The Harland Highway - PODCAST 297

Episode Date: July 20, 2011

Curious George reading, "to die for", drunk street sweep, the fat internet, HOTTY alert, Bill Gates and his money, slow asses at the check out line. Billy has blister lips!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

What about podcast? Do you want someone to share it with you? What about... Okay, enough. Really lame. How are you, ladies and gentlemen? This is Harlem Williams, your host on the wildest podcast in the universe. Yeah, I said it and I mean it, and who knows if I'm right,

but I figure if I say it convincingly enough, you'll believe it. Um, what a show we have today. Um, you ever hear the saying to die for? Today's podcast is to die for. And we're going to dissect that very saying to die for. Um, we're going to put out a haughty alert. Yeah, I got a haughty alert. There's a real haughty on TV that I think you should all be aware of.

Very unsuspecting place. Check it out. We're going to be talking about Bill Gates and all his money. How much money does he have and how much do you have? We're going to get into it. We're going to be talking about the checkout line, annoying things at the checkout line. How about drunk street sweepers? Uh-huh.

Yeah, we're going to get into that. Is the internet getting too big? Is there too much info? You'll find out. And then I'm going to read a children's classic, some curious George, in the most sarcastic tone imaginable. right here on the curious Harland Highway

Welcome to the Harland Highway. You fellas been doing a bit of booze and have you? Sucking back on Grandpa's old cough medicine. There's an element of uncontrolled chaos. The Harland Highway Serving everyone from presidents and kings to the scum of the earth.

What a treat. Oh wait, was you a great big fat person? You just made a wrong turn onto the Harland Highway. You need many years of therapy. Hey, Harlan. It's Stephanie from Fedver. Just do me. You might want to think twice before sticking your penis in there. Just do me.

You're riding down the Harland Highway with Harlan Williams. Hey, this is Harlan Williams, sending out a all-points news bulletin alert. A story in the news about drunken street sweepers. sweeping the streets drunk, just a little friendly tip. If you see one go by your house, just detour them right up onto your property, have them drive around on your lawn, come through your living room, do the bedroom, get in the corners, the closet, drive the rig all over your property, all through your house, clean it up real nice.

They're so drunk, they won't know. They just gave you a free cleaning. So way to go, street sweepers. And keep on losing. Well, we get our houses clean for free. Hyland Williams. Oh, yes. Do you like monkeys, everybody?

I think we all like a good monkey now and then, right? And I think one of our favorite monkeys we all know from our childhood is Curious George, right? write those little lovable cute little sweet innocent stories but that was as a kid let's let's now read curious george for the sarcastic eyes of a jaded adult shall we so here we go here is curious george rides a bike okay great simple uh fucking concept there okay this is george he lives with his friend the man with the yellow hat okay uh okay gay maybe uh someone called mambla there's a little monkey boy living with a guy full grown man hello he was a good little monkey and he was very curious yeah by curious this morning george was curious this morning george was curious the moment he woke up because he knew it was a special day. Yeah, what, your first boner, you Harry little freak?

At breakfast, George's friend said, yeah, air quotes, friend. Today we are going to celebrate because just three years ago this day, I brought you home with me from the jungle. Duction, Amber Alert. You know, it's illegal to smuggle live tropical. animals across national borders. How about some jail time for George's friend? So tonight I'll take you to the animal show.

But first, I have a surprise for you. He took George out to the yard where a big box was standing. Yeah. I wonder when the last time any of these two flyboys ever saw a big box, if you know what I mean, huh? By curious George and his full-grown adult man friend who wears a yellow from head to toe. What's up, guys? George was very curious.

Out of the box came a bicycle. George was delighted. That's what he had always wanted. He knew how to ride a bicycle, but he'd never had one of his own. Yeah, okay. Because there's so many bicycles hanging around in the jungle. Yeah, of course, of course the little monkey knew how to ride a bicycle. Because when he wasn't up in the tree canopy picking grapes,

he was down on the forest floor, riding his swin bicycle around on the oh-so-even riding surface of the root and log-covered jungle floor. Yeah. I must go now, said the man, but I'll be back in time for the show. Be careful with your new bus. and keep close to the house while I'm gone.

