The Harland Highway - PODCAST 290 4th of July

Episode Date: July 4, 2011

It's all about America on this podcast, yaaayyyyyyyyyyy! And the Johnny Rockets red glaaaareeeeeee!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Oh, say, can you see by the podcast's burning light. Oh, so proudly I podcast till the twilight's last gleaming. That's right. I hope you're standing. I hope you're saluting. I hope you have your hat over your breast. You two, Dolly Parton, hat over your breast. Welcome to the Harland Highway.

Today is the Independence Day Harland Highway Special Show American, July 4th, Special American Show. And I'm Harlan Williams. I'm your host, and today we're dedicating the show. to the United States of America. We're going to be talking about her greatness, her flaws, her in-betweenness. But mostly today it's about propping her up, having fun, having some laughs, getting serious, getting funny, all of it. That's what America's all about.

So happy Fourth of July, happy Independence Day. Let's get rolling down the patriotic, Harland Highway. Welcome to the Harland Highway You fellas been doing a bit of booze and have you? Sucking back on Grandpa's old cough medicine There's an element of uncontrolled chaos The Harland Highway Serving everyone from presidents and kings

To the scum of the earth What a treat Oh wait, was you a great big fat person You just made a wrong turn On to the Harland Highway You need many years of therapy Hey Harlan, it's Stephanie from Bedford Just do me.

You might want to think twice before sticking your penis in there. Just do me. You're riding down the Harland Highway with Harland Williams. In less than an hour, aircraft from here will join others from around the world. And you will be launching the largest aerial battle in the history of mankind. mankind that word should have new meaning for all of us today we can't be consumed by our petty differences anymore we will be united in our common interest perhaps this is faith that today is the fourth of july and you will once again be fighting for our freedom not from tyranny

oppression or persecution, but from annihilation, we're fighting for our right to live, to exist. And should we win the day? The 4th of July will no longer be known as an American holiday. But as the day when the world declared in one voice, we will not go quietly into the night, we will not vanish without a fight we're going to live on we're going to survive today

we celebrate our Independence Day all all we're yeah All right. Yes, yes, yes, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Harland Highway 4th of July Independence Day show where, you know what? We are going to dedicate today's show to the United States of America.

How about that, man? We're going to have a little fun with it. We're going to make fun of it because that's what America does. We learn to laugh at ourselves. We're going to do some middle-of-the-road stuff about it, and we're going to do some great stuff about it, where we point out what a great country the United States of America is. So we're going to do it all, you know.

We don't want it to get too serious. We always like to laugh at ourselves or look at our flaws. And I feel like that makes things even better when you look at your attributes. when you look at what the country stands for and all that stuff. So we're going to be doing that. We're going to be taking phone calls from people across the country today. We're going to go out and hear what the actual American people think of this country, of freedom.

And we're just going to generally have a good old American time here today on the Harland Highway. So without further ado, let's get to. the actual citizens. We're taking calls from states all over the country. I don't know if we'll get to every state, but we want to get to a lot of them. And we are going live on our phones. We are phoning people randomly from here in the studio.

And let's make our first call. Why don't we go out to... Let's go out to... How about New York? Here we go, New York. Okay, so here we go. We are calling New York and... Hello.

Oh, hello? Hello? Hello? Yeah, this is Harland Williams calling from the Harland Highway. Who? Harland Williams, the Harland Highway podcast? This is Eddie? No, Harland Williams from the Harland Highway.

We're calling today to see... You know you woke me up, right? We're calling today, sir, to see what does America mean to you? I'm sleeping, asshole. What are you a pervert? Sir, if you don't mind, we're wondering on Independence Day here, how does America make you feel? Call me back again, and I'll break your fucking legs. Okay, whoa, okay.

New York, thank you, New York. Uh, let's, uh, okay, let's switch gears, and, uh, let's go up to Minnesota. Uh, hello Minnesota. Hello? Oh, hi, yes, ma'am. Hi, who says? Uh, this is Harland Williams from the Harland Highway podcast. Broadcast?

