make crop circles. And that, my friends, is how crop circles are made. So there you go. A little fun activity for you to try out on your own. And God bless you.

I want to talk about the iPhone for a minute. You know, I would appreciate it. It's just getting so complicated, the iPhone. And if you don't have an iPhone, just cell phones in general are very complicated. So I'm proposing that Apple come up with, The i-conk. Yeah, the i-c-c-c-you-know the conch shell.

And no buttons, no apps, no email capabilities, just a good old i-cunc where I can call my friends, and they know the sound of my blow. And I know that sounds weird, but they know the sound of my conk blow. Hey, Larry, yeah, it's me, Harlan. Yeah, hey, man, meet you in the fall at 4 o'clock, man. We'll go to the food court.

Yeah, we'll get some Pandexpress, dude. Okay, I'll see you there, man. Later. Right? Wouldn't that just be the best in the world? Like, just, you know, one-toot, yell. Directed at your friend. You stand up on a hill.

And you're done. No roaming charges, no dropouts, no text fees, no, no, you know, talking on the phone when you drive, right? You can just roll down your car window and be like, oh, hi up yours, doorknob! They think you're cocking at. No, no, I was just on my conk, eye conk. Upyard! Jackass!

No, I was making a call! So I don't know. Just trying to make life easier, not make life harder. So I guess I'll just keep riding down the Harland Highway and, you know... Oh, hang on. Just got a couple of texts here. Let's see what they... Okay.

you get a real phone, you seashell blowing jackass. Blow it out your conch shell, loser. All right, God. Up yours. Better yet. Yours.

Okay, who out there has road rage? Huh? You got road rage. Okay, we've all had road rage. How about parking rage? Okay? Yeah, I've had that. You know what I'm talking about? You get into one of these parking garages,

and you take the little ticket, and the door, the little gate goes up, and you start going up the ramp, and all the spots are taken. Okay, I'll go up to the next level. Oh, there's a spot. Oh, no, there's a little car in there. Okay, I'll go up to the next level, level three.

Oh, there's a spot. Oh, there's a motorcycle in there. Okay. I guess I'll go up to level four. How many people work in this building? Level four is filled. You go, okay, level five. Nothing in level five.

There's got to be something on level six. What, nothing on level seven? Okay, level seven. You just keep going, I can go, and going. I can go. And you're like, oh, no, don't you dare let me get to the roof. I got one more level until I get to the roof. If I don't...

And sure enough, Suddenly, car drives out of the darkness and into the light. I'm on the roof. And sure as hell, there's 7 million parking spots up on the roof. Why is it? There's always room on the roof, but never anywhere else. Huh? Shouldn't there just be babes tanning on the roof and bikinis?

And why are there no spots? Why is it just you that happens to fill the roof with your car? You just get that rage. I don't want to park anyways. Screw it. I'm not going to be the only. guy on the roof. You drive all the way back down and go home. Then yeah, you miss your dinner date, but screw it. At least you didn't park on the roof because we don't park on the roof here

on the Harlem Highway. We're way too cool. One cheeseburger with everything coming up. Just seven man was sprang she just two principles

first she wanted a war-haught a war-haught party and

second she wanted to come promiss-less the only power

and alone in in Germany in Germany okay

whoa- whoa relax everybody relax hold on no you're not at a

Nazi rally. Okay? Yes, that was Adolf Hitler. And let me explain why Adolf Hitler is playing. I was at an airport not too long, a couple of weeks ago. And I'm sitting there in my, you know, my little gate sitting in a chair watching the people wander by. And I'll be damned if some guys doesn't walk by full grown man must have been about 45 maybe 50 okay walks by turns around and lo and behold he has that hitler mustache you know the little the little mustache hitler had it was it kind of went to the edge of his nostrils and then got cut off it's more like a hairy rectangle and uh you know hitler was such a bad guy such a a bastard hated by the world and such a, you know, evil, incarnate type of guy

that nobody ever dare sport the Hitler mustache. I mean, how do you explain it? How do you cut your mustache down to Hitler style and get away with it? How do you not raise eyebrows? How do you not have people say, dude, what's with the, Nazi thing. Oh, nothing. This is nothing.