Okay, yeah. Leave your kid. Will you go to work? Just have him out on the lawn and on top of that. He's a monkey? Yeah, okay. George could ride very well. He could even do all sorts of tricks.

I bet he could do some tricks. In brackets, monkeys are good at that. For instance, he could ride this way with both hands off the handlebar. bet he could ride with both hands off the handlebar and he could ride this way like a cowboy on a wild bronco yeah oh i bet i bet you could ride this way like a cowboy on a wild bronco didn't you say your yellow clad friend had a big yellow cowboy hat and he could also ride backwards oh yeah well hello but after a while george got tired of doing tricks and he went went out into the street. I told you.

Don't leave the damn kid alone. What century are you living in? Amber alert. Okay, so there you go. There's Curious George, through the sarcastic and jaded eyes of an adult. Oh, my God. All right, we'll come back to that.

That was kind of fun. I think, you know, I obviously didn't finish the story, so we'll do some more later on. in the show and I'm sure to be ruining Curious George for a lot of you but hey you're a little older now so

get over it yo yo you are listening to the Harland Highway and this show is to die for baby yeah don't you just want someone to die when they say that to die

for that's stupid been saying oh my god these chicken wings are to die for there you go face down on the honey barbecue sauce oh my god this chocolate moose it's just to die for oh my god see at your funeral

came up with that one it's to die for How about some guy jumping off a ledge? You know, every year people jump off the Golden Gate Bridge. Okay, it works there. Some depressed guy walking over the Golden Gate Bridge. What a beautiful bridge. This bridge is to die for. Blash.

This show, you're listening to, the Harlan Highway. Don't worry. It's to live for. Hey, Flamingo is beautiful, Big Age. Thanks for the tunes. Have a great one. Ah, yes, Flamingo. Thank you for that message.

He's referring to, I played a song for you, a few podcasts back. A very slow song that had some record scratches in it and some popping. And it was an oldie. It was a very romantic kind of old school love song that I thought might be a tantalizing treat for your ears. And I want to thank that caller. Didn't leave his name, but it was nice to know that he enjoyed the experience. And thank you for your call. 888-500, 2090.

You can call me too. They say the internet is getting too full. They're saying there's so much stuff on the internet that it's going to explode. That it's just the system can't hold anymore. It's like a fat guy getting into a pair of pants that are just a few sizes too small. He just keeps stuffing stuff in there. Stuffing and stuffing. And there goes one button.

There goes another button And there goes a third button And there goes the top button And there goes the belt flying open And out comes all the plover Yeah It's true man Think of all the emails you've sent or received

Think of all the stuff you've looked up Think of all the stuff on the internet Let's say you wanted information about toenail grease. You type it in, there's 40 pages on toenail grease. You want information on the inside of a light bulb. What's inside a light bulb? What's in there? Oh my gosh, I better Google it and find out what's the inner workings of a light bulb. You type in inside a light bulb. There's nine million pages of what's inside a light bulb. Can there just be like one page for everything we need to know? For some reason, people across the world are writing about things in multiples.

It's strange, man. The Internet's getting fat. It's got to go on a diet. Internet. Hang in, man. I'm typing in the word Weight Watchers. I'm sending help. Google.

Weight watchers. Oh, here's the reason. There's 7,923. three headings underweight watchers. Oh, no! Holland Williams. I like the way you move. Oh, haughty alert.

Hotty alert. Yeah, we got a major haughty alert. I got to point this woman out because she's just stunning, okay? I don't know if you watch Fox News at all. the cable news show Fox Fox News Channel They have a lot of good looking anchor women on the show But there's one standout Her name's Kimberly Guilfoyle

And this woman has just got riveting good looks She's kind of got the Angelina Jolie thing She's got these penetrating eyes Big beautiful mouth Great bone structure Nice skin, beautiful long brunette hair. I mean, this woman is a knockout. And she's extremely photogenic.