No, no, not Wodcast, podcast, ma'am. Oh, what's a, what's a podcast? Is that, like, fishing and stuff? No, ma'am, it's not fishing. It's, uh... Well, it has it been cast in it, and I went casting yesterday and caught a catfish. Oh, okay, well, no, a podcast is like a, like an internet radio show. How can a radio show be on a computer? Well, ma'am, it's just a technological advance that...

I don't understand. Should I get my mother? No, no, we just want to ask you... Oh, it's okay. We want to ask you how you feel. on Independence Day. I've got diarrhea. Okay, thank you, ma'am. What does America mean to you?

Well, how do you mean, kind of sort of? Well, as an American citizen, how do you feel about being American? Um, well, I love chips. What do you mean, ma'am? You know, like barbets your chips or honey ranch chips or Pringles. I really love Pringles.

Okay, ma'am. I meant more... Have you ever had the barbecue pringles? And if you dip them and ketchup it... Okay, ma'am. Yes? For example, freedom. What does freedom mean to you?

You're in Minnesota. You're American. What does freedom mean to you? Um, well, I guess when I go to 7-Eleven... Yes? I get to pick my own chips. What do you mean? Well, I could pick barbecue or corn ranch,

and sometimes I even get... Doritos because they're shaped like triangles. Okay, ma'am. Yes? Thank you for your time, ma'am. Oh, okay. Do I win anything? No, no, ma'am.

Oh, maybe I should I call the police? No, ma'am, thank you. Okay, bye. Okay, uh, let's, let's try one more caller. Uh, let's go to, here we go. We are going over to, let's go to, let's go to, Ohio. Here we go, Dayton, Ohio. Hello, sir, or ma'am, you are on the air with Harlan Williams, the Harlan Highway podcast. Oh, who this?

Uh, sir. Yeah, what you are, please. Uh, who's this? My name is Charlie Lee. Who this? Uh, this is Harlem Williams with the podcast and, Oh, you got coupon? What do you mean? You got a coupon for Charlie Lee? No, sir, I wanted to ask you how you feel about being American. Oh, you're with immigration or war? Because I'm going to hang up.

No, I'm not with immigration, sir. Just wondering, what does the American experience mean to you? Oh, free ride, baby. I milked like a dirty cow. Okay, sir. Are you an American citizen? Oh, yes, I am. Can you tell by my voice?

What's the matter with you, asshole? Okay, sir. Hey, you got to give me a coupon. Maybe I'll go to an Albi's and get a free roast beef sandwich, huh? Okay, thank you very much, sir. Hold on, I want to go to Albies, get a free roast beef sandwich with a Swiss cheddar melt, huh? All right, hang up on this. This was a stupid idea.

God, let's take a little break and, well, maybe we'll try some other states. Unbelievable. work afoot labs yeah look at my shoes recent polls have shown a fifth of americans can't locate the u.s on a world map why do you think this is i personally believe that u.s. Americans are unable to do so because some people out there in our nation don't have that and i believe that our education, like such as South Africa and the Iraq everywhere, like such us. And I believe that they should, our education over here in the U.S. should help the U.S. or should help South Africa.

It should help the Iraq in the Asian countries. So we will be able to build up our future for it. Thank you very much, South Carolina. Ken Keith Burger with everything coming up. Wow. Okay. So as you know, there's a lot of people out there that think Americans are stupid, okay? And, you know, you just heard from a Miss America contestant that, you know, I feel bad for this girl, beautiful girl, but a little uneducated, a little misinformed.

Not the brightest bulb on the American Christmas tree. But for those of you that think America is stupid, how about this? Okay, get ready. I'm going to run some lists by you throughout the show. This is the first list, and I want you to listen to some of the things that America has given to the world. These are things that were invented in the United States of America. You know what, give me some music. Give me some good old patriotic American music.

as I read these items. Item number one, the stop sign. As we know it today, the red stop sign with the eight edges on it, invented in America. The smoke detector invented in America. The jackhammer, the ferris wheel, the zipper, all invented by Americans. How about this?

