The Harland Highway - PODCAST 300

Episode Date: August 1, 2011

Can u believe it? 300 podcasts!!! On this one a visit to my boss Mr. Featherstone, a chat about lesbian koala's, Charlie Lee helps us celebrate 300 episodes, and do we all hate shopping carts or what? Here's to 300 more!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Okay, I'm down on my knees. A thousand a million apologies. I know it's episode 300. I made a big build-up to it, and it was a couple of days late. Yes, folks, this is our 300th episode. I went away on a little bit of a summer vacation. I could not get everything done in time. And so here it is. A few days late. I hope you enjoy it. I know a few of you were full. flummoxed and pissed off but hey everybody's got to have a summer vacation right so here we go we got a great show um i'm going to go in and see my boss i'm going to charlie lee's got a special uh 300 episode uh buffet set up at the moon glow restaurant uh we're going to be hearing some of your calls we're going to be talking about uh coales lesbians does it get any cuter than koala lesbians i think not and could it get any more aggravating than shopping carts yeah we got a bit of everything right here as we commemorate number 300 thank you for coming along for the ride for the 300 time down the crazy nutty wild

Harland Highway Welcome to the Harland Highway You fellas been doing a bit of booze and have you sucking back on Grandpa's old cough medicine There's an element of uncontrolled chaos The Harland Highway Serving everyone from presidents and kings To the scum of the earth

What a treat Oh wait, was you a great big fat person You just made a wrong turn On to the Harland Highway You need many years of therapy Hey, Harlan. It's Stephanie from Denver. Just do me. You might want to think twice before sticking your penis in there. Just do me.

You're riding down the Harland Highway with Harlan Williams. Oh, yes. Yes. Wow. Listen to the celebration Wow, how about that? Look at those fireworks. They are marching down the highway. Ladies and gentlemen, it is the 300th episode of the Harlan Highway. Can you believe it?

How many of you have been here for all 300 episodes? Unbelievable. Unbelievable milestone. What a, what a treat. All I can say is what a treat. Thank you for being along on this incredible journey. And wow. Wow, wow, wow, wow. Let's see if we can crank out 300 more.

Are you kidding? me who has that much to say who has that much uh to talk about i guess i might i don't know oh what a what a fun run it's been hopefully you guys and gals have been entertained um enjoying uh enjoying the humor enjoying the insights enjoying the interviews enjoying the madness, the ridiculousness, the nonsensical jiver-jabber and the poignant stuff that makes you think. We try to bundle it all right up here on the Harland Highway,

but 300 episodes. Wow. That is a lot, man. 300. It's a lot, a lot, a lot. And couldn't be happier to bring it to you. And like I said, we're just going to keep on charging down the highway. Hopefully we get a lot more listeners.

Hopefully you can reach out to your friends, your family, get them on board. And here we go. So it's going to be an eventful show. I'm going to be, I guess I've been asked to go up to my boss's office, Mr. Featherstone. He's, you know, I don't want to speculate, but I'm betting he has a little, you know, something, something for me, a little congratulations, a pat on the back. You know, I don't know, but I'm excited to go up there, so we'll be going up there later. And it looks like Charlie Lee has put out a special 300 episode like buffet special over at the Munglow restaurant. So we're going to be dropping by there and other special guests.

So thanks again, everybody, for going along for the ride. And let's just keep on motorized. Uh-oh, here's something you'll never see on Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom. They found out koalas. are the lesbians of the animal kingdom. Yeah. You're my voice, crack? Yeah.

I mean, koalas are cute enough, aren't they? But imagine a lesbian scene with a couple of koalas? Hi, Harold. How are you? I'm doing good, Tammy. I really like what you've done with your hair. Thank, Carol. Want to get it on?

Ooh, I thought you'd never ask. Oh, come here. I love your eucalyptus breath. Thank you, Cammy. Ooh, your little claws. I just love your little inverted thumbs. They're like little nipple grabbers. Oh, let's do it up here in the branches.

Ooh, there's a blue jay sitting on your butt. I don't care. Oh, yeah, right there. Ooh, right in the koala spot. Okay, enough. I guess some naturalists observed lesbian behavior in koalas, which is kind of fun, man. Here's the hook.

They only witnessed it in zoos. In nature, they've never seen it. But in a zoo environment, they've seen it. they've seen it so where did they learn it maybe was it gay day at the zoo was it lesbian day at the zoo and all the cute lesbian couples

were cuddling and watching the koalas and throwing peanuts and the koalas were looking back and going wow that looked pretty good I don't have to wait around for that big dork Larry anymore I'm just going right over to Cheryl's eucalyptus tree Oh, well, man.

