The Harland Highway - PODCAST 294

Episode Date: July 13, 2011

You are a bitch, listener mail bag, cinnamon boy, bbq Eddie. Slurp your salt water tinsel teeth!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Daddy, read me a letter, Daddy. Please, read me a letter. Oh, we are going to read you some letters indeed. Hell yeah, because guess what? It's listener mailbag. Mailbag. Yeah, it's your letters today, not the whole show, but a big portion of the show. For those of you that have been writing into Harlan Williams.com here at the Harlan Highway, We've got some comments, some observations, some great ideas, some gift offerings, all kinds of crazy cool stuff. So we got that happening today.

Here's something you might not like. Guess what? You're a bitch. Yeah, I said it. Each and every one of you is somebody's bitch. And you're probably saying, no, wrong person. but way to you hear this segment and you'll realize you've been somebody's bitch. Even me.

We've all been somebody's bitch in this situation. It's humiliating. It's not fun. And speaking of not fun, friggin' cinnamon boy is going to be here today. Haven't heard from that dillweed for a long time. Guess he couldn't keep away. So cinnamon boy is here. Mailbag, you're a bitch.

Barbecue Eddie, all right here on the Harland Highway. Welcome to the Harlan Highway. You fellas been doing a bit of booze and have you? Sucking back on Grandpa's old cough medicine. There's an element of uncontrolled chaos. The Harlan Highway. Serving everyone from presidents and kings to the scum of the earth. What a treat.

Oh, wait. Was you a great big fat person? You just made a wrong turn. onto the Harland Highway. You need many years of therapy. Hey, Harlan. It's Stephanie from Bedford. Just do me. You might want to think twice

before sticking your penis in there. Just do me. You're riding down the Harland Highway with Harland Williams. Letters. Oh, we get letters. Every day. Mailman, mailman, mail today. Reach right in and pull one out.

Those letters. I love those letters. Let's find out what you've got to say. Oh, boy. Mailman, mail to day. La-da, letters. We've got letters. Yeah, we got your letters. It's mailbag time.

You people think I don't read your letters, but I do. just wait for a bit till they add up and then we get into them so here we go let's not delay anymore let's get to your letters by the way you can write to me at harlandwilliams.com and here we go our first delicious letter here it is this is from rich subject blackberry comment you should spell it blackberry not blackberry and he wrote you should spell it capital b l a c k capital b e r r why whereas i spelt it as one word just blackberry straight across as in the blackberry you probably eat so in the headings to my podcast to tell you what's in them i wrote blackberry and Rich, God bless you, Rich, for correcting me.

Now, for those of you that want to know how to spell iPhone, it's capital I, small P, large capital H, O, N, and large capital E, with one of those German semicolons over the I. Okay, cool, there you go. there's our first letter. All right, let's keep it rolling here. Our next letter comes from Josh. He says, you are hilarious. Well, duh.

No, thank you for that, Josh. And his comment is, I sell you at the San Jose Improv. And boy, what a treat. I have never laughed that much. I listened to your podcast at work. And when I heard that you're going to be in San Jose, first thing I did was buy a ticket. Keep up the good work on the highway.

Well, I intend to, Josh. Thank you for your comments. And thank you for coming out and seeing the show. You know, I always plug the shows when I'm doing the highway, just so people have a fair chance, because a lot of people don't go to my website or, you know, they don't peruse the Internet. So as you can see by Josh's comments,

He came, he went, he had a great time, and I'm pretty damn sure you'll have a great time if you come to one of my shows. So food for thought. Thank you to Josh. Very, very smart, intelligent man. Extremely intelligent. Just you can tell by his comments the things he had to say.

Going to see me? I mean, that is smart, people. I'm betting the rest of you are sitting there feeling a real. Really kind of dumb right now, but not Josh. He made the move. He made the move to come and see me. Brilliant. Good for you, Josh.

Let's go to our next letter. Okay, what do we got here? By the way, thank you again for your letters. Love to hear from you. Here we go. This is from Val. Okay, Val, she has an idea for me. She says, hi, Harland.

I love your poetry. It is beautiful. and soul-stirring. Well, thank you. I think maybe you should have some of your characters come on the show and read their poetry. Barbecue Eddie, for sure. Also, maybe Cinnamon Boy. You should also have an old man character come on and read a poem, Just an Idea.

