The Harland Highway - PODCAST 292

Episode Date: July 8, 2011

What would Jesus do, stop selling me sexy, hot sauces and hot foods, woodpeckers, sunglasses. Mumbly wumbly marmalade meat!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Holy jumping polywog farts. Uh, no idea what that meant. But then again, as you, uh, listen to the rest of the podcast, you'll have no idea what anything meant. Um, why am I doing that voice? Why do I go down? Why do I go down with my register? Ha ha ha ha. Well, it's only up.

It's, you can only go up from here, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Harlow Williams. Welcome to the Harland Highway. And what would Jesus do? That's one of the big burning questions we will be asking today. What would Jesus do? Would he eat hot sauce and hot food? I don't know, would you?

That's one of the things we're going to talk about today. Can you handle the hot and the spicy? And then I'm going to go on a rant about the voice. There's a show on television called The Voice, and there's an aspect of that show that I'm not happy with. and I'm going to get grumbly and rant about it. We're going to be going on about sunglasses. Do you have sunglasses?

Are they a status symbol? I don't know. How about this? Do you have a woodpecker? Yeah, we're going to be talking about woodpeckers, and I'm not talking about an old ancient sex toy from the pioneer era. No, I'm talking about the bird woodpecker. So put your helmet on, start pecking.

Here we go. The Harland Highway Welcome to the Harland Highway You fellas been doing a bit of booze and have you Sucking back on Grandpa's old cough medicine There's an element of uncontrolled chaos The Harland Highway Serving everyone from presidents and kings

To the scum of the earth What a treat Oh wait Was you great big fat person You just made a wrong turn On to the Harland Highway You need many years of therapy Hey, Harlan, it's Stephanie from Bedford. Just do me.

You might want to think twice before sticking your penis in there. Just do me. You're riding down the Harland Highway with Harlan Williams. Hey, it's Harlan Williams here on the Harlan Highway, and what would Jesus do? Huh? What would Jesus do? Uh, folks, I hate to say this, but, you know, Jesus ain't around anymore. I mean, in spirit, yeah, he is.

He's the son of God. He's here. But, you know what? If you brought Jesus back today and you pulled that little number on him, let's say, you know, there was a bank robbery. The bank robber had a gun. And he says, everyone on the floor, I'm going to shoot y'all. And someone goes, well, what would Jesus do?

And if Jesus was there, what could he do? He doesn't know modern times. He'd be like, well, I shall walk across the lake. Is that okay? Is that what I do? Would that stop the bank robbery? Hello? Hello?

Can I get a lake? Hello? You know what I mean? Or, you know, let's say you're confronted with temptation. Let's say you're at a store and you see an iPod and you want to steal it and someone sees you putting it in your pocket, and they go, what would Jesus do? Well, let's say Jesus was there.

He doesn't know what an iPod is. He doesn't even know what a mall is. Maybe he'd be like, uh, I shall give you seven loafs of bread and seven fishes. In return for that little mechanical device that plays music and movies, would that be a good fair trade? I mean, come on, it's not applicable today. What about the war in Iraq, Jesus?

Well, I could turn your water into wine if that would be easier than a war. I mean, everybody could use a good drink, I think. Everyone seems to be on edge about the war. Maybe give you that water. I'll make you nice pelegrino or, you know, a nice red. I don't know. It seems unfair to Jesus to put him on the spot, considering he was walking around in sandals and waving palm fronds.

Okay? Let's leave Jesus out of it and take responsibility for ourselves. What would you do? Okay? Don't put it on Jesus. What would you do, Mr. and Mrs. Take responsibility. Do the right thing.

Here's what you do. You go right to the Harland Highway and have a good old-fashioned God-loving good time. Amen. to that. Hello! Thank you. Have you seen this show on NBC called The Voice? I haven't seen it. I've got my American Idol. I don't need another singing show. Thank you very much. But here's why I played the theme for The Voice. And in case you don't know, if you don't watch TV, it's another singing competition show on primetime network television. and it's got a cast of celebrity judges,

you know, some legitimate singers, and then Christine Aguilera, who was kind of sort of maybe a pop star, like, you know, 10, 12 years ago. I think she had one semi-radio hit called Jeannie in a bottle or something that was kind of a fringe hit. It wasn't like, you know, a main show, stay of pop.