Let's see what happens next. Gay rhinoceroses, homosexual elephants. All right, knock it off, girl. Okay, easy. Ooh, actually, I like that. The Harland Highway. Well, here I am in the reception area of my boss. office, uh, Mr. Featherstone, and, uh, you can hear his secretary is, uh, typing away.

And, uh, oh, I'm just excited. I'm excited. It's a, uh, you know, 300 episode, uh, talking to. Hopefully, uh, you know, maybe a little, uh, a little raise, a little, uh, you know, little something, a gold watch. I don't know. Oh, here we go. Here we go. Uh, hello, Mr. Featherstone, sir. How are you? Come on in, sit down, kid. Thank you, sir. It's a pleasure to be invited up here. Invited? Well, yeah, I was...

This ain't no party, kid. You weren't invited. I called you up here, okay? Let's get that straight right out of the hoo-ha. Um, okay, sure. Uh, thank you. May I sit down? Well, what do you want to do? you tumble? Well, you think maybe this is a Cirque de Soleil, some kind of Las Vegas showroom here?

No, I just meant, should I... Yeah, I want you to sit down. Well, thank you, sir. So, how are you? How am I? Yeah, how are you? How am I? How are you, pervert?

Excuse me? Well, I heard your last podcast. You made reference to... Angelina Jolie adopting a highway, and you were driving up and down going into that Angelina Jolie's tunnel. Well, that was just a bit, sir. I mean, I bet it was a bit. I mean, it was just, you know, it was a, it was a, uh, yeah, why don't you get the words out, huh?

Cracker barrel, huh? What does that mean? Cracker barrel? Yeah. Uh-huh. Sir, I didn't mean any offense by it. I just meant that if Angelina, you don't have to reenact a bit for me. I wasn't laughing then.

I won't be laughing now. You hear what I'm saying? Yes, sir. I thought maybe I was coming up here for the 300? 300 what? We did 300 episodes, sir. What do you mean? You did 300, 300 episodes of what?

Of the podcast. Oh, Christ, I didn't pay you for all that, did I? Well, actually, sir, hey, let me ask you something. You look like you got a twinkle in your eye. Well, thank you, sir. You ever fought on a museum? What do you mean, sir? I mean, you ever been walking down the street, let's say, in New York.

Okay. And you pezzed like a museum of modern history. All right. And you kind of walk up to it, you turn around, you press your ass against one of those big granite pillars. You know what I'm talking about? Granite pillar? Yeah, I know what a granite pillar is. Yeah, I bet you do.

What's that mean, sir? Yeah, you and your guys? What are you saying? Yeah. What was that? Yeah. Big granite pillar, you and your guys? Sir, if you're implying...

Anyways... You leaned up against the granite pillow and you fought. No, I haven't farted on a museum, sir. All right, don't get testy with me. I'm the one handing out the hoo-haws. What is a hoo-ha? Uh-huh. Sir, I thought you were bringing me up here to discuss that we had hit a milestone

of 300 episodes of the Harland Highway. Is that all 300? Sir, 300 is huge. That's almost two years. worth of... You're still here after two years? Sir, you better be joking with me here. Let me ask you something.

Did you want to hear a joke? Let me ask you this, all right? Three sailors walk into a pub. Sir, I'm really... Listen to the joke first. Three sailors walk into a pub. Okay. They see a black guy, a white guy, and a Chinaman.

Sir, I don't think you can say Chinaman. Well, I just said it. By the way, you ever fought on a Chinaman? Sir! This is inappropriate. I'll tell you what's inappropriate. You're going through Angelina Jolie's underpantro. I didn't go through...

Yeah. So anyways, a street sailors walk in. There's a black guy, a white guy, and a Chinaman. Sir, I... Listen to the joke. What are you? Casey Crinkles? I don't know who that is.

I don't know. either i just made it up sir all right they go into a bar yeah and the sailors walk up to they say to the white guy hey what are you doing here and then the uh the white guy says i've been coming here for years right okay and then they go to the black guy hey what are you doing here he goes i've been coming in here for years all right and then lastly they go to the chinaman sir the chinaman and they say what are you doing in here and the Chinaman looks at him and says don't you mean

what are you doing here okay well maybe you should start laughing because God knows nobody's laughing at your stuff hold on I gotta take a call hang on a second hang on give me the hello

yeah I got a guy in my office I get rid of them we'll go do it. Okay, you got, all right, get out of here. I got to take a call. But, sir, I thought, just get out of here. You go fart on a hot dog vendor.

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and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back. back out. Wow. Ridiculous. What the hell is even talking about? Back to the studio.

