The Harland Highway - PODCAST 298

Episode Date: July 22, 2011

Double sinks, a little poem for you, jamming rock tune, jumbo jet fever! Brussle my tussle!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Sweet home, Alabama. For those of you that live in Alabama, if not, sweet home everywhere else. Welcome everybody. There, I just did a throat exercise in my intro. Welcome to the Harlan Highway. Guess who I am. You guessed it, yes, Harland Williams, your host here on the ridiculous. Highway. Great show for you today, but aren't they always great? Come on. At least I hope you think

they're great. Today we are, we're going to be talking about a feature in your bathroom that drives me nuts, okay? You might have one of these in your bathroom. Stick around and let me know what you think we're going to be playing a song by a great rock and roll band that i'm going to kind of pick it apart for you and uh throw some ideas and thoughts past you um have you been on a jumbo jet lately i don't know they're getting bigger apparently and uh a little poem a little poem about togetherness about all us people being together as one because that's why we this to bring everyone together on a crazy little road we call

the Harland Highway Welcome to the Harland Highway. You fellas been doing a bit of booze and have you? Sucking back on Grandpa's old cough medicine. There's an element of uncontrolled chaos. The Harland Highway. Serving everyone from presidents and kings to the scum of the earth.

What a treat. Oh wait. Was you a great big fat person? You just made a wrong. Long turn onto the Harland Highway. You need many years of therapy. Hey, Harlan. It's Stephanie from December. Just do me. You might want to think twice before seeking your penis in there.

Just do me. You're riding down the Harland Highway with Harlan Williams. Ladies and gentlemen, Harlan Williams. What a cool looking crowd. man people from all over the place we've all got to get along that's what it's all about too much hatred in the world we all got to be as one man and to celebrate everyone being together and join each other and living together i wrote a little poem about togetherness why can't we all get along treat each other real nice like

black or white, Chinese or Indonesian, Indian or Eskimo. We're all the same. Everybody farts and goes poo. Treat your neighbor real nice like. Invite them over for dinner. Serve them peas, steak, or fish. It doesn't matter. Eventually, just like you, they'll have to fart and poo.

so be real nice like do it today or this jive-ass honey-glazed honky is going to step up on you and when honky steps up on you honky is in the house with g-money rip-tied applesauce meat slap yo harland williams uh yes it is i it is me said the bee It is I, said the fly. Ow! That hurt. Welcome, everybody. Yes, I'm bringing people together.

You know, and you know what else I think is supposed to bring people together, but it's probably one of the biggest con jobs, one of the goofiest, like, unnecessary things you'll ever see. Go into your friend's bathroom. their master bathroom, not the guest bathroom, the master bathroom, because we know that there's a master running the house. What are we still in the slave days?

Go to the master bathroom and take a master dump. The master command you to drop a turd, to do a master loaf in the master bathroom. God. Overkilt of bathroom. All these grandiose terms for the bedroom air, the master bathroom in the king-sized bed in the master bedroom. What are we supposed to walk around with robes and crowns

and have little kids, you know, lifting up our capes? The master orders you to wipe my bottom, you little brats. anyways you're in the master bathroom and have you noticed the amount of people now that have two sinks the double sink in the master bathroom it's like a selling point when people buy oh my god look at this bathroom oh my god what do you mean oh my god look at the the showers broken the toilet's overflowing i don't know what that blob is on the floor and one of the walls is missing yes but look two sinks oh my god you're right oh let's lay down and camp here there's some kind of weird obsession with having two sinks in the master bathroom

and what's the assumption there that uh you know well you're brushing your teeth your wife or your friend or your partner's going to be brushing their teeth and shaving at the other sink huh Hey, uh, Jim, you in there? Yeah, man, I'm, uh, I'm naked. I'm shaving. I just stepped out of the shower. Oh, cool, man, that's okay.

I'm going to come in and shave at the other sink, man. Oh, okay, lucky we have two. I mean, it's a little weird, isn't it? Have you ever been in a bathroom with two sinks? And there's someone else at the other sink while you're using your sink? Now, I know there's some of you. Yeah, of course, man. Most of you, I bet not.

I've never had someone at a double sink, even if I'm at a hotel. The bathroom is a very private place. Who wants another person in the room when the master is doing his business? You know, when you think about it, when you're in the bathroom, you're grooming, you're shaving, you're drying off, you're releasing. Okay, you're usually in a... state where you don't want other people to see you. You're scruffy.