Well, you know, it's an interesting thought, Val. I appreciate that, but maybe you're missing the point of the poetry. See, my show is really, it's mostly just goofy stuff. It's goofy, fun stuff. And, you know, I kind of throw the poetry in there to kind of throw a curveball at you to switch gears to kind of put in something a little more soulful.

Not that the comedy isn't soulful, but this comes from a different place. So the idea of kind of making a goof of it with these characters... Hold on. Someone's at the door. Hello. Come in. Hi, I'm cinnamon boy. And I love cinnamon.

What are you doing here, kid? I thought I heard you talking about poetry. Yeah, that's right. Well, I've got a poem. Oh, no, you don't. You're not stepping all over my... I just finished explaining that this is the serious part of the show. Yeah, well, I'm not laughing.

Well, you're not supposed to, idiot. I said serious. How about up yours? How about you get out of my studio? Not before I read my poem. I'm cinnamon boy, and I love cinnamon. Good Lord. Yes?

Not you. Well, I'm kind of like the Lord. What do you want? I want to read my poem! All right, if I let you read your stupid poem, will you get out of here? I surely, surely will. I read your dopey poem. Thank you.

I write my poem so deep, using nouns and verbs and synonyms. Because when I look into your eyes, all I see is cinnamon. Because I'm cinnamon boy, and I love cinnamon. Stop it! The hell are you talking about? Can I finish my poem? If you're just going to rhyme a bunch of words with... May I finish my poem?

Oh, this is... I can just see where this is going. Hurry up. Your lips so ruby red. Your hair's so fine and soft. Your skin just like aluminum. Aluminum, whoops, I meant cinnamon! Because I'm cinnamon boy, and I love cinnamon!

Stop it! Cut it out, kid! I'm not finished! Cinnamon Boy has more poem! Hurry up! I'd like to stay and talk, but I really hear your heartbeat. I'll keep things to a minimum. I know.

What? Because you smell... Cinnamon! I'm cinnamon boy, and I love cinnamon. Stop and you're out of here. I am one more verse. Oh, get it out. Let me guess it ends with cinnamon.

Up yours. Hurry up. We could live forever. Live amongst the stars. We could live in heaven or in a condominium. Wait, not a condominium. How about on some cinnamon? Because I'm cinnamon boy

And I love to get out of here Unbelieved Don't ever let that doorknob in here again Is he out of the building? No, I'm in the hall I'm cinnamon boy And I love cinnamon Get out

There you go Val That is exactly why It ain't never going to happen You're never going to hear a poem From anyone else but me but thank you let's move on god that guy gives me

heart palpitations all right let's see what else we got here all right let's see great letters so far it's the only side effect that didn't really work out is we had cinnamon idiot

so let's go to Jana J-A-N-N-A subject Facebook page All right, now that you've decided on pavement pounders, how about a Facebook page for your fans? Benefit for you, you can see demographics for your listeners, give fun little status updates, and get more feedback from your episodes. And if there's haters, then your fans can tell them what's what? Huh. Benefits for us, we can meet other fans and see others' reactions.

It's super easy to set up. I think it'd be great for the cast. And then love the show at the bottom. Jana, excellent idea. And you know what? I am going to take you up on that. Give me a little time. I'm a busy guy, but I think that's an incredible idea.

How I didn't think of that already, I don't know. Maybe I'm too busy podcasting. But a wonderful idea. I am going to put up a Harland Highway Facebook page. so you folks can start interacting and I will notify you when that is up and functioning and see this is the beauty of

listener mail I get good suggestions from you guys Jenna thank you so much let's move on baby all right more feedback from my show in San Jose another satisfied customer that came out to see live here we go this is patrick f san jose improv slash the warehouse bros these were a couple of guys that were in the crowd right in the front row and if you haven't seen my stand-up act i like to goof with the

crowd a lot like to talk to people in the crowd and these two buddies were sitting up front great guys really a whole lot of fun we had some good laughs man and they said they worked in a warehouse so here's their letter. Harland, you're a comedic beast. I thank you for adding me in your act. It was awkward and awesome and I enjoyed every minute of it. I was curious if you would tell me the song you kept singing to me and my brother. I tried to use the power of recall to remember the song you sang, but I forgot. That power doesn't exist to me. I need to get that song and rename it. My intimate moment with H.W. I say, so it could be used as a double entangra. Anyways, thanks for jump-starting my weekend right. Have fun while you're in the bay. I will definitely hit up your shows more off. Sincerely, Patrick F.