This is just my mustache. Yeah. Okay, there, Hitler. So anyways, I see this guy, and I almost can't believe it. Because first of all, it's a goofy mustache. It's kind of a weird mustache. You know, only Hitler would probably

wear a mustache like that. I mean, I'm sure guys back in the day had them, but it's kind of, it's kind of, you know, fitting that a nut like Hitler would have kind of an off-center mustache, right? And he almost pretty much trademarked that mustache. He almost patented that mustache, because like I said, no one else can wear it anymore. If you do, you're probably going to get a verbal lashing from someone, which is weird. But Hitler still strikes a very strong cord in the hearts of people.

over the world. He creates like a visceral reaction, just hearing his name or seeing imagery of him. So you can't very much wander around with a Hitler mustache. But here's the kicker, okay? This guy walking around with the Hitler mustache was a military guy. I panned down from the mustache, and I got to say even his haircut was a little close to Hitler's. I pan down, and this guy's wearing the camouflage fatigues, the flack jacket, and the camouflaged pants, and the Army boots.

And there was a bunch of other, like, military personnel milling around this airport, because that's how, you know, military personnel get around when they're not on military aircraft. And you'll see a lot of them at the major airports. So I was like, wow, wait a minute. This guy's sporting the Hitler thing, and he's a U.S. soldier, man. Something just didn't compute. And, you know, I wonder if anyone had ever said anything to him, if any of his commanders had ever said anything to him.

I just don't know. But it's a weird, weird thing, man. It's a weird, weird thing. And, you know, Is it kind of mocking the military? You can't do a Hitler mustache without kind of knowing you're doing it, right? So anyways, just an observation I thought I'd share with you folks. And there you go, man.

Just word to the wise. Maybe you want to stay away from the old Hitler mustache and stick with a Tom Selleck or a Freddie Mercury or anything. So there you go. My experience with the Hitler mustache. Thank you. Thank you very, very much. Hello, good talk.

This is Darius from Berlin, Germany. Riding down the Holland Highway with Holland Williams. Just here to remind you that yellow is absolutely without a doubt, the new purple. Have a wonderful day. I see in garden, our shverden doubt. Did I do it right? Did it, was that good? Yeah.

Okay, I go for sugar cubes and brownie muffins now. Yeah. Thank you. The Harland Highway. Hi, stupid. Hi. Hey, dumbass. Yeah, I'm your lost keys. Yeah. I see you running around the house looking for your keys. Yeah, hey, stupid. I'm right here. Hello. Jingle, jingle, jingle. Ha ha. Hey, dumbass. You lost your keys again, right? Your car keys, your house keys. I'm right here, stupid. Yeah, over here. Oh, you're getting warmer. Yeah, that's right. Look behind the couch. Yeah. Look in the potted plant. Yeah, look under the pillows. Oh, oh, oh, closer, oh, look on the floor, look under the carpet, look behind the TV. That's right, you're getting warmer, warmer, warmer here I am stupid, yeah.

Right here in the middle of the coffee table, the most obvious place, you always forget to look last. Hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex? No, yes, yes, the answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what, you want it to be better, not worse. trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you

buy. All will be packaged and sent discreetly for free and fast. Don't wait. Better Sex is just a click away. That's 50% off. one item and free shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harland to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and a hundred percent free shipping code harland have fun don't throw your back out i was rating fredia yeah you're looking for your lost keys everyone they're probably right there on the counter

or right there on the coffee table not the way you always look in the most obscure places first i better look in the fish tank i can't find my keys Out of the way, fish! I'm on an underwater adventure to find my keys. Three hours later, you're soaking wet. You got seaweed in your hair. I can't find my keys. I'm right here in your hand, stupid.

