The Harland Highway - PODCAST 293

Episode Date: July 11, 2011

Sea turtles and extinction, alarms, In god we trust, big ears, the pyramid mystery, the dollar bill. Whip my whelpie!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Oh, ladies and gentlemen, step right up for the greatest show on earth. I assure you this is the greatest show on earth, just a nickel to get inside to the greatest show on earth. Well, it's not really a show, it's a podcast. And within that podcast, I guess there's a show. So do not come after me for false advertising. It's not going to get to anywhere. What a show indeed we do have. We are going to be discussing sea turtles.

Yeah, they're off the endangered species list. Some good news. We're going to be talking about that. An extinct species in general. You'd be shocked to learn how many species go extinct a day. You'd be alarmed. And speaking of alarms, we're going to be talking about alarms. Are you an alarm clock liar?

uh-huh i bet you are um what about god is god a liar no in god we trust it's right there on our money we're going to be talking about that saying and we're going to be talking about our money uh i think barbecue eddy's dropping by today always looking for a party someone to hang with we're going to be talking about big ears and we're going to solve the mystery of the pyramids Because that's what we do. We solve things right here on the Harlan Highway. Welcome to the Harland Highway. You fellas been doing a bit of booze and have you?

Sucking back on Grandpa's old cough medicine. There's an element of uncontrolled chaos. The Harland Highway. Serving everyone from presidents and kings to the scum of the earth. What a treat. Oh, wait. Was you a great good fat person? You just made a wrong turn.

On to the Harland Highway. You need many years of therapy. Hey, Harlan, it's Stephanie from Bedford. Just do me. You might want to think twice before sticking your penis in there. Just do me. You're riding down the Harland Highway with Harlan Williams. You are heading home with me, your chauffeur, Harlan Williams.

You put trust in me every day to get you safely home to your. destination and I am doing so but who do you trust besides me apparently in God we trust isn't that right it's on all our money in God we trust I don't know if all the people that have been shot in bank robberies are murdered for their millions or bombed for oil money or stabbed in an alleyway for their wallets are exactly happy with the in God we trust thing printed on the money the reason they're dying is for the money thanks a lot god for looking out for me if i hadn't had this crap in my pocket these green bills i'd still be alive and you got a right in god we trust on there how about uh in bulletproof vest we trust

shouldn't that be the new one in pepper spray we trust in taser guns we trust in taser guns we trust in trained Doberman-Pincer attack guard dog we trust because i got to tell you god a lot of people are going down because they got money or somebody wants their money so let's step it up a little here god give me a bulletproof best please there i said it i kind of prayed right there. Hopefully God will send me some protection because you know I'm watching over you people. I'm like your little

guardian angel floating over your car as you truck on down to Harland Highway. And I got to say, I don't know how much I trust the $1 bill, okay? It's the first bill in our

series of you know, paper denominations in terms of money here. And right there on the front, the United States of America, Federal Reserve Note. Does anyone use that word anymore? Hey, man, can you let me a couple of notes? What are you talking about? You taking like a night school class I don't know about? No, man, let me some reserve notes.

Like maybe, I don't know, a couple of hundred reserve notes? Okay, I don't know what you're talking about. Dude, you've probably got some in your wallet right now. Why are you going to be such a prick? I don't know what you're talking about. I want some Federal Reserve notes. Can you lend me some notes or not? Yeah, here's a Post-it note.

Stick it to your force head. It says jackass. I guess that'll work. Thanks, man. Okay, so here it is the United States of America. Right there on the cover, on the front. side there's George Washington with his little curly wig on and his ascot and he's got this kind of face going it's almost a borderline scowl like he's

so over it or he's kind of like oh what are you people doing here oh can a fella just put on his powdered wig and crossed the Delaware anymore what are you people doing here? Just look at him. Pull out a one and look at the disdain on his face. He's like, oh, Christ, did somebody fart? Oh, God.

