The Harland Highway - PODCAST 296

Episode Date: July 18, 2011

Beef Jerky, food guilt, the state of murder in the USA, marshmallows, things our dad's make us do, BBQ Eddy. Laser eye surgery my nostril!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Dear Lord, forgive my podcast listeners, for they have sinned. Wait a minute. What? Wait, what was that? Why am I putting that on you guys? No, no, no, no, no. Dear Lord, pat my podcast listeners on the back for being here and being dedicated and all that good stuff. Wow, sorry, guilt trip. But let's work through that. What a show we have today? we got a little bit of the funny, a little bit of the ridiculous, and a little bit of the serious.

Yeah, that's right. I know I talked recently about the Casey Anthony murder trial, and today, you know, we all know the verdict came in recently and we've let it stew for a little bit. And I've been thinking a lot about the justice system and how I kind of feel it's a bit out of whack. And so we're going to get into that. That's a little more serious. Hope you have the patience for it. See what you think. It's just me throwing ideas around.

But we're going to have the funny, too. Wait, you hear what my dad used to make me do every summer, okay? Not pretty. It hurt me a lot. You're going to laugh. Barbecue Eddie's going to be here. We're going to be talking about jerky. Yeah, right, beef jerky.

We're going to be getting into food guilt, things you eat that you feel guilty about, and marshmallows. It's nice and soft. Right here on the Harland Highway. Welcome to the Harland Highway. You fellas been doing a bit of booze and have you? Sucking back on Grandpa's old cough medicine. There's an element of uncontrolled chaos.

The Harland Highway. Serving everyone from presidents and kings to the scum of the earth. What a treat. Oh, wait. Was you a great big fat person? You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. many years of therapy.

Hey, Harlan, it's Stephanie from Bedford. Just do me. You might want to think twice before sticking your penis in there. Just do me. You're riding down the Harland Highway with Harland Williams. Who's your dad?

Talk to your father about it. That's his problem. Hey, boys. Daddy's home. Come see your papa. I think every dad did something. into their kid at some point in time, you know, whether by accident or

on purpose, we've all got experiences. We're like, why did my father do that? Who was he thinking? Is he insane? Does he, uh, what, does he even care about me? Does he love me? What did he do that for? Well, here's something I'll never forgive my old man

for, and this is just, this still, I still bear the scars of this little incident. When I was a kid, for whatever reason, my dad used to dress me up in a tinkerbell costume and make me run into my neighbor's bug light. You know those lights, the purple black lights, that bugs fly into them and get electrocuted and zapped. Yeah, that was my dad's idea of entertainment on a Saturday night. Oh, yeah

You put the Tinkerbell costume on Oh no, not again I said put it on No, I'm not You'll put that Tinkerbell costume on If you know what's good for you, little fella Come on, Dad, no Put it on, Tinkerbell

Okay, I'm putting on the Tinkerbell costume All right, let's go outside No, no, no, no, no Dad Come on, you know where we're going with this Yeah, I do. Shut up.

Dad. Quiet. No, Dad. Shut your gob hole, little fella. Tinkerbell's gonna fly tonight. My God. There we go. Outside.

There's the bug light. Dark. Moths and butterflies and miscues. Pz. Pz. Zap. Zap, zap. You've got your marching orders.

Go. You give me a little push in the back there, right between my shoulder blades. Go! Tinkerbell go! I'd be screaming as I run. I'd come back to them. I'm smoking. My Tinkerbell wings are all crispy and fried. Smoke coming off of them.

My little curly slippers are all melting and smoking. Can I go to bed now, Daddy? Hell no, you're going to do it again. Yeah, I'm not forgiving. If you're listening, Dad, forget it. Mm-mm. I ain't forgiven you. And let's not even talk about the time you addressed me as Mickey Mouse

and maybe run across a nine-lane highway. Okay? You just made a wrong turn onto the Harland Highway. Oh, no, no, look out. No! All right. Speaking of the highway, how about the highway of justice? It's been a few weeks now since we got the whole verdict in the Casey Anthony trial.