You are guilty. Guilty as charged, sir. Yeah, you're all guilty. You know what I'm talking about. You go to the grocery store, the Home Depot, and you get the old shopping car. You know what I mean? The old shopping cart, you wheel it out into the parking lot, right?

Or you're a peck-co, and you've got a big giant bag of dog food. And you get done with your shopping cart, and what do you do? Do you wheel it back into the store? No. Do you wheel it into the little area they have, huh? Where you're supposed to put the shopping carts when you're done with them? No. Do you leave them beside your car and let them roll into the car beside you?

Yeah. Oh, yeah, man, you're all guilty. Nobody shows those shopping carts any love, man. Or what else do you do? Sometimes you roll it to the front of your car, and you just let it, you stop, and you let it sit. You think, okay, that's not going to harm anyone. but then you see it just start to roll a little bit. Just a tiny little bit.

You're like, okay, it's just adjusting. And then it keeps going and go on and going. And you could have stopped it, but no, you let it roll across the parking lot and smash into something. You are guilty, guilty as charged, with a crime of rolling your shopping company. and not putting it away.

Oh, well. It's kind of fun, isn't it? Why not? It's the way we roll. Right here on the Harland Highway. Yeah, and while we're on the topic of shopping cards, what would the 300th show be without me beaching about something? Um, I don't know.

They got to figure out how to put shopping cards down. You know how when a racehorse twists its ankle or gets a hangnail, Pff, dead? How many of you have, you know, walked up to that big line of shopping carts? They're all pressed together like they're making love. They're doing like a Bavarian cluster honk. And they're jammed in there so deep you've got to like grab the handle. You're like, come on, come on, and you finally get one free, and you're like, thank God.

Just about threw my back out, pulling that shopping cart out. And you get going, you walk through the sliding doors at the grocery store, the Home Depot, and, you know, about, I don't know, 20, 30 steps in, you realize you got a cripple, right? You got a shopping cart with a bent wheel, or it lists to the left, or at least to the left, or it lists to the right or one of the wheels like clogs and just kind of skids along the ground will the other

three rotate or worse you get you get one of those shopping cards where three of the wheels are perfectly silent but the fourth wheel has mechanical issues and it clanks along as you go

so you're rolling and you're like kicka-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-cic-cic-cic-cic-cic-cic-cic-cic-cic-cic-ccccccccccccccccccccccccccccc. And you're like, God, I have eight aisles of Home Depot real estate to go up and down, and I've got to listen to this. Kikikikikikkikkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk. Unreal. So they should have a guy there or a girl or somebody with a high-powered rifle. And God bless shopping carts, when they go down, when they start limping,

you shoot them in the basket and put them out. of their misery yeah shopping car and then the other thing is you ever get to the grocery store and you you finally pull your shopping card free and you look and there's a bunch of crap in it there's like a lettuce leaf and there's an old wrinkled up book of coupons and there's a Kleenex and there's an empty Coke bottle you know and they're just like people's junk there's a straw from Baskin Robbins already in your basket you're like hey! I got to put my food in there. I got to put the food that I'm going to consume into this junk bin.

What am I pushing a garbage pail around? I think you are. So I don't know. We need some definite, definite shopping cart maintenance. And speaking of food, oh my God, this is exciting. Let's get our butts over to the Munglow restaurant. Lee from the Munglo restaurant, I guess, has whipped up a special 300th anniversary buffet or dinner or something.

It's going to be great. He always prepares delicious Chinese cuisine. Let's get our butts over to Charlie Lee's Muglo Restaurant. Oh, boy, I'm very excited. Here we are, the front door of Charlie Lee's. Let's go in. Oh, I love this place. Hey, hey, Charlie, where are you?

Oh, I'm over here just coming out of the kitchen. Hey, there he is. Charlie Lee. How are you, Charlie? Oh, I do pretty good. Why don't you sit down a special 300 buffet? Well, I can't tell you enough how much I appreciate you putting together a 300 buffet for my 300th podcast episode. Unbelievable. This is very, very generous. Why you not stop talking, guy? Well, I'm just, look, you stop talking. You eat Charlie Lee's food, guy.