Yeah, Kimberly Gilfoyle. You have to do it. As a woman, as a female, the unwanted attention of somebody, get it. He had plenty. Get it, get it, get it. We'll never know, will we get it. Yeah, you'll get it when you tune into Fox News and check out Kimberly Guilfoyle.

You have to do it. Just a beautiful woman. Sometimes I wonder if she's in the wrong industry. She's very smart. She's a lawyer. And, you know, you look at her and you go, this girl could be a movie star, just on her looks. We'll never know, will we.

She's got movie star looks, and she's got that kind of built in. You know how some women have the built-in sex factor? and I'm not saying it in a pervy way, but I mean sex appeal. Get it. There's some women that just radiate sexuality, and that's a healthy thing. I'm not saying it to be a creeper or a weirdo. It's a healthy thing when you see a beautiful woman that, you know,

she's just so powerfully sexy that you feel like you're being seduced by her or she's seducing you just by doing what she's doing. And she's got those kind of seductive eyes and her female features, little button nose, pouty lips. I mean, she's a stunner, man. As a woman, as a female. And I got to tell you, if I was a Hollywood casting person, I would throw this woman in some acting classes, Pronto. You have to do it.

And get her up on screen because she's probably hitting around. I would bet she's in her early 30s to mid 30s. Get it. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have that? better sex? No? Yes? The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your

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Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. But still got it going on. It looks like she has a nice body. She's thin. Get it. But just a magnetic face that, you know, You can't stop looking at her when she's on screen. Get it. So there it is. Just a quick little hottie update for you.

Guys, take a look. Go to Fox News. Look for Kimberly Gilfoyle. Or if you can't wait, go on YouTube. You'll probably find some clips of her there. And check her out. Let me know what you think. 888-52090.

This has been a Harland Highway party alert I like the way you move Woo! All right, all you working stiffs, listen here, all right, listen here, your mugs. You're on the Holland Highway, see?

And you're driving down the Holland Highway with me, your host, Holland Williams. All right, your mugs, you got that you're working stiffs. Yeah, we're all working stiffs. next to that Norman Gates guy, or Bill Gates, the Microsoft guy. Okay, can I just give you a little stat here? Turns out this guy has, I guess how many billions Norman Gates has tucked away from his Microsoft fortune, okay?

Guess how many billions, not millions, billions? The dude, the little four-eyed nerdy dude who wears the Richie County. Huntingham Sweeters and the 1972 glasses has $56 billion. You know what? I need to get some reverb on that. I'm going to say

56 billion again and I Roger, I need some nice reverb. Norman Bates has $56 billion. Okay? I'm going to do it one more time. I need reverb and echo.

Norman Bates has $56 billion. Dollars. Now, now that we've got that number in your head, how much money have you got? I made $18,000 a year. Oh! I make $25,000 a year. I make a measly $750,000 a year.

Can I come over and play at your house, Mr. Bates? No, because you don't have $56 billion. Come on, man, that guy's got enough money to give each of us American citizens. Money, money. A million dollars each. Okay, I'm all for charities. I'm all for cancer research. But that gets done every day.

How about giving a million each to us working steps? Let us take a year off. Because you know we're going to blow it on Disneyland and Big Macs and scratch and sniff lottery tickets. But at least give us a year to do it. Come on, Norman Bates or whatever your name is. Bill Gates. And get your buddies to chime in.

Did you know that there's 946 billionaires in the United States? They can easily give all 300 million of us a million dollars each. That's $300 million. No, that's wrong. See, that's why I don't make. That's why I don't have $395 billion. I can't even do math. So maybe there's my answer right there.

Oh, so sad. I'll just stick my tailpipe between my legs and keep on rolling down the Harlan Highway on my measly $15,000 a year. No, mother, I don't want to give them a million dollars. Norman, give them a million dollars. No, mother, I do not want to give them a million. Norman!

The Harland Highway. And speaking of money and things that make me go psycho about money, and if you're listening, if you're the culprits, based on what I'm about to say, knock it off. All right, I'm saying it right up front. You don't even know what it is yet, but knock it the hell off. I got things to do. Here it is, all right?