AKA A. Warehouse, bro. Well, another thing I do on stage is I just do random things that pop into my head. Stuff that makes no sense. I just kind of go by what I'm feeling. And for some reason, I kept kneeling down on stage singing to Patrick F. and his warehouse bro. And it's a song by the Goo Goo Dolls,

and it goes, Everything's going to be all right. Rockaby. It's probably one of the cheesiest signs. I think it's called either Everything's going to be all right, or I think, sadly, it might be called Rockabai. And obviously, they went out of their way to write a rock ballad. And it is cheesy, man.

And I just got it in my head, and I sang it to these guys. Everything's going to be all right. Rock goodbye. I got to play the real one right now, just so you know. It's way to you hear the cheese. I told her, I ain't so sure about this place.

It's hard to play a gig in this town. straight face it seems like everybody's got a plan looks kind of like Nashville with a town every thing's going to be on the

night rock abide rock abide every thing's going to be on Sing it. Everything is going to be all right. Rock goodbye.

Rock goodbye, yeah. Whatever in me is going to be all right. Rocker bye. Rocker bye. Oh, bye, rockabide, rockerbigh, rockerby. Rockerby. Hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex? No, yes?

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That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping. Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Oh, really?

Wow. Whoa. Whoa. Wow. Okay. I got sucked back into it again. Again, man. Oh, yeah.

Rockabai. I still don't know the name of the guy who does it. It might not be the Goo Goo Goo Dolls. I think it's somebody else, but you can look it up. It's called Rockabai. There it is. Maybe I'll sing it to you one day if you come to my show. And if not, I'll come to your warehouse and do it for you, personally even. So there we go. Thank you, Patrick F. Rockabai.

And let's go to one last letter here. We have time for one more. Here we go. What do we got? All right. I don't think it can get any crazier than rockabye, but let's see what we got. All right, here we go. Last letter of the listener mailbag. Listen to this. Lauren Bozich. Wow, that almost says Bezach.

What's up, Bezach? It's B-O-Z-I-C-H. And here's the subject. Ask Cakes for Life. Okay, here's where doing stand-up is cool and you get some cool perks. Lauren is a fan of mine. or letter, hello Harland, so I see

you're coming to Cleveland in September brackets can't wait. Time to plan yet another ass cake. It has to be even nastier than last years. Let me know if you have any ideas or flavor requests.

Otherwise, I will just surprise you. I love my once-a-year treat to make sweet ass for our favorite comedian. Have a kick-ass day, and we will see you in September. Lauren B. So let me give you the back story.

There's this wonderful girl, Lauren, and she owns a cake-making company. It's called whiteflowercake.com. If you want to go there, I recommend it. This girl is an artiste. She is a genius. I don't know if I've ever seen a better cake-maker. I'm not kidding.

So I guess there's a few bits in my act where I joke about ass cheeks or asses or whatever. You know, standard fair. And she picked up on that, or maybe she just knows that I'm an ass man. And I go to this wonderful club called the Pickwick and Frolic in Cleveland every year. And I'll be there in September. And every year, over the last four or five years, Lauren has shown up with one of her cakes shaped as an ass. A woman's beautiful.

I mean, these cakes are so real. it's like a woman's ass sticking up in the air with a G string on or sometimes it's just completely nude and I have to get graphic because these cakes are graphic it's basically if you were a guy and you were standing behind a girl or kneeling behind a girl who was doing a doggy style you just see her butt right there in front of you

so what Lauren does is she does these beautiful round voluptuous butt cheeks and then just the start of the lower back, you know, where the tramp stamp would be. And there's the butthole. And these cakes not only look incredible, they taste incredible. She makes chocolate cakes, and the ass, the skin, or whatever it is,

is the icing. And you can't tell if you want to make love to these cakes or you want to hang them over the fireplace, but ultimately we all end up eating them we cut the cut the ass oh god this sounds bad we cut the ass right there at the comedy club and we share we hand out pieces of ass cake and everyone eats ass god i can no matter how i say this it comes out sounding horrible but loren is incredible cake maker you know what lauren surprised me last year i have to say she got a little nasty.

