The Harland Highway - PODCAST 295

Episode Date: July 15, 2011

Murder! Too many cooks in the kitchen, words, manuels, BBQ Eddy, trucks with balls, Dr. Ascot. Cork my corkscrew!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

This is truly going to be delightful. Oh, you think so? Oh, yes. I think it's going to be smashing podcast today. Oh, thank you. You're on the ad, Jackass. Oh, oh. Hey, hey, it's Harland Williams, just having tea with my British friends.

And what a podcast we have for you today. Welcome to the Harland Highway. You are on it with all four wheels rolling, rotating, moving at a rapid rate of acceleration. And you better, because you've got to keep up with today's show, man. We're going to be talking about manuals, not little Spanish guys. I'm talking about the manuals you use to put stuff together when you buy it. Yeah, aren't they a load of fun? We're going to be doing some word pronunciation today.

So a little English lesson for you. You ever hear the term, too many cooks in the kitchen? Yeah, I think we all have. annoying it's frustrating we're going to kind of uncover that and talk about it a bit and then a pretty touchy topic murder we're going to be discussing murder yeah interesting a little more serious on that topic but nonetheless and then barbecue eddie's going to be by and then lastly do you have a scrotum on your truck do you have a set of balls hanging on your truck yeah way do you hear this story here on the harland

Highway Welcome to the Harland Highway You fellas been doing a bit of booze and have you? Sucking back on Grandpa's old cough medicine There's an element of uncontrolled chaos The Harland Highway Serving everyone from presidents and kings

To the scum of the earth What a treat Oh wait Was you great big fat person You just made a wrong turn On to the Harland Highway You need many years of therapy Hey Harlan, it's Stephanie from Fedvers

Just do me You might want to think twice Before seeking your penis in there Just do me You're riding down the Harland Highway With Harland Williams You ever hear that saying There's too many cooks in the kitchen

You ever have been in a situation Where you start off with something really simple And it's just obvious That you're supposed to do it a certain way and then suddenly all these other voices come chiming in and everything's got to be done by committee you know what I mean Well I think we should just do it

No I don't think we should do it Yeah I think we should I think this would be a good time to do it No I think we better see what other people think Charles what do you think Man you know I think maybe we should try another way Yeah I think Charles is right No I think we're okay

Let's see what Danielle thinks I think maybe we should hold up for a little bit. No, I think it's going to be okay. I think we should listen to Danielle. I mean, I think she's made a very good point. I don't think we should take the initiative without, you know, getting a few more opinions on the matter. Yes, I think Charles is right. Why don't we see what Terry thinks?

Well, you know me. I think we should just take it right off the table. Oh, see, now that's excellent, Terry. Yeah, I think Tara made a really constructive point here. No, I think we're just fine, guys. I think maybe Terry should be listened to because... Okay, guys, we're going across the street for lunch. And now by consensus.

Wow, he's authentic. We now continue. Yeah, I don't understand why he's thought of time. That's no way to talk to it. I'm not sure I understand. I don't think maybe you said, shut up. You're riding home with Harlan Williams. One cheeseburger with everything coming up.

This is Eddie. He wants to party, but they just hang up. Hello. Hey, how's it going? Hello. Hey, how's it going? Oh, this is Korean barbecue. I think a long number.

This is Eddie. Excuse me? It's Eddie calling? No, no, no. I think a long number. Let's get to see if maybe, hey, what the hell? I didn't even. get to ask you for a beer, what the, and it's a barbecue join?

How did I not get a, even ask you to the barbecue and your barbecue, what the hell? That was Eddie, he wants to party, but they just hang up. I'll tell you what else hung up. As you know, this Casey Anthony trial, you know, the one in Florida where the young mother, you know, off her kids so she could go out and party. I mean, you believe what you want to believe, but, man, you look at the way she behaved, you look at the evidence, it's, uh, it's, uh, come on, what else could it be? Um, but here's what, uh, here's what gets me.

and I know if you're a lawyer listening to this or you studied law or you have any knowledge of the law, which most of you do, you're going to poke holes in my argument right here. But I'm going to stand by my conviction, Your Honor. What I don't love about the whole murder trial system is the varying degrees of murder. You know, we've got the manslaughter, We've got aggravated manslaughter.