Okay, and then we're supposed to trust, right? Okay, so I turn the bill over, the $1 bill, and on the back of the American dollar bill, I see an Egyptian pyramid. What the hell?

Aren't we kind of like not too buddy-buddy with Egypt? Isn't Egypt the place where a lot of the, you know, terrorists came out of some of them? Yeah. So how does the pyramid of Egypt factor into the United States of America? Not only that, it gets creepier. the top of the pyramid is cut off and there's an eye on it with little like things around it

so it looks like the sun or something like there's little rays coming off a floating eye it's like this isn't a $1 bill this is like the cover of a Jimmy Hendricks album that never got published I mean and then on the other side of the bill you got an eagle all splayed out It looks like he's been hit by a truck.

You know, when a bird gets kind of flying across the road and it hits the front grill of a Mack truck and its wings are splayed out and its legs are sticking out? Take a look at that bird just flattened out. And here's the thing. It's like, okay, I'm from Canada, right? The Canadian money, if you look at Canadian money on the back, it's pictures of people playing hockey

it's pictures of totem poles from the North American Indians from Canada there's pictures of loons that are indigenous to the region there's pictures of the mountains the Canadian mountains there's pictures of people canoeing there's a picture of a guy

waking up out of a sleeping bag with a piece of French toast in his hand. All right, I made that one up. But it's all Canadian stuff, man. You don't look at a Canadian dollar bill, even though they don't have them anymore. But you don't look at any Canadian bill, and there's a picture of the Berlin Wall.

You don't get a Canadian 20, and there's the Eiffel Tower. It's Canadian stuff, man. So what the hell? Is the Pyramid of Egypt doing on our $1 bill? I'm freaking out. Maybe that's why when you flip it over, Washington looks so unamuged. Is like, are you serious? You're serious.

They're going to put the Egyptian pyramid on the back behind me. Right behind me. They're going to put it on the back of my dollar bill. Great. What the hell did I go across the Delaware for? Why can't they have a picture of my cherry tree that I chopped down? excuse me what you're going to put a floating eye in the tip oh my god is hendricks coming to town somebody get me tickets i don't know man it's weird

somebody wants to call me and tell me why we have a pyramid i mean i can probably go on google and look it up and maybe i will maybe later in the show i'll unveil the mystery but i want to see what you people think without going on google without going on wikipedia i to hear some of your answers and you can make them up if you want don't make them too long but let me hear what that floating eye is in the pyramid and if i think it's funny or amusing or even smart i'll put it on the show man and maybe later in the show yeah i'm gonna do it i'm gonna look it up and have the real answer for you later because now i'm curious as hell and still creeped out Oh God, I need a barbecue

One cheeseburger with everything coming up This is Eddie He wants to party But they just hang up This is Debbie Hey, how's it going, man Hello? Debbie

Hey, it's Eddie, how's it going? Who? Eddie? I think you have the wrong number. This is Debbie. Oh, this is Eddie. I was going to see if you maybe want to have a barbecue or something. I think you have the wrong number.

Oh, I got corn on the cob. Huh? I've got corn on the cob and stuff. I think you have the wrong number. What about some salmon steaks? I think you have the wrong number. Chicken breasts? What the hell?

What the hell? That was Eddie He wants to party But they just hang up Hi, this is Harland Williams Here on the Harland Highway With a little cosmetic tip For those of you that were born with big ears

Do your ears stick out? Do they embarrass you? People calling you Jumbo and Mr. Spock Well, here's what you need to do go to the nearest office building stand in front of the elevator when the doors open stick your head in the elevator door

and let the doors open and close on the sides of your head 73 times in succession within minutes the ears will be pressed flat against your pulverized head and you'll be able to go on your merry way and avoid any more insults about your giant, freakish, elephant ears.

Just another friendly tip here on the Harland Highway. Harland Williams. Okay, I couldn't wait any longer. Here it is. Cue the Egyptian music. It's one of those things. It gets in your head, and you've got to know the answer. And I still want to hear from you people what you think.