You haven't shaved. Your teeth are green. You haven't brushed your teeth. You've got diarrhea. You're sitting on the jaw. And you're standing on the scale and your guts hanging out. You're four pounds overweight. You've got bags under your eyes.

Your hair's all wet. It's not styled. You haven't blow-dried it yet. You're dripping water all over the floor. If there was anyone in there with you, they'd slip and fall anyhow. And yet, come on in, come on in. The other sink is open.

Do what you have to do while I fart, shave, and shower. Thank God for the extra sink. Thank you, master. No, thank you, master. Well, it is the master bathroom. Yes, it is. We're both masters. So I don't know.

I think it's just a cosmetic thing. Can you imagine like some starving kid from Biafra, if that's even a place? I just made up a country. I got so impassioned. Like a Biafran kid. You know those fat kids with the big bellies and the flies on their eyes? They're skinny as hell. The poor kids die by the handful every minute.

And I'm not making fun of it. It's a tragic reality. But these kids sleep in a ditch. They sleep on a mud floor. They sleep with flies. Can you imagine them walking into a place with not one but two sinks with clean running water? These kids have to kneel on the ground and lap out of a mud puddle left by the rain that cows have peed in and dogs have drank out of and hepatitis and malaria mosquito larvas swimming around in. and we've got two sinks?

Very strange. Well, I don't know what's so strange about it. We've just had a second bathtub put in and another shower. And we're getting a second bidet put in tomorrow. I thought you said today. No, I said bidet. Well, that's why, how come you're doing it tomorrow?

I'm having the bidet put in tomorrow. Well, why do you keep saying, today. I'm saying bidet, you dimwit. Go stick your head under the second sink. Well, maybe I'd like to stick it under the first sink. As you wish.

Thank you, master. Up yours. So I don't know. Bizarre, crazy, overindulgent. I don't know. I'm getting all heated up. You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to go splash my face. in the first sink and cool down.

No, no, wait a minute. No, I'm going to splash my face in the second sink and just try to come. No, I'm going to do the first sink because it's on the left. I'm going to, the first, no, wait, the right one, because if I don't do it in the right one, then the left one I'll think it's being neglected.

I'm going to splash my face. I'm going to jump off a cliff. Thank you, Master. Up yours. Okay. So you ever have this happen to you? Your life's growing great. Your job's growing great.

You're in the middle of a new project. Everything's flying along. Just beautiful. You could be in a better spot career-wise. You're excited to go into work. You're actually excited to go into work and do your thing. Cheery duty. We are taking you from your exciting job that you are so enthused about.

and you are going to sit in a little wooden box with nine other or ten other or eleven other smelly strangers and you will listen to a story about a man who hit his friend in the head with a shovel because he's a dumbass and he's going to jail and you get to decide. So you're going to miss out on that promotion. You're going to miss out on completing that incredible project

that would have shot your career through the roof. But the upside is you get to decide the fate of some dumbass who hit his friend in the head with a shovel. Jury duty. Yeah. Thanks a lot. Dumbass with a shovel. Good luck. You're guilty.

Guilty of being robbed of your free time. It's jury duty on the Harland Highway. Hey, what's up, Harlan. How you doing? Just heard the name. for the listeners, the pavement pounders. Yeah, that sucks, just like you. Hey, whoa, whoa, wait, what? What did I do?

Oh, God. Some of you guys do not go easy on me. I like the way his voice was all friendly. He's like, hey, Arland, how are you, buddy? Let's go have a picnic. Let me buy an ice cream. You suck. Right?

His voice goes all down. and dark that sucks and then he goes just like you just like you wow all right well hey you know in case you're wondering what he was referencing you know i put it out there what would you guys like to be called you know regular listeners on the harland highway and we got a whole pile of mail of letters and suggestions and calls and i kind of settled on the pavement pattern sounded fun some people like it some people don't so here's what i'm going to do you can call yourselves whatever you want you know there's no real rules here it's the harland highway you can call yourselves the harland highway hyena humpers if you want but uh the whole purpose of the

whole thing was to kind of hear some fun suggestions and uh get ideas from you guys which i think we're great and i don't know if it's more fun to hear the abuse from people that don't like the selection so it doesn't have to be the pavement pounders if you don't like it you can you can label yourself anything you want um so there you go i'm lifting uh i'm lifting the uh restrictions there's no there's no law there's no uh bylaw there's It says you have to be known as the Harland Highway pavement pounders. So there you go. Sounds fair, sounds reasonable, huh?