We've got first-degree murder, second-degree murder, third-degree murder, homicide, you know, premeditated murder, self-defense murder. And I get it. From a legal standpoint, I get why it's broken down, because there could be a murder. It takes place where a guy's trying to defend himself. There could be a murder that's not premeditated. It's just, you know, a passion murder, passion of the heart. Something went wrong in the blink of an eye. But isn't it weird that at the end of the day, and this is what strikes me, it's still murder.

You've still off someone. But I like how we've broken it down almost like a soft drink. You know, there's full-on murder. Then there's a caffeine-free murder. Then there's sugar-free murder. Then there's murder light. Then there's murder zero. Where we just keep notching away at it.

And, you know, whoever's responsible for it has all these options for a lesser and lesser term in jail or a lesser penalty. uh lesser uh you know incarceration it's just it's kind of weird at the end of the day how the legal system has managed to break down murder and you know if you take that away you go okay uh what if it is a a crime of passion or it's it's a it's in the heat of the moment or it's premeditated or it's kind of sort of meditating or you know what I mean? It just feels like to me you made a decision to off someone.

And the only exception I really see is self-defense where if a guy's coming at you with a weapon or a gun and you know you have a chance of being killed, you have the right to fight force with force under the rules of the law. And if that jackass goes down while trying to take you down, well, so be it, right?

But I know all the lawyers and all the legal-minded people that listen to my show, and believe me, they all do. This show is a number one hit in the criminal justice system. Believe me. They're all going, well, you don't know

all the layers. You don't know all the intricacies. There's this and that, and it's like textures. There's gray areas. There's gray. What's gray area about being dead? The gray area is the tombstone above your grave. That's the gray area.

So I don't know. It's funny we live in a society where lawyers and judges can bargain. You know, they're in the back room or they're bargaining for a lesser charge. Oh, well, Your Honor. I mean, this guy spent three months stalking this person, broke into their home, did this, that, and that, slowly torture them and killed them. It's first degree capital one murder. But what do you say, okay?

What do you say if we just throw it down to a manslaughter misdemeanor? Okay, and I'll throw in a lunch at Arby's for you, Judge. How does that sound? I know you love your curly fries. uh okay i agree this uh quarter's uh adjourned the uh final ruling is uh he was a troublemaker and i get some free curly fries let's go now i know it's not that easy i'm being sarcastic but but at the end of the day i'm just not entirely comfortable with the whole whittling it away and whittling it down okay that it should be a lot tighter, a lot stricter, a lot less deal-making.

And I don't know. Why do we want to give someone a break who took the life of another human being? And can you imagine being the friends and family having to sit there and watch this going, wait a minute. Okay, let me get this straight. My 17-year-old daughter was raped and murdered. She's gone. and you're what, you're making a deal? You're swinging a deal with the guy who did it

that dragged her into a barn and tied her to a pole and plowed her for four days and starved her and degraded her and then slid her throat with a knife? Okay, yeah, go make a deal. I think my daughter would like that. If you guys bantered back and forth and kind of, you know, tried to work out a situation

for Johnny McMurder over there because, you know, God willing, we know that guy needs a break, right? I mean, wow. And like I said, I'm not an idiot. I know it's layered. I know it's textured, but remember, we made all the rules.

We made all those little textures and all those little in-betweens. And there was probably a time when it wasn't so clear. And I'm not talking about, cases where it's like well hey man what if they got the wrong guy okay let's not go there let's go i'm talking about cases where your refutable evidence uh kind of points the finger right at the guy one of you know those cases where you just know you just know that that guy did it um

so there you go you might disagree you might agree but i had to throw that out there because it agitated me that you know this this four-year-old girl in florida is dead and her mother's making up all these stories and lies and and you know they actually get to kind of pick her punishment from a laundry list of well how about this no what about that what about how about just murder you took the life out of from someone your own kid your kid didn't have a choice Why don't you show the kid the list? Mommy, okay, I know you want to murder me, but how about just this much? So that way it's like you almost murder me, and then I'm like I don't fully die,

and then I get to live and have my whole life, and I get to, you know, have a boyfriend and go to school and get married and have my own kids. How about can we do that murder, Mommy? No, darling, you're going out for good, and I'm going to put you in a bag and throw you in a swamp. Oh, you're not going to put duct tape on my mouth before you. Shouldn't have said anything. Great idea. Yeah, I know. Pretty more, but I'm not trying to make light of it, even though I just did, but I guess I'm trying to highlight the ridiculousness of it.

I just don't really have much passion or consideration for perps, perpetrators of such crimes, especially against an innocent little kid. So there you go. That's the Harland Highway Legal Corner. And let's get back to some funny. What the hell am I? I'm guilty, Your Honor. Guilty, Your Honor, of getting too serious.