I don't think she'll ever be remembered in the history of rock and roll as having you know, super stardom status the way Britney Spears did. So I never really dug on Christine Aguilera.

I always found when she sang that her antics, you know how some singers, when they get right into it, they close their eyes and their fingers are moving, And they're like, they're so taken over by what they're singing that their body language becomes almost the way you see Stevie Wonder at his piano or Joe Cocker, like just twist it up with the passion of the music. And every time I've seen Christina Aguilera perform, she's done all that, but it looks put on.

It looks, it looks fake to me. It's like she's hitting a note and doing all these contortions. oh, I'm so into it, oh, but it just, it didn't seem to match. The energy never seemed to match with her. So the reason I played this opening is because, even though I've never watched the show, the commercials for the show do this horrible thing that I hate. And Christina Aguilera at one time was pretty cute. She was probably, you know, in her late teens or early.

early 20s, she was thin as a rail, you know, blonde hair, blue eyes, you know, velvet skin. She was pretty cute. But now she's a little older. She's a little heavier. She looks more like a Jersey Shore girl. She looks like Snooky with a blonde wig. She's kind of lost those girlish good looks, and now she looks a bit more like, I hate to sound mean, but like a trailer park girl.

Okay, I'm just keeping it real. And what irks me is in the commercials, they play that theme I just played you, and then during that theme playing on the commercials, on TV, in prime time, the whole time they're showing slow motion close-ups and suggestive cutaways of Christina Aguilera, with her hair blowing in a wind machine and, you know, cutaways to her pouting lips

with red lipstick and a shot of her with her arms up over her head and she's kind of doing that kind of look at the camera, like sideways look with her eyes, that kind of, if I'm being blunt, it's like, hey, come fuck me. You know? That type of look.

She's obviously doing like seductively, little eye movements to the camera, you know, there's a quick pan down her body or waistline or cleavage. And I'm like, what the hell are you guys selling here? It's a singing show. What is the implication with Christina Aguilera pretty much, you know, looking like a stripper with clothes on, and doing all these slow motion faces. of ecstasy and her eyes rolled back in her head and the slow motion face turns.

Almost like, come here, let me service you right here and now. Let me take care of you. It just creeps me out. It's like, what are you doing? You're a singing competition. What's the implication that you guys are selling Christina Aguilera? Like we turn on the show and we're going to see her rolling naked it on a on a leopard carpet you know doing pornographic sex with with line up lines up of men with lines of

men can't even get that one out so upset oh i can't even talk ah poor leopard you imagine the poor dead leopard christina aggruilera with her trailer park but rolling around a line of men i don't know i just hate the uh the whole implication the selling the sex i think you know what you want to sell me the sex uh put put someone that's sexy on there at least don't don't put kind of a chubby overweight has been you know with her pouty lips and our hair blowing in the wind machine and the seductive bedroom eyes doesn't do it for me man and it's just it's it's like a a con job it's like a fake advertising it's like oh man i got to watch this show are you kidding me holy god i got i got i got to watch this girl who knows what this

girl's going to do look at the eyes she's giving me look at her arched back look at her hair blowing in slow motion. What the hell's going to happen? Oh, I'm going to get laid, man. I'm getting late at 8 o'clock on Thursday night on NBC by Christina Agrulyaria. And then you turn it on and there she is in real time sitting in a chair or belly roll hanging over. Yeah, I think you're a really good singer. You're on my team.

You're a really good singer. Beautiful. Really liked your stylings with your voices and the way you're pitched. You're a little pitchy, but I love you. What a load. So there you go. That's my grumpy old man beef for today. Get Aguilera off.