She put some explosive material coming out of the ass, some chocolate icing that was kind of funny, but at the same time repulsive, and yet still the cake was delicious. So it's just her little fetish, and she loves to do it, and I look forward to it, and I want Lauren to write to me here, because I know she's listening, write to me here,

at harlough williams.com about a week before i get out there and i'm getting you some free tickets to the show anyone who makes me anyone who bakes me an ass in an oven they're getting free tickets to my show so surprise me i look forward to it and uh you know maybe maybe a a uh an ass cake with a tattoo on it or uh you know something crazy i don't know you're the artiste and i'm about to close the mailbag right i think i almost said i'm about to close the ass cake no i'm about to close the mailbag thank you everybody for your letters don't forget you can write me at harlowewiliams dot com and maybe just maybe we'll put your letter on the air let's close up The Harland Highway Mailbank

Another letter from our listeners' day She still is with her mom outside the city Down that street about a half a mile And all her friends tell her she's so pretty She'd be a whole lot pretty If she smiled once in a while Because even her smile Looks like a frown

And she's seen her share of devils In this angel town Everything's going to be all right Rockaby Rockerbite Rock a bye Everything's going to be all right. Rock a bye.

Oh, God. Rock about it again. Everything's going to be all right. Oh, God. I might have done it again. And this show wasn't even about brainwashing you with music. Remember I did that show a while back where I did the psychological brainwashing episode where I played that song.

We're getting nowhere with seven seconds and waiting. Remember that one? The Nana Cherry brainwashing experiment I did. And I got you guys. This one I wasn't trying to do that. But I think you're all going to be humming. Everything's going to be all right. Rock a bye.

Yeah, it's in there, man. It's in there like a sweet swordfish chomping down on a squid bait. Honk! Oh, Lord. Oh, well, there's worse things in life, right? And speaking of worst things in life, have you ever been somebody's bitch? I think you have. You may sit here, man, I've never been anybody's bitch.

Keep that talk up, but I'm not listening to your podcast anymore. Don't tell me I've been somebody's bitch. Well, I'm going to tell you you have, okay, bitch. Here's what I'm talking about. Check this out. Okay? You have all been on an elevator somewhere, right? You've all been on an elevator somewhere, and guess what?

you're already on the elevator someone else jumps on and goes oh would you press nine for me and you're standing there and you're like wait wait are they talking to me and you realize you're the one kind of standing in front of the number panel box

right the thing where all the numbers are and the other person could easily step in front of you or just reach with their arm and press nine but somehow they have the balls to turn you into their bitch suddenly you're their little elevator boy hi excuse me i can't step over um seven inches so would you hit 12 for me please

or better yet they don't even ask they just they just say it you're standing there they get in they go oh 15 you're like 15 what 15 camels 15 bottles 15 bottles a beer on the wall um 15 elevator bitch excuse me yeah you heard me press 15 you're my elevator bitch up yours yes i'm going up to 15 press it bitch okay and you always do right you feel like you're obligated it's just weird it's uncomfortable at first you're like it and it's a double thing it's like at first you're like 15 please and you're like oh yeah absolutely They sure, bing, you hit it, and then after you've done the deed, you're like,

wait a minute, they're standing right beside me. Why didn't they just do it? Wait, I've just been used. I'm just, I've just become an elevator, bitch. I'm somebody's elevator bitch. That's right, while you're at it, why don't you hit Penthouse? Because I'm going to go up there and have a party. It's an elevator bitch party, and you're invited.

In fact, you're the guest of honor elevator, bitch. God, everything's not going to be all right, because I'm an elevator bitch, bye. Wow. So, yeah, it's rough, man, it's rough, so you've all been somebody's bitch. I hate to say it. So there you go. And while I'm at it, four, please. Biotch.

This is Eddie. He wants to party. They just hang up. How if I can help you? Hey, how's it going, man? I'm sorry? How's it gone? I'm sorry?

How's it going? It's Eddie. What? It's Eddie? No. Uh, yeah. It's Eddie. What? I'm going to see if you wanted to maybe drop by for a bus.

barbecue or something? I'm sorry. May I help you? Yeah, I was going to see if you wanted to get together for a barbecue or something, or grab a beer or something. Are you going to come over to dine in? I guess we could do it there. I mean, is it safe to have a barbecue inside?

We have the barbecue tight, you know, the chicken barbecue. Awesome. I love a chicken. I'm sorry? How about some corn on the cob, too? Uh, sorry, ma'am. This is Thai food. Okay?

You maybe you're looking for American barbecue. Sorry about that. Okay? Bye-bye. Oh, hey, what the hell? What? What the hell? I'm not a man.