That's okay. You just bring me some curly fries. I'll let it go. Thank you, Your Honor. Would you like a soft drink with that? Yeah, give me an orange crush, man. Okay. Thank you.

just get back to some motherfucking funny yes sir hey this is harland williams here and you're listening to the harland highway and how have you been saying the word fudge your whole life fudge you know the candy the the chocolate the maple the cinnamon whatever you've eaten fudge and you've always just said fudge so now i'm going to teach you there's a new way to pronounce it and this is just You know, I'm making this up, but this is what I want you to do, and you better do it. Because what I want, I get, man. Okay, let's be clear about that.

So now, instead of just saying fudge, I want you to pronounce it. Fudge. Okay? So if you want some chocolate fudge, you've got to go, I want some chocolate. Fudge. Give me some. Fudge.

Fudge. Okay, try it. Ready on three. One, two, three. Fudge. Fudge. There you go. See?

It's about advancing the English language. So pull over at the next exit, find a nice old-fashioned fudge shop, and order yourself some Fudge. The Harland Highway. Fudge. Fudge. Fudge. Wow, okay. That possibly might have put this podcast over the top as the main.

most retarded podcast in existence. I concur with that verdict. Court is adjourn. Give me some curly fries. Thank you, Your Honor. Up yoles. So, yeah, even I have to admit that was the dumbest thing. The whole fudge.

Really dumb. Really dumb. Really stupid. Wow. I wonder if anyone laughed at that. wonder if you laughed at that. Here I am going, let me get back to the funny and I dropped the fudge. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes. Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering

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That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Actually, I think it was funny. So there.

And here's something that I don't think is funny, and this is an oddity, and I don't know how many of you have seen this, but it grosses me out. Okay, if you've ever been driving around anywhere in a city, out in the country, out in farmland, it doesn't matter. I've seen this in both places. It's kind of rare, but I've seen it. You might have seen it. guys with pickup trucks on the back on the trailer hitch they will hang a big pair of metal testicles and when I say testicles I mean somebody took a mold

of some male testicles and made them exaggerated them blew them up so they're bigger and they hang from the back of the trailer hitch they're tapered at the top so it looks kind of like a triangle the top of the of the ball sack is like i don't know like kind of borderline scrotum skin and then it hangs down and the the metal balls are hanging in the whole contraption swings around so you're driving along and you get behind this truck and you look and you're like oh wait what's that what oh my god then you see a pair of swings

male testicles, human male testicles, pressed in metal. Like remember in Star Wars when Harrison Ford, I think it was Star Wars 2, where at the end they Jabba the Hut threw him into that liquid copper thing and froze him, and he was melted into the metal, and they had like, you could see the outline of his whole body.

That's what I'm talking about. Somebody, I wonder if some guy somewhere said, You know what, man? I'm going to manufacture. I want my balls. I'm going to sell my balls for the back of trucks. Well, come out over here, man. I have some molten metal.

Just stick them in. Oh, okay. Sia! Did that hurt? Yeah, but I'm going to make millions of dollars with my swinging truck balls. Oh, so they're vile. They're disgusting. They're very accurate looking.

You know, if they were in a sex toy store, they would be rubber, like flesh-colored, exact replicas of a sex toy. But in this case, they're silver, and they're big, and they've got all the details of the wrinkled skin and the veins. They've got everything there but the hair. And it just brings up a bunch of questions. It's like, why did somebody make these? What kind of guy hangs them on the back? of his truck. I come to two conclusions. I got a guy that's like overly macho and he's like, hey man, I got balls. Or you get a guy who just likes balls. It's like, how do you like my truck?

On second thought, how do you like my balls? Oh, I don't carry a spare tire in my truck. I carry a spare nut sack. and then the third one is maybe just someone's doing it for a joke you know maybe they think it's a laugh which in a way it is it's so bizarre but i don't know man that's a long way to go for a laugh and then i guess i guess the real thing is what if you have kids in your car and you're behind and you're like mommy what's that what's hanging off that man's truck uh that's his airbag honey but i thought airbags are supposed to be up in the front well these are rear airbags with veins in them well why are they so wrinkled mommy okay let's turn down this straight but that's not the way home it is now um and then the other thing is what if you hit these things you know i wonder if you rear-ended a truck with balls hanging on it if the truck goes oh oh god you son of a bitch Give me a minute. Give me a minute. And then the truck, like, lays on its side and tucks in and curls up into the fetal position. Oh. I thought them Dodge trucks were supposed to be rammed tough.