But I went on Google. And here's the explanation for the pyramid and the eye. I don't know if I believe it. I hope you people have something better. It says the eye and the pyramid are part of the great seal of the United States. In quotes, the unfinished pyramid means that the United States will always grow, improve, and build. In addition, the all-seeing eye located above the pyramid, suggests the importance of do. divine guidance in favor of the American cause.

Okay, the only thing that freaks me out about that is that the pyramids were built by slaves. Okay. Now, I don't know if the United States of America wants to kind of have, as it's symbol, a structure that was built by slaves. Okay. The unfinished pyramid means that the United States. will always grow, improve, and build. As long as you have slaves around to build it.

It's just a weird time because, as you know, we used to have slavery. So it seems odd we would have a symbol of strength of power on our money. According to history, the pyramids were built by on the backs of slaves. I know, I'm reaching. I'm reaching.

I think it's kind of cool. It's a little weird. It's very kind of narnia. But anyways, that's the definition that they gave. I don't know. I feel like there's something more to it. You ever watch that? There's these movies that...

What's his face did? Nicholas Cage. He's called the Treasure Hunter or something like that or the I Need to Pay for My Divorce Movies or something. And in these movies, there's all these kind of hidden secret messages on legal tender notes and maps and in the Declaration of Independence and the Constitution and all that. Maybe this is part of a bigger puzzle. Maybe it's a secret. Maybe it's for aliens.

You know, they always say aliens or the pyramids were built for aliens. Maybe this hankers back to our founding fathers who are really. really aliens, and they snuck this on here. So we never forget who we are. The rest of society will grow and forget who and what we were. But we will leave the pyramids on the currency note so that we never forget. The all-seeing, all-knowing leader, Ex Nord 57502-1 shall have his eye glowing in the top of the pyramid.

I don't know. That's my theory right there. Something's just not right. Something just doesn't fit together. It's like kind of going into the desert and finding an ice cream stand. You're like, wait, what? How does this work?

So there you go. That's the answer. I want to hear from you people. 888, 500, 20-90. Please clear up. This incredible mystery. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex?

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this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping. Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. This is Eddie. He wants to party. But they just hang up. Hey, how's it going, man? Hey, who is it? Oh, it's Eddie. Who? Eddie?

Eddie who? Eddie from the hardware store, man. I was going to see if you want to grab a beer later or something, or... I think you got the wrong number. Oh. I just wanted to have a beer. beer or something? Sorry, man.

Okay. Wait, what the hell? That was Eddie. He wants to party. But they just hang up. Hey, this is Harland Williams, and you're listening to the Harland Highway,

and here's a piece of good news. You know, we're always getting inundated with bad news and tragedy and death and destruction. and this just put a smile on my face. I think you're going to be happy about this, folks. On the news today, apparently, finally, finally, sea turtles have been taken off the endangered species list.

Okay, isn't that nice? Sea turtles officially off the endangered species list. So now, if you're down at the beach, you're frolicking in the sun, and one of those cute little characters comes, muddling up onto the sand of those little flippers and looks up at you with those cute little beady eyes and that beak of a face, feel free to stomp the crap out of the thing because, you know, they're off the list. Just kick the living turtle eggs out of that little reptilian freak.

Okay? Okay, I'm joking. People, I'm joking. That was a... No, I don't even think they are off the list. So, be nice to animals. They're nice to you. Never kick the crap out of anything unless you're planning on bending over and doing it to yourself.

All right. Greenpeace forever. Yeah, are you a species person? Do you care about the endangered species? I read a statistic on the Google. Yeah, that's right, everybody. I was on the Google. I was on the Google with the whistle.

Okay, ew. I read a statistic on the Google that 35 species a day go extinct. And I don't want you to think it's all just like cuddly animals. Like, you know, you're driving down the road and there's a moose and it blows up. Oh, my God, that was the last moose. Oh, my God, gone. No. We're talking about animals, insects, fungus, plant life, birds, fish, amphibians, reptiles.