The dimmer switch. The tractor. Laxative. Okay? Many reasons to thank America. Here's another biggie. Radio. Hello, we invented radio. That's a biggie. How about the mouse trap?

We invented the mouse trap. We invented the volleyball. We invented cotton candy for God's sakes. How about the muffler? How about a charcoal briquette? How about remote control? Whoever that guy or girl was, God bless him. the remote control.

And in case you can't hear me, you might be using a hearing aid. Guess who invented that? America invented the hearing aid. And here's one, we all know and love. America invented the teddy bear. That's right, the teddy bear. How about this?

The periscope, the collapsible periscope. And here are a couple of beauties. I'll end the list off with these two. air conditioners, hello, we invented air conditioning. And the last one on this list, I'm going to keep going later in the show. Speaking of air, how about the airplane? I mean, just this list alone shaped the modern world. Change the world, helped shape the modern world we live in.

Air conditioning, radio, airplanes, cotton candy, laxatives, the zipper. Wow. So anytime someone tells you Americans are not the smart as bulbs on the tree, uh, hello, I'm just getting started. So here we go. Let's close this one up. And I'm going to come back to more later in the show so you guys can beam and gloat and be proud of being American. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes. Yes. The answer is you. Yes, you always want to have better sex. That's what, you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me.

And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy, all will be packaged and sent discreetly for free. and fast. Don't wait. Better Sex is just a click away. That's 50% off, one item, and free shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to

Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harlan to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Okay, here we go. Let's go back to the phone lines. Hello, we are calling San Francisco, California. How are you, San Francisco? Yeah, this is Harlan Williams from the Harlan.

Highway. Oh, the Harland Highway? No, the Harland Highway. Oh, Hard on Sand again. No, sir, this is the Harland Highway. It's a podcast. Oh, yeah, are you singly? You sound delicious. Sir, we just wanted to call today and ask you about what it's like to be American. Oh, you know, it's great to be American.

It's great to be American. Okay, sir, what does freedom mean? to you? I guess it means I can live in a world where I can be myself, I can be individual, I don't have to worry about being persecuted for what I believe in, what I believe in, what I stand up for, you know, that type of thing. Okay, excellent answer. Where did you say you from? The Harland Highway? Oh, the Harlan Hard On. Okay, let's go to another state. We are going to let's go to Phoenix, Arizona. Hello, Arizona. You were on the air with the Harlan Highway podcast. Hello. Yeah, this is Harland Williams. Yeah, who's this, man?

Harland Williams from the Harland Highway. Oh, yeah, man, who are you looking for? We're just calling Arizona to... Arizona, what's that, man? That's where we're calling right now, sir. No, I'm not sure what you're talking about, Gringo. Uh, sir, I've got the, uh, the, uh, area code here. It's, uh, Arizona. Uh, no, I don't think you got the right, right place, uh, seor.

Uh, no, there's no Arizona here, senor. Sir, it, I'm looking in my, my call ID, I've got the area code for Arizona. Yeah, I could, listen, could you call back in maybe like two or three weeks? Maybe someone could be here to help you, but I don't know what you're talking about, man. Uh, sir, look, this is Mexico. I don't know why you're calling. Okay, let's go to Alaska. Let's take one more state. Here we go. Alaska, hello. Hello? Yeah, Alaska. This is Harlem Williams calling from Los Angeles, California.

Uh, hello? Yeah, Alaska. Uh, yeah, I'm in Alaska. Okay, we are calling you, sir. Yeah, what, I'm a little confused. I heard this thing ringing, uh, and on, and all, over in my, I'm at my friend's house, and this little black box started ringing, and how am I talking to you if you're in California? So you're on the telephone, on the Harland Highway podcast.

Wait a minute. Where are you? California. That's funny, man. Like, as if I could be talking to you in California, what I'm in Alaska, man. Sir, what do you think about freedom? What is this thing? It's got all these little numbers. on it and stuff.