Tell me if you've been through this hell. Oh, this is brutal. You're in line, you're at Staples, you're at the grocery store, you're at the movie theater, you're somewhere in line where you have to do a cash transaction, and you're standing there and you're waiting, and nobody likes to wait in line. And the dillweed in front of you buys their stuff,

and you're like, okay, that was cool, great. You know, they've done their business, good. That wasn't so painful. You're at the grocery store. And you think, great, move on, my turn. You've just completed your transaction. All the goods at the end of the conveyor belt are bought and paid for. Go.

It's my time. But then you get behind these dill weeds that stand there and they go, oh, well, look at this receipt. I don't want to crinkle this receipt. I must keep it immaculate. I will stand here. Before I move to the end of the conveyor belt, I will stand here in front of the cashier and block you, and I will slowly, carefully, meticulously, fold my receipt.

And then once it's folded exactly to my liking, I will slowly zip open my change wallet. and then I will ruffle around in my change wallet because I must find the perfect place to stuff my carefully folded receipt into lest it get crinkled touching some of my other items and I will take my sweet time stuffing my meticulously folded receipt into my organized change wallet But, all right, it's as annoying as that voice that I'm doing.

Even I'm annoyed by that voice, and I'm doing it. I'm doing the voice. Right, but you get these people or you get women that decide they go to put their wallet back in their purse. They're like, thank you very much. Let me just put, oh, wait a minute. Look at, look how unorganized and disheveled my purse is. I have not. Can you believe I haven't organized or cleaned out this purse forever?

Let me do that right now while all these people are waiting. Let me pull this out and pull that out and put this in. And la-de-da-da-la-la-la-la-le-la-le-la-k no-knock-no-woo-woo-woo-wbo. And you're just like, are you kidding me? Come on. Move! You've already paid for your credit. crap go home and make your origami go home and dump your dirty purse out on your floor and shuffle

through it i don't need to stand here with my shopping cart watching you do that when your time is up and the cashier's there and you can tell she's like uh sir i i want to take your stuff but i i can't get to you because this person is still standing there and they never say anything the cashier's just stand there dumbfounded. Like they can't just say, okay, thank you, ma'am. Could you please move to the end of the belt? Or could you please go the hell home and organize your crap? Or even worse, how about the ones that get chatty?

How about the ones that think they're at a tea party? They don't know the cashier, but somehow they're lonely. So they're like, oh, this air freshener is wonderful. I bought this in Isle 12. Yes, ma'am. I know where it's from. I work here. Yeah, aisle 12. And I've got to tell you, this air freshener, my father-in-law came over and took the biggest dump the other day, and I just sprayed this air freshener and smelled like a pine forest.

I'll tell you what. Yes, ma'am, there's people waiting. And let me tell you about this dental floss. You know, I only have two teeth, but each tooth benefits so much from this dental floss. Get the hell out of the way! can you believe it so now you see why i'm so riled up so do you people that think the check out line is a place to organize your lives or spill the gossip to a complete stranger or do your nails or pick your nose or scratch your ass or whatever else you do there get your ass out of

the way there's people waiting there Woo! Got that out. Oh! What? What are you waiting for? You're waiting for this bit to be done? How dare you?

How dare you sit there on your podcast and listen? You're waiting for me to move on. Well, maybe I'm going to fold some paper up first. Yeah. How about this? How about I do a bit of that before I move on? to the next beat. What do you mean you'll get your grocery somewhere else?

You're going to go to another podcast because I'm taking too long? Okay, wait a minute, wait a minute, here. Look, I'm going, I'm going. Don't go away. Come back. Where are you going? Come back. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I took no long. I'm sorry, please. Come back. Come back. Please. Wow, did you hear my chair? I actually had to roll across the room to do that bit, man. I literally rolled across the studio to do that bit to give you the effect.

I didn't play with the volume. I rolled my chair. Listen, I'll do it again. Hey, come back. Come back. I'm rolling against you. Oh, I just hit the wall. Now I'm rolling back.