I'm a sir. That was Eddie. He wants to party. But they just hang up. Poor Eddie, poor Eddie, good Lord. Will he ever get his barbecue on? And speaking of hanging it up, good Lord. We have to hang it up.

We're at the end of the show. But speaking of hanging it up on a more positive note, I want to let you guys know because people always get mad. I never tell people. I just kind of do this. So I'm letting you know, as you may or may not know, I hand-draw my own t-shirts. I'm all about the one-of-a-kind experience.

In case you haven't figured it out, I dig originality in a world that we live in full of brand-name crap. So my answer to that is, you know what? I'd love to give a piece of me to people that is special, that is unique, that is a one-of-a-kind. and so what I do is I draw with colored markers, colored sharpies. I do my own original designs, and I draw directly on to brand new t-shirts. And I put them up on my website at the Harlow Williams.com store.

And I sell them. And they're not entirely cheap. I'll be honest, they're 65 bucks, but that's because A, They're a one-of-a-kind, unique piece of artwork that, you know, if I did it on a canvas and put a frame around it, I'd charge $600 bucks. So the fact that it's $65, it's on a shirt, you wear it, it's a Harlan original, it's the one and the only, I don't make any reprints, you get the only shirt of its kind in the world, and I love providing that for people. Now, here's the problem. These shirts go up almost faster than I can put them up there. They get sold.

Every now and one, again, there's one that sits there. People don't want it for whatever reason. Probably me doing a crappy design, but for the most part, they fly out the door. And people write me letters, and they go, how come you didn't say anything? I wanted this shirt. And the problem is I don't do them that often. You know, every now and then I do a new crop.

I wait till I've done five or six, and I put them all up at once. And I feel bad because there are people that peruse my website on a regular basis, and they get to them before everyone else. So I'm just letting you people know so everyone has a fair shot at them. You might go there and go, I don't like any of these. Who the hell would buy this crap? And then some of you might go, love it. Got to have it.

it doesn't matter to me it's all up to you they're there for you if you want them and yes they're a little more expensive but you know when you think about a goofy rolling stone shirt or you go to any store them buy a shirt that can run you 20 30 dollars and that's for a standard print a silk screen print i'm kind of proud to offer you guys just something unique and original and you know whatever you might appreciate that you might not there's no gun to anybody's head You don't have to buy them, but I'm just telling you people like them. And in all fairness, in full disclosure, I'm letting everyone know at the same time that they are up there. So take a look, see if there's something you like. And if you do miss the boat, don't worry, I'm always doing more. And I've made a promise to myself and to you guys that I will let you know when those go up on the harlandwilliams.com web store. So there you go. We ship them out to you, and you got the bragging rights.

They're a lot of fun. And I enjoyed doing them. Just as I enjoyed doing this podcast for you, which, by the way, does not cost $65. It's totally free. And it's three days a week. Hello. So you know what? There you go.

If you don't want to buy anything, you always got this for free. I'm your free little buddy. unless you need a shirt and you're screwed um so there you go thank you for uh joining in today hope you had a good time thank you for your letters by the way uh you know as you know we do the uh the listener mail bag every so often i get too many letters to do it every show i'd use up the whole show uh but keep them coming great letters thank you everybody uh harlowe williams dot com is the address. If you are too lazy to write,

you can leave a voicemail at 888, 52090. That's 888-52090. And don't forget, if you want to see me live, I'm going to be doing a rare show in Hollywood on July the 19th. That's a Tuesday night at 9 o'clock at a club called Largo, which is a hip little comedy club,

kind of a fringe club, where people experiment a lot, and I will be experimenting. So that's July 19th in Hollywood. I believe it's on Lassianoga Boulevard. But check it out, probably a website somewhere, Largo.com, and come down and visit. And until then, hey, everything's going to be all right. So you just rock a buy.

And while you're rockabying, I'm going to go get myself a big rock and roll bowl of chicken chalmayne baby every it's going to be all right rock goodbye come on everybody sing it with me

here we go now every thing's got to be all right it's rock goodbye yeah come on you can do it rock goodbye here we go let's get big It's going to be all right. Rockabide.

Rockabide. Oh, everything's going to be all right. Rockabide, rockerbite, rockerbite. Oh, everything's going to be all right. Oh, rock a bye You want to stop the horrible singing and hit 12 for me, please, bitch. Up yours, beauch!