What it... Oh, what's that to? Oh, whoa, what's that noise, man? What's it... Sir, you're on a telephone? I'm not sure what you're talking about, man. You want to go fishing later or what? Okay, let's hang up.

Oh, what's that? Well, listen to the nine, man. Listen when I press the nine. Hey, Eddie. Hey, Eddie, listen to this, man. Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa. Oh, wow. Look, listen to the two, man.

Okay, sir, stop it. Who was this again? Okay. Let's hang up. Let's... All right. We'll get back to that later. Let's get back to something else here.

You're going to like this next story. And here's why, okay? As you people know, I am Canadian. I was born in Canada, moved down to the States. I've lived here for about 20 years just about. I am now an American citizen. So I'm Canadian and American. But here's how it went down.

My grandfather was American, lived in Ohio, moved up to Canada, had my dad. My dad had me, and then I moved back to America. So it's kind of cool. It's like the full circle, and I feel proud to be both American and Canadian. And as a Canadian, you know, when I did live up there, you get an interesting perspective on the United States of America, you know, being the superpower that it is, being the big presence, the big force in the world, and Canada is kind of this quiet little country that sits up top.

And, you know, we love what happens in America. We hate what happens in America. But nonetheless, I think most Canadians think very fondly and very highly of America. certainly I do and I always have and I want to play for you an incredible clip from a Canadian journalist a guy named Gordon Sinclair who did a work for a newspaper

and a radio station up in Canada and this was recorded years ago I think it was done in the 70s possibly and this is a rant he went on where he just kind of got tired of people kind of taking America for granted and and people not recognizing what a generous and great country America is and it's funny that this was recorded many years ago but if you listen to the content it's almost it's amazing how pertinent it is today many of the topics he covers

uh you know if you didn't know this was old you'd think he was talking about today um so have a listen uh and here's uh here's one canadian and just so you folks know most canadians uh feel this way this is uh canada giving the united states tons of credit for all the amazing generous and great things that they have done and given to the world. Have a listen. This Canadian thinks it's time to speak up for the Americans as the most generous and possibly the least appreciated people in all the world. As long as 60 years ago when I first started to read newspapers,

I read of floods on the Yellow River in the Yankee. Well, who rushed in with men and money to help? The Americans did, that's who. They have helped control floods on the Nile, the Amazon, the Ganges, and the Niger. Today, the rich bottom land of the Mississippi is underwater, and no foreign land has sent a dollar to help. Germany, Japan, and to a lesser extent, Britain and Italy, were lifted out of the debris of war by the Americans who poured in billions of dollars and forgave other billions in debts. None of those countries is today paying even the interest on its remaining debts to the United States. When the Frank was in danger of collapsing in 1956, it was the Americans who propped it up.

And their reward was to be insulted and swindled on the streets of Paris. And I was there. I saw that. When distant cities are hit by earthquake, it's the United States that hurries into help. Managua, Nicaragua is one of the most recent examples. So far this spring, 59 American communities have been flattened by tornadoes. Nobody has helped. The Marshall Plan, the Truman Policy, all pump billions upon billions of dollars in the discouraged countries.

And now newspapers in those countries are writing about the decadent, war-mongering Americans. Now, I'd like to see just one of those countries that is gloating over the erosion of the United States dollar build its own airplanes. Come on, now you, let's hear it. Does any country in the world have a plane to equal a Boeing jumbo jet, the Lockheed TriStar, or the Douglas 10? If so, why don't they fly them?

Why do all international lines except Russia by American planes? Why does no other land on earth even consider putting a man or a woman on the moon? You talk about Japanese technocracy and you get radios. You talk about Georgia. German technocracy and you get automobiles.