If you want to do that, man, just, I don't know. Throw on an old dirty movie from the 70s. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes. Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what, you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life. easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus, 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy, all will be packaged and sent discreetly for free and fast. Don't wait. Better Sex is just a click away. That's 50% off, one item, and free shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new

toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harland to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping. Code Harlan. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Eba, reba, yeah, who's into the hot sauce, man, when you go out to dinner? Oh, man, can I have some hot sauce? Oh, this isn't hot enough, man.

I need it hotter, man. You got anything hotter? What? You can actually shove my face in the brick oven? Oh, that'd be great. Yeah, just shove it right. Turn up the flames, would you? Yeah, I'd like to eat my meatballs with a full.

flame in my face. You've met them. They'll get like a pizza, they'll get some meat, pour like hot sauce on it, and then they'll put jalapinos on it, then they'll put like hot peppers on it, and chilies. They'll pour like radiator

fluid on it and rat poison, maybe some gunpowder, stuff a wick in there, shove it in their mouth and light it. Just sit back and watch. And they're like, oh, I'm cool, man. This is great.

This isn't even hot enough. Meanwhile, their faces turning pink and purple. They look like a squid changing color underwater. No, really, I'm fine, man. Sweat starts coming down. They look like a cold glass of lemonade sitting on a porch on a hot summer day. All the water starts to bead on their face and drip. No, I'm doing great, man.

Yeah, you can handle your. hot sauce I bet you have asbestos toilet paper at home too Mr. Hot ass We don't do the hot sauce here on the Harlan Highway and you know why? Because we always

keep it cool. Yeah on the Harlan Highway. Hello. Yeah, I got to be honest man sometimes that hot sauce in the mouth is kind of cool right? I have certain times you know every now and then i'll just be like let's do this and i don't do the traditional

like hot sauce like you get on like hot wings and stuff like that you know what i mean i like i like my hot sauce in like a tie dish or even better yet a really really spicy hot curry you know where your your mouth is just numb it's it feels like uh basically you went out to dinner and the guy's like, I would you like our curry? I'm like, give it to me as hot as I can. As hard, just give me the best, the hottest, the spiciest. Okay, just a minute, please put this apron on.

And then they put an apron on you, and then a dentist walks out and freezes your mouth and numbs it. Here is your dentist. He will be applying your chicken tendery tonight and your numb bread and your pika. Pika shrimp. You know, it's like you eat enough of it or you eat a little bit of it, and your mouth just goes numb. Your tongue is so hot, your inner cheeks are so hot that you become immune to it.

Your mouth is just on fire. And then, you know, your eyes feel a little swollen, and like I said, you actually start to sweat on your forehead. And it's kind of cool, but you have to just jump in. You can't go, well, just have a little tiny bit of this hot career, this hot stuff. No, once you commit, once you put one little, even like a little dabble in your mouth, it's on. It spreads like a wildfire through your mouth. And at that point, you just go for it. Okay, I'm in.

It's like walking into a swimming pool or a lake. You know how you kind of walk in hesitantly? You kind of hold your arms up. You're like, oh, I can feel it on my belly. And everyone's like, just jump right in. Oh, it's cold. It's cold. It's like, it's what you've got to do with the hot stuff, man.

Once it's in your mouth, just here we go. Oh, my God. Give me more. Right? And then it starts to feel good. It's like your mouth is kind of numb and you're on fire and you're like, oh, this is awesome. And then you just order more. You're like, you know what?

I rarely do this. I rarely light my face on fire. So bring me another dish. Let's do it. Let's pound it in there because I'm not doing this again for another 12 years. So it's good. It's fun. So if you haven't been out for like a nice Indian dish or a Thai dish where they put the hot

peppers in it and you think he can handle it go out and try it i was one of those guys like no no no i'm not doing the hot food i know no and then you know one day i just tried it and it was kind of fun as painful as it sounds it's it's kind of fun once you jump in once you're in the water it's kind of a weird sensation it's like it's like a pleasurable pain because it taste so good and it's like here's your body here's your mouth conflicted between this delicious food and this burning sensation but you know the burning will eventually just kind of taper off and it's just kind of a fun process and while you're eating you're like oh my god you know you're looking at your friends oh my god this is crazy oh oh give me some more oh give me some water water water

I mean, when do you ever do that when you're eating? So give it a try if you have the guts. It's actually kind of fun. It sounds crazy, but pull up your pants and go out and get a nice hot Indian dish with curry or a Thai dish. And let me know, even if it's your first time, give it a try. I think you'll kind of like it. Let me know how it goes. 888, 52090, 888, 52090, or you can write me at Harlan-Williams.com.