It's harder to come back. It's easy to roll away, but it's harder to come back. Because when you push away, you push. And when you're coming back, you've got to, like, pull with your legs. It's like a dog pulling a sled. Yes, I am still going on about this bit. Okay, enough. I'm done.

I'm moving on. Please ring your produce through, and we are all moving on. Thank you. I think I've made my point. Oh, Lord, love us. And speaking of making the point and speaking of rambling on, I hate to tell you this, but I think I rambled on right to the end of the show. But all I can say about that is I think we had a dandy show.

So that makes up for it, doesn't it? I think it does. What? You want one more reading from The Sarcastic Curious George before we go. All right, I did promise that, didn't I? all right well let's pick it up from where curious george bought a bicycle this is sarcastic jaded reading of curious george george went into the street the newsboy was just passing by with his bag full of papers that's a fine bike you have there he said to george how would you like me to deliver the how would

you like to help me deliver the papers child labor laws child slavery he handed george the bag mm-hmm hello mambla he handed george the bag and told him to do one side of the street first

and then turn back and do the other side and why did he do it because he's a stupid monkey um george was very proud as he rode off with his bag This is just screaming He started to deliver the papers on one side of the street

As he had been told You know, because monkeys understand the English language Hey monkey, do that side of the street Okay I totally comprehend everything you think Meanwhile, I like to eat my own vomit When he came to the last house He saw a little river in the distance

George was curious He wanted to know what the river was like So instead of turning back to deliver the rest of the papers He just went on Yeah, because every city community Has a river running through it With sparkling water and fish Right

There was a lot to see at the river A man fishing from a bridge A duck family paddling downstream And two boys were playing with their boats And I'm sure there was a few corpses floating boats. George would have liked to have stopped and looked at the boats, but he was afraid the boys might find out that he had not delivered all the papers,

so he rode on. Yeah, how about the boys are wondering, not so much why you didn't deliver the papers, but why there's a friggin' primate riding a bicycle carrying a bag of the New York Times in a busy city, and there happens to be like a crystal clear mountain, mountain river going through well riding along george kept thinking of boats all the time it would be such

fun to have a boat of course because you know what a monkeys do on the weekend water ski and yacht drink champagne mimosas and fish for marlin but how could he get one he thought and he thought and then he had an idea. He got off the bicycle, took a newspaper out of the bag, and began to fold it. Yeah, not only does the monkey have a paper route, but now he has the ability to do advanced origami and create watercraft. Okay, we're going to end it there because it's just getting too sarcastic, too jaded, and that's not what we do here at the Harland Highway.

We like to keep it upbeat and friendly and fun. Although I'm hoping you did get some laughs out of my sarcastic reading of Curious George. Just this poor little innocent monkey, and I'm ripping him a new one. I'm ripping them a new monkey hole. But, hey, I kept my promise. I finished reading the story to you. And now I have to keep my other promise. as I say, we definitely are out of time here today on a Holland Highway.

So let's wrap it up. I want to thank you, one and all, for being here. Always a pleasure, always a treat. I do it for you. And I hope you're enjoying it. I hope you're telling your friends. Don't forget you can leave phone messages at 888-52090, or you can write me at Harlandwilliams.

check out our store while you're at harlore williams.com new t-shirts hand-drawn t-shirts by yours truly are up on the site i only put them up a few times a year they sell pretty fast so go grab one if you see something you like and don't forget to go to stitcher.com where you can get the harland highway free app to download on your lovely cellular device now let's Let me give you some stand-up comedy news. Coming up, August, the first weekend in August, August 4th, 5th, 6th, and 7th. Yours truly will be in San Francisco at Cobb's Comedy Club. Right down on the wharf, beautiful club, great facility. Come on down to Cobb's Comedy Club, August 4th, 5th, 6th, and 7th, and hope to see you there. And until that time, you know, San Francisco is a huge Chinatown. So all I really can end with is chicken chamein, baby.

As a woman, as a female, you have to do it.