Everything's kind of settled down a bit, sort of. Maybe emotions still run high. But, you know, I wanted to see what people thought. about that um you know you you kind of look at it all and and you wonder about the judicial system when we live in a world where you know people can lose their lives and the people that are uh on trial don't even have to get up on the stand and be questioned um and And you get these verdicts back where, you know, they're very questionable, like the O.J. verdict or this one, the Casey Anthony verdict, where things just don't make sense. And you get these defense lawyers that, you know, I don't know necessarily if they're up there arguing the case or they're up there going, look, all we got to do.

man is confused the hell out of people. Okay, we throw around contaminated DNA evidence, we throw around, we implicate the father as a sex pervert, we throw them off this way, we just throw so much stupid

stuff into the mill that the average person who's sequestered who doesn't have access to all the media breakdown and all the information that the rest of us have, as a juror all you get is what the defense

and the prosecution present to you and I don't know I guess maybe like a lot of you I'm betting thought that Casey Anthony was going to get nailed with a murder rap just because it's just you know if there's one thing you kind of know if you're a mother

and the court proved She was a very loving mother, very attentive mother. What kind of mother doesn't report her baby missing for 30 days and goes out partying and getting tattoos and making up stories to her parents and to her friends that the kids here, the kids there, that the nanny took her? And then comes up with this cockamamie story that the kid drowned, but yet she never told anyone about it.

I mean, you know, I'm not going to run through all the facts of the case. But the bigger part of this story is how do we feel about our justice system, man? Do we feel it's like a justice system or do we feel like, I don't know, do we feel like it's a system where you can pay experts to bullshit so much that you'll confuse a jury into not knowing how to really deal with the story and separate the facts and the fiction. And look, hey, if you're the one that gets off the hook, good for you. But it just seems crooked.

It just seems like a crooked system to me. It seems like there should be some rules of etiquette that... There's certain rules that the court has to follow where just if you see that a case is blatantly being kind of thrown, people throwing crap at the wall to see if it'll stick, that they should stop that. I mean, doesn't it bother you that O.J. Simpson got away with it and is out golfing every day and a beautiful young woman and a beautiful young man had their throats slid open. And they laid on the ground while the blood gurgled out of their throats and their life's slowly expired.

And this guy, you know, takes off in his bronco and writes an apology note and disappears to Chicago with cuts on his hands and yada, yada. and Johnny Cochran walks in and throws all this DNA mumbo-jumbo at the wall and confuses everybody and raises questions. I don't know. It's a little bit sad. If you can hear it in my voice, I'm a little bit sad. I can't try Casey Anthony.

I can't try OJ. You know, none of us will ever know if they're innocent and guilty. but sometimes you follow logic, you follow your heart, and it doesn't mean it's right. But I guess on this one, watching it and watching the OJ one years ago, I just call me a bad guy, but I reached my conclusions. And it makes me sad that other people are dead, and the people that I think probably did it

are out footloose and fancy free because they hired some guy who's good at BSing and mixing everyone up. And that just seems like a cheap excuse to let someone off the hook for taking another human being's life. Hey man, how'd you get off a death row? Well, I had this guy, right? He cost half a million dollars, but, I mean, he could just talk to talk and walk to while.

He could sell a used car, car, car, guy is a used car i mean this guy was just you know okay good for you i guess have a great golf game and i'll be at the grave of the people you killed putting flowers down sorry they couldn't tee off with you because uh you know don't forget you slash their throats and you put them in a bag and threw them in a swamp but and i know it's tough where a country that's built on the law and following the rule of law and blah, blah, blah, and I have no right to convict them, but I don't know. I have the right to voice my opinion and say,

I think the whole system is shady and crooked, and I don't know, it just seems odd that in this world, where it seems like human beings are getting better and better at scamming and looking for loopholes and realizing what they can get away with under the Constitution. I mean, look at the white-collar criminals, the guys from Enron and the oil companies and the banks and the Freddie May and Bernie Mac

and, you know, all these big people, you know, the Bernie Madoffs of the world. They just figure out ways to use smoke and mirrors and lies and maneuvering and manipulations. to get what they want, to step over people, to ruin lives. And I feel like, you know, these lawyers, they're more interested in the payday at the end of the rainbow.