Yeah, and up. When we've been rammed in the balls. Oh. Give me a minute. Right? And then are you in danger of setting a trend for other human part? Like, what if I get behind a girl in a, you know, a little Volkswagen bug and hanging off the back is an exaggerated clit?

Okay? What if I ram into that? And that car's like, oh, do it again. Back up and ram me again. Oh, right there. Just hammer it, hammer it. Oh, yeah. Just keep backing into mine.

Clint oh I know it's getting sick it's getting twisted but hey I didn't start this I'm reporting what I see out there so I don't know just a little creepy guys and girls to the guys out there maybe you can call me and tell me I'd love to hear I don't know if we'll hook anyone but 888 500 2090 I want to know the logic the reasoning behind you hanging balls, metal balls, a ball sack, a nutbag, a very detailed graphic nut sack, swinging to and fro on the back of your pickup truck. I got to hear what you were thinking. And God forbid you live in a neighborhood with a lot of speed bombs.

There's no manual for doing a podcast You just either got it or you don't But I bet you have manuals, don't you? All around your house You got a manual to run your computer You got a manual to futs with all the things in your car You got a manual for your TV You got a manual for the microwave

You got And you've never opened any of them, have you? No Because we're all scared of our manuals. When something goes wrong, we're like, oh, God. Go to page 15, look under Section A, turn back to page 9, go to Section B5, turn the nuts on your satellite dish, go up on the roof, get hit by lightning, and then go to page 79, and then perform function 12573.2. Huh? You know what?

I think I'll just go buy a new. satellite dish that's much easier do you think they make the manuals uh like hard to follow on purpose i'm sure they do just so we'll go buy new stuff i got more manuals sitting in my house here they've been they've been open less than my bible manual yes signor go and get me some tylonal where is it signor it's in the medicine cabinet i do not know how to open the medicine cabinet seor Well, why don't you read the manual? What did you call me? Manual.

That's my name. Don't wear it out, signor. Oh, forget it. You're writing down the Harlan Highway. I will be in the kitchen reading the manual. Okay, thanks, manual. It's pronounced Manuel, Jack Ward. Didn't you read the Manuel manual?

It is crazy, though, right? I mean, these manuals they give us, and some of them are in like five different languages. You're like, what the hell you're reading through it? It's like, I shliven d'ausen flaggandishliken, flanfuggen, and you're, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, what's it, German?

Okay, let me flip the page. Oh, let's get it. Wait, wait, wait, that's Latin, okay. Okay, I don't, I don't need French. Okay, I don't, I don't need French. Ah, here we go. English. plug it in asshole oh that was easy that'd be good if that's all you needed to do that was your manual your 400-page manual went down to one page big fat letters plug it in doorknob and then page two is turn it on idiot that's the end of it now that would be a sweet manual right there

because they are, they are confusing. They're thick and they're full of warnings. Warning, do not play this radio underwater. Do not rub the batteries on your baby's face. Do not play this TV up on the roof when it's raining. Do not attach a fork, a spoon, or an electric blanket to this microwave oven. Okay, thanks, man. You know, and they talk about all the shock hazards and the, you know, don't put this in air moisture.

Okay, I'll be sure to not install my microwave oven next to the bathtub. You know, because you know how I like to bathe at night and have a hot pocket. Well, I'm laying there in the froth. I mean, do they think we're morons? I guess so, man. and then sometimes you get a manual or honest to God you really have to be a NASA worker to get it

you know you really have to just work at NASA say you know if you have a buddy hey Buzz yeah Buzz Aldrin yeah hey could you come over to my house tonight oh it's good on you having a dinner party no I'm putting a table together and a entertainment cabinet.

And I don't know how to work my new flat screen TV. Have you checked the manual? Yeah, I'll be right over. Can I at least get some bacon? Yeah. Oh, God. If only life, we're so much easier. But the only good saving grace is that when you do nail it,

when you do get all the kinks figured out, you kind of feel smart. You kind of feel brainy. You kind of feel like, okay, conquer that one. I did it. I'm a king. I'm a captain of industry. I figured out how to work my monitor.

And my flat screen. And my shower. Oh, Lord. Well, enough of that. I'm looking at my manual here, and it says, according to my manual, I am out of time, which is sad, because I was just getting going. But we'll be back next time, everybody.