Who knows what else. But isn't that a little alarming, 35 a day? I mean, I think I've talked about this before, and I'm afraid that someday it's just going to whittle down to whatever us humans decide we want. It'll be like selective species. It'll be like the only animals left on the world will be breeds of cats, breeds of dogs, budgies, macaws, guinea pigs, mice, and goldfish. That's going to be our pool of wildlife, man.

You know? I mean, good Lord. Mommy, what was a lion? Well, picture Tabby, your little house cat. Yeah, and then amplify that about 120 times. What do you mean? Well, picture a cat the size of a cow. Ah!

Stop making up stories, Mommy. But wouldn't that be sick if that was our pool of animals, just domestic animals? Everything else just gone by the wayside because of our... mismanagement of the planet. Cows, horses, ponies, sheep, ducks, anything that we could eat or put on our lap and pet. How sad if we're down to like, you know, a hundred species of animals.

And one of those animals is like a weiner dog. Do you imagine the Discovery Channel doing their nature shows? As the wiener dog prowls through the living room, he slowly makes his way to the kitchen. Unbeknownst to the bowl of dog food sitting at the end of the refrigerator, the wiener dog eyes it hungrily. Closer, closer the wiener dog moves. It's just a matter of time now before that dog food has been done.

consumed. And there he goes. He's making his move. He's dashing. He's running across the Lilonium floor. And bang! He's on it. He's on. Look at him. Ravage the dog food. He can bow, and it's gone. And once again, the wean dog establishes his territory by eating and now look as he urinates on the garbage can. has been a Discovery Channel presentation. Weena, The Raw and the Wild. I mean, come on, man.

I don't want to watch a nature show on a cat playing with a ball of twine. I don't want to see the guinea pig documentary. Look how the guinea pig runs through the old toilet paper tube. Look how he runs to the old paper towel tube. Look at the guinea pig. the little water bottle bled-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-p you kidding me and as we look across the vast expanse of the prairie we see guernsey cows chewing grass waiting to be herded into the

barn and milked yes herds and herds of cows and oh look there goes a sheep and uh oh there's uh looks like a piglet there in the barnyard i um who it's crazy wild crazy oh good lord so do your job preserve your species um because i think once they're gone hello um we're gone Weiner dog, ween or dove, weiner dove, weiner dog, Duk, weiner Dug Dweeter Dug, Wiener Dug, Winner Dug, Wiener Dug, Wooner Dug, Wooner Dug, Dukes, Whip, Woof, Woof, Woh, Dukes. Dukes.

Weener Dove, weener dog, weaner dog, weaner dog, Ducsop, weaner Dukes. Dukes, we're d'oeu, wupe, wiener duck, Dug, whew, d'nard dog, wee, Degupe, Wiener Dog, Wooner dog, Wooner dog, Wooner dog, Wooner dog, Wooner dog, Wiener Dogg, Wooner Dukh, Wooner dog, Wooner dog, warning you are listening to the harland highway warning warning all right how many of you have alarms huh you got alarms in your cars you got alarms in your houses what good do they really do huh how many times have you heard a car alarm gone off and just you just walk right by like it's a cricket chirping in the grass right and the car alarm's doing anything you can to get your attention

attention. It's like, ahuga, ah, uh-huh. And, and, and, and, doolidoo-dil-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-do-lil-d-d-d-do-lil-d-a-wwwwwwww. And you're like, whatever, nobody stops. They just walk right by. Sounds like a video game going off or something. Or about, you know, a house alarm. You know, somebody's house alarm goes What do you do? You can't run over there to see what's going on. The cops show up. Freeze! Don't make a move down on the ground! But I'm just the neighbor. I'm just checking in.

Don't get on the ground with your hands on your head. They tackle you. Throw you against the car. I'm just trying to be a good Samaritan. I'm just trying to be a good neighbor's alarm went off. Shut up. Tell it to the judge, turkey. How about at the store, man?