If we can get this chick off, my career is made. And the gloating and the bragging rights. And, you know, I don't know. I just keep going back to a very, very very suspicious mother and a dead kid who had no chance to defend herself no BS to save her life where was the big fat lawyer to help her then when uh mommy was stuffing her in the trunk possibly it's tough it's tough to walk this line it's tough to walk this tightrope because you know part of me goes hey this is good this is what

the, makes the country great, this is what, but there's a deceitfulness that's creeping into the legal system where in the old days, I felt like you had a, you know, a guy like Atticus Finch from to kill a mockingbird. You know, you had a guy with integrity with a white suit and a black tie and a briefcase and he'd walk in and be like, Your Honor, here's the research I've done, here's the facts, here's what I believe happened, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And boom, boom. And you felt like maybe that the, you know, defense lawyers had just as much integrity and stayed within the guidelines as the law is the prosecution. But now even the prosecution, you know, maybe they're guilty of it too.

It just feels like it's a big, let's see who can bullshit the jury the most. Let's see who can trip them up. Let's see who can mind fuck them. Let's see who can manipulate them. Who cares about the facts? If I need to point to the father that maybe the father molested the kid or, boy, that father had a roll of duct tape for 20 years. Remember 30 years ago he buried the cat in the backyard

and he used some duct tape? Why would, how does he know how to bury stuff? He must know how to use a shovel. He buried a pet. maybe he did it there's no way the daughter could have done it who didn't report her own kid missing for 30 days and was off partying and lied to the police and everyone else let's not focus on that oh gosh so i'm a little down on the system you know you're probably sitting there going well it sounds like you already prejudged her and you wanted her to be guilty and you know what no but each and a every one of us draws our own conclusions based on what we see and we all have our own levels of logic and we all have our own levels of what we perceive to be the truth and what we perceive to be important and blah blah blah and in this case i have to be honest i was kind of thinking

that casey anthony killed her kid or had something to do with it it's just all too suspicious So, again, I can't be the judge and jury. All I can say is that I'm a little bummed about our system because I think it's not up to par with what it should be. I don't think the level of integrity in the legal system is right up where it should be. You get all the backroom deals and this and that, and it just feels like there's too many ways to manipulate the system. and for that reason a lot of things that shouldn't be happening to keep this country strong,

to keep this country just is kind of crumbling by the wayside and all this bad stuff is seeping through at the edges and compromising our legal system. So there you go. That's my long, drawn-out, uh, you know, take on that. And, uh, it's, it's, uh, it's sad. But wherever that little girl is, that two-year-old girl, uh, I hope she's in a better place. God bless her. She's the only one outside of whoever did it to her, who knows what really happened.

And sadly, we have to leave it there. Oh. well let's get on to something more fun come on just these are just food uh you know food for thought uh opinions expressed ideas exchanged and uh let's just hope uh it it gets better and um as we go along here as the world progresses as society advances hopefully quote air quotes advances that the integrity of our society and its legal system can rise above the fray. End of statement. Thank you, Your Honor. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes? Yes. The answer is yes.

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Harland to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping. Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. This is Eddie. He wants to party. But they just hang up.

Hi, how's it going, man? How's it going? Good. Awesome. It's Eddie calling. Mm-hmm. It's going to see if maybe wanted to grab a beer later or something. What? What the hell? That was Eddie. He wants to party.

But they just hang up. Hey, it's Harlan Williams, and you're riding on the Harlan Highway with me. You got any jerky fans out there? Beef jerky. I had chicken jerky the other day. They got terriacchi jerky jerky. Oh, give me the terriaki jerky. Yeah, I like that. I bet we've got some truck drivers listening right now.

We're chewing on a big chunk of dried buffalo meat. They kind of sell it like candy now, don't they? They market it. It's up there with the chips and the jelly beans and the chocolate bars. And when you think about it, it's really like a bunch of dried flesh, bloody old meat that's been hung out to dry. and smoked and cured with salt and chemicals. It's kind of weird, man.