You talk about American technocracy and you find men on the moon, not once but several times and safely home again. You talk about scandals and the Americans put theirs right in the store window for everybody to look at. When the Americans get out

of this buying, as they will, who could blame them if they said to hell with the rest of the world? Let's somebody else buy the bonds. Let's somebody else build or repair foreign dams or design foreign buildings that won't shake apart in earthquakes when the railways of France and Germany and India were breaking down through age it was the

Americans who rebuilt them when the Pennsylvania railroad of the New York Central went broke nobody loaned them an old caboose both of them are still broke I can name to you 5,000 times when the Americans race to the help of other people in trouble can you name to me even one time when someone else race to the Americans in trouble. I don't think there was outside help even during the San Francisco earthquake. Our neighbors have faced it alone, and I'm one Canadian who is damn tired of hearing them kicked around.

They'll come out of this thing with their flag high, and when they do, they're entitled to thumb their noses at the lands that are gloating over their present trouble. Oh, yes. Love it. Love it. Unbelievable. Isn't that cool? It's nice to hear somebody finally come out and say it.

And, you know, everyone should say thank you for the United States of America. And we are a charitable nation. We give, we give, we give. We don't get a lot back. We have been the country that has invented. most of the major, you know, gizmos and technology that have propelled the world into the future. And still, America gets knocked down all the time. What makes me mad, and even with terrorists and people that would knock America,

they're so quick to knock America or blow up America's buildings, but yet they're so quick to take any of our marvels that we invent to make their life easier. Like, hell yeah, they'll blow up our buildings, but they'll take the cell phone, they'll take the airplane, they'll take the internet, they'll take the fax machines, they'll take, you know, but oh, America's bad, America sucks. Meanwhile, give us everything you got. We hate you, but give us everything you got. It's pathetic.

So just so people listening, no, here's another list. And I'm not even scraping the tip of the iceberg, everybody. I would need a whole two days to list off all the amazing inventions. But put your proud hat back on because here comes another list of incredible inventions that came from America. Here we go. Windshield wipers. Hello. Automatic transmissions. Here's one we all love.

The banana split. For you sportsmen, you fishermen, the outboard motor. How about the rearview mirror? How about a headset? American. Fast food. Hello. Genius. Fast food invented in America.

Traffic lights. Blenders, toasters, band-aids, water skiing, all invented. by Americans, bulldozers, masking tape, jukeboxes, bubble gum, and tampons. American. You ready for some more? Sunglasses? Frozen food. The electric guitar.

Hello, Jimmy Hendricks. This is one maybe we don't like. Parking meters. Digital computer. Hello. Changing the world again. And here's a few more fiberglass, ATM machines, and for you stinky people, deodorant.

Again, just scraping the tip of the iceberg. We probably invented icebergs. So I'm going to come back with some more a little bit in the show just to keep boasting. And now I want to take you to an average American. This is a school teacher out in the middle of nowhere, middle of the country. And here's a school teacher that went on YouTube and kind of told his students in a YouTube message about what being American is all about and what it meant to him. I think you'll like it.

I think you'll take some pride in this. It runs a little long. It's maybe about two, three minutes, but I think it's worth the list. Listen, check it out. Hello, kids. Today's assignment, we're describing what it means to be an American. And for me, what it means to be an American is, of course, the fact that here in the United States, we have more freedom than in any other place in the world.

We have freedom of speech to say what we like. We have freedom of religion. We have freedom of assembly. We have freedom of the press. And we could go on and on and on. Whereas in many countries, none of these freedoms exist. In fact, in many of these countries, if you try and exercise these rights and freedoms, the government will throw you in jail. The government will even kill you at times.

Just look at places like China and North Korea, Cuba. In all these places, the government limits the freedom of its citizens, and it limits the potential of their citizens. Our freedoms are greater than any other place in the world. Our country was founded on the idea of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. The idea that we are all endowed by our creator with these unalienable rights, that all men are created equal. And that idea, those principles are what our country has been founded upon. America was built on that philosophy, not necessarily by history. Those ideas have created our history.