They got all these little alarms hidden in the merchandise. Those big things that are stuck to the clothes. thing. You can't take them off unless you've got the jaws of life. Those alarm tags on dresses and pants and shirts. They need like special pliers and they have to take three months of weight training to pry these things off. You ever hear people just go out? The alarms go off at the store. Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. Nobody behind the cash register goes running.

You stop! The alarm went off. Come back here. They just keep ringing. people in. Okay, that'll be $9.95 for the lipstick. 795 for the dog food. 1299 for the marital aid. Hello. Alarms. The only alarm you need people is to set your alarm for this show. Every afternoon, don't hit the snooze button because you're going to be having a good old time here on the Harland Highway. Or how about this? How about alarm liars? Are you an alarm liars? Are you an alarm liar do you uh do you pull a lot of lies out of your hat based on your alarm clock you ever meet those people they're like oh man sorry i'm nine hours late i my alarm went off and i just slept right

through it sorry i missed your wedding right or people like oh sorry man sorry i missed your birthday party my alarm didn't go off uh my birthday party was at like four in the afternoon. Yeah, I know. I sleep till six usually. And I don't know why. My alarm didn't go off. Okay, so you've got this technological device, yes, that runs according to the world clock, yes, that is precise and off by one-third of one-fourth of one millimeter of a megasecond, yes. and you set this mechanical device and somehow it mysteriously didn't go off. Yes, isn't it crazy? I think the world's coming to an end.

What's happening? How about you're an alarm clock liar? Well, there's that too. Yes, I think you got me. Right? Okay, I can see maybe once or twice. I've done it where I forgot to set the alarm. Okay?

If it happens here or there like a few times, in your life, I'm going to bend a little. But if it's like your go-to lie for missing things and being late, forget it. I'm not buying it. You're an alarm clock liar.

You're a low-life alarm clock liar. And you ever hear those air raid sirens go off? When I had the beginning of the bit, the, like they got the mounted on job. I am poles. Sometimes you go into a small town or a smaller city, you know, and they've still got them. You can see them. The air raid sirens. And as you go into this town, let's say you're on a road trip and you see the sirens and you're like, ooh, wait a minute. You start, your imagination starts to go. You're like, maybe there's like zombies or vampires or

werewolves that come out at night. You forget that the alarms for like, you know, a military emergency or a tornado warning or a tsunami or whatever they're kind of imposing and weird you see them and then when you hear them i mean the range of these things i just affiliate them with like nuclear bombs in the air it's scary it's like it's like an end of the world thing man Um, that'd be something fun to have at a party just to clear everyone out. You know, when you throw a barbecue or a party and people won't leave, you're like, okay, people, time to go. I said time to go.

I said, Thank you. Everyone's gone. Ha ha. And I hate to say it, but there goes the alarm. And that means we're gone. We are all out of time. So sad.

So very sad. But we did have a good time right before the alarm went off to tell us it was over. I think we did. I really think we did. But that doesn't mean it's over for good. It just means it's over for today. So there you go. I hope you had a good time.

I had a good time. And I hope you're enjoying everything you're doing, barbecuing, swimming, whatever. If you want to check me out in Los Angeles, California, in Hollywood, I will be at a club called Largo on Tuesday, July 19th, doing a show there. It's a cool room. It's kind of all.

alternative stand-up comedy room. Jack Black and Tenacious D. perform there a lot. Will Ferrell jumps up at this place. Sarah Silverman. It's a cool, fun room. So that'll be Tuesday, July 19th. You can go online, probably to Largo.com and get your tickets. And then go to my website, harlomwiliams.com.

Look around. web store, buy some fun gifts for you and your friends to smoke or just read or watch or wear. You don't have to smoke them. And then go to stitcher.com where you can pick up the show, get a free app for your cell phone device. And that's it, man. That's all I got for this day. I hope you're having a good one. Thanks again for coming along.

Don't forget you can leave me a phone message at 888, 529. or you can write to me at harlowe williams.com. And until you do that, until next time, we're all done. So chicken chameame, baby. One cheeseburger with everything coming up.