I wonder what they got in other countries. Yeah, man, give me some hippopotamus jerky man. I don't know. I think that was a Jamaican guy in Africa. I don't know my African accent, so I just... Yeah, man, give me some giraffe jerky man. And give me some zebra jerky and some bomb. Bood Jorka man

Down in Australia Good eye Mike Give me a little bit of that Duck Bill Platypus jerky You'll have a little dingo jerky And give me some koala Jerky

You're not wrong I wonder if you eat too much jerky you become a jerk Wait a minute Is that what's what's Is that what happened to me? Oh man Yeah I'm from school

Give me some of that Lochness monster jerky, lad. Come on, get on with that. Hurry up and dry the sea serpent. Give me some of that delicious Lochness monster jerky. Oh, aye, lad. Yeah. Wonder if Hannibal Lecter made jerky. Hmm.

How about a nice piece of Clarice jerky? how about a piece of sweet clarice jerky oh oh wait is that is that clarice junkie yeah creepy um very very creepy are you one of these people that eat a lot of meat though you always you ever get I met a person the other day who I'm not even kidding I was at a barbecue and I was talking to this girl and she goes I'm a vegetarian I go oh cool and I go what's like what's your favorite restaurant she goes McDonald's and I go wait what it's because yeah I can eat two Big Macs in one sitting um okay but you just said you're a vegetarian Well, I eat McDonald. Okay, do you eat chicken?

Yeah, I do eat chicken. So you're not really a vegetarian. Okay, I guess I'm not again. It's weird people. You ever get people making weird statements and they're completely not true? They just say stuff like that. They're like, maybe they think they'll get brownie points

if they're a certain thing. unfortunately i think a lot of people do that with their politics you know they suss out a group of people they go hmm i bet those people are uh democrats so uh if anyone ask me oh yeah i'm a democrat man i love the democrats or you're at a party it's like looks like a pretty tight crown here yeah i'm a republican oh yeah mm-hmm yep mm-hmm you better believe it yep right to the core man are you guilty of that do you do that do you do that you become things because it's easier to do it helps you fit in better with the crowd or are you just like unsure of yourself are you uh insecure to stand up for what you believe in uh let your

opinions be heard let let let who you are and what you want shine through or you easily swayed by the pack mentality um i don't know i got off top topic a little though I was talking about meat but think about what I just said but meat are you one of these people that uh that feels guilty about eating meat right I mean we live in a society where we love meat everything is meat but yet after you eat it you feel like oh god I'm hearing all those people talking about how it's going to sit in my stomach for seven months and it's lining my colon and oh i can feel the cancer growing in my scrotum already i can just oh i can feel the stomach cancer welling up inside me you know you you got that meat guilt and then again i guess it's with

everything right oh how many coffees have you had today four oh cancer yeah sorry what yeah sorry cancer what do you mean cancer yeah four coffees yeah How many did you have yesterday? I don't know, four. Ooh, leukemia, leukemia. What? Yeah, leukemia, yeah. Saw it on the news, yeah.

What about you drinking that glass of wine? What about it? Um, tumor. What? Tumor? No, what are you saying? Tumor. Checkmate, Biotch.

I mean, it's just like, Hey, man, what's going on with you? What do you mean, man? I saw you drinking a can of Coke. Yeah. Well, don't you know, man? What? Um, like, cancer tumors and blood cancer.

What? Yeah, man, you can't... What? Well, what should I have? A water? Yeah, water. Okay, I'm drinking a water. Wait a minute, where's that water from?

The tap. Oh, leukemia, leukemia. um bowel cancer sorry what oh just give me some give me some kangaroo jockey mate I'll just eat me some koala Jackie and cola today I speaking of jerky how about some barbecue this is Eddie he wants to party but they just hang up

How's it go, man? Hey, who is this? Uh, it's Eddie. Who? Eddie? Eddie who? Eddie from the hardware store, man. I was going to see if you want to grab a beer later or something, or...

I think you got the wrong number. Oh. I just wanted to have a beer or something. Sorry, man. Sorry, man. Okay. Wait, wait, what the hell? That was Eddie.