Oh, yeah, I forgot. You were here in my hand. So if you've lost your keys, people, and you're looking around for them right now, look in the most obvious place, because that's always where they are. they're probably in the ignition of your car or in the handle of your door call Sherlock Holmes you need help yeah that's the worst one

when they're hanging in the door doesn't it just make you feel like an idiot I mean you know we walk around all day we do this we do that we go to the mall we drive here we drive there we usually feel very competent we uh we feel confident we feel like we've got it together.

It's rare when you're just by yourself without a friend going, man, you're an idiot. What a moron, dildo. Right? It's rare when you're just by yourself when you kind of think, boy, am I stupid? It's always the old key in the door or the key in the ignition. You spend an hour and a half looking all over the house

or looking under your car seat. and there's the car, the keys dangling right where they should be. And you just got to go, okay, I'm an idiot. I've been to university, I've been to college, I've lived X number of years, I've maneuvered through this, through that, I've made a living for myself, I've got a job, I've got this, and I'm a complete idiot. Oh, good Lord.

Hey, Harland, I was kind of going back, and I'm listening to all your episodes from the start to, you know, the current ones going on. And I landed on episode number 69, and there's this sketch where you basically kind of call somebody in Australia, and you keep asking them to say, God, for us, America, and that you're the United States. and I, oh man, I couldn't stop laughing for about 30 minutes, man. It was one of the funniest things I've ever heard on your podcast, and I've listened to a lot of the episodes.

Anyways, thank you for all the last men, and thank you for the comedy. Let's get a minute. Australia will succumb. Hello, this is the United States of America calling. Wait a second. He says it's the United States of America calling. Hello. Hello, this is the United States of America calling.

Hello. The most powerful country in the world. Wow. I need you to say God bless America. God bless America. Say it a little louder. God bless America. Let me hear you scream it. God, God, security.

Hello. Hello? It's the United... Hello! to agree with you that one was a lot of fun it always gets me when people actually do it i never think they will and they do and then a little kid comes on at the end and gives it a crack i don't usually replay uh my bits but uh that one was a sweet one and uh it was a while back so i'm glad you liked it a little encore presentation of the united states of americans

the most powerful country in the world. And speaking of the United States of America, folks, you don't want to miss Monday show, okay, Independence Day. The whole show is going to run a little bit longer than normal, and the whole show is dedicated to the United States of America. Okay? It's going to be a lot of fun. We're going to be making, speaking of phone calls,

we're going to be making phone calls right across the country. getting people's opinions about the United States, freedom, what does it all mean to them? We're going to have all kinds of fun stuff, some American nostalgia, some American idiotic people, some American geniuses, but all in all, the show will be about to celebrate America.

So don't miss it. your friends up, wrap them in skipping ropes, and make them listen to that show. It is coming up on Monday Independence Day. I know a lot of people give Americans a bum rap for being stupid and knowing nothing about the world, but the reality couldn't be further from the truth, as I discovered on the streets here, asking U.S. locals about the very world their country runs. Name a country that begins with you. Yugoslavia, with you, Utah.

A country that starts with a U, utopia. Who is Tony Blair? Tony Blair is an actor. Linda Blair's brother. Which countries are in the axis of evil? I know Germany is one of them. I'm not sure. Okay, California.

Yep. New York. Jerusalem. Right. Jerusalem. Okay. there's more than one I think all of them does it start with us Florida okay I'm a little bit mixed up all the Palestinians and the Israelis okay which one is

throwing the rocks no I can't think of the other name of the other one that the fellow with the turban thing and I call it a diaper head really I believe Mississippi who was the first man on the moon John Glenn I'm sorry on the moon, but I think it was a Russian, I'm not sure. Well, I got to tell you, some people don't believe that happened. They believe that was reincarnated in Arizona somewhere. What is a mosque? Don't have any idea.