I think it's a good plan. Yeah, that sucks, just like you. Oh, God. No mercy, no mercy. I will not be sharing my second sink with that individual, okay? Screw you, buddy. All right? You ever want to brush your teeth?

while I brush my teeth or wash your face while I'm washing my face you're out you will not be standing at the second sink next to my first sink okay well let's switch gears to something that doesn't suck um I want to play a piece of music for you and uh it's uh it's just a piece of music that I really like because you know you always get these these uh songs these albums, these CDs, these, where they always come to be, sounds like it's right in the studio. Sounds like you're right there. It's almost as if you're in the studio with the band and blah, blah, blah, right? They just go on and on.

And there's this one song that stands out, out of all the music I've listened to, there's this one song that really sounds like you're in the studio. It's an old recording. I think it was done probably in the mid-60s, okay? And it's by a band called Black Sabbath, and I don't want you to go, oh, God, don't be playing some thrash metal, oh, please. No, no, no, hold on.

I want you to hear this song because, A, it's from Black Sabbath. I believe it's their very first album. I'm not 100% sure, but I think it's their first album. and it's not all heavy metal, head pounding. I know the name Black Sabbath brings up imagery of like thrash metal. It's not like that. But I want you to hear this song for two reasons. One, because it just, with the singing and the music, there's a crispness to it.

There's a sound to it that really sounds, really the most live kind of recording version that I've ever been able to pick up. So I love it for that reason. And then the second reason is it's just got that raw kind of beginnings of rock and roll thing. When, you know, rock and roll, different areas of rock and roll were starting to form, you know, metal and acid rock and pop rock. And, you know, rock and roll was getting its footing after like the Beatles and Elvis and all. all that, right? So they're formative years. They were great years. They were exploratory years. And a lot of incredible talent came out of those years. And it was talent that was, you know,

put together long before I think a lot of executives could get their hands on talent and kind of water them down the way we have it today. But really listen to this song and listen to the drums. and the little guitar licks that, you know, after each verse, it's like you'll hear all kinds of little, you know, guitar kind of sounds going in and out and up and down because it's so crisp and clean. You'll hear the bass in there. This is one song where I really want, you know, with your mind, if you can do it, separate each instrument and listen to each instrument as it hits its notes. and it's just there's something really cool about.

I don't know if you'll love the song. To me, it's kind of a cool song. It's very bluesy, rock and roll, edgy. It's got that black Sabbath feel. Ozzy's voice can be maybe a little grading to some people. But again, listen to the crispness, the in-studio sound. It's almost as if you're in there sitting on a stool. You know, pretend you're like Ozzie's girlfriend.

And then he said, look, why don't you come inside will we lay down some track? Here, Sharon, sit here, sit right here, Sharon, sit right in the studio when I sing, Sharon. It feels like you're in there, and then again, listen to just the little picking and the grinning of all the sounds. Without further ado, check this song out by Black Sabbath. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes. Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free. shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete

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Bing. Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. I don't know what I'm going to be able to be it. Oh, I'm going to be. I'm going to go. Oh. Oh. Yeah Yeah

Morning Cloud in the sky What I wanted God's in his shadow We've in his sound Hungry's cold sprinkling back Never talking

Just keep walking Wasn't his magic We're going to be able to be able to sit down. We can see us It's a joy Everyone's happy When the wizard won't Stop for talking

Just keep walking Try to this magic I don't know what I'm going to be. I mean shining, like to come by all the people give a happy sign We are tough by

The same Because all the people feeling so fine Never talking Just keeps walking Spreading the magic Hello. Good morning. Hello. Good morning. Hello. Whoa, good morning. Yeah, that rocks.

That basically rocks hard. I hope it in blow your ears out. You know, I know that some of you listening to the podcast, you might be like, you know, that's really not my style of music. You know, I respect that. Some of you might like classical music. Some of you might like pop music. Some of you might like bagpipe music. I don't know.

But, you know, I thought maybe just letting you hear this piece. um you know would do something for you uh not only maybe charge you up but but um i don't know it's like if you go in and you listen to the harmonica and you listen to the little zinging guitar licks and the riffs and the you know all that stuff and there's one point i think that they do it once in the whole song if you go back and listen again i think there's one cowbell where it's just and you can hear at least I can hear one cowbell

in the whole mix a clear audible standalone cowbell I mean that's why I like this tune because it's just so clean and crisp and it just got that rocking tune so you know if you feel like it go back and listen again

listen to all the little nuances in there and, you know, just thought I'd throw something different your way. Some of you might already be Sabbath fans and know this song, which, by the way, is called The Wizard. And, you know, it was kind of, it was kind of at the beginnings of Ozzy's career when he was just kind of a clueless guy in a band in Mary Old England trying to make it.