Hey, Harlan, Chad Young calling you again from Wisconsin. I asked you a message earlier. I had a question I wanted to ask you, and forgot to. So here it goes. I think woodpeckers get headaches. That's this little woodpecker, always standing outside my window on my walnut tree. bashing his face all over the tree, mulch and sawdusts, just flying everywhere, and thinking, boy, you'll little fella, you're going to get drain damaged if you don't slow down.

Anyways, that might be a nice topic for the Harlan Highway pavement pounders to listen to, and do woodpeckers get headaches? Anyways, love the show, man. It's awesome. Do have one small complaint, though. I listen to the show through my phone all the time, and my arm's getting hired. Maybe I could get some kind of headband or something for that. Anyways, take care.

See ya. It's who? Oh, yes, oh yes. The dear old woodpecker. First of all, what a name. Woodpecker. That just sounds like a guy, like a pirate. A pirate that had a bad accident.

I have got me wood leg But wait till you see what else I got I got me woodpecker too So loser name But accurate name nonetheless That's what these birds do There's all kinds of variety of woodpecker There's really big ones

There's little small ones And for those of you that were curious About what woodpeckers do they basically land on the side of trees and with rapid motion using their heads and their faces and their beaks, they peck into the bark. They peck holes into the tree to find food. And when I say food, I mean grubs and insects and things of the like. And, you know, all kinds of parasites live inside of tree bark.

And so these kind of creative birds have figured out a way that if they peck their way in, if they burrow their way in, if they make holes in the tree, they get to the goodies. It's kind of like the way we bob for apples at Halloween. So that's the reason they peck. And then also woodpeckers will pack a hole right into a tree to get to the gooey center and they'll make a nest inside the tree as well. But to answer your question about, you know, their faces getting smashed and all that,

they certainly do. And these birds, their heads move at like a million miles an hour. You know, you can try and do a slow-mo thing on one of them, but probably just look like Christina Aguilera pecking for a cupcake. What happens is these guys, their faces and heads are just smash them back and forth so fast. You'd think that their head would blow up. They'd self-destruct, but I guess how it works is they have to compensate for all the physical, repetitive hammering they do with their heads and faces is their brain is set back far in their skull. to lessen the impact on the brain.

The brain is like towards the back of their head. And apparently their brains are very small. So there's a payoff for being a human carpenter. You want to peck of trees and get your worms, your grubs? Well, I'm giving you a really small brain. And you've got to figure you're a bit of a moron to hammer your face into a tree to get a snack. that's like us driving up to a fast food restaurant and instead of going to the speaker

and ordering it the drive-thru, we just start smashing our face on the window. Give me a cheeseburger. Oh, wow, it hurts. Please give me a cheeseburger. Get some curly fries. Oh, forget it. I'm just going to go get a drink.

All I can do is suck through a straw. So there you. go woodpeckers thanks for the question great question and by the way i have a question for you okay you're going to ask me a question like that i have a question to you um are you the guy that does the motel six commercials are you that guy that goes i'll leave the light on for you motel six we'll leave the light on for you because i'm pretty sure you're the guy i mean come on Listen to your voice. Hey, Harlan, Chad Young calling you again from Wisconsin.

And now the Motel 6 guy's voice. Well, spank my bottom and call me polyethylene. I'm recyclable. Your voice? Lefty message earlier. I had a question I wanted to ask you. His voice. Hi, Tom Bodette from Motel 6. Yours. I forgot to, so here it goes.

His. I'm Tom Bodette for Motel 6, and we'll leave the light on for you. Hey, Harlan, Chad Young, calling you again from Wisconsin. I'm Tombeau-Dep for Motel 6. Chad Young. Tombo-Dep. Chad Young. Tom-O-D-Eck.