You want to guess? An animal. I had no intelligent guess. Okay, do you want to make a stupid guess? How many kidneys does a person have? What is collateral damage? Well, they just made a film about it, but that's definitely not what it is. It probably has something with what the movie was about,

but not necessarily related to the movie. Do you know what I mean? How many world wars have there been? Three. Which state does KFC come from? What the chicken? I don't know. I really don't know. Okay. Do you know what KFC stands for? Kentucky fried chicken, right?

Star Wars is based on a true story. True or false? True. What are Hiroshima and Nagasaki you're famous for? Uh, what is Zudal? wrestling or whatever. Where is the West Bank? The East Coast, probably. I'd say somewhere in New York. How many Eiffel towers are there in Paris?

Asia Barthia. What is Al-Qaeda? Al-Qaeda is a group, is a suicide group in Israel in Middle East that they do suicide bombs and stuff. Okay, right, yep. And the president of it is Yasser Arafat. Right, yeah. Everybody knows that. Okay. Listen to my answer. Al-Qaeda is a wing of the Masonic order.

What is the main religion of Israel? The Muslim. The language they speak in Latin America is Latin, true or false. The what? Believe me, I don't know the answer to this question, but I'm thinking. Okay, all right. Israel. Okay, a little fun there, a little fun.

Don't get all riled up. Believe me, when you listen to Monday. show, okay, although we do like to joke about how stupid sometimes America is, wait until you hear Monday show, and I pretty much talk about how smart America is. Wait, wait, do you hear the list of inventions of things that were created by Americans? As I run through this list, it's mind-boggling. You will realize on Monday's show that the success of the modern world pretty much pivots on creations that Americans have given the universe.

It's unbelievable, and I'm just going to scratch the surface. So anyways, we've had a little fun here. Come back on Monday for the Independence Day, Harlan Highway podcast, and we'll hear some more of this fun, stupid stuff, but there's going to be a lot of, I'm heaping a lot of praise. A lot of praise, sweet glory, hallelujah. Oh, Lord Jesus, child, lay your head down in my arms, America, and let me dip you in the holy waters, Lord Jesus.

Oh, Lord Jesus, child, America. Oh, so there you go. we're going to have a good time and if you want to have a good time how about this how about this check me out i'm going to be in uh pittsburgh pennsylvania on uh what

no he's here oh god okay i was just about to end the show as you can tell and i didn't want to say anything it's the second friday of the month And of course, as you know, I have to visit with Dr. Ascott, and I thought he might be late, but he's here. All right, send the idiot in. I got to do my on-air therapy with Dr. Ascott.

Ah, I thought I got away with one, but I didn't. Oh, God. Hello, Dr. Ascott. Hello, All of them. So I suppose you were outside listening? Yes, Holland. Excellent show today, Holland. Oh, well, thank you.

What do you know about it? Holland. Okay, why was it an excellent show? I doubt you were listening, As Scott. Holland, I enjoyed hearing your rantings about Independence Day, Holland. And I look forward to your Independence Day podcast, Holland. Oh, so you were listening. Yes, Holland.

And as a matter of fact, independence plays into the theme I would like to explore today with you, Holland. Oh, okay. Well, that's interesting. Yes, it is, Holland. Okay, well, I guess I can go there. I guess I'm in that frame of mind. Excellent, Holland. Okay, do you not do the name like that? Oh, Come on!

Arland, independence is a big part of shaping who we are as individuals. Okay, I can subscribe to that. When we mature, Arland, when we come out of adolescence, we find our independence, Arland. Yes, okay, I went through that, most people do. And it defines us, Holland. It helps us build character. as we grow and absorb and accept our independence, Arland. Okay, all excellent points. And would you not agree, Arland,

that one of the central historical figures who helped secure independence of the United States of America was one of our great presidents, Abraham Lincoln, Arland? Yes, absolutely. Absolutely. My God, he was responsible for ending slavery and talk about independence. He almost have to put his name in with that word. Exactly, Alan. And would you say that you cherish and look up to President Lincoln, Holland?