And the second thing that we know about America is the fact that we have overwhelming opportunity. No place on earth has as much opportunity for its citizens than right here in the United States. The old joke and the old wise tale is that anybody can grow up to be president of the United States. And it's true. When you look at the United States, there's opportunity for everyone to get an education, to do what they want to do. The government is not going to tell you what to do when you grow up. The government is not going to tell you what you have to be and how much money you can make. You have the opportunity to go out there, to work hard, to work vigorously, and to achieve great things.

And Americans traditionally have worked hard. We're rugged, we're individualists, we're hard workers. We have a good work ethic, and we go out there and we work hard, and we have built this country from the ground up. Through that hard work, through that opportunity, through that freedom. That's why people from all around the world, throughout our history, have wanted to come to the United States, to work hard, and have a chance of that American dream, that opportunity.

We are lucky to live in the greatest country the world has ever known. full of freedom through liberty, prosperity, and opportunity. And as Mr. Giuliani always says, I'm proud to be a great American, and I hope you are too. Well, yes, we all are, and words to remember, words to live by, and let's face it, sometimes this country can be frustrating. You look at the politicians and the politics, and there's always things you disagree with, But at the end of the day, man, if you want to make something of yourself in this life, in this world, in this society, and whatever that term means, making something of yourself,

whether you are involved in charity or churchwork or an inventor or an athlete or a writer or a singer, it's all here for the taking. And not to sound preachy, but, you know, in some cases in the United States, things fall into people's lap. There's certain actors, athletes, people where luck just plays a hand, and raw talent plays a hand, and a percentage of people, things can land in their lap, and they can have a good life.

But for the rest of us, you know, if you put your mind to something, if you have a vision for where you want to be, what you want to do, how you want to end up in this country, and you are willing to chase that dream and work, work, work, there's a really good chance that you will get there. And that's the beauty of this place. Um, you know, even on a personal note, I live up in Canada where the same principles apply, but at a very early age, I recognize that, you know what, yeah, I could make it in Canada doing what I wanted to do, which I did, you know, I wanted to get into stand-up comedy and I pursued it and I worked and very quickly I became a headlining act. and I was traveling the whole country,

but you know what, it wasn't enough. I had my eye on the United States because I thought, you know what, for as big, for as amplified as I can get here in Canada, there's so much more that I feel like I could realize being in the United States. And that certainly proved true. I moved here, and I've been able to really live out many, if not, most of my dreams, and one of them, including this wonderful podcast. And so let's just say, why don't we say this, that I invented podcasts?

Can we say that? No. I'm hearing from my producers through the glass. No, I cannot. Well, maybe I'm just going to. I'm going to Twitter it out there. I'm going to Google it. I'm going to Wikipedia that, let's just say, the Harland Highway,

I started podcasts, and you helped me. You're all culprits in this. You're all culprits in this big lie that I'm starting. No, I did not start podcasts, but thank God they're here. And so just food for thought. It's a great place. Great things can be accomplished here if you're willing to go after them. And I don't think that could be put any better than by this,

inspirational speech by former president, John F. Kennedy. But why some say the moon? Why choose this as our goal? And they may well ask, why climb the highest mountain? Why 35 years ago fly the Atlantic? Why does Rice play Texas? We choose to go to the moon. We choose to go to the moon. We choose to go to the moon and this decade and do the other thing, not because they are easy, but because they are hard. Because that goal will serve to organize and measure the best of our energies and skills, because that challenge is one that we're willing to accept,

one we are unwilling to postpone, and one we intend to win, and the others too. Oh, yeah, yeah. See, I just love that. That's inspirational. That is, you know, obviously it's dated. It's about going to the moon. And we did, and it's just a small kind of look at what I was talking about. If you have ambition, if you have focus, if you have a dream, you have a desire, it can certainly happen here.