Okay, bring it on. We start with some sizzling shrimp and some yummy, yummy, yummy cabbage water. And you have some chewy, chewy, chung-paw guy Thai. Oh, I love it. Let me taste it. Yeah. You go ahead and take it. use your mouth funny guy okay here we go oh my god oh my god this is wonderful yeah you expect anything less from charlie lee munglo wrestler not at all wow charlie you have really outdone yourself let me try this egg roll here oh my god unbelievable yeah well it's 300 guy I know I can hardly believe it myself. Yeah, you eat up, eat all you can. Charlie Lee make a lot and lot and lot, and lot, and lot,

and just when you don't think there anymore, Charlie Lee make another steaming pile of it. Okay, that sounded a little, uh, uh, what, Charlie make big steaming pile? Well, yeah, I would just say you prepared some cuisine. Oh, now you were cook, you tell Charlie Lee about his, steaming pile. Okay.

God. Well, that soup is hot, Charlie. Yeah, that's a really hot soup. Go wash down, your steaming pile. Okay, you got to stop saying that. I appreciate the food. What is that? Shrimp?

Yeah, that's the shrimp for the 300 guy. Wow. Unbelievable. I got to tell you, though, Charlie. I think I'm pretty much full now. Well, you eat lot and law and lot. A lot. Yes, I did. Why wouldn't I? It's my 300th podcast. So you like Charlie 300 buffet? Oh, like it. I love it. Well, that's what Charlie liked to hear. Here you go. Here to bill, funny guy.

What do you mean? Here's the bill. Here's the bill. Here's a bill, funny guy. Wait a minute. This is my 300th podcast. This is like your buffet on the house. Oh, not on the house. Charlie give you a bill for all the steaming pile you eat. Stop saying that. Yeah, look at the bill. What the hell is this? $300? That's right, funny guy.

Wait a minute. I thought you said this was my 300 buffet. That's right. $300. That's the $300. You're going to get terriaki. Oh, come on. Lee.

You pay me now or you get out. No, I'm not paying you. I put lettuce wrap on your head and smash you around like a monkey blizzard. What the hell is a monkey blizzard? You go find out, give me $300, funny guy. I'm out of here, Lee. Unbelievable. You come back.

You give me $300. $300 for 300 episode, funny guy. Up yours, Lee. You come back, $300, wise guy. Unbelievable. Can you believe that cheap-ass Charlie Lee? Guy charges me three out. That's a buck for each podcast. Unbelievable. Yeah, and at Hollywood that, wise guy.

Up yours, Lee. Up yours, Terriaki. I'm out of here. Unbelievable, dillweed. Let's get back to the studio. I'm sorry for. for this. Now I'm going to get a bill in the mail from this doorknob. Oh, never gets any easier here on the Harland Highway.

Come on, you pay me, Terriaki. Hey, uh, with the A 300th podcast from Landstay. What a chip. Oh, there are you. Hey, Harlem. This is Joseph out here. You know, I'm with my son right now, Little Joseph, and I just want to congratulate you on the 300th episode on your podcast. Keep up the good work. Congratulations, Harlan.

Keep up the good work. All right. Joe and Little Joe, listening in on the 300th Harland Highway podcast. Thank you for the well wishes. and my apologies to the guy before that who I was like, how dare you? What a jip. What a jip.

How dare you? All right, as I said in the intro, of all the times to miss putting a podcast out there, it was number 300. I actually built it all up. I made the announcement, and guess what, we missed the day. So we're a couple of days late. I went on vacation. I went on an incredible fishing trip.

And keep your ears on the podcast. A couple of episodes down. I'm going to go into it. I'm still kind of catching my breath. I had a great time. I caught some monster fish. I'm going to tell you all about it. And again, I apologize that we missed the broadcast.

date for the 300th episode I hope that gentleman settles down gets a donut gets a cream soda just chills out and all you other well-wishers I obviously couldn't play all the messages but thank you thank you for your thoughts your kind words and thank you everybody for chiming in for listening for telling your friends and, you know, sending me your emails and your voicemails. I've been getting great feedback on the show and still having a blast, bringing it to you. What can I say? I don't want to get all blubbery here.

No, I'm not going to do it. I told myself I wouldn't cry. I'm not going to cry just because it's 300 episodes. Can somebody get me a tampon? I mean a Kleenex. oh my god so emotional it's just so emotional and moving that you people stayed with me through 300 rides down the harland highway um okay drama queen but seriously folks from bottom of my heart thank you i hope you're enjoying it uh let's keep it rolling and uh let's keep on trucking down

the Harland Highway and sadly we're at the end of this show I'm going to go and purge because I ate many plates of Charlie Lee's as he puts it big steaming pile nothing wrong with that terriacchi oh shut up up yours funny guy ugh 300 more episodes of people like that i can't wait I hope you can't wait. Thanks again. And until next time, not from the Moonglough restaurant, but from somewhere else, a big bowl chicken chau-main, baby. Up yours, Charlie Lee, got the best chicken chalman in United States of America.