Chad-Young. Tom-D-D-Mbo-Deph. We'll leave the light on for you. Oh, it's all so confusing. Oh, so yes, I'm going to answer your question. No woodpeckers do not get headaches, but we get headaches from listening to their constant pounding, pounding. Dada-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. So we're the ones who get headaches.

And hopefully you can answer my question. Are you the guy from Motel 6? It's who? We'll leave the light on for you. Hey, Harlan Williams here, and let's talk about fiscal responsibility. I'm talking about sunglasses, okay? How many you are wearing sunglasses right now or have some in the car sitting beside you and you've paid up over $100 for those sunglasses, $200, $300 for

sunglasses that you know you're going to sit on any day now or you're going to leave at a restaurant or you're going to break or bend or twist or crush. I'm telling you, man, you go to any 7-E11, any gas station. and they got $12 sunglasses that do just a good job. Nobody knows how much you paid for them. Put them on, block out the sun. And then when you sit on them, you go, oh, that was a $12 crush job. Now go get some more $12 sunglasses.

Okay? So just a little tip from me to you. Keep the sun out of your eyes and keep your bucks in your pocket. pocket and i don't want to sound cheap believe me okay it's not like i'm a miser but have you ever notice this the only way you ever know that somebody's sunglasses cost an astronomical amount of money is when they tell you right isn't that something they always let slip out you know at some point oh how do you like my glasses yeah sunglasses yeah yeah three hundred and twenty-five You know, but they were worth it.

You know, I don't think anyone with expensive sunglasses ever goes without broadcasting how much they got. And that's why they buy them. Because people want to be able to say it out loud and make you feel like a peasant crawling through the streets and rags. Hey, where'd you get your sunglasses, man? Oh, these are like 7-Eleven, like $8 jobs. Oh, okay, okay, yeah. I went to 7-Eleven once and bought like a bag of chips, but these glasses here, $840.

Why did I even say that? Why would I even let that out? I mean, it's so stupid. I mean, why would I tell anybody that I paid $1,200 for these classes? So dumb, like, as if anyone cares, right? Like, why would I say it out loud? Who really cares? Apparently you do, man.

Oh, come on, as if I care that these were $3,000. I thought you said they were $1,200. No, $1,200. What am I, a homeless person? These were $7,000. But you just said $3,000. What? Maybe you need a hearing aid from 7-Eleven to go with your, whatever those are on your eyes.

Oh, their sunglasses, whatever. I mean, what are they made with, like, garbage? Compressed, like, compact garbage? Right? People get the expensive ones just so they can let you know. And it's like, ooh, the sun, the sun's not going to go through those glasses. Those were $1,200. No way.

Your eyes will be shielded better. than mine. God forbid the sun gets through to your eyes. Not at that price they won't. But me, oh my God, I'm lucky if I'm not blind by the time I'm 13. Oh, the humility. Well, anyways, whatever you're wearing, enjoy them. Enjoy them, look at life through rose-colored, expensive glass.

So anyways, speaking of looking at things, if you want to look at me, how about that? If you want to look at me, come on down tonight to the Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania Improv. I will be doing two shows tonight, two shows tomorrow night, and one show on Sunday night. That's July 8, 9, and 10. Come on down and have some giggles. And hear me talk about all this stuff. in person um so there you go that's our show for today ladies and gentlemen put your sunglasses on and fall back asleep go into your coma until next time we should meet wow little poem there

i hope you had a great time loved having you here don't forget harle williams uh com can go to the merchandise store, pick up some books, some CDs, some T-shirts, whatever you fancy. You can write me at harlowe Williams.com, or you can leave a voicemail. 888-52090. 888-52090. I would love to hear from you. And that's it.

That's all we got. Thanks for coming along. And until next time, ladies and gentlemen, you know what I'm about to say? It's probably the only predictable thing you'll ever get on the Harlan Highway. Until next time. Chicken chow main, baby.

We'll leave the light on for you.