What? Oh, come on. He's here. I almost got away with it last time. He's here. Oh, I was so close. I was actually saying my goodbyes. And guess who showed up?

I don't know why for the second time in a row. He's running late, getting my hopes up. It's the second Friday of the month, and guess who has to do their on-air therapy session with Dr. Ascot, me. So here we go. Ugh. I am not in the mood for this. Hello, Alland.

Allend. Holland. What? I said, hello, Alland. Yeah, I heard you. Ascot. Arland, you seem a bit crotchety today, Arland. You know, I'm always a bit crotchety when I have to deal with you.

Oh,land. And do you have to say my name like that? Holland. What are we doing today, Ascot? I'm just not into this. Oh, and why don't we talk about your insecurities, Arland? My insecurities. Okay, what are you going to do? Like, uh, pull down your pants or a fart on me or throw me out the window and burn my face? Holland, sounds like you're insecure about talking about insecurities, Holland.

Well, go figure. do you think made me insecure i'm not sure allan you did askot i beg you pardon every time you come in here you pull a stunt you tell me you're doing therapy you always end up doing some crackpot maneuver that freaks me out makes me scared to open up it's your fault ohland well it is Are you afraid of being fat? No, I'm not afraid of being fat. I'm not fat. Are you afraid of dying, Holland?

Well, who isn't? Are you afraid of me wiping my nose on your sleeve, Alan? See, there you go. You're going down a weird road here. Why would a legitimate therapist talk? about wiping their nose on my sleeve i'm just asking allan i'm not going to actually do it no i think you will do it anything you say you end up doing allan why would i wipe my runny nose on your sleeve allan because that's what you do dillweed allan do my shoes make you insecure allan no

your shoes don't make me insecure what if i stepped in a big steaming pile of buffalo turd and then rubbed my shoes on your hair allan see why would you say that who says stuff like that you just that you're making me insecure anything you say i don't know what's coming next I don't know what kind of game you're going to play. Oh, no. If you want to talk about insecurity, you take any random thing and watch.

All right, Arland. What about my watch? What about your watch? Does my watch make you insecure, Arlund? No. What if I soaked my watch in toilet water and rubbed it all over your pocket? Marked face, Alland.

See, there it is. Right there. What? Who would dip their... Who would dip their wristwatch in toilet water? Holland. And then rub it on my pocket... I don't have a pock-marked face.

Well, then why did you start to say it, Arland? I was quoting you. You said you wanted to rub your toilet-soaked watch on my pock-marked face. So you do have a pock-marked face. No, you see, you're making me insecure about my face. I have a perfectly normal face. Then why won't you let me rub the toilet watch on it? You're mixing me up, As Scott.

Arland, are you insecure about my hair? Why would I be insecure about your hair? I meant the hair in my underpants, Arlant. Cut your pants on. See, there you go. There you go. You took a simple thing like hair, and you changed it to the hair in my underpants, Holland. Yeah, the hair in your underpants.

Yes, I'm insecure. Everything you say, everything you do makes me insecure, you freak, you nutbag, you dillweed. Holland. So now that we got that on the table. What are we doing today, As Scott? Well, I think it's obvious, Arland. What? Today, we are going to work with your insecurities, Arland.

Get out of here! Are you insecure about me getting out of the Arland? No, that's the one thing I'm confident of. Get your ass out. Would you like a handful of pubic hair before I go, Arland? Get out! It's really soft. Out!

What a G.D. Giant dillweed. I can't believe that tool. I almost got away with one again this week. But no. Last minute, there he is. And when I say last minute, we're at the end of the show. I'm sorry we had to go out with that idiot.

Someday I'm going to be through that. door and not have to deal with them. But until that time, it's time to go. Don't forget pick this show up at stitcher.com for your free phone app so you can listen to the highway, wherever

you go. And don't forget to check out the store, harlilums.com, the merch store, all the new hand-drawn t-shirts are in there available. They go fast, so word up. Get them well you can.

And if you're in the Hollywood area in Los Angeles on July 19th, I will be at a club called Largo. Look it up online. I think it's on Las Yenega Boulevard and 9 o'clock at Largo. And that's all I got. It's not Largo. It's just go. I got to go, man. I hope you had a great time.

Enjoyed having you here, as always. You guys rock my potato salad. But that's not what I see at the end of the show, not potato salad. I usually say this. Until next time, my friends, chicken. Chau me, baby. Fudge.