Yes, I think most people would. I mean, all presidents have their good points and bad points, but you certainly can't take away from the incredible things he did. Exactly, Arland. And in worshipping a president, Arland, in understanding that this president was part of the origin of America's independence, I think it fitting that we absorb all that he was, Arland. Yes, yes, for once, wow.

Could this be a breakthrough? Maybe we're on the same page here? Well, I'm glad you are so supportive of President Lincoln. Okay, and how does this lead into any type of therapy? I get where you're going with the independence thing, how it shapes us. Now, he was, you know, kind of one of the founding fathers of independence. I want you to think back on President Lincoln's face, Holland.

Okay, yeah, very stoic, you know. Yes, Holland. and what did President Lincoln have front and center on his face, Alland? Well, he had a very strong jawline. He had penetrating eyes. He had no, Arland, there was something else that stood out on his face. An abnormally. An abnormally.

What the hell? Holland. Well, he had a mole, if that's what you mean. He had a fairly sizable mole on his face. Exactly, Arland. And since the mole was part of Abraham Lincoln, and you've already said that you worship President Lincoln, as an exercise in independence,

I want you to worship a mole, Holland. What are you talking about worship a mole? Arlen, let me take my pants off. Excuse me? I have a mole. Alland, right here on my inner thigh, a big giant moor. Oh, my God, what the hell is that? Put your pants on you, pig.

Alland, I want you to get on your knees. What? I want you to get on your knees, Arlen, and sniff my mole. Are you out of your bonkers, guy? Holland, I would you like a nice, fresh pink slip. I do not want a pink slip. Then get on your knees and sniff the big, pink mowl on my inner thigh you have got to be kidding there's no way pink slip

oh my god you're gonna make me kneel down in between your dirty smelly legs and sniff your mole on your inner thigh it's right by your your your my testicles holland well do you have to my nut sack oh god on your knees alland let's try to understand the importance of independence. No. Pink slip. Oh, God. I'm just doing this quickly.

Excellent, Arlen, on your knees. Okay, here we go. Oh, God, it smells like turpentine or something. Alland, I had to rub it this morning with cotton tree oil. Oh, God! I want you to lick the bowl, Arland, so that you really understand. your independence. No!

I'm not licking your inner thigh mowl. This is disgusting. More disgusting than a pink slip island. Oh, God! Now I want you to touch the mole on my ass crack

island. What? I'm going to say four score and twenty years ago, will you nibble my ass crack mole island? No!

I'm not doing it. Get the hell out of here, you pig. All a nibble. Get out of here. Nibble-de-nibble. Four score and 50 years ago. All unnibbled my ass crack mole. Get out!

God. What a dildo that guy is. Unbelievable. Oh, let's hope it ends one day. Oh, please just let it. and let the pain end um and if you want to end your pain or at least numb your pain i was trying to get to this before ascot snuck in the back door uh july eight nine and ten pittsburgh the improv the improv comedy club in pittsburg i will be there live and uh we're

going to have a great time come on out and catch the show um don't forget you can get uh harland williams uh what am i saying here i'm all discombobulated because uh what i just had to do uh you can catch the harland highway at stitcher dot com download a free app for your uh cellular device don't forget you can leave me a voicemail at 888-52090 and you can write to me harlowe Williams.com and also we're at harlewilms.com check out my comedy schedule, check out the store, all kinds of wacky gifts for you and yours.

And my book, The Things You Don't Know You Don't Know, is available there and so on and so forth. Had a great time. Don't forget, as I mentioned, Monday, July 4th. It's the Independence Day podcast. I think you're going to really like it. It's a little longer than normal, almost an hour long. And there you go.

So that's it. That's all I got. Until next time, everybody. Don't go sniffing any moles and chicken. Chalbine Baby Which one is throwing the rocks One cheeseburger

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