And I just got to say on the note of, you know, speech giving and politicians, it is so refreshing to hear a politician or even a public speaker like, you know, Martin Luther King or Kennedy, and you hear them talk and you feel like it's coming from the heart. You feel like it's coming from a place of passion, a place of doing something for the country, and its citizens for making a change, standing behind things, and not worrying about, you know, special interest groups or lobby groups

or offending certain sections of society or buckling to pressure. You just felt like men like Martin Luther King and Kennedy were just driven. And they had a vision and they made things happen. And I hate to say it, But politicians today, man, you watch them speak and you just feel like it's from a playbook. You feel like someone else wrote the speeches, which they did, and, you know, they probably wrote these ones too.

But they just feel so lukewarm today. They feel empty. They feel like BS right out of the gate. Like even when they rouse you, even when Obama speaks and you're like, oh, man, that really got me. but about half an hour later, you're like, eh, what a load of BS. I don't believe it. And then you wait like six months,

eight months, and you realize it was all BS. And it seems like the politicians are paralyzed to do anything, and they don't want to offend this side. They don't want to offend that side. They don't want to lose votes here. They don't want to lose votes there. So it all becomes very kind of stuck in neutral. and I guess why I played the JFK thing is it it hankers back to a time where it felt like things were happening.

We were getting things done. So maybe if nothing else, a little inspiration. Hopefully we get back to that point in time. I'm not saying America is still not doing great things, but hopefully we get back to that place of confidence, that vim, that vigor. and it just feels like we're really charging forward in the world and not exporting everything to China and India and everywhere else. So just to hammer home one more time, how great the minds of Americans are.

I'm going to do one final list of things that we've invented here, and this is going to be a long one, and I'm just going to rip it. through it and again this is just touching the tip of the iceberg so here we go more great American inventions by great Americans here we go how about we start with this the slinky the microwave oven cruise control chemotherapy the transistor supersonic aircraft that broke the sound barrier hairspray cat litter cable TV video games crashed test dummies. Credit cards, leaf blowers,

polio vaccine, the barcode, the artificial heart, TV dinners, are you kidding me? Nuclear submarines, videotape, the laser, bubble wrap, spandex, and the birth control pill.

The computer mouse, the neutron bomb, snowboarding, the compact disc, calculators, personal computers, hello, e-man, Well, how about cell phones, post-it notes, digital cameras, the space shuttle, the internet, the Hubble telescope, GPS devices, the Mars rover, and swim fins, eyeglasses, fire hydrants, dental floss, lobster traps, the electric doorbell, Morse code, the sewing machine, the wrench, circuit breakers, anesthesia, and the breast pump. Oh, I'm not finished. How about toilet paper, a pencil eraser, the electric stove, escalators, vacuums, and jelly beans?

How about the cowboy hat? Motorcycles, barbed wire, tape measures, vibrators, ladies, hello. Oh, blue jeans, jockstrapes, the phonograph, cash registers, solar cells for solar panels, thermostat, machine guns, skyscrapers, dishwashers, and screen doors. And I'm not done. Slot machines, drinking straws, revolving doors, the payphone, and of course, donuts. And finally, let's end it on this. How American is baseball.

Oh, there you go, ladies and gentlemen. much to be proud of. Let's keep it gone. God bless America. Happy, happy July 4th, Independence Day. And let's not forget something the Chinese invented. Until next time, chicken. Chowmane, baby.

But I want to say one thing to the American people. I want you to listen to me. I'm going to say this again. I did not have sexual relations with that woman. Ms. Lewinsky, I never told anybody to lie, not a single time, never. These allegations are false, and I need to go back to work for the American people. Thank you. I did not have sexual relations with that woman.

I did not have sexual relations with that woman. I did not have sexual relations with that woman. One cheese One cheeseburger with everything coming up! Roger and Jet and his eagles fighting for our freedom. Slide through and an outer space not to join him but to be him. Roger and Jet needs our land. He's our man, hero of our nation.

For his adventures, just be sure, and stay tuned to the station. Come and join us all you kids for lots of fun and laughter. As Roger and Jet and his men get all the perks thereafter. Roger and Jet, he's our man, hero of our nation. For his adventures, just be sure and stay tuned to the station. Thank you. Thank you.