He wants to party. But they just hang up. Oh, the barbecue. Have you done the roast the marshmallows thing yet, folks, on the barbecue lately, or the campfire? Have you ever noticed how easily those things blow up and catch on fire? And most of us don't like burnt food. How many of you, by a show of hands, will eat a burnt steak, or burnt toast, or a burnt pork chop, or burnt spaghetti? Not many.

Most people don't like the burnt experience, but for some reason, what do we love, burnt? Marshallows, right? Some people don't even roast them. Some people put them over, and they just, you know, they brown them. You know, they meticulously slowly rotate them. Oh, look at that rich brown. Ooh, just perfectly done. Takes about five, six minutes and then pop it in your mouth.

And then other people are just like, screw that. Pull it up. The thing's on fire. Right? It looks like they're holding a torch. Those old Hercules movies where they're walking through. caves and they've got a, they're holding a torch, or the years before there were flashlights. People would walk around with lit torches in the underground.

That's what the burnt marshmallows look like on a stick. I'm afraid we shouldn't go any further, Hercules. I'm afraid the seven-headed soap and looks just around the corner. Well, if we're not going anywhere, let's eat the damn marshmallow torches. Excellent idea, muscle membrane face. What? I wonder if that's how fire-eating got started. Because think about it, who is the first dumbass, right, to become a fire eater?

Let's see, I'm not scorn with the girls. These new shoes didn't work out. My new haircut's not working. This bicycle's kind of nerdy. Wait a minute. What if I ate some fire? That'll attract the babes. you there with that campfire let me eat it

oh my god he ate fire pull down your pants and let's have sex right so maybe the the catalyst for fire eaters was the old burning marshmallow because there it is on the end of a stick it's round it's burning like the Statue of Liberty's torch

and you put it up and you open your mouth and you slam it in and close your mouth around it? Right, and some guy probably went, wow, wait a minute. This burning marshmallow actually tastes delicious. What if I lit a rag on fire covered with kerosene? Let me try that delicious treat. It'll burn longer than a marshmallow and be like a bigger, better, longer-lasting meal. All right.

I mean, isn't it bad enough when we burn the roof of our mouth with a hot pizza slice? And here's these idiots shoving, like, lit bowling pins in their throats. Oh, it's a wacky world. It's a wacky world, but that's why we love it. And that's why we do the Harland Highway so we can comment on the wacky world and the serious world. And my whole run about the murder stuff, it's, just an example of how the world is wacky but in a more serious tone because like I said that whole system to me is a little out of whack it's wacky and so I share with you serious opinions I

share with you comical opinions that's what it's all about right here on the harland highway and the last opinion I have to share with you sadly is that we are at the end of the show the marshmallow has burnt out the flaming marshmallow has exhausted itself and so we come to the end of the show unfortunately unfortunately say i but before we go i want to thank you for being here as always it's great having you tell your friends about the harland highway spread the merriment around. Don't forget brand new t-shirts in the

Harlow Williams.com store, unless they're gone already. I put a whole bunch up there. They might be gone. They go fast. Just let you know because people get mad when I don't say anything about it. So I'm saying something.

And don't forget if you're in the L.A. area, Tuesday, the 19th of this month, which is tomorrow. Unless you're listening to it today, the show today. and then it's today, and if you're listening to it as a repeat, then you've already missed it. So pick one of the three. But just so we're clear, July 19th, Tuesday, I will be performing at Largo, a cool alt comedy club, I believe, on Laszianoga here in Hollywood, California.

Don't forget to visit harlowe Williams.com. Check out the stand-up schedule, check out the merchandise store. And be sure to check out Stitcher.com where you can get a free app that will allow you to download and subscribe to the Harland Highway on your cell phone apparatus. Apparatus, my little Greek son named Apparatus.

Yes, Papa. Shut up, apparatus. Yes, Papa. So there we go. We go out with some Greek names stuff and maybe it's a good thing we're going out be good be just try and tell the truth and uh that's it i got to go so until next time my friends chicken chalmane baby shut your gob hole little fella chinkerbell can a fly tonight by god

Thank you.