It was before he buffooned out and became a cartoon and became, you know, that. guy on the Osbournes and the guy doing the pizza commercials and the dish network commercials and I think this Super Bowl, he did a commercial with Justin Bieber, but this was Ozzy when it was raw, when it was real, when they kind of probably didn't even know what they're doing half the time. They'd just be like, let's, let's rock and roll, mate. Let's lay down some music and just do what comes out of a heart, right? I said, Sharon.

Sharon, who left the second sink on, Sharon? Anyways, hope you enjoyed. And like I said, have another listen if you want. It's there if you want to go back. And even if you don't want to listen to the music, you can, you know, in terms of analyzing it and picking it apart, you can at least go back. And sometimes when you hear a song a second time or a third time, it grows on you.

And some of that kind of raucous kind of great guitar and drumbeat will probably get under your skin. And you'll be like, geez, you know what? I like this. I like me some Black Sabbath. Thank you. That's what I was waiting for you to hear. I suck your soul. No, you're not going to become a child of Satan by listening to it.

oh yes you are no you're not satan up yours yeah up yours down yours exactly uh good afternoon ladies and gentlemen uh this is your captain speaking uh

we'll be ready for take off here in just about two minutes uh i'd like to welcome all nine thousand of you aboard this brand new jumbo super jumbo jet. Yep, they've done it. They've invented a new jumbo jet. Holds over 550 people. It's a double-decker.

Like those red buses that scorch around in London. You believe it, man? Is that what we need right now when everyone hates the airlines so much and flying? Let's stuff 550 people on a jet where it used to be, what, 200, 250? Now we got double, triple. Yeah, just give me more people yelling and screaming and pukin. Give more of a chance to somebody being on board, being a terrorist.

Yeah, let's increase those odds, huh? Excuse me, stewardess. Could I get another drink, please? Yes, I'll be back in about three hours when I get up from the ninth floor, and I deal with all the people down in the gallows. Thank you, stewardess. Can you imagine? Imagine having to service all those people on all those different layers?

It's like running around in an apartment building. Would you like the chicken or the fish or... Oh, how about nothing because we ran out about 30 minutes ago? Yeah, I'm sorry. You people on the second floor, we ran out of food. So here's your entree, peanuts and apple juice. Enjoy your flight with all these other human beings squishing you. No, thanks, man. I'm going to walk.

Or better yet, I'll just drive. You know where on the Harland Highway. Yes, so many people. So many people here on the Harland Highway. we can accommodate as many of you as we want. There's no seat limits. There's no double-decker, triple-decker. We can have everyone on the planet listening quite comfortably to the Harlan Highway,

wherever they want to go, wherever they want to be. You can do it in your own living room, in your chair, in your couch, in your bed, in your car, no one around you. could go stand in the middle of a field with not a human in sight and listen to the Harland Highway. So how about that? Thank you for joining in today. Always great to have you as a passenger along the stretch of highway we call Harland.

It is a true pleasure. Just want to let you know we have a very special show coming on. Uh, when is it? It will be, uh, let's see next. It'll be Wednesday the 27th, July 27th. Yes, it'll be our 300th show. Can you believe it, man? 300. I've done 300 Harlem highways. And you've been with me. Thank you. We're going to celebrate. That milestone. So make sure you're here for the 300 show on Wednesday, July 27th. And if you want to see me live and have some laughs, don't forget I will be at Cobbs Comedy Club, August 4th through the 7th. In San Francisco, it's a great club right down by the Wharf.

That's Cobbs Comedy Club And that is going to be the 4th to the 7th of August Okay Don't forget your free download Stitcher.com It's an app let you listen to the podcast On your cellular phone So there you go

Hope you had a good time I enjoyed having you here Don't forget to check out Harlow Williams.com send me your letters, or call me at 888, 52090 with your calls, your comments, your assessments. Yeah, that sucks, just like you. Okay, thank you for that once again. Oh, God, I can't win. And that's it.

That's all I got. Folks, until next time, chicken. Wow, I just choked on a fly. Let me try that again. Until next time, chicken, chow, man, baby. Just like you.